030315

Hi, Likewise, I needed time to process whatever you wrote. I took steps to establish a platonic relationship not because ive stopped liking you. I took it because i felt like we werent feeling the same about each other. And i was beginning to mess up you life. And also because someone else came into the picture. Its sucks to tell you this. Because i feel like my liking you suddenly meant so much lesser than it really is. You have to know that its not. There was the time when i would choose you in a heartbeat. But i'm led by my emotions. As hard as it is to say i chose the other way because i always felt like my liking you was one sided, as much as you said it isn't and you went to switch off your timestamp right after. I know what you did was because i was crazy. But it did play a part and i cant deny that it affected me alot. You dont have to be sorry about it. You insisting yours is just infatuation. I know it might have seemed too early then for you to believe it was more than just infatuation for me. I wouldn't go so far as to say that i was disappointed by your actions. I guess it was more mutual, in the sense that i was expecting too much and wanted more than what you could have offered me at the beginning. I felt incredibly happy whenever you showed me the tiniest bit of affection, and sore disappointment whenever you brought up the fact that i shouldnt expect too much from this. I guess that made me shut off my emotions to you. I realised i couldnt and shouldnt bring myself to want this anymore than i should. To be honest, I havent stopped liking you. Even now. But i dont think i can act upon it anymore, since ive already made a decision. And itll be selfish for me to continue keeping you by my side as more than a friend. Also, i dont want you to feel like youre my back up. Cause i would choose you over anyone else in a heartbeat. Weird huh. Knowing you for such a short time only. And im never one to ever feel so strongly for someone. Ive never felt like im giving up on something good until now. I dont think i can be friends with you right now either. Haha. I havent stopped thinking about that kiss and you holding my hand. And its very hard for me to get over you at this point. But at the same time. I dont want to stop talking to you, even if its just as friends. Haha so conflicting right. I dont want us to stop talking But i only have the capacity to be friends with you. I know thats a very selfish thing. So im gonna give you time and space. And for myself too. Just for a little while. Until i can keep my emotions in check. So right now, even if i might not be making the best of choices, i'm still gonna stick to my decision. Should there ever be a time where i get a chance to fight for you again, I definitely would. But right now i can only wish you all the best. All the happiness you can get. And i hope you can find a better person out there better than me. I'm sorry.

Its never abt the other person. It has always been you and me. And to put it honestly. It was too late when you had a change of heart. No because i stopped liking you. But because i couldnt bring myself feel like this anymore. And to put it selfishly. If ever i get another shot at this. I wont let you go anymore. But i cant say all these to you without letting you on or leaving you hanging. Im sorry things had to be this way. Emotionally i dont think i can subject myself like that for now. I know you feel damn shitty now. Im sorry i really want to be there for you. I do. I really cant bear for you to feel this way. Im sorry i cant be there for you anymore, not anything more than in the capacity of friends . As much as i want to. Im sorry.

Im really sorry for putting you through all of these. Theres nothing else i can do to make you feel better. I really meant every single word ive said in the letter. And i hope you will find it in you to let me in again someday. For now, all i can say is all the best in everything you do. Ill always be here if you need someone to talk to. And im sorry for letting you down.

I find myself coming back here to this untended blog because I am desperate. Desperate for a channel to vent my frustrations and desperate for a place to pour out my thoughts. I always looked at those who are bogged down by relationship issues with much distaste. Because it was a grand display of weakness, a sign of incompetence over your own emotions. Until I became a member of the club myself.

The best part is I wasn't even involved in a relationship. I was rejected. I fantasized a future with someone I care deeply for only to see the realization of my greatest fears - it being all one sided. This is as far as I've made out of the situation. Usually this will call for a break of contact so that we can all move on. But I am still in contact with that person and since then it's been a step forward and then two steps back.

I'm trying hard to move on, but I just can't get over the fact that how could I have been wrong? About the signs, the responses and the vibe. You mean one person can be THIS blind and see everything that I've done as purely platonic? Only to realize when I start acting more crazy? And being super affected thinking about what the person say or didn't say to me. All those stupid things that one will subconsciously do when your heart breaks into so many pieces that it's impossible to breakdown even further so your mind volunteers itself to be place of this bondage.

