Freedom vs Commitment

It is not even mid December, and we are planning for the upcoming summer interns, and I am already panicking about how I am supposed to supervise six of them together this time!   We have six months to go, and I think I do not have enough time to define their projects, find them lab space, ....  Something is wrong in this bureaucratic system, or maybe perfectly fine.  Everything is accounted for and taken care of in advance.  Maybe it is just time's fault flying so fast, wrapping winters and summers around each other so quickly.  Can you imagine how hard it is for me to adjust from this world of rules and plans to the one that is not sure what time one would meet for dinner on a daily basis!?  It drives me crazy, pulls me to two opposite directions, and it never gets old.  Extreme rigidity and extreme flexibility do not mesh well together.  Not for me at least, and I am afraid my nature always leans towards the rigid planned world.  Even though commitment phobia people think planning steals their freedom, ties them to a certain plan and place for a certain time,  I find it liberating.  If I know when exactly I am doing a certain task, say 3-5 pm on Wednesday, it means I can do anything else the rest of the time.  If I do not know it, that 2-hour task is floating all over my thoughts and schedule, assigning a probability to every time slot, claiming them all and none, distracting me from focusing on other tasks.  I am happier, more productive, and energetic if I know what I am doing when, but that is just me.

Talk, Ask!

It is never too early to start talking.

There is no such thing as too much communication.

Just as you think you might be bothering your teammate, colleague, or partner, going over all the details of a task, how to go about it, when to get it done, what the mutual expectations are,..., just as you think you are mastering the task and handling it very well, there comes the surprise, some fact you did not know about, because you just never asked about it and they just never talked about it.

انگيزه

اگر فقط به خاطر اين كامنت هم شده، راديو كالج پارك رو بايد سر پا نگه داشت.  اينكه شنونده اى در ايران داره كه فقط براى شنيدن اين پادكست اينترنت رو ميخواهد.
"
سلام و صبح بخیر. من دیشب با این رادیو آشنا شدم وحالااینترنت را فقط برای شنیدن برنامه این رادیو میخواهم. البته پسرم میخواهد با افکار بچه گانه اش دراین رادیو برنامه های سن وسال خودش را گوش کند ولی من نمی گذارم و دنبالش میدوم واو هم فرار میکند.
"

شما هم گوش بديد :-)

Firemen

The next time your smoke detector starts beeping insanely,
Not because it needs new batteries,
In fact it is wired and works with electricity,
But because it so old that is has gone crazy,
And you need to remove it and install a new one
Correctly and safely,
Instead of dreading to call your brother, uncle, boyfriend, or neighbor for help,
Or trying to figure it out yourself if you are not an electrical engineer,
Call your local fire department.

In no time,
Three tall handsome men are at your door at your service at no charge with pleasure.
They remove the old one, install a new one, check all other ones, and drive back in their big truck.
You feel safe,
Have to never hear brags about it from anyone,
And you have used your tax dollars wisely!
It does not hurt seeing some good looking tall strong guys either, does it?

Checks and balances

As inefficient and frustrating government bureaucracy is, I believe government regulations and oversight on many tasks and projects are needed.  I have found a newly gained respect for it which makes me go through all bureaucratic hassles on a daily basis.  Without checks and balances, it is amazing what people are capable of doing!

Publication etiquette! (or maybe My Life as a Female Engineer 3?!)

Ok, I need some sanity check. Sometimes somethings are such primitive and obvious rules of behavior to me that I get so upset if they are violated, and more if it is perceived that I am over reacting and everyone is cool about it. So, I need your sanity check and point of view.

I have a collaborator. He has been working on a paper based on the work he did when he was a visiting scientist at my institution. He had shown me a draft. I had provided feedback, requests for revisions, more input, and even asked for more experiments and results. He thanked me. Said he will work on them and will keep me posted.

Couple of months pass. He sends me a draft for a different paper for my feedback. It reminds me of the first paper. I ask him about its status. He informs me he has submitted it to a journal and is waiting to hear back the response.

He never sent me the version he submitted with my name on it. I do not even know where something with my name is submitted to. He is a professor and is supposed to teach publication etiquette and culture to his students not to violate them for God's sake! I get upset, very upset. I am trying to draft an email to him as polite as possible and am afraid that I may upset him, and I get upset at myself for feeling this way too. I get even more upset because he had a history of submitting a poor paper to a conference without my knowledge in the past. In that case, I worked long hours before his presentation trying to make it a reasonable version, not to mention getting approval for its publication and release from my employer, and being reprimanded by higher management for my delay and not following rules. I saved the paper before publication and presentation and what happened? He missed his flight, arrived late to his presentation, and the paper was withdrawn. I was happy it was!

Now, this time, he thinks he had done all he had to do by showing me a draft and asking for feedback. Yet, I do not know which journal he sent the paper to, when, and I did not see the final version, and he is using, I would not say my name, I am not such a big shot, but my affiliation. Am I over reacting? How would you handle this guy? He probably even thinks he is doing me a favor, writing papers and including me. How can he feel so comfortable to walk over me? Is he like this with everyone, the result of him being clumsy and easy going, or is it because I am a young female professional who is not being taken seriously?

Growth

You will either step forward into growth
or you will step back into safety.

Abraham Maslow

Sandra

After few days of being in the holiday mode with friends and family all the time, I just got a chance to check my home phone messages. There was one from a young lady assuming to reach an institution. She left her name, number saying she was calling with regard to receiving some information for elderly care. It was a wrong number of course. She had mentioned she had called before and no one followed up. Thinking that she has an old person to take care of and is desperate, I wanted to call her back letting her know she had the wrong number. The interesting part was that the first 7 out of 10 digits that she had left matched my own number. So I assumed she by habit must have dialed the same state and local codes, or maybe the lines in the neighborhood crossed like old times; who knows?

I dialed the number she had left. An old man picks up. "May I talk to Ms. Sandra?", I ask. "Who?" he asks back firmly. "Sandra!", I try again. "No, you have the wrong number", he responds. "Oh, ..ok", I was kind of disappointed and getting ready to hang up. "Sandra?! you want to talk to Sandra?" all of a sudden he said quickly. "Yes, yes", "you want her VA number, she is not here." he said. "May I have that number please?". I can give you her last name and you can ask the operator. "Oh, ok thanks". I wrote the last name.

I could not locate her in the white pages. There is an old man alone in one of the units in my neighborhood. A man whose daughter or granddaughter visited him sometime this holiday, just to find him in desperate need of some elderly care that she cannot provide. She tried to do something and dialed a wrong number, and she left the number of where the old man lives not her own number. He is all alone and it takes him a while to remember who Sandra is.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I love this holiday, all its beautiful fall colors, and looking for excuses to be thankful for. Every year I pause and think of what blessings I am grateful for. Always, top on my list is just the fact that I am alive, and that I survived so many things. Mostly, I evaluate my relationships. Every year there are some new ones that have formed, and some that have faded away over time. This past year have been wonderful. I have strengthen my past relationships with close friends and I have formed some wonderful new bonds. I have been blessed for getting to know Dr. Amercian Lady, the mission scientist I have been working with for the past few months. A wonderful lady full of curiosity, questions, passion, energy. One who has retired as a professor and has joined our center so that she does not get bored and keep working on her research. God, I think she works more than me at her retirement! She searches for stories of the birth and evolution of our solar system, be it by looking at Vesta or by going to and living in Antarctica and Sudan to find geological evidence and parts of asteroids that had hit Earth billions of years ago. And she did! She found meteorological parts of new kinds too, a new discovery. She did not give up her life either. She has two grown successful kids and a loving husband. Just looking at her, laughing hard at meetings, the joy and love she spreads, every minute being close to her, makes me be thankful for being in the same room. For whatever chain of events that made this possible.

Then, there is one of my old professors. From the first day I entered her office after I had received my admission to grad school to ask for some advice, on a rainy nasty day that I got lost in A. V. Williams and was late to her meeting, to all the years of my studies and her having served on my committee, and now being my best collaborator, mentor, and teacher as always. She seems tough and serious to most. To me she is a treasure with the warmest kindest heart. Seeing how hard it is to form new collaborations, even when formal official proposals and letters of commitments are written, and the work never happens, I am so grateful for her still editing my writings, giving me advice, and always being there for me, even though she does not have to.

Finally, there is a newly formed relationship that is growing. I do not know what it will become or will be, but like a newly blossomed flower in Spring, it is beautiful. Of course, I am also thankful for Turkey on Turkey day! :-)

It is a Battlefield!

I wish for a day when I do not have to fight any battles to get simple ordinary tasks done. For a day that we do not have to do repeated exhausting time-consuming paper work for the simplest things. It is half an hour before noon, before a long weekend, and I have already fought a lot. I am tired, and it takes a lot to make me tired!

Writer's block of its own kind

I have been struggling to finish a paper. Not because it is hard, not because I need more analysis, better results, or some theorem to be proved. No! I have all the information and content ready. In fact, I have more than what is needed for a casual conference paper. I just had to put them all together, narrate the story, and make it sound coherent. Initially I was aiming for a November 14 deadline. I was working full speed. Then as I approached the deadline, I learned that November 14 deadline was for abstract submissions and I in fact have till December 19 to finish the paper. I was relieved. Maybe that has slowed me down. But it does not change the fact that I need to ask for comments from my colleagues and coauthors. Considering that I am working with scientists of a different field for the first time, it may take a while to converge to a final version. So it is important to finish it soon. I only have to finalize 2 subsections (5.2, 5.3) of a paper with 6 sections total. Why I do not seem to be able to finish it? I had never experienced such a long writer's block, if that is what I should call it. I do not know what it is, or what is going on. I better put my act together, especially that I initiated this all myself and convinced others to support me!

My Life as a Female Engineer 2

Dr. Chinese Guy received his PhD in astronomy in 2005. He was the student of the mission scientist, Dr. American Lady, that I am currently collaborating with. I received my PhD in computer science in 2007 from the same school he is a researcher at now. There is a new task requiring some computational algorithms that he needs support with. So, our Dr. American Lady naturally thought I could help. In his introductory email to the rest of the team, he says Dr. American Lady and "her student" (referring to me), will work on such and such. An innocent mistake, while making a wrong assumption. After 10 years of experience and more than 4 years of having a PhD, he automatically assumes I am a student. Why? I do not know. We let it go.

We have a first face-to-face meeting. Dr. American Lady introduces me, and asks me to refresh her memory how many years I have been working at the center. I have a feeling she wants to clear the confusion and I was thankful for that. I tell them 10 years! Even she was surprised. She was assuming maybe 5 years. I thought good! Done; moving on.

Today, Dr. Chinese Guy sends an email to west coast collaborators asking for data sets. He again says Dr. American Lady and her student will do such and such!! Dr. American Lady replies all, mentioning my degree and years of experience.

Would any guy experience this with a PhD and 10 years of experience, and if so, will they let it go so kindly? Or is it the case that everyone around those guys has to walk on their tip-toes, making sure they do not forget their "Dr. " titles, and yes sirs?!

Truely naked!

