Families come in all shapes and sizes and degrees of fucked-upness. Rich or poor, absent or omnipresent, whether they criticise too much or care too little - there is always unhappiness to speak about. And just like many people out there, I'm unfortunately not very happy about mine.
posted by beautiful at 12:48 am
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Spoke to her again today and got the sense that she'd been talking about it to my brothers, coming to terms with it. And she said to me, you'd better learn the language if you want to work there.
My fingers are crossed.
posted by beautiful at 6:11 am
I told my mum this evening for the third time that I was going to quit my job and move. She acted as if it was the first time I'd ever said anything. I can't tell if her memory is that bad or if she's deep in denial. I think she was holding her tongue - her concerns, her (sometimes irrational) fears, her strange notions. But ultimately she said that she wanted me to be happy, and I had her blessing as long as I knew what I was doing.
I'm not sure I'm entirely convinced it wasn't lip service, but I guess this is as good as it gets. I should really just take her word for it. I should really treat her like a princess for the next 2.5 months.
posted by beautiful at 5:23 am
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Merry Christmas...
I went home for dinner today and before we ate, I lay in bed with my Mum. I found a little card I'd given her in 1999 that had dropped out of her Bible. We held hands and talked. About the busy day she had entertaining an unresponsive guest who turned out to not know how to speak English. The conversation turned to how I've been feeling like a grinch this Christmas. And she laughed and said she felt happy because she knows she's had such a good life - winning a scholarship to study abroad for 9 months, meeting people from all over the world. Sure she's had some hard knocks, but she accepts what she has lost, and is happy with what she now has. She knows there are others who are worse off - like this family she read about in the news who survives on only $450 a month. I was so humbled by her words. But then she grew quiet and told me she can't even have a conversation with my dad anymore. She tried to, today, recognising that she hasn't been very nice to him through the year, and instead he got snappish and lost his temper. It must be such great sorrow to live in a house with a man you used to love, but who has now become a stranger. I wonder if she's tormented by guilt like I am. And holding her hand, which has become much thinner, I told her that my dad would have appreciated it if he knew what she was trying to do. I feel so sad to think about what we've been through in the last few years. But I also feel so blessed that she is my mother; I am the luckiest girl in the whole wide world.
posted by beautiful at 5:06 am
Saturday, December 18, 2010
I've been having difficulty writing my Christmas cards this year. I realise I haven't been particularly social - haven't gone out much, seen much, done much. The difference to the previous years is stark. I can't name a concert or play I've seen, a really good party I've attended, a mind-blowing experience I've had. Or can I?
Of course the defining experience of 2010 was finding love. That can't be discounted. I've had approximately 3 weeks of bliss dining out, going to movies, travelling, waking up with someone next to me. The rest of the time was spent online, but that's a trade-off and I don't regret it.
Outside of this newly-minted relationship, there was work. God knows how much I've griped about it. But the positives are as follows: I work with a very small and fairly supportive team, who are very driven when it comes to women's issues. I've never before hung out with girls who cared so much about local and global issues to pertaining to women: politics, health, money, philanthropy, love. I've written some stories that have touched women or made them laugh, and I just finished what I consider my piece de resistance, urging women to not give up their hopes of finding a man. Maybe I've also learnt more about womanhood; its vulnerability, its strength.
It's been very quiet, but I know that things will change very soon. The first quarter of 2011 is going to be busy, and it's going to be good. I've got KL lined up for January, and Perth in March. The tickets have been booked. I'm looking forward to the merriment of Chinese New Year. I also have an exit plan. 2011 is the year that things are going to happen, and it all starts now.
:)
posted by beautiful at 8:31 am
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
One month left of 2010. A friend told me yesterday that 3-4 months into this current job of mine, she noticed how things seemed to have slid downhill. I know I've been down about the job. But I've tried hard not to let it suck the life out of me and turn me into a soulless, humourless automaton. I resent so many things about it - the mundaneness of endless meetings, the need to go through so many levels of approval, the processes, the stupid women I have to meet that I don't care two hoots about but then have to convince my bosses are worth it, the utter lack of creativity and voice and autonomy that I possess, the ridiculous bottlenecks, the coldness of the corporate culture. At first I thought I didn't like it but today, after counting down so many months and now that I can see the end in sight (2.5 months to go) and feel this enormous sense of lethargy every morning and waves of nausea going into work and a general absence of well-being, feeling like a Coke can that is shaken up every hour, I can probably safely say this is hell. I saw my mum today and remarked to her about how physically and emotionally exhausted my job has made me. And she agreed. She said "Quit." And I recall how months ago after a session of complaining, she said to me she would support me financially if I did. I think it's the safest place I'll ever be - knowing my mum has my back even if I wouldn't take her up on the offer.
