SIAPA TU POMPUAN

Okaye I was feeling crappy when I got home after the 5 km run because I stepped on... fucken poo. DOG POO. CAT POO. I DON`T KNOW LA. & then I went to Iylia`s Friendster page & lmao when I saw that Youtube video he posted. I`ve got no idea where he got it from but the girl is fucken irritating yet funny. Not funny as in funny funny. But funny wth funny. Get what I mean? Okaye no.

"SIAPA TU POMPUAN? AKU NAK JUMPA KAU SEKARANG. KAU KAT MANA? KAU KAT MANA? AKU NAK JUMPA KAU. KAU KAT MANAAAA??!! SIAPA TU POMPUAN? KAU KAT MANA? SIAPA TU POMPUAN LA PUKIMAK"

Imagine yelling that into your mobile in the train. Yes in the MRT. Oh wait, it`s not yelling. It`s SCREAMING AND SOBBING AT THE SAME TIME. Sheesh. Weirdo. But then again, God knows how hard it must be for the girl.

EH I STEPPED ON POO .
AKU PIJAK TAIK! AKU PIJAK TAIK. TU TAIK APA?! KAU BILANG AKU! TU TAIK APA?! AKU NAK JUMPA ITU TUAN TAIK!

you leave me high & dry

I don`t want to look at you, because if I do, I would never turn away. & you know what scares me now? The fact that you`re better than him & I`m just not sure if I`m ready just yet. At the same time, I don`t want to miss this chance. You`re more than just a handsome face. You really, really, really, really are.


He`s always, always the only one I think of in the middle of the night or in the wee hours of the morning but it`s 0230 now & I must say you`ve been on my mind more than he has. & I don`t know. I don`t know why it scares me so much.

I`m not sure if I`ll ever live to see the day I`m NOT confused. Ha. Fit, Fit, Fit. Tsk.


[edit]

Geez. I`m DEAD. I`m supposed to meet up with a gazillion people now that the holidays are here. People like Hidz, Aish, Frente, Hafiz, Sufi, Afiq, Iylia, Adly, Dahliah, Zaz, Riotgrrlz. I actually crossed out the dates I`m unavailable. I`ve got a month`s holiday BUT I only have 10 days to spare my loved ones & all those people whom I owe a meeting/party/clubbing/coffee/movies/shopping/catch-up sessions.

I`ll be busy babysitting Manesh at West Coast (God, it`s my first & I hope he`s not a brat, but I know he is) next week on my grandma`s behalf since she`ll be away to KL, & then there`s the sending & fetching Faiz to the Old P.A EVERY DAY from the 3rd to 7th for his Police Soccer Clinic thingamajig & I so have to come down for his match on the 8th. I`m such a good sister, I know. HAHA. I`ll bring a banner okaye. HAHA. & Riotgrrlz, if you`re available, please come down to Old P.A with Hazim or something on the 8th as well because Hadizul & Naufal are in it as well so I guess the entire family will be there. Rosnah`s & Rudin`s that is. HAHA. & I think it`d be fun to see the boys on the field. & you know, family bonding kinda thing. HAHAHA.

Then I`ll be busy with the day camps & trainings with Summerville for the kids next week onwards AS WELL & that`s like ALL OVER SG & then off for a trip to Bali & when I return, intensive gym trainings with Khairul, the gym guy. I`ve booked my gym slots. Omg it`s madness. I`ve got weights & endurance trainings. I totally need to get my body & fitness back before the touch rugby trainings in January. On a brighter note, I`ll be getting my pacs soon. They so have been long gone since I stopped track trainings. HAHA.

I know. It doesn`t sound like a holiday but I`m intentionally keeping myself occupied for ..we all know what reason. I`ll just sink into depression if I sit at home whole day long & allow you-know-what to affect me. & I think the theme for the holidays this round is... KIDS. hahaha

But from now till Sunday, it`s ME time. Me, books, SLEEP, TV. Nothing else.

[/edit]

i want this baby

ZOMG. SONY CYBERSHOT T2 IN LIME GREEN. 8.1 megapixel, touch screen

*Fit goes cross-eyed*

HAHAHAHA.



I SMELL IT. I SMELL IT. I SMELL IT. I SMELL IT. I SMELL IT.

*chants*

I SMELL FREEDOM IN 9 HOURSSSSSSSS (: &&& I CAN ALREADY SMELL MY BRAND NEW HEELS WHEN I GO SHOPPING WITH MUM AFTER MY PAPER LATER. I`m a happy girl today, even happier if the FA paper`s manageable later (:

I think it was the unprecedented serenity I experienced after prayers last night. It was somewhat different. Surreal`s a word too subtle to describe it. So that PROBABLY explains my mood for now (:

Dancing rabbits on the floor (: I remember that (: Always keeps me going each time I`m stuck at a question. HAHA.

I`ve got a heavy heart to lug, but an even stronger will to keep me going (:

GO, FIT, GO! (:

*wiggles ass, crinkles nose & jumps around with pompoms*

See, i`m my own cheerleader (: An excellent one, that is. HAHAHA.







