that Bloody Mary`s dripping in Tabasco

The definition of sex? ARCTIC MONKEYS. I`m going insane already, please. They are orgasmic. Their latest album, Favourite Worst Nightmare, is just heavenly.

Okaye I`m off to munch on cookies & plug into the entire album. I`m ready for MULTIPLE OREARGASMS.

This is one of the perfect yet lazy Sundays for me. Armed with a good book & my trusted mp3, I`m feeling happy already, satisfying my doses of Arctic Monkeys, The Good, the Bad & the Queen, Modest Mouse, Bright Eyes, Bloc Party & all the good sounds I appreciate.

This is good. Mmmm. I`m a goofy goober. Gonna be happier when he wakes up later (:

Look! I wanna play Play-Doh. So fun. HAHA. I vaguely recall playing with them, epecially the McDonalds set, when I was a Little Fit & how I loved smelling them, for idk what reason & I always had the urge to chew on them. HAHA.

HAHAHA. AGES 3+. I wasn`t kidding when I said my childish streak has been unleashed lately :DDDDDD

awake & unafraid

I know i won`t sleep tonight. & I promise I won`t complain if my hp vibrates insanely under my head. I can`t quite believe myself these days. I don`t really sulk. But currently, I`m sulking AND pouting. I can`t help it. So dear God, please wake him up from his sleep.

you have a way with me

I was walking home from Eastpoint just now & as usual, I had to pass this 'pond' on my way. It`s not exactly a pond coz there`s no water in it. But it`s large & deep, to get in it, you have to climb down a few steps. There are low trees & large bricks in it. Do u get what I mean anot? Okaye, nvm. Refer to the diagram below. PLEASE PARDON MY DRAWING. I`ve been failing ART since forever. HAHAHA.



Do u get what I mean? Or are you MORE confused? HAHAHA. The tall stuff are supposed to be trees & those squarish thingamajigs are the square bricks & the 'pond' is round & round coz those are the steps! (:

Okaye nvm about that. Point is, that 'pond' gets really flooded when it rains. So just now I was happily walking & munching on sushi when I saw 2 boys who were in it, happily splashing accumulated rain water & MUD at each other. SOMETHING in my head told me to just GET IN & JOIN THEM. HAHAHAHA. but obviously, I didn`t. I almost couldn`t resist the urge, though. HAHA. & besides, I don`t know those 2 boys, they`d prolly freak out or something. HAHA.

Subconciously, I thought about nazir & how i`d love to be in there with him. SO FUN, please. HAHAHA. I don`t care if you people think it`s childish but I know we`ll have the time of our lives. HAHAHA. I don`t know HOW or WHAT happens, but he has this uncanny ability to bring out the child in me. HAHAHA. I`ve been very childish lately. Yesterday was playgrounds & we somehow ALWAYS ended up NEAR playgrounds, & today me & the pond. HAHAHAHAHA. I can spend my life like this. HAHAHA.

It would have been soooo fun to have a mudfight just now. I WANT! (:

you have a way with me

I feel colourful today.

kicap & apples

HAHAHA. typical. standard. classic.

Sometimes I think she brings out the real me best.

Me: Shah, I think I miss him already.

Aish(A) : Eh what did you just say?

Me: I said I miss him.

A: YOU MISS HIM?! For the past 3 years, i can count the number of times you say you miss me ah. One hand enough. & I know alot of people tag your blog to say they miss you. But if you read closely, all these people confirm sad because they will NEVER see ur 'i miss you too' reply.

Me: hahahahahaha. how u know?

A: How I know? Of course I know. 3 years of hell.

Me: KIWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK. Member ouch. HAHAHAHA.

So, the point of this very annoying convo is that I`m beginning to tell people I miss them already. HAHAHAHAHAHA. It doesn`t hurt to tell, after all. HAHAHA. I`ve always felt saying I MISS YOU is like soooo over-rated. I shall begin saying that now, but only when I mean it, okaye? HAHAHAHA.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. I feel like asking aish to come over right now coz i`m SOOOOO bored. We both could do with a hot & heavy make out session. & maybe dancing on the kitchen top. I like it when the physical don`t leave me asking for more. HAHA okaye inside joke, got ntg to do with the song. Eh Aishah Mohammad Razali, I know what u told you-know-who about my you-know-what & i know you want to do something to it so so so so so bad. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Okaye la. Come over watch DVD laaaaaa pleassssssssssssssse. Later got people complain I`m a lesbian again. HAHAHA. I wanna be a kitten now. NOW NOW NOW NOW NOWWWWWW.

mmhm

I guess it`s just my ears but I find Mika`s Grace Kelly a VERY annoying song. & I feel like chopping my hair & have green highlights.

every night is another story

I would have unleashed my true childish self had I been dressed in comfy Tshirt & shorts or something. HAHAHA. i didn`t know it would be sandy. HAHA. next time maybe (: I`m still not satisfied & I still wanna play, this time, barefooted but not on sand! (: & when i`m not nauseous. HAHA. I can live like this, laughing my life away with you. HAHAHA.

We were sitting & talking just now & suddenly, a certain feeling embraced me. I`m not sure if he noticed it but I wasn`t paying much attention to what he was saying that time. Something about his sisters & bowling. That very moment, I could only look into his eyes & something just tells me everything. My heart was just beating insanely, I only wanted to drown in his eyes. I can`t believe I`m missing him as I`m typing this. The way he makes me feel leaves me wanting more (:

I`m becoming a lil more certain of what`s going on currently. I`m here to stay & yes, see you on that starry hill tonight (:

You`re every line

You`re every word

You`re everything

He is total addiction.

let`s spend tonight on top of the world

I was on the phone with a friend a while ago. Well, let`s just say this friend used to matter ALOT to me, but things happened & we weren`t as close as before. She went her way & so did I. Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness. Mmm, anywaaaay, it`s been ages since I last talked or even read her blog. What happened was enough to allow hatred to creep into my heart. But I built a wall. Somehow, over time, the wall just crumbled on its own.

