reflection

this past week has sort of been somewhat of an awakening for me

its funny how the span of a week can change so many things for so many people.. and in the events that occured, i learnt and remembered significant lessons...

i remembered what it was like to care about people again

i've learnt alot about maturity, about life, love, family and friendships

about not taking people for granted and the value of family... and of friends...

and i was reminded that there was much much much more to life than careers and work and responsibility...

infact … in comparison, all those stresses seem so insignificant now…

i guess in the past year or two i've cocooned myself in a world, one where i could not get hurt... too afraid to reach out to people, too afraid to love my friends whole heartedly... to show that love...

and this past week has taught me to trust, to love and to care about people again.. if that makes any sense...

to make time for the people who matter, not to just to keep it close to my heart and in my head and then go on with life like a robot, but to share it... to express it

because its important to show it, actions mean more than mere thoughts

its important to let people know you really care….

It is often easier to just carry on and absorb yourself in your work, but this past week has reminded me about the importance of balance.

.. sometimes we can all get carried away by the currents of everyday living, but its important to stop, to catch yourself before it smacks you in the face and to touch base with your roots because that is when you are actually living.

so to all my family and my friends, i love you all!

world's shortest personality test

You are pure, moral, and adaptable. You tend to blend into your surroundings. Shy on the outside, you're outspoken to your friends. You believe that you live a virtuous life... And you tend to judge others with a harsh eye. As a result, people tend to crave your approval.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

so i flew into my supervisor's office today

no.. not the walking fast or running kinda flew... i literally flew

... like a bird

stupid blardy OH&S issues round here i tell ya

ramblings

yeah yeah i need to update more often i know

ive just had so much shit to deal with lately i haven't been able to adequately process it in my head let alone write it all down

so the fact is i am worried

with four weeks of my placement left i still don't know what direction my career is heading

i've had ups and i've had downs and yesterday i ALMOST hit rock bottom, i was so ready to give up my 7 years of studying law and i felt like there was no light at the end of this dark dark dark tunnel...

i was beginning to think this was the way it will always be, poor, broke, stressed and really unhappy

i was getting disillusioned about becoming a lawyer because this was not how it was meant to be

what happened to my Merceddes SL 55 AMG? what happened to my dream home? what happened to not having to worry about how i'm going to afford to eat on a day to day basis? yes its THAT bad.

i get given a little hope that life will change and in almost the same breath that very hope gets withdrawn and so it goes and so it goes

its difficult to remain motivated when there is no security, the unknown frightens the shit out of me

i can't go on thinking that if i work that little bit harder, circumstances will change but it seems the harder i work the more static everything gets, is this how its always going to be?

i'm sick of feeling rorted im sick of having to fight for everything

why can't things just be easy every now and again? is this what being a grown up is like?

its difficult to make sure that everything is alright in everyone elses life when im struggling to cope with my own issues and yet it seems that people just keep on expecting and they take and they take and zap all my energy... and i can't say no... i just can't cos they're family..

a friend told me that responsibility is what you make it. yes alright that is true in a way but in a way its wrong.

i think its true that responsibility is what you make it when you accept it and allow it to envelop you, but then how can you say no when you know that if you don't do it.. who will?

huynhs bday at bamboo ages ago

 


more here

choices

so i wrote a whole epic entry and somehow ironically lost it trying to copy it.

so here i sit again giving it another shot...

this past week was spent processing the changes that have occured in the past month and those that will inevitably occur in the proceeding months

ive been embroiled in bitter internal turbulence in my effort to calculate my next career move. as decisiveness has never been a strong character trait in me, im literally pulling my hair out in an attempt to sort out what would be the wiser move.

what would be the deciding factor - to choose between money & specialisation in a dangerous area of law vs a much safer more stable pennyless potentially career building uncertainty - which way to go? i dont yet know.

i guess eventually things will fall into place or they wont, and if they dont i think im finally strong enough to deal with it when that happens. or am i?

so much to think about because at the end of the day, the decision i make will ot only be for myself and it will not only affect myself but the people around me too

i have to take them into consideration because ive finally accepted that i will never be free to do what i really want for myself

responsibilities will always come into play and by golly there are many

whatever choice i make i will have to live with - i just hope i eventually make the right one.

the day i got away

you know the feeling you get when you feel like you're being followed?

like there's a set of eyes burning holes through your back, its not paranoia, but a deeper instinctive feeling that perhaps for me, comes with bad past experience...

i got that feeling last week. and perhaps it was by a mere stroke of luck that i got away.

you see, last week i was assigned the task of attending parramatta local court for some early morning filing. being my usual punctual self, i arrived early so that i would not have to sprint to the court as i had done a day earlier. i parked in the closest carpark, which was nearly two big blocks away and started making my way out of the car park.

it was not long after this that i noticed two men, one with a red and black jacket, a puma sling bag and had long shaggy dirt brownish redish hair and a goatie... the other similarly dressed, but he was blondish and his mangy hair was shorter and the men were looking straight at me.

i could tell out of the corner of my eye and upon instinct that something was not right. its difficult to describe but its this eery feeling that they were thinking something more sinister than enjoying the morning sun.

it was the same feeling i got before this stranger lunged at me all those years ago, mouth first and sunk his teeth into my hand and the same feeling i got when those girls tried to attack me and the same feeling i got when i was chased home by the junkie man.. yes it was that eery feeling.

the streets that day in parramatta were quiet, the day had just begun, you could still smell the sweetness of the cold morning dew and i, i walked with utmost caution towards a busier street.

so i got the a seven-11 on the corner and feeling weirdish, decided to pop in.. atleast in there i was safe, with cameras and other people.

but soon i ran out of things to peruse in the shop and the court would be opening up, so i reluctantly made my way out of the shop, with these two fellas still hanging about outside the shop looking rather scarey.

with all my might and all my speed i bolt across the street and towards the court.

but alas, i get there and realise that it hadn't yet opened, but there were the guards lingering around by the inside door.

so there i stood and waited, i thought everything was alright untill i glanced up, and as though it couldnt get anymore coincidential, the same two guys turned the corner into my view. this time they had a girl with them. the girl looked like she hadnt bathed for a while, her face seemed hollow and her hair scraggly.

i struggled to hide behind the thick concrete columns surrounding the court, i knew that they had already seen me. they all stood by the corner, whispering and looking over at me... i see the chick head over... i inch slowly but not obviously until i was practically squashed against the court windows where the guards were inside..

she walked towards me, closer... closer and then as though she saw the guards, turned and changed directions just as she was about two steps in front of me...

so that was that, the court opened, i breathed a sigh of relief and headed in...

that is until i came back out. to my bewilderment, the two men were still there on the corner as though they were wating for me.

i walked briskly but calmly towards to pavement nearish to where they were as i had to walk past them in order to head back...

to more of my surprise, not even bothering to be subtle anymore, one of the men started following me... i walked on... faster and faster with each step and i could hear his footsteps moving at the same pace... i took off in to a full blown sprint and i could hear him running behind me... across the road i went and so did he... i ran and ran and ran as fast as i could in my low heels into that same seven-11 i had taken refuge in earlier.

i thought, 'if i go in, he's bound to go away this time'... but this time ... he followed me into the store, iw as at the back and when i saw him walking down, i walked back up to the front. he was looking around at nothing in particular as was i... until i caught him looking down for a bit and off i took again... right into the store next door.. is aw him come out of the shop empty-handed, he looked around... and made his way back to his accomplice

shaking i walk myself back to the carpark

t'was the day i got away