Mum will be admitting to SGH tml.... operation will be on monday late morning....
Its already the 3rd admission for operation in less than half a year... it all sounds so familiar...
Dr says mum will be doing mastectomy with some lymph nodes removal for testing... if all is negative then mum will not have to remove all nodes... i believe its better this way rather than to remove all....it may lead to swelling of arm and restricting movement.... mum already have her movement from right arm restricted...hopefully she still has her left arm to move freely... and of cos with negative lymph nodes means the cancer is contained to the breast only... i pray for this....
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Good Results
Good results with some uncertainty.... but overall should be good news....
Bone scan
Intensed tracer uptake seen on right 3rd and 6th ribs... may be due to post traumatic op changes (chestwall resection with removal of two ribs 2nd & 5th rib which is negative for ca) or it may be metastasis...
No abnormalities seen in the rest of the body.
CT Scan
Four new nodules seen in the left breast.... suspicious of multicentic breast ca... ultrasound or MRI suggested... But ultrasound was already done prior to the ct scan... only one lump was found with some scarring (mum have surgeries to remove benign lumps before)... I wonder is it the scarring that show up in the scan... but however the findings was done with comparison with the last CT scan done in nov last year.... if its scarring then it should have show up in the last ct scan also... but this new ct scan says its a new finding... but still the ultrasound did not mention the nodules.... is ct scan or ultrasound more accurate?
Left lung base show something but was indeterminate.... may be due to scarring....
Dr conclusion is that nothing in both scans says we shouldnt go for the operation for local treatment... so will still go ahead with the left mastectomy on monday...
So should I be happy with the results? Yes.... I should be right?
Mum was super happy.... even though still need to go for surgery.... she is not afraid... she told me this is her birthday present.... :)
I guess we have to be more short sighted... we should not look too far from now... at least there is treatment available..... mum is still a candidate for surgery means its good news... I should not think too much....
Bone scan
Intensed tracer uptake seen on right 3rd and 6th ribs... may be due to post traumatic op changes (chestwall resection with removal of two ribs 2nd & 5th rib which is negative for ca) or it may be metastasis...
No abnormalities seen in the rest of the body.
CT Scan
Four new nodules seen in the left breast.... suspicious of multicentic breast ca... ultrasound or MRI suggested... But ultrasound was already done prior to the ct scan... only one lump was found with some scarring (mum have surgeries to remove benign lumps before)... I wonder is it the scarring that show up in the scan... but however the findings was done with comparison with the last CT scan done in nov last year.... if its scarring then it should have show up in the last ct scan also... but this new ct scan says its a new finding... but still the ultrasound did not mention the nodules.... is ct scan or ultrasound more accurate?
Left lung base show something but was indeterminate.... may be due to scarring....
Dr conclusion is that nothing in both scans says we shouldnt go for the operation for local treatment... so will still go ahead with the left mastectomy on monday...
So should I be happy with the results? Yes.... I should be right?
Mum was super happy.... even though still need to go for surgery.... she is not afraid... she told me this is her birthday present.... :)
I guess we have to be more short sighted... we should not look too far from now... at least there is treatment available..... mum is still a candidate for surgery means its good news... I should not think too much....
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Eve of Results Day
Tml morning will be seeing dr at NCC for the scan results...bone and ct scans... my mum is very worried...so am I...
As usual... the time before results is hard to get by... thou u wish the day will not come...but still u want to know the results asap... the thing will always at the back of your mind no matter what you are doing... you know it wont help anything....but you just cant help to be bothered by it...
Went to bugis temple this afternoon to pray... the only thing I can do to make myself feel better... hubby suggested to go tml morning with my mum before the appt... and I just called mum.... she sounded worried and sian... understandable... the call has affected me in every way.... it adds to my emotions... I hope we will get good news tml... it will be the best birthday present for my mum.... thursday is my mum 54th birthday...
Had a talk with hubby just now on my mum condition.... we both cried... I feel consoled with him around... he says he is going with us tml for the appt... he cancelled his debriefing for his reservist... I appreciated it... at least there is someone to give me support... as Im always the only one with my mum for almost every dr's appt...
The last ct scan mum did was last year.... she done it before her last chemo starts... ct scan... followed by chemo... followed by chestwall resection op.... I hope this ct scan and bone scan is negative for metastasis... really really hope....
As usual... the time before results is hard to get by... thou u wish the day will not come...but still u want to know the results asap... the thing will always at the back of your mind no matter what you are doing... you know it wont help anything....but you just cant help to be bothered by it...