I do think of her occasionally & sometimes, only sometimes, about the person she stole away from me. When she did that, she did not realise that she robbed me off my sanity & ripped me apart because that person meant the WORLD to me. One of the very few guys who have actually created an impact on me deep enough to make me say I LOVE YOU and mean it. Because it`s not my nature to utter the 3 words. Words, like Nazir says, are sometimes unnecessary. Well, I`ve moved on, so it`s alright. Perfectly alright (: I don`t dwell. & i`m just glad they`re sailing their 3rd year together with relative ease (:

So we talked. It was nice, a little awkward initially, but it was alright after that. She claims she senses changes in me. Well, people change. Over the years, I`ve mellowed down. Especially my ego. It still exists but I know it`s not as huge as it used to be. No one has to vouch for that because I know myself well. Some actions of mine depict that change without me realising. It`s only after a while that I realise it & say, HEY I DID THAT. DID I REALLY DO THAT? WHERE HAS ALL THAT EGO GONE TO? But well, I`m not complaining coz it`s for the better of me. & all that anger, being short & hot-tempered, yes, i still have those traits, but I can say that I`ve learnt to sit, breathe & think rationally. Again, actions of mine have depicted this. I`m still learning. There`s always room for change & self-improvement.

Oh well, I`m finding love for myself in my heart again. I`ve always been in love with myself. This time, I`m falling deeper. & I`m not complaining. Each day, when I look at myself in the mirror, I tell myself that I really am strong, that I am an audacious girl. The only person who has the liberty to bring me down is myself.

Matin`s mum cancelled tuition today. Looks like my night is available. Some ME time with a good book. Sounds good. But I feel like going to the playground. HAHA. This is like the perfect weather for that.

all that you can`t leave behind

There is no despair so absolute as that which comes with the first moments of our first great sorrow. When we have not yet known what is to have suffered and healed, to have despaired and recovered hope.

recovered hope. recovered hope. recovered hope.

the truth that doesn`t make a noise

i.should.have.known.

Losing your heart`s desire is tragic. But gaining your heart`s desire, it`s all you can hope for. This year I wished for love. To immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart, long, afraid to feel. My wish was granted. If having that is tragic, then give me tragedy.

yeah, THIS is YOUR tragedy, Fit.


build me up. let me down. vicious cycle. ahh fuck it. i don`t know what else to say or do to convince him. i`m just afraid, just so fucking afraid to feel what i`m supposed to.

Well I can't explain why it's not enough

Coz I gave it all to you

And if you leave me now

Oh just leave me now

It's the better thing to do

-The pieces don`t fit anymore

If you think this doesn`t hurt, think again. you have no idea. no fucking idea. I want to give you the best of me. I have never had second doubts about that. But now, look. I`m afraid. I`m so very afraid.

Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically to those who hardly think about us in return.

Would he even know how much he means to me?

suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace

SELF-FRUSTRATION. I`m so silly sometimes. HAHA. Well that`s just coz I want him to be with me always. HAHA.

Well, since he`s asleep, I guess I`ll go clean my room up. 5 mins & i`m already missing him. I`m re-reading our conversation & I really can`t help but smile real wide. Don`t you people just love courtships? HAHA. Everything`s so beautiful, it`s like you`re always on Cloud 9.

On a serious note, I`ll take whatever comes my way, take it all in my stride. Could he be the one who opens the door, the door i`ve locked for a year plus? Could he be the one who`s gonna help me overcome my fear of commitment? Could he be the one, after a series of failed 'almost relationships'?

I know I felt like this before

But now I'm feeling it even more

Because it came from you

Then I open up and see

The person fumbling here is me

A different way to be

I want more, impossible to ignore

Impossible to ignore

And they'll come true, impossible not to do

Impossible not to do

And now I tell you openly

You have my heart so don't hurt me

For what I couldn't find

Talk to me amazing mind

So understanding and so kind

You're everything to me

- Dreams

I`m not sure. I don`t have the answers. Take it slow. But one thing`s certain, I`m just glad he`s here. & I pray he`ll stay.

Never knew I could feel like this

Like I've never seen the sky before

I want to vanish inside your kiss

Every day I love you more and more

Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing

Telling me to give you everything

Seasons may change, winter to spring

But I love you until the end of time

-Come What May

All I see is you. All I wanna be is your. . . fitten (: HAHA. okaye inside joke (: I shall be a very nice girl & not disrupt his sleep (:

I wanna go to the playground pleaseeeeeeeeeee.

kiwaaaaaak

My dictionary of Malay slang & profanities is expanding. & THAT IS NOT A GOOD THING. Some of them have existed since whenever but I`ve never heard any of that, hence i`m lagging behind. I`ve got no idea that 'STEAM KODOK' has got nothing to do with a toad & i`ve always thought KODOK is a swordfish, when it`s actually a TOAD. HAHA.

Yesterday proved to be an idiotic day for me.

Adly: I was happily sitting behind then 2 mat kotais came over. Siak ah.

Me: So what`s the problem?

Adly: Mat kotais la.

