It's My Choice

Ever since Doug started classes I've been feeling a little sorry for myself. I love our Little Abi so much, but because of the lack of alternatives I've felt forced to stay home. And that feeling has been difficult since I've always talked about going back to school and getting my masters and doctorate...maybe "jealous" is another good way to describe my feelings. I felt that I was giving it all up to stay home and take care of Abi while Doug got to go do everything I want to do. And day-care is so expensive that it had never even been part of the conversation. Yesterday, by chance, I found my "alternative". I learned that there are state programs that would pay for day-care for Abi so that I could go back to school and/or get a job. I seriously considered it for about 3 mins and easily came to a resounding NO. The thought of regularly, routinely, and consistently leaving Abi to be cared for by someone else made me nauseated. The thought of not being there to watch her continue to learn and grow broke my heart. And the thought of not being there to teach and protect her made the bottom drop out of my stomach. In that 3 minutes I realized that this is where I want to be! And when given a choice--and a very real alternative--this is where I choose to be. With this shift in perspective, I've also become suddenly aware of how much I have to be grateful for in our situation. I am overwhelmed with gratitude to my Heavenly Father. Not just for the things that we have (which are so many), but for the lessons that we're learning, the tenderness with which He is teaching us, and the way we are growing together as a family. We are so blessed.

I still plan on getting masters and a doctorate. I'll just have to figure out a way that doesn't involve day-care.

I want to say that I don't have any judgment for other parents who leave their children with a babysitter or at day care. I fully appreciate the fact that everyone's situation is different, all children/parents are different, everyone has different comfort levels, and "ya gotta do what ya gotta do".

Up-date--Our Little Abi

She sure doesn't seem so little any more. She is now 9 and half months old. She's been crawling/climbing stairs since May and has started walking in the last week. Her current record is 17 steps in a row! Its also starting to look like we're about to get a tooth. I'm sorry I haven't been better about keeping up-dated pictures of her available, but we just barely found our camera last week. So here are some of the most current shots of our beautiful little Abi-Girl!

Pictures of Our New Home

This is what our new home looks like on the inside. I'm not sure if these pictures will give you a very idea of how it looks or not (I'm definitely not a photographer). Maybe sometime soon I'll remember to have Doug leave the ipod with me during the day and I could do a video walk-through of our apartment instead...but for now this will have to do. One thing that I am very proud of is the way this apartment has been furnished/decorated. We brought our bed, Abi's crib, and the dinning room table & chairs with us. All the other furniture has come from craigslist, Goodwill, family, or people moving out who didn't want to take their stuff with them. The most expensive place we've shopped for decor is Target, and the most expensive things we've bought are the washer/dryer ($100 each on craigslist)--aside from those, we haven't spent more than $50 on any one item...I feel so frugal and industrious!!!

This is our front room from every angle

This is our bedroom and bathroom

Our kitchen

Abi's Room

Guest Bathroom (the washer/dryer are behind the green curtain)

OUR NEW HOME

We finally made it! We're here in Nebraska, in our own place, and the internet is finally working!!! As soon as our apt is completely decorated I'll post some pictures--I'm actually really close to being done (YAY). And I'll be posting some pictures of Abi soon too. We just barely found our camera, which is why I haven't been putting any up on facebook. Oh-my-GOSH I can't tell you how great it feel to not be living out of a suit case anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank You for Elder Worthlin

"They may look, act, think, and speak differently than those around them and that sometimes causes them to assume they don’t fit in. They conclude that they are not needed.

Tied to this misconception is the erroneous belief that all members of the Church should look, talk, and be alike. The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father’s children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole."

--------- Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

...I can think of 2 groups of people from whom I am very different and around whom I feel very out of place. I often try to make a joke or some other comment when in these groups, only to have it backfire and have it be offensive instead of funny or conversational. I know that I'm weird and awkward to these people. This quote makes me feel a little better about being me.

...I don't even know what to call this post...

