of locked lips & entwined bodies

It`s insane how we could do all of that and then just lie down for a while, opened up our hearts while staring deep into each other`s eyes & wipe those tears away. Sigh. Nazir nazir nazir (: I never ever want him to think he`s anything less than amazing.

Anyway, I`m very elated today coz I got to see my very nice future mother-in-law again (: & I saw my future sister-in-law as well. HAHA. & even the lady who goes over his place to do ironing waved at me when she saw me under the block for the 2nd time. (: HAHA. okaaaaaye.

all by myself

This time, it was 0315. 4th night. Same kind of dream yet AGAIN. I woke up shivering instead of crying. The aircond wasn`t switched on, the fan was already at its lowest. My hands were wobbly. & then, i burst into tears. Sat on my bed for a good 20 minutes, hugging myself, trying to control my tears, consoling myself, assuring myself that it would all be okaye. Rang nazir up, no answer. So i decided to perform Tahajjud prayers. It`s been a while. & I brokedown again in one of my sujud. I think everything that`s going on in my life is taking a toll on me. & even if nobody is gonna be there for me to allay my fears, if everybody walks out on me & leaves me, He is always there.

Everything`s been so darn hard. Just so hard. I feel so very alone, it`s like I try to reach out to people who care about me, but it seems like the closer i get, the faster i drift away from them. It`s like reaching for someone`s hand when ur dangling by a cliff.

Tell myself not to allow these morbid dreams to affect me. But really, if you have been experiencing them each night for 4 consecutive nights, it begins to affect you. & you can`t tell yourself 'it`s just a dream' anymore. It just won`t work. & it sucks to know you can`t quite decipher the meanings.

So I close my eyes & make believe i was somewhere out there with him, the times we laughed so hard till my tummy hurt. Somehow, I can`t. The image on my mind seems too blurred & then it faded away. I was alone all over again.

leave me be, everyone. I will be blogging somewhere else for the time being.

please hold on

Rain, rain go away. I hate it when it rains & i`m wearing my slippers. Okaye, i`m ALWAYS in slippers, but it gets pretty risky coz there`s like very very very little friction. So far, I`ve not slipped & no, i`m not asking for it.

Anyway, EfB was boooooring today. As always. But lotsa laughs & many were playful. I, on the other hand, was smitten by Amal. She`s like soooo WOW, so darn fly. Her body`s a temple & her voice, oh-so-seductive please. Anyway, Raqie played a prank on Kelvin/Calvin by 'hiding' the latter`s handphone in the hood of my sweater. Calvin panicked so he used Hong Liang`s mobile to call. & dammit, the darn hp VIBRATED insanely IN my hood, against my back. Freaking ticklish, I couldn`t stop giggling. HAHAHAHA. I went to the washroom & bumped into Kristel. The cleaner got a shock of her life coz she thought Kristel was a guy. The expression on her face was PRICELESS. Wanted to return to the LT, but we bumped into Arline, so the 3 of us sat outside for a lil while & 'shared' class politics. Went back in & Ms Lye was showing some silly slides. If you are in dire need of a good laugh, http://www.engrish.com/. Downright insane, I tell you.

After school, headed down to Novena for lunch & then got Nazir`s as he was working. It was drizzling, & I was trying to control my cramps, which obviously were beyond control duh. I would have sat by the road side, trying to bear the pain which kept making me tear. But the fact that I was going to see him kept me going. When it comes to him, everything else is secondary. & that makes me come to another point. I don`t know how to tell him, how bad I feel, how sorry I am, that I am never there for him each time he has a performance. As I blog this, I just feel so darn lousy. Like what kind of gf am I? That I`m NEVER present each time, despite knowing how much Parkour means to him. That`s like his life, his interest. I so badly wanna be there, yet I can`t. & that feeling is eating me up. Each time I think about it, I get upset. I know he always says it`s okaye though he wished I could be there, but deep down, I know he wants me there. & I want too. But I can`t :(

Today is a horrible day :( & I fear sleeping. I really really do. I dread waking up from the same kinda dream, sobbing, in the middle of the night. It`s been 3 consecutive nights. God, what`s wrong? =(

penchant

I`ve been hooked to Malay songs lately. Here`s one. & by that, I DON`T MEAN DISTURBING DANGDUT SONGS BY INUL, okaye Hafiz? That`s just very torturous. Really. HAHAHAHAHAHA. ku tak mau cintaku dikocok kocok. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I think Malay is a beautiful language. I pretty much figured that out when I discovered my flair for writing in Malay back then in sec sch. My compositions were always published, making me the Malay teacher`s pet, of course. Not to forget, being a walking dictionary. After dropping HMT, I lost touch with that side of me & since then, my Malay has been pretty horrendous. Simply put, i`ve always been the 'just ask me to write in Malay, I can write beautifully but don`t ask me to speak proper Malay' kinda person. So anyway, I went to the library just now & borrowed a book on puisi, sajak & whatnots. Think old-school Malay. & another by Masuri S.N. Don`t ask me what`s got into me.

Sebuah sore di kota kelabu

Mataku separuh sayu

Aku terkenang empat puluh tahun dulu

Dua kali perang berlaku.