Me: Yeah I know. SO WHAT`S THE ACTUAL PROBLEM? They chose to sit there coz they saw YOU & they`d prolly say, 'EH MEMBER KITA AHHHHHH, JOM DUDUK' .

Adly, Iylia, Syed: KIWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK. MEMBER OUCH.

Much later,

Adly: Fit, ur face like Zakir ah.

Me: Really?

HAHA. Then I looked at Zakir who was seated next to me.

Me: Well, kind of. But that`s coz we are fair. BUT my nose is nicer than his. So much nicer.

Adly, Syed, Iylia, Zakir, Naz/Nas : KIWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK.

ohmy.. & that inside joke about Rusydi`s Friendster nick, kiwaaaaaaaaaak. HAHA.

Eh how, minah wannabe can? KUANG3.

i`ve got sunshine on a cloudy day

okaye im having my doses of iylia, syed & adly in less than 3 hrs. Cengker moments again for sure, & as usual, I`ll be the butt of their jokes -.-

on another note, KBP boy is capable of putting my heart on a rollercoaster. I`m about to scream. HAHA. & do you people notice the multiple entries in a day?HAHAHAHA. yes, i`m too free.

....

LESBIANS DO NOT FALL FOR GUYS, THEY DO NOT FALL FOR CREATURES WITH A DICK & AN ADAM`S APPLE. Do i look as if i`ve fallen for a girl? Why is my sexuality being questioned again? HOW MANY TIMES MUST PEOPLE RAISE THAT TOPIC ABOUT ME? I`m perfectly straight. Just coz I have lesbian tendencies at times, that doesn`t make me a les. & if i was SO interested to be with a girl, then I wouldn`t even bother feeling the way I am for him right now.

It`s PERFECTLY NORMAL FOR GIRLS TO CHECK EACH OTHER OUT. So that does not make me a fucking lesbian. & just coz i send messages to girls, THAT AGAIN DOES NOT MAKE ME A FUCKING LESBIAN. It`s all in the name of fun.

Talk about judging people randomly. Screw that.

& i`m not discriminating lesbians in this entry. i`m perfectly fine with them.

I just feel lousy now. I feel like crap. & I`m upset & hurt. Truly am. Because those aren`t the words I wanna hear from him.

i`ve got sunshine on a cloudy day

HAHAHAHA. Everytime I see Umar, I`ll talk about kidnapping his gorgeous Arab-looking gf. So just nw, I sent a msg to this very beautiful girl who viewed me a few days ago & she looks alot like his gf.

"Hi. Do u happen to be Umar`s gf whom I wanna steal so much?"

HAHA. I sent her that. She`s very pretty & cute, really. HAHA. IF that girl turns out to be the wrong person.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA to me. So much for being cheeky, Fit ;p

On another note, the rain is pouring, the weather`s mighty fine to me & I wanna jump over puddles. & KBP Boy is really a pig. HAHA. I can`t comprehend guys & long hours of sleep. ZzzZzzz.

WAHLAU EHHHHHHHH

DISASTER. CATASTROPHE. I`m super pissed now, please. My brother just spilled LIQUID PAPER ONTO MY LAPTOP LAAAAAAA. now the keys are white. WAHLAU....................FAIZ HILMAN BIN ZULKEFLEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! bloody bingit now.

feast for my eyes

There`s this arab-looking guy from RP who has just added me up on Friendster & my oh my, he`s darn fly. Don`t bother checking my 'recently added friends' list coz it`s not updated for idk what reason . HAHA. Anyway, I only looked at his first pic when I accepted the request, didnt think much of it. But i kinda checked him out just nw for the fun of it. & yes, I do have a fetish for these kinda hunky & fair arab-looking boys. HOT. Woooo. Very very hot. He makes good eye candy. HAHA.

But you know what? HAHA. I STILL prefer to look at the boy with 3 kittens (: He wins hands down anytime (: Oh yes he does, coz he`s all i see lately & i`m not complaining (: I want more. I need more. He`s like a drug, like an aphrodisiac (: Go on, rob me off my sanity (: I like this chase.


You're a carousel

You're a wishing well

And you light me up

When you ring my bell

You're a mystery

You're from outer space

You're every minute of my every day

- Everything

This infatuation is driving me up the wall but I love having butterflies in my tummy again (: Uncanny that I don`t complain from the lack of sleep these days. The silly things this does to me (:

On another note, i think my mum`s soup is too salty today. It tasted like salt water, I think she was sleepy when she cooked this morning, but i stole all the potatoes anyway, salty or not. I just had to say this. Okaye okaye i wont complain. HAHA.

Bye bye ;)

under the influence of ......

i`m too lazy to organise my thoughts.

sleep.sunday.lunch.nazir.feel like throwing my hp out of the window.daydream. car.nervous.upset.dinner.rice.talks.illusions.dahliah.10 am.missed calls.stingray.apple strudel.parents.phone calls. hospital. pissed. messages.

argh.i did it. i told myself to never touch it again, but i did. it`s been 4 years. promises are meant to be broken. good while it lasted, took my pain away for a moment. cheap thrill, but heck, coz it was surreal.

look up, the stars are fading

Let's spend tonight on top of the world
And we can do anything,
We can be anything
I'll meet you tonight on top of the world
As real as it seems,
You're only in my dreams

boo. something`s wrong with my taggyboardyboard :(

mistake no more

This has gotta come to an end. & it has. I think what Afiq & me had was something only two of us could comprehend. He has been my pillar of strength but right from the very beginning, I only saw it as a beautiful start to a wonderful friendship, nothing more, nothing less. but I guess things happen & it`s hard not to THINK you`ve developed a certain kind of feeling for each other. to THINK is different from FEELING. & i have to say that in this case, it was more THINKING than FEELING for me & it was just the other way round for him.

