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#foreveralone
Friday, March 30, 2012
Well the title speaks much. No one really cares now, and its been quite lonely. Best friends aren't like how they used to be.
No one sees this anyways and all the more its #foreveralone .
No one sees this anyways and all the more its #foreveralone .
Internet Fast
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Firstly before you continue reading, if there is even anyone reading, I have to say that being rational was least on my mind. I was without any internet from 19th Jan til after my CA1 on 23rd Feb. 36 days. I had absolutely nowhere to share or vent, and, let's just say it wasn't easy. So if anyone is even going to read it, bear this in mind. Thanks for understanding.
---
-[2nd Feb - Day 15]
So it's day 15 without wifi and boy oh boy it's hard. I guess I can say it's easier now. Easi-ER, not easy. Right now I'm suppose to be napping, but I couldn't, so much on my mind. Went to bed just now and just layed around, unable to sleep.
It's been a long long time since I last talked about this. Well frankly, I have to say it hurts to see my friends drifting away from me, be it because of a quarrel, or the friendship just getting boring. Yes, its happening to me now, and maybe it seems like I dont really mind it, but I do. Maybe I just don't show it. I can't show it. I don't need people to pity me. I'm pitiable enough. Is it just me, or are good friends so hard to find now? Good friends that actually stick up for me. Who is there when I actually need them? I never wished to say this, but sometimes I just wonder.
I know it's just me, so I seem to be drifting away from them too. I'm almost at the verge of giving up really. At times, it hurts more then it heals. I've experienced betrayal by good friends, first hand, when I was younger, it's now a scar. But occasionally, the scar just opens and it starts hurting all over again. Other times, new wounds form on the scars. They will never know how much I've been through. I now find it difficult to trust people, even close friends sometimes. Not tht I don't want to, it's just, well I don't really know. My past still haunts me I guess.
I don't know what to do. I remember being that cheerful busybody kid when I was much younger. Until I began seeing and experiencing how much friendships hurt too. If those friends never betrayed me, maybe I would have still been that cheerful boy. Now, it seems like I'm just reserved. I may talk a lot, but inside, I'm dying to just shut up. Ironic isnt it? I know I don't physically cry myself to sleep when I hurt, but inside, the heart's just so heavy, I can't explain.
I've noticed a change in myself of late. Well, firstly, I probably don't talk as much. Secondly, I'm alone more often. Thirdly, I'm more boring to my friends. By now, I'm numb to a lot of pain already.
I hope I cope well, alone.
---
-[3rd Feb - Day 16]
I just can't seem to do anything right. People mistake my apparently good intentions as other things. Did I make a mistake in helping others. It's not a great feeling to be misunderstood. I can't just not do anything, but I can't do anything right. So what's the point of it all?
And so my ego takes a downward plunge once again.. It's that feeling of uselessness and helplessness.
Well in addition to all that, I just help but feel quite lonely. I mean, I'm totally unconnected with the rest of my friends, whether or not I've got access to Facebook and Twitter. To put it bluntly, I feel I'm being more and more left out. I can't remember when it started, but it's too late now that I've realized. So while everyone else has their share of fun pie, I get a crumb of fun at the very most. Leftovers.
---
-[5th Feb - Day 18]
'And so we've been friends for so long. Ive helped you when you needed help. We grew up. And turns out all the help I offered, you mistook it as an opportunity for myself to be seen as great. Even though it was out of good intentions I wanted to help you. I'm hurt, how could you think that way?' Yeah so this sums up a show I watched last night. And it really made me quite sad I guess, because I can related a lot to it.
So today I wanted to go first service in church alone. And den afterwards do my work before Open Sunday. But last minute some of my friends went for first, then decided to go for lunch as a farewell for someone. But I wasn't informed early, cause everyone discussed it on Facebook. So turned out I didn't go. It felt quite lonely I must say. But serves me right, I chose not to go I guess..
---
-[9th Feb - Day 22]
Can't stand it. People don't understand why I'm off the Internet, and call me a fool for it. I mean, is it really so wrong for me to do so? They're pretty insensitive after all. Treated them like friends and was patient with them, wasted effort.
This thought has been on my mind alot. Well I've been wondering if I ever lost all my memory, who of them friends would even bother to help me regain it? I'm quite doubtful.
I dont really mind it when friends talk about themselves etc etc. But sometimes, it'll be nice for them if they heard me out. I don't want to impose on them, but some friendships I have are all about them, them and them. And others? Well they tend to forget about me. Leave me out on things. Don't talk to me as much. It's hard enough not being in contact on Facebook or Twitter, but it's harder when I see how little people actually care in my absence. Tough life.
Come to think about it, talking about friendships being about them them them, I do believe my relationship with God has sadly been all about me, me and me. And I know, that's not suppose to be the case. I think this time of fasting from the Internet really taught me to trust, focus and rely on God more. So instead of posting sad stuff on Twitter, I'm trying to make it a habit to just tell God instead, at the very least, God's listening, and that's more then enough for me.
'Lord this time of fasting from the Internet is extremely difficult, so please give me the strength to pull through all this. Let my relationship with You just grow deeper and deeper with each passing day. Help me to realize that You will always be there for me, and that You're all I'll ever need. Amen.'
---
-[14th Feb - Day 27]
Haha it's Valentines day. And I've got no Valentine. Big deal, I don't need one at the moment.
All I want for Valentines day, are friends I can actually trust. Ironically. These trustworthy species are quite rare to find nowadays.
I just can't help, but just say I've been having expectations for my and friends. But it, or they, just don't really make the cut. Doubting my studying capability, and sadly, my friends too. I don't know, what should I do? I've been contemplating on being more reserved nowadays. I should just shut up, not like I was of much help. Cut the liveliness and smiles, and we get a new and deproved Benjamin. I don't really mind.