"True intimacy is achieved when you feel safe enough to be emotionally naked with your partner. You know your partner will not try to talk you out of your authentic feelings, will not say you’re “over-reacting”, will not try to fix it, and will not ignore you. You know you will be supported and validated no matter what you’re feeling and sharing, verbally or otherwise. You know you will receive empathy. This is love, pure and simple…" *

Have you ever been emotionally naked? Feeling so safe not to be afraid of sharing your fears, your weaknesses, and your tears? Letting someone see your true naked emotional self? It is scary, very scary. But if, if and only if, the response is acceptance of you as you are, without trying to change you, fix you, or erase you, oh how sweet and rewarding that painful experience would become. If, and only if,.....have you ever dared? What was the outcome in your experience? Would you do it again, or never again? But is there any other way to true intimacy?


* http://psychscribe.wordpress.com/2009/05/01/relationships-true-intimacy/

Sun

Solar Swift observed by NASA's Solar Dynamic Observatory (SDO), Nov. 14-15, 2011.

Yes, you are right,
What is moon without the Sun,
Would it shine at night?
Would it be as glorious and mysterious?

Yes, my sunshine.
How could I call your beautiful Sun the burning hell.
Yes, my sunshine.
I show some respect.
For the source of life,
For you, my sunshine.

Keep smiling :-)

As soon as you open the door,
And I see your smile,
Everything fades away,
Every thought goes away.

On enjoying existence

"When man's nature functions soundly as a whole, when he feels that the world of which he is part of is a huge, beautiful, admirable and worthy whole, when this harmony gives him pure and uninhibited delight, then the universe, if it were capable of emotion, would rejoice at having reached its goal and admire the crowning glory of its own evolution. for, what purpose would those countless suns and planets and moons serve, those stars and milky ways, comets and nebulae, those created and evolving worlds, if a happy human being did not ultimately emerge to enjoy existence?"

Goethe, Essays on art..

Weaning

I learned today from a mother going through the weaning process for her child that one approach to do so is called "Do not offer it, do not refuse it". I could not help thinking how the same method could be applied to other situations, when dealing with grown ups and their inner child.

What were you thinking?

And one day, she the logical one, learned a lesson; that if one day she wanted to yell at someone what the hell were you thinking?, the answer might be as simply as I trusted him/her!

كباب

فكر ميكند سنش زياد است، خيلى زياد، حتى يك موقع هايى نگران ميشود كه نكند انقدر پا به سن گذاشته كه دچار بحران ميانسالگان شده باشد. اما نميداند كه وقتى با عجله مياد تو آشپزخونه كه ببينه شام چيه و با ذوق و كمى خجالت يواش ميپرسد "كباب درست كردى؟"، صورتش عين يك پسر بچه كوچك است، كه اگر همون موقع بهش كباب ندى، ممكنه گريه كنه.

يكى هست، يكى ديگه هم هست!

يكى هست چون ميدونه شما چايى دوست داريد، از روى احترام و رعايت حال شما، با شما چايى ميخوره، يا صبر ميكنه شما چايى تون رو بخوريد. يكى هم هست كه معنى چايى رو ميفهمه، خودش عاشق چايى هست، به قداست و ارزش چايى ايمان داره، و كيف ميكنه كه باشما چاى بنوشه.

يكى هست از روى احترام به شما و رعايت حال شما كفشش رو دم در در مياره، اما خودش ممكنه پا برهنه رو آسفالت هم راه بره يا با كفشش تو اتاق خواب و رو تختش بره، يكى هم هست مثل شما با همه وجودش جرم ها و ميكروبها رو ميبينه.

يكى هست از روى ادب به داستانها و علايق شما و آرزوهاتون گوش ميده، يكى هم هست كه واقعا با همه وجود ميخواد اونها رو بشنوه، و تا ميتونه سعى كنه شما هم به آرزوها و خواسته هاتون برسيد.

يكى هست از روى احترام به شما و رعايت حال شما، نميخواهد مانع شادى و خوشبختيتون بشه و ميذاره شما علايقتون رو دنبال كنيد، يكى هم هست كه غير از شادى و خوشحالى شما چيز ديگرى رو اصلا نميتونه بپذيره.

يكى هست سعى ميكنه اونى باشه كه شما دوست داريد، يكى هست واقعا اونى هست كه شما دوست داريد.

Sharing happiness

I never understand it when people have some good news and they keep it to themselves and not share it. Do not you want to celebrate and share your happiness with your loved ones if not with the whole world? How can one be happy if happiness is not shared? Or is it that they are not really happy, even though the news seems good?

Choices choices choices.

These days I am appreciating the power of having choices and making decisions more and more in my life. I have realized that it has not always been the case that things that I said yes to greatly affected my life, but also things that I said no to. Looking back at the past few months, and even past few years, had I made those choices that presented themselves to me in beautiful packages, those that were very hard to resist and say no to, my life would have been very different. I would not have been truly myself. I would not have any room left in my life to say yes to those things that I cared about, that I loved, that I enjoyed. I would not have the opportunity to say yes to my hopes and dreams when the opportunity presented itself. I would not have been able to enjoy the company of the ones who I love had I chosen to spend my time with those I do not admire much. I am happy not just for the choices that I made, but also for those that I did not despite circumstances and everyone trying to convince me otherwise. I know, there is an irony, not doing something is making a choice too. We always have a choice, and we always make choices, and thank God for having the freedom and the choice to choose.

رابطه سالم

آهاى ملت! وقتى با كسى هستيد كه همه اش بايد فكر كنيد، حالا نوبت كيه تلفن كنه، نوبت كيه ايميل كنه، نوبته كيه به بيرون دعوت كنه، ميترسيد سر حرفى رو باز كنيد، ميترسيد از احساساتتون بگيد، هر روز ميترسيد و نميدونيد تا كى با هم هستيد، احساس امنيت نميكنيد، يه چيز طرف حرصتون رو همش درمياره كه ميخواهيد سرش هوار بكشيد اما جلو خودتونو هى ميگيريد، وقتى خودتون نيستيد، راحت نيستيد، اون رابطه ناسالمه و بده براى شما، ول كنيد بريد پى زندگيتون، طرفتون رو هم آزاد كنيد. پيدا ميشه اون كسى كه براى شما مناسبه، به خدا ميشه. نشه هم تنهايى با سلامت و آرامش و شادى صد شرف داره با بودن با كسى كه آدم و خوار و كوچيك و عصبى و مريض ميكنه. باور كنيد راست ميگم. بذاريد روح و جسمتون جا براى پذيرفتن يك رابطه سالم داشته باشه به جاى اينكه اسير يك رابطه ناسالمش كنيد. خودتون هم خودتون رو گول نزنيد. اونوقت از بقيه چه انتظارى داريد؟ از من گفتن.

Words of Wisdom

She is a very intelligent and peaceful friend from graduate school. Her choices in life were different from most people who got a PhD in computer science. Though I do not share her religious views, both me and another close friend admire her manner and choices immensely. She prioritizes her tasks and reminds herself everyday what is important in life, and by doing so she keeps saying no to things that matter less, or to tasks that would take time away from things that matter to her.

It was over three years ago that she sent out an email to me and other close friends to share her experiences of the new chapter she had opened in her life. This morning I thought of her and that email. I searched in my mail box, craving to read those words. As if she had written and saved her words of wisdom and advice for today that I needed to hear them. I found the email. I read it. It was as if I had stepped into her office like the old times in graduate school and she was giving me advice. I felt calm and relax again. I looked at my response to her email over three years ago: "I am sure I will find reading this email useful during different times in my life. " Wow, how did I know this so clearly? I am not that bad myself.

Jasmine

جسمين كوچولو به لهستانى، فارسى، و انگليسى جيك جيك ميكند. به قدرى باهوش هست كه بزرگترها به هچ زبانى نميتوانند پناه ببرند كه او چيزى نفهمد. سر شام پدر از مادر ميپرسد

How was her napping situation today?

جسمين كوچولو سريع قبل از مادر محكم پاسخ ميدهد:

Good!

مامان جسمين يواش به من ميگويد يواشكى شكلات براى چاى ات مياورم كه جسمين نبيند. هنوز به سمت آشپزخانه نرفته دنبال مامانش ميدود ميرود و
cookie, cookie
ميكند.

در پارك با دختر چهار پنج ساله اى بازى ميكند، اما همچنان رهبرى اين كه كجا بروند و چه بازى بكنند را در دست دارد. از پارك بر ميگرديم كه بابا را كه از سر كار آمده ببينيم. در طول راه بابا بابا ميكند. بعد ماشين من را پشت در ميبيند. به ماشين اشاره ميكند و بعد ميپرسد "عمه"؟ ميگويم آره اين مال عمه است.

جسمين هنوز دو سال ندارد!

جسمين عاشق انگور است. از توى ظرف هى انگور بر ميدارد و انگور انگور ميكند، و به همه انگور ميدهد. مامان بزرگ لهستانى به او ميگويد "بيگ انگور"، و ما ميخنديم كه او كه لهستانى است فارسى و انگليسى را با هم قاطى ميكند تا با جسمين حرف بزند.

آدمها هميشه ميتوانند با هم حرف بزنند اگر بخواهند.
و تا وقتى كه همه با هم حرف ميزنند، همه چيز خوب است، حتى اگر زبان هم را نفهمند.
اما امان از روزى كه همزبان باشند و با هم حرف نزنند و حرف هم را نفهمند!

همدلى از همزبانى برتر است.

Keep looking!

He was working hard to convince her. He could not believe her. He needed reasoning, he needed logic. "I do not know why, I just know it does not feel right", she told him. She knew he was not the one. "How would you know someone is the one? Would he have a sign on his forehead saying I am the one?", he frustratedly asked. "I do not know, I would just know", somehow she believed in that, even though she had never met the one. Somehow that was the biggest reasoning that could not be refuted. Years passed. There were times she doubted her belief system, but she kept going. Till one day, she found the one. She just knew it, and she was not alone.

"If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle."
Steve Jobs, 2005.

آن ترك شيرازى

امان از دست اين ترك شيرازى كه معلوم نيست اگر به دست آرد دل ما را چه بايد كرد برايش. حافظ بنده خدا ميخواسته سمرقند و بخارا را به او ببخشد، مورد انتقاد قرار گرفته كه چرا از خودت مايه نميذارى. صائب تبريزى ميگويد كه من كه مثل حافظ از كيسه خليفه نميبخشم، جونم و فدا ميكنم. بعدى اومده گفته، جان رو به گور اهدا ميكنند نه به ترك شيرازى كه بدبخت دل شما رو به دست هم آورده. حقش هست عزا دار بشه آخه؟ خلاصه دعوايى بوده بين شاعران. حالا اين ترك شيرازى اول دل ما را به دست بياورد، تا بقيش، شما دعوا نكنيد. خودم ميام اين مشكل تاريخى رو براتون حل ميكنم، اصلا غصه نخوريد.

پ.ن. اين دعواها و شعرها اينجا هستند:
http://hafez.tarikhema.ir/Hafez/article-15

Delete

I just deleted you.
Selected a folder, and hit delete.
It was that easy.

Ego

Just because she does not want to be with him,
He thinks she does not want to be with anyone.

Just because she does not want to marry him,
He thinks she will never marry anyone.

Just because she does not want him to be the father of her child,
He thinks she never wants to have a child.

Egos they have,
Self confidences they have,
Guys full of themselves!

Do not worry

Sometimes all you need to hear is "Do not worry about it, we will take care of it"!
Knowing that it will be all right.

