Saturday, March 12, 2016
思念：它时而如层薄纱，隐隐约约地浮在眼前，时而又如一把锋利的刀，狠狠地捅入心里。
有时候，思念让我觉得好痛，想逃避。
如果不想念，又好害怕会淡忘。
五年了。好快。我有时候担心会忘记你的样子，你在我脑海里的声音。
不过我知道，我不会忘记你那宽厚的肩膀、无尽的勇敢、和包容的父爱。
还是，好想好想你。
我爱你，爸。
Avaris / 3/12/2016 07:20:00 PM
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Monday, December 21, 2015
过了一年半
好奇妙
回到了同个饭店
房间的格式也是一样的
睡那个较靠近厕所的那张床
当然，
另个床 不是你
还是唤起了很多回忆
我们谈的
我
摊开心房 说的
似乎什么都
没变
哪知
一切都变了。
并不是 爱慕 或 暗恋
只不过有某种程度的
默契 认同 了解
在我这个年龄
能找到 这么一种
缘
友谊
真的 好难得 真的
到 某个程度
变得好害怕 失去
真想
把那时间锁住 冻结
再也不向前
不过人生也不就是
时间不断地催动着我们
督促我们成长
希望
会有成长 而不是怠慢
其实 如果没有成长 时间久了
反而 变成 累赘
友啊 为你感到快乐
祝你幸福
祝我也早日找到
属于我的
幸福吧。
Avaris / 12/21/2015 10:37:00 PM
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Wednesday, October 28, 2015
忙到没有时间 痛哭一场
有时候真的忙到
身心疲惫
甚至麻痹
精神恍惚
一再犯错
感到前景一片茫然
也不知道还能够撑多久
不是你死就是我亡
可能也就只是这样吧
困在一个漩涡里
越尽力挣扎求存
越是陷得越深
真的很想不要沉下去
不过一个人
不管有多坚强
有多么贱骨头
也只能够撑那么久
Avaris / 10/28/2015 11:10:00 PM
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Thursday, June 18, 2015
Really. Not even a week back and it's starting again.
Wondering when I can ever stay afloat without struggling.
Avaris / 6/18/2015 09:53:00 PM
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Thursday, March 12, 2015
123-4
It's a little strange how we accord importance to days which feel like any other days - birthdays, anniversaries, festivals. It feels like a marker, a waystone in the long long road of life, like "Oh here, we've passed the 2 year mark, wow!" But the river of time keeps flowing and the marker fades behind, only for another to appear over the horizon. Over and over until we are gone and future generations take our place.
Today I commemorate the fourth year since my beloved Dad left us. My brother wrote a really moving note about grief on his Instagram - I was walking to the MRT while reading it and my eyes teared up pretty badly. I'm kind of at a loss for words; there's so much I could say and yet I just can't make it sound right. The feelings that seek to burst through my fingertips but make a mess on the keyboard. Perhaps it's good enough that I feel them, and not seek to make all of them known.
Time does make things a little less painful but the best memories remain. So many times in the past 4 years I find myself remembering you by the way you touched my life and how amazing and selfless a father you were. How everything would have been so different without you around. And how everything is so different now that you aren't. You were such a bulwark for the cowardly me and it's a terrible shame I didn't see that more clearly until you were gone. We always take for granted what's always there, until it's taken away. I miss you and sometimes your absence is so tangible that it is almost too hard to bear. Every time I see you in my dreams I'm crying, but I'm happy that you are healthy and whole in my dreams, not the sickly blind husk the cancer made of you at the end.
I truly hope that you are having a fantastic time wherever you are now, and that maybe you can see us or know that we are doing well, and loving you just as dearly. This house truly aches for your voice and laughter in its rooms. My arms ache for your warmth and steadfast strength. What can I say about my heart?
Goodnight, Daddy. Love you forever.
Avaris / 3/12/2015 11:07:00 PM
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Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Thoughts smaller than minutes
It's a wonder how you take things for granted.
Like health. Chronic problems I thought I had said goodbye to for a long time are returning to haunt me. Sleep hygiene is bad. I feel wretched in the day. Needed to go and buy myself some meds today - usually I buy meds for my mom. Add that to my bad flu in January, for which I actually had to take an MC. Things are piling up and I'm really feeling my age.
In part, my bad habits and poor choices are not helping much. Choosing to ignore work that needs to be done to gratify easy pleasures like reading a book and watching a drama, compounds late nights and stress over looming deadlines. This month is a particularly bad one.
