it's sad (so sad) so sad
it's a sad sad situation
and it's getting more and more absurd
it's sad (so sad) so sad

i bawled when i heard this song. how redonkulous but yeah; sorry seems to be the hardest word these days ):

oh bollocks, what have i gotten myself into ):

i've been to this page so many times, typed a few lines so many times and clicked on the x button so many times; i'm apprehensive about finishing up this entry but i'm determined. after all, there's no one left to turn to. BAH.

walkin' the streets with you and your worn-out jeans
i can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself
hey isn't this easy

its funny how it has only been TWENTY ONEE days into the new year and yet i'm already making mistakes and having regrets :/ talk about living large and having fun. PFFT. i guess, this wasn't smtg i expected happening all too soon. i still remember asking kuek just the other day; what sort of problems does one have?! HAHAHA. who was i kidding, my life is fraught with so many. i honestly think i should stop confiding in people. neh mind how exhausting it gets on their part but i think i don't like exposing myself after all. i don't like the vulnerable position it puts me in. in fact, i'm so screwed up, i pretty much fcuked up much of life. although, i'm not sure if i like it this fcuked up. alone time is all one needs right? at least, till she's sane enough to get her shit tgt. aye, i gather.

its hard to say whether you're a happy person or not. are you truly happy if so easily you're unhappy? idk but i hate feeling all grumpy. one would think pms stops but mine seems to continue and go on in overdrive POOF. a few days ago, the fear of failing haunted me and it blinded all reason and sense and sensibility. it made me paranoid and afraid. insecure and a total emotional wreck but now that its over, i hate telling people how it went, i hate talking about it, i hate that it even happen but of course, i'm glad its over. but i hated putting myself through all that sheet. like sheeet.

many things happen in life, i get all emotional and dependent but i think honestly, heart to heart, its time to grow up. truthfully, i don't think i was made to have friends. fcuk you if you agree, fcuk you if you don't. fcuk you, you should stop reading and let me mind my own business! but AYE. i hate hearing opinions that differ from mine. or well at least, the way its done gets to me. i'm fcuked up )): i hate being all messed up.

i thought going back would help and it did but i'm finding it oh so hard to keep it. i hate lagging behind. i hate clamming up to opinions. i hate feeling all insecure and judged. i hate how i hate everything single fcuking thing. ROARRR. ew ugly baby lizard. i guess life's great when you don't have to think about living it. but what's life if you just lead it. ): even life's hard to please. its so hard, so hard. i feel horrible. i need some light. some goodness to pull me through. well okay, maybe make that a whole sky full of goodness. ): will i ever turn around? as i was saying; it helps when you don't think. it helps when you're numb to the ongoings of life. it helps when you brush everything aside. it helps when you aren't bothered by pesky little things called thoughts.

work work, off you go then.

feb 5th used to be a day i looked forward too ): now its got to be mar 22nd. and the feeling suckkks. i'm grappling and i've half a heart to turn and run. i wished somebody could tell me what to do. a lot of people probably already have so i guess i wished i'd listen. ): it just sucks, looking forward to something so much; planning what you're gonna doo only to have it postponed even if its for a greater good. ): it just sucks having to work 9-5 when you feel like/know you don't have to. it just sucks stepping foot into someplace cold, harsh, gossipy, political, friendless, abusive and RAHHHH. ): i don't make friends easy, why can't you see that. i hate socialising. i hate being professional no, strike that, i hate ACTING professional. i am. i just hate having to put on a front because you don't make it easy. i hate having to be nice when you fcuking suck at what you do. i hate being the lowest lifeform. i hate having to bow down, be humble and give in. i hate having to slog for pittance. i just hate hate hate hate hate working ):

the phone rings in the middle of the night
my mother says, "when you gonna live your life right"
well mother dear
we're not the fortunate ones

but i know there's nthing else better to do. i could swim and tan but that gets lonely, i could pick up yoga but i could get lazy, i could go shopping but money would run out, i could traipse the streets but i've chased my friends away. i could stay home, bum around, wake up late and watch teevee but in time, i'll become pale, yellow and all bored and grumpy. WHAT IS ONE TO DO. ): i have choice. but sometimes i honestly wished i didn't. ):

all girls
they want to have fun
oh girls they
that's all they really want
those girls
they want to have fun

