understand this

Far away, some time ago. Glowing dim like an ember. All the things it used to know & yearns to remember.

freefall, freefall, freefall, freefaaaaaaaaall.

why does it always rain on me?

http://tn1-5.pv.deviantart.com/fs11/150/i/2006/245/d/0/__
Angel_can_be_sad___by_flaviacabralart.jpg


Fitriyanna, you run away and hide from EVERYTHING that has ever caused a tear to trickle down your cheeks. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back to you. & you DON`T KNOW WHAT TO DO. This is an ENDLESS battle you have with yourself, it seems you`re ALWAYS so happy & when you are, it`s genuine YET you know you`re ALWAYS so sad. This is going to take more than one night. You`ve gotten into something you CANNOT deal with. Fitriyanna, your world is crumbling in YOUR very hands. & you look at yourself in the mirror & with each passing day, you realise how forlorn your eyes look - they lack life, they lack soul. You no longer look into people`s eyes with confidence because you are afraid they`ll see how lifeless your eyes have become. 'Whatever happened to that free-spirited girl? Her eyes are barren of life now.' You know you fall deeper into the doldrums slowly & die a little more with each passing day. You are not you anymore & you know it very well.

my happiness

2007 - Of puffy eyes & morning lectures.

clockwise

Kai - Ironically, the only person who can say 'Siak ah' a gazillion times & I wouldn`t be pissed off (: & talking to her makes me feel like I`m in Malaysia, idk why. HAHAHA. &&&&& she can forge my signature like REALLY well. Haha. & my favourite sentence to her? 'KAI, BILA NAK KAHWIN?' hahaha.

Raq - A coincidence that there`s a Raqie in the class. Like seriously, what are the odds of having 2 uniquely-named people in the same class? Like Raqie & Raqiah. Anyway, the person who sleeps with me in bus 5 like ALL THE TIME (: & the one who always, always knows if I`m REALLY okaye or not even if I`ve been laughing away. CRANQIAH, you are loveeeeeee (:

Sann - If there was an award for being the most vulgar, it`d go to her. The cutest Chinese girl friend I have so far & the one who`s ex bf shares the same bday w me & the one whose lovelife is as fucked up as mine, but hers is getting waaaaaay better now. Sann, please spread some LOVE to me, tyvm (: & probably the only person who can say 'FUCK U' & 'Chee Bye' to me & I wouldn`t be pissed. Only exception is her 'REALLY MEH'. Fucking annoying, I tell you (: & now she looks sooo good with Nic (:

Nuraini - The climbing chic who`ll bring me to SP to climb soon, yay! & the one who has a nice bedroom w very nice bedsheets haha (: & the one who`s ALWAYS rushing for food with Kai HAHA (:

Me - NO introduction needed. Okaye la I`m actually the baby of us all. HAHA.

Jac - The craziest ex-butch(hahaha) with cool outfits & shoes & our perception on certain issues are alike. I like talking to her. & probably one of the most straightforward people in my life (: & the one who is my 'mummy' in school because I`ve got this BAD BAD BAD habit of chewing AND biting off the edges of the styrofoam cups HAHAHA. 'FITRIYANNA, GIVE ME THE CUP!'


Muchos Gracias, you 5 for madness, forging signatures 'pls sign for me. i`m not coming for class', company, smoke breaks at the side though I keep complaining I`d die of passive smoking & thanks for LOVE.Haha.

We soooo rock 19C and here`s to more madness like this.
25 Jan 2008


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I keep laughing each time I see this picture because moments before this, all of us almost fell off the bench because all of us were so 'smart'. It couldn`t support our weight & it sort of 'see-sawed' when..get this...when I sat on it. Apparently, I was the last one to be seated. So yes, go figure. HAHAHA. But it was pure madness & we nearly died of laughter. & as u can see, we spilt tea on the table & onto someone`s bag, I dunno whose. LOL.

All of us were still recovering from shock when this was snapped & I suffered from giggling fits. So that explains why I`m umm...like that. HAHAHA. & I think we all need to get back to our Physics & re-learn Newton`s Third Law of Equilibrium or something. HAHAHAHA.

