If only i can sleep away all my problems. And by daybreak, i can start from fresh.

Obviously life wasnt meant to be a fairytale.

I can feel adrenaline running through me every moment.
I want to train harder.
I want to mug harder.
I want both spirit and flesh to be strong and willing.

I won't give up on my life. I will contine to struggle.
I don't want my life to be a pity.

I failed HCL.
How am i going to tell my mum?

Im screwing up my academics. Oh great.
Im in deep, deep, DEEP shit.

It feels weird. 20 months of friendship, just cut off like that. This is the weirdest way i have ever broke off a friendship.
But i dont regret it.

The road ahead is long and full of obstacles. But i'll survive this long march, and become stronger and better, mentally physically and emotionally.
2 years of my RI life has gone, and 2 more years left. But the pursuit for my rafflesian dream has just started. Everything before that was just a warmup.

Sigh. Screwed up my bio cct. Lost 8 marks. I feel really hopeless, hopeless with my life. I want to do something to change it, but i dont have the energy to do so anymore. I'm mentally tired, physically tired, emotionally tired.

God please make me better.

I feel like the most stupid, foolish, naive guy on earth.

All these mess and confusion, i deserve it, i brought it onto myself.

So now what? To turn back or to walk on?

I've made too many u-turns. And there's no point in turning back. Everything's changed, making me disillusioned. Nothing can be changed back to the way it exactly was. It's hopeless, and im sick of being undecisive.

I'll walk on. I'm never goin to turn back.
I'm going to act as if i never knew both of you. That's the extent i will go to protect myself, even though it's harsh.
You've probably never seen the mean side of me, lurking within.

I'm lookin forward to a new chapter in my life.

FUCK im gonna feel emo again even though i dun want to. I thought i had put that emoness aside, but sumhow everything is coming back.

Why why why. Shud i laugh at myself?

That girl i mentioned in my earlier post today, she reminds me of a girl i met back in p6, whom i've mentioned before.
Fuck why do the girls get to choose and the guys dun.
But well i guess girls at this age go for "whatever i can get". (sounds familiar? its from facebook)
No more chindians for me. (Yes im being mean now. Haha. My classmates will understand.)

Well i think being a bachelor is a good choice after all. Can discuss horny stuff with bros, admire hot rjc gals (which are indeed a rare breed, but existent), discuss the various girls' sch uniforms (chij and scgs gets my vote), without feeling guilty. But of course wanking together (soggy biscuit? gross), or bathing together (which is what 3 of my sec 2 ex-classmates did at class chalet last year), is a strict no-no.

Yes a devil exists inside me. But well people have their yin moments and yang moments. Obviously its weird to be thinkin abt verses from the bible while f**king ur gf or wife or ur friend's wife or random stranger.

Well im having the same mindset that i used to have in lower primary, that girls suck. Good or bad? (And ted dun think abt blowjobs when u read this, im not referring to that).

I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see.

After months of turmoil in my life, i feel that im finally seeing light again in my life. Walkin thru the darkness was tough, but God was there, Jesus was there, and all the people who cared abt me were there, just that i was blinded, and could not see.

Now things have changed. Friends that i used to know have gone, while strangers or aquaintances have appeared to fill the spaces. But not all friends have gone. There are friends that are loyal and trustworthy, that one shud keep.
Now that i've been blessed again with sight, i can distinguish who are my true friends.

Small actions can mean a lot. Out of the two i mentioned yesterday, only 1 actually tried to communicate with me, by sms (thou i was mean in not replying), after reading my blog post. Thou the handphone is within reach, its the thought that counts. Well even me wouldnt have done it. I probably would have just tagged or sumthin like tt. Reading the sms was comforting (thou i dun completely uderstand her sms).
Seems that there are certain friendships worth salvaging, even thou they are damaged to a large extent.

I've listed out a whole lot of stuff that i have to work out. Hope everything goes smoothly. And i feel that God is calling out me to return to church. But which one, and how?