Seizing the moment

It is like all past hardships, bad memories, and failures were all preparing you just to recognize and appreciate one precious moment, however brief it might be. The one moment that you seize and won't let go! The moment that changes your life.

Decide!

Decision makers? They are not.
Patient for others to make decisions for them? They are.
Do they care about the outcome? Absolutely.
The right decisions better be made for them by others.
For if they are the wrong ones, they are not forgiven.

Then there is silence,
Then there is waiting,
For that day,
When the right decisions are made,
For them.

On that day,
One would think they would be happy,
But how could they,
When nothing is theirs to claim,
Even a decision!

If you do not stand for yourself, who will?

Yesterday as I was driving to work, I heard a historic and for many life-changing news on the radio. It was a historic day for the United States. It was the end of the "Do not Ask, Do not Tell" era, after 18 years. Now you can ask, and they can tell! For those of you who do not live in the U.S. or may not be familiar with the expression, Do Not Ask Do Not Tell refers to laws on restrictions of gays and lesbians openly serving in the U.S military. Basically, they could serve but they could not openly express their sexuality and if someone in military learned about their homosexuality, they would be banned from serving in the military and lose their jobs. While the law may sound harsh, it was actually a slight improvement to previous ones completely banning them from serving. Now they could serve, they just did not have to speak of their sexuality and no one was supposed to ask anyone about one's sexuality. As long as no one knew, they were fine.

This law put a lot of pressure on homosexuals who wished to build their careers in military. They had to always be careful of what they say, not have pictures of their loved ones and family, not have them in work-related events and ceremonies, not be completely honest. Some lost their jobs just because somebody did tell someone, even though no one asked! Unfortunately, the one who did tell on these people, were not fined even though they were also breaking the law, rather the homosexuals became the victims and paid the price.

The NPR news on this matter included two people's personal stories. One was a young female office, climbing the ladders and making her way up in the military, till one night a colleague saw her in a bar kissing another female. Even though it was outside work, her personal time, even though the colleague did not have to report it, that person was reported, and she got fired. She did not hold grudges and did not decide not to ever look back again, she did not say what the hell with the military, she did not think the person who caused her harm and reported the incident should pay back. She put all her energy advocating for the cause, trying to change the law, raising awareness, etc. so that she could serve openly and legally in the military. She claimed her right to serve and to do the job she loved. Yesterday, she filled an application for a position in military again even though she thinks now after eight years being older and not being physically in shape, she may not pass the physical exams. That would be okay, she said. She knows she did every thing she could to do what she wanted, and she certainly made a difference and proved her point.

The other story belonged to an officer who did not tell and no one told on him either. He could keep quiet and keep his job, but it was killing him. He wanted to do something, to change things. So he wrote his PhD dissertation on this topic and related policies and legislation. He knew writing that dissertation was basically some how looking for a way to break the silence, to tell, to set free. He knew he was risking his position by drawing attention and eventually people learning about his homosexuality. His work helped the cause as well, and now he does not have to carry that burden on his shoulder every single day.

The beautiful thing about these people is that they put their frustration and anger into making positive changes, instead of expecting others who already did no not respect their rights as humans to make those positive changes. Could they expect them to do so anyways? They did not hate the wrong doers nor did they boycott the military or anyone who had anything to do with discriminative laws from those who made the law, passed the law, to those who enforced the law, or even those who took advantage of the law and reported them. They simply recognized a broken system and did everything they could to change it. They claimed their right. They claimed themselves!

Whether you ask or not, whether you tell or not, it does not matter! As it should not!

References:
[1] http://www.npr.org/2011/09/20/140605121/with-repeal-of-dont-ask-dont-tell-an-era-ends
[2] http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2011/09/20/140624199/dont-ask-dont-tell-fades-away-media-say
[3] http://www.npr.org/2011/09/20/140644519/dont-ask-dont-tell-ends

A click away

A few clicks,
And a credit card,
That is all it takes.
Then, why does it seem so hard?

Why do you like me?

The question might be wrong to begin with. You either like someone or you do not. But often times you can find reasons for what you feel. Sometimes it is important to us to know when a person claims he likes/loves us, it is for the right reasons, right reasons to us that is. Different people may like the same person for different reasons. I have learned that I feel the best when I am liked because of the qualities I value myself, not necessarily for those qualities that while they are good to have, I do not care much for. And that is today's soul searching discovery folks!

A New Day

One fine day,
The day you thought will never come,
Will finally arrive.

On that day,
You think you can no longer be alone,
You, the master of being alone.

On that day,
You rather spend your time with that someone,
That was never before,
That may never be again.

On that day,
You realize,
A new day has begun!

What I like you to know*

The next time you are going to give your sweetest smile to a girl,
The next time you are going to prepare your romantic speech for the one you don't care,
The next time you want to impress others by your art as an actor, dancer, or achiever,
Think Twice.

Think about all the damage you may cause,
To a simple soul,
To a pure mind,
To a pure heart.

* I was going over my notes in an old notebook of mine that I found this piece. I had written it on January 25, 2002!

قلب كوچك بچه هاى كوچك

قلب كوچكش مثل يك توپ واليبال از اين طرف به آن طرف پاس داده ميشود، زمين ميخورد، پا ميخورد، دوباربلند ميشود، اوج ميگيرد، فكر ميكند هيچ وقت دوباره نمى افتد، و درست در حاليكه سر خوش است آن بالا در اوج، شتلق ميفتد ميشكند. دوباره جمعش ميكنند و شروع به بازى ميكنند. امتياز نگه ميدارند. تنها چيزى كه مهم است امتياز و نتيجه بازى است، برد و باخت است. كسى فكر قلب كوچكش نيست. قلب كوچك بچه هاى كوچك. بچه هاى پاك. بچه هاى بيگناه.

Silence

Sometimes it is not about what you say or hear,
It is about how you share the silence,
How you use the silence,
How you feel the silence.

It can be angry.
It can be stressful.
It can be weird.
It can be awkward.
It can be playful.
It can be uncomfortable.
It can be dishonest.
It can be kind.
It can be compassionate.
It can be understanding.
It can be indifferent.
It can be heavy.
It can be admiring.
It can be belittling.
It can be hateful.
It can be loving.

But sometimes,
Only sometimes,
You find the one,
To share the silence with,
As it deserves to be shared.

Sometimes,
Only sometimes,
There is just silence,
And nothing else,
No fear,
No worry,
No tension,
No excitement,
No games,
No plays,
No fallacy,
Just peaceful honest empowering yet comforting silence.
Without feeling the need to break it,
Or get out of it,
Just wanting to hold on to the silence,
With whom it is being shared.
The rare sacred weightless flawless silence.

صداقت، انگيزه، تشويق، اعتماد به نفس، ...واژه هايى گاهى غريب در آموزش و پرورش ايران

در طى تمام سالهاى مدرسه در ايران، يك سرى درس ها هيچوقت از نظر معلم ها، مسئولين، و شاگرد ها اهميتى رو كه ميتونستند داشته باشند، نداشتند، و نقشون هميشه نمره بيار و يا خراب كننده معدل ما بود: مثل ورزش و انشا. البته گاهى هم يك معلم مسئول كه كارش رو جدى ميگرفت و دوست داشت پيدا ميشد و اهميت اون درس يا حداقل علاقه ما بهش بيشتر ميشد. در سالهاى دبيرستان، با وجوديكه رشته من و همكلاسى هام رياضى بود، يك مرتبه كلاس انشا يكى از كلاس هاى با حال ما شد. شايد به خاطر جهش رشد جسمى و فكريمون بود، اينكه در اون سال ها بچه ها اولين تجربه هاى نوسان هرمون ها و عاشق شدن و كراش روى كسى داشتن رو ميكردن، و اينكه كلاس انشا مناسبترين كلاس براى ابراز احساسات در پرده شعر و تشبيه و ايهام بود.

خلاصه كلاس انشا جذاب شده بود. همه سراپا گوش ميشدند تا انشاى همديگر را بشنوند و غرق تحسين يك قطعه ادبى شوند. چند نفرى بودند كه نوشته هاشون سحرنگيز و رويايى بود. همين كه شروع به خواندن ميكردند من به دنياى ديگرى ميرفتم و با تمام كردن انشا خواندنشون به كلاس برميگشتم، مخصوصا انشا هاى يكى از بچه ها به نام مريم برايم معمايى بود. او چطور به اين زيبايى مينوشت؟ چطور چنين تشبيه هايى به ذهنش مى آمد؟ چطور با چنين احساسى از زندگى ميگفت و شكوه ميكرد، انگار ده ها سال، و نه فقط 16-17 سال تجربه زندگى داشت؟ يعنى زندگى او خيلى پيچيده تر و پر بارتر از من بود، يا در خانواده اش تجارب متفاوتى داشت؟ نميدانم. فقط ميدانستم كه هر چه كلمه قلمبه سلمبه و تشبيهات و استعارات پيچيده بود، در انشاى او بود، و هر چه اين متن ها پيچيده تر ميشد، معلم ادبيات بيشتر خوشش ميامد و نمره بهترى ميداد. من اما ساده مينوشتم. توصيفى و تشريحى، هر چى هم زور ميزدم مثل اونها بدون كپى بردارى از آنها بنويسم، نميتوانستم. پذيرفتم كه آنها طبع ادبى و شاعرانه اى دارند و ادبياتشان بهتر است و من با همه علاقه ام به ادبيات استعداد نگارشى و ادبى مثل آنها ندارم. از انشاهاى آنها، كلمات جديد قلمبه سلمبه اى كه استفاده ميكردند، و تشبيهاتشان ياد داشت بر ميداشتم، بلكه به من كمك كند. متوجه شدم كه خيلى وقت ها يك سرى اصطلاحات و عبارات رو در چندين انشا تكرار و استفاده ميكردند.

اين گذشت. كه يك بار تابستان بود و نمايشگاه كتاب بود و من يك جلد كتاب مجموعه اشعار شاملو را خريدم. چند شعرش را خواندم و لذت بردم و ادامه دادم. تا اينكه به شعرى بر خوردم به نام "شعرى كه زندگيست". شروع كردم به خواندن تا رسيدم به:

"موضوع شعر
امروز
موضوع ديگريست

امروز
شعر
حربه خلق است
زيرا كه شاعران
خود شاخه اى ز جنگل خلقند
نه ياسمين و سنبل گلخانه فلان

بيگانه نيست
شاعر امروز
با دردهاى مشترك خلق:
...
...
"
و من فهميدم كسى كه آرزو و حسرت نوشتن به مانند او را داشتم به واقع احمد شاملو بود. عصبانى بودم. نميدانم كدام دردناكتر بود: تقلب و كپى بردارى دوستم، يا داشتن معلم ادبياتى كه اشعار شاملو را نميشناخت، و يا بدتر، ميشناخت و بروى خودش نمياورد، و يا اعتماد به نفسى كه توى سرش خورده بود؟

من آن روز خودم به خودم دلدارى دادم كه حداقل نوشته هاى تو خوب يا بد ميدانى مال خودت بوده، و چه بسا الان ادبياتت، با دانستن اين شعر شاملو، بهتر از معلمى باشد كه دلت ميخواست تحسينش شامل نوشته هاى تو شود. من از آن روز به بعد به خودم ايمان جديدى آوردم، و فهميدم كه به اين راحتى خودم نبايد توى سر استعدادهاى خودم بزنم، هر چند به ظاهر همه از من خيلى بهتر باشند.