THIS PICTURE IS LOVEEEEEE & YOU GUYS MAKE SCHOOL SOOOOOO MUCH MORE BEARABLE, THANK GOD FOR MADNESS (: HERE`S TO MORE INSANITY & LOVE.

& thank you for insane late night 'I LOVE YOU' SMSes. Awwww, we are such loving people (:

&&&& if there`s no tomorrow, & all we have is here and now, I`m happy just to have you, you`re all the love I need somehow (: I love you 5. With all of my heart (:

& today, I met my favourite flower, Siti Dahliah & we got matching bags! :D

a random shoutout to Iylia... I miss you, you GA freak. You are my strength & may God bless you (:

&&&&&& to my favourite Sergeant, in times of madness & confusion, through the trials & tribulations of my heart for the past one year... You are my joy. Because of you, I now look forward to my Saturdays because I know I`ll be safe & we`ll be okaye even if there`s so much madness & shit to endure. Please shift from Bt Panjang to Simei. You`re too far from me. But it`s okaye, it`s okaye I guess. You are my joy & that`s all that matters (:

Syukran, God, for guidance & for blessing me with love from all these people in my life. Maktub (:

i lose the track that loses me

"My heart is a traitor," the boy said to the alchemist, when they had paused to rest the horses. "It doesn't want me to go on."

"That makes sense," the alchemist answered. "Naturally it's afraid that, in pursuing your dream, you might lose everything you've won."

"Well, then, why should I listen to my heart?"

"Because you will never again be able to keep it quiet. Even if you pretend not to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside you, repeating to what you're thinking about life and the world."

"You mean I should listen, even if it's treasonous?"

"Treason is a blow that comes unexpectedly. If you know your heart well, it will never be able to do that to you. Because you'll know its dreams and wishes, and you will know how to deal with them.

You will never be able to escape from your heart. So it's better to listen to what it has to say. That way, you'll never have to fear an unanticipated blow."

The boy continued to listen to his heart as they crossed the desert. He came to understand its dodges and tricks, and to accept it as it was. He lost his fear, and forgot about his need to go back to the oasis, because, one afternoon, his heart told him that it was happy. "Even though I complain sometimes," it said, " it's because I'm the heart of a person, and people's hearts are that way. People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don't deserve them, or that they'll be unable to achieve them. We, their hearts, become fearful thinking of loved ones who go away forever, or of moments that could have been good but weren't, or of treasures that might have been good but weren't, or of treasures that might have been found but were forever hidden in the sands. Because when these things happen, we suffer terribly."

"My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer," the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky.

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity."

"Every second of the search is an encounter with God," the boy told his heart. "When I have been truly searching for my treasure, every day has been luminous, because I've known that every hour was a part of the dream that I would find it. When I have been truly searching for my treasure, I've discovered things along the way that I have never would have seen had I not had the courage to try things that seemed impossible for a shepherd to achieve."

So his heart was quiet for an entire afternoon. That night, the boy slept deeply, and, when he awoke, his heart began to tell him things that came form the Soul of the World. It said that all people who are happy have God within them. And that happiness could be found in a grain of sand from the desert, as the alchemist had said. Because a grain of sand is a moment of creation, and the universe has taken millions of years to create it.

- The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho



Yes, I FINALLY got my hands on that book(& no, it`s not a love story, please) & I completed reading it in class just now HAHA. Oh btw, I started reading it last night at 10pm. I am totally in love with Paulo Coelho. Will go book-hunting again tomorrow. These days, I`ve been yearning to go to my secret place. You know, just lie down & read. I can do that for hours.

For some reason, this current background song makes me wanna... float. & I was gazing at the sky five nights ago, saw the moon & then it dawned on me that the most breathtaking moon I`ve ever seen was on 4th May 2007. The incidences that occured on that day were coincidentally very meaningful as well. So many moons I`ve seen after that day, but none compared to that.

