It Starts Today

I suck at self-motivation.  Seriously.  I have found that I always want the cookie or Frappuccino more than I want a hot body in that moment and I almost always pick NAP over EXERCISE when I have an hour to myself. 

But here's the thing.  I can't afford to buy any more fat clothes.  And the ones I have are growing tight.  It's time to face what I have been dreading.

In my mind I look like this:



But in reality I look more like this:



I am afraid to step on the scale but here goes:

155 lbs.  Shit. 

I am joining Wacky Jacqui in her fitness quest and will be posting weekly about my progress. 

Here are my basic goals. I am an underachiever and believe that I should aim low and not be put off by my lack of results so here goes:

• I want to be about 135 lbs so I have 20 lbs to lose.
• I will walk for 30 minutes 3 times a week AND for 15 minutes on my lunch breaks (3 days a week).
• If I go out to eat (which we seem to do a lot in the summer) I will take half my entree home because the portions are always too big. And NO DESSERT.
• NO eating after 8pm.  We always eat dinner early and there is no reason to snack at bedtime.
• 8-10 glasses of water per day. 
• More Fruits and Veggies
• Less ice cream.

Truly, if I can just start to feel less lethargic, that is enough for me. 

Anyone want to join up?  I will be posting my progress on Fitness Fridays and would love if some of you joined us.

Selena

CRAP-TASTIC! - No, seriously.

I dont know why Lila sees the toilet as being pure evil.  It's not like I showed her this:

Image from http://yippie-kai-yay.blogspot.com/

Well folks, after a year of begging and cajoling and trying ever suggestion (including bribery, trickery and just leaving her alone) Lila managed to take a crap on the toilet on Tuesday.  Not only that, she has crapped Wednesday and this morning as well.

I wish I could say it was her choice.  I wish I could say that I did what any loving and attentive parent would have done and let her come around on her own.  But I didn't.  I simply refused to buy any more pull-ups and it just so happened that she was sick and couldn't really hold it anymore.

I wish I could give credit to the gazillion suggestions I received from you all.  I wish I could say it was because I bribed her with a trip to Target for a new Barbie or because I told her I would take her to Friendly's for ice cream (Yes, I told her both of those things) but it wasn't.  It was just because Ben has a shitload of patience with her begging and crying that I don't have.

He was the hero in this one.  After me trying to talk her through it for about 15 minutes while she cried in sheer terror that she could not properly explain (because she is three), I gave up and called in the big guns. 

Ben went in and offered to take all the water out of the toilet so there would be no splash.  This helped but did not in any way make her want to go.  I sat in the hallway crying because this was obviously mean and cruel but I reminded myself that I had never heard of anyone so traumatized by having to shit on the potty that they became mass murderers.

Ben started asking her about school.  About who was sick and who was the "leader" and all of a sudden I heard her stop crying and squeak out a little, "I think I did it."

And she did.  She was so proud of herself and so we had to act like crapping in the toilet was the most incredible thing we had ever witnessed.  We told her she was brave and so big now and she just beamed with pride!

from cafepress.com

And of course, yesterday we went to Target where I managed to spend $22 on a Barbie and some other crap toys just to keep the momentum going.

So to all of you who reassured me it was going to be okay and that my kid would eventually stop crapping her pants, I say THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT.

Now I have to figure out how to properly wipe a kid's ass when she is half standing up.

Mother's Day

As much as I complain about my kid, she really is amazingly adorable and wonderful.  This morning after sleeping in until a whopping 8:30 am, as I came down the stairs Lila came speeding through the house smashing her shoulder on the doorway to yell "Happy Mother's Day" at the top of her lungs for me.  Now, I knew she hurt herself, but she was trying SO HARD to be strong and brave and I saw her little lip quivering but she refused to cry.

Next she gave me my presents...a leather bracelet she picked out for me at Target because "It's rockin'" and a pretty little book she made for me at preschool. 

Well, they spelled my name wrong but you have to love a 3 year old's perception of age!

Seriously, how fucking cute are my kid's answers?

I LOVE HER.

Then she presented me with the gift her and her Mia (Ben's mom) made for me over the course of the last two weekends.  It's a MAILBOX!

I blotted out the names and address.  Sorry stalkers!

