A short-length note inspired by my soon to be short-length hair.

In a few hours' time, I will be saying good bye to my long hair, pink I/C, the comforts of home, the sweet luxury of freedom and the ability to speak often and easily to you, whoever you are, reading this note right now.

This is the exact moment all Singaporean boys will have to go through inorder to be recognized as a true blue Singaporean man; the exact moment which most if not all of my male peers have had gone through and now it is finally my turn. After a dreary wait of 3 long years.

I'm currently not feeling sad or angsty. There is only an immense load of restlessness mixed with a tinge of anxiousness residing within my heart. I mean life at this very point of time feels really fine and smooth to me. I have a spot in a local U, the few close friends studying abroad are back home, I am able to spend quality time with the people I want to WHEN I want to and there is currently a golden opportunity at work waiting at my doorstep. Everything is in their rightful positions, I am glad for that and what more can I possibly ask for? But just as I'm getting comfortable with how things are, I am required (by law) to embrace a 180 degree change in lifestyle; a leap into the unknown future at the possible expense of the near-perfect present, where is the logic you tell me? Think with your backside also will know don't take the jump la.

But as much as I dislike, embracing this particular change is a must. Not only because I have to do my part as a male citizen of this country, but that is also the only logical thing to do when faced with a change - embrace it. No point fighting it and according to my wise pal the sy lama, "[t]o hope for otherwise too fervently creates unnecessary suffering for yourself". We do things either for pleasure or for pain, so why not take the former? And what's life without a bit of adventure into the unknown? Maybe we don't always need to feel secure about everything inorder to have a fufilling and fruitful life. Just jump and have faith that things will work out and go well. They always mysteriously do anyway.

I had an awesome 7-month summer break, it was a good change from the usual mugging lifestyle I've been having since I was 7. Within the past 7 months all I did was slack at home, went ahead to Vietnam and had a great time, came back to slack even more, hung out with my pals whenever time and wallet permits, participated in a few radio show recordings, continued to slack/ bum even more and I just came back from a filling supper with my buddy the wongey. So...yeah, life's been really great so far and I see no reason why it shouldn't continue to be this way after today. All that's left for me to do now is to head to THE pulau tekong with an open mind and begin this new chapter with a heart full of faith, hope, memories and positivity.

Thank you all who've made my summer so memorable. Life would've sucked so much without you. Yes, you. As you can tell I'm getting abit incoherent so I will end off here. I will see you soon enough, in black and bald. In the words of my friend the Martina:

This isn't good bye, it's good night :)

yes.

There is something beautiful about all scars, whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with. - Harry Crews

01.

The surrounding lights start to dim, or so it seemed. Like Light was leaving your world for good. Still trying to digest what you were just told, simultaeneously your body starts to react, very much to your surprise. "Oh God, I can't breathe." Asphyxiation. Oh yeah, so that's how it feels.

The gravity of those words start to sink in. Something the likes of a black hole was immediately conjured and manifested in the mid-section of your entire being. The sucking begins. Your heart, guts and all other nonsense that constitutes your soul starts swirling toward the centre of the ongoing chaos. You feel sick and helpless while trying to cling on to what mattered, desperately hoping that things doesn't have to go this way but it's useless. What's not meant to be will never be. All was planned and prosperity along with hope was promised. Or so it was said.

Like a fish swimming in a maelstrom, everything you do, anything you think just made no sense. All is pointless in this dying universe. All you could do and want to do is to just lie on the floor, to prepare for this untimely but seemingly imminent return to the very womb of Mother Earth. You look up and life didn't flash before your eyes, what stared back was only a cement sky. And a face, a warm face that's starting to lose its colour while you think you're losing yours.

You lay in the same spot for what felt like the passing of a few milleniums when in fact it's only been a minutes. Thoughts are still racing within your skull; so fast that you don't even know what they are. You realize that you're still breathing, still alive. But something feels different, missing, absent, empty. That is the very precise moment you finally understand what it means to have a small part of you dying off. That hollow sensation, the aftermath of a loss is what remains, reminding you that Life still courses through your veins even when you're wading in a pool of pain, which density was so high you thought no one could have endured and survive in. Pain becomes no longer a sensation, it's now an abstract concept only those who've been through what you just did can understand. Welcome to the morbid squad, you tell yourself.