Oh baby dont you know I suffer?
Oh baby can you hear me moan?
You caught me under false pretenses
How long before you let me go?

I thought I was a fool for no-one
Oh baby I'm a fool for you
You're the queen of the superficial
And how long before you tell the truth

You set my soul alight
You set my soul alight...

Taking time off from mugging to blog. Math at sec sch level is tiring and taxing, and makes me dizzy (literally). sigh. i gotta work harder and be more focused.
Sigh i've got a lot of sch matters unsettled. And my spanking cool new cool card is as new as ever.
Hmm YOG countdown was cool, and especially thrilling when it came to the part when they announced Singapore as the winner.
The Arena was exciting to watch, and it was a close fight. Cant reveal more, cos Mediacorp said so. But it was against a girls' school, and the outfit that the opposition team wore was quite... *ahem*.
Singapore Airshow was great, but the process of travelling there wasnt. Went there with eddy and lionel from 3m. We took a taxi, got stuck in a jam, alighted and paid $15 in total, and still had to walk abt 5km at least. But a grp of ppl in front of us, a dad and his three daughters, were inspirational for us. The dad walked fast and at a steady speed, while the girls... yea also very inspirational, especially the eldest. Haha.
Found out that eddy is a self-loving, egoistic, shameless camwhore, and it infected me too. Lionel was more reserved, refusing to pose for pics of him stoppin the A380 with his fingertip, and having a artillery gun protruding from his pelvis. Haha. I'll upload the pics another time.

Aniwae, i've decided to let go of memories (good and bad) of the two (if u know who im referring to), and of course this means that i'm gonna cut off ties in sum sense. Not that i want to create bad blood, but just take it that we never knew each other. I think that now's the right time, and i'm prepared to let everything go. There's no meaning in holdin on and tryin to salvage these friendships. For A's case, i've too much bad memories. For B's case, everything's going cold, and there's no more way to salvage things. Both of them might or might not read this, but it doesnt matter anyway.

I'm going to start anew.

Before i went off to shanghai, i told myself that i'll concentrate on school, including academic, house activities, cca activities, and interests. Im gonna stick to it now. I'm gonna work hard to get good grades, train hard for judo, do the stuff that i love, like sports, gymming, and martial arts. I want to be a champion, an active Rafflesian, to prove myself, to have pride in myself.

I heard that my coach, who is also coach of national team if im not wrong, is planning to form a team for YOG 2010, and those in the team will have to train twice a day, for at least 5 days a week, I dunno if i shud give it a shot, but it'll be taxing on me. But it's once in a lifetime. I'm thinkin abt it, even though it's crazy.

That's all i have to rant about. Back to mugging. And look out for the pics.
Shit i dun want to fail math again.

It's over.
But more things have just begun.

I got one simple yet urgent thing to do: I need to re-evaluate myself.

Some things and events in life are weird, and you will probably never understand the reason behind it.
Like why did she agree to go vivo with me ages ago.
Like why did she like me during the shanghai trip.
And many more. But these 2 are among the question marks that have surfaced in my thoughts. It's not that i have not gotten over the past, but the question marks keep demanding answers.
And there are many more.
Why was ri c div '07 the first in nearly 2 decades not to make it to the finals, and the only division out of the raffles family not to?
Why did i screw up nat sch indivs c div in 07?
Why did lingfei actually get a higher position than me in indivs, and got half-colours, while i didnt?
Why did i screw up my grades in 07?
Why was 1m06 meaningful but 2m07 unmeaningful for me?
What happened to that high hopes when i got into RI?
Why was i not active enough in sch in my lower sec years?
Why did i take jap and not malay, which was easier to learn?
Why did i get into judo, and not rugby, not squash, not ncc, not guitar?
Would i have been in waterpolo instead of judo if i had gone for the optional trials?
Why did i start becoming more enthusiastic about weights training this year and not in sec 2, which would have had an impact on my performance?