P.S no prizes for guessing what colour this happy girl will be dressed in today. HAHAHA.

the one who sleep talks

at 3.45am,

frente: do you think you will?
me: the thing is blue.

frente: what blue?
me: inspirasi tutup.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. CRAPCAKE. I`M STARTING TO SLEEP TALK. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. & fyi, inspirasi is my fav mee soto stall at Bedok Intchng & it`s undergoing some reno works or something & God knows why I told her that. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. & truth be told, I HAVE GOT NO IDEA what she said AT ALL. It went on for like 15 mins or so & she finally hung up. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

i am supergirl

PROMISE ME YOU WON`T CRY. PROMISE, PROMISE, PROMISE ME. IMAGINE I`M THERE ON YOUR BED. CAN YOU PICTURE MY SMILE? CAN YOU PICTURE MY SILLY FACE? THAT SILLY EXPRESSION I ALWAYS DO WHEN I SEE TEARS IN YOUR EYES & THEN YOU LOOK UP & START TO SMILE? & the warmness in my embrace when we both begin to cry together after that?

Now silly girl, you CANNOT cry without me. & remember our pact? Wednesday, I promise. Even if saving you sends me to heaven (or hell). Always, always. God willing. I`ll be there on Wednesday.

For you, I`ll be strong. Now, chin up & wipe those tears away. Your supergirl is still around, you know, albeit a bitten heart and stormy days. OKAYE HERE`S A HUG FROM 941 TO 32. HAHA. LOVE YOU APLENTY LAAAA, IDIOT(:

&&& you are the flower & i`m the.... stalk or soil or leaf. okaye okaye i choose leaf because it`s green (:

okaye la. I`M A CONDOM. I PROTECT YOU WHEN THINGS GET HARD. HAHAHA (:

STOP CRYING ALREADY!

*does a funny face & hugs my fav girl*

& just so you know, i`m going down with you.

CWANKY

I KNOW i said i`ll be back on the 28th. Anyway, I`ve got no idea what made me blog about the convo. & before ANYONE accuses me of anything, Mr. Climber is happily attached & me? I`m extremely cRanky today.

I`m in the let-me-be-self-centred-bitchy-annoying-demanding-today-because-I-am-running-a-38.4-degrees-celsius-fever-and-i-have-exams-tomorrow-onwards-and-i`m-feeling-giddy-and-don`t-need-to-deal-with-more-crap-and-i-am-ignoring-all-phone-calls-and-messages-on-my-hp-so-don`t-bother-me-at-all-and-allow-me-to-be-cranky mood.

Despite feeling utmost crappy, I`d be glad to make CERTAIN exceptions & pick up your calls or reply your messages. I need to sleep because there`s like an imaginary rock on my head right now but I MUST mug. Biz Stats, I love you so. & dear body, why oh why must you fail on me like, now? -.-" Must be the germs from Nurul Faradella. Urgh. I`m her elder sister so it`s okaye. We should all blame the younger ones NO MATTER WHAT, especially the middle child. haha.

hey mr. climber

Mutual attraction. This is weird. The entire convo was. Short & simple but deep.

Mr. Climber: rebound?
Me: mmm. you think so?
Mr. Climber: no...maybe attraction.

Me: LUSSSSST. HAHAHAHA.

Mr. Climber: could be...maybe it's my muscles and your .....

Me: like shut up already, haha. security laaa (:
Mr. Climber: anything can happen little girl

Me: catch me if you can (:
Mr. Climber: i'll beat you...

okaye fine, i`ll shut up. i`m not telling you who this isssssss ;p

back on the 28th (:

of rising temp and leaking nose

CHEEBONGZ. like of all the timing la fuck. & where`s my TAGBOARD AH?

tell me what this is

you make me have butterflies in my tummy. you have his eyes. maybe that`s why.

-shrugs

i am cranky, hear me roar

Why do people think it`s okaye for them to do horrible things to other people as long as they apologise afterwards?



grrr. you are so taking advantage of MY ability to forgive others easily.

& i`ll be there by your side

I think it`s the not seeing that KILLS me. I wished he was still residing in Sg, then that would make it all easier. But unfortunately not. He has aged so much since my grandma passed away 3 years ago. I TRULY CANNOT imagine how he lives every single day, knowing that the person he loved and spent almost more than 60 years with will NEVER ever return. Slowly, I got used to it but there are days, even till today, when I secretly go to the other room in the middle of the night, & I open the closet just to get a whiff of her clothes. & the familiarity overwhelms me so much sometimes that I just recite a prayer for her, sit & cry helplessly & then allow myself to get lost in that moment.

the human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. that death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed.
- the five people you meet in heaven by mitch albom

My heart just dropped each time I hear him wake up so many times in the middle of last night. I know, because I was awake as well. I no longer see many smiles on his face & it truly hurts me. I guess that when the love of your life leaves you eternally, life goes on but somehow, it loses meaning. We attach ourselves so strongly to people that when they`re gone, a part of us is gone too.

His health has been deteriorating & though he`s so far away & only comes over like once every 5 months, sometimes I wish I could do so much more. I couldn`t help but get all so teary-eyed when I kissed him before he went away just now. & before Dad drove off, he teased my brother and I could see that he was getting all teary as well. God knows what was going through his mind. & when Dad finally drove off with him in the front seat, I just stood helplessly for a moment & before I knew it, my brother`s eyes were red as well. Here is an 11-year-old boy, who only thinks of nothing but play, but seeing his red eyes just got me thinking that he is afraid as well. Life`s so darn fragile. It truly is. There`s TOO MUCH at stake & you just can`t afford to be picking fights with everyone, hurting them, hating them, losing them & not treasuring them.

& Dear God, I really wish you`d put me off this emotional rollercoaster because I REALLY feel like I`m on the brink of depression. One more disappointment or heartache, & there I go. I can`t stand this fragility any longer. I really, really, can`t.

i believe that the heart does go on

Do you ever just sit down and start blogging? & everything going through your head just pours onto the page, & when you reread it, it doesn`t make sense, but you know its meaning, because your mind jumps around so much when you just let go, you lose all control. All of your heart, your soul, is on that page, & you become so vulnerable to the world.