There's no one I can share with how I feel. Or rather no human. Even if everyone fails me, at the very least God's still there.
-[15th Feb - Day 28]
I remember how March 2011 was the most depressing month in a long time. And it's fast approaching. Come to think about it, 2011 has been a year of the rabbit, and also disappointments, I just don't know why..
'Ive been holding on so tight,
Look at these knuckles they've gone white,
I'm fighting for who I want to be,
Just trying to find security.'
Describes me perfectly.
Well, it seems stubborn me still misses the past a lot. I used to have so much fun. I used to enjoy studying. I used to have trustworthy friends. I used to be happy. It's different now, how times have changed. My future looks bleak looking at the depressing trend. I really shouldn't be like this should I?
What have I become?
-[17th Feb - Day 30]
Happy birthday me! Well honestly, it's been quite boring. School was usual, a few wished me happy birthday. That was nice of them. And I got a couple of birthday wishes too, I'm satisfied, considering I didn't really want to expect anything. I shouldn't be being emo today, but I just have to say, that I think so many people take me for granted. I'm just like a cute baby pet, losing novelty very quickly as the years go by.
But come to think about, this was probably one of the most lonely 16th birthday I've ever had. Today was quite, quiet actually. Like it was just so, quiet. Like other days.
But today God spoke to me in my QT. Was reading a book given to me. And I learnt, that God would never forsake me. He even promised it in the bible. So even if every human leaves me, I have assurance that God would be by my side. And I really needed to know that, because just at that point of time, I guess I was feeling lonely, very. Maybe even to the point I cried. I don't know why I've been like this lately..
Anyways, maybe once exams start, I needn't let my mind dwell on such emo stuff. Maybe.
Had dinner with my godparents, a very nice one. And that cheered me up. Especially how I played with my 4year old godbrother. He has really nice smiles and laughter. I wish I was more like him.
-[Day 20th Feb - Day 33]
Had SS and English test today. English was fine, hope I didn't screw up. But everything I missed out for SS just came out. Just my luck. Good day.
I honestly have no place to vent. I feel so sad and hopeless, but yet I can't share with any of my friends. Seriously. Some friends I can't trust, others, dunt care and the rest I just dunt want tell because I dunt want them to be affected.
People addressed me nicely in the past. And yes, I was happy. But now, even when they use the same words, I just can't stand it. It's like I've lost my meaning already. Its like they say it cause they're just so used to it, not because they mean it. I have no idea how to elaborate. All I know, is that I feel like my existence is so trivial to people around me. It's a lonely feeling, a very lonely hurt.
Seems like my output is far less then my input. Not intending to brag, but whenever my close friends need a listening ear or just some care, I honestly do try my best to help and care, and listen. But whenever I myself need that, it doesn't seem like the few I relied on weren't even there. I'm gonna get burnt out, soon. Been so selfish to myself. Maybe I don't share enough, but shouldn't they know well enough if they sensed something wrong? I'm just a tad disappointed. I mean, I'm human, I need care and comfort too right? How come those people fail to see that? This hasn't been like this for days, or weeks. Months in fact, so long, yet not much of a hint that those people I trusted were reliable.
Maybe if I disappear one day, a few would notice. Maybe a few.
-[22nd Feb - Day35]
So far I've been messing up my papers, and I've been so demoralized. I have no more mood to put in effort, I just want to give up, it's so difficult. I don't know how much more I can go, how much longer I can take. I feel so burnt out and tired.
Been telling some of my 'closer' friends how I've been feeling quite down and crap, and yet some don't even bother really. Some dont even bother asking about me, instead they just report to me about them them and their friends. Like I said earlier, some of them believe the center of our friendship is all about, themselves. Those caring friends, really an endangered species now, and I'm trying hard to preserve them. For the others, well, I hope one day they'd notice, and care. But I'm really not expecting much from them anymore, I don't wish to say this, but they've truly let me down. I'm really sad. And yes, that was a major understatement.
But on the other hand, I just can't keep blaming my friends. To a certain extent, I know I've been becoming more emotionless and boring. I'm not who I used to be, I'm not that interesting retarded idiot that cracks jokes as and when I want anymore. I'm not that cheerful person whom they can be cheered up by. And I'm probably not that kind soul to care much about how they feel. I've been jealous, envious and spiteful. I guess, I should only be blaming myself for being like this to my friends, who in turn, began to drift from me. I'm a terrible person. It's my fault, and I really shouldn't have done so. But I just can't seem to make the effort to repair this mess because all I do is wallow in sadness and self pity. If any of my friends are reading this, im sorry. For just not being who I'm suppose to be. I feel like someone else, I'm not myself.
This probably marks the last day of my Internet fast. Strangely, I'm not entirely keen on going back online. I'm sure with or without the Internet, I'm bound to be alone. But yet, now I think I'll feel uncomfortable with posting how I feel on Twitter or Facebook. I guess I'd rather post it on my blog. Where no one really visits. I probably don't want people to think I'm some emo guy. It's a lie, I guess I am, but neither do I want them asking how I am, and me being forced to say 'I'm fine.' I don't need their pity or sympathy.
--
So I'm back online. That was 35days.
---
-[2nd Feb - Day 15]
So it's day 15 without wifi and boy oh boy it's hard. I guess I can say it's easier now. Easi-ER, not easy. Right now I'm suppose to be napping, but I couldn't, so much on my mind. Went to bed just now and just layed around, unable to sleep.
It's been a long long time since I last talked about this. Well frankly, I have to say it hurts to see my friends drifting away from me, be it because of a quarrel, or the friendship just getting boring. Yes, its happening to me now, and maybe it seems like I dont really mind it, but I do. Maybe I just don't show it. I can't show it. I don't need people to pity me. I'm pitiable enough. Is it just me, or are good friends so hard to find now? Good friends that actually stick up for me. Who is there when I actually need them? I never wished to say this, but sometimes I just wonder.
