How Many Things Have You Lived Through?

BOLD & UNDELINE the things you’ve done

I have read a lot of books.
I have been on some sort of varsity team.
I have run more than 2 miles without stopping.
I have been to Canada.
I have been to Europe.
I have watched cartoons for hours.
I have tripped UP the stairs.
I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs.
I have been snowboarding/skiing.
I have played ping pong.
I swam in the ocean.
I have been on a whale watch.
I have seen fireworks.
I have seen a shooting star.
I have seen a meteor shower.
I have almost drowned.
I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear.
I have listened to one CD over & over & over again.
I have had stitches.
I have had frostbite.
I have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there.
I have stayed up til 2 doing homework/projects.
I currently have a job.
I have been ice skating.
I have been rollerblading.
I have fallen flat on my face.
I have tripped over my own two feet.
I have been in a fist fight.
I have played videogames for more than 3 hours straight.
I have watched the power rangers.
I attend Church regularly.
I have played truth or dare.
I have already had my 16th birthday.
I have already had my 17th birthday.
I’ve called someone stupid.
I’ve been in a verbal argument.
I’ve cried in school.
I’ve played basketball on a team.
I’ve played baseball on a team.
I’ve played football on a team.
I’ve played soccer on a team.
I’ve done cheerleading on a team.
I’ve played softball on a team.
I’ve played volleyball on a team.
I’ve played tennis on a team???
I’ve been on a track or cross country team.
I’ve been swimming more than 20 times in my life.
I’ve bungee jumped.
I’ve climbed a rock wall.
I’ve lost more than $20.
I’ve called myself an idiot.
I’ve called someone else an idiot.
I’ve cried myself to sleep.
I’ve had (or have) pets.
I’ve owned a spice girls CD.
I’ve owned a britney spears CD.
I’ve owned an N*Sync CD.
I’ve owned a backstreet boys CD.
I’ve mooned someone.
I have sworn at someone of authority before.
I‘ve been in the newspaper.
I’ve been on TV.
I’ve been to Hawaii.
I’ve eaten sushi.
I’ve been on the other side of a waterfall.
I’ve watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies.
I’ve watched all the Harry Potter movies.
I’ve watched all of the Rocky movies.
I’ve watched the 3 stooges.
I’ve watched “Newlyweds” Nick & Jessica.
I’ve watched Looney Tunes.
I’ve been stuffed into a locker/I have stuffed others into lockers.
I’ve been called a geek.
I’ve studied hard for a test and got a bad grade.
I’ve not studied at all for a test and aced it.
I’ve hugged my mom within the past 24 hrs.
I’ve hugged my dad within the past 24 hours.
I’ve met a celebrity/music artist.
I’ve written poetry.
I’ve been arrested.
I’ve been attracted to someone much older than me.
I’ve been tickled till I’ve cried.
I’ve tickled someone else until they cried.
I’ve had/have siblings.
I’ve been to a rock concert.
I’ve listened to classical music and enjoyed it.
I’ve been in a play.
I’ve been picked last in gym class.
I’ve been picked first in gym class.
I’ve been picked in that middle-range in gym class.
I’ve cried in front of my friends.
I’ve read a book longer than 1,000 pages.
I’ve played Halo 2.
I’ve freaked out over a sports game.
I’ve been to Alaska.
I’ve been to China.
I’ve been to Spain.
I’ve been to Japan.
I’ve had a fight with someone on AIM/MSN/Whatever.
I’ve had a fight with someone face-to-face.
I’ve had serious conversations using IM.
I’ve forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me.
I’ve been forgiven.
I’ve screamed at a scary movie.
I’ve cried at a chick flick.
I’ve watched a lot of action movies.
I’ve screamed at the top of my lungs.
I’ve been to a rap concert.
I’ve been to a hip hop concert.
I’ve lived in more than 2 houses.
I’ve driven on the highway/been on the highway.
I’ve driven more than 400 miles in a day/been in a car that went more than 400 miles in a day.
I’ve been in a car accident.
I’ve done drugs.
I’ve been homesick.
I’ve thrown up.
I’ve puked on someone.
I’ve been horseback riding.
I’ve filled out more than 10 myspace surveys.
I’ve spoken my mind in public.
I’ve proven someone wrong.
I’ve been proven wrong by someone.
I’ve broken a leg.
I’ve broken an arm.
I’ve fallen off a swing.
I’ve swung on a swing for more than 30 mins straight
I’ve watched Winnie the Pooh movies.
I’ve forgotten my backpack when I’ve gone to school.
I’ve lost my backpack.
I’ve come close to dying.
I’ve seen someone die.
I’ve known someone who has died.
I’ve wanted to be an actor/actress at some point.
I’ve done modeling.
I’ve forgotten to brush my teeth some mornings.
I’ve taken something/someone for granted.
I’ve realized how good my life is.
I’ve counted my blessings.
I’ve made fun of a classmate.
I’ve been asked out by someone and I said no.
I’ve slapped someone in the face.
I’ve been skateboarding.
I’ve been backstabbed by someone I thought was a friend.
I’ve lied to someone to their face.
I’ve told a little white lie.
I’ve taken a day off from school just so I don’t go insane.
I’ve fainted.
I’ve had an argument with someone about whether cheerleading is a sport or not.
I’ve pushed someone into a pool.
I’ve been pushed into a pool.
I’ve been/I am in love.