Today, I woke up feeling more afraid than ever & I do not know why. I can`t stand this emptiness, I swear.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

- Nelson Mandela

storm clouds may gather & stars may collide

To my favourite couple, I pray that things will get better. Love unconditionally & keep your faith in God. Sometimes, seeing both of you quarrel makes me wonder why nazir and me didn`t argue over such big matters. Such matters that when resolved, make you a better & stronger couple.

I can`t say much because it isn`t easy to be a listening ear to the both of you at the same time & it`s hard knowing BOTH of you read this space but you know that I love you both & you`ve become this couple whom I look up to because you`ve been through SO MUCH & still, your love prevails. It`s so much easier for me to say things to others but no one can really heed their own advice.

All I wanna say is this. Sometimes the hardest things to say are the things that really, really matter. & that there is NO greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. I know how sad it is to hide from something you really want or need. Sometimes you resort to lies because you are so damn afraid that your partner would be hurt but you did the thing that you lied about because you HAD to, because of certain circumstances. Even if you had the right intentions. But often times, when the lies surface, the other party misunderstands. No matter how much you explain, you just can`t change their mind. AND when you lose that one person, you`ve got no reason to blame anyone else but yourself. The thing or person that`s involved in that lie DOES NOT GIVE A HOOT about the both of you, whether you guys are together or not, arguing or not, happy or not. So, DON`T allow the relationship to end because of a lie which concerns SOMEONE else. But most of all, no more lying to each other.

At this point, I really want nothing more than to see the both of you locked in each other`s arms again, PDA-ing in front of me (haha). I`ve seen how your ups & downs have moulded you into better people, both individually & as a couple. It`s times like these, when important issues like trust are tested, that your LOVE for each other is tested as well. It`s at this point of time that your LOVE will make things work. YES, love alone isn`t sufficient in a relationship but for now, in order to make things work, it is.

Hafiz, you know how you feel about her. Remember how you told me when you see her your palms start to sweat, your heart races and you become really nervous? How you`re scared to make a complete fool of yourself and how`d you do anything for her? & how you`d always call me in the middle of the night just to update me about your dates? Trust me, for as long as I`ve known you, I have NEVER heard such happiness in your voice. It`s when you start talking about her that I truly know how much you really do love her, despite her flaws. Remember what actually made you fall for her, remember all your firsts & no matter how mad you are right now, remembering all that will at least remind you that this relationship is worth saving because your love for each other will overshadow all the negativity right now.

Frente, you know what he means to you. You know that as we get older, things like relationships hold greater meaning. You just don`t fall in & out of love, get in & out of different relationships, because slowly, you start to know how sacred loving someone can be. This is not secondary school. This is not puppy love. It`s in his love that you find a greater meaning in life. Love, isn`t everything, but it`s in everyone`s hearts. & it`s up to you how you show it to that one person. I`m looking at things from a 3rd party`s pov & I MUST say this, I can`t promise that things will fall into place, but it will DEFINITELY make the both of you stronger.

I believe in the both of you. So chin up, MEET UP AND TALK, even if it means throwing slippers at each other (I so remember this, HAHA), & it will help to inject a little humour AFTER everything is resolved. SO HURRY, KISS AND MAKE UP ALREADY. One day, when you`re happily married with kids or something, you`re so gonna laugh at all these because YOUNG LOVE is just funny, full of angst, full of ego, full of trivial arguments, full of everything. But it is the nicest feeling to laugh WITH the person you shared all these madness with.

& dear God, it`s ok that my relationship with the person I love didn`t work out, but I pray that You would guide my favourite couple & make them happy. If i have to be sad, then make my friends happy.





& yeah, I miss him a great deal. I`ve told him once that I`d rather argue with him EVERYDAY than not have him AT ALL. It still stands. But I guess I`ll come to terms with things someday, when I`m ready. Moving on isn`t a one time thing. I do it every day, over & over again. &&&& as we all know, I haven`t been pretty successful. One day, maybe.

Love can touch us one time

And last for a lifetime

And never let go till we're gone

Love was when I loved you

One true time I hold to

In my life we'll always go on

Ash Wednesday

There`s something familiar about despair. It`s like a soft, old blanket. I know depression. I feel welcomed there. To believe that my life may be full of joy, laughter and understanding fills me with so much fear of disappointment that i would prefer to smoke a cigarette and not believe at all. I either want everything to be magic or mythic or i want to be dead.



Job well done, Nurul Fitriyanna. You stayed up till late to complete the past semesters Financial Accounting papers & you overslept this morning. You fucking overslept on the day of your last F.A lecture & it`s the ONLY morning lecture for this semester. Pathetic. You are, not the lecture.

like how fucking 'great'

Sigh. The damn card. The damn letter. I`m such a PROCRASTINATOR. That & the fact that I didn`t know WHAT exactly to write. Now, look. You can go keep them in the drawer, Fit. Like...forever.

choke choking choked

oh. umm. great. i guess?