I've tried reading motivational quotes, tried cutting contact, tried watching porn and beating off, considered hooking up with other people and indulge in a grand buffet of lust, tried drowning myself with work, tried working out and tried being uber positive. All to end up with the same outcome: Fail at helping myself move any further. Some even widen the gap between me and my faith; me and my God. It's so damned pointless and useless, all these things that I come up with to help with moving on.

I know better to let God handle this. And to wait patiently. WITHOUT feeling so frustrated about everything. I don't need someone to tell me to wait patiently for things to be better. I don't need someone to tell me life is actually wonderful and things will work out if you read this, if you start practicing more self control, if you would allow another person in, if you can do this, do that bla bla bla bla bla. FUCK all these crap. I know better to what to do. I know what I must do and what I shouldn't do. I know. I really know.

But I don't want to. Because doing that will just yank out what's stuck in my heart like a thorn. And I'm secretly afraid of that. I'm just scared of losing these feelings even though it's bad. Feelings for a douchebag.

A short-length note inspired by my soon to be short-length hair.

In a few hours' time, I will be saying good bye to my long hair, pink I/C, the comforts of home, the sweet luxury of freedom and the ability to speak often and easily to you, whoever you are, reading this note right now.

This is the exact moment all Singaporean boys will have to go through inorder to be recognized as a true blue Singaporean man; the exact moment which most if not all of my male peers have had gone through and now it is finally my turn. After a dreary wait of 3 long years.

I'm currently not feeling sad or angsty. There is only an immense load of restlessness mixed with a tinge of anxiousness residing within my heart. I mean life at this very point of time feels really fine and smooth to me. I have a spot in a local U, the few close friends studying abroad are back home, I am able to spend quality time with the people I want to WHEN I want to and there is currently a golden opportunity at work waiting at my doorstep. Everything is in their rightful positions, I am glad for that and what more can I possibly ask for? But just as I'm getting comfortable with how things are, I am required (by law) to embrace a 180 degree change in lifestyle; a leap into the unknown future at the possible expense of the near-perfect present, where is the logic you tell me? Think with your backside also will know don't take the jump la.

But as much as I dislike, embracing this particular change is a must. Not only because I have to do my part as a male citizen of this country, but that is also the only logical thing to do when faced with a change - embrace it. No point fighting it and according to my wise pal the sy lama, "[t]o hope for otherwise too fervently creates unnecessary suffering for yourself". We do things either for pleasure or for pain, so why not take the former? And what's life without a bit of adventure into the unknown? Maybe we don't always need to feel secure about everything inorder to have a fufilling and fruitful life. Just jump and have faith that things will work out and go well. They always mysteriously do anyway.

I had an awesome 7-month summer break, it was a good change from the usual mugging lifestyle I've been having since I was 7. Within the past 7 months all I did was slack at home, went ahead to Vietnam and had a great time, came back to slack even more, hung out with my pals whenever time and wallet permits, participated in a few radio show recordings, continued to slack/ bum even more and I just came back from a filling supper with my buddy the wongey. So...yeah, life's been really great so far and I see no reason why it shouldn't continue to be this way after today. All that's left for me to do now is to head to THE pulau tekong with an open mind and begin this new chapter with a heart full of faith, hope, memories and positivity.

Thank you all who've made my summer so memorable. Life would've sucked so much without you. Yes, you. As you can tell I'm getting abit incoherent so I will end off here. I will see you soon enough, in black and bald. In the words of my friend the Martina:

This isn't good bye, it's good night :)

yes.

There is something beautiful about all scars, whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with. - Harry Crews

01.

The surrounding lights start to dim, or so it seemed. Like Light was leaving your world for good. Still trying to digest what you were just told, simultaeneously your body starts to react, very much to your surprise. "Oh God, I can't breathe." Asphyxiation. Oh yeah, so that's how it feels.