Surprisingly something so incorporeal can have a collapse of such a grandeur scale. Maybe it was something more, but you already start to tell yourself it doesn't matter anymore.

So ladies and gentlemen, this is the chronicle of my first heartbreak. Time goes by and life moves on. I couldn't have what I want but I will be fine. Eventually.

Owl.

eletheowl. Amazing stuff she shares on her tumblr. Been down with a bad bout of stomach flu. Will update soon with Part 3!

Two.

As good as the 3 years’ experience was, I don’t think I was ever happy with what I was doing and how things were at that point of time. And I think I still am not.

Don’t get me wrong, I liked what I was studying, but I just wasn’t happy. I was in this alone. Though it is possible that one can draw a certain amount of joy from solitude, but how long can it last and is it even sustainable in the long run? I can’t tell because not that sort of person. Most of my friends were either serving NS or pursuing tertiary education somewhere else. The situation is still about the same right now.

I’m not envious about the things or commitment that my peers are doing or are involved in; I am envious about the fact that they have someone they know well in it with them. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can never be doing the same things as what my peers are doing at the same point of time, but I don’t think I can ever convince myself that it’s okay to be doing things alone while others trudge on with companions by their side instead of behind them. The idea of doing the same something with someone else I know is strangely comforting. To have a friend to go to class with, to look forward to school because you know you’ll see that/those special face(s) that will make you feel as though everything is going to be okay, to be at the same stage of life with everyone else you grew up with and to not feel so alienated.

And the reason why I’m finding it so hard to get over it is because for some of those standing next to them are not just any other Tom, Dick or Sally, they are actually the people I grew up with during my formative years as a teenager; the people I call my closest and best friend(s), the people I desperately want to continue growing up and spend time with. It feels really unfair that they can have each other’s company so seemingly easy, as though it was something by default while I had to make do with acquaintances. And sometimes, it makes me feel as though taking the path I took was something wrong and this serves as a form of punishment.

Again, to clarify, I do appreciate the company and warmth provided by the people I’ve met in NP, but it really is something less as compared to what you can have from a friend. This can be compared to the likes of choosing your choice of wine during a meal. Naturally you’d choose the one that has a certain long age to go with your food because it’s just better.

I guess I really shouldn’t be complaining too much about how crappy this situation is because honestly I have myself to blame for bringing this upon myself. New friends can be made, and if I hadn’t been so persistent about grades before people or the idea of old is better than new, I may have made more than just 2 good friends from school by now.

To say so much, I’m not asking for anyone’s sympathy. Neither am I saying that the world should end because I’m unhappy with the way things are nor am I demanding anyone to lead their life the way they least deserve to because I am envious of how things seem to be in his/her life. It’s selfish and it’s not right to be thinking in this manner. All I’m trying to say is I would really prefer if my life doesn’t have to be led in such a lonesome manner. Not that I’m a clingy person, but doing something, be it work, a task, a mission or an activity with a friend alongside, won’t you agree that that is definitely a better situation than doing it by yourself? If not, why would you group with someone you are close to for a class project? If not, why would you want to stand next to someone you know in a sea of strangers? If not, why would you even want to make friends? Perhaps things will be better once I start making new friends while serving NS, and perhaps then will I start to feel a stronger sense of camaraderie in my life.

(end of part 2)

One.

What you’re about to read is the reflection of the life of yours truly in the years 2008, 2009, 2010 and a little bit of 2011.

A short history lesson before we begin:
2007 was when a meteor landed in my world. I got kicked out of cjc due to the inability to meet the minimum requirement asked of a repeat student: to score at least an ‘E’ grade for all examinable subjects in the promotional exams. I had only manage to score a D, E, S & U. Naturally, the school wasn’t lenient enough to let me sit for a sub-paper and the decision was made for me to leave the school since I didn’t promise what I would achieve and had to honour my words.

It was honestly devastatingly brutal, like ripping off a plaster in one fast clean sweep motion, only multiply it by a few hundred times folds and doing it to your heart. But as painful as it was, the world continued to spin and life carried on. Eventually, I came to terms with this fact and went on to Ngee Ann Polytechnic to continue furthering my studies.

So 2008 was ushered in as I walked back alone to the starting point.

