Friday, July 07, 2006
Hello, I declare this blog officially dead. I have found a better place. Thanks for coming anyway.
I flew @ 5:37 AM
Monday, May 29, 2006
Bloody hell
Can we please have ONE day go by without your incessant yelling and chiding; game over, idiot, your time's up and I'm terribly tired of listening. It's like PRISON here, I can't do ANYTHING without you kicking a fuss. You actually made me feel GUILTY, stupid me, goodness; GUILTY for going out, it's not like I'm in the middle of term, it's not like I don't deserve a break. Then I realised, hell, whatever; I'm not doing anything wrong. Even if you had said I couldn't go, I actually would have anyway, at least something good comes out of being scolded; becuase if I had nto gone, I would have been scolded for even asking anyway. I'm sorry, I'm not your goodie two shoes, stay at home mild daughter you want; it's been only 16 years, it's about time you deal with it. Dammit, I cannot stand the way you THINK you're always so right, you're always so powerful when your own life ain't much less screwed up than the rest of us. I blame myself for giving you that impression though, I sometimes let you get to me, and let it change my mood or produce a knee jerk reaction; and the more you think you're winning, the more I let you THINK you're winning, the worse you get. I cannot wait to cut the strings and fly away; when you'll have no choice but to trust that I make decisions that I think are best for myself, no choice but to trust that I won't screw my life up; so don't blame me if I say I hate you, I'm keeping those 3 words from falling from my lips.
Whoa, friends really ARE bullshit. We might as well have been sitting at 2 ends of the cinema, honestly. And lunch, that was out of necessity, right? I'm sorry I even said I wanted to spend time with you; sorry for myself, that is, for being such a sucker, and for having wasted time hurting. Saving grace was that the movie wasn't half that bad. So, discussing my nick, eh? GOOD that you notice, idiot. And you fell asleep? Brilliant. I was walking round PS for the half hour thinking that you were in the middle of sth IMPORTANT. Then, the bombshell- you had to go meet someone else at half past 5, then why say you'd come in the first place, DAMMIT? You both had to meet someones, now wouldn't that be great if I found out that the someones were EACH OTHER. Fantastic, honestly, you two. I'm flying in two days; under normal circumstances I'd say I'll miss you, but now it's no more that a long pent-up hooray. A break from you 2, so you can go initiate your own little merry fun. Three means nothing to you, doesn't mean much to me anymore EITHER. So we're cool, and we'll keep it at that.
God, why is this world so grey? Please have mercy on the innocent victims of the quake, I pray that their lives can one day, at Your mercy, go back to normal. God, please empower me to help them, God, I really want to but it's like I never could. Something, God, just something I can do; so that I tire my back and arms and heart doing good and serving and pleasing You. Bring me closer to You, God, please. I see less and less light here in this temporary stopover till I meet You and where You've destined me to be; please God, bring me on the right path Home, the right path of the Light, the way to You. InsyaAllah.
I flew @ 4:52 AM
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Today opened my eyes to what a shit I've been.
In the morning was the usual torment over the phone. Bahh, whatever; it's back up at least. Then I was really down and shit in school. Messaged them to say sorry; think it was fine after that.
Then the wake. I realised how I've left God at the back of my mind; how I've been an ungrateful mortal too arrogant to think of Him and what He's done for me to get me where I am. And to think that to remember Allah, I had to be tested for the strength of my faith. I am disgusting.
And so I prayed, real hard, to keep out what I didn't want to hear- somehow today, I felt God was listening. Like He was giving me a second shot to call out. Sorry, Allah, for having been so ignorant, how could I ever just forget and choose to remember only when I need You; all this when all along, You never forgot about me. Please God, I surrender unto You and the plans You have for me. Please God, bring me closer to You and on the path to You. This world is just a stopover, till You decide the time is right for me to return to You. I love You, Allah; like how You've loved me all sixteen years of my being here. Thank You for all that You've given; please take me closer to You, engulf me in the warmth of Your light and show me the path straight back to You.