I do not blame him, myself, or anyone for all that`s happened. My conscience is clear. I`ve told him what I wanted, who I need.

What is wrong with me? I daren`t ask. I`ve had very good guy friends who`ve always been there for me, but once they cross the 'friends only' border, i panic. i become so afraid coz i know i`ll lose them. & yes, i have lost many along the way. I tell myself to never be too friendly or they`ll get the wrong signals. But sometimes, I REALLY don`t know what i`ve said or did to make them develop those feelings, because my main intention has never and will never be to make them fall for me.

Afiq. Afiq has been an exception until last week or 2 weeks before. & i have to admit that i really shouldn`t have said certain things, my bad, but there`s really no point in looking back now. I`ve just ended a call with him. As much as I choose to ignore, I feel it. I sense the disappointment in his voice. But I really can`t lie to him. & most importantly, to myself. It`s tragic that we`ve become like this, but let`s embrace the fact that this is for the better of us. I still don`t mind having him around as my buddy, but I`m certain he has issues with that. Guys being guys. I can`t say much, really. But it`s bothering me to hear him say things like he`d rather die than cry & that i have no idea how upset he is.

I`ve had enough. Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. I know I should give him space to breathe & i could make use of that as well. The problem with me is that I`m too afraid to say NO to someone, it`s just not my nature. But this of course, has never been a good thing. More often than not, things happen before I can salvage the situation. By the time I`ve plucked all courage to say NO, something bad has occurred.

Okaye i feel better now. I`m sorry I don`t mean to be selfish, but it feels good to know that I no longer have 3 hearts in my hands, including mine. That I no longer have to hold them so dearly. I`m left with one, & yes, I`ll do anything & everything to let that one heart be mine. mine & only mine. now if only the owner of that heart would quit being so pessimistic. Well, i wonder if he`d be elated to know that the only one i need is him. Soon enough, i suppose. & whatever happens after that is entirely ANOTHER story.

Cause you give me something,

That makes me scared alright,

This could be nothing,

But I'm willing to give it a try,

Please give me something,

Cause someday I might call you from my heart.

But it might be a second too late,

And the words that I could never say,

Are gonna come out anyway.

-You Give Me Something

The week has come to an end. & i should quit being messed up as well. enough messing & screwing things up for the week. Now, Fit, look ahead & smile (:That smile has been gone from & wiped off your face long enough. Bring it back. & you so need to sleep!

you spin me right round, baby right round

i knew it. i saw it coming. AFIQ, I AM SORRY. oh my head is spinning now. so badly.

you`re a drug & i`m addicted

I`m so sleepy. I had less than 4 hours of sleep. i really am BATGIRL. My mobile was under my pillow & the boy who made me upset yesterday gave me 5 missed calls AT 6 IN THE MORNING to irritate the hell out of me. & obviously my phone vibrated insanely under my head. URGH.

He obviously has nothing better to do but to give me missed calls early in the morning. & this isn`t the first time. HAHA. Okaye so why am i complaining? nvm. Anyway, things are fine. Looking good. FOR THE TIME BEING. haha. okaye, no, i wish it`ll remain that way (:

& i just remembered i`m having a new lesson at 1100 till 1230 today. There goes my Saturdays :( But why am i complaining when it`s only for 2 Saturdays?

Anyway, i`m deeply touched. THANK YOU & i love you all! I`ve replied to all the necessary messages already (: the people know who they are. don`t worry about me! Fit never fails to pick herself up. NO MATTER WHAT (:

nazir, u make my head spin.

close my eyes & move to the back of my mind

If you just walked away,

What could I really say?

Would it matter anyway?

Would it change how you feel?

-Everything Changes

No more sleeping at 0300 or 0400. Nothing to look forward to. ANYMORE. I don`t know what went wrong, & I don`t wanna think about it coz it kills me to even think about you.

I had less than 3 hours of sleep, woke up & mummy saw my swollen eyes. Our eyes met but I couldn`t take it, I needed no questioning or I`d just begin crying in front of her, so I scurried to my room, shut the door & buried my face in the pillow.

I tried. Don`t say I didn`t. I even remembered you telling me not to cry unless I`m physically in pain. I tried in vain to hold back my tears but inevitably they fell & the next minute I knew, I was sobbing real hard till I found it hard to breathe.

For someone to create such an impact on me, it just says ALOT about that person. How much he means to me, how much I treasure him. It doesn`t matter how long i`ve known that person, but those close to me know that it takes ALOT to impress me. So, this my friend, shows that you don`t mean everything to me, but something. I`ve said this already, I`m an emo wreck lately. & nobody can save me but myself. All the way down in the doldrums, that`s where I am now. & I choose to stay there, for. the. time. being.

In the meantime, I may be at my most vulnerable state, but I don`t need anyone to build me up, just to let me down. I won`t allow that to happen. Enough is enough.

Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind

The worries are washed out to sea

See the changes, people's faces blurred out

Like sunspots or raindrops

Now all those feelings,

Those yesterdays feelings ,will all be lost in time

But today, I’ve wasted away for today is on my mind

Left the only worries I had in my hands

Away from the light in my eyes

Holding tight and try not to hide how i feel

Coz feelings mean nothing

- Yesterday`s Feelings

I am in dire need of some 'ME' time. Lately, it`s all been about my friends & the people around me. How can I be there for others when I can`t even attend to my own needs? I can`t be altruistic & benevolent ALL THE TIME. I need room & time to unravel my latest mistake, analyse it all & learn from it.