Went to bugis temple this afternoon to pray... the only thing I can do to make myself feel better... hubby suggested to go tml morning with my mum before the appt... and I just called mum.... she sounded worried and sian... understandable... the call has affected me in every way.... it adds to my emotions... I hope we will get good news tml... it will be the best birthday present for my mum.... thursday is my mum 54th birthday...
Had a talk with hubby just now on my mum condition.... we both cried... I feel consoled with him around... he says he is going with us tml for the appt... he cancelled his debriefing for his reservist... I appreciated it... at least there is someone to give me support... as Im always the only one with my mum for almost every dr's appt...
The last ct scan mum did was last year.... she done it before her last chemo starts... ct scan... followed by chemo... followed by chestwall resection op.... I hope this ct scan and bone scan is negative for metastasis... really really hope....
Friday, August 15, 2008
My feelings
I told my husband yesterday night when he called.... didnt plan to tell him before his reservist end...but probably becos he can sensed something from my voice... so he asked... and I told him... I cried badly when I was telling him... but I felt much better after letting it out...
I'm trying not to think too much for now... thinking too much emotionally will eat into my life... it wont help anything anyway... Trying to focus more on reality.... focusing more on the things to do rather than asking myself the why question.... why my mum.... why us... why does she need to go through so much... why so many recurrences... the list goes on and on....
My mum is never afraid of surgeries... of course she did grumble here and there but she is brave in face of surgeries... My mum told me once...she is not afraid to die... she is afraid of the pain associated with dying... she cant bear to leave us... the thought of not able to be with us...to see us... makes her reluctant to go... Im sure all cancer patients will have these thoughts...
Losing breasts for woman is already a very emotional issue.... especially for one that has already lost one.... I know my mum feels sad when she see herself with one breast gone... what is left is a big wound...a circle of tissue from her belly covering the area where her right breast is used to be... she did not switch on lights at night when she bathe... probably becos she does not want to see too clearly... now she needs to go thru another mastectomy very soon.... most likely the op will be on 25th this month.... Its so ironic.... my mum birthday falls on the 21st next week... going to see Dr for her scan results on 20th next wed... Hoping God will pity her and let her best birthday present..... let her have clear scan results.... no spread... please....
My mum is going malacca this sunday with my dad... she says she wants to go away even for one night before getting her results... I totally agree... she needs to be away for a while after all these negative news... She did not tell her sisters about this new cancer... I know why.... she does not want to bother people with this sad news... she does not want to hear herself telling people she has cancer again.... dread explaining to people why this has happen... she do not have a answer for them anyway... I know people will say..... huh...cancer again? need for surgery again? why like that?? What can we say.... This is the same reason why I didnt tell anyone.... I hate hearing myself saying my mum has cancer again... I hate to see their sympathetic face... I hate to see them not knowing what to say..... I know its not their fault... I know they are just trying to show concern.... but I just cant help it... why tell people when they cant help u...
All the long Im not that kind of person who is very expressive on the things happening to me... I seldom tell people what is going on in my life.... I love to hear friends telling my their stories... their joyful events...their sad quarrels... but I usually dont share my stories...not becos I do not want to....its just not me.... I always feel people do not have to waste time to hear your stories....neither do they have to hear your sad stories... why bother them with stories that do not concern them.... so I guess having this blog is a excellent way for me to pour things out... rather than bottling inside me.... Im grateful for Molly who suggested this blog... even till today I still check on her blog for any updates almost everyday.... I wonder did she passed on peacefully without pain.... I hope she did... I miss her... I miss her fighting spirits... I wonder how is her husband coping now... he seldom update the blog as he mentioned he is busy with his work... I hope he is coping well...
I know time is the best medicine to fade the pain of losing a loved one... nothing a person can say to console you can take the pain away.... only time can slowly slowly fade off the pain....it may not be able to take away the pain completely but it definitely help in reducing it as each day passes by.... why am i saying this....I have no idea also... but this is something I strongly believe in....
I'm trying not to think too much for now... thinking too much emotionally will eat into my life... it wont help anything anyway... Trying to focus more on reality.... focusing more on the things to do rather than asking myself the why question.... why my mum.... why us... why does she need to go through so much... why so many recurrences... the list goes on and on....
My mum is never afraid of surgeries... of course she did grumble here and there but she is brave in face of surgeries... My mum told me once...she is not afraid to die... she is afraid of the pain associated with dying... she cant bear to leave us... the thought of not able to be with us...to see us... makes her reluctant to go... Im sure all cancer patients will have these thoughts...
