if you like movie posters, and all things graphic design...

I thought this was a cool website.
*click*

to be fairly honest, I'm puzzled as to how I kept this blog untouched. There was a time and point in my life where I depended on this blog to keep my life going.

The past 6-7 months have been the most brutal but most challenging moments in my life this year.

If I'm being honest, why hide it back?
I fell into depression, underwent a series of psychology treatments and was under antidepressants to stop my panic attacks that went on a daily basis for almost 2 months straight.

In the process, I lost some of my friends, others of which I found out were truly my real friends and I lost bits of myself I couldn't claim. Having said that, I'm in a much better place, focusing on what I do best, my design work... and Im ready to start this blog again, though I'm considering of opening a new one.

i dont know who i need anymore, let alone who i want, or what i need.

i've been getting help.
which i'll admit has been helping more than i thought it would.
but every now and then i crash when i get the time to.

i've come accept the fact that i'm not fixable.

that eventually or hopefully, someone can tolerate all my flaws.

because truth is,

i've been a mess.

never in a million years would i have thought i would have been this messed up.
to the point where im seeking a lot of help.
(i can't say too much)

truth is,
i miss what we used to be.

or what we still could be,
if you got over your immature insecurities.. sigh.

you know what's a scary feeling?

the thought of being so dependent on someone. So dependent you forget how to live independently..

it's like leaving a newborn child in a closet and asking him/her to find the it's way out...

if anything the past few days, who am i kidding, WEEKS, have made me feel so helplessly dependent on the one person who i let myself feel so vulnerable with.. and if anything, i completely forgot what it means or what it felt like to be independent! To go about my day as if he never walked into my life. Sure enough it was so much easier to do that knowing at the end of the day, i'd have that one person i can call up and tell everything that happened to.. It's a strange feeling really, cause as my sister said to me a few days back, how i cant be that pathetically helpless, if anything i've got so much swag (yes she used the word swag), it's unreal..

and what's stranger is that...i know what that feels like.. the feeling you get when you strut into a club, or into a restaurant, or a bar and you're walking towards your friends and you can feel the glare of everyone else around you, guys and girls staring at you with envy or jealousy or with interest..
But what i cant grasp, is finding that ability to make myself feel good all the time!

I wouldn't come close to feeling sorry for myself if i was a third person looking in. I feel disgusted! How did i let myself become that shallow? How did I let anyone make me feel like that!?

the way i see it, i have two options..
i can A) find the inner strength to pick myself up and walk away and wait to see what happens cause if god really has better plans for me, then i should have faith.
B) sulk and stay isolated and risk losing everything by being overly depressed and needy.

doesnt mean i've lost all hope in what could still be.. i just think karma's biting me back in the a** and for everything i've done, you deserve to run free.. and if you're as tame as i remember you to be, you'll know how to come home.. come home to me.

you can always pretend you know what's best.. but the heart always knows best.. so where does yours lay?

cause some see the ghost of who they've become when confronted with the truth.
and it kinda looks like this.

4 more days till i get to restore my life, build my relationships back, sort my shit out before uni starts.
and i can only hope to god, my life somewhat leaves me feeling at peace before that happens.. or so help me, i'm going to be crying on the floor/bed whatever for the next few days.

i'm not that tough as it seems, whoever said i was?

I wonder if it's possible to repeatedly bash my head against the wall and function better...

a good saturday night out. <3