"Is that the moon or the sun?" "It`s the moon, Fit." "But it`s so big. I`ve never seen it that big. Are you sure that's the moon?" "It's 10pm, Fit. & it's the moon, baby." "But it`s so big" "It`s special and beautiful."
"I want to sit on the table. No, maybe I want to sit next to you."
"I think I love you, you know." "You think so?" "No, I don`t. I know I do." "You know I've always loved you."

Makes me smile, then cry. With him, I lived for moments like that. Simple moments that took my breath away. Moments I can`t imagine myself having with anyone else.

Fit, I see you run and run and run your life away. And I don`t know what you are running away from because you keep returning to the starting point. You are running in circles. If you want to run, you run straight ahead, up the hill, zigzag, whatever, just not in circles. That`s what you are doing - running in circles. I don`t get you at all.

ai fink aym cray zee

I think I miss that touch so much that I crash into people just to feel it again. AND i do say sorry after that OK. I`m polite & very considerate, you know. HAHA.

But you know happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light.
- J.K. Rowling, "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban"


Okaye time to on the lampu. Dah lama tak on. Bye semua! HAHA (:

of faith & hope

So take these words
And sing out loud
Coz everyone's forgiven now
Coz tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that we might find better days


I like to be realistic, but I always stay open for a miracle.


So go on & spread the love. Take a chance.
Text that one person you`ve been missing, or smile at a stranger in the bus, give your mum a warm hug, massage your dad`s weary shoulders, recite a prayer for someone close who`s passed away for years, or write a note to your lover, or call an old friend just to say Hello, or simply count your blessings & be thankful for God`s little gifts or apologize to someone you`ve always wanted to say sorry to.


Sometimes your one little act can put a smile on someone`s face. So go on, stop whatever it is you`re doing & perform a deed.
We are all afraid of the future, petrified of what`s to come. Sometimes we have it going good & we think it`ll last but we`ll never know, we`ll never know.
Everyone hopes for a better tomorrow, a better future.
& in this fragile world, we could all do with a little more love.

Have a good night, everyone & God bless(:

& as the story goes

OMG. I SOOOO HAVE TO TELL THE WORLD THAT I`M MEETING THE DROP DEAD GORGEOUS BABE , MISS NAZIA MATTAR, AFTER SCHOOL TOMORROW FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME & I`M SOOOOOO EXCITED, PLEASE!

:D

HAHA. I`m having butterflies in my tummy. LOL. It`s like I`m having my first date or something. HAHA (: See you tomorrow, sunshine!

egg-citing day

i`m tapping because the guy is only coming down on Tue to check the lines. i feel like smashing the modem, I tell you. -does a guitar smash. if i get caught for tapping, please visit me in jail. ha ha.

&&& zul don`t do THAT to me ever again. not at 4.31 am when i got home only at 0300 and it`s only 1.5 hrs since I shut my eyes. NEVER EVER. though we are like catdog(me being cat, of course), understand that I do love you, my friend, with all my tainted heart for the past 5 years though I think you are the most annoying creature in my life. this love/hate relationship i have with you will probably carry on until we are both old & grey & rotting. how. very. touching. -sobs

&&&&&& CNY is coming which means the annual visit to Andrew`s house. His parents totally adore me because I was the best 'girlfriend' their son could ever have (these aren`t my words, really) & they always always get excited when we bump into each other at NTUC. & they probably think it`d be really nice to have cute little sepet grandchildren. okaye okaye okaye i`m kidding. we used to be neighbours back at 108 so that`s how we became childhood 'sweethearts' & yeah okaye we had it good when we were 17. this is pointless, really, I need to shop for new red clothes. "Fit, just wear the red packet." Thanks a bunch ahhhhhhh, And. =.="

&&&&&&&&&& because of the madness on Friday, i am now Sann`s, Raq`s and Jac`s supergirl now. Yeah, i`m no longer their lighter.
I remember, I remember the last paper we had in Sem 1. Sann wanted to smoke but she had no lighter.
Sann: Does anyone have a lighter?
Me: why don`t you just use me? i AM a lighter coz I light up your life.