I know it's just me, so I seem to be drifting away from them too. I'm almost at the verge of giving up really. At times, it hurts more then it heals. I've experienced betrayal by good friends, first hand, when I was younger, it's now a scar. But occasionally, the scar just opens and it starts hurting all over again. Other times, new wounds form on the scars. They will never know how much I've been through. I now find it difficult to trust people, even close friends sometimes. Not tht I don't want to, it's just, well I don't really know. My past still haunts me I guess.
I don't know what to do. I remember being that cheerful busybody kid when I was much younger. Until I began seeing and experiencing how much friendships hurt too. If those friends never betrayed me, maybe I would have still been that cheerful boy. Now, it seems like I'm just reserved. I may talk a lot, but inside, I'm dying to just shut up. Ironic isnt it? I know I don't physically cry myself to sleep when I hurt, but inside, the heart's just so heavy, I can't explain.
I've noticed a change in myself of late. Well, firstly, I probably don't talk as much. Secondly, I'm alone more often. Thirdly, I'm more boring to my friends. By now, I'm numb to a lot of pain already.
I hope I cope well, alone.
---
-[3rd Feb - Day 16]
I just can't seem to do anything right. People mistake my apparently good intentions as other things. Did I make a mistake in helping others. It's not a great feeling to be misunderstood. I can't just not do anything, but I can't do anything right. So what's the point of it all?
And so my ego takes a downward plunge once again.. It's that feeling of uselessness and helplessness.
Well in addition to all that, I just help but feel quite lonely. I mean, I'm totally unconnected with the rest of my friends, whether or not I've got access to Facebook and Twitter. To put it bluntly, I feel I'm being more and more left out. I can't remember when it started, but it's too late now that I've realized. So while everyone else has their share of fun pie, I get a crumb of fun at the very most. Leftovers.
---
-[5th Feb - Day 18]
'And so we've been friends for so long. Ive helped you when you needed help. We grew up. And turns out all the help I offered, you mistook it as an opportunity for myself to be seen as great. Even though it was out of good intentions I wanted to help you. I'm hurt, how could you think that way?' Yeah so this sums up a show I watched last night. And it really made me quite sad I guess, because I can related a lot to it.
So today I wanted to go first service in church alone. And den afterwards do my work before Open Sunday. But last minute some of my friends went for first, then decided to go for lunch as a farewell for someone. But I wasn't informed early, cause everyone discussed it on Facebook. So turned out I didn't go. It felt quite lonely I must say. But serves me right, I chose not to go I guess..
---
-[9th Feb - Day 22]
Can't stand it. People don't understand why I'm off the Internet, and call me a fool for it. I mean, is it really so wrong for me to do so? They're pretty insensitive after all. Treated them like friends and was patient with them, wasted effort.
This thought has been on my mind alot. Well I've been wondering if I ever lost all my memory, who of them friends would even bother to help me regain it? I'm quite doubtful.
I dont really mind it when friends talk about themselves etc etc. But sometimes, it'll be nice for them if they heard me out. I don't want to impose on them, but some friendships I have are all about them, them and them. And others? Well they tend to forget about me. Leave me out on things. Don't talk to me as much. It's hard enough not being in contact on Facebook or Twitter, but it's harder when I see how little people actually care in my absence. Tough life.
Come to think about it, talking about friendships being about them them them, I do believe my relationship with God has sadly been all about me, me and me. And I know, that's not suppose to be the case. I think this time of fasting from the Internet really taught me to trust, focus and rely on God more. So instead of posting sad stuff on Twitter, I'm trying to make it a habit to just tell God instead, at the very least, God's listening, and that's more then enough for me.
'Lord this time of fasting from the Internet is extremely difficult, so please give me the strength to pull through all this. Let my relationship with You just grow deeper and deeper with each passing day. Help me to realize that You will always be there for me, and that You're all I'll ever need. Amen.'
---
-[14th Feb - Day 27]
Haha it's Valentines day. And I've got no Valentine. Big deal, I don't need one at the moment.
All I want for Valentines day, are friends I can actually trust. Ironically. These trustworthy species are quite rare to find nowadays.
I just can't help, but just say I've been having expectations for my and friends. But it, or they, just don't really make the cut. Doubting my studying capability, and sadly, my friends too. I don't know, what should I do? I've been contemplating on being more reserved nowadays. I should just shut up, not like I was of much help. Cut the liveliness and smiles, and we get a new and deproved Benjamin. I don't really mind.
There's no one I can share with how I feel. Or rather no human. Even if everyone fails me, at the very least God's still there.
-[15th Feb - Day 28]
I remember how March 2011 was the most depressing month in a long time. And it's fast approaching. Come to think about it, 2011 has been a year of the rabbit, and also disappointments, I just don't know why..
'Ive been holding on so tight,
Look at these knuckles they've gone white,
I'm fighting for who I want to be,
Just trying to find security.'
Describes me perfectly.
Well, it seems stubborn me still misses the past a lot. I used to have so much fun. I used to enjoy studying. I used to have trustworthy friends. I used to be happy. It's different now, how times have changed. My future looks bleak looking at the depressing trend. I really shouldn't be like this should I?
What have I become?
-[17th Feb - Day 30]
Happy birthday me! Well honestly, it's been quite boring. School was usual, a few wished me happy birthday. That was nice of them. And I got a couple of birthday wishes too, I'm satisfied, considering I didn't really want to expect anything. I shouldn't be being emo today, but I just have to say, that I think so many people take me for granted. I'm just like a cute baby pet, losing novelty very quickly as the years go by.