Amin.
I flew @ 5:25 AM
Thursday, May 25, 2006
'Say it if it's worth saving me; hurry I'm falling" - Nickelback
Dammit, cut off my phone lah, I'll fix it dammit. I use the damn thing out of NECESSITY, please, to call YOU and so YOU can call me; and also to preserve my freaking SANITY when you're driving me and around the wall, day after day. Your little plans and ideas are ridiculous, they are ABSOLUTELY insane and uncalled for. Yeah you don't care if I'm out in teh rain for 10 hours; bloody hell you're lucky nothing happened, and if something actually did, I'd be smiling to see you regret. Whatever, I'm dreading having to spend so much time with you; every day is a freaking battle in this house, I'm so used to it I don't give a shit anymore. To be fair, no this house is not breaking apart, people are doing their jobs; but the happiness and shit IS. Because every day is a new squabble. Yes, I'm learning to manage, damnit. I cry ALONE, far from where you can see me and attempt to delve or confide in these things people call 'friends' whatever they are and whatever it actually really means. I can't wait for the term to be over so that I can get a break from your whining, your pintpointing and from beign the victim of your shitload of words that do nothing more than kill what 'spirit' that's left in me. I hate you, at least I think I do; pleas just shut up and leave me alone. You know what's the worst in cutting off the phone line? I lose contact with the world that actually cares; the REAL world where I'm more comfortable and at peace making mistakes. Shut up with your 'concern' over my grades- you don't give a shit about anything else, every DAMN day you find SOMEWAY to rope that in- your grades suck, your grades suck, your grades suck. I get it dammit, now just stuff it and get off my back, please. And stop driving me further into this SHITHOLE. Oh I am going to do this that, in JC, NO NO MORE OF THIS THAT AND THE OTHER, you BETTER do this that and the other; dammit, you think threats work best? Look where that drove me the last time, I swear if God didn't put something in my heart that made me remember what He tells me, I would have done it. Or I would have done soemthing else to remove from this situation. This damn place gets colder, every day, I stand more and more alone. I KNOW I'm drifting away but what's worse is that it doesn't feel wrong to drift away, I feel better knowing I'm tied up less and less to you everyday. It feels right-er this way; somehow, I think it makes me easier to completely remove myself from situations where there is clash. Bleah, whatever.
Why is that my reponse to everything these days.
I flew @ 3:36 AM
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Hello blog. My GRADES ARE DISMAL. Bloody disappointment, you are, self. HAI. Get your life back together, please, and quick. So you don't suffer anymore bad grades. And byebye phone, dad's cutting off my line. BIll was sky high apparently. Whatever lah, let's just see how this unfolds. I am thoroughly tired of this rollercoaster ride ANYWAY. THREE DAYS TO END OF TERM, I cannot wait. I am EXHAUSTED. In every possible sense of that word, really. Haii. Well anyway, my little situation with my little friend is I don't know. I'm tired of fighting it out. God, please decide for me where this friendship goes and please God, bring into my life a friend I can REALLY REALLY trust my heart, mind and life with. It's getting colder and lonelier where I'm standing, please God bring me closer to You and the warmth of Your care. Amin.