Aku membayang masa mukaku

Bakal menyimbul jantung puisiku;

Datang seorang pelagu berdendang

Tentang panas dan bahang.

Sore itu serupa sore yang lain

Datang seorang pelagu berdendang

Mereka pun bertanya

Mengapa kau berdendang

Dia menjawab

Aku berdendang Kerana aku diundang.

Mereka merobek seluruh dadanya

Hanya menemui jantungnya;

Mereka menyelokar seluruh jantungnya

Hanya menemui kemanusiaannya;

Mereka membelah suaranya

Hanya menemui kepiluannya;

Mereka membedah kepiluannya

Hanya menemui penjaranya;

Mereka menembusi penjaranya

Hanya menemui mereka terbelenggu.

Masuri S.N.

so glad for the madness

Someday when we`ve been together for a very long time, we'll turn out the lights and sit around in the balcony. You`ll finish my sentences and I`ll borrow your glasses, we`ll wonder where the time went. And at night we`ll roll to the middle of our old bed into each other`s arms where we`ll kiss and hold each other and dream the secrets that only old lovers know.

Last week was momentous. We shared deep conversations which gratifed our hearts, all that needed to be said were said, and all that needed to be answered were answered. & not to forget, those dirty little secrets from the past. From his ex gfs to me confessing that i three-timed my boyfriendSSSSSSS. Basically, everything. We had a good laugh but somehow, it feels good to know that we are comfortable letting each other in to another side of our hearts. Most importantly, we both know that we`ve found ourselves again. Truly, it feels like the first time :D Thank You, God.

potterhead

I`m taking a break from studying right now so I`m playing some online Harry Potter game. Yes, I can hear Nazir complaining already. HAHAHAHA.

OH. & i was on http://www.mugglenet.com/ just now, just browsing around & look what I found. . .

Yup, the HP Adult costume & it costs US$42. Can I have this for my birthday pleeeeeeeeease? So if anyone wants to get this for me, you can go to www.wbshop.com okaye? HAHAHA.

& this is just so adorable! Hedwig Kids Costume :D

i`m with you. always.

Less than a week ago when we both had that aching longing coz we missed each other too much, he told me that things are bound to happen again but no matter what, our love will overcome it all.

Only God knows how badly I want to hold him in my arms, look into his eyes & apologise. He doesn`t have to hold me or say anything. I just need him to know that I really don`t wanna leave. We were supposed to last a lifetime. So loml togicel, come home soon. I miss you already.

come to me now

I`ve never heard him so weary, so vulnerable, so weak. With my mobile in one hand, I closed my eyes & wished that I could be by his side, to wipe those tears from his face & assure him that tomorrow will be better for us, come what may. I just need to embrace him now & hold him so tight. When he cries, I know I`ve been such a disappointment & letdown. & that really hit me hard. He`s been right all along. He always has. I have a huge problem with myself.

...

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think
I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do
I'll wait for you

DEAR GOD,

PLEASE.LET.IT.NOT.BE.CHICKEN.POX!!!!!

I met Syed`s 4-yr-old cousin, Aiman, & he didn`t go to school yest because in his sister`s words, 'BADAN DIA GATAL-GATAL'.

SOMEONE PLS TELL ME IT`S JUST A DARN CHEEKY MOSQUITO WHO GAVE ME 6 LOVE BITES ON MY BACK AND 2 ON MY ARMS. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. NOW MY NECK IS ITCHYYYYY TOOOOOO.

URGH. I CAN`T STOP SCRATCHING MYSELF!!!!! I don`t want to be foxy poxy. Whatever that means. argggghhhhh.

walk through my door

The words stared at me. Tears stung my eyes & I allowed my shoulders to slump & my head bent so low. & then I allowed those stinging tears to flow down my cheeks. Most of all, I didn`t know why it hurt.

closer

Only 24 hours since the last time I saw that smile, stared into those eyes & kissed those lips. Only 24 hours since the last time he touched every inch of me, breathing me into his soul, making every fibre of my being tingle. Yet, there`s this intense feeling in me. I don`t know how I can miss him so badly. Yesterday was beyond insane. I drowned in his soul. It was as if nothing else matters anymore. It was me letting it all out for what`s been inside me, as if making up for for all that we`ve lost & found again. Rollercoaster of emotions, I should say. I cried in the lift after we parted. Not because I was upset, but because I was overwhelmed by my own feelings. That very moment, it struck me real hard how much he really means to me. I am so very grateful for everything.

My heart can sing and cry at the same time when you're away, there's this painful longing washing over my soul that can't be defined in words.
Nazir, 24 June 2007

That`s exactly how I`m feeling now. That aching sensation lingering in my heart.

I`m having a mental block now. Will edit this later.

shmp,

le sigh. i can`t read minds okaye :(

passion & obsession

I can`t wait for my body to get all tingly when we meet tomorrow :D I can`t wait to drown in his kisses.

I think that when you fall in love with someone, every single day you spend with them you fall in love with them even more. It`s like you find something else to love about them everyday. The way they laugh, the way they sneeze, even the way they blink. I think that`s how relationships last. When things are exciting, everyday you spend with that person is like an adventure into their soul.