;shopping
;suntanning
;high teas and ice cream
;lunches and dinners
;karaoke-ing
;clubbing and pubbing
;piano lessons
;community service
;manicures and pedis
;yoga
;university
;flying
;silly part-time jobs
;driving
;tvb dramaaas
;moovies
;more shopping

some boys take a beautiful girl
only to hide her away from the rest of the world
not me
i want to be the one in the sun

its a fcuking month and a half. i just don't want to miss out on a holiday. i don't have to do this thinking i've got time to rest after mar only to realise i fcuking don't because someone else needs me, needs me to work, needs me to go for interviews, needs me to apply for school and all that fcuked up shit. ): you're only 19 once. then you're no longer a teen. do i want to spend it writing scripts; editing; reading imdb; writing somemore; chasing editors; exporting; handling tech problems/office relations; shooting; doing misc errands shit, THINKING. i fcuking hate working. i like to be diligent. i like to be hardworking. i like to make a good impression. i like to please people and make them happy. i like to be wanted and i like to make money but I HATE WORKING ):
crap shit. ):

what do i do to make you want me
what do i got to do to be heard
what do i do say when it's all over
sorry seems to be the hardest word

i'm sorry; i'm giving up

O DISCO STICK the broken clock is a comfort,
it helps me sleep tonight
maybe it can stop tomorrow
from stealing all my time

i've taken to talking to myself. but anyhows, i think i see things clearer that way; as strange a habit as it seems.
its been so long since i've written in here (not counting yesterday obviously) that i really don't know where to start or what to say, its all really disorganised.

but lets just start with work;
S ends work on wednesday, thats in TWO days time and honestly i'm already grappling at the loss! the month seems so long as it is, with her gone; i can't begin to imagine how dull work's gna be ): i know i should be passionate about this and i'm disappointed that my fire died out so quick but i know i can refuel and i'm gna save it from grazing to the ground. i have to! my grades are at stake and i want to do so well so badly ): but yeah yeah yeah. i'm scripting again; tomorrow's promo day and shoot day! and i don't know why but the bossman seems grumpy which really disheartens me but MUST. KEEP. SWIMMING.

oh golly. its really the thoughts of wanting to be able to do this and do that that's pushing me over the edge. AND OOHHH. i think i know why i don't feel like blogging much anymore! people i dislike read this damn thing. which just upsets me. if you don't like me/you wanna talk bad about me THEN WHY BE KAYPOH and READ ABOUT IT! so you can laugh at my misery?! oh dang you bitch ):

CAN'T. LET. PEOPLE. GET. ME. DOWN. HAHAHAHAHA

i'm failing at this the grass is green on my side thing. which just leads me to session. its my last EVER. in a long long long long long long so long my tongue goes numb and it becomes a nong time that i'll ever do one again, i want to make it SO GOOD. and i honestly relate to it manzzz just gotta find the time to do it ): SOB. still got the video all AH JUST STAB ME. time don't pass me by!!!!

honestly, i should just give up sleeping la. wth la its only 10.50 but already i want to sleep. knn. I HATE MYSELF. HAHAHAHA. oh right. grass is green. i'm good. oh so good. i love myself. i'm confident. FULL. OF. CONFIDENCE.

which brings me to my worst nightmare. maybe i should stop thinking about it as that but gahhhhh. i want to talk to people about it but i know i'll regret letting so many people know so i'm trying to keep it under wraps but its pulling at me. but then again, i don't want to impose on people anyway. will they really understand? so i've taken to talking to myself. asking questions and answering like how i think either the big guy/whoever i want to talk to would i'm going insane RIGHT! wahlao eh. bloody hell bloody hell. boooo.