Seriously.  I have never ben so happy to have this little on to take care of and I hope that you all can find joy in your special day as well!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MOMMIES!

I think it's working

I think that the crap I am taking to combat my shitty mood disorder is actually working!

I went back to the Doctor after my last little crash when he told me that my blood work doesn't show anything REALLY wrong with me I nearly collapsed because I just cannot seem to kick this depression in any significant way even though I am always on some kind of (expensive and uninsured) medication. 

He suggested two things.  I try to limit my processed foods because there is some kind of link between people who eat crap all day and people who are insane (not the medical terminology he used) and add Abilify to the crap meds I am already taking.

The things a girl will do to feel normal...

I objected, of course.  I LOVE ME some easy frozen dinners and lunch meat, but he insisted.  Plus, he told me that sometimes adding Abilify to a drug that isn't really effective creates a reaction that makes it work better.  And I told him that since that he didn't tell me I needed to exercise more, I was on board. 

Two weeks later and I feel like my mind is clear for the first time since I had Lila.  HOLY SHIT.  This must be how normal people feel.  I even tried to take a little nap yesterday and wasn't tired at all!

Of course, this is opening up a huge rift inside me that I have done a fantastic job of denying until now.  My relationship is a mess, and I am starting to see that my anger may not be a side effect of the depression after all.  I think that my depression comes from me numbing my negative feelings and allowing them to fester. 

A part of me is worried about what this is going to mean to the state of my family.  Luckily I have a therapist who can hopefully help me to work all this out and not allow me to make any decisions until I am sure that I know what the hell is going on.

It feels good to be free!

I sure feel sexy. Here's your dirty facts.

WOW!  I have never won anything in my life and now it turns out that there's TWO people who love me!

So in the spirit of fulfilling my obligation and in order to claim my prize (s), I am going to meet the prerequisite demands that such an honor requires.

First off, thank you to NEVE at Edge of Crazy for this one:

In order to claim this, I have to tell a really naughty juicy secret about myself:

I was kind of a groupie. 

No seriously.  There was a band in the 90's (who I will not mention) but they were big enough to have a top 40 hit and if you heard their songs on the radio, you'd be all like, "I remember these guys!  What the hell happened to them?"  I LOVED them and swore that I would find my way onto their tour bus one way or another. 

I met the drummer when I was 18 at one of their shows and he got me drunk and we made out on the tour bus.  We exchanged phone numbers or whatever and I thought that would be the end of it.  Three days later he called me just to chat and we had several months of phone sex while he was on the road.  That fizzled out when he went back home, and he stopped calling so I just assumed it was over. 

The following spring (about 3 months later) he called to tell me he'd be doing a show nearby.  So I got all slutted up and showed up at his hotel and did all the dirty things we talked about months before.  


On a tour bus in Toronto.  Yes, that IS a leopard-print shirt
he's wearing.  Oh, and it was mine.

They did many shows in the Northeast around that time and I dragged my friend along to as many as I could.  Then they played a show in my hometown.  My mother insisted I bring him to our neighborhood bar and he hung out and smoked pot with my uncle and my mother and her friends oooh'd and ahhhh'd about a real-life rock star in the bar (lame, I know). 

I got to meet some other cool people when they did a festival-type show, including Iggy Pop (which really was the high point of that time period).

When he went home, I understood that it was over and he had a life to return to so that was that. 

SO there's my dirty little secret.  I really hope my kid never reads this.

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The other award comes from Kristy at Pampers and Pinot. 
She said I have been making her laugh lately and then my last two posts were kind of a huge pity party so I suppose that just illustrates that I really am "versitile".

For this one I have to tell you all 7 fantastic (or not) random facts about me.  So here they are:

1.  I haven't worn shorts or a skirt above my ankles in about 7 years (and I lived in Arizona for 4 of those).  I have dermatillomania and if you google it try not to look at the pictures because those will give you nightmares.  Mine is a less extreme (but still kind of bad) version of that and I only do it to my legs for some reason.  Right now they're nice and smooth (but horribly scarred) and I am praying I can get to the summer and be able to take my kid to the beach for the first time this year without being ashamed.

2. When I had my second ultrasound I totally freaked out the tech girl by telling her I needed to see my baby's arms to make sure she didn't have claws.  I also made her tell me she did not have horns.

