291. without notice

I am moving my blog here .

so if you're still interested in reading/finding out what kinda person i am/who my life is. pls do pop on by. and if you still wanna read this blog, well it'll still be here.. just not updated.

Tks
 

Courage

I'm turning 22 this year, and sometimes when I think about how I've grown, from a little boy.. I'd like to think I've grown into a courageous young man. Bigger, stronger, fierce and not afraid of anything. But sometimes, I realize I'm just a coward. Sure I may have grown from a kid, not afraid of falling, yet so afraid of failing.

I'm so afraid, I can't even admit my mistakes.. set things right. I'm so afraid of failing, I forget what's more important in life.

Hence I can only pay for my inabilities and actions. When I was a kid, I was timid, I was always afraid.. but for the many instances I can remember I always stood for what was right, I didn't care what people think. Now I do care what people think, no matter how I wish I didn't.

I am but a shadow of the boy I once was..

Oh courage, won't you let me make the right decisions.

tlc

I went to the dentist today. The camp dentist..

To check out my wisdom tooth, hence on the 22nd i'll be going to ndc to let the dental surgeon cut open my gums n pry out my lower right tooth.

Anyway.. The dentist today was nice. She also helped me do some maintenance, cleaning.. and caused some areas of my gums to bleed like hell, (but i didn't really feel it) and now that area is a little sensitive to cold water, and the cold air. Sitting in the inclined chair, there was always a lot knee jerks and bad experiences from the past.

but this dentist was different. It probably helped that I think she looked nice (there's a difference between looking nice and looking pretty) when I say she looks nice, I mean it in a nice way. Like she couldn't possibly be capable of anything evil and will be gentle and kind to my teeth. Which she was. Now I can't really tell you if she's pretty, cause she was all scrubbed up, shower cap, face mask, ppe.. She also had that reassuring tone in her voice, which all dentist should learn to adopt. not the intimidating, 'hehe I'm gonna cause you lots of hurt' kinda tone.

She also never pried open my mouth with lotsa force like most dentist do. you can't open your mouth wide enough for them to see some places and they just have to force it open, geez learn to be gentle with people's mouth. She was gentle.. I've never felt so safe sitting on a dentist' chair

well overall there's no taking away the pain.. but there was less knee jerk this time. I was calmer.

dear diary

Dear diary,

I don't have to read my previous few post to realize how messily written it must be. Makes no sense, and is probably a pain to read. I'm sorry that I had to put it all down on your pages. Fact is I've been struggling with myself lately, I don't know who to be. It's like I suddenly forgot how to be a person, the fundamentals of life, or do they even exist ? see I'm drifting off topic into the abyss yet again.

and there's always been something thats bothering me. I thought it could be work stuff.. personal stuff, other stuff.. but I'm fixing em all up one by one and well.. it's still there, a thorn in my side !.. the really really personal stuff.

Something that means so much to me, and I choose to ignore it hoping that the answers will fall from the sky.

People drift apart, it's part of life.. Shit happens, or people just grow cold.. why is it so hard for me to just say, that I really value our friendship, the parts that were real.

Its easy.

I attended my cousin's wedding tonight. Not really a close cousin and the crowd was well.. unfamiliar.

I hate it when you go to these functions where you don't know 90% of the people. Sure I could hang around with family, chat a little with uncles and aunties whom I only speak to about 2 times a year ? Otherwise what do I do ? mingle with strangers?, wouldn't be that weird if I could find someone my age. or , I could just be the fun guy around kids. kids are easy to entertain, but as wedding nights go on past their bed time, they just want to lie on mommy's lap.

Otherwise I could try to chat up the pretty waitress. There's gotta be one, every hotel you go has to have a pretty waitress, its just statistics. She looks pretty young too but she's working, rushing up and down the isle. There's also a factor of trying to pick up a girl in front of your parents, (not cool)

It was difficult, but in all boredom and booze, i plotted to get this girl's phone number. Plotted is the key, cause I never acted. Had but 1 chance when I got up from my seat and our paths crossed. She was walking way to fast, I muttered a weak 'hello' which was drowned out by the music. The setting just wasn't right. She was working really busy, I stuck out like a sore thumb and was no where in the 'confidence zone' It could never happen. besides she never looked at me even once.

still as I think back, it could've been so easy. all I had to do was, well I can't go into details. It's the past, past always seem easy.

I'll do it tomorrow.

Hey.

I've been here a few times the past week, but I had nothing to say.. Correction.

There's alot of things I wish to get off my chest and stuff, so much that I can't remember, but I actually have nothing that I want you guys (my readers, if there's any at all) to know. and also once I write it down here, it actually becomes 'real'.. and I can't 'live in denial'

It's ironic. I thought after all this time waiting for my ord time.. everything will just fall into place.. It's ord, what could go wrong. thing is I gotta get my disarrayed life together. soon. I don't feel like doing it cause everything feels hopeless, and there are loose ends everywhere.

and thats it... There's my problem.. I'm trying to start things. but I've got too many loose ends.. My legs are tired..

My legs are just tired.

I wasn't home last night

I saw a beach party on msia last night.

I could hear it from where I was. In Sg.. The music blasting through the silence of where I was. The lights dazzling .. Then sometime after midnight, they suddenly stopped. and it was dark again.

I suddenly remembered the time I got drunk on a beach. It was totally awesome. and I had met this chick whom I thought was gonna be the one. which I was of course wrong. but ohh such joyful times..