& then everyone went insane.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. that`s very...me, I know. we barely knew each other back then. See, that`s how I make friends (:

omgggggggggggggg. today is madness okaye. My day isn`t gonna end till like 1am or something. induction talk, wedding, airport. &&&&& school rocks my kinky underwear because all projects for CA1 are submitted!!!! wheeeeeeeee.

&&&&&&&&&&&& WELCOME HOME, NURUL FARADELLA!!!! (in about another 10 hours)
You`ve been away for far too long & I`d better see all the good stuff you`ve bought for me. No, that doesn`t include the kambing you were SUPPOSED to buy. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

omg it`s already 11am! i`d better get going. everyone tc & have a happy SunYay(sunday)!
:D

i`m taking a break, really

zomg zomg zomg. what`s wrong with technology & me today? first up, my wireless modem has gone bonkers which means I can`t do my work. Which ALSO means that I`m so dead, mati mati tentu mati, because I`m supposed to hand in my POM assignment tomorrow & I need online research. Sooooo after searching for a suitable place WITH power sockets (my laptop`s battery is INSANE, fully charged lasts me 28 mins WTH), I`m finally able to resume my work albeit a haaaard chair which is hurting my ass.

So now I can do my work peacefully. But no. Because there`s no reception on my mobile aka handphone aka telephone bimbit aka cell phone. 'Emerg. Calls Only' ... Goddddddd. STARHUBBBBB. this place (@ the CC near my house) is f.annoying. So that means no one can contact me & my mum`s kinda sick so I don`t know what`s happening @ home. GAHHH.

&&&& I am panicking because i`ve yet to think of one more macroenvironmental issue for this assignment & my time is runningggg outtttttt. I`d have to go over to McDonald`s then since it`s opened 24hours. WAHLAUUUUU. & just so you know, there`s no McD in my neighbourhood (yeah kental eh? go figure where I stay ah). & all my friends stay like 2-3 train stations away from me ( i live in a cave, you dunno ah? but really, none of my friends live near me). But anyway... I believe in the power of 'last minute work'. Imogen Heap`s songs @ full blast now. Gets me going... My brain is oh so awake.

L-L-L-Laters.

mistakes have been made

NOTE: LENGTHY

I`m feeling like crap today & God knows why. Skipped school today because I just feel damn weary. I am getting incessantly pissed with myself for not having the ability to SUSTAIN my very own happiness. Last week was awesome because I finally felt like my old self again. The Fit who`s always laughing & making people laugh & smile with her silly expressions and antics.

I guess meeting Dahliah last Wednesday helped me a great deal. God bless her. We`ve not sat like that & poured our feelings out for so long. If there was one friend I can`t live without, it`d be her. She has always been able to read me like a book & I`ve always taken what she says seriously simply because she makes more sense than me. We`ve been friends for almost 10 years and we are so different yet alike. I guess we counterbalance each other well.

She made me pent down all my frustration, sorrow and whatnots. I decided to put it in a mindmap & at the end of it all, the paper was filled with A LOT of things. It hit me hard when I realized that I`ve been keeping too many things in my system & as always, too many things I never got round saying to him. That explains my constant frustration because I never really said what I`ve always wanted to say. These days, when I get mad about something pertaining him, I just write it all down. & when I`m ready, I`ll write it all out properly and like Dahliah said, I`ve got ntg more to lose & nothing will change but at least it`s out of my system.

So these shitty feelings surfaced just yesterday. Urgh. I`ve been so damn fine for the past week. I`ve been reading a lot, completing my assignments, moving along so damn fine, there are days where he doesn`t even cross my mind… so what exactly is the damn problem NOW? I keep telling Iylia how happy I`ve been & how well I`ve been coping with things, how I haven`t been moping around. & that`s the TRUTH. But after that, he`ll go like “well, yanna, I hope this doesn’t last for a week only.” DAMN. He was right. Gaaaah. Am I that predictable or WHAT?

I`ve been dealing with myself pretty alright, each day, I am learning to forgive myself for all my actions that have hurt others, especially him.