But come to think about, this was probably one of the most lonely 16th birthday I've ever had. Today was quite, quiet actually. Like it was just so, quiet. Like other days.
But today God spoke to me in my QT. Was reading a book given to me. And I learnt, that God would never forsake me. He even promised it in the bible. So even if every human leaves me, I have assurance that God would be by my side. And I really needed to know that, because just at that point of time, I guess I was feeling lonely, very. Maybe even to the point I cried. I don't know why I've been like this lately..
Anyways, maybe once exams start, I needn't let my mind dwell on such emo stuff. Maybe.
Had dinner with my godparents, a very nice one. And that cheered me up. Especially how I played with my 4year old godbrother. He has really nice smiles and laughter. I wish I was more like him.
-[Day 20th Feb - Day 33]
Had SS and English test today. English was fine, hope I didn't screw up. But everything I missed out for SS just came out. Just my luck. Good day.
I honestly have no place to vent. I feel so sad and hopeless, but yet I can't share with any of my friends. Seriously. Some friends I can't trust, others, dunt care and the rest I just dunt want tell because I dunt want them to be affected.
People addressed me nicely in the past. And yes, I was happy. But now, even when they use the same words, I just can't stand it. It's like I've lost my meaning already. Its like they say it cause they're just so used to it, not because they mean it. I have no idea how to elaborate. All I know, is that I feel like my existence is so trivial to people around me. It's a lonely feeling, a very lonely hurt.
Seems like my output is far less then my input. Not intending to brag, but whenever my close friends need a listening ear or just some care, I honestly do try my best to help and care, and listen. But whenever I myself need that, it doesn't seem like the few I relied on weren't even there. I'm gonna get burnt out, soon. Been so selfish to myself. Maybe I don't share enough, but shouldn't they know well enough if they sensed something wrong? I'm just a tad disappointed. I mean, I'm human, I need care and comfort too right? How come those people fail to see that? This hasn't been like this for days, or weeks. Months in fact, so long, yet not much of a hint that those people I trusted were reliable.
Maybe if I disappear one day, a few would notice. Maybe a few.
-[22nd Feb - Day35]
So far I've been messing up my papers, and I've been so demoralized. I have no more mood to put in effort, I just want to give up, it's so difficult. I don't know how much more I can go, how much longer I can take. I feel so burnt out and tired.
Been telling some of my 'closer' friends how I've been feeling quite down and crap, and yet some don't even bother really. Some dont even bother asking about me, instead they just report to me about them them and their friends. Like I said earlier, some of them believe the center of our friendship is all about, themselves. Those caring friends, really an endangered species now, and I'm trying hard to preserve them. For the others, well, I hope one day they'd notice, and care. But I'm really not expecting much from them anymore, I don't wish to say this, but they've truly let me down. I'm really sad. And yes, that was a major understatement.
But on the other hand, I just can't keep blaming my friends. To a certain extent, I know I've been becoming more emotionless and boring. I'm not who I used to be, I'm not that interesting retarded idiot that cracks jokes as and when I want anymore. I'm not that cheerful person whom they can be cheered up by. And I'm probably not that kind soul to care much about how they feel. I've been jealous, envious and spiteful. I guess, I should only be blaming myself for being like this to my friends, who in turn, began to drift from me. I'm a terrible person. It's my fault, and I really shouldn't have done so. But I just can't seem to make the effort to repair this mess because all I do is wallow in sadness and self pity. If any of my friends are reading this, im sorry. For just not being who I'm suppose to be. I feel like someone else, I'm not myself.
This probably marks the last day of my Internet fast. Strangely, I'm not entirely keen on going back online. I'm sure with or without the Internet, I'm bound to be alone. But yet, now I think I'll feel uncomfortable with posting how I feel on Twitter or Facebook. I guess I'd rather post it on my blog. Where no one really visits. I probably don't want people to think I'm some emo guy. It's a lie, I guess I am, but neither do I want them asking how I am, and me being forced to say 'I'm fine.' I don't need their pity or sympathy.
--
So I'm back online. That was 35days.
Wake me up, when September ends...
Saturday, October 1, 2011
K i heard this song like a coupla times, only caught the title. But yeah i can relate. So september has ended. So what does that mean? That october has start? NO! EXAMS ARE LESS THEN A WEEK AWAY MANN!! SHEESH I HAVE TO WAKE UP YO! BEN WAKE UP ITS OCTOBER! OCTOBUH!!!!
Slept at 12:30 last night. Was initially sad over certain stuff. More like depressed. Then a thought came to me. More like reminded me. I should be happy! Only God and i define my emotions. So, i didnt do QT, was tired, prayed, and went to bed happily!
Woke up like 6.5hrs afterwards, bathed, and did QT. in the morning. Such a nice time to do QT like seriously!(: maybe i shall start doing mine in the morning. So then i left for church at around 7:50.
Went to church for EPIC STUDY TIME!
Books. More books. Even more books! And files!
Met with jerry at 8:45. Waited for benlee. Den chelsea and emily came. Den benlee came. And bjb went north plaza. And while we were there, it poured like nobody's business. Whispered a prayer. And just as we left the shelter the rain lightened and we got back not soaking wet. THANK GOD SO MUCH!(: GOD IS GOOD!
Came back, did SS. and so on. Helped benlee with a.math and chelsea with chem. It was a great time id say! Altho i didnt do much work on my side, helping others, i count that as revision too! Today's a good day! Hehe passed bev my incomplete physics notes(i feel so bad..) without prior notice. Hopefully its helpful. So then went up for pk camp meeting. That too was fruitful!
So study study study, help help help. And before i knew it it was 6! Haha den we walked to subway at RP, where it was closed, so we walked back to CWP-_- haha. Had freshness. Talked a lot, great time of bonding! Hmm so everyone left, went around cwp by myself. Went popular, was tempted to get a english compre book, but decided not to..