世界上最远的距离是——我就在你的旁边，你却不知道我爱你！

Nothing is said, nothing is done.
Silence is tearing me apart.

I fear coming home everyday, cos the silence makes me feel guilty. Very guilty.
I'm next to them but it feels as though we're miles apart. It doesn't feel good cos I love them and I want to hug them as tight as I can for this lifetime. I really do.
Up to this point, the answer seem so clear in my mind but its so vague in my heart.
Sad to say, I don't know what I should be doing.
Never mind everything else cos this silence alone is good enough to make me topple.

I wanted to have someone to talk to, someone to hug. At least for that few hours today, or even now as I'm tearing as though I'm reading a tear-jerker. Well, in actual fact, I am. Cos I screwed up my life big time. Yet, even when I'm this down, the only comfort I get is him. But, who am I cheating? I had no one to turn to for that few hours and I had to struggle within myself. I guess that's what loneliness is all about - having people close to you physically but not yet close to your heart.

F. the distance.
Where's my knight in shining amour?

The other day, went out with XM to PS. We had like Jap food then Hongkong cafe. But, the fun part of the outing was that we managed to do a very random thing - FOOT MASSAGE! (:

She screamed quite abit and I was laughing at the side. Then, I had my retribution. I was laughing halfway and the masseur pressed a spot on my leg that hurt like... and I squirmed. It was just so embarrassing for both of us but I think we both managed to have a good night's sleep after that esp for her since I've always been sleeping well.

Well, I enjoyed my day out with her. We talked, we laughed, we shared. I am glad to have a friend like her and that her exams are over unofficially so we can spend more time together. I really hope her bf doesn't get jealous though and I really wish everything goes well between them two. Most importantly, I wish her happiness. (Dear XM, if u're reading this, I really wish u're happy. I might not be able to help you much but I'm sure one day u'll understand and realise the game of relationship all by urself.)

I wanted to say let the pictures do the talking but I realised we don't have much pictures cos she didn't have much memory left in her camera and my sis took the camera to Beijing.

I'm so proud of myself! I'm going for MOST of the lectures and I'm actually doing tutorials.

Well, my days at Sentosa have been pretty fun so far.
I love the part where I don't have to travel much.
But the food there is expensive! Like a bowl of century egg porridge can cost about $4!
Sheesh how dumb can tourists be!

Anyway, I'm sitting in front of my lappy wondering what to do and so I decided to read my mail. Lucky me, I chanced upon this email.

It seems only like yesterday.....
































































































I've never thought about growing old. (I mean, I always think that I'm still too young to think so far)
But, growing up scares me now.
These characters had their prime age, where every little kid in town goes crazy over them and they still do. They left behind a legacy so even when they became become a thing of the past, people still remember them.

But, what about me?
I haven't done anything amazing in my life and I don't know if I ever will.
I see friends getting on honour rolls, getting scholarships, winning medals,earning big money, maturing....
Yet,I've nothing to my name.

Years down the road, when I get married and have kids, I don't want to be telling them that hey, your mum is only mediocre person or an averade jane for that matter.
I want to be special to someone.
I would love to at least say something like 'Oh, I might not earn big bucks but I'm good at _____.'
At least something for my kids to look up to me.
Probably, that's why I'm working extra hard in school.
Its to make up for the times when I wasn't working hard and still very immature.

Well, I'm not asking to be famous or whatsoever.
All I'm asking is to have someone appreciate whatever talents I have.
Probably someone close, someone I love.
I don't want to grow old regretting or die as a nobody, I want to be a somebody in somebody else's eyes.

At the end of the whole email, there was this quote:

"Life is short, break the rules, forgive sooner, love with true love, laugh without control and always keep smiling.
Maybe life is not the party that we were expecting, but in the mean time, we're here and we can still dance....."

Well, it did spark a little motivation in me.
At this point in time, my life might not be the perfect party I was expecting.
But I still have to move on and why not do it happily?
I'm sure the day will eventually come when I'll get over this period of low self-esteem and confidence and finally find my self-worth.