از عجايب روزگار

بنده اين روز ها كنار دريا در تعطيلات به سرميبرم. امروز تا 9-10 صبح خوابيدم. بعد يك صبحانه مشتى زدم، كه البته آن را هميشه ميزنم. بعد كمى اينترنت بازى كرم. بعد رفتم دريا شنا كردم و بعد 2-3 ساعتى لب آفتاب ولو شدم و كتاب خوندم. بعد اومدم خونه يه دوشى گرفتم و دوباره غذا خوردم. حالا انگار كوه كندم، چنان خوابم مياد كه نگو و نپرس. انوقت وقتى كه كار ميكنم از 6 صبح تا 12-1 شب به راهم و فعاليت فكرى و بدنى ميكنم و بعدهم كه دارم از خستگى ميميرم، مگه خوابم ميبره؟ خلاصه از عجايب روزگار است و بسى راست گفته اند كه خواب خواب مياورد، و من بيچاره چقدر خسته بوده ام و خبر نداشتم، يا خبر داشتم و چاره اى نداشتم.

جات خيلى سبزه.

اين تابستان خيلى تابستان پر كار، و در عين حال پر ثمرى بود براى من. كلى چيز ياد گرفتم، كلى كارهاى خوب كردم، و نتيجه هاى خوب گرفتم. اما از خستگى هم ديگه داشتم ميمردم. خيلى روز ها تا هشت يا نه شب اداره بودم، وچند تا آخر هفته ها رو هم كار كردم. حالا با چند تا از دوستام اومدم كنار دريا براى تعطيلات. خونمون و بالكنش رو به اقيانوس اطلس هست، اتاقم رو به اقيانوس اطلس هست. براى دريا رفتن فقط كافيه بريم بيرون و بريم دريا. دوستانم خوب هستند. غذا خوب ميخوريم و استراحت هم خوب ميكنيم، اما من دلم براى دوستم تنگ تنگه. دوستى كه هر چى خاطره خوب از دريا دارم با اون دارم. از اون موقعى كه بچه بوديم و خزرشهر ميرفتيم تا وقتى كه با بچه اش به ساحل هاى فلوريدا رفتيم. جات خيلى سبزه. دريا بدون تو نميچسبه، چون هيچ كس قدر تو از دريا و ساحل، طبيعت و ستاره ها لذت نميبره. باورت نميشه، اما دلم براى جيغ زدنت روى موج ها و ساعت ها توى ساحل نشستنمون تنگ شده. باور ميكنى بعضى ها بعد از چهل دقيقه يا يك ساعت لب اقيانوس بودن دل بكنند و بخواهند بروند خونه؟ دلم برات تنگ شده چون ميدونم چقدر دوست داشتى الان اينجا پيش من و دريا با همه بد اخلاقى هام بودى، به جاى اونجايى كه الان هستى.

Tea

Maybe I stop by for a cup of tea sometime,
He decides on a rainy dusk.

What will it be?

This morning I have been watching videos of different planets, stars and galaxies. I saw surface of Mars, from Viking imagery to those of Spirit, Opportunity, and MOLA among others. I saw its mountains and valleys, its bays and volcano, all in 3D too! I saw Titan from Cassini. I saw a comet from Deep Impact.

It was break time. I opened Google reader. I saw images of water festivals, in color, on the other side of our planet! We have discovered new territories! Congratulations to us. Maybe now we know there can exist laughter, color and joy in our own streets, as ice could on Mars. There were some other stuff on Google reader too. I did not dare to scroll down to see. I could not handle the truth.

It is night time; I am watching the day's news before calling it a day. I see brutality in Syria. People are dropped into rivers as if they are lifeless useless objects on the only place we have abundance of precious life, while others are searching for any molecular evidence of any form of possible life millions of light years away! Here on Earth, the only home we have, people are treated like nothing.

I am being stretched and torn between two extreme opposite worlds, yet on one planet. I feel the pain of a dying star wondering what destiny is awaiting her: will we become a massive Neutron star, with our very own strong magnetic fields, standing proud and powerful living forever, or will we surrender and turn into a black hole just to be sucked into it? Are we embracing eternal life or ensuring absolute death?

آغاز سال نو، با شادى و سرور.....

من نميدونم چطور توى اين همه سالهاى دانشگاه يك كلاس ستاره شناسى بر نداشتم. نميدونم چرا تمام واحد هاى انتخابى براى يك رشته فرعى در دوره ليسانس را در رياضى گرفتم. يعنى رشته خودم به اندازه كافى رياضى نداشت؟ يا اينكه فكر ميكردم با خوندن كامپيوتر به رشته مورد علاقه و ايده آل اوليه ام داشتم خيانت ميكردم و ميخواستم جبران كنم؟ نميدونم، اما واحد هاى اختيارى زيادى ميشد برداشت مثل پيانو، فرانسه، و ستاره شناسى. مطالبى كه هميشه دوست داشتم و دارم كه بلد ميبودم. شايد هم اون موقع ها انقدر بدبخت بيچاره بودم، فقط ميخواستم تند تند واحد ها رو بگيرم، فارغ اتحصيل بشم، و برم سر كار، و فقط چيز هايى رو بر ميداشتم كه به بازار كار مهندس هاى كامپيوتر كمك ميكرد.

به هر حال، قديم ها اول سال تحصيلى يا اول هر ترم دانشگاه ميرفتم خريد لوازم التحرير. از خريد عيد براى من لذت بخش تر بود، مخصوصا در دوران مدرسه در ايران. اون بوى نوى دفتر و كتاب ها، دفتر هاى صد برگ و دويست برگ با جلد هاى رنگ وارنگ، جلد كردن كتاب ها، همه و همه رو دوست داشتم. توى دانشگاه، اين كار تبديل شد به كلاسور و يا فقط كاغذ كلاسور خريدن، و البته خريدن كتابهاى گران، بسيار گران، به اندازه حقوق سه چهار هفته كار كردنم در اون زمان رو بايد ميدادم كتاب هاى يك ترمم رو بخرم.

خلاصه از اون موقع ها خيلى وقت گذشته، اما من اين هفته سر كار سه روز تمام قرار هست از صبح تا عصر سر يك كلاس ستاره شناسى بشينم. فكر ميكينم معادل يك كلاس آشنايى با ستاره شناسى دوران ليسانس باشه. استادش از دانشگاه آريزونا كه در اين رشته معروفه داره مياد. اين روز ها ديگه همه توى كامپيوتر نت مينويسند و همه چيز احتمالا آن لاين در دسترس هست. توى اداره ها هم در حد دفتر و خودكار به آدم لوازم التحرير ميدن كه آدم احتياجى به خريدشون نداشته باشه. اما من طاقت نياوردم. به ياد قديم ها رفتم يه دفتر خوشگل براى كلاس فردام خريدم. دوباره همون حس و حال اول سال تحصيلى رو دارم. خوشحالم نمردم و بالاخره يك كلاس تو اين موضوع دارم برميدارم، هر چند كوتاه و فشرده هست.

يادت باشد!

بقيه حالشان را بردند،
تو را آزردند،
گذاشتند و رفتند،
چوبش را من خوردم.
يادت باشد.

Happiness

Nowhere else you rather be,
Nothing else you rather be doing,
Nothing else matters.

كار دنيا

يه زمانى كه اينترنت نبود، ماهواره تازه رايج شده بود و ما هيچ وقت نداشتيمش، تلوزيون 2-3 كانال بيشتر نداشت، مجله دانشمند فهميدنش برام خيلى سخت بود، نيم ساعت اخبار علمى فرهنگى رو عصر ها سعى ميكردم از دست ندم، بلكه يكى دو جمله از آخرين اخبار برخورد شهابى با ژوپيتر رو بگه*، ببينيم بالاخره ژوپيتر كن فيكون شد يا نه، چقدر سوراخ شد، واقعيت با پيش بينى ها جور در اومد يا نه. يك موقع هايى هم همت ميكردم، اوتوبوس ميگرفتم تا كتابخانه حسينيه ارشاد، كه مجله هاى اخير انگليسى مثل نيوزويك و تايمز و ريدرز دايجست را داشت. اگر توى قسمت علمى روزنامه ها يك پاراگراف درباره اخبار ماموريت هاى فضايى چاپ ميشد، روزم ساخته ميشد. اگر هم يك موقع مقاله هاى بريده شده از واشنگتن پست طبق سفارشاتم از برادرم با مسافر يا پست به دستم ميرسيد كه ديگه توى بهشت بودم و كارم هم در اومده بود: بايد براى فهميدن هر يه جمله هزار بار ديكشنرى باز ميكردم. لجباز هم بودم. اول ديكشنرى انگليسى به انگليسى، بعد اگر نفهميدم (كه شامل نود در صد مواقع ميشد)، ديكشنرى انگليسى به فارسى رو باز ميكردم. يك مرتبه ميديديد من يه صبح تا شب بين يك مشت كاغذ و جلدهاى مختلف ديكشنرى هاى كلفت غرق بودم.

خلاصه فاصله ها دور بود، و اطلاعات در دسترس نبود و تازه اگر به دست ميرسيد با تاخير بود. حالا كار دنيا بر عكس شده. جاها عوض شده. صاف رفتم تو دل منبع خبر. تمام عقده هاى نوجوانيم رو خالى ميكنم (نميدونم چرا فقط تموم نميشه). روزنامه ها، تلوزيون ها، وب سايت ها چشم دوختند به ما، منتظرند آخرين اخبار و دستاورد علمى رو از ما بگيرند چاپ كنند. ما هم ميگيم، داريم روش كار ميكنيم بابا، به خدا داريم روش كار ميكنيم، هنوز همه داده ها نيومده. من هم تو دلم ميگم، حالا شما يك صبر كنيد!

* A brief introduction is available here. You can also see the
related NASA press release at the time. Interestingly enough that made another interesting July.

پ.ن. اين هم يك نشونه ديگه از اينكه كارهاى دنيا بر عكس شده: متن هاى فارسى با زير نويس انگليسى توضيح داده ميشوند، به جاى اينكه متن هاى انگليسى به فارسى ترجمه بشوند!

The sweet topic of judgement!

The popular topic of judgment is often discussed in different blogs. How we humans tend to judge too quickly, with wrong assumptions, and arrive at wrong conclusions. That is true too often, but I believe it is inevitable: we see, hear, sense, smell, read,......... and in one word receive so many signals from too many different sources at once. And what does our brain immediately do with any signal it receives? It processes it, analyzes it, comprehends it, and forms an opinion about it. The truth is everyone thinks something of what you say and do or do not say and do not do. There is no way to get around that unless their brain shuts down or we get full control of their brains. So, when someone thinks out loud and tells you about so many thoughts and questions that comes to their mind, they are giving you a chance to provide them more data and information, to correct their wrong assumptions, to maybe reach at a more accurate conclusion. By knowing what they think, what doubts and questions they have, and even what conclusions they have already reached, a dialogue about that topic is opened. A chance to discuss the topic is created. Your chance to correct a wrong assumption, to correct a wrong judgment is granted. Had they been silent and continued to judge you incorrectly silently by themselves without you having any clue about what they think about something, you probably would not have thought of providing more information about that topic.