I was pretty sure I THIS
is what I would see

3. I used to have fantastic boobs (the "nice rack award" made me think of this one).  I LOVED them and used to show them off to anyone who would have a look.  I always thought that if I gained weight that they would be larger, more voluptuous versions of what I had.  WRONG.  They're pretty much the same size only flatter and closer to my belly-button.

Yeah...I was THAT girl...


4. I drink at least 6 cups of coffee every day.

5. I am still pissed off about the ending of Lost.  I realize it's been nearly a year and that it was just a TV show, but fuck that shit!  The show consumed me for about 6 years and it turns out they all just "go to the light"?  Seriously?  I have dreams sometimes about all the better possible endings that would have made the whole story make sense.  Maybe I should be writing for TV.

6. My kid is exactly like me.  Seriously.  I really feel sorry for her father because all the shit I get annoyed with is shit I do to him.

7. Blogging has changed my life.  I know this is cheese-ballish but it's true.  I think I desperately needed an outlet for all the ramblings in my head and having a bunch of people read my thoughts and respond and "get it" has made all the difference in the world for me.  I have never had a huge group of friends but I feel like the people who read my blog and comment and appreciate what I say are like the buddies I don't have out here in the real world.  And I am forever grateful for you all.


ps.  I was looking at the old blog I kept on the myspace and it was fucking AWESOME!  But no one uses the myspace anymore.  I may need to cut and paste all these absurd posts somewhere for reference when I am depressed.

p.p.s  I know I need to pass these awards on, but since my kid broke my laptop (AGAIN...FUCK YOU NICK JR.COM!!) I am working on this ancient computer in Ben's office and everything takes three times as long.  SO I am going to think about it and post my awards later.  Stay tuned.

They like me...they really like me!

Well what do you know?  I have received my first blogging award from Kristy over at Pampers and Pinot. 

I will be back later to generate random facts and then pass this along to the next round of deserving bloggers.

In the meantime, go visit Kristy's blog and give her some comment love.  She's funny and expressive and her blog is very nice to look at.

-Selena

Annoying. (Or what it's like to be three)

"Mommy.  Mommy.  Mommy.  Mommy.  MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY!"

She isn't paying attention.  Daddy keeps on talking to her but I need her NOW! 

"Mommy Mommy MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!!!!"

I don't want to hang on a minute.  I don't want to wait until she's finished talking.  I have to tell her something REALLY REALLY REALLY important!  I have to tell her NOW!  I have to tell her right this minute because I really really have to tell her!

"MOM-MY.  MOM-MY!"  "MOOOOM-MY!"
Maybe if I just whine a little bit, "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMY!" But not too much because then she won't let me tell her.  I'll just make the sad face too.  "MOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMY!"

Um...She's looking at me now. I want to tell her something but what is it? She stopped talking and she's waiting for me to tell her what.  I have to tell her something and I want her to know that....hmmm......Look!  There's my Strawberry Shortcake Doll.  I'm going to go over and get it. 

"I like Strawberry Shortcake, Mommy!"

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From the prompt found here:

Post-Partum Depression Sucks!

My post is appearing on My Postpartum Voice as the Postpartum Voice of the Week.  Go check it out and show some love.  This is the first time I am appearing anywhere outside of my own blog and facebook!

In honor of this, I am going to repost my original online journal entries below. 

And she made this for my post (which I LOVE):





My original post-partum journal entries:

I decided not to edit it at all and left all of it as it was originally posted, F-bombs and all.  I wanted it to show not just the emotion of it, but also the ups and downs (mostly downs) and hopes and despair as I felt it.  It seems to cut off randomly, but that was when I started feeling better and never thought to keep it going because someday, someone might need some encourgagement (I'm selfish like that!).   
-Selena 

Sunday, July 29, 2007



3:28 PM - Fucking Hell Child Cometh

It's happened, just as I knew it would. After two and a half weeks of being sweet and cute and wonderful, suddenly the kid has sprouted the figurative horns and turned into Hell Child.

It was so easy in the beginning. They trick you like that you know. She slept a sleep that only the new and unknowing could sleep. She woke up lightly and showed us she was hungry, not by crying - like most inferior children- but by frantically trying to shove her whole hand in her mouth. It was cute. And she would suck down what we gave her and drift into this coma-like state again until several hours had passed, and the time came and we heard her little belly rumble and she would stir and need more sucking time.