I've been waiting for dear's call but I guess his busy. And, my eyes can't help but keep shutting....

The Climb - Miley Cyrus

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head saying,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what?s waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

This song means something to me because it represents how I've grown after this whole experience.It was something I chanced upon when I was about to watch Hannah Montana. (I know you're saying that I'm childish, but I love shows of this nature. It cranks me up!)

Oh, I was feeling randomly bored today so I searched for the meaning of my name. Here goes:

Emily means industrious in German!

Gosh I was hoping it would turn out to be something like emily means gentle or a gift from God!
Why isn't it like that! I like girls name to have a very feminine meaning behind it but why is mine so manly! Why would a girl like me want to be industrious! That's ridiculous!

Well, at least in English it means that I'm hardworking. I guess it balances out huh?

Goodnight folks! I'm running a fever now and I can't wait to get to sleep.

I don't feel like blogging. For some reason I don't know why

I don't know what to feel anymore.
My heart feels numb to all these that is happening in my life.
So I guess it's my way of saying I had had enough!

Happen to chance upon this song again. It seems like it always comes up at the right time. That's why I say sometimes its hard to live without music because music can speak right from my heart. It has never failed to do so.

作词：周杰伦　作曲：周杰伦
Lyrics and song: Jay Chou

想笑来伪装掉下的眼泪
Want to laugh to disguise the tears that's flowing

点点头承认自己会怕黑
Nod my head to admit that I'm afraid of the dark

我只求 能借一点的时间来陪
I only wish that you can spare some time for me

你却连同情都不给
But you don't even give me the slightest sympathy

想哭 来试探自己麻痹了没
Want to cry to see if I'm numb to it yet

全世界 好象只有我疲惫
It's like in the whole world I'm the only one who's exhausted

无所无所谓 反正难过就敷衍走一回
Doesn't matter, because even if I'm down I can ignore my senses and just get it over and done with

但愿绝望和无奈远走高飞
Just wish that desperation will fly far away


天灰灰 会不会
The sky is grey

让我忘了你是谁
Will it make me forget who you are?

夜越黑 梦违背 难追难回味
The darker the night, the more misbehaving my dreams, hard to remember and ponder about them

我的世界 将被摧毁 也许事与愿违 (也许事与愿违)
My world is just about to be destroyed, maybe fate is against will

累不累 睡不睡 单影无人相依偎
Tired or not, want to sleep? Alone and nobody to pair up and snuggle with

夜越黑 梦违背 有谁肯安慰
The darker the night, the more misbehaving my dreams, who is there to comfort me?

我的世界将被摧毁
My world is about to be destroyed

也许颓废也是...
Maybe being blue is...


想哭 来试探自己麻痹了没
Want to cry to see if I'm dead with out emotion yet

全世界 好象只有我疲惫
It's like in the whole world I'm the only one who's exhausted

无所无所谓 反正难过就敷衍走一回
Doesn't matter, because even if I'm down I can ignore my senses and just get it over and done with

但愿绝望和无奈远走高飞
Just wish that desperation will go away


天灰灰 会不会
The sky is gray

让我忘了你是谁
Will it make me forget who you are?

夜越黑 梦违背 难追难回味
The darker the night, the more misbehaving my dreams, hard to remember and ponder about them

我的世界将被摧毁 也许事与愿违
My world is just about to be destroyed, maybe fate is against will

累不累 睡不睡 单影无人相依偎
Tired or not, want to sleep? Alone and nobody to pair up and snuggle with

夜越黑 梦违背 难追难回味
The darker the night, the more misbehaving my dreams, who is there to comfort me?

我的世界将被摧毁
My world is about to be destroyed

也许颓废也是 ~ 另一种美
Maybe being blue is ~ another sort of beauty

Just why wouldn't anyone listen to me!
EMILY IS TIRED! :(

Tired of having to deal with all the unhappiness.
I always thought I could take it but I realised I couldn't.
I just want my happy life back!
God, please return it to me, I promise I'll be a good girl from then on.

Now, I'm just going to sit and wait.
Everyone wants me to please them and make them happy but this time no chance!
I've had enough!
It's time I made myself happy. Really happy.
Why can't you just understand that I don't care if any tom, dick and harry were to look down on me just cos I'm from poly, because I believe that the only person that can look down on you is yourself. So what if others were to snigger and say you're lousy cos you're from poly, its not like their going to see you ever again. Or if your employer were to say that, he's being too practical as long as you know what you're capable of and constantly work hard I think that's good enough.
Forget about all that Poly students are lousy thing!