"They give their hearts to each other, unconditionally. And that's what true love really is. It's not this fairy-tale life that never knows pain. But it's two souls facing it together, and diminishing it, with unconditional love."

- One Tree Hill

i don`t quite get it

Sooner or later, my mum will start ironing our undies. SOONER OR LATER, i say. She`s becoming an 'ironing freak'. Really. Ironing EVERYTHING =/ Including my 'at home' T shirts.

& people at home, including my daddy AND my pri 5 brother (!!!!), are hooked on Hikmah 3. Yes, we went JB yest & the darn thing cost us 30 or 50 bucks or something & there are 6 CDs. So yes, the DVD player`s at work. Someone, help. h e l p .... AND THEY HAVE BEEN WATCHING IT SINCE 2PM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH NOW I GET IT. She`s just trying to multi task. 6 CDs will probably take 18 hours or something?! This is getting insane. HAHAHAHA.

of Xs & Ys

If you could see me, that`s probably how I look like right now. That same facial expression.

I`ve been cooped up in my room, isolated from everyone in the house for the past 3.5 hours. & why`s that so? Coz I`m completing my Biz Maths assignment which is driving me up the wall. YES, Maths alone for the past 3.5 hours. Boohoohoo. It`s due on Thur & i have 2 more questions left. & tonight, i`ll have to start with my MPO report which is due in 2 weeks. It`s a bloody Sundaaaaaaaaaaay laaaaa. Sigh. Okaye I shan`t even start complaining about having 6 days of school each week :( I`m hanging in there. This will be over soon. I. LOVE. SCHOOL. & I`M not lying.

I`ve drunk 4 cups of Milo . I neeeed my fix of gummybears & chocolates nowwwwww :(

stressed lass

it`s Sunday wow. My bf`s out having Parkour training & i`m stuck at home with my assignments, yelling to be completed. & i`m sleepy eepy eepy eepy py py py. coz we both slept at almost 0500. The last hour of the convo never fails to drive us manic. ha ha ha. always. i miss my dick. HAHAHA.

iiiiii can give youuuu gatsbyyyyy

We finally met today & it sure felt like the first time. He had a haircut & was orgasmically good looking. HAHA :D

We met at Marina Square. & then decided to have lunch first. So while eating he asked who I wanted to watch Harry Potter with since he DOESN`T WANT to. So i just shrugged & told him i`ll probably watch it alone. & he still could laugh la! So annoying. He knows I`m such a HUGE Potter fan yet he doesn`t want to accompany me to watch it.

Well yesterday, I casually mentioned I wanted the 2GB Creative Zen Stone Plus for my bday becoz i`m so in love with the LIME GREEN one & i`m sick of my Ipod already. So we passed by the Creative store twice but obviously I didn`t say anything. But I was stealing glances at the darn mp3 u know! HAHA. I pretended not to hear anything when he talked about MP3s & whatnots. The 3rd time we passed by the store, he 'asked' what`s the diff between Zen Stone & Zen Stone Plus. So i explained & we walked off. about 10m away from the store, he suddenly took out a box & jeng jeng jeng, it was de player la! HAHAHAHAHA. Imagine my excitement. HAHA. So I smothered him with a few wet kisses. HAHA. So much for his 'I will be late becoz I am meeting my friend at Bugis to pass him soccer boots'. HAHAHAHA. So that was surprise #1.

After that we just walked around aimlessly, or so I thought. HAHA. We went to the upper level & I thought he wanted to get something or just walk around. We ended up outside the cinema & that`s when he took a piece of paper from his wallet. I was still clueless. HAHA. & when he passed it to me, I realised he had purchased 2 tickets to Harry Potter from the AXS machine. HAHAHAHAHA. i SOOOO badly wanted to scream please. surprise #2.

Well, after all that, we also visited his secret place & I was in awe. It`s so much more beautiful than mine. We`ll definitely visit it some time soon. I can`t wait (: & next on the list, my very own green helmet. HAHAHAHAHA :D & i can hardly wait for our escapade in 15 months ;)

Though he had to rush off to work, I feel like today was worth it. & it`s not only becoz of the surprises, it`s so much more. It felt good to have him back in my arms. & the feeling of losing myself in his arms, yet at the same time realising that he truly is irreplaceable, nothing compares to the intensity of that feeling. & i truly appreciate that he sacrificed his sleep just to meet me (: I`ve fallen in love all over again (:

ha ha ha

My bf is %^&#$& insane becoz he wants a darn ARAI FULL FACED HELMET which costs 700 bucks, for his birthday. WHAT KIND OF HELMET IS THAT SAK?! I just viewed it online & i can`t believe it`s 700 bucks. kiwaaaaaaak. I`d probably use it to whack his head 700 times.

nazir will get me a nintendo wii (haha) for my bday, so

CAN I ALSO HAVE A HAMSTER AND RABBIT FOR MY BIRTHDAY, PLEASE?

one step at a time

After all the stops and starts, we keep coming back to these two hearts. Two angels rescued from the fall & after all that we`ve been through, it all comes down to me and you. I guess it`s meant to be, with God`s guidance, we`ll make it through eventually. If it`s real, then it will always be there. You can pretend it`s gone & even move on. But that love, it`s still there in the depths of your mind. Sometimes a single object or a song triggers it all and you`re right back where you started, in the very arms of the one you lost.