I flew @ 2:00 AM
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Oh so now I totally scare you. Screw you, bitch. I HATE your GUTS. A simple SORRY does the trick, if you'd suck up your fucking ego and apologise. THANK YOU for making me losing faith in something I THOUGHT I had, idiot me, fucking idiot me actually THOUGHT there WAS something. HONESTLY, NOW. I cannot stand you. And your lies. Oh "till beyond university"? Hell yeah, I'll know you till then; I'll know you for the bitch who hurt me so bad when I was 16, the bitch who taught me to see the world for what it is. Someone come over and take me away from the 2 of you, please and quick, and fix me up. You, idiot, FORGET about next Sunday, not gonna happen; go get your fucking birthday present of HER and let that be the last thing I ever see of you. I've got OTHER people to go spend time with, since YOU don't honestly give a SHIT either. And get this- I'm GLAD we're not on the same flight; go do your scheming bitching together, I DON'T CARE. I'm GLAD I don't have to spend another night in a hotel with you, so I don't have to look at your stupid face and be hurt by the way you'll end up treating me, spend 26 hours wishing that you'll do something nice, for ME for a fucking change- because guess what, you don't matter anymore. Get OUT of my life, now, quick, I should have never given you that spot in the first place. Look I didn't even use the words LOVE YOU once, in this whole blodyd entry. I don't see a need to, it would be lying if I did. Happy now, bitches? Now, bugger off and go bother someone else.
I flew @ 9:41 PM
Friday, May 19, 2006
Bitch.
Yeah, that's what you are. After all this time, I never thought we'd be here- yeah in this shithole we cver up in front of people. You walked around in my shoes? you LOVE me? Bitch, don't even fucking use that word, you have no idea what it means.
Yesterday, I cried not because other people around me were, not because I was emotional over what I had to do yesterday, but because after telling them what being batchmates means, I realised that I do not see that in you, at all, neither of the 2 of you. Batchmates don't make each other feel SMALL or like crap. Even SHE knows it, the innocent party and victim of your ploys- yeah, VICTIM cos one day you'll fucking forget about her and move on, like you do to everyone else. I call it your PHASES, yeah one time one person. So long as the I love yous last for 3 days, that's enough for you isn't it.
You know why I wanted to leave early from your place? Because I couldn't stand looking at your face so cold and so BLAND when you look back in me, almost in disgust that I'm even standing there. Because I couldn't help but notice the disparity in how they were being treated, as compared to how I was. I couldn't help but secretly EXPECT, stupid me, that because I SUPPOSEDLY meant something more to you, there was something special for me. You made me feel SMALL, idiot, so small I was disgusted looking at myself. And then, wow, didn't occur to you to that I was looking, did it?
Then yesterday. Scolding them was made so much easier because I had so little pretending to do, thinking of how you've treated me was about enough to get me in that frame of mind. You stood there, RIGHT NEXT TO ME and saw me in tears. DID YOU CARE?! of course not, there were more important people to tend to. That night, when you messaged me after the whole minute-taking affair, I prayed to God to say thanks; I thought that perhaps, we were finally getting through each other. Chilling reminder of the time I came to you that lunch in tears and you had your arms folded like I was just a waste of your time. You only drive me lower than where I was when I came to you- so maybe not. One question bitch, when you're down and out, are they there to worry about you and help see you through it? Does anyone actually even realyl care? AS much as you DON'T let me in, but I keep trying and annoying the hell outta you in doing so, does anyone else actually even try? You said yourself, very few people love you like I do, but does that even MEAN anything to you? Or are they just words. Words to help mask how you really feel and fucking shut the gullible me up.
So easily you forget, bitch. You're only nice to me when I'm the ONLY one hanging around to see how you're doing. When it's all about fun, you go find other people. Damnit, like yesterday, I was stupid enough to hope you'd give me a hug too. But NO, hell, all you care about is your new found obsession. So, what am I to you? NOTHING, right, bitch!?! What's this 'friendship' we claim to have? NOTHING, compared to your little sessions of fun and holding hands with your new found digs. WHY, WHY dammit WHY am I such a shit to you? It's like I don't even EXIST ANYMORE, dammit. That's it, isn't it? I am PERIPHERAL, merely a STAND-IN while you look for seomthing better. BITCH, how dare I let you do that to me, FUCKING BITCH. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU. Screw you, that's tour problem now, not mine. Bitch, I hate you, so so much for treating me like you do. If I were mean to you or if you were just like any other person, then perhaps none of this would matter. But I can tell you to your face, I do not deserve this; you know it too, BITCH.
