Fibromyalgia Makes Me Human

On Friday, February 22, 2013 I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Many of you probably don't know what that really means. I certainly didn't. Here's a basic definition:

Fibromyalgia

noun

• : a chronic disorder characterized bywidespread pain, tenderness, andstiffness of muscles and associatedconnective tissue structures that istypically accompanied by fatigue,headache, and sleep disturbances

Today is Fibromyalgia awareness day. This disorder (or syndrome, depending what you read), has changed my life. As I considered what to write today, I reviewed in my mind the many possible reactions to this post. A lot of people don't even think Fibromyalgia (FM) is an actual medical problem. I could write about how it affects me personally, or how it affects others I know who have it. I could write about how crippling it can be, how confusing it is, or what it's like to be in a constant state of pain with no relief. I could go into detail about the loss I've suffered, or how polarizing it was to be diagnosed the week before I got engaged. 

In short, I could write to try to tell everyone about my suffering and how FM makes me special. I could talk about why my story is unordinary. But I'm not. I'm not sharing this part of my life because I think FM somehow makes me special. I'm writing because I'm not special. I've learned a lot in the year and a half or so that I've been experiencing symptoms. And I've come to understand some very important things. 

One day I was sharing my journey through diagnosis with a close colleague. She said to me, "Wow. It must be really hard to see God through all of this." Honestly, I was surprised at the comment. Not that she was off-base, but because I have never felt as close to God as I have through this process. I have been aware, in great detail, of the deeply intimate love and care that God has for the details of my life. He has blessed me with love and support before I even knew what was wrong, or that anything would go wrong. 

Here are some of the things I feel about having FM. 

1. I have limitations and boundaries I did not anticipate. 

2. My life is different than I expected it to be. 

3. My body often makes it difficult to do things I want to do. 

My guess is most people feel the same way. What FM has taught me is that suffering comes to all humans in some form at some time. FM sucks. I won't lie. There are days I just cry and cry because it's so hard. But I won't claim it's worse than being an amputee, or having cancer, or anything like that. FM is just one of the ways God has chosen for me to experience my own humanity. We all have this -- it may just be named something else for you: miscarriage, addiction, depression, arthritis, anxiety, divorce, terrorism. The list goes on. 

Through these experiences, we come to know our true selves. My pain forced me to be humble and open, and in turn allowed me to let go of myself and find, recognize, and receive true love. It allowed me to know my Savior more deeply. Through this process I have accepted that I don't have to be a hero. I can give myself boundaries that are good for me. I don't have to pretend I don't have limits. And, regardless of what Nike or any other advertisements say, that does NOT make me weak. It makes me human. 

Sometimes being brave means accepting circumstances beyond your control and finding joy along the way. I do hope you learn more about Fibromyalgia because it is misunderstood, and it affects millions of people. But there are a lot of problems we don't understand. What I really hope is that you accept others and yourself for the way we are all human. 

30 before 30? I think I'm already spent.

I'm turning 30 in 7 months. I have friends who are approaching this milestone as well, and I have seen several "30 before 30" lists. I thought about this, and honestly, I've done a ton of stuff in the last ten years. I can honestly say that I am approaching 30 with peace of mind that I've done as much as I could with the last decade of my life. I don't feel the need to try and cram anything in in the next few months. When I made this list, I actually wondered how I managed to pull all of this off. I'm sure I'm forgetting things, too. Comment if you see anything I missed!

Here's the summary.

Family

2 sisters in law

6 nieces and nephews

Passing of 2 grandparents

Education

BYU – undergraduate in Youth Leadership

UOPX – master’s in Education/Curriculum and Instruction

Jobs

2 summer camp programs

Substitute middle school teacher

Teacher in juvenile detention center

Start up company in SLC

UOPX – academic counselor and manager

Apollo – project team and instructional designer

Moves – 8 total

Provo

Italy

Logan

SLC

Phoenix

Weird Illnesses

Reaction to medication (sick for months, skipped finals at BYU)

Mono

Ulcer

Pontiac Fever (mild form of Legionnaire’s Disease)

Travel

Chicago

Florida – Disneyworld

San Antonio

Las Vegas (several times)

St. George

California

Magic Mountain (twice)

Disneyland (several times)

San Francisco

Philadelphia

Washington, DC

New York City

New Orleans

Georgia

Virginia

Idaho (several places, several times)

