I had a moment the other day...
filled with so much happiness.... but at the exact same moment the pang of missing someone so dearly stung deeply.
my sweet little family was gathered having a family home evening. We had just talked about how friends come & go and might even ditch you or hurt your feelings. But we are a forever family and we will always be there for each other. You can always come home.
My memory immediately resurfaced a stowed away tradition of younger years. My brothers & sister and I along with my mom & dad would all pile our hands one on top of the other in a stack. Then with much enthusiasm we would chant...."GOooooo Churches!"  - as our hands flew up in the air.

I wanted to recreate this favorite tradition with my own family, so we made up a Matsumori chant infused with some devin magic that did not disappoint. come over for a visit and you can join with our new tradition.

with all 6 pairs of hands (even little evers' chubby fingers) piled in, we sang our Matsumori family chant multiple times. Smiles all around. And it was beautiful!
tears stung my eyes as i pushed them back....in that moment i couldn't help but miss my dad. and his contagious smile. the corn on cob in his teeth. his zest for life. his kindness. and his lOVE. I couldn't help, but see that image of those children {my siblings & I} with pained faced as we piled our hands on top of one another in a stack... on his casket and said softly, goodbye..."go churches."

dear mr. evers

you are the sweetest little boy. 

you are always smiling & happy. 

even if you are sitting by yourself in the middle of the floor with no toys around...you can be found smiling and waving your arms in excitement. 

your smile is amazing. 

there is a light about you. 

i can feel your amazing talents. will you be the peacemaker in our home?? 

You are so easy going. 

up till 11pm or in bed by 7. either way you are a happy boy. 

you are so loved. your brother & sisters LOVE to make you smile. 

you should hear them talking to you, "little boy....you're so cute. Aaaaavrett. so cute so cute so cute. the cutest little boy in the whole world." 

they all fight for a place next to you in mommy's bed.

love you. 

hugh & I had a moment.
mostly our relationship consists of me trying to reign him in.
again it was bedtime. not my finest hour. but i am working on it.
we read a whale magazine by the dim light of a night light. {as not to wake sleeping mae lying in the crib close by}
together we learned about whales.
gave hugs.
said i love yous.
and as I walked out of the room hugh looked at me and said a most sincere & genuine
i love you.
it melted my heart.


love that boy.

I wish i had a snapshot of that moment.
my own personal photographer that could capture that moment in the permanence of a picture forever.

it was bedtime. not my finest hour. i usually have reached my breaking point a couple times by bedtime. i guess that's what makes this moment all the more special.

there we were gathered in hugh's room all five of us on the bed.
mae, from behind me, with her chubby hands wrapped around my neck, stroking my hair and giving me loves.
everett, between my legs, practicing how to sit. lunging for the story book. tickling. smiling. rolling around. drooling.
hugh & tomi on either side of me narrating the pictures in the book. each of them taking one side of the page embellishing the story of what each character was saying in a creative three to five year old world. we were laughing.

it was a little piece of heaven. for that moment.

and i'll take it.

sometimes i feel like the worst mom.
you know when something inside you just builds....can't even explain what it is...but it just builds & builds and then you lose all composure on a little one eating rice like a maniac because the rice flying everywhere just puts you over the top.

I am not a clean freak to say the least. I will take a nap even with a high pile of dishes, 6 loads of laundry to be folded, crumbs on the floor (but that is endless), tornado playroom, disheveled back porch, etc. you get the point. no need to describe how messy my house always is.
But at the same time... the mess eats at me. The constantness of 4 littles dragging stuff all around the house in & out even after i just picked it up/living within a chasm of crumbs & blocks & legos....eats at me. I don't like this eating of me, either.
Is that why i all the sudden lose it about a handful of rice raining to the ground??  really? rice. was it worth it? nope.

anyways. its times like these when i feel like i can't measure up as a mom. I don't have the composure to stay cool all the time. I have to remind myself that these sweet little ones are so young & so sweet. Because they are so sweet and sometimes i forget that. And those are not my best moments.

If only there was a mom club. where we got together. shopped. ate dinner. and told each other how it really is. came clean. Wouldn't it be nice to realize that we aren't the only ONE?

little baby everett is 1 month old today.
having four littles 4 and under is crazy & joyful. each day is getting better. and overall i feel very blessed! I have had so much help and have felt an outpouring of love from MOM & MICHI, family, friends, & my new ward {which i have only been to twice}....and it has made this new transition smooth.  Besides -- everything is easier when your not 10 months pregnant!!