I remember feeling really apprehensive and scared before the start of everything at NP. What if they look down on me after knowing that I’m a kick out? What if I can’t fit in? What if I don’t do well again? These were the thoughts running through my mind at that point of time. There was nothing but negativity and apprehensiveness about my new beginning in this new world. Going to a polytechnic was never a choice during my growing up years back in SJI. Everyone was geared to continue our academic life after graduation at a junior college or at an overseas institution, never once thought about the possibility of doing so in a polytechnic. Not that there’s anything wrong with going to one, it just didn’t cross our mind, at least mine, that this was a worthwhile path to take as well. It was at the point of desperation only then did I realise that this window of opportunity was there for me to take in order to get back on my feet.

But what I didn’t expect was for my journey in NP to be a both a rewarding and humbling experience. A large majority of the people I had met were really accepting. They didn’t mind I was a kick out (or so I think) and saw me for who I was, a normal boy who is there to seek an education, just like them, just like everyone else. Having said so, I guess I owe the nice people (specifically the classmates and cca mates) whom I’ve interacted with in the past an apology. As friendly as they were and still are, I wasn’t exactly reciprocating with a warm return. I kept to myself and focussed on what I could do to excel and score. I thought the friends I have outside of school are enough to keep my social life nourished and there wasn’t any need to make new ones considering the many difficulties one has to face in order to keep the old relationships fresh and alive. Why will one ask for more when you can’t even handle what you already have? But what I had done was selfish and wrong and I sincerely apologize to whoever I’ve unintentionally caused harm to.

Fortunately, the efforts invested in my studies paid off and I can confidently say that I fare better than average. Apart from that, I was exposed to many things I don’t think I would have had the chance to during my JC days. For example:

-The chance to be a part of a photoshoot for CHS publicity for Open House 2008

-Got selected to appear in a tv commercial for Open House 2009 (albeit only 3 seconds)

-Represented school to present my group project with 2 other classmates at an NIE convention

-Be one of the poster boys for NP’s ABM course

-Camp chief of a camp with over 100 participants

And who can forget the 4 months in Wuhan. I know I’ve been to camps that really brought me out of my comfort zone (think OBS), but this experience really topped it all. There wasn’t a single moment gone by without me having to miss someone important in my life. Be it family, close friends and even the dog at home, life just wasn’t the same without having any of them within physical proximity or of a short travelling distance. It was as though I a lost a number of puzzle pieces and the picture was not complete. That whole ordeal was just tough and draining, which is why I’m definitely more than glad to be home and back to everyone else. This has greatly influence my decision on whether or not should I further my studies overseas. The answer is a clear no; although social media and new media have the tools to bridge the gap between people when in different lands, I’m not strong enough to deal with having so many people not physically present in my life at one shot. It will literally kill me. I kid you not.

However, the experience of studying in a foreign land, leading life in a dormitory and experiencing winter for the first time in my life, all these are indeed unforgettable and Wuhan was definitely the highlight of my course.

(End of part 1)

两个背影的出现既然是淡淡无情的嘲讽。

这寂寞城市里，到底有多少人是在黑夜里独自哭泣的？

这残酷的意识，让我看出人类的脆弱性。

安抚的拥抱，似乎只有来自温暖的信念。

天空当被盖，思绪仍是凌乱，不开。

星星，不要再那儿一闪一闪地笑了，可以吗？

0256的风言风语，敬请见谅。

这只是我的寂寞当盾盖。

0106.

It is 12.52am, I find myself neither able to sleep nor have the ability to finish up the resignation letter. And I still have to report to work in about 8 hours' time.

As a new and young adult, I find myself bogged by so many questions about life from now on. I have not had any satisfying answers to any questions so far, just so you know.

How does one keep in constant contact with the ones he care for and love? How can you accept and be ok with the idea that someone whom you used to see almost everyday is now only able to present his/her physical self to you once every few months? What is it that we gave as teenagers to have the life of an adult? Is it mandatory to lead life like a proper adult? Now that I am an adult, am I screwed for not being able to cope with my own problems? What should I do if I feel jealous about not being able to be someone else's constant-factor in his or her life? What is the definition of being a "constant-factor" in someone else's life? Should I ask for more when I can't even handle what I have right now?

And more.

Then again, you will agree with me that thinking about so many things at one shot is definitely not the way to go, much less at this hour.

We all have our own brand of insecurities, regardless big or small, menial or strong. Sorry if, according to attention seeker 'not gay', my posts are gay. I can't help it.

After all, I am human.