The gravity of those words start to sink in. Something the likes of a black hole was immediately conjured and manifested in the mid-section of your entire being. The sucking begins. Your heart, guts and all other nonsense that constitutes your soul starts swirling toward the centre of the ongoing chaos. You feel sick and helpless while trying to cling on to what mattered, desperately hoping that things doesn't have to go this way but it's useless. What's not meant to be will never be. All was planned and prosperity along with hope was promised. Or so it was said.

Like a fish swimming in a maelstrom, everything you do, anything you think just made no sense. All is pointless in this dying universe. All you could do and want to do is to just lie on the floor, to prepare for this untimely but seemingly imminent return to the very womb of Mother Earth. You look up and life didn't flash before your eyes, what stared back was only a cement sky. And a face, a warm face that's starting to lose its colour while you think you're losing yours.

You lay in the same spot for what felt like the passing of a few milleniums when in fact it's only been a minutes. Thoughts are still racing within your skull; so fast that you don't even know what they are. You realize that you're still breathing, still alive. But something feels different, missing, absent, empty. That is the very precise moment you finally understand what it means to have a small part of you dying off. That hollow sensation, the aftermath of a loss is what remains, reminding you that Life still courses through your veins even when you're wading in a pool of pain, which density was so high you thought no one could have endured and survive in. Pain becomes no longer a sensation, it's now an abstract concept only those who've been through what you just did can understand. Welcome to the morbid squad, you tell yourself.

Surprisingly something so incorporeal can have a collapse of such a grandeur scale. Maybe it was something more, but you already start to tell yourself it doesn't matter anymore.

So ladies and gentlemen, this is the chronicle of my first heartbreak. Time goes by and life moves on. I couldn't have what I want but I will be fine. Eventually.

Owl.

eletheowl. Amazing stuff she shares on her tumblr. Been down with a bad bout of stomach flu. Will update soon with Part 3!

Two.

As good as the 3 years’ experience was, I don’t think I was ever happy with what I was doing and how things were at that point of time. And I think I still am not.

Don’t get me wrong, I liked what I was studying, but I just wasn’t happy. I was in this alone. Though it is possible that one can draw a certain amount of joy from solitude, but how long can it last and is it even sustainable in the long run? I can’t tell because not that sort of person. Most of my friends were either serving NS or pursuing tertiary education somewhere else. The situation is still about the same right now.

I’m not envious about the things or commitment that my peers are doing or are involved in; I am envious about the fact that they have someone they know well in it with them. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can never be doing the same things as what my peers are doing at the same point of time, but I don’t think I can ever convince myself that it’s okay to be doing things alone while others trudge on with companions by their side instead of behind them. The idea of doing the same something with someone else I know is strangely comforting. To have a friend to go to class with, to look forward to school because you know you’ll see that/those special face(s) that will make you feel as though everything is going to be okay, to be at the same stage of life with everyone else you grew up with and to not feel so alienated.

And the reason why I’m finding it so hard to get over it is because for some of those standing next to them are not just any other Tom, Dick or Sally, they are actually the people I grew up with during my formative years as a teenager; the people I call my closest and best friend(s), the people I desperately want to continue growing up and spend time with. It feels really unfair that they can have each other’s company so seemingly easy, as though it was something by default while I had to make do with acquaintances. And sometimes, it makes me feel as though taking the path I took was something wrong and this serves as a form of punishment.

Again, to clarify, I do appreciate the company and warmth provided by the people I’ve met in NP, but it really is something less as compared to what you can have from a friend. This can be compared to the likes of choosing your choice of wine during a meal. Naturally you’d choose the one that has a certain long age to go with your food because it’s just better.

I guess I really shouldn’t be complaining too much about how crappy this situation is because honestly I have myself to blame for bringing this upon myself. New friends can be made, and if I hadn’t been so persistent about grades before people or the idea of old is better than new, I may have made more than just 2 good friends from school by now.