So, I suggest instead of accusing someone "you are too quick to judge", "do not judge".... as if they have committed murder, think and ask about what pieces of information they are basing their judgment on. "What makes you think this way?", "you think so? how come?". Then, see what pieces of the puzzle they are missing. Provide that. Enlighten them. Open horizons. Of course, being aware of the fact that judgment in inevitable, we (ok me, myself, and I) can practice asking questions, asking for more information in proper respectful manner before reaching a conclusion. I have to practice that a lot, but I do not like being attacked just for asking questions, for asking for more information, for disclosing what is in my mind and letting you into my brain. I really do not have to let anyone into my brain to see what I think. Do I? Or maybe when people ask us not to judge or not to form an opinion about something, what they are really saying is I do not really want to know what you think about it or you do not really have to share what you think about someone or something. That, I can understand; Expecting brains not to function, I cannot.

p.s. Sologen had a related post in Farsi. I admit it is a little hard for me to follow, but I think I agree with the overall argument :-)

Big men raising little girls

We often hear about the struggles of single mothers, but not those of single fathers, especially single fathers with daughters. Single fathers who traditionally did not grow up talking and learning about girl's menstruation, nor did they get any education about it. What should they do, what is normal and what is not, how their daughters may be sensitive and not want to talk about it, but they have to tell him because they need him to buy them pads. Some single dads are clueless. All they can do is pick up the phone and call their sister horrified, and have a conversation about her monthly periods for the first time in their lives. They worry. "Is this normal? She is bleeding too much!" Yes, this is normal. "I am going to buy solution x for her so that she can clean herself with it". What? Are you out of your mind?!! It is amazing how these macho-appearing know-it-all men, who never paid attention to what all females around them go through and never gave any woman a break anytime, are faced with reality. "So, one week every month they have to go through this? I wish they were boys for their own sake...." he says. Really? You are saying this?

Life has a funny way of teaching people lessons that no one could teach them no matter how much one tried to.

Professional expressions

Do guys ever say in their work-related emails or meetings about a new project or partnership, that could very well be their own idea or related to their own interests and passions, "It is exciting!", "I am so excited about this!", "I cannot wait to get started", "I look forward to working with you/on this" .... or is it just that I have only experienced hearing such expressions from my female collaborators? Or is it that females feel more comfortable expressing these feelings with their female colleagues and such exchange of expressions does not happen in collaborations among opposite genders?

My male professional readers, have you ever used such expressions about your work? If so, have you only said it to your male colleagues or do you recall saying it to your female colleagues too? (and please, do not cheat if the female colleague is/was your wife or girlfriend). If you had these feelings and thoughts, and never expressed them, what was stopping you? I am just wondering!

I think such simple expressions can move mountains. It motivates and encourages people; makes them go the extra mile. It does not cost anything, try it! Of course, only if you feel that way. There is nothing worse than a fake expression in my opinion!

One Lesson A Day

I have opened a new blog titled "One Lesson A Day". The idea is to remind and encourage myself (and maybe others) to learn on a daily basis. I also felt the need to have a separate blog for more factual, informative and educational content, as opposed to this one containing personal and emotional ones.

I hope to see you there.

تمام گلهاى من

جسمين كوچولو حرف ميزند. از نوزادى عاشق طبيعت بود. هر وقت گريه اش ميگرفت، كافى بود ببريش پشت پنجره يا توى بالكن. اونوقت محو تماشاى برگى بالاى درختى ميشد و آرامش ميگرفت. به صداى گنجشك ها و كبوتر ها گوش ميداد و با انگشتش حركتشون رو دنبال ميكرد. حالا گل جزو معدود كلماتى است كه بلد هست. چه توى گلدون، چه توى باغچه، و چه توى كتاب يا روى كپشش هم كه باشد (آره، به كفش هم كپش ميگويد)، بايد به آن اشاره كند، به همه گل گل بگويد، خم شود و آن را بو كند. جسمين عمه را هم خوب ياد گرفته. از دور تند تند ميدود مى آيد بغل عمه، يا از پشت صندلى از اين ور و آن ور مى آيد سرك ميكشد و عمه عمه ميگويد و عمه كيف ميكند.

ناتالى اما ديگر بزرگ شده! او ياد گرفته كه خودش را خوشحال نگه دارد و سر گرم كند. يك مرتبه ميره تو خط آهنگ و نمايش ساختن، يك مدت ميرود دنبال كار دستى درست كردن و در يك روز اگر ولش كنى هزار تا كلاه ممكن است درست كند. اما ويكتوريا. ويكتورياى كوچك و رمانتيك، اين روز ها غمى در صدايش بود پشت تلفن. غمى كه دل عمه را ميشكست .
اما كافى بود كه دوباره عمه را ببيند، بپرسد:

Ammeh, would you like to dance?

و به عمه رقص ياد بدهد، و هر دو شاد و خوشحال برقصند.

راديو كالج پارك!

راديو كالج پارك شش ساله شد!

لطفا همچنان با ما باشيد، ما رو به دوستان فارسى زبانتون معرفى كنيد، و ما رو از نظرات و انتقادات خودتون مطلع كنيد.

ما يك صفحه فيسبوك هم داريم.

خسيس ترين ها

به نظر من، كسانى كه وقتى از روبروى شما رد ميشن، مخصوصا اگر آشنا باشن، خودشون رو به نديدن ميزنند كه نكنه مجبور بشن يه سلام و عليكى رد و بدل كنند، يا كسانى كه توى يه راهرو نزديك يا جلوى شما راه ميرن، اما سرعت خودشون و يه مرتبه كم ميكنند كه شما جلو بزنيد، نكنه مجبور بشن خداى نكرده در رو براى شما باز كنند، بخيل ترين و خسيس ترين آدمهاى روى كره زمين هستند.

دارنده جواب تمام سوالات!

شاگرد نازنين من آب ميخواد بخوره بهم خبر ميده: من ساعت 2:30-3:30 دارم ميرم فلان تاك. هر يك پيپرى كه پيدا ميكينه ذوق ميكنه بهم خبر ميده،... ديروز يه ددلاين داشتم، يه مرتبه اومد تو آفيس نگران، كه بين فلان روش و فلان روش تو كدومش و ميخواى من انجام بدم، انگار الان دنيا تموم داشت ميشد. خيلى نزديك بود بگم من الان نيم ساعت بيشتر وقت ندارم يه چيزى رو تحويل بدم و بعدن راجع بهش حرف ميزنيم، اما ياد هزار بارى افتادم كه همينجورى خودم ميرفتم دم آفيس استادم، يا ادوايزر سر كارم، و اينكه اونها هميشه درشون باز بود، و هيچ وقت من رو پس نميفرستادن، مگر تعداد بارهاى كم اون هم در طى سالها با هم كار كردن. تازه فهميدم بيچاره ها چه ميكشيدن، به يك آره و نه كه من راضى نميشدم، كلى بحث و گفتگو و حتى درد دل احتياج داشتم. اون وقت تو اين دانشجوى نازنين كه با هزار اميد و آرزو از اون سر آمريكا كوبيده اومده كه همش 10 هفته برات كار كنه رو ميخواى بگى برو بعدن بيا! آخه خجالت هم خوب چيزيه. حالا اگر خود كار نبود و كاميونيكت نميكرد كه ده برابر بايد بيشتر انرژى صرفش ميكردى دختر جان. گوش دادم و يه جواب هيبريدى بهش دادم كه اول رو فلان متد فوكوس كن، بعد اگر وقت داشتى و خواستى اون يكى رو هم انجام بده.... آره، خيلى كمك بزرگى بود، ميدونم! :-)

Please stay with us! We will go anyways !

Tired and exhausted last night I stopped by my local grocery store to buy some usual stuff: milk, bread, fruits,.... As I entered, it was as if I entered a store of a city that was hit by a tornado, or famine. More than half of the shelves were empty, whatever fruits and vegetables that were left, were not of good quality. Maybe they just had a delay in restocking? It was not winter to blame a storm or fear of a storm for empty shelves. Then, I paid more attention. Flower stands were gone, magazine stands were gone, .... it was just so sad. As I went to the cashier I asked: "What is happening?", hoping to hear we are remodeling, renovating, ... not wanting to hear what I heard: "We are closing!". Why? How? I have been coming to this store for seven years at least once a week. I know so many people who work here. I knew where everything was, did not have to search for anything. It is a mile a way from my place. That shopping center had everything I needed: my bank, grocery shopping, Starbucks, insurance company, pizza place, ice cream place, drug store; it used to have Blockbuster too, but I blamed Netflix for their closure; What is Giant's excuse? "Not enough income!" How can that be? All the houses and units in this neighborhood are not enough for them? Where is everybody shopping from? I actually felt betrayed by my community. And how did I not see it coming? There were no signs or announcements or did I just not pay attention?

As I did my last shopping there and came out, I looked behind the store door. There was an announcement. This location closes at 6:00 pm on Thursday. We appreciate your patronage! .... and I thought "Do you?".

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
p.s. I had not seen him in a while there. I was actually happy for that. It probably meant that he moved to a desk/in-door job, or was just busy with college. I understood the happiness of Chuckie in Good Will Hunting when he knocked at Will's house and finally got no response one day.

“Chuckie: .... Let me tell you what I do know. Every day I come by to pick you up. And we go out we have a few drinks, and a few laughs and it's great. But you know what the best part of my day is? It's for about ten seconds from when I pull up to the curb to when I get to your door. Because I think maybe I'll get up there and I'll knock on the door and you won't be there. No goodbye, no see you later, no nothin'. Just left. I don't know much, but I know that.”

Ammeh :-)

: Ammey?
: baleh?
: Ammey?
: baleh?
: Ammey?
: jaan e Ammeh?
: Ammey?
: baleh? :-)
...
...
...

Jasmine learned and said Ammeh tonight and there is no turning back! :-)

Horrible real stories

Being trusted as a confidant is not always that good. Sometimes you wonder how much you can take in. What else are you going to hear that you have never heard before? How much can humans endure and yet survive? The more you hear, the more you get surprised by this weird creature called human.

I had seen her several times in various dinners and movie nights of our mutual friends. She is usually very silent, and recently she was skipping several events. I thought she had broken up with my friend and was not dating him anymore. Last time she mentioned to me that she has Lyme disease, and that her treatments exhaust her and oftentimes she does not have enough energy to come out. I did not know much about that disease. I asked her for more information. She described how no insurance considers it a legitimate illness and no insurance covers her treatments. How she was a successful engineer in our center and she ended up quitting her job. I felt so sad and sorry for her. Imagine living your life happily and successfully and one nice day, walking out doors, or maybe camping, you get bitten by a tick and your life changes forever. So, that was the extent I got to know her: she was an engineer, originally from Vietnam, who now has Lyme disease.

I saw her again last night. Naturally, I asked her how she was feeling, and how her treatments were going. She told me she is getting ready for a treatment. The fact that doctors think she can now go through it means her body is strong enough to endure it, and that after the treatment she would be better. So, she was happy about that; but the process itself is painful and drains all her energy. The topic of costs and insurance companies came up again. I asked how she has been managing all these years without working.

