lie still & think of me

I know what my heart wants to do. I know what it`s telling my damn brain to do. But I fear rejection, I fear a damn lot of things so it`s really clogging up the plumbing & maybe that`s the goddamn problem with me. My fear of UNNECESSARY THINGS/PEOPLE/FEELINGS is really taking over me. & my refusal to do certain things BECAUSE of that FEAR. &&& then, I start calling Afiq & Dahliah & Iylia & Aish & tell them & I know what they will say. Follow your heart, listen to your heart, go with your heart. && I know they`re right & it`s ACTUALLY about time I come out of my shell & actually DO it, you know. You see, I`m irritating like that. I need that assurance, that what I PLAN to do is the right thing. But at the end of the day, I can talk to all the 483984304 strangers along Orchard Road & they`ll probably tell me the same thing but it all boils down to me. It`s times like these I miss the i-don`t-give-a-flying-fuck Fit. God knows where she went. I love myself a damn lot but I`m starting to piss myself alot with all these negativity that`s been going on for the past 2 months. & i REALLY should stop whining now because we all know I can whine FOREVER.

Okaye, & dear God, please make me accomplish my 'mission' today because it means a great deal to me because it concerns my favourite couple & I love them too much to see them apart. So, please, God, please.

i wanna run away

Out from Under - Bratz OST

Breathe you out

Breathe you in

You keep comin back to tell me

You're the one who could have been

In my eyes, I see it oh so clear

It was long ago, and far away

But it never disappears

I try to put it in the past

Hold onto myself and so look back

I don't wanna dream about

All the things that never were

Maybe I can live without

When I'm out from under

I don't wanna feel the pain

What good would it do me now

I'll get it all figured out

When I'm out from under

[from under][from under][from under]

So let me go

Just let me fly away

Let me feel the space between us

Growing deeper and much darker every day

Watch me now

And I'll be someone new

My heart will be unbroken

And it will open up for everyone but you

Even when I cross the line

It's like a lie I've told a thousand times

I don't wanna dream about

All the things that never were

Maybe I can live without

When I'm out from under

I don't wanna feel the pain

What good would it do me now

I'll get it all figured out

When I'm out from under

[from under][from under][from under]

And part of me still believes

When you say you're gonna stick around

And part of me still believes

We can find a way to work it out

But I know that we tried everything we could try

So let's just say goodbye forever

I don't wanna dream about

All the things that never were

Maybe I can live without

When I'm out from under

I don't wanna feel the pain

What good would it do me now

I'll get it all figured out

When I'm out from under

I don't wanna dream about

All the things that never were

Maybe I can live without

When I'm out from under

i can`t stand this

I don`t understand a lot of things about the people in my life & their relationships.

1) I don`t understand why the both of you have to bicker like that after all the 5 years you`ve been together.

2) I don`t understand why you PRETEND to NOT need each other when truth is, you know you are just gonna die without the other person.

3) I don`t understand why you can`t put your egos aside.

4) I don`t understand why people are willing to throw their love away just like that, after all the time they`ve spent together & the effort they`ve put into the relationship. like dammit, other people out there spend a fucking lifetime searching for someone & you throw away what you already have.

5) I don`t understand why you can`t see that as we get older, relationships hold greater meaning, like for the love of God, we aren`t in secondary school anymore.

6) I don`t understand why something so negative like pride & ego have to get in the way of something so pure & divine called love.

7) I don`t understand why you are like that.

8) I don`t understand why you can`t be the one who`ll pick up the damn phone for the last time ever to make things work.

9) I don`t understand why something so small should be blown into a big issue.

10) I don`t understand how you can scream at each other & how hatred can develop in a matter of seconds, overshadowing all the love that you`ve had all these while.

11) I don`t understand why people have to stay mad at each other for so long. Don`t they realise that life`s too short, way too meaningful & fragile to be pissed with each other?

12) I don`t understand everything behind all the facade. I DON`T MOTHERFUCKING UNDERSTAND.

13) I don`t understand why you can`t kiss & make up & be a stronger couple & in the many years to come, you`re gonna look back and laugh & be so thankful you still have each other despite all the shit that`s happened.

I don`t understand why you can`t understand that I AM DYING TO BE IN ALL OF YOUR SHOES. I listen to ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS, ALL OF YOUR WORRIES BECAUSE you are my friends & because I fucking care but I wish you guys would stop killing each other like this because here I am, wishing so motherfucking badly for my lost love to return to me someday, God knows when, & there you people are, developing animosity by arguing so damn much. I am dying to be in your positions, to be arguing with Nazir because I miss him so damn much & I wish you guys would understand what it feels like to not be able to feel ANYTHING. & most of all, I don`t understand why I`m trying to even understand all these. God will save us all.

loml togicel indeed

Because after all these months, I still do & the little girl in me has never given up on hope. I`ve become a firm believer in God, miracles & everlasting hope. I`ve also learnt that I should not deprive someone of HOPE, because it may be all that they have. I`m trying to find myself as a person, sometimes that's not easy to do, you know.

blood

we are all waiting for that 1am phonecall. i hate to say this but i miss her already.

call me Mrs Radcliffe

I caught December Boys online. & I watched it TWICE because my favourite boy`s in it (: Oh Dannypoo, you`re the third hottest guy in my list. & on a different note, THANK YOU my favourite faggot for today (:

it doesn`t get any easier

Things are not making sense & the little girl in me gets frightened all over again, it`s like she just wants to curl under her blanket & shut her eyes.

all for you

Being with you in your moments of sorrow beats all the fun I know I`ll have clubbing tonight. So forget clubbing, I`ll be with you. Tonight is all about you & me. & there`s no where else I wanna be than with you. A friendship that`s as special as ours can only grow better through the years. So dry your tears, wash up & put on your green sweater. We`re gonna go for coffee, spend the night out & be litle girlfriends in green today (: Miss Fit`s no saviour but she`ll try to put a smile on your face.

because i`m back

HELLO all! (:

Well, I`m back, duh. Missed me much? HAHA. Flights to & fro were extremely turbulent, perhaps the most turbulent rides I`ve ever experienced in my entire life but I`m grateful everyone`s back home safe & sound (: Bali was awesomeeeeeeeee with 1000000 Es but oh so hot. I`ve got uneven tanlines & I`m probably a shade darker. Will upload the pics & blog more about it soon enough. & OH MY GOD, THE SUNSET IS ORGASMICALLY BEAUTIFUL, I SWEAR. It`s so so so so so so so so so beautiful that it can make you tear.

I seriously hope everyone is doing fine (: I`m doing good except that I sound really sexy haha because I`ve got a really bad phlegmy cough to nurse. Must be all that heat & one too many Es Soda Gembira.

ANYWAY, down to business now. In no order...

Thank you Iylia for waking up at 5-ish in the morning just to send me a goodbye msg (: Member moment sekejap because he said he`ll miss me. HAHA. IYLIA, I MISSED YOU BUT NOW I`M HOME SO IT`S GONNA BE HARD FOR YOU TO HEAR ME SAY 'I MISS YOU' THOUGH I DO (:

Thank you Raqiah for replying to my msgs at 5 before & I leave & for sending other msgs EVERY SINGLE DAY while I`m gone. You are such a darling you know that?