To say so much, I’m not asking for anyone’s sympathy. Neither am I saying that the world should end because I’m unhappy with the way things are nor am I demanding anyone to lead their life the way they least deserve to because I am envious of how things seem to be in his/her life. It’s selfish and it’s not right to be thinking in this manner. All I’m trying to say is I would really prefer if my life doesn’t have to be led in such a lonesome manner. Not that I’m a clingy person, but doing something, be it work, a task, a mission or an activity with a friend alongside, won’t you agree that that is definitely a better situation than doing it by yourself? If not, why would you group with someone you are close to for a class project? If not, why would you want to stand next to someone you know in a sea of strangers? If not, why would you even want to make friends? Perhaps things will be better once I start making new friends while serving NS, and perhaps then will I start to feel a stronger sense of camaraderie in my life.

(end of part 2)

One.

What you’re about to read is the reflection of the life of yours truly in the years 2008, 2009, 2010 and a little bit of 2011.

A short history lesson before we begin:
2007 was when a meteor landed in my world. I got kicked out of cjc due to the inability to meet the minimum requirement asked of a repeat student: to score at least an ‘E’ grade for all examinable subjects in the promotional exams. I had only manage to score a D, E, S & U. Naturally, the school wasn’t lenient enough to let me sit for a sub-paper and the decision was made for me to leave the school since I didn’t promise what I would achieve and had to honour my words.

It was honestly devastatingly brutal, like ripping off a plaster in one fast clean sweep motion, only multiply it by a few hundred times folds and doing it to your heart. But as painful as it was, the world continued to spin and life carried on. Eventually, I came to terms with this fact and went on to Ngee Ann Polytechnic to continue furthering my studies.

So 2008 was ushered in as I walked back alone to the starting point.

I remember feeling really apprehensive and scared before the start of everything at NP. What if they look down on me after knowing that I’m a kick out? What if I can’t fit in? What if I don’t do well again? These were the thoughts running through my mind at that point of time. There was nothing but negativity and apprehensiveness about my new beginning in this new world. Going to a polytechnic was never a choice during my growing up years back in SJI. Everyone was geared to continue our academic life after graduation at a junior college or at an overseas institution, never once thought about the possibility of doing so in a polytechnic. Not that there’s anything wrong with going to one, it just didn’t cross our mind, at least mine, that this was a worthwhile path to take as well. It was at the point of desperation only then did I realise that this window of opportunity was there for me to take in order to get back on my feet.

But what I didn’t expect was for my journey in NP to be a both a rewarding and humbling experience. A large majority of the people I had met were really accepting. They didn’t mind I was a kick out (or so I think) and saw me for who I was, a normal boy who is there to seek an education, just like them, just like everyone else. Having said so, I guess I owe the nice people (specifically the classmates and cca mates) whom I’ve interacted with in the past an apology. As friendly as they were and still are, I wasn’t exactly reciprocating with a warm return. I kept to myself and focussed on what I could do to excel and score. I thought the friends I have outside of school are enough to keep my social life nourished and there wasn’t any need to make new ones considering the many difficulties one has to face in order to keep the old relationships fresh and alive. Why will one ask for more when you can’t even handle what you already have? But what I had done was selfish and wrong and I sincerely apologize to whoever I’ve unintentionally caused harm to.

Fortunately, the efforts invested in my studies paid off and I can confidently say that I fare better than average. Apart from that, I was exposed to many things I don’t think I would have had the chance to during my JC days. For example:

-The chance to be a part of a photoshoot for CHS publicity for Open House 2008

-Got selected to appear in a tv commercial for Open House 2009 (albeit only 3 seconds)

-Represented school to present my group project with 2 other classmates at an NIE convention

-Be one of the poster boys for NP’s ABM course

-Camp chief of a camp with over 100 participants

And who can forget the 4 months in Wuhan. I know I’ve been to camps that really brought me out of my comfort zone (think OBS), but this experience really topped it all. There wasn’t a single moment gone by without me having to miss someone important in my life. Be it family, close friends and even the dog at home, life just wasn’t the same without having any of them within physical proximity or of a short travelling distance. It was as though I a lost a number of puzzle pieces and the picture was not complete. That whole ordeal was just tough and draining, which is why I’m definitely more than glad to be home and back to everyone else. This has greatly influence my decision on whether or not should I further my studies overseas. The answer is a clear no; although social media and new media have the tools to bridge the gap between people when in different lands, I’m not strong enough to deal with having so many people not physically present in my life at one shot. It will literally kill me. I kid you not.