All this question marks still persist somewhere in my mind, and it might take a long time before i answer them all. But then, more question marks will appear. It's a never ending cycle.

Sometimes, when i lie down in bed, my mind wanders, and past unhappy events flash before me. But there's no time for regrets. Im going to go forward, and nothing can stop me, except myself.

A video on stupid americans

British stand-up comedian making fun of americans

Some jokes i found on a singapore forum.

1, MOM...CAN YOU BUY ME A BRA?
'Mum, can I ask you something?'
'Sure! What about?'
'You see, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that I should own one.'
'And what is this 'one' you're referring to?'
'Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?'
'No.'
'But my nip*ples are already prominent and it catches attention.'
'Nope.'
'It will be just proper at my age...'
'I said no way...!'
'But all of my friends wear......!'
'David! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?'

2. WHO SHOT THE BEAR?
An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up at his doctor's office.He says to the doctor, 'I've never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child. What do you think of that?'
The doctor thinks for a second and then says, 'Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he's in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle. So he's in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What doyou think of that?'
The old man says, 'That's impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!'
'EXACTLY' says the doctor.

3. WHAT'S IN A NAME?
A Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. 'Say, Mom,' he asked, 'why is my big brother named Mighty Storm'?' 'Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.' she replied.
'Why is my sister named 'Corn Flower'?' 'Well,' his mother answered, 'Your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her.'
'And why is my other sister called 'Moon Child'?' 'We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived,' the mother replied.
The mother then asked the boy, 'Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?'

4. BIOLOGY LESSON
At a Biology class, the teacher asked the class:'Why is that during childhood, gals tend to grow taller than guys?'
A student replied: 'That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down.'
Teacher: 'Then why is that at maturity, guys tend to grow taller than gals?'
Student: 'That's because gals have brea*sts and they are heavier than the guy's balls.'

Thank God there's the weekends.
Finally can take a rest after a pretty hectic week. But more work is coming, so i gotta prepare. And i shud stop wastin time on the comp doing nothin.

My b'day, 14 march, is also White Valentine's Day and Pi Day. Check them out on wiki if u're not sure what they are. And i also share my b'day with Albert Einstein, Jerry Greenfield of Ben & Jerry's, Prince Albert II Sovereign Prince of Monaco, Nicolas Anelka, and Pieter van den Hooganband. Wow.
14 February, Valentine's day for me is a quiet day with nothing big.
I should be celebrating 14 April, Black Day, instead. Anyone wants to join me?

I still remember that meeting with the Shanghai feng shui (aka natural philosophy, according to angmohs, or lao wai as shanghainese call them) master and her disciple. She said i have a lot of potential, and was also accurate abt my parents. Then i bought the brown mini pi xiu (aka pikachu), meant for those studying, and the disciple warned me not to let girls touch it.

I now understand what he actually meant. Yet i did not listen to his advice. Sigh. No wonder my life is screwed up.

I'm just a sad person behind a happy facade.

Desensitised, losing touch, losing hold of this life.

I think im going for Ipod Nano. No harm tryin it, since i've nvr owned or really actively used a ipod before. Im going to go simlim to hunt.

Bravo to Goh Jun Yang and Fiona Lee for being featured in Sunday Times. Haha. Even Jun Yang's mum is supportive. Gd luck to them.
I wonder what HM Bob the builder and Mag the shiny head nice-guy SDHM will think abt their student being featured in the sunday times for BGR instead of studies. But i bet Mag will be more understanding, cos he's a nice guy, and he has taught and worked in RI for god-knows-how-long. Bob looks upset everyday ):

Hmm another article in the sunday times, abt exercise and calories. Btw im removing running from my training programme for the moment, cos cardio exercises might burn off protein used for building muscles. I'm still keeping swimming, cos its both aerobic and anaerobic combined. Judo is enough aerobic exercise. I'll include running when NATFA gets closer. Im aiming for as low as possible for 2.4km. Maybe around or below 10 mins? I think i can. But i need to focus on the more strength involved items in NATFA first. Especially chin-ups.