Thank you Dahliah for that goodbye msg & for simply being my BFF & pillar of strength. Here`s to 10 years of friendship.

Thank you Sufi for your well wishes. My apologies for not replying your texts.

Thank you Afiq for your msg. Hope you had fun in Jakarta & see you soon, buddy!(:

Thank you Aish for your msgs as well. I can`t wait to read your entries in my green notebook.

Thank you Frente, Hafiz, Zul, Andrew, Jboy & every single one of you I can`t remember all, who`ve texted me on my mobile or Friendster or emailed me. I`m not trying to act like some superstar but I got all those texts & msgs simply because I have wonderful friends who care & you don`t, so suck that! (:Thank you for your prayers & well wishes. I truly appreciate them.

Okaye Miss Fit is back but has to leave again tomorrow night for Malacca. I`ll be back on the 22nd! To all my Muslim friends, have a meaningful & blessed Hari Raya Haji. & to everyone else, take care! (:

& if there`s one thing I`ve learnt about myself from this trip, it`s gotta be my hidden penchant for ..... NVM, let it be a secret ;p

because i`m leaving

My flight`s in less than 6 hours, I`m leaving & I should be happy.

But I`m not because I feel as though something`s telling me I shouldn`t leave.

To my fav girl, I know you`re going through a stormy period, but you`ll be strong for me. Remember our pact. If you feel like crying, let it all out. When you miss me, write it all in the green notebook I`ve given you & imagine it`s me by your side, remember all the ways I`ve made you smile & laugh.

It is with all my heart that I send everyone else my love. Be good, take care & most of all, please DON`T await my return.

not quite ok

It`s just not the same when you wake up in the morning with a smile on your face when you know you lied yourself to sleep to make it better.

gg

because sometimes you have something you need to say but you can`t because the words won`t come out or you get scared or you feel stupid, so if you could write a song & sing it then you could say what you need to say & it would be beautiful. & people would listen & you wouldn`t make a complete idiot out of yourself. BUT all of us can`t be songwriters so some of us will NEVER be able to say what we`re thinking or what we want other people to know that we`re thinking so we`ll never get the chance to make things right EVER again.


On a different note, WHAT EXACTLY IS HER DAMN PROBLEM?

bon voyage

i just can`t wait to leave. 3.

i call this love

I AM DESPERATE. FOR. SLEEP. ARGHHHH.

I barely had enough last night because the kids were creating such a din even at 1am. But then again, who sleeps at sleepovers, right? My cousins from Perth, Amirul & Yasmin, are here for a month`s holiday & stayed overnight at our place. There`re 2 of them, so that`s perfectly fine with me. & Amirul`s Aussie accent is really cute & he seriously looks more & more like Utt. I`m not making this up! AND THEN, my OTHER little cousins came over at 9pm & all of us had ONE BIG DINNER. Oh trust me on this. My mum`s not much of a cook but she kept frying stuff every few minutes yesterday in preparation for the dinner. I was like 'Wow. How come you don`t cook like this everyday?' . HAHAHA. She looked at me & I was chased out of the kitchen...with a ladle. HAHAHAHA.

So yes, at 1am, the boys in the other room were talking about God knows what, with Amirul in singlet & shorts, complaining about the weather every few minutes though the temp in the room was 19 degrees. & then little Naufal, running into the girls` room every few seconds, climbing up & down the double-decked bed. God, where do these kids get ALL the energy from? HAHAHAHA.

So yes, in the end, everyone went to sleep & little Naufal slept next to me half-naked in the end. HAHAHA. Aww, he likes me! It`s REALLY hard to put kids to sleep. & this morning, my mum woke the boys up for the soccer match & found Amirul in his undies ONLY. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. & he was like, "it`s so panas, cik nana". & well, I`m certain he enjoyed 'swimming' as well because my brother who slept next to him wet the bed (yes, he still does it though he`s almost 12). HAHAHAHAHA. It`s insane, I tell you. & I bet we are all gonna have so much fun in Malacca during Hari Raya Haji coz we are gonna have a BBQ at my grandpa`s place. Oh yes, a combination of 8 families! (: Though we`re gonna miss my uncle (he`s away), Riotgrrlz (i wish you didn`t have to work) & Ayie (he`s in Egypt studying medicine for 6 freaking LONG years, yes, this one`s a future doctor), I so can picture screaming kids, lots of laughter & love (: & not forgetting, the smile on my grandpa`s face. HAHAHAHAHA. That one`s a classic. He loves it when his children & grandchildren gather at the house.

& tonight, i`ve got to go to the chalet. You know what this means? NOT MUCH SLEEP. AGAIN. Yes, you guessed that right. So clever (: I`m enjoying every moment for now. HAHAHAHA.

an ordinary day that`s hurting you

First things first, I extend my sincere condolences to Shiqa & family on the death of her beloved cousin in the fateful accident. Shiq, you know my sister is ALWAYS there for you so ring her up if you ever need anything.

On a different note, I`m finally done setting up my private blog. I don`t really think there`s really such a thing as PRIVATE blog, considering this is the www. No prizes for guessing what the address is because it`s way too similar to the one nazir & me shared which only means no one knows except the both of us. & I`ve got no intentions of telling anyone about it. I`ve been wanting to do it & well, I guess the time has arrived. I`ll still be here but I guess the more heartfelt entries will be there. There are just certain things I can`t blog about here. I don`t know. Whatever.

I`m so tired. Last night just drained the life out of me & my eyes are hurting. Bye.

then live the rest of our lives but not together

why oh whyyyy

i saw it. okaye how very disappointing but whatever lah. as if i`m not used to this. 'NABEI CHEEBONGZ' out loud like 5 times & felt A LITTLE better. Ha. Sorry cheap thrill lah. gaaaah. i think my i-don-`t-give-a-flying-fuck days are gonna make a return. & i think i need to 'NABEI CHEEBONGZ' out loud AGAIN. DISAPPOINTING LA FUCK. understand or not? URGH.

a girl like you

Thank you for cups of hot Milo with HUGE marshmellows, for singing & dancing & twirling to this song over & over again, for laughter on the bed, ears, tears & most of all, thank you for your love on a rainy day (:

I wanna grow old with you, my favourite girl. You bet I do.

if only you knew

Wet. It hasn`t rained for so long but today it`s been pouring ALL morning & afternoon & it just keeps getting heavier. Started raining the moment I woke up around 9 plus. I know this sounds corny but I really think the sky is feeling for me. Well, today`s the 5th which means...it`s SUPPOSEDLY the 7th month for us. & it just HAD TO rain, didn`t it? Sigh. It`s as if the sky is weeping because it COULD HAVE BEEN a very happy 7th, the celebration of two hearts in love but unfortunately not. & I`ve not teared so much for so long & trust me, I`ve TRIED not to think ANYTHING along the lines of love, anniversaries, kisses, letters in bottles ...basically just everything Nazir. There`s just something about today. It`s like Flashback Day or something. Like back to Day 1 kinda flashback. & it just makes me miss you more than ever, every single thing about you. It`s....depressing, because you`re just not gonna come back anymore. & I hate that.