Indiana

Italy

Sicily

Puglia

Florence

Verona

Milan

Como

Lugano

Spain

Madrid

Barcelona

Mission

Italy

Cities

Taranto

Messina

Siracusa

Palermo

Catania

Companions: 13

Language: Italian

Callings

VT Supervisor

Gospel Doctrine teacher

Sunday School teacher – 14 yr olds

RS secretary

FHE committee

FHE co-chair

Activities committee

Ward Missionary

Mission Prep Teacher

Other

Roommates: 20 (plus mission companions)

Flipped the X-terra

NLDS playoff game

Helicopter ride over NYC

Mardi Gras parades

Rappelling Aussie style

Transcribed mission journal

Returned to mission

Before 30

Boston

Watching Boston Marathon

Attending game at Fenway

Getting a dog again

Left on the List

Travel

Atlanta – attend Braves game

Denver

Seattle/Portland

Paris

Rome

London

Singapore

Thailand

Hawaii

Learn to play the piano

Write a book (already started)

Glass blowing

Stunt driving class

Hot air balloon ride

I have a secret dream to be a ballerina…maybe I’ll take a dance class. hehe

*Always remember: Live life on purpose.*

Renewal

Just under 8 years ago, I decided to serve a mission. At several points during my mission experience, I thought, "I had no idea what I was getting myself into." In those moments when I felt I was completely in over my head, I had to make a choice: recommit or bail. Each time, I decided to recommit, because I knew in the end it would get me where I wanted to be, and turning back would be nothing but a big regret.

This taught me a lot about true commitment, dedication, and the will to work through hard things. I was just thinking the same thing today about life in general. I'm quite sure that before this life when I agreed to come here, "I had no idea what I was getting myself into." But here I am.

The human spirit is resilient. We have incredible power, as beings, to overcome the seemingly insurmountable. Over the past few weeks I have thought a lot about the heroes in my life who have overcome obstacles I couldn't even imagine dealing with. I've also thought about things I've overcome that probably seem that way to other people.

Don't get me wrong. It's not like I'm going through any type of major life crisis or anything. A few close friends have labeled it "an opportunity for growth." We all have everyday heroes who inspire us to move forward in our lives when things aren't exactly the way we'd want them to be. Today, I salute those people who compel me to put one foot in front of the other when I've lost perspective.

It's a time of renewal. For me, that means a time to create, and a time to re-center. Think about it for yourself. Are you where you want to be? Is the path you're on going to get you where you want to arrive? Do you even know where you want to arrive? These are important questions.

We didn't know what we were signing up for when we arrived in life. Every so often we have to choose to commit or bail. I choose to commit.

Update

I haven't even thought of my blog in ages. I did today, so I thought I'd post an update.

Life is still awesome.

That's all.

:)

So Good

Reasons life is so good right now:

1. My new job at my old job -- I'm a full-time instructional designer now -- is totally awesome and I'm loving every minute of it!

2. The more I drive Gina, my car, the more I love her. I'm also secretly glad I wrecked the Xterra every time I fill up. Gas is like $3.25 now, and that would have KILLED me with that gas guzzler!

3. Spring training starts soon, which means baseball season starts soon!

4. MARCH MADNESS! As you can see by my blog background, I'm pretty darn excited, especially because BYU has been performing amazingly well. This should be a really exciting tournament year. Wahoo!

5. I'm (tentatively) planning a trip to Madrid and Florence this fall. I say tentatively because I haven't requested the time off at work yet. I'm hoping that goes okay. It means I'm on a super tight budget to pay off some stuff before I go, but so far that's working out just fine.

6. Disneyland with Eva Baruffini and Annie Armstrong in April. That's going to be super stellar!

7. I'm starting the MyCoach program with my personal trainer at the gym. Twelve weeks of custom-designed workouts. My trainer seems to be well versed in medieval torture methods that make me get super strong super fast, so I'm excited about this! Yay for an enjoyable swimsuit season!

What I'm saying is, life is pretty sweet right now. I can't think of one single thing I'm in need of. I realize it won't always be this good, but you better believe I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts!

May all of you have a wonderful and prosperous spring! :)

No Defense

Someone called me an information whore today.

I really can't argue with that.

Me Either

To everyone who hasn't had time to write a blog post in forever because December is so ridiculously insane... me either.

See you in January!