i've gotten quite vulgar too huh. i know its distateful but ah. i'm past judgement to the point of no return! (: im just kidding. actually yknow. something is upsetting me. i've talked to K bout it just a few days ago but i just can't help but feel our bonds weakening and us drifting so far away, so far away for far too long ):

or whatever way the lyrics go. OHHHH. POOF. i've been reading a 16 year old girl's blog and honestly, she cracks me up, gives me hope, make me WANT TO BE HER FRIEND. HHAHAHAHA its insane. i practically hate her. yet love her. i'm so ironic. OMGAHH. but yeah, there're lotsa cool people around these days i've just come to realise and i'm just gonna keep telling myself, i'm WAYYYY cooler than them HAHAHAHH i'm kidding. thats obviously not what i think. i just get all insecure and jealous like a petty loserrr. i'm kidding too.
o
oh boy, the time's getting to me, it seems! (: anywayyy. 2009 was a rollercoaster ride. lots new beginnings, lots of endings, lots of change, lots of happyness, lots of sadness; here's a quick list! in random order (:
there was, presidency, final year of poly - print journ (the horror), tv journ (the horror), acting (the horror!), internship, loss of friendship and the mending of some, samantha, worst nightmare, chemicalX, my 'break up', retarded quarrels, singapore flyer, armyyyy, money woes, jb trip with bffs, manicures and BLING! dancing, booze and partying! WOOTS. okay right getting carried away. idk. i feel old. THIS YEAR. I. FEEL. OLD.

blooody hell. i'm going to be TWENTTYYYYY. right after everybody (hah! suckers) but still 20 nonetheless. am i finally ready to grow up? because if you ask me, in 2010, this baby's gonna grow up whether she likes it or not. aww mann.

auld lang syne young child and hello gorgeous mama. (:

i thinking; breast implants, permanent hair removal, lasik and eyelash+hair extensions, ythink? HAHAHAHAH.

I. MUST. STOP. BULLSHITTING.

basically, i'm just glad to be back. im thinking, more life, more spice, more pictures? i need friends. but i don't think friends want me. CRIES. oooooooh i need curly fries and i know they want me. whoo come to mama. till tomorrow. i've a feeling i'll be back.

LOVE IS happy 2010!

really? ): idk. it just seems strange that i always manage to screw things up. things that mean much to me and makes me happy esp. SIGH. ANYWAYS. the year ended with too much christmas booze and too little new year fun, sleepovers, shop shop shopping, demands, food and more food, sky high spending and idk - alot of missing happyness, somewhere somehow. ):

this seems a little late but i had an awesome birthday. <3 oh wait, now that i think about it, mass was horrible, and clubbing was fun albeit a little weird. plus even though christmas dinner was the BOMB, i almost died from the alcohol overdose. HAHHAHA. now this seems like the classic example of how, i always look on the bad side of things - THIS SHOULD BE MY 2010 REALIZATION: to look on the brighter side of things.

who am i kidding. i feel like going on; but i know i'm a horrible person and its gonna take me a harsh and cruel lesson to learn how to be a better person. someone should stab me. where do i go, all alone ):

i have to remember: it'll only be a good new year if i want it to be one and MAKE IT ONE. please forgive me.

TAKE ME AWAY how do you say you need strength in(with) so little words?

its always darkest before dawn and with that i'll move on with hope, i hope ):

I'M SCARED its been so long i've almost forgotten how this is done.
and in actuality, this page haunts me with bad memories and puts me off entirely SIGH but sometimes when you need an outlet and there seems to be no where else to run i don't know - you aint got much of a choice huh

the weeks go by, slowly but surely and i feel exhausted. like i can't go on any longer. i feel people whizzing by, i feel left behind. and strangely even the people closest to me seems oh so far away. life is ironic, puzzling, one huge mess if you ask me. i find myself losing faith in certain things but gaining faith of which i'm not even sure if its real in others. i wished giving up was as easy as raising your hands up in the air, digging yourself a hole and crawling in there to lay forever and beyond.

sometimes. i guess i understand why its so hard being normal, being happy. sometimes. i guess i understand why its so hard for people to believe in me because i believe not in myself. i don't know what's real. i don't know what everything's for. i don't know where i'm headed. and i don't know above all, what i really want.