IF ONLY YOU READ THIS, IF ONLY YOU KNEW. IF ONLY.

I know you may fall in love while you`re out there. I`m well aware of this. She`ll be great. She`ll do all the things I never had an interest in. She`ll hate all the things that you hated about me. She`ll be perfect. Just don`t ever tell me about her, okaye? Let me down gently yet cold. Make me not want to talk to you EVER again. Because I can barely handle not being with you, & I don`t know what it would do to me if I knew you loved another.


You know what? I think life doesn`t hurt until we realise how much things have changed, who we`ve lost, & how much of it was our own fault. & just because it`s the truth doesn`t mean that it doesn`t fuck you up inside. I`ve made GRAVE mistakes but they`re no longer mistakes. They`ve become something different... a choice, an option. It`s either I move on OR I stay like this for the longest time. & I get so frustrated thinking about what I ought to do because I want no other damn person to touch & love me the way he did. God knows how damn hard it has been.

You know, I don`t know why but I feel pretty sick right now & it`s best if I go. Here`s to what could have been. happy 7th.

Goodbye.


[edit] it`s like 1627 now & it`s still raining & it doesn`t look like it`ll stop anytime soon. So weird. The sky IS sad for me, I guess. Ha. [/edit]

here we go AGAIN

you know, i THOUGHT this wasn`t supposed to happen to me because I`m free from the shackles of 29th Dec AND considering the number of multi-coloured pills(pink, white, blue, yada yada yada..seems like ALL the colours EXCEPT green, can u believe it?) i have to pop EVERY SINGLE DAY because of it & goddammit it`s fucking torturous. I am going to cry tonight because of my tummy AND my stools. & maybe it`ll be a good idea if i sleep in the toilet tonight. Gah.

afraid

I don`t know. It`s like every night, before I go to sleep, I`ll draw the curtains but I`ll ALWAYS leave a gap & not draw them fully, just so I can see the rays of the Sun shining through the next morning. It`s like I know I`m still alive, that I`m able to live & experience a new day, just as long as I leave that gap. I know, totally silly. & it`s like a representation of my heart - I can`t move on totally. There`s like this gap meant just for you. To walk on, to fly above, whatever, just as long as you make your way back. Someday, somehow. The gap will always be there, it`s like a path or runway for you. Just you. But I`ve been too hopeful & I think it`s about time I learn to live with the 'possibility' of 'never, ever'. It scares me. Alot. It really does.

The sun`s going to shine, & the rain`s going to fall, & in the end you might get burnt or wet, but that`s life. So dance in the puddles and bathe in the sun, and at the end of the day, just smile. Everything`s going to be all right, Fit. Everything. single. damn. thing. So chin up, supergirl. Aren`t you supposed to be strong, Fitriyanna? =\

(:

I missed you alot today. Like alot alot & I don`t know why. So I went to my secret place on my own & sat at the same place where we last sat. How bloody emo of me. & I brought like 3 packets of tissue paper just in case. But I used none because for some odd reason, I didn`t cry. I even walked away smiling because I realise that we don`t stop loving someone, it`s more of just learning to deal with the pain of not having the person we love anymore. I think today, it feels like the entire world`s singing to me (: But I still miss you. It`s okaye to miss. For some odd reason, I wanted to kick all the phantoms I saw. Tomorrow I`ll get over you if I just get through tonight.

Today is a hare pee day (: Today was a hare pee day. IS WAS IS WAS IS WAS IS WAS.

-shrugs

push me down already

Things said or sung take on different meanings at different times in different people`s lives. What means NOTHING to YOU could at this point in another`s life, mean EVERYTHING to them. So bearing that in mind, who are any of us to be able to say what means something and what doesn`t? What is important and what is not? NO ONE in this world has the authority to decide that for anyone else. We decide that for ourselves. Be considerate and be kind because everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle, whether you know it or not.

in the eyes of others

NOTE: ETREMELY LENGTHY ENTRY

Yesterday turned out to be one of the greatest days so far. Well, I certainly hope it meant a good start of the month (:

Went down to Yayasan Mendaki at Kee Sun Avenue for my Volunteers` Orientation. I thought it would be an ordinary day but I thought wrong. Indeed. It seemed like the people who sat next to me were talking about their life stories. Yes, they told ME, a complete stranger, about their lives.

Imagine this - You were just sitting down, waiting for the orientation to begin & the usual, "is this seat taken?" takes place. So you exchanged greetings & started introducing yourselves. On my right was a girl named Aisya. She really, really surprised me. She sort of marched towards me & I got pretty intimidated. Like, why in the world does this girl look so darn excited to sit next to me?!! LOL. & then,


Aisya: YOU LOOK VERY FAMILIAR!!!!
Me: Umm, really? You are?
Aisya: I am Aisya. ARE YOU FROM RAFFLES?
Me: RAFFLES? noooo. Haha.
Aisya: But you look very familiar.
Me: Well, I get that alot. From girls & guys alike.
Aisya: OH!!! YOU KNOW ADILA FROM TP?
Me: Why yes of course. I was her track mate.
Aisya: Oh you are that girl!!! What's your name ah? Tell me, tell me.
Me: Umm. Nurul Fitriyanna. Fit.
Aisya: Yah!!! I saw your pictures on Adila`s Friendster last time & I always ask her "Eh aku nak bebual dengan budak ni! Macam mana nak bebual dengan dia eh?"
Me: umm haha okaye..well here i am! (you can so see that I was dumbfounded at this point & I had NO IDEA how to react)

& then we just talked & she eventually told me about her clinical depression & how it started affecting school & friends. I listened intently, processing her every word into my brain. & then it hit me hard. She has NO ONE to talk to because everyone`s turning their back on her upon knowing her depression. I felt that the least I could do was look into her eyes, & provide a listening ear. I was glad to listen eventhough she got pretty carried away at certain times. It must have taken her much courage to open up to me, a stranger in her life. But I look at it this way - I am no longer a stranger to her. I have no idea what it`s like to be popping anti-depressants, to be visiting the psychologist, to be suffering from depression. But I admire her courage to go out & be a volunteer & be strong. Aisya, if you ever read this one day, I want you to know that despite suffering from depression, I know you are an emotionally stronger person than me & you may not know it but you`ve taught me a valuable lesson about strength & for that, I admire you. I hope that you`ll be able to overcome the hurdles in life. I thank God that our paths crossed.

& on my left was Mdm Rosmah, a really sweet mother who brought her 2 really adorable kids along. One of them, Maisarah, was a special child. I didn`t expect Mdm Rosmah to talk to me much because she was busy attending to her kids. & then I was reading & she suddenly told me that when Maisarah was a baby, her maid had dropped her on the floor. When I heard that, my heart stopped beating for a beat or two. & she went on telling me her difficulties raising a special child. Throughout our talk, I kept silent. You know what? I admire her, I really do. Raising a child is difficult, what more a special child. I played with Maisarah & though she`s just a child, the innocence in her eyes touched my heart, it made me tear for some reason. It`s like here is a child, born healthy & complete, but an accident occured & it has, & forever will change her future, her life. & Mdm Rosmah, really is a strong mother (:


So they were 2 strangers who sat next to me & in such a short period of time, they`ve taught me valuable lessons in life. I look at it as an honour, that two unknown people walk into my life, sit next to me & tell me their life stories. How many of us actually open up to strangers? We live in a world where we are so afraid of opening up, afraid of being vulnerable. You know, sometimes, learning doesn`t take place when we`ve made our fair share of mistakes only. Sometimes, other people`s experiences in life teach us meaningful lessons as well. People do not ask for sympathy, but they seek empathy. But we have to be very careful when empathising. At times, we feel their pain, but we will NEVER know what exactly it feels like.