In any way, my dream is just to have a family of my own and a reasonable salary.
I don't need to live in a big terrace house where everyone in the family is so separated, I don't need to go on holidays every year when it isn't really helping us bond (staying in singapore can help you bond as a family too), I don't need manicure, pedicures, facials every single month, I don't need to be able to buy branded stuff when pasar malam stuff is good enough for me.
That's all I'm asking.
Why keep pushing me to pursue a career that pays well when what I want is a career that brings me happiness!
Say I'm impractical, but how many other Singaporeans have done that and how many people out there in the world that have done that too?
Why won't you just understand!!!!

You want me to choose right?
Let me tell you, I'll pack my bags and leave.
But not with Shawn but somewhere else, maybe somewhere that I can just be alone and not bother about anything for the time being.

I know it sounds like I'm avoiding the situation but I almost breaked down. I never felt so lost in my entire life! Luckily xiaomeng was there for me, otherwise I would have just fainted, died and rotted without anyone knowing.
Wait and see.... ok I shall just do that. I mean at least now I have time to think about myself and not about all of you.
Hey parents and Shawn, forget about what you loved me and all that rubbish.
Trust me if you do love me!

I know some of you must be thinking that I was the on who told my parents so I should bear the consequences of all these and stop acting to be miserable when I'm the cause of it.
Well, I did tell my parents and they chased me out after that but I did tell them I broke up with him already.
Today, when I decided to just return home and be happy happy me as usual, they just went into a fit and start saying I lied.
For what reason they found out that we didn't break up, I don't know and I don't want to know.
What I want to know is that is Shawn hurt by the nasty things my mum called to tell him and will he decide to leave me cos he is tired of handling objections from my parents? or will he leave cos he dosen't want me to be in a difficult position?
Ohgosh. that must never happen! I didn't feel that I was in a difficult position and my stand has always been very clear.
I will never let my parents sabotage my relationships.
I just hope he doesn't think that way and then repeat what he did in the past.

God, save me! I'm so tired I just feel like giving up!

Ok, enough of rattling about how miserable I felt.
Did you really think I'll give them up so easily?
Or did you really think that I was angry at them?
Nope, I wasn't angry.
I was just grumbling like I always do. I mean its the best thing to do when your hands are tied and can't solve a problem. Then while grumbling, we'll just wait and see.
Maybe at the start it's a little difficult to handle letting go so there was this big boo-hoo from me but now, its slightly better I suppose.
I was really ready to pack and leave but to no idea where.
Not that I wanted to make a decision now, just that i need to take a breather.
They are breathing down my neck like draculas! Maybe not Shawn, he dosen't even bother breathing down my neck.
I'm tired but not to extent of killing myself and giving up.

I mean I'm glad I had people like xiaomeng and john to help me along the way. They really helped soothe my uneasiness.

LET'S CONTINUE WAITING AND SEE........
(maybe the sky will drop or maybe we'll see a shooting star?)

I decided to delete the post I posted with anger cos anger does me no good!
When its my fault, it is my fault and there is no point in finding gazillions of excuses and reasonings for it.

So after Shawn replied my msg confirming that it is what he was unhappy about, things finally started coming to me and now I finally know what's wrong. I tooked 4 weeks to understand this. Probably he made me learnt this lesson the hard way.

I did ask Leeyang out!
IT IS MY FREAKING FAULT FOR TAKING THINGS FOR GRANTED!
Now, you get the picture so stop saying nasty things about Shawn!
I'm sick of having people go up to him telling him that he hurt me!!!!!
Not that it helped make things better. Instead, it made me seem like a whiny childish fool who dosen't admits her mistakes and go around pushing the blame.
Don't you understand that I will handle the problem myself. Who do you think you are to meddle with my stuff!
I should have known better that to trust you.
There goes 10 years of friendship.

The next question some might be asking is: so you cheated on shawn?
Well, I didn't.
It isn't the first time after I am with Shawn that I've gone out with Leeyang and the rest.
Everytime Leeyang is the one who initiates and organises the outings with my SA clique.
This time it is as usual, Leeyang wanted to plan an outing for all of us to have dinner.
However, this time I took Shawn for granted. He had always agreed to the outings so I thought this time it would be the same especially after I had shown him the msg Leeyang sent asking me, "when are we going out?"
I understood that Leeyang mass send the msg and didn't ask me alone.
So, I didn't respect Shawn by not asking him if he felt okay about it if I were to go out with them. In fact, I don't think I even explained to him at that point in time that Leeyang meant to mean that it was with Jane and the rest.
Instead, I went ahead to reply Leeyang days after, "when are we going out?". This was done without Shawn's knowledge.
This msg then became the crux of the whole arguement.
We looked at the whole issue differently. He felt that I lied to him while I felt that he didn't trust me.
But eventually it boils down to one point. Lack of understanding!
I should not have took things for granted and didn't even tell him about it, at least let him know it isn't with Leeyang alone. In fact, I shouldn't even be stubborn and still keep going out with Leeyang just cos he did me a big favour last time.
But, I did and now I'm regretting it big time cos it pays to think like that.