Here are some selected exercises (burned energy in 1 hour of constant exercise) (energy in kcal or calories)
Badminton 50kg = 238 80kg = 380
Swimming (50m/2min) 50kg = 246 80kg = 386
Briskwalking (7kmh) 50kg = 298 80kg = 468
Football or tennis 50kg = 370 80kg = 516
Running (10kmh) 50kg = 520 80kg = 820
Rope skipping 50kg = 528 80kg = 844

Imagine rope skipping for 1 hour straight. Going to be damn boring, cos you're going nowhere except up and down.
Soccer and tennis are the best options. I doubt at this age u can tahan running 10kmh for 1 hour (which means 10km in total 3 times a week. duh.) at least 3 times a week unless u are a x-country runner.
But x-country runner are skinny. Just look at Guan Lin.
Aim for sumthin like Bryan Habana, South African rugger. Can sprint, and very muscular.

Jack Johnson's songs are good. Very Good.

if you are what you say you are, a Superstar, then have no fear

I'm going to prove that im a Superstar in my own right. Yeah that's right.

Maybe i'll go for zen, then get a good pair of sennheiser earphones with the price different.
Unless the price of nano drops and the whole picture changes.
Damn why am i so obsessed with getting a mp3 player.

Nano vs Zen : http://www.daniusoft.com/tutorial/ipod-zen.html
So if i go for functionality, i go for zen. If im a fashion guy, i go for nano. What if i want both?
Nvm i'll wait till IT show.

I should make the best out of my 2 years left in RI.
I should start mugging hard and training even harder.
I should start hanging out with my friends even more.
I should start camwhoring so as to document my life in RI. o.O
I should aim to be a geper + non-geper, 2-in-1.
Hmm anymore?...

I dunno if she knows that i still like her.
But i wonder if our friendship will be like before ever again.

This articles seems to be describing my current state.

Sad and introspective? Don't go shopping

WASHINGTON (AFP) - - If you're feeling glum and introspective, resist the urge to go shopping, a new study said Friday.
According to a study released at the annual meeting of the Society for Social and Personality Psychology, inward-looking people who are down in the dumps tend to spend more money on the same item than their neutral-emotion counterparts.
Earlier studies have drawn a link between mood and spending habits, but this one highlighted the key role played by how self-focussed a person is.
"It is the combination of sadness and self-focus that drives the effect, and it turns out that sadness leads to an increase in self-focus," said Cynthia Cryder, a doctoral student at Carnegie Mellon University and one of the co-authors of the study.
"What we think is going on is that sad and self-focussed people are feeling pretty bad about themselves and have a decreased valuation of themselves. They want to enhance this valuation, and one way to do this is by acquiring material goods," she said.
Placing a higher value on those goods could be an attempt by the sad, self-focussed person to boost their self-esteem by transferring the value of the item to themself.
The big problem is, the purchase is often regretted later.
"A huge key to avoiding decision-effects like this is being aware that you're sad in the first place. But that's rather hard to do," Cryder said.
"Participants in studies such as ours usually have no idea that their feelings influence their decisions, so it's impossible to correct," she said.
"Secondly, always re-evaluate major purchases one day or one week after you make them so that you can make sure that whatever you bought is still attractive to you," Cryder said.
"That lowers the probability that you'll have an over-priced mistake due to some fleeting influence that you didn't know about and still don't know about. You just know, 'Wow... why did I pay so much for that?'"

I want an ipod nano! But me the poor bloke is prayin the price of it drops. Shud i get the red one? Haha.
But i know im already very, very privileged.

This post was typed in Gemencech, Negri Sembilan, Malaysia, not a interesting place for a holiday.

Everything happened for a reason.