However, the experience of studying in a foreign land, leading life in a dormitory and experiencing winter for the first time in my life, all these are indeed unforgettable and Wuhan was definitely the highlight of my course.

(End of part 1)

两个背影的出现既然是淡淡无情的嘲讽。

这寂寞城市里，到底有多少人是在黑夜里独自哭泣的？

这残酷的意识，让我看出人类的脆弱性。

安抚的拥抱，似乎只有来自温暖的信念。

天空当被盖，思绪仍是凌乱，不开。

星星，不要再那儿一闪一闪地笑了，可以吗？

0256的风言风语，敬请见谅。

这只是我的寂寞当盾盖。

0106.

It is 12.52am, I find myself neither able to sleep nor have the ability to finish up the resignation letter. And I still have to report to work in about 8 hours' time.

As a new and young adult, I find myself bogged by so many questions about life from now on. I have not had any satisfying answers to any questions so far, just so you know.

How does one keep in constant contact with the ones he care for and love? How can you accept and be ok with the idea that someone whom you used to see almost everyday is now only able to present his/her physical self to you once every few months? What is it that we gave as teenagers to have the life of an adult? Is it mandatory to lead life like a proper adult? Now that I am an adult, am I screwed for not being able to cope with my own problems? What should I do if I feel jealous about not being able to be someone else's constant-factor in his or her life? What is the definition of being a "constant-factor" in someone else's life? Should I ask for more when I can't even handle what I have right now?

And more.

Then again, you will agree with me that thinking about so many things at one shot is definitely not the way to go, much less at this hour.

We all have our own brand of insecurities, regardless big or small, menial or strong. Sorry if, according to attention seeker 'not gay', my posts are gay. I can't help it.

After all, I am human.

2238.

Resentment.

Is an emotion full of impact.

Resentment.

0134.

Believe me when I say 'I miss you'.

Because with all my heart, I do.

灰色地带

我站在灰色地带。
这是一个没有人想身在的灰色地带。我既不是黑，也不是白。我可以是黑，也可以是白。在这个地带，你看不见其他也身处同地的灰色实体；因为我们都在阴霾理，把自己藏起来。

我站在灰色地带。
躲在没人能看见的角落，偷看你的风采。我不敢出来，也不敢不看，因为后果是我没有办法承担的出卖。我必须躲着，像个影子一样，不出声，不存在。

我站在灰色地带。
看到了你的风采。仍是如此迷人，仍是如此带有光彩，把我的灰色国度照亮得明明白白。在这强光下，我突然看见我的灰体下包着的是颗红色的种子。我不知道它日后会开的是什么花，只知道如果开苞的话，必定是为了一睹你的风采。你仿佛是颗人造的太阳，把我体内的种子照得想马上迸出来，想让你知道我的花是为你而开。

可是，我仍然站在灰色地带。
因为你看不见我对你的依赖，听不见我对你的关怀。你一会儿隐退到黑，一会儿进入白，不曾留意到这中间的灰色地带。其他人能名正言顺地告诉你他是有多么的崇拜你，多么的爱护你，多么的需要你，而我则只能躲在没人能看见的一隅，默默地跟自己宣扬对你的心爱。这时突然下起了莫名的酸雨，而只有在这灰色地里带才能感受到这阵雨的滴滴无奈。雨点打在我身上，打得我累了、疼了、想哭了。

渐渐的，我开始消融入这你永远不会知道的灰色地带。我不再站在灰色地带。
因为我是灰色地带。

1458.

I just want to go home, right now. Leave everything and spread my wings. But I am unable to find the key to my chains. This bondage, this madness, I want to leave, leave, leave.

I just want to go home, right now.

2339.

Because fear stems from the unknown. And I am in the land of familiar unknown(s).