Well, I made things clear with Leeyang that day. I didn't tell him anything about Shawn and me. I just told him that I got to spare a thought for Shawn so I got to stop seeing him even if its in the group. That applies to Zonghan as well. Well, he understood. No questions and all he said was take care! But of course, I might still need him to explain to Shawn. But, he made me understand that as friends, they don't doubt my decision and trust that I'll make a wise choice so they just support it. Guess, he really treated me as a friend and I'm thankful for that.

Gosh, this lesson is a very expensive one and I learnt it the hard way (having someone you love ignore you). I just hope that there is a chance to make up for it. Like what John says, at least now I know what made Shawn angry and I better learn my lesson so that the next time I will know how to communicate with him.

Okay, not forgetting to mention the comfort xiaomeng gave me.

I guess I just have to continue waiting till he's ready.
Whoever sees me please do not bring up relationship topics in front of me cos I will just start brawling my eyes out.
Please someone fast forward the time, to the time he has forgiven me and when we live happily ever after....

P.S 18 years old don't need parents approval to get married! I was right. Stupid whoever who told me have to wait till 21. Now, my dream of getting married and having kids can be fulfilled sooner. It was the only thing I lived for. I know it sounds very un-ambitious but everyone has their own set of aspirations and I'm proud to say that mine is to have a family of my own and a doting husband.

I finally had the mood to blog about my birthday! (:
Isn't it weird that I only have the mood to blog when I'm really down?
Tell you more about it later.

Well, my class celebrated my birthday 2 days before the actual day.
I was rushing for law project meeting during my 1 hour break that day so I didn't really pay much attention to what was going on around me.
Chongning kept asking me to go to the canteen to have my lunch first before meeting the rest so I agreed.
Then, I saw brenda and the rest there.
Brenda was holding a box from sugarloaf so I asked her who was it for and went on to complain that it wasn't fair that her friend got a birthday cake but I didn't.
Until this point in time, I still couldn't figure out that they were planning a surprise for me!
Gosh!
Then, I finally go to meet up with my law project mates.
Halfway through the meeting, they started singing happy birthday song with the cake from sugarloaf.
Well, thanks to all!
It meant alot to me I was totally not in the birthday mood at that time. In fact, I was feeling a little down due to projects and all. But, the celebration really made me feel that all of you cared and it made me feel much better.
Let the pics do the talking!
(Thanks Sarah for the pictures!)























































































































































I spent the first minute of my birthday at HAN's with my family.
They wanteed to surprise me with a cake but the waiter blew it off for them. HAHA
Well, being the nice and lovely girl, I pretended to be surprised so that it wouldn't disappoint them.
The next day, we went to Sheraton Hotel for lunch. Following that, we went shopping at Taka.
My mum got me earrings and a necklace. And, the message she left fo me was: May you always be well-protected!
The birthday celebration was a big hoo-ha! but it was spent with people who are very dear to me. To me, that's good enough.

At night, had steamboat at Norman's place.
Argued quite abit with dear. Just felt that his tolerance level for me is dropping rapidly.
I mean it. It wasn't the best birthday celebration we had together (not that we had that many) but it was good enough to have him with me. I guess.

This leads me to why I'm unhappy today.
I argued with him again today.
(imagine the nubmer of times we have argued in this one month)
I do admit that most of the times I'm just being plain irritating and throwing uneccesary temper.
But the rest of the times, I just feel that he isn't as tolerant of me as before and I can sense the unhappiness in him.
I keep having to tell myself that he is just busy with work and has no time to entertain my nonsense.
But, is that really a valid excuse?
I just feel like I'm slowly losing him. Not to work, but to time.
As time goes by, friction between us starts building up and problems start surfacing.
No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to get into the door in his heart.
I'm left feeling very insecure, unappreciated and cheap in that sense.
I haven't experinced such a feeling before.
I hate it and I'm trying very hard to beat it off.
But it seems that I just can't fight it.
It probably just wasn't meant to be.

I love you. But, is it time to give up?

I went for SSM again today, from 8am till 6pm.
Its the longest I've ever stayed for SSM so far.
Well, I failed my grooming cos of my hair! And I still thought things were getting better since I passed it last week.
Crap.

I am a pretty fortunate girl though.
I had a handsome dear to send me to school this morning so that I can laze in bed awhile longer.
We bought breakfast and that's when I irritated him early in the morning cos I sort of showed no interest in showing directions. I guess he was pretty upset over it.

