Grief, Interrupted...

My sweet girl Destiny.  This week I finally fulfilled my last earthly obligation to you... the financial matters of your medical bills.  It took every resource I had left, and many sleepless nights, but this past Monday I sent via priority mail payment in full.  "Destiny's Credit Card" is finally laid to rest.

And I have wept every day since as if it is the day I lost you.

Most people would be elated to pay off a bill.  It would be such a relief to have the burden and the anxiety finally lifted off their shoulders.  Celebration would be in order.  For me, it's left a new sense of loss that is as fresh as the day I said goodbye.  You see, my friend... I no longer have to take care of you.  You ran free on January 16th, 2009.  I finally got set free this week... and its an odd feeling that I just don't know what to do with.  No more fretting... no more worrying... the treatments we started back in the spring of 2008 are finally ... finally finished. 

In a way, I am grateful that I had the distraction of financial upset right after losing you.   Losing my job four days after saying goodbye to you wasn't easy... but it gave me something to focus on.  All my energy went into staying afloat - I had to press on.  Now that urgency is gone, and my mind seems to want to time travel back and mourn you all over again.  My grief was interrupted...


So, sweet girl, while my earthly obligation is done, rest assured I still haven't forgotten my promise to you of living out our adventures.  Now that all the fretting and worrying has been laid to rest, I want to focus on new projects.  My vision is to pay this experience forward, help other Dog-mas who are in need, who face either saying goodbye to their loyal companions or costly medical bills and are forced to choose.  I don't know what steps I need to take to get there, but I know you will be guiding me on the trail.

Run Free...

Its a Matter of Trust....

I've been thinking about you so much lately. It was exactly 4 years ago today that you and I moved into our new little apartment to start our new life. You would have followed me anywhere... you trusted me.

When you got sick, you also trusted me to take care of you. You knew I could do it. You had no idea the doubts I had in my mind when I agreed to the thousands of dollars worth of care that was to be administered to you. The doubt wasn't ever if you were worth it ... you were worth every penny, and more. I was just so fearful that I was doing the wrong thing, asking too much of you, putting you through too much. You trusted me and I trusted the doctors. We all trusted each other. With that trust, I signed an application for a Care Credit Card, and the people who extended me credit trusted I would pay them back.

After spending three nights at the veterinarian hospital, you trusted me even more. Once you were home, you willingly laid down in front of me and let me inexpertly jab you with needles and patiently waited as sub-q fluids filled your skin. You also trusted I would always sing to you and give you a Frosty Paws ice cream as a treat when you were done. I trusted that you would get better, and you amazed me every day.

For nine more months, you trusted me that I would help you live out your last days in dignity, you would be comfortable, and happy. On your last day you trusted me to carry you into the vets office, lay you down on a bed, and sing you to sleep one last time.

Four days later, I lost my job. I was actually relieved that you were at rest, because at that time, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to support myself, let alone take care of you too. I always believed you somehow knew that, and left knowing I was going to be ok. You reassured me you Found Paradise.... and you trust that one day I will find it too.

The people who trusted me to pay them back the credit that was extended to me for your care still have not been paid in full, and are now taking me to court. You know more than any other soul on earth that I can be trusted to pay them back, and now I need to prove to a Judge that I am a person who does not irresponsibly rack up debt and shirk my responsibilities. I trust you will be there with me in spirit Destiny, giving me strength to plead my case.

If I had to do it all over again, knowing the stress, anxiety, fear and worry I've had to go through with this debt hanging over my head... I would not change a thing... because the last nine months I had you with me, my sweet, sweet girl.... was worth it. Trust me.

Our Adventures live on...

This blog will remain as a memorial for my sweet girl Destiny, and I may update it from time to time... but I hope you friends will join us over at my new blog:

Paradise Found:
http://mycillyparadise.blogspot.com/


Keep up on the day to day awakenings and discoveries of Destiny's human - Cilly, and the spunky antics of Lexi! Fulfilling my promise to my girl, our adventures live on....