We cuddled her endlessly and tried (what were we thinking?) to get her to wake up and hang out with us. We tried the swing and bouncy seat and nothing worked and we would put her back in her little bassinet and watch her eyes roll around and her facial expressions change as the little angel that we had made dreamed.


And then suddenly she woke up crying at 2 in the afternoon. And she cried and we fed her and she calmed down, but didn't sleep. And she fussed, and grunted and fidgeted. And then she cried some more. So we picked her up. We rocked her. And at first that worked. But then she cried some more so we walked her around the house. We played soft music. We played loud music and ran the vacuum. We begged her to stop and we fed her some more. We wrapped her tightly and we changed her diapers obsessively. And she would calm down, and drift off to sleep. So we would set her down, ever so carefully...


And then she started screaming again.


The doctors have us trying different formulas. And that's great if you have like $23 to waste every 2 days and don't mind having a baby whose gas smells worse than her fathers' and who still screams all day until she wears herself out at 11:00 at night.


My mom will be leaving next Sunday. And I worry that Hell Child is just getting started. What will I do when Ben goes to work and leaves me alone with the beast who demands my constant rocking/bouncing/walking/feeding/singing? How will I eat? How will I pee? And how do you let a baby cry, even for a few minutes, who seems so obviously uncomfortable and appears, by all accounts, to be in some kind of invisible pain?


The experts online and in books and at the doctors office tell me that "luckily" it only lasts until about 3 or 4 months. ONLY THREE OR FOUR MONTHS!!!! To which I want to say, "okay...I will drop her off for a few hours each day and you let me know how fucking interminable those "few" months work out to be". What happens when I need to go back to work? How do I leave a screaming monster with someone else?


.....................................


Sunday, August 12, 2007


1:05 PM - getting by...


Lila has had a couple of good days. Thursday afternoon she slept for a few hours straight and didnt have a fit at all...


Friday was a great day and I even took her out for a few hours without incident.


Here's the thing. So the Doctor had us switch from Soy formula to this hypoallergenic crap that smelled awful a few weeks ago because she was getting really grumpy and crying alot.


As the days progressed, the crying got worse and that was when we got her the medicine and it seemed to not be doing much, but the doc told us to hang in there and that it would take a few days. He was concerned about the fact that she was only eating 2 oz of the hypoallergenic formula at a feeding and thought that she would eat better (and sleep better) once her belly felt better.


Thursday, Ben (in a moment of pure parental intuition) wanted to see if she would eat more of the Soy. And she did. She ate 4oz of it. So we were back to the regular soy, and by that afternoon she seemed to feel quite a bit better. And like I said, Friday was great.


Saturday morning Ben gave her a feeding with the hypo-allergenic stuff. She hated it, and only ate a little, and cried afterward. We went back to soy with her next feeding and she was good until later on in the day, when apparently all hell was breaking loose in her gut and she started crying and fussing and being irritable again like she had been before. NOT


AS BAD...She is quite a bit better, but she was PISSED OFF...

WHY AM I GOING INTO ALL THIS?


Because I am trying to keep it straight in my head.


I wake up every morning with anxiety about the day. It gets better as the day progresses and I have no trouble taking care of her once the day starts, but there is this utter dread that hangs over me. I physically feel terrified, even though I know rationally that there is nothing really terrifying happening.


I am trying to not get my hopes up that we found the "cure" to Lila's problems. I am trying to take it one day at a time and remember that even if she is better, she will have bad days. I am also trying to remember what I used to have to tell myself at work when there were 1000 things going on and it seemed like it would never get finished… "This will happen whether I get all upset about it or not…so why get all stressed out?"


I am trying to be all Zen-like and live moment by moment, telling myself "right now the baby is calm…it doesn't matter what she will be like in an hour…I will deal with that then…" and yet when I imagine the rest of the day (any day) I am filled with tension and scared to death.


