Realiti Fantasi

Assalamualaikum

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Apa yang kita ingat dari kenangan-kenangan yang dirakam oleh kita? Nama tempat, nama permainan, nama sahabat atau kejadian adalah perkara-perkara yang mungkin lambat laun boleh terlupa. Tetapi, tidak dengan rasa. Rasa senang, rasa sedih, yang akan terus kita bawa tanpa mudah tercicir di sepanjang perjalanan kita. Dan semakin kita dewasa, kita akan menyedari bahawa di antara kenangan-kenangan tersebut ada satu rasa yang paling besar.


Senyum


Kerana ketika satu persatu cerita terhenti dan menjadi kenangan, cinta terus bergerak seiring harapan. Cinta yang tidak terlihat oleh mata, tak tersentuh oleh tangan, tapi dia ada. Namun kita belum mampu mengucapkan. Cinta yang sejati, cinta yang ketika kita kira sudah pergi, ternyata cuma bersembunyi, menunggu untuk kembali lagi. Terkadang ianya sedikit geli-geli namun ia suatu realiti bukan?


Anggaplah aku sedang berfantasi.

Friendly

Assalamualaikum

Super friends of 2005. We are separated and it was a good times.

When I was younger I always made friends easily and usually had a bunch of them. I was that person who made friends with anyone and I didn’t mind if they didn’t “fit” in with my other friends, eg. Making friends with “nerds” at school bugged the hell out of some of my “cooler” friends but it didn’t bother me that they were annoyed with it. I was pretty shy actually, but I still believed in myself enough. If I thought someone seemed nice, I would talk to them and be friends with them and that was that, other people could think what they wanted. I didn’t worry.

I suppose nowadays I’ve grown more self-conscious and cowardly. I’ll still talk to anyone just like I used to, but the difference now is that I no longer feel like this awesome, funny, great person who anyone would be happy to be friends with. Let me make it clear, for whatever reason, when I was a kid/teenager, people always liked me. I suppose it was my endless energy, naive positivity and how I would just put myself out there and not even realize I was “risking” something like, rejection or ridicule. I was very friendly and kind. And I knew people liked me, so I felt pretty good in that department.

I wasn’t scared to try and make a new friend if the opportunity presented itself. Now I’m too scared to be that friendly. I worry about rejection and embarrassment. I’ve lost that faith I had in myself that I was a fun person and a good friend. I’m not a kid anymore. I’m not naive. I know some people treat you bad. I suppose I’ve been burned a few times too many through the years. But I wish I could be that person again, that happy, funny, friendly person who wasn’t afraid. I don’t know when I started thinking I wasn’t good enough.

Plenty of people ask me if anything is wrong, but I find that none of them really want to know.

Love Letter

Assalamualaikum

You know, I’m fine with how we are right now, with just being friends - close friends. I’m contented with that. I realized that I’ve been stressing over you and where we stand exactly that I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything else. Then it just hit me that it really is no longer a question of feelings or emotions anymore. What I feel for you and what you may feel for me are no longer very relevant to me. Words and explanations are no longer necessary.

I know how you feel. You don’t even have to spell it out for me anymore. I realized that as I felt your gaze, as accurate as a heat-seeking missile, from meters away immediately rest on me as I entered the gate this afternoon. It was as if all your senses zeroed in on me as I walked in; and that was all I needed.

Lately, I’ve been so caught up in my own fears and insecurities too. I’ve been so concerned about not being good enough for you or living up to your expectations that I didn’t realize that I had already lost myself in the process. The truth is, why should I bother so much about being “good enough” for you (or for anyone else for that matter)? Why should I mind so much about living up to your expectations? What about my own expectations of myself? Then I figured that I’ve been looking at the situation from the worst possible angle.

I shouldn’t worry about you so much; I should be worrying about me or at least becoming the best me that I can possibly be. I won’t be doing it for you, I’ll be doing it for me. For how can I possibly be with you and be happy while being with you when I can’t even be happy with being with myself?

I’ve decided to fall in love with myself again. Because after I’ve done that, I just know that everything will fall into place. That’s regardless of who I fall in love with next - whether it’s you or someone else.

P/S : From Anonymous to Anonymous

Aturan

Assalamualaikum

Aku biasanya menjadi yang terkacak dikalangan ahli konspirasi. Manakah si kacak luar kacak dalam itu?