I'm just struggling and wishing there were more hours in a day and I could spend more hours not feeling so darn lousy. I am hoping for a break that I'm just not getting, and there really isn't one coming any time soon.
Ok, end of rant. It's going to be work or sleep from now on.
Avaris / 3/10/2015 09:55:00 PM
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Monday, December 22, 2014
Solstice night
I kind of hate eating alone these days. I mean, sometimes it's fantastic. I love having food and space and sound all to myself and no one to take it up or demand my attention except the food and maybe a book or a magazine. But these days, Singapore makes it so difficult to be alone. Mealtimes are a CF (to adopt an army term that some of my friends have been using in a funny way, clusterf**k) in almost every mall and eatery.
Do you know how difficult it is to get a place to sit at a decent eating place? First you have to queue for food, and I'm not comfortable leaving my bag at some remote table while I stand in line for what seems like an abbreviated eternity. Then, the mental image - of me standing with a full tray and my bag weighing down one shoulder staring hopelessly at a sea of occupied tables - creates enough anticipational anxiety that I turn away from the crowded eatery and look for somewhere less packed. Usually that ends up being a fast food restaurant, and even by fast food restaurant standards, the ones where it's relatively easy to find a seat will not be the ones with better food or lower prices. Beggars can't be choosers.
I don't stay long after I finish. The overheard conversations become jarring, a dissonance that impinges on my need for personal space. The fluorescent lighting too artificially bright and stale air wafting out the kitchen melting my vibrissae. The fast food joint has overstayed its welcome.
Bus rides in the rain are exceptionally evocative. Light filtered through spattered glass lends a muted melancholy to the night. "In the rain, the pavement shines like silver; all the lights are misty in the river" indeed. What beautiful, achingly plaintive lines.
As I let myself in, the neighbour's dog sits in the doorway facing mine, head cocked with a sense of familiarity that echoes mine and yet I know it doesn't know me, not really. I look at it for a long moment, challenging it to argue my claim, to show some sign of recognition. The moment passes, I don't know what is coming over me. I purse my lips at the dog and wave at it. Hi, I'm home.
It started me thinking about how I often get overwhelmed with the feeling that I don't truly belong anywhere. I'm always the outsider, the foster child, not quite the in crowd, perpetually standing on the fringes peering inwards. Maybe I'll just feel like that everywhere I go. I shouldn't take it that some other place is better for me, but that I should be content with where I am and that there are people who care about me even though I don't really care or I don't feel "there" enough to care. Or perhaps with me feeling like I never belong, perhaps a place where people are just more remote in general would be better, so I wouldn't feel like my distance is quite so abnormal.
Why do I always need to make things so difficult?
Avaris / 12/22/2014 09:24:00 PM
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Friday, October 31, 2014
So there was that one time
Teaching session with all the Rs across the island, and the C doing the teaching shows her last slide with the line "Q & A?" except in place of "Q" is a screenshot of Ben Whishaw's Q from Skyfall.
And she asks, "Who knows who this is?"
It's like pretty obvious what the answer is so I say it, fairly loudly, but somehow people give me weird looks, like what in the world is this guy saying.
Regardless, I'm relating this vignette because I think it's pretty darn ironic that I should be credited for recognising Q when:
1. I have not watched a single Bond movie until Skyfall, and though I do know who Q is, I have no idea who played him in the previous movies.
2. Ben Whishaw played Q for the first time in Skyfall.
I'm just reviving my crush on Ben Whishaw for old times' sake now. He is such a dear.
And yes, Tumblr just ate away 2 hours of my life. Why do I do these things?
Avaris / 10/31/2014 11:28:00 PM
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Sunday, October 26, 2014
暗恋一个人的感觉
好辛苦。
Avaris / 10/26/2014 08:06:00 PM
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Tuesday, July 22, 2014
今天，我得知了住在我们组屋二楼的大叔竟然在家中过事了，一直从家外传来的臭味原来是尸体腐烂而发出的。
二楼的大叔平时行为都有点古怪，爱拿着雨伞走着，时不时向着天空喃喃地骂脏话。我一见到他就会忙躲着。不过住在这座组屋的居民都知道大叔不会伤害到别人，就只是敬而远之，不去犯他。
我真是无法想像，独自一人在空荡的房子里过世而久久无人问津的感觉是有多凄凉。他的人生过的这么孤独，离开时也如此。想了真让人觉得心酸。
大叔，希望你脱离了这人世间的苦，到了一个能安息的地方去了。一路好走。
Avaris / 7/22/2014 10:38:00 PM
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