watch me on the field

TOUCH RUGBY! :D

irate

Yeah, I lost my love & part of my life. But i`m still sane enough to know that no matter what, I`m still in control of MY life. The rest is up to God. I`m fucked up but not THAT fucked up. That 7-letter word which begins with a goddamn capital R isn`t gonna happen to me because I won`t allow it to. Yeah, there ARE people lingering, waiting. I`m not denying that. Or if you`d like me to be precise, there are 4. Even when I was still with Nazir, there were 2. But, really, SO WHAT? SO FUCKING WHAT? I am SO DARN SICK of being a magnet to all the WRONG kind of guys out there. Yeah, & who am I to judge them? But look, I am building my defence & I am not gonna allow anyone to tear down my walls that easily. I`m not allowing any Tom, Dick or Harry to penetrate through these walls. At the rate I`m going, I know I`m capable of being in a goddamn rebound 'relationship' but like I`ve said, I`m fucked up but not THAT fucked up. Given what I was like, or rather, what I used to be before I was with One or Nazir, it would be of no surprise to my close friends if one of these days, I tell them that I`m involved with one of the 4 guys. or 2 or 3. Whichever. BUT i`m sorry to burst your damn bubble, if you`re expecting me to blog about that kinda shit, then don`t bother because that`s not gonna happen. Fuck rebound. I`m not gonna be more fucked up. & say what you like, but I`m not on a damn rebound because I don`t see the need to lie to myself & though I`ve created enough shit for Nazir and though he`s pissed me off a gazillion times, I just know that those aren`t good reasons for me to be on a damn rebound. Bottomline, there is NO reason for me to be on the rebound.

Yeah, I`ve become this forlorn person who can cry randomly when one thought of him crosses my mind. Yeah I made alot of mistakes but I`m still so fucking in love with him. Yeah, I can`t get over him yet. Yeah, I`ve become more angsty & my vocabulary of vulgarities is expanding. Yeah, I blog about it all. I don`t know who the fuck has been reading my blog, but I don`t care. It is my decision to blog & it is foolish of me to say things like, 'oh this is MY blog, MY space, fuck off people' because this is the goddamn World Wide Web and if I want to say stupid things like that, I might as well not blog. But if you think this is all asking for sympathy or me being bitter or whatever shit, then don`t return, seriously. You know my entries are gonna be like this, so why bother? I mean, seriously, if you think of it. But it ticks me off when I get fucking anonymous emails because if YOU want to send me crap like that, have the decency to leave your name because I would like to know what your fucking problem with me is. You have already done enough snooping around this blog AND you want to leave anonymous emails. I think you must be mental. Fucking mental. Each time I receive an email from you, I delete it because it`s not worthy of space in my mailbox. If you`re getting frustrated that I`ve replied to NONE of your emails like goddammit 5 emails in a week and I`m not even saying anything, if it`s attention from me that you want, if you want me to blog about how fucking annoying you`ve been, here it is. Part of a paragraph just for you.

Okaye I`m done. This entry has been my honest so far. Accounts is calling me. & truth is, I`d rather sit & do the fricking past papers for Financial Accounting eventhough I hate that damn subject instead of figuring out why this anonymous faggot is behaving the way IT is. I mean, the relationship is so over already, so why are you even sending me emails like NOW? Sheesh. & in Zul`s words, 'sekarang masalahnya apa ni?'.

mow-tee-vay-shen or something like it

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NOT.

scared out of my wits

& that was the 5th time or something. I`d better stop listening to the damn radio at FULL BLAST and be vigilant when crossing the road because God might not save me for a 6th time. & when that happens, you people can check me out in the Orbituary in the papers.

petrified

I swear that this is scaring the shit out of me. It`s not supposed to.

:D

Thank You, God for answering my prayers.. I am eternally grateful because I went for a checkup this morning AND I am free from the shackles of 29th Dec. YAY!!!!!!!!!! :D

rock a bye baby on the treetop

The whole bunch of them was sitting in the living room after the recital of the Yaasin & I got a little bored because they were talking about bikes. I squeezed in between Aish & Frente & started playing with Khairul on my lap. Guys, jealous much? Someone got to be on my lap & be smothered with kisses. HAHAHA. Okaye anyway, HE HAS GOT TO BE THE CUTEST BABY. & you guys underestimated me. He didn`t drop from my arms. So Zul, your 'Eh Fit..dah kurus kering macam mana nak angkat baby. His thighs are fatter than your wrist.' was SO unnecessary NAK MAMPOS. & Aish, your 'I think you will make him cry' was darn annoying. I had a feeling the baby was sleepy so while everyone was talking, I actually sang a fricking lullaby & everyone had a good laugh for like 15 minutes. What idiots, right?

Me: Rock a bye baby on the treetop, when the wind blows, the cradle will talk.

OKAYE I JUST FORGOT THE WORD WAS 'ROCK' SO I SANG 'TALK' though it doesn`t make sense but at least it rhymed!!!

& then everyone became silent, looked at me like I just grew an erected dick & eventually laughed like lunatics. CRAZY.
I was annoyed so the only thing I said was, 'WHAT, STOP LAUGHING. THAT`S LIKE THE ONLY LULLABY I KNOWWWWW. WHAT`S SO FUNNYYYYYYY ?'

Retarded idiots laughed till they cried.

& after half hr, I was very pleased upon looking at all their 8 faces when they saw how peaceful Khai slept in my boobs, sorry, i mean, arms.

Zul: Mana Fit? Diam je.

Aish: Beside me

& then I looked up & everyone stared at me because they didn`t know I could actually hold a baby, what more put him to sleep OR sing a damn lullaby, though it`s lyrically incorrect. You see, my friends are annoying because they think I`m this brat who hates babies & the only babies I play with are those stupid botak baby dolls with eyes open like 24/7 and they only close when you 'terbalik' it. DOES ANYONE GET WHAT I`M SAYING? Okaye nvm. Point is, a baby slept in my arms & maybe you guys should have seen how much fun we had instead of being so engrossed in your conversation about bikes for like an hour and totally forgot my presence because it`s one topic I can never say something about? HAHAHA.