I went into labor with baby E Monday night at 3am. My sweet friend Melissa came over to watch my kiddos while Devin & I went to the hospital. My contractions were 4 or so minutes apart so we didn't want to delay {Tomi's delivery we were in the hospital for a matter of 10 min before she popped out}
Labor ended up being 8 hours  - double Mae's 4 hour delivery - but one of my BEST. I was in the huge  tub {see midwife epidural} for 5 hours. Seems like forever, but it was comfy and i wasn't about to get out.  Devin could tell i was getting close to delivery and so he told the nurse to get the midwives in there. I ended up having a couple chill contractions in between some intense ones so they just waited in the room with me for 30 min. Which was reassuring. I even fell asleep between contractions for a minute or so. And it was a good thing the midwives were there... because they pretty much demanded i get out of the tub and hop on the bed because the baby was ready to be born! I literally stepped out of the tub and a minute or 3 later & 2 pushes and he was born. This was my most composed labor. I was calm & controlled...no screams from this momma this time! It is all about the tub and some awesome relaxing music. And of course... dEVIN!

it was my best labor & my best recovery.
I healed so fast this time and didn't have to use a drop of lanolin. {which has never happened}

I was mostly solo in the hospital which allowed a lot of rest, sleep, and baby cuddle time. It was a SWEET time.

As I lay there the afternoon after his birth I felt a strong feeling of peace thick in the room...emanating from baby everett's sweet soul. My heart was so happy to have him. 

The peace was so noticeable in opposition to the feelings of anxiety i had been feeling for 8 months. The memory of mae's delivery had not faded sufficiently{only a short 15 months ago} :)

NOT only that... I was soooo scared for this baby to come.   I doubted my ability to mother 4 kids 4 & under and was just plain anxious for what was fast approaching. 

I said a prayer to Heavenly Father asking him to help me plant this peaceful feeling deep in my heart. Help me to savor it and hold on to it.
As I knew that crazy times were ahead of me and I would need this sacred reminder. 

So here we are...a month later...

we have had our fair share of frustrating moments. screaming babies {all 4 of them} and a screaming mommy! tears & joy. sweet cuddles with a sweet baby. waking up every 1.5 hours - yikes! - at night. feeling stretched because all 4 kiddos need me at the same time...most of the time. LOVE having dinner show up at my door! - amazing!! a loving daddy who steps in to sweep the floor, clean the kitchen, wrestle with energetic kids, grab diapers at the store, let mom sleep in & nap...

just today hugh was saying...."wouldn't it be great if grandma michi were here to read Mae a book, and Daddy was here to play ninjas with me, and grandma kathy could draw ballerinas for Tomi and you could hold baby Everett."   Can you tell I have been explaining to him that there is only one mommy & four littles??

mae mae doesn't seem jealous - she speaks in a really kind voice as she "talks" to the baby, but i do fear for the baby's life at times...she has started wacking family members on the head with toys, pulling hair...and if you start to scold her or grab her she instinctively starts swinging with whatever hard object she has in her hands. She also tries to sit on my lap sometimes when I am holding the baby...not out of jealousy...but just wanting to sit on mom's lap. Have you seen mae compared to baby E? she would crush him. :) She has also turned into a climber. she is constantly on top of tables, climbing into the highchair, playing in the sink, or trying to scale up the side of baby e's pak n play.

tomi is a loving sister and helps mommy retrieve diapers, blankies, binkies, and lays softly by baby E when he is screaming and I can't quite get to him. She is my night roamer and ends up in the comfy recliner {that i nurse the baby in} in our room sometimes 3 times a night.

hugh has got this whole having a baby thing down. He talks so sweetly to baby everett. He helps entertain/torment tomi  & mae by running around the house with them. He also retrieves Mae off the tables for me. He really is sweet to his little sisters! and they love him. He is also very forgiving to his mommy as sometimes his high energy sends me to my crazy place.

it is amazing what a month will bring.
the day e turned 1 month...
tomi is MIRACULOUSLY getting all her poops in the potty.
 [after close to 4 months NOT in the potty. ever.]
i am no longer waking up constantly drenched in sweat. postpartum hotness is no bueno.
baby e is sleeping 3 to 4 hours at night. amazing!

I still am completely terrified to go anywhere with four littles alone.

I struggle with this on a daily basis.

yesterday i laid down on the couch in the playroom more out of exhaustion & pregnant body ness....but soon i had hugh & tomi cuddled up to me and we read book after book together. haven't done that in a long time. it was so great. if only i would take time to stop cleaning up the mEssY playroom and just relax and enjoy these sweet little people more.

mae's one year old pictures

Love this sweet girl!