I know this sounds crazy, but I`ll probably just end up being a 40yr old virgin if he doesn`t return. I`ve known it since the moment he kissed me & maybe even before that. & as scary as it is, I don`t wanna deny it anymore. I don`t want to run from him or let him run from me.







I`m eternally grateful that we found our way home, back to each other's hearts.

random

I think my heart rolled on the floor when I saw his number on the Caller ID. Bloody bugger. He hung up after one ring. & it probably took me 2 minutes to say something when I returned the call. HAHAHA. The last thing I expected was of course, having him call me at home. I probably went to bed smiling although we didn`t say anything much. Just a lot of 'Yes', 'just asking', 'mmmm' , 'yeah?' etc. HAHAHA. Eeeks feels like i`m in sec sch all over again. HAHA.

ANYWAY. what in the world is happening to my tagboard? -.-" I don`t even know who`s who anymore. & to anonymous, we are not living in denial (: 8 years what, you may ask. Ah, 8 years of leaving things in the hands of God I should say. We can only plan. But He determines every single thing (:

Moving on, ZUL this one`s for you. KNNBCCB. Ur tag sure caught my eye. But maybe you`d like to look at the mirror first. or at least, go break up with her first. Seriously, you ARE the biggest loser in my very eyes.

OHHHHHHHHH! & I can`t wait for the 21st! :D I`ll be taking part in a competition along w 3 other friends. HAHA. More details in entries to come (:

[/edit] OHMY. i JUST checked my mails. TV, i got it. & if u need me to reply, tag okaye! & i found out who u were through Friendster. & if you must know, ur gf was a good friend of mine back in pri sch! (: & don`t worry, ur not the Z i blogged about in the 3rd para of this entry. Just in case :D

[/edit part 2]



1030 & raindrops are falling. Such a nice weather. & i`m very in love w this song.

mmm

WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with the guys on Friendster?! REALLY. I`ve been getting persistent msgs from the same morons. FUCKING ANNOYING.

On another note, 8 years. I`ll probably die missing him for 8 years. But it`s alright. I`ve thought for a long time that we were going to end up together, so I don`t really care so much about the when of it. Now, though, the long road is starting to seem like the infinite road. We`ll see. I leave it all to God. So Nazir says, 8 years. Fit says, dengar-dengar I`ll be watching HARRY POTTER alone. Nvm la. I`ll wait for 8 years to watch it. Haha. I am so thankful.

can i kiss & irritate you like i used to?

Ohmy. I`m so so so so so so so tempted to give him a call right now. Just to hear his voice. Or maybe ask him out for lunch or something tomorrow. But. There`s ALWAYS a but :( I`m so scared. & what exactly am I scared of? Like what if he doesn`t want to, what if he hangs up on me, what if he has other plans, what if he wants to sleep in the entire day? OH. I don`t know. How can I miss someone this much? It`s beyond insane. Nazir :(

we only said goodbye with words

Well, so the Malay ballad crooner thinks that`s his way of saying HELLO to the girl who has been sitting in front of him for the past week. So he thinks by fanning my hair using the darn book & INTENTIONALLY allowing his pencil case, water bottle, calculator, U NAME IT to fall on me, he thinks he`ll get lucky. I say, FUCK OFF. i`m not in the mood for stupid things like this. Eeeks. On another note, I think I`m getting very vulgar. That`s based on MY standard.

Friendster is getting stupid. Well, my account to be more precise. I notice a number of guys who have been viewing me since forever but don`t add me up. Maybe coz I used to put up You-Know-Who`s pic as well. So now they see 'single', they don`t see his pic anymore, so they start their nonsense. I mean wth, I can`t be bothered with 'Hello, care to intro?' yada yada yada. They can try that on other girls but tough luck they`ll get a reply from me. & worst of all is, "Are you from track? I used to see you train at the track." I mean, like okaye DUH, i`m from track, that`s like soooo self-explanatory, you nicompoops, coz my pics state so & OBVIOUSLY track trainings are at the track. Can`t be at the LT, can they? What a fucking bunch of losers guys are these days. They probably should learn something from You-Know-Who. But then again, first of all, they have to be as good looking as him first. Kuang3.

Actually, I wanted to post an entry to reply the tags. But i SOMEHOW can`t be bothered to spend my time doing that. Especially the tag by Anonymous. Fuck, i`m telling you, if He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named ever saw that, he`d do a 'ke belakang pusing' thingy. Har har. & why oh why do i have this uncanny feeling, like I know you as well? i`m not jumping to conclusion,but if i`m right about who you are, You-Know-Who isn`t gonna be too happy. & do me a favour please everyone, start tagging with names please. & to everyone else, thank you for your kind words.