THREE STOOGES!?! BULLSHITT. I'm the peripheral one you can cast aside once your mood feels like it right? Why the hell do I perform for you, try SO SO hard just to make sure we've something, just SOMETHING to hold on to and remind us about what we mean. Maybe I'm selfish, it's probably just me that sees some importance or worth in doing that. That goes for the BOTH of you, sadly enough. I RAN MAD, bullshit. We lost it, idiots; thank you for taking away from me something I thought I'd leave this bloody place remembering forever. I guess I will still remember you, of course I will; for all the pain you've caused me.
Wake up, me, fucking WAKE UP. Now if I'd just open my eyes and see you for you, and not for what my heart wants me to see. You're absolutely right; this 'love' or 'friendship' i thought we had are just that- THOUGHTS and nothing else. Thank you for showing me the truth about people; however much you love them, and however much they know it, will never never never think of you the same way. Even if they say it, it's probably BULLSHIT too. I fucking hate myself for being so desperate as to wish and hope and BELIEVE that I mean something to you, hell even that you mean something to me. I'm ashamed of having bared to you the real me, because now that you know my weaknesses you know full well where to hit me hardest. I feel disgusted at having looked up to you once, defending you whatever people said about you. You said you prayed for me every night? For what, for things to get worse?
Now please, help me get you OUT of my life, so I can move on, and let time heal the gashes you made in me, and the gashes you made me inflict on myself. I want to learn to not be afraid to love again, to learn to TRUST people enough to put my heart and soul on the line because I know you won't hurt me. Well until I get there, thank you BITCHES for showing me:
1. what a fool I've been
2. How this concept of LOVE or FRIENDS is SHIT
3. What really matters has absolutely NOTHING to do with you
Get out please, and take along your baggage with you cause I'm not here anymore to help you sort it out. I'm not here anymore to stand by you. I stood alone, it's about time you do the same. So long, BITCH.
I flew @ 7:38 AM
Hello, I declare this blog officially dead. I have found a better place. Thanks for coming anyway.
I flew @ 5:37 AM
Monday, May 29, 2006
Bloody hell
Can we please have ONE day go by without your incessant yelling and chiding; game over, idiot, your time's up and I'm terribly tired of listening. It's like PRISON here, I can't do ANYTHING without you kicking a fuss. You actually made me feel GUILTY, stupid me, goodness; GUILTY for going out, it's not like I'm in the middle of term, it's not like I don't deserve a break. Then I realised, hell, whatever; I'm not doing anything wrong. Even if you had said I couldn't go, I actually would have anyway, at least something good comes out of being scolded; becuase if I had nto gone, I would have been scolded for even asking anyway. I'm sorry, I'm not your goodie two shoes, stay at home mild daughter you want; it's been only 16 years, it's about time you deal with it. Dammit, I cannot stand the way you THINK you're always so right, you're always so powerful when your own life ain't much less screwed up than the rest of us. I blame myself for giving you that impression though, I sometimes let you get to me, and let it change my mood or produce a knee jerk reaction; and the more you think you're winning, the more I let you THINK you're winning, the worse you get. I cannot wait to cut the strings and fly away; when you'll have no choice but to trust that I make decisions that I think are best for myself, no choice but to trust that I won't screw my life up; so don't blame me if I say I hate you, I'm keeping those 3 words from falling from my lips.
Whoa, friends really ARE bullshit. We might as well have been sitting at 2 ends of the cinema, honestly. And lunch, that was out of necessity, right? I'm sorry I even said I wanted to spend time with you; sorry for myself, that is, for being such a sucker, and for having wasted time hurting. Saving grace was that the movie wasn't half that bad. So, discussing my nick, eh? GOOD that you notice, idiot. And you fell asleep? Brilliant. I was walking round PS for the half hour thinking that you were in the middle of sth IMPORTANT. Then, the bombshell- you had to go meet someone else at half past 5, then why say you'd come in the first place, DAMMIT? You both had to meet someones, now wouldn't that be great if I found out that the someones were EACH OTHER. Fantastic, honestly, you two. I'm flying in two days; under normal circumstances I'd say I'll miss you, but now it's no more that a long pent-up hooray. A break from you 2, so you can go initiate your own little merry fun. Three means nothing to you, doesn't mean much to me anymore EITHER. So we're cool, and we'll keep it at that.