Anyway, random, I like that colourful kueh. Like damn cool. So does anyone need me to put him/her to sleep now? Lullaby included. HAHAHAHAHA.

life is full circle

Deep down, everyone wants to believe they can be hardcore. But being hardcore isn’t just about being tough. It’s about acceptance. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hardcore for once. You don’t have to be tough every minute of every day. It’s okay to let down your guard. In fact there are moments when it’s the best thing you can possibly do… as long as you choose your moments wisely.

-Meredith Grey

I`m really sorry but I just can`t go on developing such negative feelings for the person I`ve always loved. Everybody says things they don`t mean. & I swear that I never did hate you, even in my moments of anger. Someday, you`ll know. & I hope that one day, you can find it in your heart, to forgive me for every single thing that mattered. Right now, maybe, just maybe it`s best if I slip away. You`ll always be in my prayers. I miss you bad, NJ.

in limbo

I don`t know what it is but despite all my mistakes, I just know it shouldn`t be this way. Maybe that`s why I can`t slip away yet. & accounts just makes it all worse. It`s been 7 weeks of goddamn Financial Accounting & I can`t even produce a PROPER & CORRECT Trading Profit & Loss Statement WITHOUT referring to the format. & exams are in 11 damn days. God, give me my strongest & best subject already. Econs Econs Econs Econs. I ONLY WANT ECONS. But I`ll have to wait till the last sem. But honestly right now, I cannot stand Accounting. I`ve tried loving it. Oh trust me, I have.

...

Aching longing. The worst I`ve felt so far.

a little tenderness

I want to appreciate the times when moments are made into memories. I want to embrace them, cherish them, & never forget that they come so few and so far between. I know that wherever life takes me, these moments will always follow. They remind me of what`s truly important. It`s not just life but living. It`s the journey, the destination, and all the points i see in between. I`m loving the crescent tonight. The tranquility of the night`s making me all warm & fuzzy inside.

I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listen
She left before I had the chance to say
The words that would mend the things that were broken
But now it's far too late, she's gone away

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me? Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe that

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

The taste of your breath, I'll never get over
The noises that you made kept me awake
The weight of things that remaind unspoken
Built up so much it crushed us everyday

like so whatever

0930 was a test. Enough said.

warmness on the soul

I`ve been on rare bitch form as of late. No no, it`s not my cycle because it`s just meeeeeee. Angst is no good. Especially mine, I admit this because it ALWAYS creates some sort of mess that can`t be cleared. My fury blinds me. Oh the things I say in my moments of disarray. I promised myself I`d never again find myself in a position where I`m not in control of my life. Here`s to the beauty of letting go of young, fiery love. It was undeniably something, but now, we are just ...people. I`m a firm believer in sometimes, it`s right to do the wrong thing. Honestly, at times, I can`t quite comprehend my state of mind. Mmmm. I know I can`t go on with hatred. Momentary hatred, yes, maybe, but definitely not everlasting because that`s just not the way I am with people. If you can`t forgive me, then...then so be it. The One above will. & that matters the most. Thank God for faith & the power of prayers.

I`m been thinking of moving to LJ since forever. A brand new start. A brand new beginning. Let bygones be bygones. We`ll see. For now, there are lots of other matters in hand to be resolved. I pick the people in my life by the beating of their hearts, not the swelling of their heads. Things happen & it`s not a good reason to shut the world out.

April May June July August September, you left me too soon. I wish you never did. I wanna leave November before it leaves me first.


Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive

Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go

Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love

Look me in the heart and unbreak broken

It won't happen

It's love that leaves and breaks

The seal of always thinking you would be real happy, and healthy, strong and calm

Where does the good go? Where does the good go?

haha

because it always leads me home. & for the first time yesterday, she said what she felt & i smiled because i agreed. yes, it`s impure (: but i said i`ll never have to deal with it again.

we`re empty

Last night was stupidity at its peak. Courage gone to waste. I took one fricking hour to send the first msg. I didn`t get a 'promise'. It meant the world. That one damn word. I did it not to try again because I know we`re gone case. I can want this alot but really, why? Maybe it`s just like this. & maybe I should just slip away because I don`t know a lot of damn things right now & this longing is killing me. I don`t have any idea why, but aren`t things supposed to get easier as days go by? You learn to live without the other person, you learn to deal with your emotions better & you learn to accept things the way they are. It`s been more than a week, in fact, more than a month if you come to think of it. & I still haven`t moved an inch. It`s not supposed to be this way, not supposed to hurt like this for me, for him, for us. We`re supposed to be happier people but why is everything just holding me back? 19 November`s coming really soon & from that very day onwards, he`ll be too busy to even remember that he`s been hurt beyond hurt & I guess he`ll move on just fine. I just don`t like the idea of that, really.

tried to take a picture of love

OKAYE I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF ACC OUNTING FOR TODAY. 3.5 hours of insanity. I know it`s insufficient but that`s about as much as my brain can take for now.

I`m so hooked to this song now. Empty by Click 5.

Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing is beating our hearts
We're empty

And I've even wondered
If we should be getting under these sheets
We could lie in this bed
But it's empty
It's empty

I just need to let out a huuuuge sigh now. imu bad. On a brighter note, I can`t wait to meet Zaz & Dahl after school. It`s been too long, angels.

only you

i`d give anything to be annoyed again tonight. anything.

monday bloos

Cue shooting star. Wishes do come true -rolls eyes.

bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i am annoyed. nazir ur smses are annoying. i am annoyed ive said it. not annoyed annoyed. but more to 'i want to strangle you and tape your mouth and make you listen to me because i love you so much and i wish shit would end because we were supposed to last a lifetime i want to have ur kids and argue with you about the names of our children how one of them should be named Fikri and how u strongly disagree becoz u might call the wrong name in bed and i want to wake up to ur handsome face every morning and sit on your bike and irritate you while you ride by knocking ur helmet and tickling and pinching you. i want to feel ur hands on my lap again and how u`ll touch my knee each time we are on the bike, it`s as if you are just making sure i`m safe back there and u can`t say anything coz ur riding and i want to pull ur visor down for you whenever there`s a need to though i know u can do it for urself. i want to sit and rot with you i want to wash and iron ur blue uniform all my life, though i don` know how to iron. and i want to do all the things i want to do with you every weekend and i want to go on holidays with you and do things like bungy jumping and yelling i love nazir i love fit we are the best couple in the world omg so cliche..i want to irritate you by not allowing you to sleep on the bed when you return from night shift but instead i`ll make you lie on my lap and i`ll kiss and put you to sleep like a baby while i watch sappy romantic tv shows and i`ll force you to paint the house in my one and only favourite color GREEN i want to die in your arms and why can`t we just be a little normal like all the rest of the couples are and most of all i want to be the best you`ll ever have' kinda annoyed. & i realise i can go on forever with this & the retarded thing is, i can see us doing all that. DOES THIS EVEN MAKE SENSE?

Well if that doesn`t, i know THIS does --> EXAMS are in 14 DAYS, NURUL FITRIYANNA.

sunny sunshine

I know that the both of you are going through hell right now. So let me make the ride a little better by taking a seat & going through it WITH you. Here`s to madness & better tomorrows.

turtle

15. I know. Shut up -wiggles nose

sleepless in SeattleSimei

perky

Last night, or rather, early this morning, I was pissed, depressed, upset, aggravated, whatever you name it, when I was on Episode 8 & the damn thing stopped halfway. Refreshed the page but nothing happened. ARGHHHHHHHH. Found out from Iylia that they`ve taken the page down :(

But but but but but I just checked it again & YAY the page is now up! (: I can watch all 27 episodes now (: Yea, THIS was the salvation I was talking about. Haha. The website, itself.

Anyway, I`m looking forward to the JB trip later becoz I want Dunkin Donuts :D

forever lost

There`s a part of me that hopes you`ll never read this, because if you do, it means that you`ve discovered some other mistakes I`ve made in my life. & while I try to set those mistakes right, I know that I`ll never be able to regain your trust. It tortures me to think that I`ve ever caused you moments of pain. But I know I have. I only hope that you can find it in your heart, your heart which is far better & purer than mine, to forgive my sins, because despite my mistakes & airs, I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU. I have always treasured your love. & no matter what mistakes I have made and the pain those mistakes have caused, I know I`ve done at least one right thing in this life. & that was to fall in love with you.

prying eyes

and all of a sudden i`ve become a hit. 7 out of 10 people who view me are linked to him. girls & guys alike. & that includes his ex gf`s current boyfriend. Like hello? Hmmm? Is there something i`m missing or don`t know about? I`m not gonna read much into this but it`s just a tad annoying.

lifetime piling up

This changes everything.

bandaid for bullet holes

Be harsh on yourself but don`t be unforgiving -Raq

Thank you, Raq for that & for believing in me.

& thank you Iylia, for ears & company at ungodly hours & sometimes for bearing with my sobs over the phone.

& thank you to the one who held my heart, for the many subtle lessons in life, heartbreaks and... for love.

but most of all, Thank You, the Most Exalted, for forgiveness, mercy, compassion & blessings. It is in Your unconditional love for us Your creation, that I gather true strength in my darkest hours.


So now pucker up & hold your head up high, Fit. The best has yet to come.

i waited 2 days

Salvation. Like finally.

coz you & i both loved

Hit the sack early, maybe at 0045. The night was horrible. I hated it. You know that feeling when you`re bent over the damn toilet bowl at 3 in the morning, purging like fuck & crying at the same time, that you realise you are one of the WORLD`S GREATEST WRECK. I could feel those damn mussels & scallops swimming out of my throat. I sat down on my bed for the longest time after that till I arrived at a conclusion. God we both mentioned it so many times. Yea, i w s t b t o. & i guess it hurts a great deal because we meant what we said, it wasn`t some sweet nothings or shit like that.

Oh, but at often times those words get tangled up in lines

And the bright light turns to night

Oh, until the dawn it brings

Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me


I need all the gummybears in the world right now. & someone please just drill it in my head to stop living in the past.

of cancer sticks, love, you, me, tears, and aching hearts

I felt so safe in your arms, love. I needed to do/say/cry about everything & you were there. Thank you for your heart, ears & presence. Thank you for holding my hand when we crossed the road & for allowing me to lose myself but stopping me just in time before it all got worse . Thank you for your embrace & kisses on my head. Thank you for your strength. Thank you for tissue paper & your delicate fingers on my face. Thank you for driving me to important places like ECP, Boardwalk, his secret place, my secret place, block 150, the top level of TM etc.. Thank you for holding me tight at each place & not saying anything, just allowing me to have my moment. Thank you for not telling me to be a crybaby. Thank you for LOVE & HOPE & SECURITY. I`m sorry for wetting your sleeves, though. I`m sorry it caused you pain to see my swollen eyes & hear my sobs.