& truth be told, chances are, I MIGHT BE MOVING TO MY GRANDPARENTS' HOUSE IN JURONG. 85% likelihood. So much nearer to school & there`s a direct bus. So goodbye, East. Har Har.

i`m damn random today & i need teh peng now. The thing is, I don`t even know if I have to use condensed milk or u know, the normal milk, like HL milk or something. WAIT, i don`t even know where the teabags are also. HAHAHAHA. Nvm. Maybe I should just go down to the coffeeshop. & i`m getting sleepy. THERE`S NO SCHOOL TOMORROW WHEEEEEEE. YAY YAY.

anyway, i think i sound hyper in this entry. Maybe, just maybe, coz it`s gonna be the 12th. everyone, say HELLO to the OTHER love of my life. I know he needs no introduction, but everyone, this, as we all know is Daniel Radcliffe.


I`ll see you on the 12th, dannypoo. Kuang3. But then again, I wish I could catch it with You-Know-Who. I can see myself dragging him to watch it with me & i`ll likely draw a scar on his forehead as well. HAHA, i SO can picture the facial expression of You-Know-Who if I were to tell him I wanted to draw. sigh. I miss that idiot. BIG TIME.

This face in my dreams seizes my guts

He floods me with dread

Soaked in soul

He swims in my eyes by the bed

Pour myself over him

Moon spilling in

And I wake up alone

as i die a little more with each passing day

Last night wasn`t supposed to happen. I should have gone straight to bed & not write that email. I thought I sensed some glimmer of hope in that entry which he wrote.

In all honesty, I have lost myself. I went to bed sobbing insanely. & woke up with swollen eyes. The bus ride was torturous. I sat at the back, plugged my Ipod & tried to sleep, but to no avail. I found tears rolling from my shut eyes. The moment I met my friends at the school bus stop, Huiting only looked at me with knowing eyes & kept quiet.

Today just feels so different. & it`s because I`ve finally known the truth, straight from him last night & it killed me. It shattered my every hope. The hopes I`ve had in me since I lost him. For the past week, I`ve not let it affected me in school but I found myself staring into space during Biz Maths lecture just now. Yes, for 3 hours, u can say NOTHING went into my head & the topic was on Functions. & Functions isn`t exactly a strong topic of mine. Dr Tan knows I always pay attention during his lessons becoz I can answer him almost all the time but just now, he didn`t say anything but he did ask if I was ok.

Move on. HOW EXACTLY DOES HE EXPECT ME TO DO THAT? i`ve made my stand. I`ve made it clear so many times. I`ve come to terms that we can`t be. But it`s entirely my right if I want to stay & wait for him till i`m old & grey or something. But I do feel upset. I hate to think that we could have sat & talked things out nicely for one last time, even if it means letting go entirely or maybe emerging stronger than ever. Becoz right now, i know there are so many things left unsaid. Things we both need to know. He`s gonna be the same, saying there`s no point & all that, but I know he has his reasons & i should just respect that, even if it`s come to a point where i`m dying now.

He can move on if he wants. He`s probably doing that. But I don`t feel bitter. Because we are humans and we don`t have all power & control over certain things & that`s the truth. I keep telling myself this - he`s probably not coming back to me anytime soon. not in the next few weeks, months or years. he`s gonna get married to another girl & they are gonna have many children. but one day, something happens & he probably loses his wife or something & with a twist of fate, our paths cross again & you know the rest. I know I talk crap most of the time,but really, ANYTHING can happen. I don`t know. You don`t either. So it`s best we just allow things to fall into place on their own. He can force me to move on, do things which make me hate him, but at the end of the day, yes it`s true, if it`s meant to be, it will. We can push each other away now & allow hatred to creep into our hearts but we never know what will happen.

That`s probably why I`m still building my hopes, still holding on, though my sanity`s hanging by a thread now. We`re talking about the man I`ve fallen in love with here, the one I`ve dreamt of marrying & having his children, i don`t care if they turn out to be 'disastrous' & annoying as he is. They can wear their underwear on their heads & run around the house & create so much noise. I don`t care. I just want to live my life with him & know that i`m having his children, the very products of our love.

You can say it`s all wishful thinking on my part but at this point of time, I`m feeling so darn depressed it`s probably thoughts like that which cheer me up. I can cry an ocean, bawl till I go blind. But i`m still waiting. No matter how long. & i`m telling you, he`s as depressed as I am & it`s just that he has his own way of dealing with all these.

I`ve never understood the reasoning for someone to 'move on' from a relationship. It`s not like you are really going to 'move on,' you are just trying to tell your heart to stop thinking about that person every second of every minute of everyday until it finally becomes a routine and you don`t notice it anymore. That is, until you see that person again, with someone who isn`t you, and then you have to remind yourself again.

It feels like with each passing day, I die a little more. This morning after shower, I actually cried because I couldn`t stand seeing my own reflection. It hurts to look at myself in the mirror & having to remind myself that those are the very eyes he used to stare into, the very cheeks he used to always kiss on & the very lips which kissed his soul.

At the rate i`m going, i won`t be surprised if i sink into depression sooner than i think. A little insane, I`ve become. I can sit at the bus stop, waiting for a bus, & when i 'hear' a phantom, i just have to close my eyes & i know the sound from the engine`s the same. & so far, i`ve never been wrong. I don`t care about myself anymore. I just need to know he`s healing just fine. & I just wished I could be there.