church is picking up, and in the strangest places i find hope. family has been a constant, a buoy when the seas get rocky and stormy, scarier than before, more than i can handle. work is a rollercoaster. sometimes it seems to give you a gratifying high and sometimes it throws you into the depths of uncertainy, dismay and demoralisation.

friends and affairs of the heart; i wouldn't even go there. sometimes it really feels like all is lost, sometimes it really feels like there's no point going on. sometimes it feels like being alone isnt all that bad. sometimes, i wished i knew what was going on in my head! grrr.

i feel stuck, and all i need is a saving hand and truckloads of patience and tender loving care.

i wanna go home ): but strangely these days; i'm not sure which home i'm calling for.

who moved my cheese?

HAND ME A MANUAL to say yesterday was the worst day of my life would be an understatement ):

like seriouslyy! SOB. just imagine, on a day you're to look your best you feel downright ugly and because you're running behind time that just makes you feel like crapshit; you race out after having a showdown with a particular someone who shot your day to hell whilst the skies are dark and you think 'i'm going to take a cab anyways, so i won't be caught in the rain, no worrieszzx, things are going to get better, you'll see' but then! for FIFTEEN MINUTES! and mind you you're late, THREE #%()$!(%)!( people STEAL your cab from RIGHT UNDER your nose and zip away whilst you're left standing by the sidelines looking and feeling like a loser muttering bad words under your breath. and before you know you SWOOOOSH its raining! and you've to take out your brolly. and BWAHA. your brolly STINKS! ): so on the verge of insanity - possibly tears (: you accidentally press a button and SPISHHH! your umbrella closes right above you and you're wet. $#)^(@)()!%! so you hold on to the tears that are threatening to fall now only there is still no cab and you can't figure out how to get the smelly umbrella open again. so you run to shelter, defeated with stupiddd tears falling down your stupid face. AND THEN! just when you need some advice someone to talk to, nobody picks up your damn call -.- like seriouslyyyy. if you think it couldn't get any worse, just when you've decided to venture out in the rain again - whilst attempting to close your blooody smelly umbrella (AND OH FOOK, i just realised i left my new hot pink umbrella outside my workplace ): GAHHHH!! my mommy's gonna hate me ): i shall buy a new one for her. yes yes.)

DEEP BREATHS. so yes, whilst attempting to close your bloody smelly umbrella it shoots off your hands and lands in a stupid heap oustide the shelter under a bar in the rain. %)!($)%!()%(! RAHHH!!!!!! so stupid you, have to crawl under the bar, in your new heels and pick up the smelly mocking shit you already hate.

i don't know if its just a bad day but somehow, i find it hard to think it was JUST a bad day. it was a fooking downright disgusting ultimate worst day of my life and all i can ask myself is WHY DID IT HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME?! )))))))))))):

so. EVENTUALLY! you get into a cab but you already feel like a sodden rat with no mind or mood to go for any meeting whatsoever and so! you attempt to call your partner in crime only to not have her pick up! @$(%)#!()$! when she finally does and you ask the taxi uncle to zip you away to your next location he says he can't. like WHAAAAAAAAAAT. so you've to drag yourself in for meeting, late and broken ):

but obviously it does not end there - meeting ends late, you sacrifice any form of food you can grab to avoid being late for your next appt, jump into a cab and have to pay freaking alot of money for comfort. RAH.

and then (: AT THE DOORSTEP OF YOUR VERY NEXT APPT, DOORSTEP PEOPLE, YOUR STUPID HEEL BREAKS! LIKE FOOK FOOK FOOK TIMES A MILLION OTHER FOOKS! )): and your small blessing comes in the slippers you brought along for the night. SOB.