So much to do, so little time!

The Birthday speech that was suppose to have been said on my birthday.

(Pretend you are back at that night having a meal with me)

So.

As far as I’m concerned, birthdays to me was never about fancy parties, exquisite gifts or the luscious cake at the near-end of the occasion (though having one is a bonus), it’s about celebrating the joy and blessing of being alive and the beginning of something new in life. If possible, doing it with people who mean something in your life.

Being 21 is SOMETHING BIG because this is the age the world acknowledges you as an adult. That means more responsibilities. And responsibilities suck. You have to work to sustain your spending because getting money from your folks will have become an embarrassing thing to do, you have help out more with the chores, you have less time to do what you really want and MORE.

SUCKS DOESN’T IT?

However, whining isn’t exactly the way to be when you are at 21. Well, not most of the time anyway. IMO, being 21 is about finally stepping up, coming up with solutions, finding solutions and downing as many alcoholic solutions you can because you can. Ok scratch the last one. But yeah, 21 is an age of many responsibilities and one of it is being responsible of me. I’m no saint and God knows what will be coming my way, but all I’m sure what I can do is to make the best out of any experience with an open mind and continue learning to be an even better friend, brother, son and person from it, regardless good or bad, happy or sad.

To sum things up, thank you for being here, having a meal and celebrating this special occasion with me. Your company and time are the best presents you have given to me. More importantly, thank you for having been in my life for as long as I can remember. The constant of Life will always place us in situations calling for us to act like an adult, to become one for the occasion. But becoming an (actual) adult today is definitely special than any other occasion because you (all) are here celebrating with me.

Thus, I sincerely thank you all for everything, screw the adult-worries for now and Happy Birthday to me :)

(End of pretense)

2229.

头仰天，

深呼吸，

一切仅在思念中徘徊.

坚强一点…

1409.

What am I doing?

0348.

Sometimes, I really wish you could just get the fuck out of the equation with a snap of fingers.

1320.

Being observant can be both a good and a bad thing, like a double edge sword. You see things some/most people don't, you realize what people fail to understand and it makes you kind of special, somehow.

But because you are the only one that picked up a certain view, there isn't any other inferences you can to refer to and help with your understanding of the observation. Which raises the chance of you misinterpreting, or misunderstanding it.

Like how I observed this regular touchiness of him onto another particular party of the same gender to be very fascinating and upsetting at the same time.

Very upsetting.

And instances like this makes you feel more silly than special.

Announcement.

I know I'm suppose to be awesome.

I know we'll make full use of whatever time that is left.

I know we have msn/skype as a form of medium to keep in touch.

I know it won't matter 10 years down the road.

I know this, I know that, I know everything everyone has told me, but I still can't do it.

And I need to talk to you. All of you.

Why are you putting me through this? WHY?

WISHLIST 2010.

Yes, my birthday is coming. And no, I haven't change from my shameless ways. But I must emphasize on the fact that this list is purely for REFERENCE SAKE. By no means are you obliged in any manner to get me anything mentioned here, unless you are kind enough to do so.

THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT BE GETTING ME

• Any form of footwear
• Impractical stuff (Pen holder, lame ornament etc)

THINGS YOU MAY WANNA CONSIDER GETTING ME

• Voucher(s) for clothes/any form of apparel
• Voucher for 'Adventure 21' shop aka Chip into my backpack fund
• Any of Mraz's album(s) which I don't already have (ASK AND YOU'LL KNOW)
• Any of Nigella's book(s) which I don't already have (Only N. Express so far)
• Cocoa butter/Vitamin E moisturizing cream from Body Shop
• Threadless Tee/Hoodie (1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/HD/HD/11/anything you deem nice)
• Red coloured wind breaker
• Toy camera(s)
• ANYTHING PRACTICAL AND NICE FROM YOU

List is finalised. If you are getting me something from the list, kindly leave a tag in the tagbox, so as to let whoever is intending on getting me something from the list as well to not get the same thing. Again, please do not feel obliged to get me anything, this is merely for reference sake.

0059.

Ouch.