Tried out proficiency test 2 first before moving on to test 1.
Still not very sure whether I can do well but at least I will pass.
I bought the wrong wine opener right from the start cos it dosen't have a foil cutter and it is single pulltab.
Which makes my job even more difficult and I was struggling with it until Mr Goh made fun of me.
He kept saying that I was going to repeat SSM and that he would see me again next semester.
All I told him was that I would go back to visit him but I won't repeat the subject.
Eventually, I decided to buy the TCA wine opener.
Kinda late huh?

Went out with Kleiser's family today and got to play with his son.
Everytime I see him it tickles me cos it instils that motherly feeling in me.
I guess its not just with his son, its with every other kid.
It feels like I'm seeing him grow up.
Everytime I see him, he has either grown bigger or has learned something new.
I can't wait for him to talk and run (:

I finally knew what I thought didn't feel right about this relationship.
The one thing that has been bothering me for quite awhile and something that left me feeling insecure.
It is that I'm not being supportive enough and it feels like 2 different lifes being linked together and we merely live in the middle area where the 2 lifes meet.
To put it simply, we haven't opened up ourselves to each other to the extent that these 2 lives come together to be 1.
Maybe that day will come only if we do get married.
But still, it can be worked towards too.
And, he still hasn't trust me enough to let me do things for him.
I know it takes time so I'm going to wait until he is able to do so.
However, he has done alot of things for me even though he hasn't really cracked the nut in me.
That's why, I've decided to be supportive and do something for him.
Something that he trusts me enough to do and I have the ability to do so.
Therefore, I've come up with the idea of financial planning.
I guess through this it helps build the foundation of our relationship and we begin to trust each other and feel secure by knowing that this person is more than willing to go through thick and thin with me.

My dad made a very irresponsible remark and I got kind of pissed off so I just left the conversation we were having. I still have no idea how to explain my 'big' plans with them though.

In the process of thinking....Till then, ta-ta!

sometimes i feel very fortunate to have someone like you right beside me.
i haven't love anyone that much for quite awhile now but you are making me fall in love with you even more each day.

there were times we argued and quarreled but there were also times when we would laugh so hard together and enjoy ourselves. as time goes by, i guess we slowly learned how to accept each others flaws and live with it.

i remember the time when we first met - something about you just attracted me and from then on I was mesmerized.
i would wait at NUS, hoping that you would appear so that i would catch a glimpse of you.
i remember the first time you asked me out on a movie / roller-blading date and how you ended up sleeping in the theatre.
i remember how we would stay by the beach / park with 'zhenzi' and talk into the wee hours of the night.
i remember the times when I would bring breakfast for you and you would finish it no matter what.
i remember how we had heated arguments and you would vanish into thin air. I would get so worried and spam you with emails and phonecalls and cry myself to sleep. When you finally replied, i would feel so relieved and smile all over again.
i remember the times when you would whip up a good meal for me by the beach and won't mind getting all sweaty all over again.
i remember the times when you would travel all over singapore when i was sick.
i remember the time when you held back your punches at my dad even though you were fuming inside cos it showed me how much you really want to make things work and not to make things difficult for me.
i saw the effort you've put in to make sure you please my parents by sending me back early cos you don't want me to get screamed at.
i remember the time when we had the 'scare' and you were almost all so ready to face it with me.
i remember how you would put out your cigarette just cos i couldn't stand the smoke.
i remember how you would go all over singapore to satisfy my food cravings.
i love the way you get would call a number of times when I go out with guy friends cos it shows that you cared.
i love the way you tell me you just want to grab me and go to the church with me this minute.
i love the way you hug me to sleep and then snore the next minute.
i love the way you are able to have control over my emotions.
i love the way you say that you're working hard for your career and OUR future cos it makes me feel accepted into your life.
i love the way you gave me big hugs just cos i wanted them.
i love the way you say 'dear, i love you!'
most importantly, i love you for being yourself.

there are times (almost everytime) i do have a naive thinking that i do want to be that special someone in your life even though i know that we might not even be together eventually.
when this happens, i feel so insecure by alot of things you say cos it makes me feel that you aren't sure yet and it makes me worry cos anytime you can tell me that i am not the one for you. then, you will leave me.
i start becoming very unreasonable and throw my tantrums at you.
i know i haven't been very accommodating and understanding during this period of time and sometimes i ask myself why am i throwing such tantrums.
that's because i care and i can't bear to lose you just yet.

dear, i might not be the prettiest girl on earth or in singapore. i might not even be the most understanding and supportive girlfriend i would very much want to be. i might not even be the smartest and most virtuous girl around. or i might not be better that any of the other girls you have been together with. but this is who i am. i really do hope that you would love me for who i am and not for who i am not. will u accept my flaws and love me for who i am?

i love you, dear.

