Whirlwind............

We are down to the last week of school. I have so much to do, so much going on....this is not the time to be tired. But I'm exhausted.
I blame the tornado sirens. They go off all night....and I don't even know what they mean.

Ok I understand that implies I'm an idiot......I realize that they are sirens to warn about tornadoes but I swear one sounds like a doorbell and another sounds like an ambulance. Not to mention the muffled ladies voice that is projected across town. Someone told me that a tornado watch was different than a tornado warning.....but then someone else told me that Lexington hardly ever gets tornadoes anyway. I wish someone would tell that to the lady on the speaker all night. We've been blessed that we have been so protected this year despite our ignorance........more than a couple time we have wondered what was going on while everyone else was taking cover, only to find out a few days later we missed an major tornado warning. Which you'll remember is different than a tornado watch. I think. I don't know. I'm tired.

The nice thing is the storms seem to only come rolling in at night, the days have been beautiful and warm, uplifting and happy. Another happy thing that happened this week, Luke graduated kindergarten. They sang "what a wonderful world." When they got to the part where it says "I see baby's cry, I watch them grow, they learn much more than I'll ever know....." I cried. I cried because I love him. I cried because he is beautiful. I cried because he turned and sang right at me. And then he mouthed "I love you." There is just something about little boys, mine in particular. He has my heart.

And I think to myself, what a wonderful world............

Long bike rides

Endless blue skies

Warm sunshine

No homework

And negotiable bedtimes.

Cheers to beautiful friday afternoons.

Backwards Day......

Today was backwards/inside out day at school. This was actually quite fitting because it was a Wednesday but it felt like a Monday. This was because the kids had the day off of school yesterday, due to voting day. Which apparently you cannot do if you are still a Nevada resident. Ben feels very strongly about civic duty. I feel very strongly about avoiding the DMV at all costs.

So instead we spent the very rainy day off hanging around the house. Olivia got up and made breakfast, swept, vacuumed and gave me a pedicure. She told me this last thing would probably take her all day because my feet were hopeless. So I like to walk barefoot to pick them up from school, I'll take my pedicures without any judgments please.

While she scrubbed we talked about funny things her friends at school said (my favorite...when Isabelle told her that Grace was like a real human now) and she told me her views on seating arrangements and project partners.
I adore her. She makes my whole world go round.

Happy Backwards Day.......and for once I was right on the money when I threw my shirt on inside out to run them to school this morning. I think I have hat day in the bag too.

Days like this........

Today I only did one thing right.
All day.
Just one thing.

I did an overwhelming amount of things wrong.
It was just one of those days when the cards seemed stacked against me.
One of those days when everything screams "you are failing motherhood."
This isn't good, because motherhood is pretty much the only thing I've got going on.
If I'm failing this, well ....you get the implications.

Time just sped up to lightening speed when the kids walked in the door.
My dinner was time consuming.
Luke forgot to turn in his homework.
Olivia did horrible on her spelling test.
And neither of them cared.
Sophie Kate cut holes in her new pants ( I know, I know why does this child still have access to scissors?)
Grace actually cried....for the first time. ever.
All this was going on as I chased the kids around trying to get them to do their homework and practice guitar, and for heavens sakes not throw things at each other.

It was chaos.
I wondered where their mother was.
Or if they'd ever had one.
In the midst of the chaos Ben called.
And he told me he was never coming home.
OK, so he said nine o' clock.
He might as well have said never.

I felt myself breaking.
So I turned up the music as loud as I could and I danced with my baby until she stopped crying.
Then I danced with each of my kids until their arms were too tired to throw things.
I danced until the tears stopped running down my cheeks.
Then I turned off the radio.
And I ran as fast as I could up the stairs and put them in bed.
I gave them no time to break this tiny spell of peace.
If they tried to talk to me I said "no, no no speaking. I will talk to you tomorrow."
"but mom"
"no, no. hmmmmmmmm. (fingers in ears)
Childish? yes.
Desperate? absolutely.
But after all my failures, I desperately needed a victory.
And bedtime was going to be it.
I was winning this one.