Losing breasts for woman is already a very emotional issue.... especially for one that has already lost one.... I know my mum feels sad when she see herself with one breast gone... what is left is a big wound...a circle of tissue from her belly covering the area where her right breast is used to be... she did not switch on lights at night when she bathe... probably becos she does not want to see too clearly... now she needs to go thru another mastectomy very soon.... most likely the op will be on 25th this month.... Its so ironic.... my mum birthday falls on the 21st next week... going to see Dr for her scan results on 20th next wed... Hoping God will pity her and let her best birthday present..... let her have clear scan results.... no spread... please....
My mum is going malacca this sunday with my dad... she says she wants to go away even for one night before getting her results... I totally agree... she needs to be away for a while after all these negative news... She did not tell her sisters about this new cancer... I know why.... she does not want to bother people with this sad news... she does not want to hear herself telling people she has cancer again.... dread explaining to people why this has happen... she do not have a answer for them anyway... I know people will say..... huh...cancer again? need for surgery again? why like that?? What can we say.... This is the same reason why I didnt tell anyone.... I hate hearing myself saying my mum has cancer again... I hate to see their sympathetic face... I hate to see them not knowing what to say..... I know its not their fault... I know they are just trying to show concern.... but I just cant help it... why tell people when they cant help u...
All the long Im not that kind of person who is very expressive on the things happening to me... I seldom tell people what is going on in my life.... I love to hear friends telling my their stories... their joyful events...their sad quarrels... but I usually dont share my stories...not becos I do not want to....its just not me.... I always feel people do not have to waste time to hear your stories....neither do they have to hear your sad stories... why bother them with stories that do not concern them.... so I guess having this blog is a excellent way for me to pour things out... rather than bottling inside me.... Im grateful for Molly who suggested this blog... even till today I still check on her blog for any updates almost everyday.... I wonder did she passed on peacefully without pain.... I hope she did... I miss her... I miss her fighting spirits... I wonder how is her husband coping now... he seldom update the blog as he mentioned he is busy with his work... I hope he is coping well...
I know time is the best medicine to fade the pain of losing a loved one... nothing a person can say to console you can take the pain away.... only time can slowly slowly fade off the pain....it may not be able to take away the pain completely but it definitely help in reducing it as each day passes by.... why am i saying this....I have no idea also... but this is something I strongly believe in....
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Cancer Again
Its cancer again for the 3rd time... now its on the other side of the breast. What are the odds to have both breast affected by cancer??
Mum cried alot today after the results... never see her cry so many times before despite having so many recurrences. I know she must have felt so disappointed and helpless.....hopeless maybe.... just did 2 ops less than a few months back... going to have another mastectomy very soon..... can anyone know how it feels??
After the results... mum went for bone scan.... CT scan on this sat... (all these by routine after cancer was found)...mum is very worried abt these scan results...she has been feeling aches on her arm for a long time since the last op... she is worried that it has spread to her bones....but I assured her that its unlikely bone spread will be on arms... I believe its a post op effect.... I hope im right...
I cried for the very first time in front of my mum....in front of the dr.... I could no longer hold back my tears... How much more do my mum has to suffer before she can finally enjoy her life without all these worries and have her health back.... What has happened can no longer be undone... I only hope the scan results are all negative... there is no spread.... going for the mastectomy will solve the problem... dr says the lump is small....i think its abt 1cm... its still hopeful...
Mum told me today that she is not worried abt death.... she is more scared of the pain associated with bone spread... she told me that she knows bone cancer is very painful... she hope if one day she needs to go... it will be painless... she is very afraid of the slow painful death.... I know what she means.... I really pray she do not have to go thru all these... really...
I feel so sad.... really very sad.... I guess no one can feel what I feel.... I couldnt imagine life without my mum... I know one day she has to go... but the thought of it make me shudder... with 3 new breast cancer....with recurrences.... I do not know what are her odds of beating it... can my mum really be cured? If the scans show no spread.... and she went for the mastectomy... she can be cured? I guess no one can really answer me....no one knows for sure...
Seeing my mum troubled with this new information.... I feel so helpless... there is nothing I can do or say to make the pain go away... I can only console her...telling her not to think too much... treat each day as it comes... there is nothing more I can say... I need people to console me too... I do not want to tell my friends...I do not want to bother them with the unhappy news... they cant help me anyway.... my husband is not around...(went for reservist)... I did not tell him...yet.... dont want him to be bothered with the news... will only tell him when he is back next week... I hope they are people out there with two mastectomies can tell me how they have survive from it... I need encouraging testimonies....
