Ian's Kindergarten Graduation

My little man

Mommy and Ian

Ian and his teacher, Miss Popp

Uncle Eldon, Aunt Bonnie, Papaw and Ian

Ian graduated from Kindergarten today.   It was a happy and sad day for me.  I am so very pleased with person he is turning out to be and I have his amazing to school to thank!   They have taught him so much about not only reading and math, but God and how to treat others. 


   I just can't believe that he is old enough to be a 1st grader.  It seems like he was just learning to crawl yesterday!  It has been a tough day realizing that he is growing so fast and I can't slow it down.  I have been surrounded by loving family and friends all day, but can't express how much I wish Mark were here to see this day.  I know he would be as proud as I am today.   I know he is watching over us.  I received a very clear sign last night of that fact.  I had not been able to find the diamond pendant that Mark gave me since the day I got back from Dubai.  I found it last night when I was looking for jewelry to wear to today festivities.  I have looked in the exact spot I found it so many times.  I can't explain how or why it was there last night other than to say it was my sign that Mark with us. 

Ian, I love you and I am so very proud of you.
  

A Hopeless Romantic

On the way home from basketball practice this evening, Ian and I had the following conversation:

Ian: Mommy is that dude in the diaper with the arrow gonna visit our house tomorrow?
Me: Do you mean Cupid?
Ian: Yes
Me: I don't know, why?
Ian: Cuz I don't want him to shoot me in the bum so I turn into a teenager and fall in love!
Me: You don't turn into a teenager!
Ian: Oh good!
Me: So, who would you fall in love with?
Ian: Gracie, I think. Yes, Gracie
Me: Why Gracie?
Ian: She laughs at me. She thinks I am funny.
Me: Okay then!

A little bit later he asked me this:
Ian: Mommy does it hurt when he shoots you in the bum with the arrow?
Me: No, because it's not real.
Ian: Oh, so it's magic!

I would love to know where he gets this stuff!

Dear Ian

Dear Ian,

I think you learned a powerful lesson today. At least, I hope you did. Yesterday, you had a really bad day. And, today you had to pay for it and so did I. Today, was my first 'talk' with the principal at your school. Thankfully, that talk was not requested by Mr. Leopold, but initiated by me!

You learned that it is never okay to be unkind. You were not nice to your friend, Sarah, in the car on the way to school. We discussed it, you apologized and I thought that was the end of your problems for the day. Wow, was I wrong! You told the other Ian in your class that even though Miss Popp said there was not going to be any storms, there was going to be a large tornado. You knew he was afraid of storms, yet you still said that! We discussed the note from the teacher when you got home. We went out on a errand and you were hateful to me. You spent time in a corner at the store! How lovely it was standing there as all the people filed past! Thankfully, I am beyond being embarrassed about it. I don't have a problem putting you in the corner in public as I feel I would be doing the world a disservice if I just ignored your actions like some parents. Finally, you settled down. We had dinner and all was right in your world again. I am not sure what switch was flipped for that to happen, but I am happy that it did!

This morning, you got up worried about what I was going to do. I decided last night how to handle this one. I walked you into school. We stopped to talk to the principal. I made you apologize to him for being mean to another student. Then, I walked you to class which is something I have not done since the first few days of school. I made you apologize to your teacher and to the other student.

Why did I do that you kept asking? Because I realize that it is not cool/fun for Mom to walk you into class and make you apologize in front of everyone for something you did. Hopefully, you figured out that not only do you not want that to happen again, but that you also will be kind to others. My intention was not to embarrass you, but to make you think about what you do before you do it. It was a painful lesson, but one that I hope you will remember for the rest of your life.

Remember that I will always love you no matter what you do. And, I will always make you answer for the things you do! It is so important to you are always kind, that you treat others with respect and that you learn from your mistakes.

Love,
Mommy

To Mark

Started October 2, 2011

I dreamt about you for only the second time last night. I woke up so angry with the world. As I sit here tonight, my brain doesn't want to sleep for fear that I will have that same anger in the morning. I certainly don't fear that I would dream of you again. It was so wonderful to walk and talk with you. But, I am frustrated that I can't remember what we talked about! I know that I asked you why. And, I feel that you answered me. But, I also know the answer in my heart. Your 'devil may care, it won't be me' cockiness got the best of both of us. And, it pisses me off. I can't put my finger on exactly why. I think it's partly because I envy that attitude. I wish I could live my life completely not caring what anyone else thought about me and my actions. I think it's partly because I don't like that it did catch up with both of us. Not everyone of our friends or family ever saw that cocky attitude in you, but I did. And, honestly it's probably one of the things that attracted me to you. That makes me chuckle! Like a moth to a flame kind of sickness I guess.

Ian and I went to church this morning. Today was the first day in almost 2 years, that I didn't cry at some point during the service. Each service has had something that pulled my head or heart relating to you. Today, I was strangely disconnected from all of it. Don't get me wrong, the sermon was interesting, just not significantly important to me. Last time I went, the lead song was On Eagle's Wings. I didn't realize until they played it why I loved it so. I also didn't realize that I selected it for our wedding and for your funeral until just a couple of weeks ago. It will never be a song that I can listen to for the pleasure of listening to a great message. But, was I disconnected because I finally saw you in my dreams? Guess I will never really know. Rambling, sorry.