Please don`t expect much from me these days, I may choose to be oblivious & shut everyone out of my world. Allow me to be self-centred, illiberal, ignorant, egoistic, oblivious & all the words associated with it.

This entire thing is insane, makes me wanna cry. again. So confusing. Was it something I said, the way I reacted? Or was it just you? Or was it a misunderstanding? I can`t seem to pinpoint the cause of this, but i`m pretty much disappointed, I don`t know why. Maybe it`s just wrong to feel this way.

but, My God, it`s so beautiful when the boy smiles, wanna hold him, maybe i`ll just sing about it.

no maybes. no what ifs. I need sleep. NOW. bye.

On another note, I`m gonna dread all the questioning by Afiq when he reads this entry after booking out tomorrow. That`s ANOTHER matter i`ll have to deal with, much explanation needed & I hate to think what`ll happen after all that is done.

I AM IN SUCH A MESS. This time, it`s mess beyond mess.

Let go? :(

:(

crestfallen. i`m upset, yes i am. i cried, yes i did.

stay close, don`t go

It baffles me alot that my world is beginning to revolve around you. & I`m building silly dreams that involve you. Suddenly I feel this burning desire, I need you. I really do. But would you ever know? Beautiful disaster, that`s what you are. Beautifully broken, that`s how I am.

do you know you`re unlike any other?

I'm wrapped up in vines

I think Ill make it out
but you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain
-Thunder

Hi. I`m totally bored right now. Met up with Syed yesterday after tuition for a while. Quality time spent, I must say. It`s been far too long for the both of us. Well, we had no plans so decided to just bum around at the rooftop. Headed to NTUC where we bought 20 bucks worth of drinks & junk food. We ended up bringing the unfinished ones home, anyway. HAHA.

Anyway we were walking towards the lift when we bumped into his mum. HAHA. It was so funny. She`s so cute, she actually tapped my arm & smiled coyly when she saw me (: & she`s a very nice lady too. She used to work at Raffles Hospital so the other time I happened to bump into her & she still recognises me & asked how I was. & she asked one particular question which got me tongue tied. Mmm, point is, Syed talks to his mum about me. HAHA.

Alright, moving on, we talked about everything under the sky. It was nice catching up, to know that we`re both fine. HAHA. Come to think of it, I`ve known this guy since pri 2, so that makes it a good 11 years. Almost. My primary school puppy love. My tuition mate. My schoolmate. HAHA. I`ve always thought he was the most good looking guy in our batch, even Chinese girls were crazy over him. HAHA. But well, look who he 'fell' for ;p Geeky Fit from the EM1 class. HAHA.



Sweet. I remember that we had the same pair of sneakers back then during tuition in pri 2 & on the last day of school in 2000, we both wore red and that was such coincidence. Then we went to different sec schools & lost contact. I vaguely remember us sending emails to each other in 2001 but after that, there were none. & then i guess it`s just fate that we met again at TP & that`s when we became trackmates & saw each other during tranings every week. HAHA.

I still think he`s hot but I guess I outgrew the feelings. I was worried the old feelings would return, but they never did. Not that I`m complaining. He`s such a gem, really. After we parted yesterday, he sent me a msg & even complimented that I looked good in green. HAHA. That doesn`t matter to me all, but it really touches my heart to know that I`m as important to him as he is to me. Well, I can go on & on about him. I thank God for blessing me with such a beautiful man with a big heart (:

Sunshine, you make me really happy.

Speaking of sunshine, i miss these 3 ladies. See you girls on Sat, I hope (:

Somehow, I`m always beside Farah. Not that i`m complaining. HAHA (:

Mmmhm & today I`m ditching Adly, Iylia & Syed for American Idol. huahuahuahua .

(:

& a gentle reminder to all, in exactly 6 months time on this date, I`ll turn 19 (: So quick, set it as a reminder in your mobiles. HAHAHA.

he`s soft to the touch, but frayed at the ends

He drowns in his dreams

An exquisite extreme, I know

He's as damned as he seems

And more heaven than a heart could hold

If I tried to save him

My whole world could cave in

It just ain't right, it just ain't right

-Beautiful Disaster

oh simple things, where have you gone?

These days, I feel like lying on someone`s lap with my book, feel the wind in my face. Watch the clouds go by, plug into our favourite sounds, trace our dreams in mid air, carve our names in trees & have silly laughs. Without a single care in the world. Let time come to a standstill.

Or maybe just play at the playground barefooted & laugh my life away.

The simple things in life do make me joyful after all.

Someday I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

A way above the chimney tops

That's where you'll find me

-Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Off for bfast. tc all (: bye bye. & oh. my craving for my all time fav apple & mango strudel is driving me insaneeeeeeeeee.

is that alright with you?

Leave me out with the waste

This is not what I do

It's the wrong kind of place

To be thinking of you

It's the wrong time

For somebody new

It's a small crime

And i've got no excuse

I apologise to my heart for causing it much distress lately. I promise things will be better. I see the light at the end of the tunnel already.