As i sat in my dad's car through the North-South highway, and through the long and winding small roads, i thought about her and her, both of them. I remembered the times i had with her, and the times i had with her, and i wonder how would things have gone if i had taken different decisions and viewed things from a different perspective. I definitely wouldnt be in this shit i'm in right now. Probably my perspective of things wouldnt be so screwed up if i had not met that girl on the plane back from Beijing in P6. My life wouldnt have started unwinding. But its not fair to put the blame on her. She probably had her own difficulties. The fault should be all on me, for being so naive and stupid.

I wondered what would have happened if i had made different decisions in my life. Probably i wouldnt have even met the both of them. But meeting them have allowed me to learn valuable lessons on life.
Now my mind is still a blank as to what to do next. Hopefully, the peaceful sourroundings of Gemencech, Negri Sembilan will help me to think and reflect properly and thoroughly.
I wonder what if my family had gone to taiwan instead of shanghai last december.
I wonder what if i had behaved differently on 30th December. Maybe me and her could still have a chance. But thinking back, we were probably not fated to take such a path, whether 30th Dec happened or not. She appeared in my life for a different reason, a reason i know not, yet.
I wonder what happened to that message i wrote and hanged up on the christmas tree inside Raffles City Shanghai, on Christmas Eve. God did not fulfill my wish.
I wondered what would have happened if i had not read her blog, found her friendster profile, added her on msn. My life would be different in many ways from what it is now. But i have yet to discover the reason why she appeared in my life.
Mocha Frappucino. That mixture of sweetness and bitterness, describes the ups and downs of our friendship.
I wondered what happened to my prayer. Will God answer my prayer?

But life's never predictable.

I'm a bad guy with a screwed up mind, screwed up emotions and screwed up perspective of things. I just want to be a better person from now onwards. A better friend, a better classmate, a better senior, a better junior, a better student, a better fighter. What i need is discipline, focus, passion, determination and perserverance.

I've decided to adopt a new motto in my life, a single word, which has a deep impression in my mind ever since the first time i saw it. That word is 'Imara', swahili for strong and resolute. I used to think that Imara meant physically strong, and that being physically strong was all that mattered. But i've realised that i'm wrong. Being physically strong is only a small part of the whole picture. What matters is what's within, not what's outside. Being mentally strong is most essential for success, and mental strength is what i'm lacking. Mental strength includes emotional stability, self-control and anger management, quick thinking and logic, fighting spirit, and the most important of them all, and what i lacked, which is confidence. Even now, i still feel inferior when i see other people. What i see is that they are strong, athletic, handsome, but what i didnt see is that im way superior compared to them. But what allows them to outperform me, is because i have the wrong mindset, the negative mindset, while they have a positive mindset, and that can be seen by the people around them. Wealth is nothing. Grades and certificates are nothing. Looks are nothing. Nothing at all, when what matters is the individual, the individual'sability to gain wealth, to gain knowledge, to appear confident and stand out from the rest. Mental imara is what i overlooked, what im lacking, what i need, and what i will have. The first step to being mentally strong is to believe one can be mentally strong, and that is the first step i am going to take.

I still do feel burdened in my heart sometimes, but i know now its no longer time to look back and regret. Now its time to correct the wrongs into rights, and move forward.
I just have to let things go naturally, take a step at a time. Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.

Everything will happen for a reason.
1 month gone. 5 months to go.

I hope i get lots of angpao money this year. I need the money.