I wish I could say no regrets

And no emotional debts

And as we kiss good bye, the sun sets

So we are history

The shadow covers me

The sky above a blaze that only lovers see

I know it`s been 3 years but I really do feel like lighting up RIGHT NOW. These days, I get tempted to pick it up again. That stupid 'i`m stressed' reason but heck. God, please help meeeeeeee. Maybe I should just go sleep. URGH. I miss him so much laaaaa :(

& thank you riotgrrlz for this song. I hope ur ma`s better.

:(

Fit, please don`t cry. You haven`t cried in days, so don`t start okaye. He`s made himself clear.

earplugs

OHMY. Are u people watching Live Earth on TV? Someone who`s maybe 2-3 floors below me probably just bought a new HD TV or something & is testing the volume or something . I know it`s not about sound but fuck man, it`s almost 1am & Sarah Brightman( !!!!!) is on & this fricking neighbour is blasting the darn TV. like helllllllllllllllllllo.

To the girl who will replace me EVENTUALLY,

There are just a couple of things that I thought I should tell you. I learned these while I was the object of his affection. First of all, don`t be frightened if he smothers much more love on you than you had expected. Don`t be surprised if he treats you much better than any other guy you have ever met. And let it not scare you that he will actually listen carefully to every word you say, even when you're just speaking quietly. Also, you should know that he remembers everything you will say. He`s hurt easily, especially by the painful words a careless girl will say. If you do hurt him, then you'll have to pay the price of seeing the broken look in his passionate and deep brown eyes, and watch the light in them fade.

But if this happens, all is not lost. A kiss and an 'I love you' can heal anything. But that will only work for a few times. & please, don`t say 'I love you' to him, unless you really mean it, nothing hurts him more then someone who really doesn`t care. Sometimes, he won`t tell you what he is feeling, but just know that he is protecting you and if you ever feel that something isn`t right, just look into his beautiful brown eyes and you will be able to see into him. You can see everything he is feeling, everything he is thinking, everything that isn`t right with him. He won`t ever try to hurt you, because he just isn`t that way, so please don`t hurt him because if you do, I don`t think I could ever forgive you.

I don`t think there could ever be a worse feeling in the world than knowing that you have the boy that I love and knowing that you hurt him. You should know that if you two ever get into a fight, just make sure you pick only the ones worth fighting for. He will always keep his temper and will never curse at you or call you names, despite the anger he may be feeling. Though he may act mature, most of the time, once he`s given you his heart, he will begin to open up to you and his silliness will make your heart smile, in a way that words can not explain. Don`t hold a tight grip on him, let him go and be part of the world and experience new things. You will find that he is a busy guy and that he is so very independent. Sometimes, he will need his space, but don`t worry, he'll always make time for you and even when you`re not around, you`ll be in his thoughts.

You will find that he isn`t like any other guy that you have met, so please don`t take him for granted. He is less tough than he may appear, you just have to take the time and let him bring down his guard. He is so sweet and so amazing and know that if you ever leave him, you will break his heart apart, the same way that my heart breaks apart, as I sit here writing this to you. Don`t ever try to pull him away from his dreams. He is going to be an extremely successful policeman & Parkour is part of him. He won`t ever let you give up on your dreams either. He will encourage you to become everything you can be and will never, ever let you down. How he does it, you have to experience it for yourself.

He likes it when you kiss his ear and nothing is better than hugging each other. Just watch how your hand will fit perfectly into his and when it does, it seems as if nothing in the world could hurt you, because he is there. And when he puts his arms around you and tells you that you are the girl he loves, you will know, there isn`t any one else in the world better than him, who will love you unconditionally. Don`t ever let him go. You will regret doing so, for the rest of time. I promise, you will.

If you noticed, I did not mention the things we both did because I respect you as his present, maybe his future. I will always be a shadow from the past. Just know that he will always be in my heart, the memories I`ve shared with him, etched in me til my very last breath. But you are the one who has him. Learn to treasure. Nazir is truly a gem.

Love,
Fit

better tomorrow

Day 2. Mmm, feeling so much better today, maybe coz it`s a Saturday. Anyway, I had school today. Yes, in case you`ve forgotten, I have school on Sats. Woke up slightly later today. The moment I stepped out of shower, it rained cats & dogs. & i was groaning already. I hate travelling on rainy days :(

Anyway, the first thing that hit me was, 'What shift is Nazir on today?' HAHA. God knows why I asked myself that. Maybe coz I`m always troubled each time he has to be on the road on rainy days. Then i grabbed my green notebook where i scribble his shift in so i don`t forget & found out he isn`t working. Somehow, I felt better knowing that.

It was drizzling when I walked to the bus stop so i had the sweater hood up & happily stepped on puddles. At that very moment, I felt like he was walking beside me, annoyed that i was jumping over the puddles, with his usual, "why are you so adorable? Eee geram. " & I pictured myself being piggybacked by him. I know that we would have done all that had he been with me. At that point, I felt tears sting my eyes. & I missed him even more :(

The only moment I was WIDE AWAKE in class was when Lye made Kai Qian, Zack & Leon write some topic sentence thingy with the controlling idea thingy we`ve learnt on the board. & all of us almost rolled on the floor.