The rest of the orientation session went well. I got to know more people & there was this really cute grandma I made friends with (: & she was like, "Kalau dekat luar jumpa nenek, tegur nenek ye. Kadang kadang nenek tak ingat muka". & I smiled & gave her a half hug. She was really cute. In my heart, I was like, "you make me miss my nenek." & then there was Diah, an Indonesian student undergoing her Masters at NUS. Really nice lady to talk to (: It was nice to be around people from diverse backgrounds. From a police inspector to students who`ve just completed their O levels.

I guess the best part of the orientation that happened to me was when one of the senior volunteers approached me at the end & told me that based on their obervation, they`ve elected me as an Orientation Sustenance Crew (OSC). You know, this means alot to me because not everyone gets elected & out of the 30 odd people who were present, only 2 were chosen & we weren`t even allowed to disclose it to the rest. I am truly grateful for being granted this opportunity. Thank You, God & thank you to the really nice senior, Nisa, who elected me (:

I`ve not started on ANY volunteer work, yet, the journey so far has been truly amazing. It is the greatest reward to me when strangers trust me with their life stories, when I saw the smile on that Grandma`s face when I hugged her, when I saw how Diah`s face lit up when I approached her at the end of the session just to wish her, "All the best for your exams, D." It truly inspires me to reach out to others. & I really hope that I`ll learn to see things in a different view. I admit that I`m no Mother Teresa, i`m just an ordinary being who wishes to learn from others & sincerely help them. I believe that God has granted me a special gift and He has planted seeds of compassion and humanity in me. I believe that the people we meet along the way will always touch us in some way & every single one of them, is capable of teaching us subtle lessons in life.

My aspirations & inspirations still stand. I aspire to clinch that Honours Degree by 2011 & I want to live my childhood dream after that. To fly & see the world, to be an air stewardess. & then I`ll return after two years to join the Police Force & be of service to the nation. & then continue with my Masters. Right now, I see volunteering as a stepping stone, a service to the community. It`s the possibility that keeps me going & though you may call me a dreamer or fool or any other thing, I believe that anything is possible. DON`T tell me the sky`s the limit when there are footprints on the moon. I have faith in myself, though at times, I may be lost. I`ve always believed in 2 very important things that will guide me through, no matter what - 1) The power of prayers & faith in God 2) Blessings from parents. You can have all the luxury in the world, the world`s best job, the world`s best friends but if you don`t have these two, your life won`t be complete. Though you THINK it is, truth is, it isn`t.

My life is my message.
- Mahatma Ghandi

It`s times like these when I wish Nazir would be by my side & see me grow as an individual, because he has been my pillar of strength and I want to share my experiences with my loved ones, & he will always be my heart`s weakness. It truly saddens me & I can`t help but succumb to tears when I think of it. I`ve got to face facts. But right now, there is no greater joy than sharing this with you - the people who`ve been reading my blog. I know this may sound corny, but I`d like to somehow make a difference in people`s lives. & I hope I have. It`s my overwhelming optimism in the poeple I`ve met, that everything is wonderful til proven crap. I want to leave a touch of that to everyone when I go.

Here`s a special part dedicated to my tagger, Maisara. Be strong. You are your own pillar of strength. Our struggle now to get over the person we love is NOTHING compared to what many others are experiencing. The struggle of a mother trying to raise a special child, the struggle of an orphan, the struggle of a rape victim. Just what ARE our love problems compared to what THEY, the millions of others out there, are experiencing? Everyone thinks they have the world`s greatest problems but there will always, always be others who are in a worse position than us. Keep your faith. God will always be the guiding force in our lives. & you, my dear, will never walk alone. Life`s little bruises & bumps make us who we are, so don`t you ever regret anything. YOU are capable of clearing the obstacles before you or you can be lost in the maze forever. I hope that you would be able to be strong WITH me & you know you can always email me if there`s anything. My addresses are on the left.

I would like to share this with all of you, - a part of an email from a stranger who has been reading my blog for the longest time.

"Truly, all I can say is that listen to your heart. That is where God speaks. It never lies. The voice in your mind would lie a lot but the voice that speaks from your heart holds truth. I suggest you pray and ask for guidance. "
-Adam Hudzaifah

(:

hello fit

i`m in the i-want-to-kiss-&-hug-everyone mood today :D

light up, light up

I haven`t been thinking about Nazir that much. Not as much as I used to because I`m in the process of clearing my emotional closet, not because there`s anyone else that I wanna get involved with. I mean, he`s still the one I love but okaye things just can`t be, right? So okaye fine. Yeah okaye easier said than done. Whatever, I`m so not in the mood for any sort of elaboration. & about moving on. Isn`t that what he expects me to do? In fact, it`s what everyone wants me to do. To get out of this emotional rut.

But it`s freaking me out that I`ve been dreaming of him for 3 consecutive nights already. Just when I`m coming to terms with things, slowly accepting & moving on for real. I seriously wouldn`t have minded if it was bad dreams but they aren`t. They are like super sweet dreams then I wake up & feel sucky coz only then I realise it`s a fricking dream. The kind which made you wish you didn`t wake up or something. What the hell, seriously. What. the. hell. I know dreams are beyond our control. Whatever, don`t talk to me about lucid dreaming. Just not now. Yeah okaye where was I? Dreams. Right. Okaye yea I just don`t get it why I`m dreaming now. It could have been last week or month. Not when I`m doing okaye with moving on. It just makes me think about it ALL OVER AGAIN. Subconsciously or not. God, this is SO hindering my progress. Like totally. Urgh.

Sometimes I just don`t get it. I really don`t. & I don`t understand what`s there to understand. Can anyone comprehend my frustration & over reaction right now? Maybe not. I can`t, either. I`m just damn cranky today. Must be the cycle. So forgive me. I shall take my leave now.

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

& to whom it may concern, you know who you are. Don`t bother looking into my forlorn eyes if there`s something you want to know. Just ask.

I`m mentally exhausted. Sleep on it again tonight. What`s new? Just do it. Tomorrow`s Dec. Month of Madness. &&& I feel like walking around flashing my middle finger. I know it`s retarded but just for the thrill of it. I don`t know? Haha okaye I`m cracking myself up because I can imagine myself doing it. HAHA. okaye cranky girl out.

SIAPA TU POMPUAN

Okaye I was feeling crappy when I got home after the 5 km run because I stepped on... fucken poo. DOG POO. CAT POO. I DON`T KNOW LA. & then I went to Iylia`s Friendster page & lmao when I saw that Youtube video he posted. I`ve got no idea where he got it from but the girl is fucken irritating yet funny. Not funny as in funny funny. But funny wth funny. Get what I mean? Okaye no.