She mentioned "I had a good job; I was moving up. I was a manager when I quit. I was lucky that I was not the kind of person who has to buy many things or spend so much money to be happy. I had a lot of savings and had bought a house. I had to sell my house to afford treatments. I have been living off of that money. I was so sad when I sold my house. You know for us you work so hard to prove yourself in a new country, being young, a woman, and immigrant all works against you, and to lose all that, I was very sad". She said how she was in bed shaking from illness when she was signing the papers to sell her house, that she could not even move downstairs behind a table or to the agent's office; that she had no friends or family to help her.

Just as I thought I had heard it all, she kept going. You know I had worked very hard for my house; It was my blood and sweat. I was four when I came here. Before that, I was arrested in Vietnam. They put me in prison. They tortured me for information about my parents and relatives but I did not know anything. A four year old kid? I could not believe it. They gave her electric shocks? No .....she kept going. They made boys have sex with their mothers and made her watch it ... it was hard just listening to it. How could a kid go through this? How come she is all of a sudden saying all these things to me? It is as if she had found someone to talk to after so long. "How did you get over all that?", I asked. "With a lot of therapy", she said. She went on how she was here with no parents, and lived with an old aunt that she had to take care of, and she had no one to look after her, and how she was a target for many guys who wanted to take advantage of her. I knew she was very religious too. She said my faith and my sense of humor got me through. I could have become very bitter. No kidding, I was surprised she was not. How could she not? and how could she pray to a God who watched all this happen to her and did not do anything about it? I would be an angry bitter atheist to say the least. Well, I am glad it helped her survive and keep her sanity.

I suggested now that she is not working, maybe she can campaign for Lyme disease so that insurance companies accept its treatment costs. She said she does. She is an activist for that cause. I thought she could write her stories too. It has historic value. You see movies or read books and you think such things belong to many many many years ago, ... and then you get to know someone you thought you knew; It was beyond my wildest dreams hearing her stories. You hear stories of such people struggling with one thing or another all their life and making it through somehow without being angry or bitter to anyone.... and you realize you have no excuse not to enjoy life and all its blessings or to treat anyone unkindly.

Pleasantly surprised!

It is nice to be pleasantly surprised! Not once, but twice, in one day! :-)

امروز ميتونست روز خيلى خوبى باشه.

امروز ميتونست روز خيلى خوبى باشه. خيلى خيلى خوب. ميتونستم با خوشحالى فيلم آخرين فرود اندور رو ببينم. ميتونستم با خوشحالى شاگردم رو كه از سن ديگو اومده كه با من كار كنه، بر دارم، ناهار ببرمش بيرون، با ذوق و شوق از پروژه و كارهايى كه انتظار دارم انجام بده براش حرف بزنم. ميتونستم عصر با شارلت و كوين و ايرين كه تازه عروسى كرده براى تولد شارلت بريم چيز كيك فكتورى شام بخوريم و خوش باشيم. ميتونستم از ذوق گرفتن ايميل فائزه كه خبر داده داره عروسى ميكنه تا يه هفته خوش باشم. ميتونستم شب با دوستام اسكايپ كنم و درباره بقيه كتابى كه ميخونيم حرف بزنيم. امروز خيلى روز خوبى ميتونست باشه. همه اين كارها رو هم قراره بكنم، اما همش ته فكرم اينه كه من از چه جاى تاريكى ميام. جايى كه دختر رو در تاشييع جنازه پدر ميكشند. و اين همه نور و روشنايى و شادى اين طرف دنيا، اصلا يه قطره اش هم اون طرف دنيا نميباره و اونجا رو روشن نميكنه، و اين همه تاريكى اونور دنيا اصلا اين ور دنيا خبر نميشه، كه زنى بعد از نه ماه زندان به هاگ كردن شوهرش با دستبند در دست قناعت ميكنه و لبخند ميزنه. همه اين كارها رو قرار بكنم و بايد همه روز به خودم ياد آورى كنم، تقصير شاگردم نيست، او امروز حق داره روز اول كارى خوبى رو داشته باشه، تقصير شارلت نيست، او امروز حق داره تولد شادى داشته باشه، ...، و من مانده ام كه ديگر كى رغبت ميكنم پا در آن همه تاريكى بگذارم.

Dream Journey!

The ocean of life,
Opens up new horizons,
Shows me new territories,
Hardly seen from one shore,
Only when I trust it to let go, to float,
To ride on its waves of passion,
For a dream journey.
Ride on!
There are enough waves for everyone!

اى دوست

با دوست من بد نكن اى دوست.
دوستش ميدارم.

Death

Do you remember when and how you were first introduced to the concept of death? For me I think it was when my paternal grandmother passed away. I one day asked my dad when will we see her again. My dad said when people get very very old, they travel to a nice place far far away, so far that it is hard for their old bodies to come back again. It sounded more like a retirement plan to me. Even as a kid, I knew this was my dad's way of telling a bitter truth. I accepted that story. It worked fine for me at the time. As soon as he said it, I thought to myself okay, she is gone for good. I get it. It is not like I am dumb just because I am a kid. I also thought how selfish they are. They leave and abandon their loved ones behind that easily just to live in a nicer place? Apparently, even my dad was not thinking of such an analysis, of the harsh reality of being abandoned and left in his supposedly nicer version of the story.

Later our family ended up spending many years very far from each other; and we had to work hard on staying in touch, to keep us alive; yet, so many things were lost and died through out the years and thousands of miles. Maybe I had always subconsciously associated the concept of being far away from someone equivalent to being dead to them. Maybe that is why I like to make sure that being far away and alive be different from being far away and dead. Maybe that is a futile effort to begin with, maybe not, not sure yet.

Of course that story stopped working for me when I was in the first grade and a cousin of mine who was in middle school was killed in a car accident. She was not very old to travel far away!

One step at a time ...

Just focus on putting one foot in front of the next,
We were told,
One foot in front of the next,
One foot in front of the next.

That is easy to do!
That is all we had to do.
That is all one has to do:

One step at a time.
One day at a time.
One goal at a time.

Then, you just keep going and going and going,
To the point that it hurts to stop.

The couple to watch tomorrow!

The world is awaiting the royal wedding tomorrow. Media is full of all sorts of news: which officials got invited, what cake they will have, what dress the bride will wear, she is doing her own make up? Why?

In the world of wars in Libya, Afghanistan,..., radiations in Japan, unrest in Syria, tornado in Alabama,...the world wishes to escape it all, crawl into a fairy tale story of a prince marrying a regular girl, the girl becoming a princess, and feeding girls the princess stories. Fashion, music, festivities, and all the glamor coming with it are fun and nice to watch. I love celebrations, creation of beauty, demonstrating and performing arts, I will probably watch parts of it myself. However, I do not think the royal young couple are the couple the world should set their eyes on tomorrow.

I beg to differ. Tomorrow, the world should be watching a different couple, learning from them, admire and cheer for them, celebrate them, and make them their kids' role models, not princes and princesses who are born royalty or become royalty by association. Rather those who reach for the stars despite all barriers and odds, who stand next to each other till death sets them apart. I am talking about the all American couple Senator Gabriell Giffords and Captain Mark Kelly.

It was less than four months ago, on January 8, 2011, that Senator Gabriell Giffords of Arizona was shot in the head while having a town hall meeting with her constituents on a weekend. Captain Kelly, her husband, was supposed to fly on STS-133 but the incident made him leave training and preparations at Huston to be next to his wife in Arizona, where he was told she might have 4-6 months to live. He did not fly with that mission. Every day he was next to her silent body, that eventually opened her eyes one day, communicated with her husband by rubbing his wedding band, telling him she knows him, loves him, she kept the tradition of defying odds, and encouraging her husband to continue making dreams reality.

Tomorrow, he will be the Captain of STS-134, the last flight of Endeavor, and his wife, miraculously and constantly improving, flew to Florida to be there at KSC and send him away, along with president Obama and 40,000 or more people at KSC, and the nation and hopefully the world watching them. I will be watching the launch from our auditorium with our own Senator Mikulski. I encourage you to watch history on Friday 3:47 pm EST on NASA TV too. The couple to watch tomorrow is not the royal couple, it is Mark Kelly and Gabriell Gifford, dedicated to their goals and ideals next to each other, moving forward!

Related:
Obama's moving speech at a nice ceremony for Arizona victims few days after the event (although I could not get the audience cheering at the beginning when people were killed and shot and mourning):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ztbJmXQDIGA

Turn of the events

When we meet a new person we admire and respect or simply like, when we work on getting to know them, or even better finding a new friend in them and we succeed, we get thrilled for having them in our lives, for them letting us be part of their lives. However, often times, we may learn that in fact we were meant to be in their lives in that point in time, that they needed us, more than we needed them, to open a new window, give some hope, lend a hand, or simply be there for them.

كفر به احساس

تمام شعرهاى دنيا گفته شد.
هر كس در هر عصرى،
همان شادى ها را چشيد و دردها را كشيد و سرود و رفت.

اگر شعر درمان نباشد چه؟
اگر شعر، ريشه دردها باشد چه؟

شايد بايد بى دين و ايمان شد،
كفر گفت به احساس،
برود پى كارش،
ديگر جرات نكند كسى را دست بيندازد.
نه تو را، نه من را، نه هر كس ديگرى را.

شايد بازار شعر بايد كساد شود.
مشتريانش كمتر، تلفاتش كمتر.
پيش از آن اما، در سوگ شعر شعرى بايد سرود.

خوش به حال دخترك

دخترك سه ساله با پدرش آمده بود تولد ناتالى 12 ساله، چون پدرهاشون دوست و فاميل بودند. دخترك با فارسى كتابى و شيرين حرف ميزد، و به خاطر اين هنر برترى داشت به ناتالى و ويكتوريا كه همه حرف هاى او را نميفهميدند. در جواب سوالات ميگفت بله. لباس زيبايى به تن داشت، و يك پاپيون قرمز بر سر. كلاسيك ترين تصويرى كه ميشود از يك دختر سه ساله ايرانى داشت. چندى نگذشت غريبى كرد. مامانش رو خواست. "بابا، بريم. بابا بريم خونمون. بابا شب شده، بريم خونمون."

خوش به حال دخترك، هر وقت ميخواست كافى بود به باباش بگه، باباش هم بغلش كنه و با هم برن خونشون كه همين نزديكى است پيش مامانش. خوش به حال دخترك كه نميداند ويكتورياى كوچك وقتى هم سن او بود چه ميكشيد وقتى دلش براى مامانش تنگ ميشد و نميتونست همون موقع بره پيش مامانش. خوش به حال دخترك كه نميداند آدم بزرگ ها هم با همه بزرگيشان نميتوانند هميشه هر وقت خواستند بروند خونشون. خوش به حال دخترك كه با يك كيك همه مشكلاتش حل شد و خوشحال شد و بعد هم رفت خونشون.

People that keep me going 2: Yuri's Night 2011

Last night the passionate intelligent cool space enthusiasts of D.C. gathered in Science Club to celebrate 50 years of man in space, anniversary of Yuri Gagarin's first flight to space. I find it Ironic that Americans celebrate victory of their competitors during cold war era; but this in itself I believe is something worth celebrating! In fact, Yuri's night celebrations and yurisnight.net was founded by an American and now it is annually celebrated in over 70 countries in 7 continents and 2 worlds and counting!

