I believe humanity was born from conflict. Maybe that's why in all of us lives a dark side. Some of us choose to embrace it. Some have no choice. The rest of us fight it. But in the end, it's as natural as the air we breathe. At some point, all of us are forced to face the truth. Ourselves.

"Fame will go by and, so long, I've had you, fame. If it goes by, I've always known it was fickle. So at least it's something I experience, but that's not where I live." - Marilyn Monroe

On a random chord, a poly friend of mine just got married. Either she's really fast or i need to sign up for dating websites.

I was found lost.

I made you a promise, and i'm intending on keeping it, even if it leads nowhere.

quote, unquote.

This post is nearly twenty four days overdue, but Happy New Year everyone. Let’s hope it’s a good one without any fear.

Have you ever had the feeling somedays where you’re playing keepie-uppies with the whole world on your feet and you’re trying to keep it all up in the air, and you somehow get the feeling that you’re gonna drop the ball soon and you panick and bounce it extra hard to keep it in the air; and ironically its always that final desperate touch that loses you the ball and your whole world?

It feels like a million things are pulling me apart at the same time, and I’m not man enough to justify myself to all those things and people that need me. I’m starting to feel like Jon Foreman’s opening line for Revenge all over again.

There all so many people I should be accountable to right now but it seems as if everything is screwing up one after another, and I’m pulling all the stops and burning them out in an attempt to give everybody what they need, but somehow at the end of the day I fail everyone yet again.

I want to win. I want to get through the day without the feeling that I’m failing everyone. I want to light up something in all those people who mean something to me, but I can’t shake off this thought that I’m a bitter disappointment.

I wrestled the angel for more than a name, but now it seems as if I have nothing but.

Recent conversations have led me thinking about the events that wrenched me from and led me back to unfamiliar arms, and I can’t say I’m complete.

I ended two lives when I pulled the trigger, and one of them was mine.

Immunity.

So, I’ve been thinking about this whole being happy thing, and I feel like people get lost when they think of happiness as a destination. We’re always thinking that someday we’ll be happy; we’ll get that car or that job or that person in our lives that will fix everything. But happiness is a mood, and it’s a condition, not a destination. It’s like being tired or hungry, it’s not permanent. It comes and goes, and that’s okay. And I feel like if people thought of it that way, they’d find happiness more often.

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

Merry Christmas and Happy 2010!

As always, i would end the year and start one with a reflection, with each year I resolve with the strongest intent to be better this year than the last.

But with this new year i just know if wicked things beckon, and i’m not so strong, if i weaken and fall on my ast, i’ll be thankful again that you’ll help me along. Faithful as before, as you have been during all new years past.

Looking back on the months gone by, as a new year starts and an old one ends, I contemplate what brought me joy and forget what brought me despair.

2010 wasn't the most eventful of years, but it did mark the closing of a chapter and a beginning of another.

unshakeable - finally over. but i have to admit, it came with great painful truth.

this year, just like any mystical creature, i'll emerge stronger and wiser from the ashes.

As i continue to live my personal theme for 2010/11 - Even greater, faith, blessed to be a blessing. Let me add one more core to it all; Let Go and Let God.

Anger, frustrations, disappointments, angst, sadness, grief of 2010- let go and let god. And if there's any injustice in my life, God will be my vindication.

A few entries ago, i blogged about forgiveness. Ha, i have to say, eating the humble pie to forgive isn't as easy as i portrayed it to be.

But unforgivness kills and it only deepens your mire.

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I'm not even done with the christmas cards yet and everytime i read them, it only reminds me of the great friends i have, at the same time reminding me how much i need to work on being a great friend to others. I love cards, but i take the longest time to read them cause my swollen-teary eyes accompanied with guilt would always call for a break before moving on to the next.

It's these cards that gets me going. So thank you for all your cards/letters/emails. You do not know the impact of encouragement it has on me.

Two nights ago was the first of many 21st birthdays to come, which in reality is pretty frightening because we're all getting older.

i.m 21 this year. all ready to vote for PAP. in the next worldcup hopefully, i'll be watching with my own family. (:

P.S my sister is finding a spouse for me. i wish i could say i trust her taste but the options she gave me was just regurgitating.