If you're avoiding blogging about it...

....maybe you shouldn't be doing it.

Ok

so true confessions -- I backslid a bit emotionally with Tex.

He reached out to me with a branch of friendship (my achilles heel) -- and I got sucked back in to the idea of him

and when he was sure that the hook sank a bit -- he eased back

wow

that sounds horrible right?

But here's what I've decided

He just wants to know that I'm there if he wants me
but

He doesn't really want me
He thinks he might want me
he might even want to want me

but he doesn't

and

I have to just remind myself that this is manipulative behavior (outside of the level of manipulation that we consent to) -- and unhealthy for me

and even if he isn't acting out of malice
it is horribly selfish of him
and I must not allow this to continue.

In the meantime -- I am back vanilla dating (God help me) -- and also have a lovely date with my FWB, D on my birthday where we will go out to my favorite restaurant and then appreciate the crap out of each other until we pass out.

Happy Birthday to me.

Qualities of a man

If you haven't seen this Ted Talk on how to date online - it's brilliant -- and funny -- and just about the best advice ever

and so

I plan to put it to work -- now I suggest you watch her -- because she has it down to a science

but

I'll sum it up

1)  We're not too picky -- we're not picky enough

The idea is that there needs to be a certain quantity of qualities present to get even a cursory contact  -- and if you spend time talking to those who don't meet that criteria -- you're wasting your time and theirs -- and potentially not talking to/meeting the right people

2)  We're not thoughtful about what we want

Yeah -- I have a list of things I like -- but when I come across someone with whom I have a few similarities-- I forget to look at how important those things are to my future happiness -- Do I really care if they like the movie Fargo? -- most likely not -- but being a good communicator -- that's high on the list.

So - given this -- it's time to think about what I want -- and that's what I'll be blogging about here in the next few days -- and trying to quantify the value of those things --

B

PS -- don't know what the deal is with the guy from yesterday -- we chatted in a friendly way last night via text - and today he's dropped off the planet (shrugs)

we'll see

b

Something in the way she...

There must be something about me that attracts them

because even when I'm trying to find a vanilla guy

I find a Dom

now

don't get excited -- but I'm talking to someone who I met on a "vanilla" site -- and turns out -- he's more Dom than not -- and most likely is about as Dom as I am sub.

which doesn't suck

we haven't had a first meeting - but I am hopeful - he's a good guy -- and who knows

we'll find out if he gets a nickname

In the meantime

Tex has been texting me -- which makes me think that perhaps he's reading here again -- although I don't see him on my statcounter -- it's certainly possible.

Apparently the reason he dropped off the earth after our last attempt to make things work was the realization that the Pixie is part of the package

yes yes -- he was there for the whole thing

but his indecision about being a Dad again etc etc

and while this irritated me a bit
I realize I'm over it

I don't want someone who reluctantly would be my partner and help me raise my child
but a full partner

He still wants to be friends which -- yes -- I interpret as -- I still want to keep a toe in the pond "just in case"

and while I should tell him to kiss off -- as the "friend zone" is my achilles heel -- I have not

the truth is I miss him as a friend

you may all prepare your "I told you so" comments for a later date -- if there's a pool going I'm buying the square for July for getting my feelings hurt again

because I am a dumbASS (BTW -- it wouldn't let me type d u m b a s s -- and wanted to change it to dumbs)

as if dumb-ass isn't a common expression on the internet

stay tuned my lovelies -- hopefully this new contender will get his own name and your heroine will get her happy ending

or

piles of misery that will make for good blogging.

XXOO

B

Looming

My vacation is right around the corner

a road trip for 3 generations of women

me
my mom
and my little one

trapped in the car

for a 14 1/2 hour drive

we plan on potty training on the way -- and maybe even teaching my mom how to text on her phone

and I am insanely excited
and terrified at the same time

at some point everyone in the car is bound to be in tears

hopefully not all at once

If you're a friend IRL there'll be a travel log
and

here -- well - here you'll get to read all of my awfulness
because if I don't let it out here we might make the national news

Toddler Sole Survivor in Ill Fated Vacation

stay tuned readers

I'm off to put Pixie to bed

A Beating

HA -- I tricked you

no no

not THAT kind of beating

the first meeting beating

when all you thought was awesome about someone ends up being
the only thing that was awesome about them

I jumped the gun and agreed to a first meeting skipping phone -- because we connected so well online

just a coffee

and

endless

fucking

coffee

filled with painful silences

a fruitless attempt to get me to sit in his car with him
and

awkward exchanges like this:

Me:  So - what are some of your favorite places around here (town I used to live in)
Him:  Oh - Jason's Deli is great -- and Target - -I love Target - -but everything there is so expensive - -like $20 more than Walmart --
Me:  Why don't you just shop at Walmart?
Him:  Walmart's always a madhouse - but I end up going over to Walmart and getting it and then taking the other back to Target -- but Target has better things so it's easier to pick something because Walmart will have other brands that are crap and don't hold up right next to it....

fucking shoot me

I felt like I was being punked.
and I seriously considered the fake emergency text from my mom

I took a shower for this
and wasted a night of babysitting

I put on makeup
and a dress

on the way home I got a text from him saying "Sorry -- I meant to give you money for your mom to sit"
I reminded him that A) I don't need it and B)  my mom sits for free -- and he says, "I just wanted you to know I'm responsible"

sigh

I should have taken the money

I earned it

B

Unsolicited

I was on the phone with a new lawn guy and mentioned that I prefer not to be home when he mows due to my allergies and he offered me the number of his doctor who could help me

because my allergies are nothing but a psychosomatic reaction from some sort of

yeah

I stopped listening

I just want my fucking lawn mowed dude

"just mow my fucking lawn -- and get the fuck out"


yes -- it's allergy season here -- and actually I'm doing well

I had all of those tests last year
and no

they didn't do anything to help me other than to NAME my allergies

I never found that naming the things that plague me helps  -- but WTF -- at least I feel validated that there are actual things that I am allergic to - not just monsters under the bed that I imagined

funny thing
the thing that actually helped me the most in my allergy testing was a comment made by the tech doing the tests

I told her I didn't think it was good for me to take so much medicine for my allergies -- and she laughed at me -- and said, "oh -you are hardly on anything"

and so -- I added a 3rd med

and ta-da!

allergies under control

now I find myself
unsolicited

telling people it's perfectly ok to take Singular -- and Zyrtec -- and Flonase -- and add some Musinex nighttime at night not he bad days -- "you'll feel great"

while they think

"just buy your fucking groceries lady - and get the fuck out."

Online again

So now that things have settled

I have started to try to date again

because yes -- I would like someone to share with
and I would like to have sex again

well

not bad sex
but

at least ok to good sex
you know?

I'm spending way too much time playing with Curious George -- and not enough time hmm -- playing with another man's monkey

we'll say that.

so I'm dating online again

and find that

as before -- either they like ME way too much
or I like THEM too much

or

they are completely inappropriate

my personal favorites are the ones that tell me that "age is only a number"

Me:  You're 31
Him:  Age is only a number, I want 2 date u.

sigh

oh sweetie no

just no

and while there may have been a time when I might have said yes
and might have had a good time doing it

I would never
ever
screw a man
too lazy to type a 3 letter word