Coming Back from Beyond

I actually have comments on this blog! After so many years, these readers must have really done some searching. Our DE son, Ethan, is 7 now. I don't regret a minute of the decision we made to challenge my infertility and keep trying. It's  not just because he is our prince, it's because. in my belief, I have only one life to live. It was a drive/need I had, to have the experience pregnancy and birth. Selfish, yes. No denying that.

Physically, I endured it and the gestational diabetes. Mentally, I thrived. Emotionally, I thrived. Financially, we are still paying. Over 4 years of very expensive treatment, cost over $100,000, which for, we middle class folks, is a lot of money. At one point in the process the $30,000 we had planned to spend was gone and we decided to take a 2nd mortgage on our home. Was it worth it? Absolutely! As a bonus for my selfish desires we have this amazing person. He is not genetically related to us but he is very much a part of us. His mannerisms, his sense of humor, his sensibilities.

He has has some issues and we don't know anything about where they came from...and that's ok. He is who he is and we accept him without the typical assumptions that he "gets that from his mom". It's easier for us I think, because all of our kids have some biology that we have no knowledge of. That is pretty standard landscape for lesbian parents.

The big question, have we told our families or Ethan that he is from a double donor embryo? The answer is, not yet. I have to say, it isn't easy. Our initial thought was to wait until my parents had passed away since they are very elderly. Why? Because we believed strongly they would not accept him or treat him like the other grandchildren. There is such bias that goes with biological ties and such stigma associated with donor eggs. Societally, donor egg stigma superseeds donor sperm stigma by miles. There is so much work to be done to raise consciousness and understanding around it. One friend who also used donor eggs was called a surrogate by someone she told. Really?

When the time is right he will know, and our families will know, when it no longer matters to them where he came from.

Three years already?

Three years old and perfect. I can't imagine what our lives would be like without him.

Happy Birthday my son.

Picture Perfect

100% Pure Love

Time Passes Quickly

I seem to be having the same problem as so many making-a-baby-bloggers, I just don't blog anymore now that the baby is here. *sigh*

Life with our little guy is just over the top with sweetness. We all adore him. He has a big personality and is so happy...except when it's not. He lets us know when he is unhappy. :)

He is 14 months old now and we have no regrets about the path we chose. Life has sped by so quickly that sometimes I don't even remember being pregnant. Over the last 14 months while joyous about our darling boy, I have grieved the loss of the twin that did not live and I have grieved not having any more children. Never being pregnant again. Do I wish? Yes I do. Especially since I have all those lovely frozen embies. I dream, that we win the lottery and we get to have a wonderful surrogate to help us make the dream a reality.

I realize that for me, my blog has been about the making a baby lifestyle and the longer I am connected to that the more it fuels the desire to keep going, just one more. Trying for a sibling that has some genetic connection to our beautiful boy. Not so much for me, but for him. This circles around in my head often, despite the grieving.

On the flip side of that is the utter joy we have in our lives. The chance to relish every little moment of his life, and through that the little moments of all of our lives. Such a beautiful thing to live in the moment.

I work from home now since May and WW is here with me taking care of our darlings. It has been a challenging summer but so rewarding too. Being able to be here with them all summer! What a treat! A great opportunity for us to be closer. We are truly now a settled family of 5.

I hear him waking up now from his nap. He is saying is favorite word "Ow". He says a lot of words in his little baby speak way.

This is my no regrets life.
No regrets.

Halloween 2008 versus Halloween 2009

Halloween 2008:

We had a trick-or-treating party

I was a few weeks pregnant

Started bleeding massively

Immediately laid down terrified that I was loosing our twins

 

Halloween 2009:

We had a trick-or-treating party

Held our adorable son all evening

Had a great time

Went to bed feeling lucky and grateful

 

I can't believe what a year it has been!

 

That felt so good...I think I'll do it again

...blog that is.

I could fill up every post with how wonderful it is to have Mr. Baby in our lives, but that is a given fact. Maybe I will save that until the end. :)

What has been on my mind is all the things I wondered about having a DS/ED baby. Let me tell you that the donors rarely every cross my mind. Even when someone mentions how much he looks like me or doesn't look like me. It just isn't a part of my awareness. It doesn't seem to matter. I already knew what is was like to be a mom to two girls who are not genetically related to me, since WW had our first two. I just didn't know what it would be like having given birth. The BIG difference has got to be the hormones. When our first daughter was born, I was the calm, rational, level headed one. I still reacted strongly to her cries and needs but not like I have Mr. Baby. When he cried I felt like my very existence relied on getting to him and giving him what he needed. I say this in the past tense because it has calmed down a bit over the last few weeks, but it's still there. I was the ultimate Mama bear even with WW which illustrated just how the hormones really work. She let me have total control over how things were handled, not that she had much choice.

If you follow my blog you know that the first person we will tell that he is from a double donor conception is him. Who he decides to tell is completely up to him. It is his information to share. No one is really aware of his beginnings and we are okay with that. We don't feel like we are hiding something or that we are liars. We feel like we are doing the right thing for our family. Now of course it is obvious that at least sperm donor were used to create all of them. But there is such a larger reaction to an egg donor than a sperm donor. Maybe society doesn't value men's role in reproduction very much. Maybe lots of men have facilitated that. At any rate we chose not to share the information about our sperm donors with others until the girls had that information first too. We did share the basic stats: height, weight, eye color, hair, but that was it. Now at the ages of 10 and 7 they are asking us more about the men that helped create them. We are completely willing to share all we know as they ask it of us.

We are just at the very beginning of these discussions. Their main interest so far has been ethnic heritage. They understand that they are made up of a combination of traits between WW and the donors and that these traits are sometimes tied to where your ancestors came from. So that's where we are right now. I have to say, it's pretty exciting to share this with them. We were very excited about picking the donor and now we get to talk about why.

They haven't really had a reaction to the fact that they are both conceived from different donors. I don't think that it has occurred to them that having the same donor is an option. But it DOES seem to be on EVERYONE else's mind. It baffles me to this day how many times we have been asked if they are from the same "father". Setting the "father" issue aside for a second. I don't get it. They don't look appreciably different from each other so I don't know what prompts this question but I have to say I find it VERY rude. Way too personal! I would never ask a divorced mother of three if her kids had different dads. Not my business. WW thinks I overreact to this question. I have answered it in a variety of ways, some of them not so nice. I mean really, do they think I am going to fill them in on the details? Maybe someone can help me understand why people ask this, but it bothers the  bejeezus out of me. The last response I gave was to the very polished and professional lawyer, wife of a politician who I barely knew. I said, "Why? Does it matter to you?". She was embarrassed at her sudden awareness that maybe that ISN'T an appropriate question, especially in front of a bunch of kids, two of them mine! URGH!!

Okay rant over.

I just wanted to share what it is like to have our girls coming into the awareness of their beginnings, since a lot of us are in this boat together.