Mum cried alot today after the results... never see her cry so many times before despite having so many recurrences. I know she must have felt so disappointed and helpless.....hopeless maybe.... just did 2 ops less than a few months back... going to have another mastectomy very soon..... can anyone know how it feels??
After the results... mum went for bone scan.... CT scan on this sat... (all these by routine after cancer was found)...mum is very worried abt these scan results...she has been feeling aches on her arm for a long time since the last op... she is worried that it has spread to her bones....but I assured her that its unlikely bone spread will be on arms... I believe its a post op effect.... I hope im right...
I cried for the very first time in front of my mum....in front of the dr.... I could no longer hold back my tears... How much more do my mum has to suffer before she can finally enjoy her life without all these worries and have her health back.... What has happened can no longer be undone... I only hope the scan results are all negative... there is no spread.... going for the mastectomy will solve the problem... dr says the lump is small....i think its abt 1cm... its still hopeful...
Mum told me today that she is not worried abt death.... she is more scared of the pain associated with bone spread... she told me that she knows bone cancer is very painful... she hope if one day she needs to go... it will be painless... she is very afraid of the slow painful death.... I know what she means.... I really pray she do not have to go thru all these... really...
I feel so sad.... really very sad.... I guess no one can feel what I feel.... I couldnt imagine life without my mum... I know one day she has to go... but the thought of it make me shudder... with 3 new breast cancer....with recurrences.... I do not know what are her odds of beating it... can my mum really be cured? If the scans show no spread.... and she went for the mastectomy... she can be cured? I guess no one can really answer me....no one knows for sure...
Seeing my mum troubled with this new information.... I feel so helpless... there is nothing I can do or say to make the pain go away... I can only console her...telling her not to think too much... treat each day as it comes... there is nothing more I can say... I need people to console me too... I do not want to tell my friends...I do not want to bother them with the unhappy news... they cant help me anyway.... my husband is not around...(went for reservist)... I did not tell him...yet.... dont want him to be bothered with the news... will only tell him when he is back next week... I hope they are people out there with two mastectomies can tell me how they have survive from it... I need encouraging testimonies....
Monday, August 4, 2008
Therapy Session
Went with my mum for her therapy session at SGH... as my mum has went thru quite alot of surgeries... her arm movement is kind of restricted... not as mobile as before...esp after the last op... she constantly feels pain and numbness which affected her sleep... the therapist says that its likely her nerves are affected... no medicine can help...needs a long time to let the nerves recover by itself... she cant even go for tui na or massage... and no heat pad allow on her arm... even taking pain killer also no help since its the nerve problem not muscle strain....there is no form of relieve...
And she cant life up her arm like normal people do... its quite common for those who has their lymph nodes removed... the therapist uses a machine to help my mum stretch her arm... cos if she dun practice enough, her bone will harden and its irreversible... sigh..
Next tue will be seeing Dr Koong....to get her biopsy results... this thing has been on my mind... I do not know whether how will I react if the results come out to be no good... its quite straining on me... I once read that "One's happiness are dependable greatly on One's parents' health".... I cant agree more.... I really envy those parents that are healthy and has great social life.... I feel their children are fortunate to have healthy and sociable parents... at least their children can lead their own life...without having to worry whether their parents are lonely not....no need to worry and stress over their health... I believe those in my spot can understand....
My mum has been fighting this horrible monster for nearly 8 years.... it has been affecting me that long... when a family member struck down with cancer...not only the patient has to suffer....even the loved ones will be affected... esp for the caregivers... their personal life will no longer be the same.... alot of time are allocated for drs appt.... for scans....for therapies....the list goes on and on...
And she cant life up her arm like normal people do... its quite common for those who has their lymph nodes removed... the therapist uses a machine to help my mum stretch her arm... cos if she dun practice enough, her bone will harden and its irreversible... sigh..
Next tue will be seeing Dr Koong....to get her biopsy results... this thing has been on my mind... I do not know whether how will I react if the results come out to be no good... its quite straining on me... I once read that "One's happiness are dependable greatly on One's parents' health".... I cant agree more.... I really envy those parents that are healthy and has great social life.... I feel their children are fortunate to have healthy and sociable parents... at least their children can lead their own life...without having to worry whether their parents are lonely not....no need to worry and stress over their health... I believe those in my spot can understand....
My mum has been fighting this horrible monster for nearly 8 years.... it has been affecting me that long... when a family member struck down with cancer...not only the patient has to suffer....even the loved ones will be affected... esp for the caregivers... their personal life will no longer be the same.... alot of time are allocated for drs appt.... for scans....for therapies....the list goes on and on...
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