Ben has been wonderful. Seriously. It kind of pisses me off that he is so natural with her. He doesn't get frazzled and is not bothered by her crying. He actually lets her cry a little because he says he waits to see if she will calm herself down (she usually doesn't). He has given me mini "days off" where he does all her feedings and attends to her so that I can relax, nap and get out of the house. The only catch is that I still do all the night feedings because he goes to work so early.


Once we get her feeling better, we can start trying to get her on a schedule so that maybe she will sleep for a 5 or 6 hour stretch at night. Until then, I just have to try to keep functioning through the fog, running mostly in survival mode trying not to let the fact that I really only get a couple of 2-3 hour naps at night that are supposed to pass for sleep make me crazy.


12:37 AM - the worst mother ever...


Is it wrong that when the baby cries I stop to get the camera and take a picture before I attend to her???

You have to admit...it's funny...






Selena


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Tuesday, August 14, 2007


4:47 PM - Fucking meltdown


I am not okay. I had a meltdown yesterday and called my mom and asked her to come back out here and rescue me.

I am so nervous and cry for no reason. I can't eat and I have gone into the sleep thing. I am a fucking disaster. But I know it. And I am working on it.


I feel totally clueless as to how to deal with an infant. Even when she's not crying or upset I still feel like I have no idea how to handle her. It seems really easy to everyone else.


Shit.


.............................


Wednesday, August 15, 2007


7:04 AM - Another day




Its 7am and the baby is asleep still. I want to sleep too but I am so fucking terrified of being alone with her all day. And I don't know why.


I am perfectly capable of taking care of her. She is getting a lot easier now that the tummy stuff is under control and now that I can put her down for naps and know that she will cry herself to sleep after a few minutes and so I have little breaks.


So why then, am I still so fucking upset. I wake up with knots in my stomach and cry and beg Ben not to go to work. And it's completely irrational because like I said, I know I am capable of handling it. I can't nap when she does because she naps in these short bursts unless someone is holding her, and then she can sleep continuously for ab hour or more. So by the time I get her down and she finally falls asleep, and I lay down, I generally have 20 minutes to half an hour and it takes me that long to fall out. So then she is awake.


Even when Ben is here and he is tending to her I lay there, half awake waiting for her cry. And when she does, even if she is in the other room and it is muffled by the closed door, I get this panicky terror feeling when I hear her. And of course, when I go to her, everything is fine and there is nothing to be afraid of.


I am afraid of wanting to hurt her. Let me make that clear. I don't have thoughts of hurting her. I am afraid that at some point I might have thoughts about hurting her. How fucking twisted is that???


My mom is dropping everything to come back out here to rescue me. And I am even nervous about that. Ben is really pissed that I am so needy, like I should be able to just buck up and handle it. I can't make someone who has never been depressed or plagued with this kind of anxiety understand. But I have a feeling that if you are reading this, you get it and you've been there.


I made an appointment to see a shrink Monday. And the fact that I am doing something is a bit of a comfort for me. Like I am at least not just giving up. Not that I have a choice...


...........................


Thursday, August 16, 2007 11:07 AM - Baby




My mom will be here today and now I am feeling a little less terrified. But this also opens up new things that worry me.


I don't think my mom will be okay with our choice to let Lila cry it out for naps throughout the day. Ben is upset that we can't get a nice family routine down before I go back to work. And even worse is the idea that I have to go back to work.


Part of me looks forward to the interaction and getting away, but the other part doesn't want to leave the baby and even more of me worries that my emotional state will cause me problems (I have been there before, but now I don't have the luxury of just bailing out on a job because I don't feel like going).


I need to tell everyone what I intend to do as far as hours and scheduling and coordinate with the lady that has offered to watch the baby for a few hours a day, and I just feel so hesitant to do anything. I don't think I can make a good decision or even a bad decision. I don't feel like I can even think about what happens in a couple of weeks.


I didn't cry yesterday at all. But my nerves are still a mess. I wish I could get a hold of myself and just "suck it up" which is what Ben recommends I do...


Easier said than done.


....................................


Friday, August 17, 2007


8:19 AM - Mom to the rescue




My mother flew back out here yesterday for me. I feel stupid because she thinks I need help with the baby but the truth is that I just want her here. I can handle the baby. I think...


I am a mess myself. I am really nervous. I am angry and upset all day. I feel unhappy with everything in a very non-specific way. Like I am not interested in the new role or new path that I am taking. I don't want to have to revolve my life around anyone else. Let alone a little blob that screams at me for reasons that I can't make out.