Word: Career

Leon`s sentence: I want to have an indepent job in the future.

HAHAHAHA. Indepent? & even if he meant 'independent', what in the world is 'independent job'? LOL.

Word: Health

Kai Qian`s sentence: Eat a healthy diet keep the health on the grow.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Okaye, need I say more about all that? HAHAHA. Seriously, that was about the ONLY interesting part of the 3-hr lecture. LOL. Half the class wasn`t present anyway.

I`m coping better today. But oh well, we`ll see. I hope he`s enjoying himself with his friends, riding around, training & whatnots. Doesn`t matter what he`s up to, as long as he`s happy. I want him to be happy, all cheerful & smiley. I couldn`t ask for more & he`s always in my prayer.

I haven`t moved on, I haven`t let go & that is why I am clinching onto the one thing I hold dear in my life. It`s when I cry myself to sleep at night and it hits me how much I would give to hold him at that very moment. It`s when I think about him that I realize no one else in the world is meant for me. Have a little patience, Fit.

Maybe I`ll just go watch something funny to take my mind off all these for a while. Happy weekends, everyone.

run fit run

You know what, Fit? Let it slide. & throw the goddamn letters away. The words no longer hold any meaning. They did. But not anymore. Stop being a wreck already.

tobeneedingyousobadly

:(
It`s probably. . . nothing. I`ll manage. I guess :(

The song is darn sappy I know but I can relate to its every word.

In every man`s life, he will meet a woman who will blow his mind in more ways than one. Someone who is everything he`s ever wanted, someone who is unlike any other he has ever met, someone who will love him like he never thought anyone could be loved, someone who is not only his lover, but his best friend as well. Too bad I wasn`t that woman, wasn`t that girl.

I want to run. I want to feel the adrenaline again. Perhaps I should start training again. Sprinting away from all my problems. I miss hearing 'Ke Garisan, Sedia, Go!'. I miss time trials. I miss having aches all over my body & pushing myself till I break, run till I`m so breathless it makes me wanna cry sometimes, even kiss the track i run on, bury my face in it, like it`s sucking the life out of me.

SIGH.

You know what, I don`t know anymore. I guess I just want him to know that i`m not going to hold him to anything we`ve said in the past. I want him to live his life and be happy and enjoy everything that goes along with that.

We had some real good memories with each other. There are things I hold close to my heart, and know I`ll always cherish because they were times spent with him. Maybe it wasn`t all wonderful, but what is? I had tears, yes, but that`s okaye, because I had him. I had laughs. I had love. I had Nazir.

His happiness matters the most to me now & if being happy means being without me, then so be it. Painful, yes. But point is, he will be happy, wouldn`t he? But I have every right to be wanting to stay & wait, even if it means falling back on nothing.

I`ve accepted that we can`t be, but I`ve also accepted that he`s going to be that one person I carry with me for the rest of my life, the one that is always going to make my heart jump a little and my stomach tie up in knots no matter how happy I am or otherwise and no matter how long it`s been.

Despite all the pain, the tears, the hurt I`ve inflicted on him, I just wish he would feel the love I have for him & that I would undo all of that pain if I had another chance. & I pray that God will grant me the strength to overcome all these & lead us to the right way, on the right path. I know for sure that I will only let go when he falls into the hands of someone better.

Yes, as long as he`s happy.

holding back

I need to see that Doctor Tan at CGH again. I just had my period & something`s freaking wrong with it. The flow. Everything. It`s not even time for my monthly checkup yet. URGH. & the cramps are in full force. I was trying so hard not to step in & out of the LT during MPO lecture just now. But I just couldnt help it. I just needed to be away from the cold, the people & just sit & crouch in pain & that was exactly what I did for a good 15 minutes & the moment I got up, I broke into cold sweat & the pain was #$%$^%$**^%^$%#@ unbearable. Walking to the bus stop was one hell of a chore, I tell you. Having had history of fainting due to $#%#$$@$#@$ mensus cramps, I was just thankful i got home safely. & the weather`s scorching but i got goose bumps. wth.


I lost a grandaunt who battled stroke, late last night so my parents are out visiting. My condolonces..condolences...yeah whichever, to Luqman & Hisyam. You guys stay strong.

I didn`t cry last night & i think that`s a good thing. Of course, he was constantly on my mind. & in the bus, I fell asleep from Kaki Bukit to Simei & when I woke up, it felt like he came into my dream for a while. I miss him :( For today, if i`m gonna cry, it`s coz I can`t bear the pain from these cramps. FUCK JULY, really. & i need to sleep now. Stress is just gonna add to these pain. Let me put all my problems on hold first. I NEED TO. or i`ll just drive myself insane.













nomatterwhat,i`llstillwait. becausenobodybutyoucanevertouchmethewayyoudid.

i screwed up

You know it`s gonna hurt the most when you see your first love going about with all his friends and acting like his life hasn`t changed a bit. But deep down you know it has. All the while, you`re sitting in the background with one thought running through your head - I can love him until I break, but never again will I be able to have him. Never again will I be able to hold his hand, or tell him I love him, or kiss him, or even call him and tell him the stupid stuff I did that day. From now on, he is my friend, not my boyfriend. He is no longer the one person in the world who will never judge me. And it`s so hard when you love someone this much, but you just don't know how to love him the right way.

