Life Changes

Ok, so I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't needed to vent I guess. Until now that is. I know I've talked about my wanting a baby and then not being sure and then being scared it would take forever etc... Well me and Josh finally decided to really go for it. Not just wait and see what happens. As I expected my doctor sent me straight to infertility. Ok well technically I didn't expect that, but I knew I would have to take fertility drugs. I kinda thought she would give it a shot with me first, but no. She just sent me straight to the pros. That made me EXTREMELY emotional. I don't know why. I was expecting to have to take fertility drugs so why did it bother me that she was getting someone else to prescribe them? I guess I just felt like I was worse off than I originally thought. lol So I cried when I left her office and was a blubbering mess and Josh told me not to worry of course, and I got over it pretty quickly. This first month at the infertility clinic has just been a tracking cycle with no drugs and to me it's been a complete waste of a month, but what do I know? Soon I will be starting clomid and now I'm beginning to freak out a little. I know I want a baby. I do. But I am a control freak. Type A at it's best, and I don't know what a baby will do to my life. I know my life right now. I know my routine. I'm in a good place. My marriage is awesome. I'm soooo happy. Probably the happiest I've ever been. I got my house. Things are going great. I am so scared of the unknown. A child will change everything. EVERYTHING. It will take away the lazy days of snuggling up on the couch with my hubby and my dog and watching TV until I can't stay awake. That is when I'm the happiest. When I'm at home with my husband with a good meal, and absolutely nothing to do but relax and unwind. It's my favorite place in the world to be. There is nowhere else I'd rather be in those moments. A baby will change all that, and I don't know what to expect. And that scares me. I know any mother would tell me that it's sooo worth it. That their child is the best thing that ever happened to them, and they wouldn't change it for the world. But can you mothers honestly say you don't miss your old life every once in a while? (Not that you would change anything), just that you miss the carefreeness of your life before? Ugh. I have to stop doing this. I really do. I think one thing that stresses me the most is that Josh isn't stressed. LOL Well, we are stressed about different things I guess. He is only stressed about the financial aspect of it. That doesn't scare me at all. I'm stressed about life changing, baby crying, mommy crying, no sleep, having to work, who will watch baby, am I gonna be any good at being a mommy? Those things. That's what scares me. Well let's just hope I can get pregnant. How about that? How about we take one step at a time Becca....try that for once.

Follow up on my Slacker blog

I just now re-read my blog about being a slacker and thought I'd give an update. Apparently I am in a much better place than I was. I have officially lost 10lbs so obviously I found a little self-discipline. We had our best month at work in March and I got an awesome bonus so that helped with the working harder and saving money aspect, and I totally finished that book I had started and I LOVED it and I have since read 2 more :) I have a problem with run on sentences. (random I know but I was proof reading) We don't need to discuss the cleaning house thing. I mean it's only been a few months people give me some time :) Oh, and obviously u can see more of what I am talking about with the baby thing if u read that post too. I'm totally lost!

Is anybody NOT pregnant?

Ok, so I realize I am at the age where it is probably time to start a family. We have talked about it quite a bit lately, but are not actively TRYING to have a baby. There are days when I want one sooo bad and then there are days when I question myself and think I'm just not ready. The problem for me is that EVERYONE is pregnant or has just had a baby. ALL of my friends that are my age either just had a baby or are pregnant. Not some.... ALL. I do not have a single friend my age that I still hang out with that does not have a child or is not carrying one. It is almost overwhelming. I know that probably sounds stupid, but I feel like I am in baby overload. Not because I don't LOVE talking with my friends about their babies, but because I kinda feel like I missed the boat and I'm not sure if I wanted to be on it or not? That may not make any sense. It's just the way I feel. And when I say I missed the boat, don't take that literally. I realize I am still very young and have PLENTY of time to get on the boat so to speak. I just feel overly baby consious. Yeah, maybe that is a better way to describe it. Do I want a baby because I'm ready or do I want one because everyone else is having them and I don't want to miss out? I dream about babies and being pregnant. I have all these mixed emotions. Sometimes I am sad that I don't have one too. Other times when I am around screaming babies I think "Thank God that's not me!" I really think a lot of it has to do with my fear of not being able to get pregnant easily. I need to talk to my doctor about some things and I guess the unknown scares me. I think if I knew it would take me 3 years to get pregnant then I would have started trying a few years ago lol. But if it doesnt take me but 3 months then I'm in no hurry to start. LOL Control issues? Yeah I would say so. NOBODY knows how long it will take them, and I know that is all up to God and in his control, and he has a perfect plan for my life. Why do I even bother trying to butt-in or help him out on the planning? He doesn't need my help. I think he's got it covered. He always does.

Slacker

I am such a slacker lately. I feel like I'm slacking on EVERYTHING and I don't know how to get motivated to not be a slacker. I feel like I'm not giving 100% to anything. I used to think that I had lots of self-discipline but I totally don't. It's not really fun learning that about yourself. I can't make myself work out, work harder, KEEP my house clean (I mean I clean it I just don't put forth the effort to keep it that way), diet, catch up with my friends, get up early, groom my dog, blog, upload my pictures, finish reading a book I started, work on my relationship with God, clean my car out, fold laundry, save money, and the list goes on and on. I mean...how do I make myself be motivated? I am happy, I'm just not happy and productive. I want to be productive.

Change of subject. I want a baby. BAHAHAHA. How ironic that I put this in my blog about being totally LAZY!!! I really do though. I think I'm finally at that place where I am ready. It took me a while to get there, but I'm there. I think it will still be a while until we have one but I definitely have the fever.

My house is starting to look like someone lives there so I really am gonna post some pictures. It has been very empty up until this point and it still needs lots of work but I'm getting there. I love my house. I hope we are there for a really long time. On another note. My dear hubby just has no self control either and even though we just bought a house he wants to buy a truck. REALLY? I obviously think this is a terrible idea and have told him so many many times but I give! I hope our children are not as persistant as he is because I totally cracked. I can't listen to it any more! If we have to live off of ramen noodles and Mountain lightning then that is his fault and he will have to live with his fat wife because you can't lose weight when all you eat is junk. Ha Ha. So while I'm writing this post and eating my lean cusine at work two ladies from another office bring me a piece of marble cake a piece of strawberry cake and a brownie. MMMMM Have I mentioned that I have no self control? Yeah the brownie is gone and I'm working on the strawberry cake. I hate myself. lol I think I am gonna leave it at that for today. Happy Valentines Day!