Yeterday went to vivo's secret recipe with SA clique.
We were supposed to meet at 6 pm but Zonghan and I only reached around 7pm+.
Leeyang was like complaining that both of us always late.
But I had a reason! Not like Zonghan who was late cos he was sleeping!
(:

Jane and Jasmine came from school to join us.
We ate and chat but I was quite stressed up with all my homework and projects piling up and due next week so I didn't really talk much.
After we left, I sent a msg to apologise and all of them were so encouraging.
That's why I say they are really nice people to be with.
I so miss the times we had in SAJC! ):

so dear was being a green-eyed monster cos he called me like 3 times yesterday when I was out with Leeyang and the rest.
I mean he never calls just to talk crap when he is working so it is pretty unusual when he called me thrice yesterday.
well, it feels kinda nice to know that at least someone is getting all worried over you.
I haven't had this feeling for very long.

I have project deadlines and test all falling in place next week:
1. marketing test on monday (which I haven't studied and whose notes I totally don't understand at all)
2. BESE report due on monday
3. law presentation due on friday

I am going off to have my face treated now so ta-ta! (:

9 years.
In a blink of an eye, you have left us for 9 years.
I took 9 years to actually get use to the fact that you are gone.
Sometimes I hoped that you never had to take up smoking and that it never had to take your life but I learnt to let go and have the courage to think and talk about you all over again.
And, it is only until know did I know how much I missed you.
When I am all alone, I would think of you once in awhile and leaves me in tears.
When I tried to smile and talk about you, I realised the silence in ahmah and how fake is my smile.
During family gatherings when everyone is talking and laughing, I wished you were with us and that you never left.
I refused to think about you cos I know the pain in me hasn't gone.

I have learnt to let go and accept this fact.
Now, I want to thank you for the happy and sweet memories that you etched in me.
I was so young when you left me. Too young to even know how much you meant to me.
I never gotten a chance to do this but I really want to let the whole world know how much you have done for me. I am sorry for the times I haven't been a good girl and angered you but I am grateful of alot of other things.

The days when you would wake up early just to get me roti prata for my breakfast.
When you would bring me on MRT rides to the market when my parents were at work.
When you would buy green pancake with peanuts in it for me to snack on.
When you told the maid off cos she served me with piping hot milk.
When you popped by to visit me and make sure that I am fine when I shifted house.
When you taught me the meaning of family.
When you taught me how to love and respect.

These memories might seem simple and insignificant to some but it holds special meaning to me. I could have chosen to forget these memories as I grow up but I chose not too cos it reminds me of the lessons my grandfather taught me and that I always will have a hero in my heart who will be watching over me.

I want him to know that he might not have been a tycoon or a war hero but in my eyes, he was a great man. He was my grandfather.

阿公，妹妹長大了懂得大聲說出我對你的思念了。我好想你！

Show the ones you love how much you love them when you still can.
True enough, it sounds very cliche.
That's what I thought too so I took my grandpa for granted and never did anything for him in return.
But it is only when I lost him, then I learnt my lesson. In fact, it was a very expensive lesson.
Trust me, love and care while you still can and you will never go wrong.

Why live your life with regret just because of that minute of ego, right?

It has been quite awhile since we went to the park together. And I really am happy we did finally had time to go there.
No fancy restaurants, no pricey food, no candlelight dinner.
All there was the dark blue sky with stars, 'rainbows' and a full moon as a backdrop and beef curry rice to fill our stomachs.
In my eyes, this was the best candlelit dinner under the moonlit night in the fanciest restaurant serving the best food.
And as you held my hand, it felt like forever was near.

Sometimes the simplest pleasures make you the happiest person.

SEMESTER 2.1!

This is the semester with uniforms to wear.
I have to be in formal attire every monday for BESE then I have to wear uniform every wednesday for SSM.
Whee. Its feels like I am really working in the industry. Monday is to be a working professional while Wednesday is to be a waitress (who can't carry 3 plates stably!)
For the first SSM lesson, I was late and got screamed at.
The next lesson, I woked up even earlier so I was slightly earlier but still not good enough for me cos I spend quite awhile getting prepared for class.
At first, I thought Mr Goh would be like those old school tutors like dear described but apparently it turned out that it wasn't the case.
He is quite jovial and comical at times and he makes you want to do things for him. He scolds for a reason so I am quite ok if he screams at me while I was pouring the wine for him.
Apparently, dear says he was like a bulldog back in Shatec and that not many people respected him.
Well, I guess it takes time to see.