So reached home at 8:30. Was out for like 12hrs(:
Slept at 12:30 last night. Was initially sad over certain stuff. More like depressed. Then a thought came to me. More like reminded me. I should be happy! Only God and i define my emotions. So, i didnt do QT, was tired, prayed, and went to bed happily!
Woke up like 6.5hrs afterwards, bathed, and did QT. in the morning. Such a nice time to do QT like seriously!(: maybe i shall start doing mine in the morning. So then i left for church at around 7:50.
Went to church for EPIC STUDY TIME!
Books. More books. Even more books! And files!
Met with jerry at 8:45. Waited for benlee. Den chelsea and emily came. Den benlee came. And bjb went north plaza. And while we were there, it poured like nobody's business. Whispered a prayer. And just as we left the shelter the rain lightened and we got back not soaking wet. THANK GOD SO MUCH!(: GOD IS GOOD!
Came back, did SS. and so on. Helped benlee with a.math and chelsea with chem. It was a great time id say! Altho i didnt do much work on my side, helping others, i count that as revision too! Today's a good day! Hehe passed bev my incomplete physics notes(i feel so bad..) without prior notice. Hopefully its helpful. So then went up for pk camp meeting. That too was fruitful!
So study study study, help help help. And before i knew it it was 6! Haha den we walked to subway at RP, where it was closed, so we walked back to CWP-_- haha. Had freshness. Talked a lot, great time of bonding! Hmm so everyone left, went around cwp by myself. Went popular, was tempted to get a english compre book, but decided not to..
So reached home at 8:30. Was out for like 12hrs(:
Rollarcoaster.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Seriously life's like a rollarcoaster. Sometimes im on top of the world, other times im just far below. And its all over in an instant.
Really cant imagine why i get such moodswings nowadays. I really thank God that on the days when i was happy, well, i know its all because Him! Its probably my fault whn i choose to gloat over depressing stuff. I wont blame God for it!
I find myself thinking about the happy past, and how its all lost in time. I find myself not being contented. I find myself taking for granted things and people. Im not who i used to be. I remember how cheerful i was when i was younger, how i found my happy disease contagious to others. It seems like i burnt my fuel too fast.
I feel left out. Really. Very. School doesnt click as much to me. Apart from me hanging around with my BB mates and some friends, i guess theyre all i got. And church friends, i can safely say i rely on them much more, although its probably less compared to last time. Ive got so little of what they call, 'close friends'. Thats why they mean a lot to me. And losing one makes a great impact. At least others have other people to fall back on. K i think i sound jealous. Shall stop talking about it here, lest my mind wonder to unimaginable scenarios.
K so today had a mock bio paper, decent. Need to learn to score 37~38/40 for MCQ. Cant afford to lose marks here. I got a pathetic 31-.- had pe, played soccer in the drizzle. Fun. Den it stopped. After school stayed back and revised bio whilst waiting for my a-math retest. While i sat alone doing my stuff, everyone else were playing for talking and having fun. Felt left out. As per usual. Ahh damn shuddup ben stop thinking like this.
'Taken for granted, if i ever disappear without a trace, know that i had enough.'
I feel like crying but im too weak to.
Oh and btw, i suck at EVERYTHING. I even suck at sleeping..
Really cant imagine why i get such moodswings nowadays. I really thank God that on the days when i was happy, well, i know its all because Him! Its probably my fault whn i choose to gloat over depressing stuff. I wont blame God for it!
I find myself thinking about the happy past, and how its all lost in time. I find myself not being contented. I find myself taking for granted things and people. Im not who i used to be. I remember how cheerful i was when i was younger, how i found my happy disease contagious to others. It seems like i burnt my fuel too fast.
I feel left out. Really. Very. School doesnt click as much to me. Apart from me hanging around with my BB mates and some friends, i guess theyre all i got. And church friends, i can safely say i rely on them much more, although its probably less compared to last time. Ive got so little of what they call, 'close friends'. Thats why they mean a lot to me. And losing one makes a great impact. At least others have other people to fall back on. K i think i sound jealous. Shall stop talking about it here, lest my mind wonder to unimaginable scenarios.
K so today had a mock bio paper, decent. Need to learn to score 37~38/40 for MCQ. Cant afford to lose marks here. I got a pathetic 31-.- had pe, played soccer in the drizzle. Fun. Den it stopped. After school stayed back and revised bio whilst waiting for my a-math retest. While i sat alone doing my stuff, everyone else were playing for talking and having fun. Felt left out. As per usual. Ahh damn shuddup ben stop thinking like this.
'Taken for granted, if i ever disappear without a trace, know that i had enough.'
I feel like crying but im too weak to.
Oh and btw, i suck at EVERYTHING. I even suck at sleeping..
Pain. Smile, say cheese!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Cheese! Haha my arms are hurting tons more. Not aching, but like it feels like my muscle tore. Went to the pullup bar today again-.- im mad.. Oh wells. Fight fire with fire, do more pushups..! Oley(:
Well so anyways, today was a great day i'd say! Had library. Studied history. Wanted to sleep for the last 30mins, but i had insomnia. Well great timing ben. So after that i did a mock hist paper, of which i took far too longl/: i really need to polish my skills. I find SBQ tough, like really. I just cant seem to be in tune, so i take ages to infer. Shall read up on the guide books that i have been neglecting.
Had chem. Slept by accident. Well great timing ben. Hopefully i can improve in my chem. Ive been stagnating at B for as long as i have been in sec three. So A-math, did decent for my class test. 20/30, above avergae/: I guess my class needs to buck up a lot, but i believe in 3D, we can do it!
