It probably doesn't feel good for you either, but it's just that I am just not strong enough to face up to this challenge ahead.

Like what I always said, you are prettier smiling. Don't look back once you made this decision.

The only reason why I could justify for these happening is probably because you would have met guys who are much better than me. And I certainly hope they do treat you better than I do.

What a year of highs and lows. For now.. I just want to give it all away.

Happy 2015, ahead.

To everyone. To a separated future. And a happier future.

世界纷纷绕绕, 也不曾为谁停留过。
视线迷迷糊糊, 可能一直都没清晰过。
思绪杂杂乱乱, 每个决定的理由却没忘过。
感情乱乱糟糟, 回忆却没离开过。

你接受了你的事实, 而我也接受了我的事实。

这条感情路,可能, 真的走不下去了。
唯一的安慰,可能唯有分享别人的喜悦。

祝福与期望大家快乐,让自己能够有个开心的理由。

来临的圣诞节祝大家幸福!
因为幸福说来简单意义非凡。

After we separated, there was so many things which I realized that I wanted to do.. with you.
But because this involved money, and we always claimed to want to save money, so we always ended up staying at home. Losing out on all these experiences is indeed one of the regrets that I had.

There are just some things which I just wanted to do but realized that it could have been a burst bubble if it failed.

"I so wanted to fly over to where you are to find you."

Having the need to want to talk to you, but it probably is just a state of mind that caused me to not do anything because of being too hurt. If it meant that the relationship failed because of this, I guess I possibly deserved it.

Over-commitment. This is the word which was said to me when I described my thoughts. Did I really over-commit thinking that how much commitment you put into a relationship would reciprocate some form of expectation and rewards? Was I just nonchalant about some things in life and pretend to not think it is something which I should think about?

Life is just so blurry, and so many things to explore. If what he told me was true, I really wonder how would people view me. What would life become in future?

This is the hardest and most cruel reply you can ever get from someone.
Knowing that the person has feelings for you still, but still tell you that she likes someone else. Asking you for advice.

It's painful. Bloody painful. It's..unimaginable how someone can do this..

So many voices around, so many views. But it all doesn't matter because it boils down to the decision that two people make.

It was a dream which was supposedly coming true. But it ended up as a dream bubble that bursted at the end of the day. Although it was a beautiful dream, but it ended up as a nightmare.

When everything is just memories of what happens in daily life, it becomes a torment to just walk around because these things just come back to you naturally. I guess, time will cure. It's just how long it would be.

The open letter

I would like to start with sorries.

I'm sorry that I couldn't make you as happy as you should be in a relationship. Probably even new friends you meet now makes you happier than being with me. A man who could not provide laughter to his spouse would not be in a relationship which can last long.

There are many things which I could do for you, but there are some things which you thought of as a major which I may or may not have noticed and did not do for you, for that, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I was indecisive. I just wanted you to have your choices.

Your smile is so much prettier now, I hope your next relationship would keep you smiling as prettily as you are now. Don't be the same as when you were with me, although I'm sure you would end up with someone much better than me. I'm just the lowest benchmark.

Hurts? Of course it hurts. Knowing someone is happier without you when you are together with the person. It's more painful than quarrelling in a relationship, even worse than the worst quarrel we ever had which included loss of emotional  control and physical hurt on self. This dull longlasting pain that chokes you slowly inside, it's bearable but barely bearable. Many thoughts just get to you and you try to fight it off like a fiery warrior, but end up crumbling as a tired one.

It was an especially huge tub of utter disappointment and hurt forced down my throat when I mentioned that there were a lot of things happening at work and you didn't care. Why did you even care if I wanted to ask you questions or not if you don't even bother to check about what condition I am in? it was probably because you made up your mind, or maybe you just wanted to give up. False hopes? What false hopes are there unless you are no longer interested? I wonder..

I'm sure that last phrase you left for me was not meant to be what you wanted. I just wanted to think that you want me to give up. But did you really wanted to give up because of your behaviour? Or because of the relationship with God? Or maybe you just met more better guys than me?

Whatever it is, come what may. I wish you happiness, health and joy.
Sleep early, it helps improve your eyebags condition.
Don't watch TV in the dark, you would be wasting the money you used for lasik.
Don't binge too much, it's bad for health especially with unhealthy food, just like how you always tell me.