God, why is this world so grey? Please have mercy on the innocent victims of the quake, I pray that their lives can one day, at Your mercy, go back to normal. God, please empower me to help them, God, I really want to but it's like I never could. Something, God, just something I can do; so that I tire my back and arms and heart doing good and serving and pleasing You. Bring me closer to You, God, please. I see less and less light here in this temporary stopover till I meet You and where You've destined me to be; please God, bring me on the right path Home, the right path of the Light, the way to You. InsyaAllah.
I flew @ 4:52 AM
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Today opened my eyes to what a shit I've been.
In the morning was the usual torment over the phone. Bahh, whatever; it's back up at least. Then I was really down and shit in school. Messaged them to say sorry; think it was fine after that.
Then the wake. I realised how I've left God at the back of my mind; how I've been an ungrateful mortal too arrogant to think of Him and what He's done for me to get me where I am. And to think that to remember Allah, I had to be tested for the strength of my faith. I am disgusting.
And so I prayed, real hard, to keep out what I didn't want to hear- somehow today, I felt God was listening. Like He was giving me a second shot to call out. Sorry, Allah, for having been so ignorant, how could I ever just forget and choose to remember only when I need You; all this when all along, You never forgot about me. Please God, I surrender unto You and the plans You have for me. Please God, bring me closer to You and on the path to You. This world is just a stopover, till You decide the time is right for me to return to You. I love You, Allah; like how You've loved me all sixteen years of my being here. Thank You for all that You've given; please take me closer to You, engulf me in the warmth of Your light and show me the path straight back to You.
Amin.
I flew @ 5:25 AM
Thursday, May 25, 2006
'Say it if it's worth saving me; hurry I'm falling" - Nickelback
Dammit, cut off my phone lah, I'll fix it dammit. I use the damn thing out of NECESSITY, please, to call YOU and so YOU can call me; and also to preserve my freaking SANITY when you're driving me and around the wall, day after day. Your little plans and ideas are ridiculous, they are ABSOLUTELY insane and uncalled for. Yeah you don't care if I'm out in teh rain for 10 hours; bloody hell you're lucky nothing happened, and if something actually did, I'd be smiling to see you regret. Whatever, I'm dreading having to spend so much time with you; every day is a freaking battle in this house, I'm so used to it I don't give a shit anymore. To be fair, no this house is not breaking apart, people are doing their jobs; but the happiness and shit IS. Because every day is a new squabble. Yes, I'm learning to manage, damnit. I cry ALONE, far from where you can see me and attempt to delve or confide in these things people call 'friends' whatever they are and whatever it actually really means. I can't wait for the term to be over so that I can get a break from your whining, your pintpointing and from beign the victim of your shitload of words that do nothing more than kill what 'spirit' that's left in me. I hate you, at least I think I do; pleas just shut up and leave me alone. You know what's the worst in cutting off the phone line? I lose contact with the world that actually cares; the REAL world where I'm more comfortable and at peace making mistakes. Shut up with your 'concern' over my grades- you don't give a shit about anything else, every DAMN day you find SOMEWAY to rope that in- your grades suck, your grades suck, your grades suck. I get it dammit, now just stuff it and get off my back, please. And stop driving me further into this SHITHOLE. Oh I am going to do this that, in JC, NO NO MORE OF THIS THAT AND THE OTHER, you BETTER do this that and the other; dammit, you think threats work best? Look where that drove me the last time, I swear if God didn't put something in my heart that made me remember what He tells me, I would have done it. Or I would have done soemthing else to remove from this situation. This damn place gets colder, every day, I stand more and more alone. I KNOW I'm drifting away but what's worse is that it doesn't feel wrong to drift away, I feel better knowing I'm tied up less and less to you everyday. It feels right-er this way; somehow, I think it makes me easier to completely remove myself from situations where there is clash. Bleah, whatever.
