Yes, I have left this site untouched for quite a bit since the New Year, but there was no urgent need to rant or express.
Life was great. Was - Emphasized. Everything was on a roll, I had great results, I got to know wonderful people, got super involved, everything was perfect. Until..
What do you do, when you were so sure. When you felt great. When you were confident and secure.
What do you do, when suddenly all that was there isn't anymore? What do you do when all is broken and never the same again.
What do you do, when someone says, No. Not this time. No, You are NOT the one. No, thank you.
It is resounding in my head. Rejection. Defeat.
I had it all planned out. I had it in my hands. Or so at least I thought.
Then, when you need a friend to comfort you, He's far away.
I am in need right now. Fragile. Hurt and feeling that I am not good enough. because I wasn't the right fit.
Was I destined to always Fight for what I want and be the less fortunate?
This will be how I will express my feelings. Writing it out, rather than to get wasted on alcohol, blame someone else or cut myself. I will write it out.
I am feeling frustrated because I believed I was good. I was articulate, refined and poised. I was calm, eloquent and respectful. I was mature, descriptive and experienced. But yet, it was a No. But yet, I was the cut. But yet, I was passed.
Then I question, was it because I was no good? Was it because I was not good enough? Was it because I had so much experience that they wanted to give someone else a chance? Was it because I appeared overly confident? Was it because I was too gentle? Was it because I'm just a fucking short kid? Was it because I'm Asian? Was it because I'm international? Or was it just because, I wasn't the Right Fit. Right FIT you say. Yeah RIGHT~
I took an hour long shower and thought it out as the waters tip and tapped on my head. I lean against the wall. I turned against the wall. I covered my face. I sat down on the floor as the waters ran around me. I clasps my arms around my feet. I lowered my chin. I cried.
I questioned why. I blamed myself mostly. What did I do wrong? It played all over again. I tried revising the whole process. What could I have done differently?
Who was I fooling. All I really wanted was to help my parents save that money. With this, I would have gotten free accommodation and food paid for for the remaining of my undergraduate degree. I had high expectations and high stakes. I was not to disappoint. But I did. I failed them. I failed myself. I failed. I'm sorry Daddy and Mummy. I'm sorry.
I wished I wasn't a burden.
Now, I question.
Hug me now, will you?