1543.

"Forever is but always a temporary moment. I wish we could all be neighbours and live beside each other so distance won't make us forgotten and strange. " - Jacqueline

1320.

I secretly wished that today would never end and we could all be like this for a while more longer. But we all know that selfish prayers will never be answered, and that's about it. Very bittersweet. But I thank God as usual. Nothing but gratitude and appreciation.

2246.

也许…

遇到你并非我的姻缘，

但

却是我的宿命。

0003

The tempest that follows, that maelstrom that siphons. This is beyond a man to shoulder. This is less than what I'd wanted.

목성.

"because you're so keen to feel that closeness to him that you get v paranoid and sensitive when someone else gets it and you don't." - Eileen Foo, 05/06/10, 2plus am.

It's been long since I last blogged. As usual, much has happened, though as cliche as it may sound. It's been 12 weeks since I've started working at SCCL. It's really not a bad place to work at. Good environment, nice colleagues, good staff welfare and a good cause to work for. But ultimately I still can't get used to the office environment. I guess I'm not suited for jobs that require you to sit in a cubicle or office from 8.30-5.30, with lunch hour and the occasional toilet breaks as the only opportunities to take a break and step out, albeit for a while. I guess I really do prefer a more interactive based job. And after reflecting, I now believe that when finding a job, one of the criteria to fit is that it must cater to who I am, and not who I can fit in to be.

None less, there are things which I can learn and have learned from this experience. A rich pool of nutrients to absorb, just as any other experiences will provide, regardless good or bad. It's a matter of wanting it or not, I always say. Can't wait for this phase of life to be over. Can't wait to graduate.

Apart from learning from my stay at SCCL so far, life itself has been throwing some crap in my way for the past few months. Learned so much more about relationship between two people, between a group of people and most importantly, with myself. As much as I would love to have things go my way, but ultimately, it takes two to clap and sometimes the opposite in view may not necessarily always want to respond or reciprocate. I used to mind a lot, when the effort I put to try to spend time with someone isn't exactly appreciated, and I'll get all frustrated and upset and angsty, because I fail to see past what was just in front of my eyes. And being the impatient person that I am, I cannot wait. In this context, can't wait to get close to someone, be it on a platonic or romantic level. And this brings pain and darkness.

But life work wonders in many way, just as God does. Through a series of random desolation sessions, answers have been found and strength acquired. I guess taking things easy helps with the processing of stuff, and that not jumping the gun gives you time to take a step back and look at what's happening in a macro perspective. More importantly, talking it out beats the hell out of keeping it in and trying to solve it ourselves. Sometimes, we fail to understand the fact that certain people are in our lives for a reason. They help you learn, they help you to cope with matters beyond your ability to handle alone, they help you feel that nothing is impossible to conquer and they give you hope. And I thank God for that.

I wouldn't say I've grown, but it would be correct that say I am growing. I still get temperamental, I still get upset over little stuff, I still get jealous, but I want to get pass this stage and be a better man. After all, we're all getting older at the same time, the only thing still common between us all, and I wouldn't want to be left behind again. 3 years late is bad enough, a whole lot more would just be a hell lot worse.

爱.

有时候真的很恨自己为什么会爱上你，世界上那么多人为什么偏偏就是你，为什么看到你时就一定会微微地屏住呼吸，为什么会不自觉地微笑，为什么会心跳会加速一下后又平复，为什么红线的另一端会落在你身边，为什么只想对你说声我爱你？

很恨自己。

因为爱上你从来就不是我的选择。

最糟的是，无私的爱，也落在你身上。傻了，完了。

灯火阑珊处，在哪里？





Oi, wake up.

3.

It's finally here. No longer a year 2, at long last a year 3.

All the gnashing, hating, angst, ups and downs, I am finally going to be done with this place and graduate. It feels really surreal. Like sure nothing else is gonna pop up disrupt the flow again? Serious? That direct?

It has been a long and tiresome journey. A little bit more and that's it. Endure...

I am now a Year 3.

And if I can remember, why can't you? Sigh, grow up beans.