Thank you for the 4 years of joy, happiness and lessons learnt. I may not be good at fixing things but I think I can fix better now. I think, I will stay in the generation of fixing things with the olden thinking.

The scrap book which I have you have many pages left. It was a book meant for continuation of our relationship which doesn't serves its purpose anymore.

I seriously don't know what to say anymore.

When things get mistaken and not cleared up. It just feels like a regret. Especially when one party is not listening. Ignoring just doesn't help. Neither does leaving things dangling.

It is especially hurtful when do much has been done to maintain a relationship. Although I'm sure it's not just a one sided effort to maintain, but a relationship ends when one person truly gives up.

When communication is simply lacking, and ideas are not conveyed, it will lead to true destruction.

Simply just feels that there is no one that can be trusted anymore. It just feels that my initial decision was right and this was a mistake that I had to go through

Really need a break. 

I just couldn't change my thinking, why is that so? 

“你总是怀疑我对你的爱，而我总是努力的证明我对你的爱。“
”因为我没有办法和你一样爱我的那么爱你“
- 16个夏天

结果却是因为逃不过自己的心。

”当爱需要努力的让自己不感到委屈，那就不是爱。勉强再多，只是互相折磨“
-16个夏天

当爱情不是两厢情愿，总有一方会感到委屈吗？如果你觉得你的现状是开心的，那么，让我知道，也让我放手吧。努力下去，只是互相折磨。

16个夏天之后的大家会是怎样的？而我呢？试着哭了，也试着笑了。却发现没有办法掩饰这感觉。

散场后的宴席，孤单寂寞。 尽管宴席如此热闹，却永远没办法淹没那快乐后的寂寞。
今天见到了好友们聚在一起，真的好开心。

但是，真正会让我开心之后，挥散不去的会是什么......?

Thinking so much for these few months; I guess I really love and miss you. Who else would want to know about me more than myself? Who else would I want to talk to more than you?

The decision that I made 2 months ago wasn't easy.. But what really happened? Up till today, I cannot fully understand. What kind of feelings would have made you gave up something which both of us worked considerably hard to build up and communicated?

Probably, I just don't give the sense of security for someone to be able to spend her life with me. Or maybe, we just don't have a common aim...

当哪里都是满满的回忆, 我只能忍着那即甜蜜又苦涩的滋味流穿过我心房。

Just like I happened to say out what was really in my heart. This overwhelmed feel.. Feels terrible.. This lousy feeling which I cannot get rid of and it's affecting my work.. Damn..

But indeed.. It's just like a big part of my best part of my life is gone..

I guess you are probably the next best thing that happened to me, other than me being in a blessed family..

It has nearly been 1 and a half months. Thinking about our relationship progress has always been on my mind. We want to be with each other, and yet, there seems to be something which is stopping us.

Fighting for you seemed to be a choice which will get you to be more vexed. All I've always wanted is for you to be happy..

Probably, I might not understand how you feel. That last night we met up, it was certainly a bad day which started with the pack up, and then the meet up. I hoped things would return to the way it was, but I knew it was hard, for you and for me.

Reliving our past moments during that night was bittersweet, as I knew it might be the last time we would have held hands and hugged. It was painful and yet sweet..

Please take care over there. I still love you..

That dream, it just felt so real.

That grip, it just felt like it really happened.

That warmth, I totally felt it with my own hands.

That squeeze, it made reminded of the past again..

With exception of the experience of falling off in my sleep, other dreams never felt so real like this one..

Life is just so full of uncertainty.

Who knows what would happen the next moment, or what is coming to happen in the coming days or years?

Just when you thought life has very much settled down and you are getting prepared for another phase of life; fighting really hard to for a future that belongs to not only you. You get hit suddenly right in the face, and you fall flat down in the face. What next then?

I wonder if anyone really has such traditional thinking like me anymore, where having a family bring about the motivation to rise up in your career. Where family is more important than the job, where being together is more important than having freedom, just because you enjoy it.

It seems like a far away dream which won't be fulfilled anytime soon. I don't know if it's just laziness, or no interest, or just simply, given up hope.