And yet in some ways I am thrilled. I have meaning and responsibility and purpose that I didnt have before. And that's fucking terrifying. It's overwhelming. This is a job with no "out." I can't just give it up. This is my life now and forever. I will never be just me again. I am me with this part of me out there that I also will need to tend to, because I did such a good job of tending just to myself and all...


I was miserable alone. I was miserable and clueless and directionless. And now I have this thing that is a defining aspect of my life and I am hesitant to follow it. I don't want to. I want to send it back and be back to just being me. I want to be just me. I want to be alone and just me.


I am sad that I feel that way. I am sad that on some level I want to reject her because she is so fucking worthy of my full love and attention. I am sad that I want to run away and pretend this never happened. I am sad that it is real.




A part of me understands that I am allowed to feel like this and that it is just an adjustment that I am making. A part of me knows that in a few months life will be "normal" and she will be the center. But getting to that point is scary for me. I want to be able to stand up and take on the mom role and be supermom without any question because Lila deserves that.




I just don't really think I can.




.................................


Saturday, August 18, 2007 8:22 AM - Something good happened...


Yesterday was a good day. I am still waking up nervous and sick, and I am still having these crying jags for no reason. I am still saying I don't want to be a mother. But yesterday afternoon something happened.


The baby found her thumbs. This sounds stupid, but she has a hard time going to sleep unless she is sucking. Apparently, sucking is very soothing to a baby. And at one point I put her in her little swing and she popped out the pacifier and got all upset and before I had the chance to get back to her she had stuck her hand in her mouth and realized that if she stuck out her thumb she could suck on that. It only lasted a few minutes and she started waving her hands around like a maniac again, but it was exciting when about 20 minutes later she did it again.


That's not all. She is gaining control of her head. When I hold her up to burp her, she refuses to put her head down. And she is learning not to be so floppy with it. It's cheesy but I felt so proud of her because they learn coordination from the top down (i.e. Head control, then they sit up, then they stand up). She isn't even 6 weeks and she is becoming human.


Finally, last evening, I was finished feeding her and we were just sitting in front of the window. I had her on my lap facing outward and was playing with her little legs, making her dance to the music I was making up humming to her. She turned her head up toward me, and took a minute to look at my face, then smiled this huge smile. She stared for a few seconds, and started making noises like she was happy and trying to talk to me. She smiled some more. And she wasn't pooping or anything (thats how I got the pic I am using as my default). She just recognized me.


That was the coolest fucking thing that has ever happened in my whole life...


Selena


.............................


6:38 PM - A shrink and a crying kid


Right now Lila is screaming at Ben. I am okay though because I took a Xanax.


I had my appointment today with a Dr. for my post-partum crazies. I was apprehensive because of the whole drama of making the appointment. Basically, I called every shrink on my insurance and he was the only one accepting new patients, but he answered his own phone and then told me the secretary would call me right back. Then he called me back a few minutes later to tell me she would be calling me in a few minutes. I was confused as to why he seemed so desperate for my business, but he was the only doctor taking new patients so I went with it.


His office is a dumpy little place in an 80's style office building in Tempe. When I walked in there was no receptionist and as a new patient I was told to arrive early to complete my paperwork. The office had terrible blue industrial carpets and some severely faded bad art depicting sailboats on the wall. After sitting in the waiting room for 10 minutes across from a rather large hispanic woman who was breathing heavily and reading People magazine, the doctor himself came out. He called her name and told me the receptionist will be right with me.


A few minutes later a tall 40 something blonde biker-esque woman comes through the door, presumably from her lunch break and hands me a stack of papers to fill out. I do so dutifully, as I am desperate for some relief and really just need someone with a license to write a prescription. I don't care that this office makes me feel like I am having a nightmare or that the smell of the coffee burning in the coffee maker in the corner is making me sick. I will never understand why there are 6 different forms that ask for the same information about insurance only in different formats, but I fill them all out.