"SIAPA TU POMPUAN? AKU NAK JUMPA KAU SEKARANG. KAU KAT MANA? KAU KAT MANA? AKU NAK JUMPA KAU. KAU KAT MANAAAA??!! SIAPA TU POMPUAN? KAU KAT MANA? SIAPA TU POMPUAN LA PUKIMAK"

Imagine yelling that into your mobile in the train. Yes in the MRT. Oh wait, it`s not yelling. It`s SCREAMING AND SOBBING AT THE SAME TIME. Sheesh. Weirdo. But then again, God knows how hard it must be for the girl.

EH I STEPPED ON POO .
AKU PIJAK TAIK! AKU PIJAK TAIK. TU TAIK APA?! KAU BILANG AKU! TU TAIK APA?! AKU NAK JUMPA ITU TUAN TAIK!

you leave me high & dry

I don`t want to look at you, because if I do, I would never turn away. & you know what scares me now? The fact that you`re better than him & I`m just not sure if I`m ready just yet. At the same time, I don`t want to miss this chance. You`re more than just a handsome face. You really, really, really, really are.


He`s always, always the only one I think of in the middle of the night or in the wee hours of the morning but it`s 0230 now & I must say you`ve been on my mind more than he has. & I don`t know. I don`t know why it scares me so much.

I`m not sure if I`ll ever live to see the day I`m NOT confused. Ha. Fit, Fit, Fit. Tsk.


[edit]

Geez. I`m DEAD. I`m supposed to meet up with a gazillion people now that the holidays are here. People like Hidz, Aish, Frente, Hafiz, Sufi, Afiq, Iylia, Adly, Dahliah, Zaz, Riotgrrlz. I actually crossed out the dates I`m unavailable. I`ve got a month`s holiday BUT I only have 10 days to spare my loved ones & all those people whom I owe a meeting/party/clubbing/coffee/movies/shopping/catch-up sessions.

I`ll be busy babysitting Manesh at West Coast (God, it`s my first & I hope he`s not a brat, but I know he is) next week on my grandma`s behalf since she`ll be away to KL, & then there`s the sending & fetching Faiz to the Old P.A EVERY DAY from the 3rd to 7th for his Police Soccer Clinic thingamajig & I so have to come down for his match on the 8th. I`m such a good sister, I know. HAHA. I`ll bring a banner okaye. HAHA. & Riotgrrlz, if you`re available, please come down to Old P.A with Hazim or something on the 8th as well because Hadizul & Naufal are in it as well so I guess the entire family will be there. Rosnah`s & Rudin`s that is. HAHA. & I think it`d be fun to see the boys on the field. & you know, family bonding kinda thing. HAHAHA.

Then I`ll be busy with the day camps & trainings with Summerville for the kids next week onwards AS WELL & that`s like ALL OVER SG & then off for a trip to Bali & when I return, intensive gym trainings with Khairul, the gym guy. I`ve booked my gym slots. Omg it`s madness. I`ve got weights & endurance trainings. I totally need to get my body & fitness back before the touch rugby trainings in January. On a brighter note, I`ll be getting my pacs soon. They so have been long gone since I stopped track trainings. HAHA.

I know. It doesn`t sound like a holiday but I`m intentionally keeping myself occupied for ..we all know what reason. I`ll just sink into depression if I sit at home whole day long & allow you-know-what to affect me. & I think the theme for the holidays this round is... KIDS. hahaha

But from now till Sunday, it`s ME time. Me, books, SLEEP, TV. Nothing else.

[/edit]

i want this baby

ZOMG. SONY CYBERSHOT T2 IN LIME GREEN. 8.1 megapixel, touch screen

*Fit goes cross-eyed*

HAHAHAHA.



I SMELL IT. I SMELL IT. I SMELL IT. I SMELL IT. I SMELL IT.

*chants*

I SMELL FREEDOM IN 9 HOURSSSSSSSS (: &&& I CAN ALREADY SMELL MY BRAND NEW HEELS WHEN I GO SHOPPING WITH MUM AFTER MY PAPER LATER. I`m a happy girl today, even happier if the FA paper`s manageable later (:

I think it was the unprecedented serenity I experienced after prayers last night. It was somewhat different. Surreal`s a word too subtle to describe it. So that PROBABLY explains my mood for now (:

Dancing rabbits on the floor (: I remember that (: Always keeps me going each time I`m stuck at a question. HAHA.

I`ve got a heavy heart to lug, but an even stronger will to keep me going (:

GO, FIT, GO! (:

*wiggles ass, crinkles nose & jumps around with pompoms*

See, i`m my own cheerleader (: An excellent one, that is. HAHAHA.







P.S no prizes for guessing what colour this happy girl will be dressed in today. HAHAHA.

the one who sleep talks

at 3.45am,

frente: do you think you will?
me: the thing is blue.

frente: what blue?
me: inspirasi tutup.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. CRAPCAKE. I`M STARTING TO SLEEP TALK. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. & fyi, inspirasi is my fav mee soto stall at Bedok Intchng & it`s undergoing some reno works or something & God knows why I told her that. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. & truth be told, I HAVE GOT NO IDEA what she said AT ALL. It went on for like 15 mins or so & she finally hung up. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

i am supergirl

PROMISE ME YOU WON`T CRY. PROMISE, PROMISE, PROMISE ME. IMAGINE I`M THERE ON YOUR BED. CAN YOU PICTURE MY SMILE? CAN YOU PICTURE MY SILLY FACE? THAT SILLY EXPRESSION I ALWAYS DO WHEN I SEE TEARS IN YOUR EYES & THEN YOU LOOK UP & START TO SMILE? & the warmness in my embrace when we both begin to cry together after that?

Now silly girl, you CANNOT cry without me. & remember our pact? Wednesday, I promise. Even if saving you sends me to heaven (or hell). Always, always. God willing. I`ll be there on Wednesday.

For you, I`ll be strong. Now, chin up & wipe those tears away. Your supergirl is still around, you know, albeit a bitten heart and stormy days. OKAYE HERE`S A HUG FROM 941 TO 32. HAHA. LOVE YOU APLENTY LAAAA, IDIOT(:

&&& you are the flower & i`m the.... stalk or soil or leaf. okaye okaye i choose leaf because it`s green (:

okaye la. I`M A CONDOM. I PROTECT YOU WHEN THINGS GET HARD. HAHAHA (:

STOP CRYING ALREADY!

*does a funny face & hugs my fav girl*

& just so you know, i`m going down with you.

CWANKY

I KNOW i said i`ll be back on the 28th. Anyway, I`ve got no idea what made me blog about the convo. & before ANYONE accuses me of anything, Mr. Climber is happily attached & me? I`m extremely cRanky today.

I`m in the let-me-be-self-centred-bitchy-annoying-demanding-today-because-I-am-running-a-38.4-degrees-celsius-fever-and-i-have-exams-tomorrow-onwards-and-i`m-feeling-giddy-and-don`t-need-to-deal-with-more-crap-and-i-am-ignoring-all-phone-calls-and-messages-on-my-hp-so-don`t-bother-me-at-all-and-allow-me-to-be-cranky mood.