天时不如地利，地利不如人和 (Being in the correct place is better than the correct timing. Having a good relationship with someone is better than the being in the correct place). I guess sometimes these sayings have truth which we ourselves don't realize it until we look back at the things on hindsight.

Time past fast, but it still hurts. One and a half months has past but it still felt fresh. It doesn't strangle but it still chokes. The previous one took two years. I don't have so many two years left. I guess.

What do I want to fight for? Who do I want to fight for?

Who are you on the inside?
Are you someone who..
Desires to be loved?
Is happier being alone than being in a crowd, or vice versa?
Ever thought about what's in it for your future?
Lost in life?

I guess at some point of our lives, something different has to happen. Some big thing. Just when you thought you are happy with whatever you have.

How are you gonna deal with the change?
What would you think and feel when life has been thought ahead but doesn't go according to plan?

What would you do when you are at your lowest point of motivation to do anything?

Life can be simple and yet it can be complicated, how do you want it to be? How can I make it what I want it to be...?

나는 보고 싶어요... 여전히 당신을 사랑해

If there was love in the first place..    

Why would people separate with  

such feelings..? 

Life's tough

It's tough. Life is indeed tough at this timing. "Be tougher than your life." I remember this phrase that I came out with, or read somewhere..

As you age, it seems like you experience more things and life get easier because of you experience a more diverse amount of situation. Perhaps I'm just not experienced enough.

Today's working condition probably aggrevated what was already not as good. But I think it will be better tomorrow.

Life is just different without you. Thinking back. I guess I'm just not suited to be with anyone. I'm just too boring to be with.

We were just this close to getting where we were supposed to be.. I was almost there.. We were almost there too

It definitely seems much easier to give up than to keep on pressing.. Especially in this relationship. You sounded so confident, just because you wanted to give up. I didn't want to give up but I think there is not much I can do. I can do something about it but why do it for you when it is not the way you want it to be?

Promises are made and broken. The one that keeps promises is the one that hurt more. Expectations are different and show up gradually. Expectations cannot be met and cannot be lowered.

Week 1

It has been a week. Life was totally different without you. It hurts because I know you are hurt. It just feels bad when you know you are the reason and you could not help resolve the problem.

I also understand that my posts hurts you too. I will stop publishing for everyone's sake.
Thanks everyone for being there.
Thank you for being there.

#day7withoutyou

Day 4

Some things are just happen so naturally, so natural that you don't even know it was part of you to do it.

I don't wish to write everyday about how I feel when ever this kind of thing happen anymore. That's probably not going to change anything ever since that chain of sorries came. I knew it was the end.

The world would still spin. Life would still go on whatever your status would be. I guess it would be time to make my life more meaningful instead of wallowing in self pity. It's pathetic.

However, it would probably not stop the fact that I would think about you sometimes..

#day4withoutyou

Just because we don't belong to each other anymore.

Today, work finished really fast.  Time passed by so quickly. Wanted to message you to meet up, but stopped myself after thinking something was amiss.

Just because we don't belong to each other anymore.

I can't say that I have a lot memories that I can remember offhand about us, but I am sure that I would be able to remember something if I see related photos. You used to remind me about times we had together when I don't remember anything about a certain photo. I can only remember those moments in my dreams.

Just because we don't belong to each other anymore.

#day3withoutyou

Negativity continues.

I've tried to learnt and apply whatever I could. But i guess sometimes my best isn't enough, just like how I am. I will still strive, I will still push myself to move forward.

最坚强的人不是会哭泣的人，而是会在奔跑中哭泣的人。

You, are my compelling reason to be financially free. #Day2withoutU

I don't wish to be negative.. but...

I know how bad it is to be negative. I know how it is good to keep a positive mindset which will help to improve your lifestyle. But how do you know what is being over pessimistic and over optimistic?

When you thought life was good, something would change. Just because change is a certainty in life. This two months was a rough patch for me. Kept pushing myself forward to think of ways to grow myself and walk out of negativity. But, when a big impact really hits, it's really difficult to cut myself out of the thinking which I never wanted. Although I hope it's just a bad dream, but I know it's not.

好聚好散吧..

Day1withoutyou