Anyway, the ONLY thing that`s bound to make me happy today is catching Damien Rice on Live From Abbey Road on Arts Central tonight. I forgot who else will be on but that doesn`t matter. If my photographic memory serves me well, I think Goo Goo Dolls are on as well. Anyway, it`s okaye. I know I`ll be better after that (: & i better not fall asleep & miss any parts today. I`m still pretty sore I missed The Good, the Bad & the Queen last week simply coz they were after Josh Groban & he fricking made me fall asleep when he crooned! Brits are love, with the exception of Groban, he`s booooooring. Mmm.

anywaaaay, Afiq, I liked our conversation today, better than Saturday`s. You take care & quit reading my entries through GPRS & WAP whilst in the toilet, you burnt army boy. Afiq terbakar panggil bomba, bomba datang berlumba-lumba dah tak boleh buat apa-apa. HAHAHA. imu (:

accumulated

Tonight, my pillows will be wet.

let the clocks be reset & the pendulums held

OKAYE I`M NT GOING TO CALL ANYONE ANYMORE. I MADE 3 WRONG CALLS TODAY. & that`s coz i switched my sim card & apparently my contacts are all stored in the other sim card. i dunno who the heck I msged or called. anywaaaay HAFIZ U OWE ME BIG TIME SINCE U GAVE ME THE WRONG NO. & TO MAKE UP FOR ALL THAT TROUBLE I WENT THROUGH JUST TO MEET YOU, I WANT MY APPLE STRUDEL, B&J ICE CREAM, DONUT FACTORY`S DONUTS, & GODIVA`S CHOCOLIXIR. I.DON`T.CARE.

let the clocks be reset & the pendulums held

NOTE: THIS IS A LENGTHY ENTRY

I logged off earlier than usual, around 0200. Nazir sent me some cute songs, which unfortunately, didn`t seem to cheer me up. I`m not certain if he sensed that I wasn`t really myself last night. Owells.

Lately, it hurts to breathe. Literally. I haven`t told anyone about it. I only go to bed once my sister is asleep, just so she won`t hear me wheeze. I don`t wanna disrupt her sleep. My gut feeling tells me it`s my bronchitis again.

Anyway before I hit the sack, I switched on my hp & i read the text Afiq sent me in the afternoon. I realised I missed certain parts of it. & after reading the entire msg, I cried. Somehow, I`m frustrated with myself for being SOOOO emotionally weak lately. It`s like I look at myself in the mirror, everything looks fine on the surface, but i have the urge to smash the mirror, shatter my own reflection. As if the broken pieces can hurt my inner self.

I need to find peace within myself. It`s about time.

During the course of my life thus far I have buried my soul deep within, covering it so that my mind believes my soul is no longer of consequence. I believe I am in my thinking rather than my feelings; this is to the cost of my soul. I have lost sight of the fact that my deepest yearning is love. I forget that love is what I crave. Deep down I know this; on the surface I barely dare believe it.

When I decide and make the attempt to get closer to my true being, then I am on the path to again being with my soul which is love. To help me do this I need to make space for love, for I have so filled myself with the clutter of life that little freedom remains. I am to remove the bits and pieces, the possessions, the junk and debris that I have taken on board. I am to eliminate all that is not love. In doing so I am to be patient with myself, kind, caring and looking at my internal presence rather than my external appearance.

I am to cease rushing about hecticly and in preference stay with myself for that is where I am and where love is to be found. Love is within, truth is within, peace is within, joy is within. Everything I require is within. I ache to again be with these gifts of self, to again be who I rightly am. I have strayed.

If I cast out all the unnecessary debris of life, then I am making room for the new. The space made available, I may fill with love. As I do this, I will be able to see differently, to perceive otherwise and again become love. All I have to do is try. If I deny myself this opportunity then I do not allow the hopes of change and without hope there is no peace and love cannot be. I make space within as I cast out the worldly so that I may then freely receive.

Previously, I have been full of absurdity and filled with the paraphernalia of our worldly society. I may choose to throw out all the bric-a-brac out of my life and by so doing I free myself to again, be my own reality. As I accept, then I find love, I re-unite with the love within and I open to giving love and in return receiving love. I am able to find myself and again be with my soul. It is my decision to do so, I am free to choose. I have permission to do these things; all I have to do is accept.

To decipher the present from the past, to recognise the past from the present.

I know I am strong. I am weak because I allow myself to feel this way. With God`s grace, I`ll sail through this. & I`ll give it all, give my all to be in harmony & sync with my inner self once again. & I shall once again, open my heart to love the next man. Sincerely.

It can only be I who, in the past, has imposed limitations on the amount of love I have been prepared to accept, for who else might it be? I see nothing beyond my self-imposed limits. I may blame others, but my life is of my own doing. I am free to discard my limitations to see beyond, to see love.

Now, this moment, is my opportunity to accept love to the fullest. I may go within, to where love is infinite and everlasting. The opportunity is given to me. I am never alone in this quest, love cannot desert me. My life’s purpose is love. From this instant on, I am living to love and no longer dying to love. My soul heals as I do so, my being is again alive.

Where there is no need for sacrifice, for all is surrendered. All has been let go and truth revealed. All is in balance.

I`ll take my leave now. Enough for today. bye bye.

que sera, sera

What ruins a beautiful friendship between a boy & a girl?

We all know what the answer is.

inhale deeply

Sunday. Today is just one of the days. One of those blue days for me. One of those days I choose to be immersed & lost in my world, oblivious to my surroundings. One of those days I choose to blatantly ignore people.

I`ve switched off my hp for good. I am just not in the mood to reply msgs or answer any calls today. I`m not depressed. I`m not angry. Just moodless. As much as I wanna go out alone & seek some solace, I just wanna stay at home. Read the latest news on Reuters, plug into my favourite sounds & maybe just sit around & watch the clouds go by.