Something else has been bugging me. It's how some of my friendships have started to look like loose threads hanging off my clothes. One brush and they are gone. It's so fucking ridiculous - there are people I see twice a year because of school or work, friends who no longer honour their promises to meet, those who don't even bother when I'm hanging at the end of my tether and desperately need help. Part of me wants to cut them off - why leave them there - and another part of me feels so sad about it because I'm really not as heartless as that. But ultimately it comes down to this: I'm too tired with work and too fucked up with it to go chasing after anything anymore. So I will try once, maybe twice, but really, that's it. I can't be the only one trying to work magic here, and anyway, I refuse.
posted by beautiful at 6:16 am
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
So after the weekend of crazy emotions, I've spent the last two days on another rollercoaster ride. This time on my own, with no assistance from him. And I've realised the feelings are internal, inside me. There is a lot of negativity that springs from previous feelings of abandonment, cultural bias, general insecurity and fear of losing the people closest to me. Justified or not, all of this has culminated in a big, public display of jealousy. A seven-hour performance on Sunday, to be precise. In fact, I was talking to my brother about murders in the papers, and he revealed that most of the cases he's seen in his line of work have been crimes of passion - unrequited love, jealousy, bitterness. There you have it. The green-eyed monster rears its ugly head, just like in
Othello.
I've been doing some reading online about jealousy. A lot of the information out there is intuitive. If left to fester, it can ruin a relationship. Controlling it requires self-awareness, and calmly communicating one's thoughts and feelings to a partner. That hasn't exactly been my MO up to this point. I've just let myself go psycho-crazy.
I oscillate between feeling relatively happy and feeling absolutely livid at the prospect of things that haven't taken place, but which I'm SURE will happen. Then I start pointing fingers, apportioning the blame for crises that haven't unfolded. I also dream of the hurt, which just makes me want to withdraw. Seriously, I need to stop imagining the worst.
Another thing that I need to do is build up my self-confidence. I need to recognise the strength that is within myself and be assured of that goodness. This is a process I can't undertake on my own.
And ultimately, overcoming this consuming emotion is about acquiring a new life-long skill. I don't want to give vent to negativity anymore. I want to be more generous with my thoughts and deeds. So I have some new mantras.
Be good to myself.
Be kinder to others.
Cherish my relationship.
Keep breathing and keep talking.
Whatever will be, will be.
posted by beautiful at 7:28 am
Saturday, October 02, 2010
We had an argument tonight. It was one of those things where there's no getting over it. I just have to suck it up. Angry and hurt, I went off to a wedding. There, I bumped into Pom's cousin. It was completely unexpected. And looking at him reminded me of 2007, of what I felt and who I used to be. I don't know why I feel so anguished. Maybe it's partly due to the wedding and the in-your-face reminder that I might not get married or that if I do, my dad won't be there to walk my down the aisle. Or maybe it's the fact that we argued and there was no resolution, and that everytime we fight I doubt us a little. Or just maybe missing the one who got away. In other news, I was forced to down a glass of bubbly. I made it almost half the way before I ended up spitting the rest all over my perpetrator. I feel physically sick now. Maybe it's befitting of the mood I'm in. I can't take this right now.
posted by beautiful at 11:01 am
I am incredulous that someone so giving, warm and gentle has come into my life and thinks that I --
me -- am perfect. I never thought something this wonderful could happen to me.
The other night we were talking. He was impersonating an imaginary cat that we have. At the end of the conversation he said "Love you." I said "Love you too." That's the closest we've come to saying the words.
posted by beautiful at 7:01 am
My parents met at a dinner in Bangkok, maybe in 1968, while they were travelling. It was my aunt's brother-in-law who'd introduced them. They exchanged addresses -- in those days, they didn't have email or mobile phones. Before my mother made it back here, my eager dad had already gone knocking on her door, much to the suspicion of my grandparents. And just like that, they started hanging out -- my dad, a stowaway from communist China, who was tall and had clear skin and good teeth, and my mum, who fell for all that.
posted by beautiful at 7:05 am