Despite feeling utmost crappy, I`d be glad to make CERTAIN exceptions & pick up your calls or reply your messages. I need to sleep because there`s like an imaginary rock on my head right now but I MUST mug. Biz Stats, I love you so. & dear body, why oh why must you fail on me like, now? -.-" Must be the germs from Nurul Faradella. Urgh. I`m her elder sister so it`s okaye. We should all blame the younger ones NO MATTER WHAT, especially the middle child. haha.

hey mr. climber

Mutual attraction. This is weird. The entire convo was. Short & simple but deep.

Mr. Climber: rebound?
Me: mmm. you think so?
Mr. Climber: no...maybe attraction.

Me: LUSSSSST. HAHAHAHA.

Mr. Climber: could be...maybe it's my muscles and your .....

Me: like shut up already, haha. security laaa (:
Mr. Climber: anything can happen little girl

Me: catch me if you can (:
Mr. Climber: i'll beat you...

okaye fine, i`ll shut up. i`m not telling you who this isssssss ;p

back on the 28th (:

of rising temp and leaking nose

CHEEBONGZ. like of all the timing la fuck. & where`s my TAGBOARD AH?

tell me what this is

you make me have butterflies in my tummy. you have his eyes. maybe that`s why.

-shrugs

i am cranky, hear me roar

Why do people think it`s okaye for them to do horrible things to other people as long as they apologise afterwards?



grrr. you are so taking advantage of MY ability to forgive others easily.

& i`ll be there by your side

I think it`s the not seeing that KILLS me. I wished he was still residing in Sg, then that would make it all easier. But unfortunately not. He has aged so much since my grandma passed away 3 years ago. I TRULY CANNOT imagine how he lives every single day, knowing that the person he loved and spent almost more than 60 years with will NEVER ever return. Slowly, I got used to it but there are days, even till today, when I secretly go to the other room in the middle of the night, & I open the closet just to get a whiff of her clothes. & the familiarity overwhelms me so much sometimes that I just recite a prayer for her, sit & cry helplessly & then allow myself to get lost in that moment.

the human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. that death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed.
- the five people you meet in heaven by mitch albom

My heart just dropped each time I hear him wake up so many times in the middle of last night. I know, because I was awake as well. I no longer see many smiles on his face & it truly hurts me. I guess that when the love of your life leaves you eternally, life goes on but somehow, it loses meaning. We attach ourselves so strongly to people that when they`re gone, a part of us is gone too.

His health has been deteriorating & though he`s so far away & only comes over like once every 5 months, sometimes I wish I could do so much more. I couldn`t help but get all so teary-eyed when I kissed him before he went away just now. & before Dad drove off, he teased my brother and I could see that he was getting all teary as well. God knows what was going through his mind. & when Dad finally drove off with him in the front seat, I just stood helplessly for a moment & before I knew it, my brother`s eyes were red as well. Here is an 11-year-old boy, who only thinks of nothing but play, but seeing his red eyes just got me thinking that he is afraid as well. Life`s so darn fragile. It truly is. There`s TOO MUCH at stake & you just can`t afford to be picking fights with everyone, hurting them, hating them, losing them & not treasuring them.

& Dear God, I really wish you`d put me off this emotional rollercoaster because I REALLY feel like I`m on the brink of depression. One more disappointment or heartache, & there I go. I can`t stand this fragility any longer. I really, really, can`t.

i believe that the heart does go on

Do you ever just sit down and start blogging? & everything going through your head just pours onto the page, & when you reread it, it doesn`t make sense, but you know its meaning, because your mind jumps around so much when you just let go, you lose all control. All of your heart, your soul, is on that page, & you become so vulnerable to the world.

Today, I woke up feeling more afraid than ever & I do not know why. I can`t stand this emptiness, I swear.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

- Nelson Mandela

storm clouds may gather & stars may collide

To my favourite couple, I pray that things will get better. Love unconditionally & keep your faith in God. Sometimes, seeing both of you quarrel makes me wonder why nazir and me didn`t argue over such big matters. Such matters that when resolved, make you a better & stronger couple.

I can`t say much because it isn`t easy to be a listening ear to the both of you at the same time & it`s hard knowing BOTH of you read this space but you know that I love you both & you`ve become this couple whom I look up to because you`ve been through SO MUCH & still, your love prevails. It`s so much easier for me to say things to others but no one can really heed their own advice.

All I wanna say is this. Sometimes the hardest things to say are the things that really, really matter. & that there is NO greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. I know how sad it is to hide from something you really want or need. Sometimes you resort to lies because you are so damn afraid that your partner would be hurt but you did the thing that you lied about because you HAD to, because of certain circumstances. Even if you had the right intentions. But often times, when the lies surface, the other party misunderstands. No matter how much you explain, you just can`t change their mind. AND when you lose that one person, you`ve got no reason to blame anyone else but yourself. The thing or person that`s involved in that lie DOES NOT GIVE A HOOT about the both of you, whether you guys are together or not, arguing or not, happy or not. So, DON`T allow the relationship to end because of a lie which concerns SOMEONE else. But most of all, no more lying to each other.

At this point, I really want nothing more than to see the both of you locked in each other`s arms again, PDA-ing in front of me (haha). I`ve seen how your ups & downs have moulded you into better people, both individually & as a couple. It`s times like these, when important issues like trust are tested, that your LOVE for each other is tested as well. It`s at this point of time that your LOVE will make things work. YES, love alone isn`t sufficient in a relationship but for now, in order to make things work, it is.

Hafiz, you know how you feel about her. Remember how you told me when you see her your palms start to sweat, your heart races and you become really nervous? How you`re scared to make a complete fool of yourself and how`d you do anything for her? & how you`d always call me in the middle of the night just to update me about your dates? Trust me, for as long as I`ve known you, I have NEVER heard such happiness in your voice. It`s when you start talking about her that I truly know how much you really do love her, despite her flaws. Remember what actually made you fall for her, remember all your firsts & no matter how mad you are right now, remembering all that will at least remind you that this relationship is worth saving because your love for each other will overshadow all the negativity right now.

Frente, you know what he means to you. You know that as we get older, things like relationships hold greater meaning. You just don`t fall in & out of love, get in & out of different relationships, because slowly, you start to know how sacred loving someone can be. This is not secondary school. This is not puppy love. It`s in his love that you find a greater meaning in life. Love, isn`t everything, but it`s in everyone`s hearts. & it`s up to you how you show it to that one person. I`m looking at things from a 3rd party`s pov & I MUST say this, I can`t promise that things will fall into place, but it will DEFINITELY make the both of you stronger.

I believe in the both of you. So chin up, MEET UP AND TALK, even if it means throwing slippers at each other (I so remember this, HAHA), & it will help to inject a little humour AFTER everything is resolved. SO HURRY, KISS AND MAKE UP ALREADY. One day, when you`re happily married with kids or something, you`re so gonna laugh at all these because YOUNG LOVE is just funny, full of angst, full of ego, full of trivial arguments, full of everything. But it is the nicest feeling to laugh WITH the person you shared all these madness with.

& dear God, it`s ok that my relationship with the person I love didn`t work out, but I pray that You would guide my favourite couple & make them happy. If i have to be sad, then make my friends happy.