Sayang you aplenty, you beautiful girl. Now, tell me what it`s like to feel like this?

I feel like doing a magic act.

like 6 in the morning

Urgh. That 3-hour phone call with the 2 idiotic girls killed me. I couldn`t understand their jokes AT ALL, & i don`t know why. You know how it is with me & jokes. So yes, I took a much longer time to process them all just now. So yes okaye, I took like forever. Suffice to say I still don`t get them. My fricking chest & cough are keeping me up all night. I`m starting to wheeze, which is not good AT ALL, which means my bronchitis has made its grand entrance once again. FOR SURE. Urgh. I really should start watching what I eat AND drink. I probably need to make my way to the clinic AGAIN later or something. Anyway, yeah, I`m not a supergirl. I`d like to think I am, but it`s evident that I`m not soooo fuck the tears lah. I finally succumbed to them because of. . . . You don`t need to know why. I so need to go back to Zzzz now.

i don`t know

what SLEEP is already. I slept at 2100 till 2230. Woke up every few minutes, I swear & finally at 2225 or something, i was like is it morning already? Mum saw me, I showed my cranky out-of-bed face... yes another bad habit of mine.. anyway...she went like go back to sleep, kak. I was like uh. & okaye so here i am. totally awake. sigh. anyway mental note to self, NO MCDONALDS for a WEEK.

i want a Fairy Godmother

I wish you knew how I carried you with me everywhere I went today.

NJ, sometimes I don`t think you realise how beautiful you are to me. But forgive me, beautiful person, I`ve gotta move you to the back of my mind :(

speak no feeling, no i don`t belive you, you don`t care a bit, no you don`t care a bit

God I can`t stand myself. I can NEVER hate anyone because I`m a sucker who forgives others easily yet I`m forcing myself to hate that one person I`ve always loved. What the hell. FIT YOU ARE SUCH A/AN ^#%$$#^%&^#$%&$%, SERIOUSLY.

Please just fucking forgive me. & for the last time, I wish you could comprehend that MY anger has to go somewhere & despite the words I`ve said & the way I`ve been treating you, I STILL do love you. I dont want to be fucking complete strangers with you. I . DO. NOT. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT. TO. But at the same time, I don`t want you to take away my house of dreams. Fuck i think we are two fucking annoying people who have and love each other but we choose to fucking quarrel our lives away and find hatred. But fuck it all has to end somehow.

Fuck Biz Stats. One day won`t kill, won`t hurt. Secret place calls. i just want to fucking lie down under that damn dirty pavilion this afternoon, play in the sand or something and eat all the ice cream i want. I NEED THIS. & maybe a 5km run in the evening.

PLEASE STOP DRAINING THE LIFE OUT OF ME

Seriously, enough is enough. I don`t fucking understand which part of 'I CAN`T BE BOTHERED' can he NOT get it.

I don`t mean to rub it in Sann`s face, but the way I am now, I`m seriously becoming a Wilson. Sann, you were so damn right. Well, for a start, I HONESTLY don`t give a flying fuck anymore.

for you i bleed myself dry

I meant to blog a happy entry a while ago but well, I guess I`ll save it for some other time because I`m getting a little emo now. The tranquility of the night is getting to me.

Anyway, things haven`t been good for people close to my heart. You know who you are. Here`s a mass hug, sealed with a kiss, from me to everyone. I wish I could steal all of their pain. Oh what I`d give to see them smile again. & for that, I promise to be strong no matter how hard it is. There will always, always be others who have bigger problems & still, they are able to chin up.

It is with all my heart that I send everyone my love, hoping that they`ll always carry my smile with them, for whatever the future may hold. Please just hang in there & never lose your faith :(

bronchitis, my best friend for life

Healthy is OUT. Sick is IN.

Here`s to sleepless nights, laboured breathing(no, not sexy at all) & wheezing.

:(

simpang yesterday, cs today. why do my favourite boys keep bumping into him? why can`t i be the one instead?

fit, i saw nazir today.
fit, i saw nazir again today.

now fit says her head is hurting.



[edit/] i cant believe i have to deal with sandra lim, like 6 days a week. She was so happy she saw my breast in school just now. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

SAVING SANDRA says (12:21 AM):
u are very thoughtful
i love you so.
you are my big dreams.
- spunk says (12:21 AM):
why thank you -does a curtsy
SAVING SANDRA says (12:21 AM):
HAHAHAHA
shut up la
i saw ur breast ok
- spunk says (12:21 AM):
sann i make u smile
SAVING SANDRA says (12:21 AM):
YOU THINK!
- spunk says (12:21 AM):
U ALSO HAVE NEH NEH WAD

SAVING SANDRA says (12:21 AM):
HAHAHAAHA
- spunk says (12:21 AM):
big deal ahhhhhhhh
SAVING SANDRA says (12:21 AM):
but i saw urs naked
as in skin
SAVING SANDRA says (12:22 AM):
nippies
YOU KNOW
- spunk says (12:22 AM):
yay!
SAVING SANDRA says (12:22 AM):
yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
- spunk says (12:22 AM):
yay we saw nippies
yay yay yay
SAVING SANDRA says (12:22 AM):
10000000000000000000 points for me
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
FUCK OFF LA
HAHAHAHAHAHA

Sann, I just have to tell the whole world about our retarded convo. But i still love you. I shall be your Miss Lover Lover k? Then we can tease the 'transvestite' in the NUM gay jerseys everyday :D

what could`ve been

I woke up at 0331 to shower. Yes, shower. I know most of you were probably in bed because the rain made it so darn orgasmic to sleep & tuck urself under the sheets. I was asleep but not really. Get what I mean? So I stepped out of the shower & decided to do it, trying to sound as happy & lighthearted as possible & then I sent it. It took every ounce of willpower in me not to cry though I so badly wanted to & every ounce of courage to send it & hope for nothing in return. IF ONLY you knew.