It seems we're very motivated nearer towards exam.. Well at least i am. I hope.. I have 7 more days. I shall run my last lap well, i shant pant, i shant walk, shall sprint for all i care. And thats because now God gave me the adreneline to WHOOHOO study hard! Yeah! Haha.. Yeah.. All the best for those who are taking their exams!(: God bless you guys too!
Well so anyways, today was a great day i'd say! Had library. Studied history. Wanted to sleep for the last 30mins, but i had insomnia. Well great timing ben. So after that i did a mock hist paper, of which i took far too longl/: i really need to polish my skills. I find SBQ tough, like really. I just cant seem to be in tune, so i take ages to infer. Shall read up on the guide books that i have been neglecting.
Had chem. Slept by accident. Well great timing ben. Hopefully i can improve in my chem. Ive been stagnating at B for as long as i have been in sec three. So A-math, did decent for my class test. 20/30, above avergae/: I guess my class needs to buck up a lot, but i believe in 3D, we can do it!
It seems we're very motivated nearer towards exam.. Well at least i am. I hope.. I have 7 more days. I shall run my last lap well, i shant pant, i shant walk, shall sprint for all i care. And thats because now God gave me the adreneline to WHOOHOO study hard! Yeah! Haha.. Yeah.. All the best for those who are taking their exams!(: God bless you guys too!
Pain pain go away..
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Yeah. So. My. Arm. Hurts. Like. Really. Bad. So yep thats all..
Even tears can evaporate!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Today was pretty decent. School as sleepyish as always, and i fell asleep during e-math while waiting for teacher to revise the next qn. She woke me up, and she didnt scold me, she just asked if i had been sleeping enough. Guiltyy. Actually my e-math teacher isnt really that bad i guess? I thank God for all of my teachers!
Fell asleep on the way home. And the dude beside me was sleeping and leaning towards me. Extremely tempted to spasm and sneeze. But i just moved a lilden he woke up. Urgh i dun like that feeling. Eww so gross!
I know i really have to work on my discipline to study in the afternoon. Even though im tired. God please help me to be awake as i do my work in the afternoon so i wouldnt slack and laze about..
Had tuition. And it was fruitful. Very! Im pretty proud of myself, despite those around me playing Kart Rider.. And once when i wanted to play, the Bluetooth couldnt work. So in a sense it was good i didnt get to play!
Been so sleepy lately. I need to learn how to reserve my sleeping time for my hour long bus rides home, instead of during class! I cant afford to miss out now!
And these few days, i have been pretty, happy. How unusual. I mean its not bad, but usually unpleasent and saddening thoughts have been bothering me. Im sure my happiness is due to the fact that i no longer worry about things, i let God handle it all! And ive been pretty encouraged by what jerry and christle said in their blogs about how God worked. MY GOD SURE IS AMAZING!!:D
'And He'll break,
Open skies..
To save,
Those who cry out his name..
The one the wind and waves obey!
He's strong enough to save you!'
Strong enough to save - Tenth Avenue North
(:
Fell asleep on the way home. And the dude beside me was sleeping and leaning towards me. Extremely tempted to spasm and sneeze. But i just moved a lilden he woke up. Urgh i dun like that feeling. Eww so gross!
I know i really have to work on my discipline to study in the afternoon. Even though im tired. God please help me to be awake as i do my work in the afternoon so i wouldnt slack and laze about..
Had tuition. And it was fruitful. Very! Im pretty proud of myself, despite those around me playing Kart Rider.. And once when i wanted to play, the Bluetooth couldnt work. So in a sense it was good i didnt get to play!
Been so sleepy lately. I need to learn how to reserve my sleeping time for my hour long bus rides home, instead of during class! I cant afford to miss out now!
And these few days, i have been pretty, happy. How unusual. I mean its not bad, but usually unpleasent and saddening thoughts have been bothering me. Im sure my happiness is due to the fact that i no longer worry about things, i let God handle it all! And ive been pretty encouraged by what jerry and christle said in their blogs about how God worked. MY GOD SURE IS AMAZING!!:D
'And He'll break,
Open skies..
To save,
Those who cry out his name..
The one the wind and waves obey!
He's strong enough to save you!'
Strong enough to save - Tenth Avenue North
(:
Snoring like a Snorlax.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Today was a sleepy day. Didnt have much of a mood to study a lot last night, so i thought i could sleep early. By the time i hit my bed, it was 12. And i woke up at 12:30-.-
Had a cyber wellness talk today. And the time could be used to study. Gosh waste time only. Spent like an hour sleeping in school all together. Gotta learn how to sleep less in schl..
Got home pretty early. So i guess i shall mug a lot now. Not much time left.
If anyone's taking exams soon, all the best! Its just one last lap!
Had a cyber wellness talk today. And the time could be used to study. Gosh waste time only. Spent like an hour sleeping in school all together. Gotta learn how to sleep less in schl..
Got home pretty early. So i guess i shall mug a lot now. Not much time left.
If anyone's taking exams soon, all the best! Its just one last lap!
Oh..! Happy day!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Started today off with PowerKids. Oh it was fun fun fun! As usual.
After that went for service. Worship was great. I could relate to the songs. And so sermon was about money and how it DOESNT make the world go round. I learnt from today that replacing God in our lives, with anything else, will lead to emptiness. Absolute emptiness. Also, that even though i may not have much to give, i can still, give! That giving is much better then receiving. That explains a lot doesnt it? See those old people selling tissue paper at the MRT stations? Well we could start with those people! There are many other less fortunate people around us, so why should we complain? Some cant afford a roof, nor food or even school, and to say we complain about school! Service learning, BB Sharity Gift box, and other such activities made me realise that. But the sermon was not exactly about giving to the poor, it was just an aspect. The main gist, was in my opinion, greed. About not hoarding up wealth for just ourselves. Just like the Rich Fool in Luke 12:13~21.