& yeah, I miss him a great deal. I`ve told him once that I`d rather argue with him EVERYDAY than not have him AT ALL. It still stands. But I guess I`ll come to terms with things someday, when I`m ready. Moving on isn`t a one time thing. I do it every day, over & over again. &&&& as we all know, I haven`t been pretty successful. One day, maybe.

Love can touch us one time

And last for a lifetime

And never let go till we're gone

Love was when I loved you

One true time I hold to

In my life we'll always go on

Ash Wednesday

There`s something familiar about despair. It`s like a soft, old blanket. I know depression. I feel welcomed there. To believe that my life may be full of joy, laughter and understanding fills me with so much fear of disappointment that i would prefer to smoke a cigarette and not believe at all. I either want everything to be magic or mythic or i want to be dead.



Job well done, Nurul Fitriyanna. You stayed up till late to complete the past semesters Financial Accounting papers & you overslept this morning. You fucking overslept on the day of your last F.A lecture & it`s the ONLY morning lecture for this semester. Pathetic. You are, not the lecture.

like how fucking 'great'

Sigh. The damn card. The damn letter. I`m such a PROCRASTINATOR. That & the fact that I didn`t know WHAT exactly to write. Now, look. You can go keep them in the drawer, Fit. Like...forever.

choke choking choked

oh. umm. great. i guess?

watch me on the field

TOUCH RUGBY! :D

irate

Yeah, I lost my love & part of my life. But i`m still sane enough to know that no matter what, I`m still in control of MY life. The rest is up to God. I`m fucked up but not THAT fucked up. That 7-letter word which begins with a goddamn capital R isn`t gonna happen to me because I won`t allow it to. Yeah, there ARE people lingering, waiting. I`m not denying that. Or if you`d like me to be precise, there are 4. Even when I was still with Nazir, there were 2. But, really, SO WHAT? SO FUCKING WHAT? I am SO DARN SICK of being a magnet to all the WRONG kind of guys out there. Yeah, & who am I to judge them? But look, I am building my defence & I am not gonna allow anyone to tear down my walls that easily. I`m not allowing any Tom, Dick or Harry to penetrate through these walls. At the rate I`m going, I know I`m capable of being in a goddamn rebound 'relationship' but like I`ve said, I`m fucked up but not THAT fucked up. Given what I was like, or rather, what I used to be before I was with One or Nazir, it would be of no surprise to my close friends if one of these days, I tell them that I`m involved with one of the 4 guys. or 2 or 3. Whichever. BUT i`m sorry to burst your damn bubble, if you`re expecting me to blog about that kinda shit, then don`t bother because that`s not gonna happen. Fuck rebound. I`m not gonna be more fucked up. & say what you like, but I`m not on a damn rebound because I don`t see the need to lie to myself & though I`ve created enough shit for Nazir and though he`s pissed me off a gazillion times, I just know that those aren`t good reasons for me to be on a damn rebound. Bottomline, there is NO reason for me to be on the rebound.

Yeah, I`ve become this forlorn person who can cry randomly when one thought of him crosses my mind. Yeah I made alot of mistakes but I`m still so fucking in love with him. Yeah, I can`t get over him yet. Yeah, I`ve become more angsty & my vocabulary of vulgarities is expanding. Yeah, I blog about it all. I don`t know who the fuck has been reading my blog, but I don`t care. It is my decision to blog & it is foolish of me to say things like, 'oh this is MY blog, MY space, fuck off people' because this is the goddamn World Wide Web and if I want to say stupid things like that, I might as well not blog. But if you think this is all asking for sympathy or me being bitter or whatever shit, then don`t return, seriously. You know my entries are gonna be like this, so why bother? I mean, seriously, if you think of it. But it ticks me off when I get fucking anonymous emails because if YOU want to send me crap like that, have the decency to leave your name because I would like to know what your fucking problem with me is. You have already done enough snooping around this blog AND you want to leave anonymous emails. I think you must be mental. Fucking mental. Each time I receive an email from you, I delete it because it`s not worthy of space in my mailbox. If you`re getting frustrated that I`ve replied to NONE of your emails like goddammit 5 emails in a week and I`m not even saying anything, if it`s attention from me that you want, if you want me to blog about how fucking annoying you`ve been, here it is. Part of a paragraph just for you.

Okaye I`m done. This entry has been my honest so far. Accounts is calling me. & truth is, I`d rather sit & do the fricking past papers for Financial Accounting eventhough I hate that damn subject instead of figuring out why this anonymous faggot is behaving the way IT is. I mean, the relationship is so over already, so why are you even sending me emails like NOW? Sheesh. & in Zul`s words, 'sekarang masalahnya apa ni?'.

mow-tee-vay-shen or something like it

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NOT.

scared out of my wits

& that was the 5th time or something. I`d better stop listening to the damn radio at FULL BLAST and be vigilant when crossing the road because God might not save me for a 6th time. & when that happens, you people can check me out in the Orbituary in the papers.

petrified

I swear that this is scaring the shit out of me. It`s not supposed to.

:D

Thank You, God for answering my prayers.. I am eternally grateful because I went for a checkup this morning AND I am free from the shackles of 29th Dec. YAY!!!!!!!!!! :D

rock a bye baby on the treetop

The whole bunch of them was sitting in the living room after the recital of the Yaasin & I got a little bored because they were talking about bikes. I squeezed in between Aish & Frente & started playing with Khairul on my lap. Guys, jealous much? Someone got to be on my lap & be smothered with kisses. HAHAHA. Okaye anyway, HE HAS GOT TO BE THE CUTEST BABY. & you guys underestimated me. He didn`t drop from my arms. So Zul, your 'Eh Fit..dah kurus kering macam mana nak angkat baby. His thighs are fatter than your wrist.' was SO unnecessary NAK MAMPOS. & Aish, your 'I think you will make him cry' was darn annoying. I had a feeling the baby was sleepy so while everyone was talking, I actually sang a fricking lullaby & everyone had a good laugh for like 15 minutes. What idiots, right?

Me: Rock a bye baby on the treetop, when the wind blows, the cradle will talk.

OKAYE I JUST FORGOT THE WORD WAS 'ROCK' SO I SANG 'TALK' though it doesn`t make sense but at least it rhymed!!!

& then everyone became silent, looked at me like I just grew an erected dick & eventually laughed like lunatics. CRAZY.
I was annoyed so the only thing I said was, 'WHAT, STOP LAUGHING. THAT`S LIKE THE ONLY LULLABY I KNOWWWWW. WHAT`S SO FUNNYYYYYYY ?'

Retarded idiots laughed till they cried.

& after half hr, I was very pleased upon looking at all their 8 faces when they saw how peaceful Khai slept in my boobs, sorry, i mean, arms.

Zul: Mana Fit? Diam je.

Aish: Beside me

& then I looked up & everyone stared at me because they didn`t know I could actually hold a baby, what more put him to sleep OR sing a damn lullaby, though it`s lyrically incorrect. You see, my friends are annoying because they think I`m this brat who hates babies & the only babies I play with are those stupid botak baby dolls with eyes open like 24/7 and they only close when you 'terbalik' it. DOES ANYONE GET WHAT I`M SAYING? Okaye nvm. Point is, a baby slept in my arms & maybe you guys should have seen how much fun we had instead of being so engrossed in your conversation about bikes for like an hour and totally forgot my presence because it`s one topic I can never say something about? HAHAHA.