It happened...I found a gray hair. I'm turning 25 this year and I found a gray hair. I'm married, I have a baby, I'm turning 25 this year, and I found a gray hair. Oddly enough, it's not the crisis situation I imagined it would be. I can tell that I'm growing up...mostly because I look back at things I've done and see how I've changed. I know that I'm a better person now than I was then--and I'm grateful to know that and see that...but I'm not yet the person I want to be. I can just see you sitting there rolling your eyes at me and starting to explain that "none of us are" and "that's the point of this life" and I totally agree with you...but I suddenly woke up to the reality of where I am and I need a moment to process it, out loud and in print. It feels more real for me that way. I have a vision of what my life will be and who I will be. I've had this vision for a long time. And even though a lot of it has changed along the way, there are parts of it that haven't. I thought I would be a certain person who would be doing certain things by now...and I'm not and I don't. Most of the things entailed in that statement don't bother me. I knew when I made my plan that there would be things that I could not foresee, and I would need to be flexible. For example: I planned to serve a mission. I planned to have my masters degree before I got married and had kids. I couldn't foresee that I would meet the love of my life my freshman year of college. So I didn't serve a mission and I don't have a masters degree. I'm ok with that. In fact I'm glad I made the choices I've made. Doug is the best choice I've ever made, and Abbie is the biggest blessing I've ever been given. But there are parts of my life that well with in my control and are--for the most part--independent of what I can and cannot foresee. Those are the things I'm talking about. I'm about to hit this major mile-stone in my vision of/for my life...and I'm not the person I thought I would be.
Its odd how even this realization hasn't felt like the crisis situation that it sounds like when I type it out. In fact none of this has shaken me the way I can imagine it shaking a younger me. Its been a moment of "huh...well that's kind of weird." It feels more like a challenge.
I turn 25 in June...and I've got some work to do.
Bring It...Let's Go...I'm READY.

I Hate "Experts"

I hate "experts"! I have lost so much sleep over the crap that "experts" have said. They have made parenting even more difficult. I think they probably meant to make it easier, but they haven't--mostly because they don't agree with each other. So all of us first-time parents sit and agonize over who is right, and what has the best chance of not hurting or emotionally scaring our children. A perfect example with which I am currently grappling is when to let a baby "cry it out". The concept was introduced to me through a book--that most of the people who read my blog know--called Babywise. (but for those of you who are unfamiliar with it) Its a "program" that parents can do, starting with their newborns. It helps set up a routine for the baby by regulating the eating schedule, which in turn regulates the sleep schedule for the most part. Since I've made sure that Abbie eats for 20 mins or more at time, she has done the rest. She eats every 3 hours--its almost clockwork. She generally gets ready for a nap about 30 mins after finishing eating. And for the last week she has been sleeping for about 6 or 7 hours a night. She decided she was gonna all of this on her own starting back at the beginning of December. I haven't had to do one thing beyond making sure she gets a full feeding every time. I really like all of these things and I think that Babywise has makes a lot of good points and has a lot to offer...but the one thing I struggle with (still) is letting Abbie cry it out--for a couple of reasons. 1) I was given a pamphlet written by "experts" that said that letting a child cry-it-out before they are about 3 or 4 months old will create a child with insecure attachments, and that the way to help a child create secure attachments is to respond to their crying for the first 3 or 4 months of life. 2) I graduated in psychology and I've dealt with children who have insecure attachments--it is exhausting and frustrating. I don't want my child to be that child! 3) More often than not, if Abbie is crying after a feeding it means she has a tummy bubble that needs to be burped out, and in recent weeks she has been having other tummy problems. She is already uncomfortable and not feeling well. I'm not gonna let her cry through something that I can fix by picking her up when she feels like that. But according to Babywise (written by another "expert") if you don't teach a baby to self-soothe by letting them cry-it-out then you're creating a selfish, spoiled child that will always need to be at the center of everything. And I don't want to do that either.
I know that just because an "expert" says it doesn't make it true and I am Abbie's mom for a reason and I get to make the final call...but that doesn't mean that I don't second guess myself and agonize over the decisions that I make. I constantly have the words of the "expert" that I'm not listening to ringing in my ears...parenting was already hard enough...