Well so after that, dd some stuff, chatted with friends, played yoyo. So by the time i actually started work, it was 2:30/: studied bio throughout, with joel and then chelsea came along. Den the EE people came and practiced on us! Tried to make it a little difficult for them just to prepare them. Den the EE peeps went upstairs. Den chelsea left. Den the EE peeps came down. Den we left. Joel and i left with some gurls. And they played with flour-.- mehh.. Actually quite fun la.
So came home, had nasi lemak.
Ok k bai, gotta go study. Like a Ben. Like a baws.
After that went for service. Worship was great. I could relate to the songs. And so sermon was about money and how it DOESNT make the world go round. I learnt from today that replacing God in our lives, with anything else, will lead to emptiness. Absolute emptiness. Also, that even though i may not have much to give, i can still, give! That giving is much better then receiving. That explains a lot doesnt it? See those old people selling tissue paper at the MRT stations? Well we could start with those people! There are many other less fortunate people around us, so why should we complain? Some cant afford a roof, nor food or even school, and to say we complain about school! Service learning, BB Sharity Gift box, and other such activities made me realise that. But the sermon was not exactly about giving to the poor, it was just an aspect. The main gist, was in my opinion, greed. About not hoarding up wealth for just ourselves. Just like the Rich Fool in Luke 12:13~21.
Well so after that, dd some stuff, chatted with friends, played yoyo. So by the time i actually started work, it was 2:30/: studied bio throughout, with joel and then chelsea came along. Den the EE people came and practiced on us! Tried to make it a little difficult for them just to prepare them. Den the EE peeps went upstairs. Den chelsea left. Den the EE peeps came down. Den we left. Joel and i left with some gurls. And they played with flour-.- mehh.. Actually quite fun la.
So came home, had nasi lemak.
Ok k bai, gotta go study. Like a Ben. Like a baws.
Yesterday
Today i woke up at 6:30, after sleeping like 5hrs. Remembered that i didnt set my 8o'clock alarm. So i set it.
And i woke up at 9.. Sigh, was suppose to meet ben n jerry for breakfast at 9:30 at admiralty. Went there, sang very nice songs, did work, went off. Jerry had to print the song sheets and cords. But like he wen to the shop, auntie said one page one dollar. So he unknowingly said like, its ok its ok, den print. Den he came out, and said, 'Walao eh the auntie go scam me 6page $6'. So for the rest of the day we really make fun, all the songs we modify the lyrics to saying how he got scammed no moey etc, hahahaha! K sorry jerry/: sorry.
During CG we learnt the format of Bible Study. Yay! So hopefully by next year we can be self led in BS! Alamak but ChngYi's leaving): aww..
So after that, played captain's ball. Super duper fun la. So many people! And like i got injured thrice, my left foot bled thrice?? Three wounds. Oh wells, small ones anyway. And i sprained my foot a lil. Was limping around for 10mins before i sat down. And thank God right after that, the pain was pretty much gone!
Yeah i guess today was pretty interesting! Good day id say!
And i woke up at 9.. Sigh, was suppose to meet ben n jerry for breakfast at 9:30 at admiralty. Went there, sang very nice songs, did work, went off. Jerry had to print the song sheets and cords. But like he wen to the shop, auntie said one page one dollar. So he unknowingly said like, its ok its ok, den print. Den he came out, and said, 'Walao eh the auntie go scam me 6page $6'. So for the rest of the day we really make fun, all the songs we modify the lyrics to saying how he got scammed no moey etc, hahahaha! K sorry jerry/: sorry.
During CG we learnt the format of Bible Study. Yay! So hopefully by next year we can be self led in BS! Alamak but ChngYi's leaving): aww..
So after that, played captain's ball. Super duper fun la. So many people! And like i got injured thrice, my left foot bled thrice?? Three wounds. Oh wells, small ones anyway. And i sprained my foot a lil. Was limping around for 10mins before i sat down. And thank God right after that, the pain was pretty much gone!
Yeah i guess today was pretty interesting! Good day id say!
Looking on the bright side. Sometimes being a cation, sometimes being positive!
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Sometimes i feel so helpless. Like i just cant find the correct words to say to comfort my friends. Its so discouraging, and i feel really dumb. And it makes me sadder.
To tell you the truth, these few months have been really tough on me. Sometimes i just feel lonely or other times i feel like im just screwed.
But thats not the point, honestly, i take delight in cheering others up. I dont know why actually. Its a great feeling to for someone to smile, especially when im the reason why(: So when i just cant seem to find any words, it just makes me feel so much crappier.
Really gotta read up on motivational and encouraging books heh.. So i wont not have any words to say.
Sometimes, i do have some words to say, im just afraid i worsen it. For quite a long time, ive had this feeling that the words i say, would end up hurting or angering people unknowingly. Thats probably the reason why i am quite, a reserved person when situations crop up..?
I just wished i was stronger, firstly for others, and so ill naturally be stronger for myself too.
It'll be great if i could see you smile, knowing that it would be close to permanent:,)
To tell you the truth, these few months have been really tough on me. Sometimes i just feel lonely or other times i feel like im just screwed.
But thats not the point, honestly, i take delight in cheering others up. I dont know why actually. Its a great feeling to for someone to smile, especially when im the reason why(: So when i just cant seem to find any words, it just makes me feel so much crappier.
Really gotta read up on motivational and encouraging books heh.. So i wont not have any words to say.
Sometimes, i do have some words to say, im just afraid i worsen it. For quite a long time, ive had this feeling that the words i say, would end up hurting or angering people unknowingly. Thats probably the reason why i am quite, a reserved person when situations crop up..?
I just wished i was stronger, firstly for others, and so ill naturally be stronger for myself too.