When i was in trouble, there's a friend who willing to help me in whatever situation and that's what brotherhood did and there's a case when i expressing my problem and ask for little favour, thousands of reasons given and hypocrisy face showed. I wondered why sometimes god send me people to make my day became worst, always interfered and ruin mood. Unbelievable, happen only by one word. I believe there's a person who can make me smile when I cry and that person is actually the one who makes me cry. Weird but somehow I'm not trusting people around me and that's really not a good thought. People made mistake and I never knew.

Dan paling ditakuti, ditemukan untuk dipisahkan. Di dalam kesedapan diperkenalkan dengan izin tuhan dalam sebuah komuniti misalnya dan sentiasa saling memerlukan, sesuatu tanpa jangka dengan izinnya juga seseorang perlu meninggalkan. Aku sering menyalahkan takdir tanpa sedar mencipta prejudis, berlaku diskriminasi lantas muncul penilaian kognitif. Memperbabikan keadaan sewenangnya memang mencerminkan diri ini seorang manusia khilaf. Apa yang pasti continuity perlu menjadi teras dalam kehidupan dan sentiasa diselarikan dengan iman yang sampai sekarang masih tidak pernah berlaku dalam diri aku sejujurnya.


Mungkin juga membosan apabila pembaca sering membaca tentang cinta manusia yang sememangnya membodohkan di penulisan sebelum ini dan aku memang tidak mampu berhenti terus diperbodohkan dan masih menulis. Maafkan aku atas kebodohan ini. Aku merumuskan sahaja bahawa suatu pencarian dan penantian sesuatu pasti ada hikmah dan di dalam proses pembelajaran tersebut, dipertemukan dengan kes-kes yang mematangkan. Aku sebenarnya merebutkan pengalaman dan itu semua persiapan awal seorang lelaki dalam menghadapi hari pertukaran hak penjagaan hati. Mengarut! Malu aku dibuatnya.

God will always give you the people you need. To help, hurt, leave, love and make you the person you were meant to be.

Financial

Assalamualaikum

Good times

Empat tahun yang lepas, aku memilih untuk bekerja di sebuah kedai burger. Menghabiskan setahun secara sepenuh masa iaitu 8 jam sehari dan bekerja 6 hari seminggu secara tetap. Selepas mendapat tawaran diploma setahun selepas itu, aku bekerja secara sambilan dihujung minggu untuk beberapa bulan pembelajaran sebelum disingkirkan kerana organisasi sedang menyelaraskan kesemua tenaga pakar dan tidak memerlukan lagi tenaga sambilan. Agak mengecewakan sebenarnya kerana pintu rezeki aku ditutup dan di sepanjang pembelajaran aku hanya bergantung melalui pinjaman pendidikan.


Since the last time i finished my study, i stop receiving allowance from my parent and still, I spending many things such as money, energy, time and my commitment to keep live and the financial flow now is not stable and getting decrease. Everyday, i spent money off to mamak stalls to meet up my friends and have a small talk, watching football together, plan for travel and event, futsal match, topup my phone to contact business people, dating, spending money to pampering myself dan many more. The problem is how to solve the matter of financial. The only thing I know to makes money is by making burger.


Dalam penantian menunggu keputusan peperiksaan dan menanti tarikh pengajian sarjana muda yang kemasukannya bermula empat bulan yang akan datang, rasanya terlalu lama untuk berdiam diri di rumah dan akhirnya aku kembali ke kancah pembuatan makanan dan servis secara terpaksa. Sekali lagi aku menyarung baju yang penuh kenangan dan kembali ke dapur untuk beraksi dan memberikan yang terbaik untuk syarikat dan pelanggan. Dahulunya, aku merangkul empat gelaran "Employer of the Month" dalam masa setahun. Pencapaian major tahunan dan aku antara yang terbaik pada empat tahun yang lepas.


Masa berubah. Nama semakin luntur dan identiti semakin tidak dikenali. Dan kini aku kembali sebagai seorang Orientation Junior Employer. Bekerja dan tidak lagi dipandang tinggi dan tampil dengan imej pendiam dan mematuh arahan disamping pekerja lepasan SPM yang lain. Aku mengambil keputusan untuk berdiam diri dari menceritakan siapa aku di dapur ini dan kelihatan beberapa orang pengurus yang masih mengenali aku tersenyum apabila bertentangan mata dengan aku. Setiap kali aku menyentuh setiap bucu meja membuat burger, spatula, grill, peti beku, pembakar roti dan kaunter, terbisik perkataan "welcome back" yang hanya kedengaran oleh naluri aku. Walaupun aku perasan orangnya, namun tidak berbohong dalam hal ini.

p/s: Selamat bekerja, kawan-kawan.