I had the most amazing time at bible study this morning. I've been doing the series "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore with some other girls at our church. It's an early morning start at 6:30 AM and honestly most mornings I'm just not all that excited to go. I dragged myself out of bed this morning just after Anna crawled in and said she wanted to snuggle. Hard decision but there was coffee at Lindy's house and I really do just love watching Beth Moore teach, so off to their house I went. I am soooo glad I did! Although, it brought back some hurt and a situation I continue to struggle with and have for almost 2 years now, talk about needing to break free and as Beth Moore would say, "can I get an Amen?"
So, nothing holding back, I'm just going to talk about it. Regardless of other's views, regardless of my "friends" and how they view it differently and their view. I feel I never got to express my position/feelings after the converstaion let alone had the freedom to communicate my feelings in the situation......Before Peter and I moved from Chico we were in a small group with a few other great couples, our friends. We loved living life together, meeting together once a week for dinner at each other's houses. We went camping together, played together, had movie nights and mainly just lived in community together. We had gone to college together, gotten married around the same time as each other and were in each other's weddings. We were bonded. It was hard to leave a "tight knit" group and move to Truckee where we had no one, nothing, and started from scratch looking to build friendships like this. While in Truckee, we met some friends, they brought us in, loved on us, helped us through Anna's birth and were generally supportive but not as tight as the group we still longed for.
When we came home on the weekends, we would see our group of friends, they would be happy to see us and back to Truckee we went. As the two years passed, we grew more and more distant, coming home was more and more foreign and we realized that there wasn't quite the bond there once was. Their life went on and we were just a shadow of it. So, in coming home, it felt weird. I was never so excited about anything before, I missed Chico terribly and was so excited to come back but knew coming back to friends wasn't going to be as comfortable as it once was. Sadly, distance took it's toll. Peter and I contemplated returning back to our old bible study and group of friends yet it just didn't feel right to waltz back in and left off where we started because so much had changed. I had changed, my heart and changed and my friends had changed, time can do that.
It wasn't until I got an invite to "discuss" some things with my friends that I felt completely ambushed, accused, wronged, rejected, un-loved, judged, disgusting, and horrible. My friends had gotten together and decided that there were some things they wanted to talk with me about before they "welcomed" us/me back to the bible study. It mainly began with them around a coffee table with some homemade cookies to help ease the situation/make it relaxed conversation (really?) and me sitting in a chair. The tension in the room to start really was quite ridiculous and it was beyond uncomfortable. The conversation began with them talking about how close they had grown as a group and as friends while I was gone, meaning no, I wasn't a part of that closeness. It then progressed into telling me all they basically didn't like about me and why. It began with: you are harsh, you act like you always know everything, you are demeaning, you make us feel like crap, you act like you are better than us, we can't always call you back we have lives too, you're expectations are unrealistic, you're not loving, you're judgemental, we don't trust you and on and on. Here and there came a "but we love you" and "we think you're great" and "but you really are a good friend" and "you're just like that" "you just come across like that" "we are loving you in telling you these things about yourself." Now, after two years all I hear is still only the beginning. Do I truly believe they mean the second half of the "good" they said? NO WAY, NO HOW. All that rings as "truth" in my mind are the first things that were said, the negative. The conversation ended with them wanting it to be a growing experience for our friendships and to communicate and for them to make a better effort at pursuing me back as a I have pursued their friendships. Has this happened, a few have stuck to their word, others have let it go and walked away.
Now, I know that I am a strong person, I do know what I want, I do have expectations of if you call someone they should return your call. I do speak my mind, not always the most gently but I do speak my mind. Do I mean it harshly, no, do I hold people to their word, yes. Am I confident, yes. Am I judgemental, we all are at times but do I love my friends despite their faults, yes, do I judge the decisions they make no. Are they the decisions I would make, not always but I back them 100% if that is their choice. There are times I can't help but give my opinion, I respect the opinions of others and love hearing from other's what they would do, it's how I grow, learn and better myself as a person. Do I have room for growth, absolutely, am I still learning and growing and forming myself as a person, YES. Am I who I was 2 years ago? NOPE, so much has changed, I have changed, I have learned, I have grown. So, in learning all this about myself, I am more confident that that is just who I am. My friends in this one night basically said, "we don't like you" "we don't like who you are" "we hate you" and "we don't want to be around you." Yet, they sugar coated it to, "we're telling you this because we want you to learn from it and be better and we really do like you. We just want to be better." Well.....since that night I have hung out with one of the girls who "genuinely wanted to better our relationship" once. And my other friendships have sadly faded into almost uncomfortable acquaintances, it still hurts my heart. Mainly because I don't think they have any clue as to how this night has affected my life for the past 2 years. I don't think they understand how damaging that night was to me nor do I think they would acknowledge or fathom how I felt about it or how unfair it was to me. I am open to growth and honest converstaions. I just feel that if my friendship truly meant that much to them that they needed to tell me this they should have come to me one and one. It would have shown me they genuinely cared instead of bashing me, feeding me cookies and then walking away for good. However, one friendship has truly grown from this siutation and for that I am so thankful.
The difference being she has demonstrated her true love for me, she's tried her hardest to love me even in my uglyness and has come to "understand" me and my heart. She's chosen to see me in a different light and accept me for me. Thank you for this my friend, it means so much to me that I can come to you, that you can accept and love me and help me grow in my unlovliness free of judgement. Thank you for true forgiveness and love where other's have failed me.
Now for breaking free......the study this morning was on truth's and knowing God's truths vs. the truths of others. One major point was on equations and forming our equations. They went something like this: environmental influences+experiential influences=my truth. My truth+nothing=incompletion. My truth+Satan's lies=captivity. God's truth>My truth. My truth+God's truth=freedom. I have been living captive to these words friends have instilled/spoken over me in my mind and it's all I hear when I think of them. Now, I do want to say that I love each one of these girls, they are really true gems and amazing women, I just don't feel they look at me in that way nor do I feel respected by them. A verse that I am in love with that the study went over this morning was Hebrews 4:12-16. It says, "12 For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. 13 Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable. 14 So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. 15 This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. 16 So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." This verse spoke to me so deeply this morning. It opened my eyes to realize that I answer to him, he understands my weaknesses, my faults and he loves me unconditionally despite them. He continues to walk with me, he does not leave me, he did not forsake me. He doesn't tell me or show me a weakness and then leave. He continues to pursue me. He knows my heart and it's intentions. I now walk with a freedom in Christ knowing this and choose to let this hurtful situation pass. I choose today to let go of this past. It has been so good for me to process this as I feel I've been holding on to it for a couple years now.
I've been anxious in starting new friendships in fears that they will view me the same as my "girlfriends" did. I desire for deep friendships where they love who I am and what I offer and how I can encourage. I long for friends to understand the depth of my heart and willingness to serve and love them. I long for friends who will just listen and not judge. I long for friends who just get me, who understand me, who can encourage me in love and not in negativity. Maybe that is what my friends intended the course of the night to be two years ago but that is not what they have lived or portrayed to me. Instead of love or forgiveness out of that name came hurt, abandonment and misunderstanding. None of which the Lord calls to live amongst friendship's and believer's. So, I continue to pray for those lasting friendships and those whom I do call friends, I dearly love for loving me for who I am and who I want to grow to become. We all need friends to help us grow and learn and feel loved. I am so thankful that this morning I can come before the thrown of grace and walk in a new freedom because Jesus made a way for me!!