Why is that my reponse to everything these days.
I flew @ 3:36 AM
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Hello blog. My GRADES ARE DISMAL. Bloody disappointment, you are, self. HAI. Get your life back together, please, and quick. So you don't suffer anymore bad grades. And byebye phone, dad's cutting off my line. BIll was sky high apparently. Whatever lah, let's just see how this unfolds. I am thoroughly tired of this rollercoaster ride ANYWAY. THREE DAYS TO END OF TERM, I cannot wait. I am EXHAUSTED. In every possible sense of that word, really. Haii. Well anyway, my little situation with my little friend is I don't know. I'm tired of fighting it out. God, please decide for me where this friendship goes and please God, bring into my life a friend I can REALLY REALLY trust my heart, mind and life with. It's getting colder and lonelier where I'm standing, please God bring me closer to You and the warmth of Your care. Amin.
I flew @ 2:00 AM
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Oh so now I totally scare you. Screw you, bitch. I HATE your GUTS. A simple SORRY does the trick, if you'd suck up your fucking ego and apologise. THANK YOU for making me losing faith in something I THOUGHT I had, idiot me, fucking idiot me actually THOUGHT there WAS something. HONESTLY, NOW. I cannot stand you. And your lies. Oh "till beyond university"? Hell yeah, I'll know you till then; I'll know you for the bitch who hurt me so bad when I was 16, the bitch who taught me to see the world for what it is. Someone come over and take me away from the 2 of you, please and quick, and fix me up. You, idiot, FORGET about next Sunday, not gonna happen; go get your fucking birthday present of HER and let that be the last thing I ever see of you. I've got OTHER people to go spend time with, since YOU don't honestly give a SHIT either. And get this- I'm GLAD we're not on the same flight; go do your scheming bitching together, I DON'T CARE. I'm GLAD I don't have to spend another night in a hotel with you, so I don't have to look at your stupid face and be hurt by the way you'll end up treating me, spend 26 hours wishing that you'll do something nice, for ME for a fucking change- because guess what, you don't matter anymore. Get OUT of my life, now, quick, I should have never given you that spot in the first place. Look I didn't even use the words LOVE YOU once, in this whole blodyd entry. I don't see a need to, it would be lying if I did. Happy now, bitches? Now, bugger off and go bother someone else.
I flew @ 9:41 PM
Friday, May 19, 2006
Bitch.
Yeah, that's what you are. After all this time, I never thought we'd be here- yeah in this shithole we cver up in front of people. You walked around in my shoes? you LOVE me? Bitch, don't even fucking use that word, you have no idea what it means.
Yesterday, I cried not because other people around me were, not because I was emotional over what I had to do yesterday, but because after telling them what being batchmates means, I realised that I do not see that in you, at all, neither of the 2 of you. Batchmates don't make each other feel SMALL or like crap. Even SHE knows it, the innocent party and victim of your ploys- yeah, VICTIM cos one day you'll fucking forget about her and move on, like you do to everyone else. I call it your PHASES, yeah one time one person. So long as the I love yous last for 3 days, that's enough for you isn't it.
You know why I wanted to leave early from your place? Because I couldn't stand looking at your face so cold and so BLAND when you look back in me, almost in disgust that I'm even standing there. Because I couldn't help but notice the disparity in how they were being treated, as compared to how I was. I couldn't help but secretly EXPECT, stupid me, that because I SUPPOSEDLY meant something more to you, there was something special for me. You made me feel SMALL, idiot, so small I was disgusted looking at myself. And then, wow, didn't occur to you to that I was looking, did it?