Anyway, random, I like that colourful kueh. Like damn cool. So does anyone need me to put him/her to sleep now? Lullaby included. HAHAHAHAHA.

life is full circle

Deep down, everyone wants to believe they can be hardcore. But being hardcore isn’t just about being tough. It’s about acceptance. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hardcore for once. You don’t have to be tough every minute of every day. It’s okay to let down your guard. In fact there are moments when it’s the best thing you can possibly do… as long as you choose your moments wisely.

-Meredith Grey

I`m really sorry but I just can`t go on developing such negative feelings for the person I`ve always loved. Everybody says things they don`t mean. & I swear that I never did hate you, even in my moments of anger. Someday, you`ll know. & I hope that one day, you can find it in your heart, to forgive me for every single thing that mattered. Right now, maybe, just maybe it`s best if I slip away. You`ll always be in my prayers. I miss you bad, NJ.

in limbo

I don`t know what it is but despite all my mistakes, I just know it shouldn`t be this way. Maybe that`s why I can`t slip away yet. & accounts just makes it all worse. It`s been 7 weeks of goddamn Financial Accounting & I can`t even produce a PROPER & CORRECT Trading Profit & Loss Statement WITHOUT referring to the format. & exams are in 11 damn days. God, give me my strongest & best subject already. Econs Econs Econs Econs. I ONLY WANT ECONS. But I`ll have to wait till the last sem. But honestly right now, I cannot stand Accounting. I`ve tried loving it. Oh trust me, I have.

...

Aching longing. The worst I`ve felt so far.

a little tenderness

I want to appreciate the times when moments are made into memories. I want to embrace them, cherish them, & never forget that they come so few and so far between. I know that wherever life takes me, these moments will always follow. They remind me of what`s truly important. It`s not just life but living. It`s the journey, the destination, and all the points i see in between. I`m loving the crescent tonight. The tranquility of the night`s making me all warm & fuzzy inside.

I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listen
She left before I had the chance to say
The words that would mend the things that were broken
But now it's far too late, she's gone away

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me? Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe that

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

The taste of your breath, I'll never get over
The noises that you made kept me awake
The weight of things that remaind unspoken
Built up so much it crushed us everyday

like so whatever

0930 was a test. Enough said.

warmness on the soul

I`ve been on rare bitch form as of late. No no, it`s not my cycle because it`s just meeeeeee. Angst is no good. Especially mine, I admit this because it ALWAYS creates some sort of mess that can`t be cleared. My fury blinds me. Oh the things I say in my moments of disarray. I promised myself I`d never again find myself in a position where I`m not in control of my life. Here`s to the beauty of letting go of young, fiery love. It was undeniably something, but now, we are just ...people. I`m a firm believer in sometimes, it`s right to do the wrong thing. Honestly, at times, I can`t quite comprehend my state of mind. Mmmm. I know I can`t go on with hatred. Momentary hatred, yes, maybe, but definitely not everlasting because that`s just not the way I am with people. If you can`t forgive me, then...then so be it. The One above will. & that matters the most. Thank God for faith & the power of prayers.

I`m been thinking of moving to LJ since forever. A brand new start. A brand new beginning. Let bygones be bygones. We`ll see. For now, there are lots of other matters in hand to be resolved. I pick the people in my life by the beating of their hearts, not the swelling of their heads. Things happen & it`s not a good reason to shut the world out.

April May June July August September, you left me too soon. I wish you never did. I wanna leave November before it leaves me first.


Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive

Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go

Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love

Look me in the heart and unbreak broken

It won't happen

It's love that leaves and breaks

The seal of always thinking you would be real happy, and healthy, strong and calm

Where does the good go? Where does the good go?

haha

because it always leads me home. & for the first time yesterday, she said what she felt & i smiled because i agreed. yes, it`s impure (: but i said i`ll never have to deal with it again.

we`re empty

Last night was stupidity at its peak. Courage gone to waste. I took one fricking hour to send the first msg. I didn`t get a 'promise'. It meant the world. That one damn word. I did it not to try again because I know we`re gone case. I can want this alot but really, why? Maybe it`s just like this. & maybe I should just slip away because I don`t know a lot of damn things right now & this longing is killing me. I don`t have any idea why, but aren`t things supposed to get easier as days go by? You learn to live without the other person, you learn to deal with your emotions better & you learn to accept things the way they are. It`s been more than a week, in fact, more than a month if you come to think of it. & I still haven`t moved an inch. It`s not supposed to be this way, not supposed to hurt like this for me, for him, for us. We`re supposed to be happier people but why is everything just holding me back? 19 November`s coming really soon & from that very day onwards, he`ll be too busy to even remember that he`s been hurt beyond hurt & I guess he`ll move on just fine. I just don`t like the idea of that, really.

tried to take a picture of love

OKAYE I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF ACC OUNTING FOR TODAY. 3.5 hours of insanity. I know it`s insufficient but that`s about as much as my brain can take for now.

I`m so hooked to this song now. Empty by Click 5.

Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing is beating our hearts
We're empty

And I've even wondered
If we should be getting under these sheets
We could lie in this bed
But it's empty
It's empty

I just need to let out a huuuuge sigh now. imu bad. On a brighter note, I can`t wait to meet Zaz & Dahl after school. It`s been too long, angels.

only you

i`d give anything to be annoyed again tonight. anything.

monday bloos

Cue shooting star. Wishes do come true -rolls eyes.

bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i am annoyed. nazir ur smses are annoying. i am annoyed ive said it. not annoyed annoyed. but more to 'i want to strangle you and tape your mouth and make you listen to me because i love you so much and i wish shit would end because we were supposed to last a lifetime i want to have ur kids and argue with you about the names of our children how one of them should be named Fikri and how u strongly disagree becoz u might call the wrong name in bed and i want to wake up to ur handsome face every morning and sit on your bike and irritate you while you ride by knocking ur helmet and tickling and pinching you. i want to feel ur hands on my lap again and how u`ll touch my knee each time we are on the bike, it`s as if you are just making sure i`m safe back there and u can`t say anything coz ur riding and i want to pull ur visor down for you whenever there`s a need to though i know u can do it for urself. i want to sit and rot with you i want to wash and iron ur blue uniform all my life, though i don` know how to iron. and i want to do all the things i want to do with you every weekend and i want to go on holidays with you and do things like bungy jumping and yelling i love nazir i love fit we are the best couple in the world omg so cliche..i want to irritate you by not allowing you to sleep on the bed when you return from night shift but instead i`ll make you lie on my lap and i`ll kiss and put you to sleep like a baby while i watch sappy romantic tv shows and i`ll force you to paint the house in my one and only favourite color GREEN i want to die in your arms and why can`t we just be a little normal like all the rest of the couples are and most of all i want to be the best you`ll ever have' kinda annoyed. & i realise i can go on forever with this & the retarded thing is, i can see us doing all that. DOES THIS EVEN MAKE SENSE?

Well if that doesn`t, i know THIS does --> EXAMS are in 14 DAYS, NURUL FITRIYANNA.