I remember how it happened. How I sat on the table & how the moon was as huge as the Sun. The feeling was so surreal, I`d never trade anything else in the world for it. & the words I whispered after it all, 'I think I love you.' Truth was, I never thought about it because I always knew I did.

Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always. A promise. Like a reward for persisting through life so long alone. The belief in each other and the possibility of love. A decision, to ignore or simply rise above the pain of the past.

The covenant, which at once binds two souls and yet severs prior ties. The celebration, of the chance taken, and the challenge that lies ahead. For two will always be stronger than one. Like a team, braced against the tempest of the world. And love… will always be the guiding force in our lives. For tonight is mere formality… only an announcement to the world for feelings long held. Promises made - in the sacred space of our hearts.:D

more than you could ever know.

- http://www.bedbugs-bite.blogspot.com/
05 May 2007

Just so you know, I still do. But let`s just face facts, shall we? Truth prevails. I can`t go on living every day in the past. Tomorrow I`ll get over you if I just get through tonight. Moving on does not mean you cease loving someone. I just wanna learn to deal with the pain of not having you anymore.

Fuck la ok. The feelings are still solid but I`m not gonna let it get to me anymore.

my heart is the worst kind of weapon

I DO NOT KNOW.

First it was the dream about the engagement weeks ago. Then last night, about a wedding. I think God is testing me. I tell myself they are nothing but meaningless dreams.

How did I go from turning the corner of possibility to being nothing at all? Time makes feelings fade. Here`s to freedom, tearless nights & not giving a flying fuck about anything anymore. But I don`t know when the bullshit REALLY ends and the truth begins. Whatever.

"This is my 'depressed stance'; when you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this." -Charlie Brown

the only resolution & joy

I don`t want to make a wake out of my life. & I`m not carrying this emotional baggage with me anymore. I don`t owe anyone my own heart because it is rightfully MINE & always will be. It took my heart this long to face the truth, that we are only hurting ourselves mending what`s been broken months ago. It`s like trying to piece shattered pieces of glass.

Save your love for someone you can trust & communicate. This person here doesn`t deserve your unconditional love & you know that damn well. Whatever. I`m tired of making love to our memory. We don`t need to fucking hurt or kill each other anymore.

So now, there`s no grief & despair, just turn the fucking page & forget. This madness is fucking over, it can touch me not.

because i am bored

The Bottom Line
Toss out something today -- a relationship, grudge or assumption. You'll feel good.

In Detail
Every time you get rid of an old idea, assumption or unwanted item, you make room for a new influx of energy and growth. Today, you could use a big dose of freshness, so see what you can do to empty a few closets (emotional and bedroom alike). Whether you toss out a relationship, a grudge or an old sweater, you'll immediately feel a sense of freedom and relief. You've been released from hanging onto what you thought you needed. The truth is you already have everything you need.

Now, who wants to hit the gym with me tomorrow morning?

& we sang, 'here we go again'

I just wanna learn to let go a little for now & loosen the grip & hope everything will fall into place. I want this to work out & sometimes you have to make sacrifices & changes before the truth comes to light. The real truth. Our future together looks bleak NOW but for as long as we are working towards the same goal, I`m not afraid & I still dare to hope.

It`s about time. And it doesn`t mean I don`t care. NJ, you know you are STILL my favorite boy. Always. & for you I bleed myself dry.

I THINK UR FUCKING ANNOYING

AND U DISGUST ME A GREAT DEAL. How shallow of you to think the definition of beauty lies in YOUR padded 5cm thick push up bras, thick makeup, plucked eyebrows & colored lenses. & all your stupid friends go, "u so pretty laa....". WELL if that`s what they call beautiful, then I must be Miss Universe. I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in the www. YOU ARE SO FUCKING UNNECESSARY. & for fuck's sake, HOW OLD DO U THINK U ARE? 17? 18? 19? FUCK NO. DON`T GET STARTED ON FORMALITY BECAUSE YOU DESERVE LITTLE RESPECT FROM ME. But I also understand that you are handicapped by a natural immaturity, and for that, I forgive you.

i want sunshine

I just hope today wont be crappy. Enough said. & I hate the way I miss you now.

Mag, Adila, Farah

& it is with all my heart that I send you 3 my love (: We SOOOO need new pictures.

feline

I got a little teary when my mummy told me Chot died two nights ago in an accident. I mean, okaye I`ve only met that cat ONCE but I really had a great time playing with it over at my aunt`s place in JB & was looking forward to see it again. I was saddened by the news, of course. Now I`m just wondering where in the world Serendipity is. I haven`t been feeding the strays because school is just killing me. & I wish I wish I wish I wish my parents would allow a cat in the house. But that wouldn`t happen in 3253259735 years :( Maybe I should just go over to Nazir`s and play. With his cats, I mean.

This thought is probably silly but ever since I got over my fear of cats & started caring for the strays, I feel like I`ve become a slightly more affectionate & loving person. Now I`m itching to go downstairs & look for that little black cat before I leave for school.

http://donia.deviantart.com/art/Cuddly-Kitten-24122134



No seriously, where IS Serendipity? :(