Other lessons were quite ok.
But I think I should really buck up on TTO so I should be revising my IHT notes to refresh myself on the different terms used in the industry.
I was quite lost during TTO tutorial today.

Had dinner, coffeeshop hunting and doing of Chefworkz stuff today with dear.
I am like spending almost 5days a week with him.
I am always wondering if he will get bored of seeing me so many days in a week.
LOL.

I will be heading to the library tomorrow to borrow books and to PAY MY FINE OF $54.90.
Crap.
I think they adjusted the library fine cos it never used to be so bloody expensive!
I have to make a new card too cos they won't allow me to use my IC or ez-link since I reported loss for my ez-link before.
There goes another $5.
They should really not make going to the library to borrow books so expensive when you forget/have no time to return books.
Otherwise there will be no pull factor for people like me to go back again. I would rather go to bookstores like SAN bookstore to rent so that even I don't return it on time, I still get the book and don't have to pay so much.

Alrighty I am going to use the mask I bought from The Face Shop today.
I am so excited over it (:

Ta-Ta!

Expectations are part and parcel of life, be it expectations we have of others or expectations others have for us.
Most of the time I work for the expectations others have for me.
It serves as a good motivator at times but when these expectations start to decide my course of life, then maybe its time for me to let go of these expectations and stand up for myself?

I just don't know.

I HAVE A BIG RED BRUISE ON MY THIGH!!!!!

It wasn't really red at first then dear insisted that it would be best to rub it hard so that the blood flows. So now I am left with a red bruise that isn't so painful anymore.

Someone ever told me, 'There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroad, afraid, confused and without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back.'

When you are at crossroads, there are choices we have to make.

I was supposed to visit my grandma a few days ago but when I was on the phone with her she brought up the topic about boyfriends after hearing from my aunt that I was going out with a 'wrong' guy. So, she kept telling me to focus on my studies and to be with someone that will not hinder my dreams and aspirations.

First Choice: To lie or not to lie

I lied.
I lied that this guy was just a very good friend of mine who was still studying.
I lied so that she wouldn't worry.
I lied knowing that one day she will find out the truth and be so disappointed in me.
I lied with tears trickling down my face.

一个谎言不管编制得多完美， 始终还是会被揭穿的。而当谎言被揭穿时， 对方的痛是你无法想像的。

Honestly speaking, I have told a whole pack of lies to my parents just so that I can have the best of both worlds. I used to feel so guilty for telling these lies but as time goes by I have gotten used to it.

Ironically, telling these lies seem so new and unnatural to me all of a sudden. Maybe because this time I am lying to a person so dear to me that lying to her has never crossed my mind.

I always how they will feel if they were to realise that their daughter/granddaughter had been lying to them all these while. I bet they will be so disappointed and I will be too embarrassed to face them.

That is why I chose to spend less time at home cos I figured out that this will minimise the number of lies I have to tell adn maybe this will help lighten their disappointment.

In the end, I chose not to visit my grandma cos I have no idea how to face her after all the lies that I have told her and I really really don't want to tell her more lies.

Avoidance, in this case, might be the best cure.

Second Choice: To choose to have a guilty-conscience or to be guilt-free

For now, my choice will be to have a guilty-conscience.

I beg to differ on the part of turning around when faced with the unknown.
In fact, I believe that every song has an ending, whether good or bad, but is that any reason not to enjoy the music?
Nobody can predict the future. Will we get married, have kids and live happily after? I don't know. But for now, I know I love him and I am happy with him. All I want is to be happy.
Some think that I am very selfish to build my happiness at the expense of others but I choose to believe that that will not be the case. That's why I don't see the reason why I should just turn around and back out just because I am uncertain of what lies ahead of us.

Well, the reason behind my blog title is because I just deleted all my entries by accident so this will then naturally become the first post on my blog.
There goes the entries I posted for the past 2 years!
Those entries contained laughter, sorrow and some of my deepest thoughts that would have been great memories for me in time to come.
But I guess all things have to come to an end eventually and its time to start all over again.

I guess my first post should start with an introduction of myself.
So here goes.
I am Emily and I am a happy lady with a wonderful family, great bf and a bright future ahead of me.
Well, the fact that you are reading this entry means that you know alot more about me than what I have just stated. Otherwise, if you don't really know me then that's all you got to know about me for now.

When I was younger, I could remember everything, whether it happened or not. But my memory is failing me. I can sense it. Even the simplest words are better than the best memory. That's why I feel the need to log down the things that happened so dearly in my life. No fancy pictures, no bombastic vocabulary, just plain words with a thousand meanings.

Memories can be sad, but sometimes they can also save you.