I`m tired. Emotionally. i have no idea why but it`s draining the life out of me. & yes, i`m looking forward to meeting my pillars of strength next week. 3 different cliques altogether. I guess that`ll keep me occupied for the rest of the week. On another note, I can`t wait for school.

I`ll be off.

so cradle your head in your hands

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,

You shout cause you`re just as far in as you'll ever be out

& these mistakes you've made,

you`ll just make them again

If you only try turning around.

MMMMMM.

you`re every minute of my every day

mmm the downpour is making me all warm & fuzzy inside. Curtains are drawn but I can still see the ray of light peeking through, what a beautiful tint of grey & blue in the skies. Just lying on my bed, watching the raindrops trickle down the windows, inhaling the fresh air, plugging into my favourite sounds. For once, that makes me happy. at least for today (: it`s like time is crawling so dilatorily today. Anyway, I love this song. mmm.

let`s not kill the karma

Yesterday after tuition was magnificent. The plan was to meet up with Iylia, my first puppy love in pri sch aka as Syed Muhammad Haikal dol & Adly for coffee to just catch up & bum around. Well apparently, Iylia & Syed were from City Hall or something & Adly was just being plain annoying coz he slept all the way till 1900 & there was no way I could reach him coz he switched off his hp.

Okaye so met up with Adly first for dinner since the other two would be late. We bumped into Nazir, an unknown but cute lad who added me on Friendster recently. Oooo he looks pretty good in person. Kinda my kind. You know, tall, fair, kinda hunky & the list goes on. HAHA.

I got pissed when Syed & Iylia took FOREVER to reach Tampines. Adly & me were getting bored already so we bummed at Starbucks. OKAAAAAYE. This was what happened. When I was queuing up, there was this dude who was in front of me & he kept turning back. I didn`t think much of it but when he kept doing that for like 483498204 times, I got pretty annoyed.

After ordering the drinks, I waited at the bar & he came up to me. He looked better upclose, I swear I was hyperventilating. HAHAHA. & then suddenly he asked,

D: Are you Malay, Chinese or Eurasian?

Me: Mmm, Malay. (at this point of time I acted pretty nonchalant, didnt wanna give the wrong signals)

D: Oh really! Pure Malay or are you mixed?

Me: Pure malay. Not mixed at all

D: Wow, u are pure. You look different from the other Malays. Nice.

& then I just smiled & my drinks were ready. I was about to walk away & say 'nice meeting you' when he held out his hand to introduce himself.

D: I am Julian. You are?

Me: Mmm u can just call me Fitri.

& thennnn I walked away before he could say anything. HAHAHAHAHA. My heart was rolling on the floor already, please. It`s rare that a stranger makes me feel that way. I told Adly about it & he actually went in to 'check him out'. HAHAHA. Julian & his friend were seated inside anyway.

Iylia & Syed were total jokers. They went in twice. The first time they were in, Iylia pretty much STARED at him, & syed was just, well, being idiotic as usual. So they 'looked at the board' & stepped out. GEEEEEEEEZ. Iylia told me that Julian eyed them suspiciously. HAHAHAHA. Syed came up with a silly plan. He suggested that i enter again, but each time, i`m with different guys. Means Adly first, then Iylia & finally him. WHAT A RETARD. & obviously I didn`t do that. HAHAHA.

I kinda like how Julian was just straightforward & friendly, no cheesy pick up lines. Well to SOMEONE i chatted with last night, a guy who doesnt use corny pick up lines isnt BORING, neither does that mean he lacks creativity. I like guys who are creative in other areas & do not have to resort to watching reruns of 'Joey' for pick up lines (:

Anywaaaaay, I had a great time with the 3 of them, who hv nvr failed to be there for me, through the good times & the bad. We chatted about lots of things, from school to girls to boys to Syed`s brother who`s forever commenting on my pics in friendster. LOL. They then 'escorted' me to the MRT & we bid our goodbyes. Well, it was a great night indeed, I met 2 hot guys. But you know what? The company I had last night beats meeting all the hot guys in the world (: Thank you Iylia, Syed & Adly! (: I love you three! (:

When I got home, my mummy gave me a pleasant surprise, regarding school stuff. Well,what can I say? I love her to pieces. She isn`t a great mum. Coz ' a great mother' is an understatement for such a beautiful woman with a big heart like her (: May God bless her always.

okaaaaaye that`s it. I need to eat. BYE BYE.

oh no you didn`t

oh yes i did

just for FUN

Adly, my a/c has hit the 700th mark today but last night at 2300-ish , it hit that 666 first (: so do u owe me something? ;)

DON`T ANNOY ME

I`m giving DD a month to quit being clingy. I`m fine with us being friends, with the occasional msgs or calls but all these early in the morning calls & missed calls at 0300-0600, his reason being 'i want to hear your voice' & those 'i miss you' & 'what are you doing?' msgs are getting on my nerves already. Oh you know I dont` like to be suffocated like this.

DON`T CROWD MY SPACE.

i miss the boy with many moles on his head

I`ve gotta admit this. I want to cry. & why is that so? Coz my brother is away for his P5 camp till Wednesday. Okaye to some of you, that doesnt mean anything, but I`m really close to him, hence, I feel the void. So close that he still wants to sleep with me, wakes me up in the middle of the night to accompany him to the toilet, bring him to movies, just the 2 of us. Yes the last movie I brought him to was Mr Bean`s Holiday.

He may be very annoying, sometimes he makes me cry & scream my lungs out when he pisses me off, but i love him to death nonetheless. Last night when he was sleeping, I quietly kissed him. SIGH. Faiz Hilman, i miss you already.