For some unknown reason the celebration at NASA was canceled this year. So, most space enthusiasts of the area were jammed in this narrow three-level club. The atmosphere was electrifying, cool, and fun. Science club with pictures of Einstein, shuttle launches, chalk boards, ... was the perfect venue. As unbelievable as it was, people were having drinks over loud music as one would in any bar, and proving theorems on the chalk board with space suits on! I am not kidding. One guy was trying to prove sum of natural numbers, when performing what today I learned is called a Ramanujan summation, is -1/12! and he had many hooked and engaged and it was all normal! Funny part is my reaction to this guy when claiming that 1 + 2 + 3 + 4+ ... is -1/12 is exactly as Ramanujan himself expected one would in his letter: "If I tell you this you will at once point out to me the lunatic asylum as my goal. I dilate on this simply to convince you that you will not be able to follow my methods of proof if I indicate the lines on which I proceed in a single letter."

The organizers did a great job. They had planned trivia question on space history, science fiction movies, and science and technology. Let's just say questions were designed for the special audience and were tough! If you thought I knew anything about space, think again. I did miserably on the first two sections; science and technology was my strong part. Good thing nothing is done alone in space industry and it is always the team work that counts and matter.

The most entertaining part was how questions were yelled out, teams reactions, jokes and comments made. It was all so loud, so happy, and yet educational. Going through the answers and realizing our mistakes was so fun whether it was yelling oh yeah, or aww, or a loud laugh. The energy of the speaker* who went through 45 questions and answers, 15 in each category, in the most entertaining and funny way you can imagine was very impressive. The whole event was only few hours but well planned, just the way we like it! Enough time to mingle and socialize, enough time for trivia, enough time for people to play with legos and build shuttles, enough time to drink and mingle more, enough time to say goodbyes. Everything was accounted for, and everything worked like clock work, just as we like it.

The gifts and souvenirs were the most precious ones for our crowd. Pictures of astronauts, CDs on missions,...., and above all for me the little miracle that happened. I had seen very nice little NASA pins people wear for formal presentations, meetings, or gatherings on their jacket; It was always on my mind that I should one day go to visitor center and buy one. The thing is the size of a penny and may cost 2-3 dollars. But it looks so nice and cute to wear in formal gatherings. Out of the blue in the dark loud bar, this librarian guy walks to me and hands me a NASA pin and just looks at me. As if I had asked him for one and he says here we go! "I always wanted one of these!", I tell him. "Well, Merry Christmas!" he says and goes away. We all know each other very well, without knowing each other!

It was past mid-night when I got home. You would think everyone would take it a little easy the next working day. No, everyone was just pumped up! Well deserved thanks were delivered to organizers, photos of the event were uploaded, the geeks who could not sleep well the night before because they could not work out the physics mathematical question requested the question to be posted on the event's facebook page, answers were discussed, and the esteemed organizer* announced there will be gatherings soon to start planning next year's event!

Yes, at the end it was all about planning. We did not have a wonderful time in a gathering of wonderful people in a great venue with great music by accident; It was planned for. A concept hardly understood and practiced in my Iranian world and culture. I am so glad for having been exposed to other worlds and ways of doing things.

* This guy's energy and enthusiasm was very impressive. After getting to know him last night, I saw some pictures of him in north pole on his profile. I thought maybe he was part of one of those Greenland/Iceland projects studying the ice levels, etc. and went to the field with the crew. He went with the crew all right; as company's janitor! He proudly listed this past job title and position on his LinkedIn profile. Gotta love his spirit and enthusiasm! Maybe he did it on purpose, so that one day as I can envision him being a project lead of a cool mission, he could say "I started as a janitor!". It reminded me of the classical story of President Kennedy meeting a janitor at NASA during Apollo era!

Where is my moon?

Monday morning,
Back to work,
Our mission:
Finding moons!
Dreams live on!

You

An apple proves gravity;
A rose, beauty;
A goldfish, joy;
A poem, you!

I am a woman!

I am a human,
Not a doll,
Nor a wall,
With an open mind,
A big brain,
A bigger heart,
And many opinions.
Get used to it.

گلهاى سرخ ما

بهار ها حياط خونه ما ميشد بهشت، ارديبهشت خود بهشت بود. چند تا بوته گل سرخ در باغچمون داشتيم. بوته كه چه عرض كنم، درخت هاى بزرگى شده بودند. بابا مرتب روى همه ميز ها، توى همه اتاق ها گلهاى خوش بو رو ميذاشت. هر چى به در و همسايه و فاميل ميداديم هم اين گل ها تموم نميشد. يادمه روز معلم هم كه 12 ارديبهشت بود براى معلم ها دسته هاى پر گل رز قرمز ميبردم. گلهاى سرخ ما معروف بودند، پر رنگ، خوشبو، با حال و زنده. انقدر خوشگل بودند كه يه بار وقتى يكيشون رو چيده بودم، ميخواستم همش باهام باشه. اون موقع ها كه بچه بودم بعداز ظهرها بعد ناهار ميخوابيدم. دلم نيومد گل رو بذارم كنار. روى بالش كنار خودم گذاشته بودم، خوابيده بودم. مامانم اومده بود چكم كنه وقتى خواب بودم، انقدر تحت تاثير قرار گرفته بود، كه با يك ماچ و صداى "قربون اين روح لطيفت برم كه با گل روى بالشت خوابيدى" بيدار شدم.

امروز دلم براى گلهاى سرخ خونمون، براى بهار خونمون تنگ شد. رفتم براى خودم گل خريدم. نه بو دارند، نه رنگ درست حسابى، نه اون خارهاى تيز. به عبارتى بى حال و بى بخارند. يه چايى مشتى هم ريختم با شكلات صفا ميكنم، بلكه دل خودم و خوش كنم.

تقصير تو نيست

تقصير تو نيست، تقصير روياهاى من است.
كه زيباترين ها را خيال ميكند،
در ذهنش به تصوير ميكشد،
و انقدر ميكشد و ميكشد،
كه باورش ميشود واقعيت است.

تقصير تو نيست، تقصير باورهاى من است،
كه به خوبى هاى تو اطمينان دارد،
و به قابليت هايت،
و باورنميكند هر كه اين ادعا را نقض كند،
حتى خودت.

People Who Keep Me Going 1: Dear Barb

Barb is a colleague of mine, rather a friend of mine I should say. I did not used to think of her as a close friend, or even one who paid attention to me, what I do, and how I am doing it. I first met her when I was having my on-site job interview over 9 years ago. She was one of the branch heads in the division at the time. I did not end up being hired into her branch. My rocket scientist supervisor announced in front of Barb and others: "I won you". I felt like a foster child being picked by her new mom. That is how strange they were all to me.

So, I started my first assignment as part of my official professional training. After six months I had to deliver my first project, present it in front of managers, demonstrate it, document it, and defend it like a thesis. Barb showed up at my presentation. I did not think much of her presence. I did not know any better.

During the same time I was admitted to a PhD program. I was sure of one thing: I wanted to go back to school. I was not sure how I was supposed to keep my job, do my course work and PhD research, and manage my finances. Go to school full time, work part time, or go to school part time and work full time. Should I quite my job? No ... no...no. Should I forget about PhD? No...no...no.

All of a sudden, I received an email from Barb. One I would have never dreamed of receiving. First, she congratulated me for passing the exam, my first professional training milestone and presentation. She had written "You know what was my favorite part of your presentation? When Mr. x asked something to the effect of is your software operational and you said Yes with such confidence! I am not sure if you have the same confidence in yourself as you do in your work but you should ..." The carefully written email, so thoughtful, and so personal. How had she figured me out so well? I did not even think she noticed me all this time. Then, after 2-3 paragraphs, the compelling reason for her writing to me showed up: "So, what is it now I hear about you going to graduate school and leaving us? ....your code can take us to Mars....", I could not believe my eyes. I was speechless. What had I done that she believed so much in me? I reassured her in my response that I was not leaving my chosen home, that I may just have to take some leave of absence when doing my course work.

That passed and our paths separated. I never really worked with or for her. She moved from our division to another to manage a satellite and I did not see much of her. Till she surprised me again when I emailed some friends and colleagues telling them I will be walking one and a half marathon to raise awareness for the fight against breast cancer and I needed their support with fund raising. She was among the first to donate, and later when I shared the link on my facebook page, I see her supporting me by sharing it with her friends with this message: "Friends, if Dr. Nargess says she's going to walk 36 miles (or whatever it is exactly) i KNOW that's exactly what she's going to do! Please help me get her to the starting line." Once again she did it! Appearing out of the blue just to support me; encourage me; believe in me beyond belief; give me confidence; and make me push the boundaries of my capabilities!

Barb is still a mystery to me. I do not recall even having a long conversation with her. I have very few memories of meeting with her, three of which are marked by memories of how she surprised me by her kind thoughtful remarks. Yet, she puts so much trust in me and gives so much positive energy, without me having given her much of my time or energy; well, nothing really compared to the time and energy I spend with many friends and family members. Her passion, belief, and energy makes everything look possible because you never ever want to disappoint her, to shatter her beautiful image of you in her mind.

Thank you Barb! Your thoughtful words time and again, exactly when I needed to hear them, have kept me going and going and going ...

A. W. Williams

It is a four level u-shape building. Computer engineering, electrical engineering, and computer science graduate students, faculty, staff, and post-docs live there. If you ask the PhD students, they will say it is dark, depressing, dirty, and smelly, not to mention the air is stuffed and does not flow well. If you ask the faculty it has spacious offices, with good view, specially the corner offices. I think they all agree it is colorless and dull. I think gray is the word. Yes, it is gray. I always associated A. V. Williams with gray. Its view even though the bricks try to distract you from the gray sides, its dirty carpets inside, the depression and pressures floating around, it is gray all over.

There has been many efforts to change this grayness throughout the years. Fancy coffee lounges were opened on first and forth floor. A place for students and faculty to escape their cubicles, chat over a cup of tea or coffee, and maybe play some Foosball to release some stress. Some more improvements occurred after my time there. They painted the walls of the first floor red and yellow, for the school colors. They have put fancy monitors showing the directory of the building. They have tried so hard to add color and excitement to this gray building. Somehow, I think it still lacks life, it misses natural light, natural air, and natural happiness despite all their efforts.

You see, every inch of this building is holding so many memories and sacrifices of so many people over the years that no amount of paint can cover. Many came through the doors of this building for the first time after a very long journey, from far places like China, India, Iran, Germany, Turkey, Korea, Greece, Albania, Bulgaria, ... . In fact I knew someone who flew for the first time in his life, crossing the oceans just to get there. They came with such high hopes, leaving behind their loved ones, everything they knew, risking it all for a better life, education, and knowledge.