The final tally for the day was defeating.
It was a landslide.
Life beat me on every count.
I had only one small thing on my side.
One tiny victory.
I danced with my baby.
And she laughed.
It was enough.

Enough to remind me why I love this.
Enough to keep me going.
Even though I'm not very good at it.
Sometimes my weaknesses are blinding.
The kind of blinding that seems to illuminate everyone else's strengths,
and blocks my own.

I can only thank heaven that it's not a competiton.
Because I'm out of my league.
And lucky for me The Ref is clearly biased.
And He told me I can try again tomorrow.
Which is awfully kind.
He seems to have some sort of confidence in me.
I seem to lack it in myself.
I certainly don't feel worthy of it.
Nevertheless, I trust Him.
Game on.

Falling in love........

I have many loves from High School that looking back make me question my sanity at the time. Willa Cather is not one of those.
I loved her then, I love her now.
Her novels are simple, but the central character is always the land. The earth.
The way she writes about the prairie breathes life into it.
The land around me has always been a central character in my life.
It breathes life. It touches my soul.
I am in the middle of a full blown love affair with Kentucky in the spring.
The land around me speaks to me in a whole new language, I've never lived in a place that looks like this before.
It is straight out of a storybook.
With vast green rolling hills, old barns and frolicking horses.
A storybook I tell ya.
I just want to rip the page out and put it in my pocket for the day when I know I will have to leave this place, and the longing for this land that will surely accompany it.
Long, violent, thundering rain storms. I get ya now. You did good work.

Happy Spring.

What I meant was..........

Dear Benjamin,
For as much as I talk sometimes I don't communicate very well.
Shocking that I actually wrote that right?
Don't hold me to it, it's not real paper.
But about yesterday....well let me be a little more clear.

When I went outside and layed on the trampoline and pouted for awhile after the kids went to bed, what I meant was "I'm disappointed."
You see Mothers day is such an emotionally loaded holiday, I think I just set my expectations so high. I expect my children to follow me around all day skipping sweetly and whispering sweet nothings in my ear, while periodically bursting into song about their love for me.
This did happen for about five min, until someone got their toe stepped on and someone else realized that even when Dad cooks you have to eat salad.
Then they were just children, regular, everyday, non-holiday children.
So the fetal position on the trampoline....that's what I meant.

And when you started jumping and I tried to jump higher than you, and I got really into trying to jump higher than you........well what I meant to say was "I really want you to tell me how good I am at jumping on the trampoline."
But instead you just laughed and stole my bounce. Did you think that was the game I wanted to play? it wasn't. I wanted to play the "compliment me" game.

And when it got really late and I wanted to stand behind you and pretend to be your arms while you poured Luke's medicine, and you didn't want to do that because it was late and you were tired and you needed to get to bed...but I did, because that's funny.
Well, what I meant by that was "tomorrow you have to leave and I miss you all week when you are at school because I love you and you make me happy."
You see Sunday nights make me panic because I feel Monday coming and I don't like when you have to leave and go to that part of your life that I'm not in.........because everything is better when you're around. You're still my favorite friend, and if I could, I would follow you around all day.
But see I don't say that because it sounds clingy, and well, I'm not clingy.
So instead I stand in front of you and do weird manikin poses so you can't go to bed.

And when you ask me what's wrong and I sigh and say nothing.
Well, what I mean is "everything"
but if you hug me and sit down and listen while I ramble, for just a min, then it really will be nothing.

So is that a little clearer?
Personally I thought it was all pretty obvious the first time, but here you go.
And men think women are hard to understand.

A perfect weekend........

Climbing in Red River Gorge
Hiking Natural Bridge
Sunshine
Fresh Air
The color green
and some of my favorite people