We just passed what should have been our 17th wedding anniversary. Do you remember the discussion we had about the 17th on the 17th? We decided to do something fun and special. I suggested Milan. You said let's save that for the 20th. We settled on the idea of some island with a quiet beach. We never got either. Instead I spent the 17th sitting here by myself after putting Ian in bed. I could have gone out, but I was too angry with the world after my initial plans fell through. Then, it just became a can't stop crying fest which completely ticked me off! Now, October 26th is looming and I have already decided that I will be busy no matter what. I don't care what anyone else is doing, I will not spend my evening sitting here.

Do you remember our discussions about what people feel they are entitled to in this world? Remember being amazed that people actually feel that they are entitled to things they did not earn? Remember questioning how people we knew had this attitude? Well, it hasn't changed. And amazingly enough your passing made it even more of an issue for some! But I have learned that they are just going to have to figure out how they can earn what they want because I am not going to just give anymore.

I have accomplished so much in the last 2 years on my own. I have fixed things I would never have tackled even though I was the more 'mechanically minded' of the two of us. )hahaha) I have made decisions about things we would have discussed. It hasn't been easy, actually it has sucked, but I have done it.

I won't even begin to tell you how irritated I am some of the people we know and call family or friend. Just know that if I feel the need to call someone a name, I am willing to say the exact same thing to their face. This is not true of the people in our life. I have learned coping skills along the way and realize now that others have not taken advantage of the learning curve. Their loss, but it's sad when it's family that can't figure out how to be human. I know that I always offered to help others no matter what is going on in my world. It's how I was raised. This is not true of others (family and friends) in my life. I was pulling back from everyone because I was feeling so hurt by people and their inability to look beyond themselves. But, I realized regardless of what others do and can't do, pulling into myself is not my nature. So, I am back to offering help even when I don't have time. Yes, I know that made you crazy, but it's who I am! But it is certainly hard to go from being completely self-sufficient to needing help from others only to realize that they won't offer it. Asking for it is not my strong point, but I have and have been ignored or refused. I know that people don't realize just how hard this is. There are days (still) that it's all I can do just to get out of bed. I have no choice, I have to take care of Ian. But, it takes monumental effort just to do that. I know that I cover those days well, but that takes effort too. But know that I have learned who I can count on and who I can't. It's been noted and will be the basis for all future decisions/judgments. So, as usual I learned from the hard-knock method!


Sorry this is just a bunch of thoughts tumbling out and they may not make much sense. Hell, they don't make much sense to me most of the time!

And, if you think the comments are about you, perhaps you take yourself too seriously or maybe you don't. The only way to find out is to do some self evaluation (if you dare) and then ask me! (Again, if you dare.)

Happy Birthday Mom

Today you would have turned 68 years young. Today, I did something for Ian that I swore to you I would never do. He asked and I couldn't say no. I sucked up my fear and went for it. I held back tears the entire time thinking about the last time....

I rode the ferris wheel at the fair.

I remember it so clearly. I knew you hated them, but I wanted to ride so bad. We got on and rode around one turn. We stopped at the top of the next turn and there we sat for 45 minutes. I was a little older than Ian, but I remember you talking to me the entire time. You had to have been just as scared as I was, if not more so. You pointed out all the things we could see from that high. You told me that there was no problem, that they were probably just helping someone out of one of the cars below. You kept me calm.

When they finally got us down, I remember telling you that I would never, ever ride one of those things again. And, I haven't until today when this little blond imp with the cutest dimples asked me to ride it. After we made a couple of rotations, he confessed that he really didn't like it. And, I confessed that I didn't either. He asked me why I agreed to ride it if I didn't like it. I explained that I would do anything for him because I had been taught by one of the best - you! We decided together that we wouldn't ride it again.

For my efforts, I got a kiss at the top of the wheel from my baby. It made it all worthwhile!

Happy Birthday Mom. Ian and I love you and miss you . And, I am not sorry that I broke my promise to never ride a ferris wheel.

Playing Games

Mark's nephew, Walter, came to visit a few weeks ago and Ian talked him into playing Candy*Land!
Who knew that 'Uncle Bud' was such a softy?!?!?

Some Fun Pictures

A huge lightsaber fight ensued right after this picture.
Did Spiderman or Boba Fett win?
My money is on Boba Fett, but I couldn't resist posting this pic of Aunt Sherry!

Ian being 'beat up' by our friend Brian.
Brian has 4 kids and understands a good Jedi attack when he sees one!
And on top of that, Brian does amazing woodworking.



Do all moms allow their children to make volcanoes on the kitchen counter?

Why?

On a scale of 1 to 10, today has been a 10. But, that is not a good thing. Because it was a 10 on the "This day sucks" scale. I don't know why. I woke up feeling like I just couldn't cope with anything today. And, of course, Ian choose today to push every button that he could think of to push. I was screaming at him before 10AM. I failed miserably at parenting today. And, knowing that, made the day even worse. I know getting that upset with him doesn't work. But, I just couldn't stop myself today. I was so worked up that I honestly thought about locking him in his room so that I wouldn't hurt him. We had a serious talk after he had pushed me to tears. He finally got it and backed off. The afternoon went fairly well, but the damage was done. I don't know what makes some days like this. Will I ever not be angry with Mark for dying and leaving me to deal with all this crap?!?!? Admittedly, the anger is not all consuming like it used to be. But days like today make that anger rear it's ugly head. Why do I have to wake up that way? Why can't I know that's the kind of day it will be and just not let it get worse? Why?