When the doc calls me in, I am appalled by his office. Between the peeling paint, the thick layer of dust and the stacks of papers, I can barely focus, but he instructs me to sit in this rather uncomfortable and tiny chair and when I sit in it I sink to about a foot from the floor. The chair is a pattern that you see in cheap furniture stores, all velour and forest green and maroon and plum with shapes on it. I feel like some kind of dwarf and feel like this is a psychological tactic to make me docile but who knows. I suppose he sees real crazies there and not just sad moms who hate their babies.


The thing is that as we got talking I really liked him. He's a genuinely nice guy. He was very interested in things other than just what he could prescribe me and in fact said that he refused to over-medicate me and wanted to error on the side of caution and not up my dosage too high right away. He told me about his sister, the Roman Catholic nun and I told him about my demon child. He joked about exorcisms in the area (if you dont watch the news you won't get that one) and I assured him that even though my kid was likely the spawn of satan I would not hurt her. He reminded me of Robin Williams's character in Good Will Hunting. Harmless, a little vulnerable maybe, but smart.


He offered me bubble gum. And he blew a bubble himself. Why I found this comforting I do not know, but he made me feel like in a few weeks I would be fine. He sent me out with a prescription and orders to call him in 2 weeks with my progress in case he did indeed need to raise my dosage of happy pills.


He told me to get some sleep and prescribed something for me to take. He insisted I ask for help and take it so that I could rest a little.


Why I feel so at ease now probably has more to do with the drugs than any actual improvement in my situation. Like I said, the kid is pretty pissed off still, and is still crying, despite the fact that I have been typing for 10 minutes now. But I don't care. I will let Ben deal with her. I know she'll be fine. Maybe I'll even be fine.


............................




Tuesday, August 21, 2007 11:44 AM - Another day...Another day


I feel so shitty that I don't like my kid. And that isnt even entirely true. She is adorable and cute and wonderful and she smiles at me and makes faces and tries to coo at me. And I love her for it.

But the mundane day to day of holding her and feeding her and changing her and attempting to figure out what the fuck is wrong with her when she cried suddenly for absolutely no discernable reason is exhausting. I feel like a failure at this mother thing. And I am doubly disappointed because for the first few weeks it seemed so natural and I felt so into it. I was in the moment and I was her mommy and I jumped when she fussed and wanted nothing more than to make her happy.


Now I look at her and think "please sleep all day so that I don't have to deal with you."


What the hell kind of person am I? Have I failed at the most natural thing a girl is supposed to do? What if I never really feel like she is mine? Like she is some visitor that has overstayed her welcome and I want her to go home already? She has no where to go. And when I think about this, I wonder, "would I even miss her?" Is that what I need to feel something for her? To be away? Or would I enjoy my freedom so much that I could abandon her forever? I never imagined I would be feeling this way.


Maybe I should have myself committed. Its sad when you think that the mental hospital is appealing as a vacation spot because it somehow absolves you of the responsibility for feeling and being present in your own life. No one would blame me for taking off if that is where I landed. I would be considered "sick" and people would rush in to help me and to tell me how no one would be mad at someone with cancer for needing a hospital stay, even if there was this completely dependent little being at home who needs me endlessly.


I just pray that this gloom lets up a little bit, and soon. I pray that she never has to know that I feel this way about her. I pray that someday I stop feeling like she has taken me away from myself and turned me into this "other thing" that remembers the old me and mourns for her. I hope that someday I stop resenting her for being so needy. She's just a baby. She's just a baby.


I am the grown up here. I have to pretend I am okay for her sake, right? Or does it even matter? She won't remember me like this. And maybe by the time she knows what is going on I will have mastered the art of wanting to be her mom. Or at least I will fool myself into believing that its what I want. Even as I type it, I feel that somewhere in there, I actually do want that. And that I could be good at it, if only I didn't feel so fucking unreal.

Stuff I'm thinking

The fun part of having a blog is that you can run random thoughts by complete strangers who may or may not read what you are putting out there. 

I have always been pretty passionate about politics.  Not in a real, overly involved sort of way.  But more in a "I cannot stand the world I live in" sort of way.  Everyone has their way of contributing to their cause and I feel like my way of contributing is to bitch about it to complete strangers. 

Before I had Lila, I had a little website I called "Selenaland" (which I am sure you can still find) where I just posted random bits of news and commentary on them.  And it was a release for me because I didn't have to scare my co-workers with my talk of revolution and slapping George W. Bush in the face if I ever met him.  But since I have become "Lila's Mom" (the loss of identity is another post) I don't have that outlet any more.