He may be 11 only, but he`s very protective of me. I remember a few weeks back, when I was pissed & upset with someone I disliked & she was behaving bitchy & blogging about me & all, Faiz was by my side & comforted me. He may be bratty, being the only brother I have, but like i said, i love him to death nonetheless. I can nv say this enough. Anyway, there`s a pic of me in his Friendster profile with the caption 'hello sister'. See how much he loves me? There`s a pic of my sister too, but of her feet & shoes. HAHAHAHA. He`s showing favouritism. HAHA.

I hope he`s having fun in camp! (: While my mummy & me weep tonight. HAHAHA.

walk of fame

Very excited on a ride in Disneyland

During Raya at kampung. He was chewing gum.

In Disneyland

Cars

He`s growing up too fast, i pray he`ll turn into a fine lad. but i see my temper in him. HAHA(:

Dear God, please protect the 2 people in my life who are in different camps because they mean alot to me.

mmmhmmmm

They say birds of the same feather flock together.

That`s of no wonder to me. I`m so disgusted already. Like totally. The things that they are 'proud' of? It just doesn`t make sense to me, hence, frm MY p.o.v, it`s more of them being so darn full of themselves. I know I`m in no disposition to say this, but here`s my two-cents worth. They need to eat humble pie, in other words, embrace humility. Seriously. May God forgive all their sins & lead them onto His path.

Human presumptuousness, insolence, arrogance, elevated self-worth, are around us everywhere, & Astaghfirullah (I seek forgiveness from Allah), sometimes in ourselves. We have to fight it in our own hearts. We must always remember that we are nothing - we have nothing - except what Allah s.w.t blesses us with. We can do nothing with our own power.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "God has revealed to me that you must be humble, so that no one oppresses another and boasts over another." - Sunah of Abu-Dawood, Hadith 2294

May God shelter us from the humiliating fire of Hell, and help us to always remember His favours. Help us to be always thankful to Him, and be humble unto Him, for He alone is the Sustainer, the Almighty.

Gdnight all! (:

electric shocks on aching bones

I truly enjoyed today, more like yesterday already. Too tired to blog now & MAN U is retarded tonight so I`ve decided not to watch the 2nd half. BYE BYE.

bizzaro

I am so totally freaked out right now. So freaked out that I ran to the toilet immediately without reciting my usual doa everytime I wake up.

I had the most bizarre dream ever & Afiq was in it. Well let`s just say the dream was good while it lasted but the first part which involved me playing in a huge longkang was like totally silly & redundant. Afiq was my boyfriend AGAIN & we were in bus 12. Actually I don`t feel like bloggin about this dream so i`ll just type out all the words associated with it, in no chronological order. HAHAHA.

hugs.kisses.touch.longkang.nyonya.Simei.Pasir Ris.bus 12.my friend, Raelene.fishing.art work.black Adidas jacket.not a botak head Afiq.tears.slippers.Changi.a makcik who lived near my house.another makcik who lived in Jalan Bersih.cargo complex.

OKAYE ENOUGH ALREADY. so now someone tell me pls, where in Singapore is Jalan Bersih? Geeez.

Afiq, u better be honoured or something. This is the 2nd time I`ve dreamt about you. Remember the first one? You were my boyfriend who was a national soccer player & I waited for you at Vivo but you never came & I sat in the lift all day long, going up & down. Geez. HAHAHAHAHA.

read: first dream

yeah u can click on it to read from my previous blog. Entry dated 16 Nov 2006, 0159.

& OH! yesterday, i msged Lily. She has 2 numbers & I had no idea which one she was using so I texted both. I got a reply from her but my fingers were so itchy I deleted one of her numbers. & apparently, I deleted the WRONG one. & then I had a call from her old number, which i thought was the right one. It was some looney lau ah pek who was like partially deaf or something. SO annoying! & his accent was typically ah pek.

Me: Hi ly, so what`s the plan?

'Lily': Halo. You want to find who?

Me: Umm, hey it`s me Fit. Are u her bf or something? (HAHAHAHA. okaye this was retarded coz i thought she asked her bf to answer or something)

'L': You want to find who?

Me: umm okaye hurry get Lily on the line pls. I want to find my friend Lily.

'L': You work for my friend? Who?

At this point of time i was $%$@#$%&#$ annoyed already.

Me: Okaye this isn`t funny. Where`s Lily?

'L': You want to find who?

& then i gave up 'entertaining' this twerp

Me: Yeah okaye find you. Wrong number. Bye Bye.

'L': Orh wrong number ah? You want to find who?

So i called Hidz to get the right number. Unfortunately, she doesn`t have it since she lost her hp the other time. So i told her about this cuckoo ah pek & she asked me if Lily had an Ah Pek-ish bf. & for a moment it hit us that she might have misplaced her hp, & it was pretty unfortunate it landed in the hands of some dingbat like the Ah pek. LOL.

The story doesn`t end here. STUPID AH PEK. WAHLAUUUUUUUUU. He was seriously asking for trouble. & then he called AGAIN & asked who I was looking for. I insisted it was the wrong number. & he called AGAIN, for the third time, asking or rather saying the same thing AGAIN & this time, even reciting his number. So not funny.

Okaye so the point is, I finally got her number. THE RIGHT ONE. & Lily even told me that she used to divert her numbers & her friends who called the old number would always be yelled at with profanities by a man. WAHLAUUUU. MUST BE THAT AH PEK laaaaaaa. HAHAHA.

okaye BYE BYE. You want to find who? HAHAHAHA.

Okaye wanna eat. BYE BYE.