you message the boss of your next appt, and before your current appt can end, he calls you and gives you a scolding for being late. he's angry and you're helpless. BECAUSE ITS BECAUSE OF WORK OR WAS IT THE MEETING THAT YOU'RE IN THIS STUPID SHIT OF A DAY ANYWAYS! RAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

so anxious, you call your bosseh back after when you're done and he doesn't pick up. anxious and scared, you take out your anger on your poor mother you brought you a nice hotpink umbrella which you eventually leave at work -.- like damnit. and then, zoom zoom zoom you fly to work with a hungry tummy and a fretful anxious pumping with fear and adrenaline heart. (:

but of course, i took comfort in the fact that i had someone to cry to and listen to me. BWAHA.

so rightyyyy. you go to work, find out there's nothing MUCH to do. you eventually decide to venture out to buy lunch but you get scolded AGAIN when you come back because you're wasting time eating when you could be more productive. like what seriously.

and then, at the end of your stupid work day with your bosseh angry the whole way, it turns out he thinks you argued with him later on when questioned about why you didn't complete a simple brainless task. and so, on the ride back to your next appt! it is done in silence.

you go home, the female bosseh comes to the rescue, you talk things out, end up crying like a loser again because you're thrown a mountain load of anger ):

and then supposedly things are better, you try to make peace but its just awkward. and there goes your night! frightened of your bosseh and seeking comfort in the rest of the company. when we COULD HAVE BEEN ALL HAPPY TOGETHER ):

BAWLS. ):

i feel like i disappointed alot of people yesterday and really it was just fookable moments one after another and seriouslyyy. why why why? WHY? ): i'm just glad yesterday is over. guilty me has to admit to blaming the big guy on numerous occassions but i really did try not to.

now i'm just SIGHHHS. really tired. and all i can say is WO MING KU AH ): but its over. its over. and i still believe you love me, perhaps you were trying to teach me a lesson. well, it was a hard lesson to bear and endure. my god my god why did you forsake me? but take this cup away, if it is your will if not, let it be done unto me.

same fate my mateys. (: at least i know now i wasn't alone.

with shitdays behind me, i hope my week picks up. i'm scarred but what the hey.

now i'm only worried about tonight's plans because i seriouslyyy couldn't wake up this morning and that means i've to go mass later. but... SIGH ): come what may i guess.

please don't ever stop loving me me me ):

for better days -

HOW TWEET is it like blogger's birthday?! HAHA. there's a cake at my logo. how cute. (:

i would guess it was a good day and i really do feel like blogging. but somehow, faced with my empty screen; i feel kinda inspiration-less. SIGH.

work took some getting used to but i think i have it roughly (: HAHAHAH. i'm just really afraid about what will happen when my supervisor gets back. ): the questions what if he doesn't like me, what if i don't measure up keeps haunting me. GAHHHH. and in some ways, office life is seriouslyyyy different. but i'm really grateful for my friendly interns au pair! (: although its been but 4days, they've brought me bountiless joyyy (:

LUNCHBREAKS have become the <333 and freebies today by my dear friend too! HOHOHO.

tomorrowwww is results day. i think i'm gna feel really lousy and horrible if the current intern does REALLY REALLY well. SIGH. ): but of course i'm worried about my own damn grades. why is it when you come to year 3 suddenly your grades mean the whole damn world ):

I DON'T WANNA DIEE. SMUUUUUUUU. BAWLS. HAHA.

i've been mood swingyyy. why did you come back so soon, stupid insecurities. HAHAHAH.

GIVE ME LOVEE ANYBODY SOMEBODY EVERYBODY GIVE ME LUBBBB. ):

tomorrow it hotdog day with recess friends! i guess if i do badly i'll have something to look forward too. but all my procrastination have amounted to lotsaaaaa work. WHOOPS.

father help me ):

before i gooo though. (: i just completed a book about russia, women labour camps, true love, heroes vs blind loyalist of communism. AH. enlightening maxx. I LIKE I LIKE! (:

caterpillar in the tree, how you wonder who you'll be
can't go far but you can always dream
wish you may and wish you might
don't you worry hold on tight.
i promise you there will come a day
butterfly fly away

LIPSTICK JUNGLE

K: kuek
M: moose!
N: nicole
P: peiying
R: rebecca


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