Sometimes, you have to cut people some slack for behaving the way they do. Instead of getting up on your high horse & pointing out their faults wherever you find them, you admit that everyone is flawed.that is to say, we`re all human, & we are all destined to hurt one another, eventhough we DON`T WANT TO & we DON`T MEAN TO. We all dump on each other. We all give each other a hard time one way or another. The only way out of this mess is to learn how to FORGIVE, which means not to take things so damn personally. Then you don`t have to get even, or stomp around in anger, or break up or do all the things people do when they get hurt. So we just have to hang in there w each other & TRY to be smart & patient enough so we don`t end our lives all alone, having rejected everyone by then.

But then again, FORGIVING can be difficult because resentment & hatred can creep into the corners of your heart and won`t let you go, while forgiveness slips past you just like that. the more severe the hurt that has been done to you, the more difficult it is to free yourself from hatred that entwines you. Sometimes, you keep raging inside & it`s not because you are exactly angry, but because you are afraid. you are afraid of getting hurt again so you think that you are safe just by being angry with the person who hurt you.

I guess forgiveness starts with hurt, anger, disbelief, hatred and confusion. It starts in bitterness and disappointment, in that ridiculous belief that you must never and will never forgive that person. I guess each one of us has got to learn to forgive what has happened and try to make the hurt end. I see the need for one to let the anger rise like a fire and then burn itself out on its own, rather than let it set another fire. You fucking take the burn then you heal. you don`t spread the goddamn motherfucking fire.

I am giving up on my hope that the past could have been different. Forgiveness is going to be the representation of my letting go. I want to accept what happened actually did happen and that it can never unhappen. i can`t change it no matter how much anger I have in me. I need to feel the sadness, know the pain, grieve my loss and move on. And i`m not bringing anger and resentment along because they hurt me more than the person who has hurt me.

I`m learning to forgive myself for that one final action that I did that caused us to break up. I`ve always felt responsible for it but I guess that i`m trying to accept that I lack control and that the chains that keep me unforgiving and angry with myself will soon break. I wanna be able to rise above what has been holding me back. I`m gonna be free because I`m gonna finally forgive myself and admit that I have made a grave mistake.

My head`s spinning now. Bye. Someone sprinkle some fairy dust on me already, please.

of crickets and daddy`s snores&...abbreviations

The MSN convo between me & my classmate( NOTE: classmate, NOT closet fan, secret admirer, crush etc. okaye Sann & Jac?) went something like this.

- spunk(@) strip me so you can watch me clean off all these things i`ve been:

you got my text right?
 ®∂Q•3.. :

Yup. THANK YOU.

- spunk(@) strip me so you can watch me clean off all these things i`ve been:

WC (:
 ®∂Q•3.. :

sata!
- spunk(@) strip me so you can watch me clean off all these things i`ve been:

sata what?
 ®∂Q•3.. :

stop all the abbreviations! sata!
- spunk(@) strip me so you can watch me clean off all these things i`ve been:
HAHAHAHAHA. o-m-g raqie, ur soooo annoying.... Okaaaaaye wc is welcome (:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. that was sooooo stupid.

& Aish, thanks a bunch for the previous entry ahhhhh -.-"

Nurul Fitriyanna, stop meeting your new boyfriend and update your blog!
- A, F, H, Z

my restless heart

I am sorry but I can`t do it, not in a month or two. I don`t want to. I`m a walking contradiction myself. & I`m in no position to call him that as well. God. I`m quite an ass. But then again, there`s no pain or pleasure when I`m too numb to feel. Sometimes, the other side of the foolish little girl in me chants things like 'i am okaye. i am moving on fine. i don`t need you'. she says it over & over again & that may not be the truth but somehow she always feels better lying to herself like that.