It was not long before this building betrayed them. It became a prison separating them from the life that was continuing happily behind its walls. It separated them from their loved ones. It deprived them of everything as vital and necessary as light and air. Then, little by little they started adapting, defining, and forming their own lives there. They fell in love there. God knows how many girls appeared behind an office door just to exchange greetings with that guy as he was done with his office hours or coming out of a lecture. How many guys went in and out of the lounge in a short period of time over and over, every time with a different excuse, just to grab a chance to talk to that girl who was taking a break over a cup of tea with her friends or was trying hard to work on a homework problem with her classmates, only if he could let her to. How many times he checked her through the half-closed door of her office to see if she is still there or not, who she is talking to, when will she leave so that he accidentally bumps into her. How many times he audited a class just so that he could borrow her notes, discuss homework and projects with her. How many notes, little chocolates, and candies were left on the keyboards to pleasantly surprise that cute girl or guy. You see, everyone was going crazy in that building. Such a small area, so much young, fresh, intelligent passionate energy. In fact, one student almost had a heart attack when unlocking her office door only to find her lab mate making out.

The hopeless romantics that they were, they were soon heartbroken in the same building. It would not take long for him to see her going home with another and ignoring him. In fact, he could see flowers she received on Valentine's Day strategically placed on a table in front of the door. Oh, and how many shed tears in the bathrooms, behind the monitors in their very own cubicles, their precious territory as little as it was, when they sensed the look they were looking forward to had died; or when a mother had sent her baby away with the grandparents for a few months back home just so that she could finish that dissertation. She could not stop crying in the office; cursing and blaming herself for what she did. Or when he heard his father was in bad condition and he better get home soon if he wanted to see him one last time. People's hearts were constantly broken, and those walls, those dirty couches, those nasty carpets witnessed everything.

Love, hate, jealousy, sadness were not the only emotions that people felt and lived through there. One of the big ones was Fear. Hundreds have been questioned and answered behind closed doors of each of the meeting and conference rooms there. They were not defending just a thesis there. They were defending and claiming years of their lives, the sacrifices they made, losses they had endured, justifying the pain they went through. What if it all was not worth it? What if they do not find it worthy? Fear of rejection, from love, from all those things you gave up to be accepted at this last critical point, from passing through this final destination.

There was another worldly type of fear too. When you are coding away and working hard and you receive an email saying there is a gunman in the building, asking you to close the office doors and not get out until the next email. A gunman who could not tolerate all the grayness anymore; who blamed the professors and was angry at every authority in that building. When a sniper is loose in the area and you are afraid to move to/from that nasty building. The fear of thieves stealing a laptop that cost God knows how many weeks of your salary. Fear of not being able to afford the school, to graduate, fear of being trapped in that gray building forever.

A. V. Williams; you can check in, but you can never check out. Many ghosts, fairy tales, horror and success stories float there.

My Life as a Female Engineer 1

It is often not what someone says or does, rather a look you receive, a feeling in the span of a few seconds, that will be not respectful. When the young hopeful and arrogant undergraduate summer intern, originally from a country where majority of women are still submissive and second class citizens, from a prestigious school arrives and is introduced to you, a young petite female with a weird name, as his mentor and supervisor, and you see a disappointing look; one that does not trust your knowledge, capabilities, or that you could teach him anything. When day after day, you give him guidance on his assignment, check on him if he has any questions, and you get a simple nod that everything is ok, with a face that says "how could you help anyways". You give him some time to adjust and explore the problem. You are aware that he is not making any progress, and you know he has too much pride to come to you. Yet, you give him the chance by showing up at his desk every few days, to give him the opportunity, "Do you have any questions?", "How did you handle such and such part?", "Here are some good references by the way on this problem". Nods, oks, do not bother me and take my time looks are all you receive.

Till one fine day, he comes to you with a desperate look "there is a bug I have not been able to fix", and you know he has been struggling with it for a long time and has not been able to make any progress, and he had no other choice but to let you know. You go, take a look at his code, locate the lines the compiler is complaing about, and in a minute you see the problem. "You see this line where you declared ... how do you think the compiler interprets this?",..., pause, thinking, responses from him, " and you see how you are using it later here?", a light bulb turns on in his brain and you see his whole face shining. "Did you mean that?", I ask him. No, we both know. He fixes that line, compiles, runs, get the desired outcome, and for the first time you hear him say "Thank you", a heart felt one too, and the look on his face when looking at you is never like before anymore.

You keep going, one day at a time, one brain at a time. So many things have to be earned.

Godspeed Discovery!

I am few hours away,
From seeing the dreams of yesterday,
The hopes of today,
And the reality of tomorrow*,
All in one place.

A childhood friend,
Now a mother with a baby girl,
And me,
Have a hot date watching
Discovery fade away
For the last time in its long history.

Bon Voyage Discovery!
You have been more than great.
"Light this candle, make it right!"

------------------------------
* Referring to Robert Goddard's famous quote: "It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow."

سنگى در دريا

دل من تنگ است و
دل تو سنگ.

سنگى ميشوم برايت
بسى سخت.
همين راميخواستى، نه؟

نه! تو ميخواهى سنگى،
نه، صخره اى باشى در دريا
موج ها بيايند و بروند
گاهى مهربان،
گاهى خشمگين.
گاهى برايت بنوازند،
گاهى لرزه بر اندامت بيندازند.

و تو همان طور آرام،
ساكت،
بى تحرك،
استوار بمانى،
و از اين همه تكاپو به وجد آيى،
و پايدارى ات را، قدرتت را،
به رخ دريا بكشى;
غافل از اينكه دريا، از سكوت و سكون متنفر است.
دريا، عاشق همنوايى و همراهى است.

حيف كه نميدانى
دريا با تو مهربان است
در چشم به هم زدنى
در روزى كه خيلى دور نيست
اگر اراده كند
تمام شن هاى زيرت را خالى خواهد كرد
و تو به پوچى تمام ادعاهايت پى خواهى برد.

دل دريا در يك سنگ نميگنجد،
و اين حقيقتى است گاهى تلخ.

Reality and dreams!

"The world of a filmmaker is marked by the interplay between reality and dreams. The filmmaker uses reality as his inspiration, paints it with the color of his imagination, and creates a film that is a projection of his hopes and dreams.

The reality is I have been kept from making films for the past five years and am now officially sentenced to be deprived of this right for another twenty years. But I know I will keep on turning my dreams into films in my imagination. I admit as a socially conscious filmmaker that I won’t be able to portray the daily problems and concerns of my people, but I won’t deny myself dreaming that after twenty years all the problems will be gone and I’ll be making films about the peace and prosperity in my country when I get a chance to do so again.

The reality is they have deprived me of thinking and writing for twenty years, but they can not keep me from dreaming that in twenty years inquisition and intimidation will be replaced by freedom and free thinking.

They have deprived me of seeing the world for twenty years. I hope that when I am free, I will be able to travel in a world without any geographic, ethnic, and ideological barriers, where people live together freely and peacefully regardless of their beliefs and convictions.

They have condemned me to twenty years of silence. Yet in my dreams, I scream for a time when we can tolerate each other, respect each other’s opinions, and live for each other.

Ultimately, the reality of my verdict is that I must spend six years in jail. I’ll live for the next six years hoping that my dreams will become reality. I wish my fellow filmmakers in every corner of the world would create such great films that by the time I leave the prison I will be inspired to continue to live in the world they have dreamed of in their films.

So from now on, and for the next twenty years, I’m forced to be silent. I’m forced not to be able to see, I’m forced not to be able to think, I’m forced not to be able to make films.

I submit to the reality of the captivity and the captors. I will look for the manifestation of my dreams in your films, hoping to find in them what I have been deprived of."

Open letter from Jafar Panahi - On the occasion of the Opening of the 61st Berlinale

Salve

Last night I saw the movie Salve or "مرهم" in Farsi by Alireza Davoodnejad. It was a well-made movie. For the most part, I was shocked by the characters in the movie. How everyone spoke by yelling at each other, how the youth in Tehran entertained themselves, how they would betray each other, and yet despite all that how easily they trusted each other again. It was as if I was seeing a foreign movie myself, not one from my own hometown. I felt detached and experienced culture shock. However, the moral story of the movie and the way it was conveyed was a masterpiece.

Davoodnejad showed the power of choice, the difference between being an observer and active participant, and the power of love so beautifully. The love that does not know any barriers of distance or generation gap. The love of an old religious grandmother who shadows her addicted granddaughter just to be there for her if she needed her. The love that makes her go to the most unlikely places for a woman of her age. She is everything to the granddaughter who was punished by her own father and abandoned by her so called lover and friends. The presence of the old religious seemingly cold and detached grandmother is all that girl needs to be saved: someone who loves her and cares for her.

من درك نميكنم، لطفا من را روشن كنيد.

اگر جلوى چشم شما يك نفر را بخواهند دار بزنن چى كار ميكنين؟ چشم هاتون رو ميبندين و گوش هاتون و ميگيرين؟ يا مثل فيلم سينمايى دنبالش ميكنين و تخمه ميشكونين؟ يا اينكه سعى ميكيند اجرا كنندگان حكم رو منصرف كنيد، حتى اگر نتيجه اى نداشته باشه. يا داد و بيداد راه ميندازيد و شهر و شلوغ ميكنيد تا همه بفهمن چه فاجعه اى داره رخ ميده، تا حد اقل كسى غير از شما هم بدونه كى كى چى كار كرد. بلكه آدمهاى ديگه اومدن كمك، ، تا اعدامچى را منصرف كنند، يا اگر نشد تهديد كنند، عواقب بدى رو بهش خاطر نشان كنند، بى آبروش كنند، يا شايد هم حد اقل سرش و گرم كنند و گولش بزنن و شخص محكوم رو فرارى و پناه بدن؟

ماه گذشته هشتاد نفر در ايران اعدام شدن. ما جز تماشا چه كرديم؟ در ايران صدا و سيما تحت كنترل دولته، اينترنت فيلتره، بهونه ما در خارج چيه؟ صداى خانواده هاشون رو به گوش دنيا رسونديم يا نه؟ نميشه بگيد نميدونستيم. من نميفهمم كسى كه روزى صد بار فيس بوك رو چك ميكنه، در باره هر مقاله و آهنگ و حرف دوستى كامنت ميده، چطور چشمش رو براى كمپين نجات يك جوان بى گناه ميبنده؟ از نظر نوع دوستى و انسان دوستى، فرقى نميكنه كه شخص مال كجاى دنيا باشه، اما اگر هموطنتون هست، هم دانشگاهيتون بوده، هم دوره ى بوديد، هم رشته اى هم هستيد، اگر شما كمك نكنيد، كى قراره بكنه؟ فكر نميكينيد واقعا ممكن بود سر خود شما بياد؟ الان بيشتر از 1000 نفر اين كمپين رو امضا كرده اند:

http://saeedmalekpour.freepoliticalprisoners.net/index.php

هيچ فايده يى هم كه نداشته باشه سعيد ملكپور و خانواده اش ميدونند كه تنها نيستند، اميد ميگيرند، روحيه ميگيرند. خاموشى گناه ماست. اعتراض به بى عدالتى ها در كمال امنيت و آسايش كمترين كاريست كه ميتونيم بكنيم. خيلى دوست دارم دليل چشم بستن و سكوت دوستان مطلع، مخصوصا شريفى ها رو بدونم. من درك نميكنم، لطفا من را روشن كنيد. شما چه هزينه اى حاضريد بپردازيد تا بى عدالتى ها و ظلم ريشه كن بشه؟ تايپ كردن يك اسم چقدر براى شما گران تمام ميشود وقتى بيشتر از هزار نفر اين كار رو كرده اند؟