It'll be great if i could see you smile, knowing that it would be close to permanent:,)
Mad
Quiet la Ben. Stop being emo. Youre just disillusioned and tired. Cheer up!
Youre gonna meet Ben n Jerry later! Yay! But youre late.
Youre gonna meet Ben n Jerry later! Yay! But youre late.
Sand blown away, slowly the desert is fading..
Man, just sad now dunt ask why im just sad. Why am i sad? Well cause i feel like im disappearing.
Where were you when i needed you? I rmb i was there as much as i could when you needed someone. Haha...
I think i have great acting skills. You dunt see through the masquarade of smiles i put on. Sorry, but its not that i want to hide it from people, but sometimes:
1) They themselves are the cause if it
2) I feel like a burden
3) i feel like im annoying or irritating them with 'meaningless' trouble
4) They cant be trusted
5) I prefer to wallow in self-pity
6) i choose to suffer alone
But it'll be really comforting if people could see through my seemingly genuine masks, and at least tell me they sense stuff wrong.
But oh wells, i prefer to suffer alone, i prefer to wallow in self pity, i dont want to impose my problems and most importantly, i dont want to be a burden to anyone.
The stars seem so happy and bright, even though, just like me, they're burning up inside..
Where were you when i needed you? I rmb i was there as much as i could when you needed someone. Haha...
I think i have great acting skills. You dunt see through the masquarade of smiles i put on. Sorry, but its not that i want to hide it from people, but sometimes:
1) They themselves are the cause if it
2) I feel like a burden
3) i feel like im annoying or irritating them with 'meaningless' trouble
4) They cant be trusted
5) I prefer to wallow in self-pity
6) i choose to suffer alone
But it'll be really comforting if people could see through my seemingly genuine masks, and at least tell me they sense stuff wrong.
But oh wells, i prefer to suffer alone, i prefer to wallow in self pity, i dont want to impose my problems and most importantly, i dont want to be a burden to anyone.
The stars seem so happy and bright, even though, just like me, they're burning up inside..
16 hours
Yeah. So today i was out for like 16hrs. From 6:30am to 12:30. Just reached home!
School was sorta good. Well just found out a new topic covered for bio. How nice, just 13days before it and you put in something else. Oh wells. So bio lesson was good, class really concentrated and focused, teacher happy, we happy, im happy, sort of..
Den PE, man soccer was epic. So much funny stuff and all. I blocked a goal while i was planking, how cool is that? More like the person shot and missed cause of my awesome aurora.
Had my jap food spammed with chilli powder. Like freaking hot-.- Anyways, couldnt really concentrate in lesson. My brain wasnt working. I could read one entire paragraph and not even remember what i just read. Gosh.
So i stayed back afte school, polished my uniform parts, did a lil work.. Oh and after spending like an hour polishing my boots until shiny, i kicked the table just as i pit them on, den got a scratch. Heart pain sia..
So what happened was the BB 2nd Coy 80th anniversary. It started with a thanksgiving service and a short sermon, of which i missed because i was right outside to welcome and usher people in like a true gentleman.. And den dinner came. More like a speech. By VIP. He overshot his speaking time and delayed dinner. But i dunt hold it against him i guess. I mean its an honour to speak in front of me! Nah just kidding(: so there was food, a magic show, songs, videos, etc. Ended at 11+. My other friends had left at 10 cause teacher alr chartered a bus. But my Captain sent me back(:
I seemed pretty happy and all to my friends today, cause i had a really cute and handsome smile. But deep inside i guess im just feeling so lonely and lonely. Like i dunt fit in much anywhere. People talk about DOTA, some songs, music, games, food, of which i just dunt belong.
Gosh way to end my day and to start saturday. Shall turn in soon. Gotta wake up at around 8 to meet Ben n Jerry.
Ahh, theyre great friends really(: It'll be cool is we called ourselves the BJB. But Benlee said it sounded wrong:x
So yeah, if anyone's even reading this, hope you had a good day..?
Alrightskbai
School was sorta good. Well just found out a new topic covered for bio. How nice, just 13days before it and you put in something else. Oh wells. So bio lesson was good, class really concentrated and focused, teacher happy, we happy, im happy, sort of..
Den PE, man soccer was epic. So much funny stuff and all. I blocked a goal while i was planking, how cool is that? More like the person shot and missed cause of my awesome aurora.
Had my jap food spammed with chilli powder. Like freaking hot-.- Anyways, couldnt really concentrate in lesson. My brain wasnt working. I could read one entire paragraph and not even remember what i just read. Gosh.
So i stayed back afte school, polished my uniform parts, did a lil work.. Oh and after spending like an hour polishing my boots until shiny, i kicked the table just as i pit them on, den got a scratch. Heart pain sia..
So what happened was the BB 2nd Coy 80th anniversary. It started with a thanksgiving service and a short sermon, of which i missed because i was right outside to welcome and usher people in like a true gentleman.. And den dinner came. More like a speech. By VIP. He overshot his speaking time and delayed dinner. But i dunt hold it against him i guess. I mean its an honour to speak in front of me! Nah just kidding(: so there was food, a magic show, songs, videos, etc. Ended at 11+. My other friends had left at 10 cause teacher alr chartered a bus. But my Captain sent me back(:
I seemed pretty happy and all to my friends today, cause i had a really cute and handsome smile. But deep inside i guess im just feeling so lonely and lonely. Like i dunt fit in much anywhere. People talk about DOTA, some songs, music, games, food, of which i just dunt belong.
Gosh way to end my day and to start saturday. Shall turn in soon. Gotta wake up at around 8 to meet Ben n Jerry.
Ahh, theyre great friends really(: It'll be cool is we called ourselves the BJB. But Benlee said it sounded wrong:x
So yeah, if anyone's even reading this, hope you had a good day..?
Alrightskbai
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