& omg, like please... PDA in a CROWDED bus early in the morning on my way to school makes me feel like puking all over these annoying people in love or maybe I should just hit their heads with my uber thick Principles of Marketing lecture notes. Okaye that`s the bitter Fit talking.

i am

ffo dessip

come home

Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I'm young
For speaking out of turn
There's someone I've been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They're in their own place trying to make it right
But I'm tired of justifying
- OneRepublic

my weakness

so near yet so far. this is gonna take me a long, long time.

moments like these

i know (:
thank YOU (:

something`s not right but doesn`t matter (:
& I`m stinking late for schooooooooooooooooool.
but i`m blogging this entry for you. you`re gonna wake up at 9 or 10, read this & smile (:
that`s all that matters now.

that`s all.
that`s all.

come & go

okaye i`m just gonna copy & paste the necessary stuff.

him: we are fucked up. people keep letting me down, especially her.

me: you love her.

him: all my heart, Fit.

me: then you`ve got to understand that people ALSO change, apologize & seek redemption.
him: you wouldn't have said that 2 years ago.

me: we are in 2008 afterall. The point is, you love her & she loves you. But I`ve learnt from my relationships that sometimes, love alone isn`t sufficient to make things work. But sometimes, you`ve also got to take that leap of faith, step into the unknown...take the unfamiliar road... to salvage what you`re going to lose.

him: but I can't forgive her for everything... she should have told me about it...i loved her and i was ready to accept it.
me: that`s just your pissed off self talking. trust me on this... you can stay mad at her for as long as you want, but when your anger subsides, the pain will settle in the very pit of your heart & it`ll hurt so bad. so damn bad. you start feeling empty because you know she`s gone.
him: you are right...i am angry because i don't think she should treat me this way after everything.

me: take a chance. go and ask her why she did it. People always make decisions and some are wrong & they remain that way. You could be that one person who can help her undo it all. Do everything, just don`t run away. You run & run & sometimes you end up right where you began. don`t lose sight of her.
him: fuck...are you really Fit?

me: shut up laaaa. Haha.
him: thanks lah Fit...I will call her tonight.
me: good. i`ll always be here, you know that.

I think that`s what it is. I`ve not been talking to him ever since we broke up 2.5 years ago & sometimes, when everything heals & you learn to forgive, you just turn to that one person who`s always been there. & you feel comfortable confiding in him/her as friends because there`s just that sense of familiarity. You know you won`t be judged. Welcome back to my world, dude (:

I am nobody but I am just thankful that one less person feels the way I do. All these negative emotions pertaining losses & aches & whatnots. I`ve mentioned it to Dahliah about how no one should ever feel the way I`ve been feeling. She said I`m such an idealist. But I wish I could just make it all better. That`s all that matters.

On another note, I am still stuck. Gah. & I like doing disappearing acts. I don`t ever want the incidents of 04 Jan 2008 to repeat itself. I mean what am I supposed to tell that lady who doesn`t know that Nazir & me have broken up & asks me questions about him? Just WHAT do I say without feeling upset? I so badly wanted to say, "we`ve broken up" but at that very moment, it felt like someone`s foot was down my throat so I never got round saying it. & she went on, "Zaki told me that Nazir signed on. So does he do patrolling now?" Those words opened up all the damn wounds. I was wishing the ground could have swallowed me right there & then.

23

That brief 5 seconds. I turned to look until it was out of sight. I felt those eyes. We were probably 500m apart but I swear I saw it clearly. I just.... can`t get it out of my mind. I think I might be right.

embrace the uncertainty

I am really, really glad that our Managerial Accounting(MA) lecturer this semester is the same one who took us for Financial Accounting(FA) last sem. She really teaches well, so I can say we are all in good hands (: I don`t recall blogging about this but yes, I got a stinking B for FA. The insane nights whining to everyone about flunking it & doing P&L statements like a lunatic really paid off. HAHA. This sem, you bet I`m gonna whine about MA. It`s supposed to be harder. But Miss Nurul Fitriyanna`s brain is a lil weird because she can digest difficult things better than simpler, straightforward ones. HAHA. Oh I guess I`ve got a greater workload this sem, with 2 memorising subjects. Gahhh.

It was nice to see familiar faces again. During break, Nuraini told me a few disturbing stuff about that 28th Dec party & I got affected by it for 20 mins or so. & then I told myself to just let it slide & 'fuck it'. I did just that & was back to my normal chirpy self (: School`s not too bad for the first day though I had trouble waking up coz i`ve not been having morning classes for the past 3 months or so (: I had fun scribbling notes religiously with my $5.60 6-colored pen HAHAHA. & yes, I have a new insanely bright yellow Spongebob Squarepants pencil case. HAHAHA. You see, I love shopping for things like these. I`m actually enjoying 2008 so far. I know, I know. It`s only been 2 days but a good start sure makes me feel good.