I have seen blogs by moms who are also into politics, but truthfully, I don't associate most of my political beliefs with the fact that I am a mom.  Can I possibly explain my vehement hatred of Jim Boehner (which I always pronounce as BONER) or my adamant support of Obama away just with the fact that Lila is on this earth?  Not really.  But being someone who is a working class mother and not an academic or a professional commentator certainly gives me a different view than, say, Glenn Beck (the fact that I try not to eat the pretty mushrooms also contribute to that enormous difference of opinion).

In the next few weeks, I am going to launch my blog and would love to have some other regular contributors.  Perhaps someone who would also join me on the occasional podcast.  If you find you feel like you have some opinions you'd like to anonymously put out there, let me know.  I'd love to collaborate.

Again, I am just thinking "out loud" here.

Things I swore I would never do.

Before I was a mom, I knew exactly how to raise children (other people's).  I swore that I would never:

• Make separate dinners for my kid.  She could go to bed hungry if she didn't like what I made for dinner (...but she will only eat hot dogs and mac and cheese...and if she doesn't eat she doesn't sleep.)
• Lay in bed with my kid every night until she went to sleep.  They need to learn to sleep on their own. (...but I would rather not fight with her for 3 hours and cannot get any time for myself - or her poor father - until she is out.)
• Put my kid on a leash. It's mean and people laugh at you. (This, I never did.  But I swear I get why you would.  Toddlers are FAST!)
• "LET" my kid throw a fit in public.  My kid will be well-behaved. (...it's really funny how you think you could control that, but short of bribing there is no good solution but to leave - and then they've won.)
• Make food into shapes and designs so that it will be "fun" to eat. I will simply teach my kid to like trying new things.  (see above.)
• Let my kid watch TV.  It destroys their brains and there is nothing good that can come of it. (...No one tells you it's the only way you can get ready for work.  And actually, Lila was counting to 20 and knew her alphabet at 2 years old, so it can't be all bad.)
• Watch the same movie over and over and over and over and over because my kid would be more cultured than that. (This is simply a joke.  If you want to have a few quiet moments in your house, this is not optional.)
• Listen to stupid Raffi and other kiddie music ad nauseum in the car (yup....and I sing along at the top of my lungs too).
• Shop at Wal-Mart because they are evil. (There is no way I am buying ANYTHING at full price when it will only be destroyed the moment I turn my back).
• Scream at my kid like a maniac and threaten to lose my mind. (Yes, Lila has driven me to the point of sanity.  I am thoroughly surprised the both of us have survived to this point intact.)
• Talk incessantly about every stupid detail of my kid's life. (Except that it is my (other) full-time job, my greatest accomplishment, and  my biggest source of stress all in one...There's about 80% of the things people talk about.  What else is there to discuss?  POLITICS?)
• Care what other people thought about my parenting ability. (It is the biggest insult in the world!)

I am sure I missed some, but Lila's imaginary friends need some juice so I have to go and entertain all 14 of them now.  Please, feel free to add on.

The dreaded shots

I had to take Lila for her 2 year check up the other day and I started dreading it weeks in advance. Would it traumatize her forever? Now that she is old enough would she scream every time we mentioned the doctor because she remembers being poked and stuck with needles?

Turns out, no. My brave girl didnt even cry when they gave her that one shot. She had the pouty face and looked like she might burst into tears, but she didn't. And when they did her finger prick she said "OWWW" but was fascinated as she watched them squeeze blood from her little tiny finger.

Once in a while I am so proud of her that it makes me want to puke.

Why you spell things in front of little ones.

Lila is a blabbermouth. She isn't 2 yet and she counts to 20 and pretty much repeats everything she hears. You'll appreciate this...

I have the book "Worse than Watergate" which has a nice photo of Bush and Cheney on the cover. Like 6 months ago, Lila pointed to it and said "whats that" and I said "Douchebags". She walked around saying douchebags for like 10 minutes then dropped it. I learned not to say that again.

Well, like last week she pulls the book off the shelf and gets all excited and yells "DOUCHEBAG BOOK!!!!"

Sometimes I am so proud of her.