Nurul Fitriyanna, hang in there. This ordeal will be worth it & you know you need time to prove urself. Time, Fit, time. & have a little patience, less drama. Learn to stop entertaining your feelings. Be strong. & yes, as long as he`s happy, & you will deal with the consequences, Fit. You`ve got no one to blame. You`re not going to be bitter but you`ll work things out with yourself & one day, he`ll see it all. Eventually. No matter how much you`ve hurt him. & you`ll undo all that. For now, you know he needs to breathe.


& on another note, the only way to reach me now is through online & the home line. In a nutshell, Mother saw certain things not meant to be read or seen & she freaked out & okaye u know the rest. & honestly, if i was a mum, i`d have reacted the same way. So for the time being, my mobile isn`t with me. but one thing i don`t understand is that she took my sister`s as well. anyway. . . the point is, time. Time to gain trust. Time to do so many things.


I`m braindead now. & school`s at 0930 & i need to sort my thoughts out. Goodnight.

nomatterhowlongittakes, i`llhangontilltheveryend. i`llmissyoubadlytonight.

one, two, three, four, five?

okaye i NEED to laugh out loud. My cousin just commented that me & nazir actually have "nothing better to do" & in her own words, "Damn...You guys got nothing better to do eh. Gosh!" HAHAHAHA. & why`s that so? HAHA. Coz we keep arguing, getting in & out of this relationship.

Okaye, to set things straight, yes we are fine now. & to everyone who texted me after reading, ty very much for your concern :D & i reckon u guys must be getting a tad weary catching up. LOL. I bet no NORMAL people actually go through all these & bicker at least once a week & still be able to love each other so insanely much. We can even argue while holding hands AND still get our points across. HAHA. It just keeps getting better, I tell you. No, not the arguments. You get what I mean.

I`m not trying to say that each time we deem it`s over, we are ALWAYS gonna return to each other. I don`t know what`s gonna happen the next time. You don`t. We don`t. Nobody knows. So despite it all, the learning lesson is that it`s essential not to take each other for granted, sit, breathe & sort things out SLOWLY, & treasure each other. It sounds cliche, yes, but it`s true (: & remembering why i`m in this relationship always works for me. it`s essential to remember your purpose. & when you finally do, everything falls into space, omg, did i just say space? i mean place. HAHA. I`m too lazy to hit 'backspace'. okaye so like i said, everything falls into place. & you`ll be so grateful you remember all the whats, whys, whos. & sincerity does wonders, i tell you. & to hell with angst. HAHA.

& one very important lesson i`ve learnt from us is that it`s about making the times that seem completely imperfect, absolutely amazing. Even when it`s hard to smile, even when it hurts, somehow it all becomes bearable just because you have each other. & i am eternally grateful (:

Love, really does overcome all obstacles, whether big or small. & this relationship is one helluva ride, i tell you. It`s madness. But i`m not complaining :) Like I said before, he`s like no other & I mean it (:


You want my opinion? We`re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness & call it love, true love. HAHAHA :D okaye not really la. but HAHAHAHAHA.

& btw, how many entries have I actually posted for today?! HAHAHA (:

:'(

Oh God. I really can`t take this :'(

I keep reading the posts over & over again. & each time i do, it just stabs my heart all over again. A different kind of pain each time.

"Fit, i love you, so damn much, in so many ways that it'd take the end of time to count it all. There's me and there's you, and there's nothing but time taking us apart."

- 24 June

"We don't need time apart or breaks or anything. We just need each other, and i'm so damn glad that we both know that. "

- 24 June

"There is no shield. I want to give every tiny fibre of my being to you, and you alone. No one can have anything else. Time apart only hastens to strengthen my resolve that we'll be together no matter what."

- 22 June

"This is from the bottom of my heart, the same heart which now beats in tandem with yours, the very heart that you still hold so firmly in your loving care."

- 22 June

FUCK TIME. I didn`t lose him coz of time. No one was supposed to leave. Never ever. My heart is beating alone. No longer 'in tandem' & that kills me alot :(

stilltheone

"leave the relationship" I can`t get those words out of my head. Slapped in my face unexpectedly when before that, my only intention was to give him a call JUST to say I love him so darn much.

& when in bed, what was I thinking about when I sent that msg? "I can`t sleep

:( " You were expecting a reply, weren`t you, Fit? & somehow you know he won`t. & you know he doesn`t need you in his life anymore. You`re not his everything anymore. & you can shed bloody tears but he won`t be moved anymore. He doesn`t love you anymore & that alone sums everything up. Stop being so silly already, stop crying yourself to sleep & accept the fucking bitter truth, Fit. Today, you will learn to go through the day without crying & without having thoughts of him, without reading the blog & letters & without remembering all that`s been planned :( TRY, no matter how painful.

solitude

I miss you already :( 4 days shy :'(