Met up with dearest Iylia after school for lunch in Tamp. HAHA. I miss pouring everything out to him. Muchos gracias for the gummybears & chocs from KL! (:

I`m still having trouble sleeping but I guess everything will fall into place soon enough. I`m doing okaye, maybe even better, don`t you people worry about me. The past cannot be changed. But the future is a different story & it has to start somewhere. I`m ready for that (: I`m happy if you are truly happy, N (:

i hope my smile can distract you

=/

so follow the leader you`re all on my team

Fireworks was magnificent. I teared when it struck 12, okaye I`m such an ass but yeah I was overwhelmed. Like omg I made it through the trials & tribulation of 2007. Got my first 2008 hugs & kisses from my parents & we had a big family hug. It didn`t really feel complete coz my sister wasn`t present since she`s in Perth. We called her up & found out she was watching Msia`s countdown on cable. Haha. After that, I scooted off to meet the rest & that`s when my night actually began.

Grinding asses was fun. Zul had to get it on with me on the dancefloor because there were one too many mats/bengs/NS men hitting on me & I stepped on a knnbccb CHEEKY Malay guy with my 6-inch killer heels. Things got waaaaaay too hot & heavy. Omg sweat, or should I say beads of perspiration, trickling down my neck, & I really shouldn`t have worn a dress. We partied the night away &&&& a couple of stuff happened & i did something really insane but we all knew it was all in the name in the fun. & the insane, "zul ur hands, zul ur hands...zuuuuul!!!!". Whatever happened early this morning will remain behind the doors & the 4 walls. Okaye maybe not 4 walls. How many walls were there, Zul? Anyway, here`s to the insane dancing along the roads after that, jumping on the hotel bed, singing our asses off & plonking all of our 9 tired bodies on ONE king-sized bed at 5.30am. The night couldn`t have happened for me but I was glad it did & I think my parents were cool with allowing me out till REALLY late since I`ve been a pretty good girl for the past 3 months. HAHAHA. & a huuuuuuuuuge thanks to Hafiz`s mum for booking us the 2 rooms at Pan Pac. && I love all my friends because we need NO alcohol to rock the night away (:

OKAAAAAAAAAAYE BACK TO SCHOOL TOMORROW. GAAAAH. My body`s aching. Okaye & yes I`ve got new hair (: & REMIND me to stay away from chickens for a week.

hello goodbye

I`ll be just fine. Maybe someday you`ll actually realise that if I leave now, it DOESN`T mean I love you any less, but face it, I can`t be good for ANYONE else if I go on this way. & my stand on moving on? It doesn`t mean you cease loving someone, you just learn to deal with the pain of not having the person. I can`t believe I feel alright about walking away, but I DO feel okaye & I`m not lying about it. & for once, i`m NOT afraid of feeling this way either. I`ve got a damn good reason to stay & that`s my LOVE for you, but I`ve got a BETTER reason to leave & that`s YOU. You're downright beautiful, every little piece love, don`t you know? You`re REALLY gonna be someone someday. When you find everything you`ve looked for, I hope your life leads you back to my door. But if it doesn't, just... stay beautiful.

Know that I`ve always loved you, the way I`ve never loved another. & if I could go back in time, you know I`d return to you & only you. In a heartbeat, I would. I`ve always wanted to try everything for you. I`d have done anything and more. But now you`re so far out of reach. I`ve tried to hold on but I just can`t anymore. I`m tired of trying for something that never gets any better. I`m tired of the pain. So from now on we`ll live our lives apart from each other, & we`ll pretend we don`t remember everything we`ve shared. But I would`ve done anything for you, & I still would. But it`s alright. Everything`s gonna be okaye. Everything will be. I`ll be just fine, yes I will.

Tonight`s gonna be whacked. Happy 2008 to one & all. Have a blessed year ahead (: Here`s to more love, joy, laughter &... a better future.