Then yesterday. Scolding them was made so much easier because I had so little pretending to do, thinking of how you've treated me was about enough to get me in that frame of mind. You stood there, RIGHT NEXT TO ME and saw me in tears. DID YOU CARE?! of course not, there were more important people to tend to. That night, when you messaged me after the whole minute-taking affair, I prayed to God to say thanks; I thought that perhaps, we were finally getting through each other. Chilling reminder of the time I came to you that lunch in tears and you had your arms folded like I was just a waste of your time. You only drive me lower than where I was when I came to you- so maybe not. One question bitch, when you're down and out, are they there to worry about you and help see you through it? Does anyone actually even realyl care? AS much as you DON'T let me in, but I keep trying and annoying the hell outta you in doing so, does anyone else actually even try? You said yourself, very few people love you like I do, but does that even MEAN anything to you? Or are they just words. Words to help mask how you really feel and fucking shut the gullible me up.
So easily you forget, bitch. You're only nice to me when I'm the ONLY one hanging around to see how you're doing. When it's all about fun, you go find other people. Damnit, like yesterday, I was stupid enough to hope you'd give me a hug too. But NO, hell, all you care about is your new found obsession. So, what am I to you? NOTHING, right, bitch!?! What's this 'friendship' we claim to have? NOTHING, compared to your little sessions of fun and holding hands with your new found digs. WHY, WHY dammit WHY am I such a shit to you? It's like I don't even EXIST ANYMORE, dammit. That's it, isn't it? I am PERIPHERAL, merely a STAND-IN while you look for seomthing better. BITCH, how dare I let you do that to me, FUCKING BITCH. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU. Screw you, that's tour problem now, not mine. Bitch, I hate you, so so much for treating me like you do. If I were mean to you or if you were just like any other person, then perhaps none of this would matter. But I can tell you to your face, I do not deserve this; you know it too, BITCH.
THREE STOOGES!?! BULLSHITT. I'm the peripheral one you can cast aside once your mood feels like it right? Why the hell do I perform for you, try SO SO hard just to make sure we've something, just SOMETHING to hold on to and remind us about what we mean. Maybe I'm selfish, it's probably just me that sees some importance or worth in doing that. That goes for the BOTH of you, sadly enough. I RAN MAD, bullshit. We lost it, idiots; thank you for taking away from me something I thought I'd leave this bloody place remembering forever. I guess I will still remember you, of course I will; for all the pain you've caused me.
Wake up, me, fucking WAKE UP. Now if I'd just open my eyes and see you for you, and not for what my heart wants me to see. You're absolutely right; this 'love' or 'friendship' i thought we had are just that- THOUGHTS and nothing else. Thank you for showing me the truth about people; however much you love them, and however much they know it, will never never never think of you the same way. Even if they say it, it's probably BULLSHIT too. I fucking hate myself for being so desperate as to wish and hope and BELIEVE that I mean something to you, hell even that you mean something to me. I'm ashamed of having bared to you the real me, because now that you know my weaknesses you know full well where to hit me hardest. I feel disgusted at having looked up to you once, defending you whatever people said about you. You said you prayed for me every night? For what, for things to get worse?
Now please, help me get you OUT of my life, so I can move on, and let time heal the gashes you made in me, and the gashes you made me inflict on myself. I want to learn to not be afraid to love again, to learn to TRUST people enough to put my heart and soul on the line because I know you won't hurt me. Well until I get there, thank you BITCHES for showing me:
1. what a fool I've been
2. How this concept of LOVE or FRIENDS is SHIT
3. What really matters has absolutely NOTHING to do with you
Get out please, and take along your baggage with you cause I'm not here anymore to help you sort it out. I'm not here anymore to stand by you. I stood alone, it's about time you do the same. So long, BITCH.
I flew @ 7:38 AM