I need to MUG! I need to TRAIN! Tests are coming up, with bio next week. And kyu grade competition is just next sunday. Sian. I think i'll be spending at least half of my CNY holiday doing work and training, the other half collecting angpaos.
I sumhow cannot endure when swimming. Or am i swimming too fast and breathing wrongly? Aniwae i revised my training programme, cutting down on redundant reps for certain weight exercises, included running for both tues and thurs (havent set a distance and whether its outdoor or indoor), and set the programme for swimming, with both front crawl and breast stroke to target different muscle groups. Im thinkin of adding backstroke, but i'll definitely go off-target, and bang into people, and even worse, young kids in floats. Butterfly is a bit too demanding for me for my current level.
Im confirmed going for high jump, triple jump, and discus for interhouse t&f. I know nuts about triple jump, didnt do well for discus in sec 1, and nvr did high jump before. Im going to search youtube for help on the correct techniques, and hopefully i can get a medal or 2. RED STORM RISING! (okay tts the theme for moor this year, better than evermoor, which was last year's, and consisted of a weird "M" superman logo. And i know the theme was also used as a title in Today newspaper, regarding the american owners of liverpool, which in my opinion is a lousy club, but doesnt completely suck. They just havent fully exploited their potential. But im a RED DEVIL FOR LIFE! Fergie (no not Stacy, i mean Alex) seems to be getting older and happier as time passes.)
Darrell is not bad at giving advice, contrary to what she believes, but yes she is longwinded. I wondered what happened to her and *coughyikangcough*. Okay random. Aniwae thanks dloh.

Ervin Sethi is weird and lame cos he copies my blog for everyone to see how emo i am. I wonder if he'll copy this part. Now he probably going to say that i've become a weirdo.

I wonder how she's doing. Dang, why didnt Jack Johnson create a song for me to emo, called If I Was God, instead of If I Had Eyes, cos even if u had eyes, u wont know everything. NEVERMIND.

My CCA mate thot i was crazy when i said that i thot of buying a bigger crumpler slingbag. Crumpler's a crazy brand aniwae. Everything abt them, from the website to the logo to the prices (obviously) are crazy. Even the owners too. But at least crumpler is of good quality. What u pay is what u get. Yea, im crazy abt crumpler. But like every other brand, the colour scheme starts to go crazy when the designers run out of ideas. Yes, it gets consumers crazy mad.

I think i now understand what jorene meant when she told me to let it be natural.

And i need to go back to the drawing board regarding my training programme.

Perhaps i should smile more.

Finally, after 2 months of torturous waiting, MY LCD MONITOR IS FINALLY BACK!
Screw Philips. I sent it for repair before i went to shanghai, and it only got back now. Wth.
At least no more using CRT monitors, which are torturous to my eyes.

My life is going downhill, after the initial hint that it's goin to get slightly better. I've too much problems with myself.
1. Anger Management - I lost my temper today during waterpolo. Sorry Zhao Kai. I also walked out on my class during asembly period in class, when i got so frustrated at being unable to control the class and do what i have to do. I think i need to reflect on myself, at the direction im heading.
2. Others' impression of me - Recent events have let my peers to have a bad impression of me. Even my fellow cec members can do a better job than me. I'm suppose to be the monitor, the leader of this class, yet im setting a bad example. Now im losing the respect of my classmates. I dont want this to happen. I dun want another reoccurance of 1m/2m. I've let down myself and the people who placed their faith in me.
3. Emotional problems - Basically, i just have to stop being emo and focus on school. It's time to stop emoing and start working. And i shud just try to stop thinking abt her for the time being, by putting my focus on somewhere else. Otherwise my grades are going to go rock-bottom this year.
To my classmates and friends who are reading my blog now, i hope you'll give me some time to sort this mess out. I'll work hard to get myself back on track, and win your trust again. I know 3P is a very messy (aka screwed up) class in many people's opinion, but i hope to be able to do my part to make this year memorable to everyone in 3P, but i wont be able to do that unless i have your cooperation. I still have lots to learn about leadership.
CNY is here, a chance for me to just stop, stand and stare.

I feel so tired, so disillusioned, so frustrated, so discouraged. I dun even understand myself, and what the hell i am doing. But a voice in my head constantly encourages me: "Don't give up, Wei Han. This is your year, your opportunity to shine." It must be God.

Some of the advice i got.

"dun think so much. go play some sports or something."
"go get drunk with friends."
"The best thing you would ever do , is to find something to do where you can put 100% focus into , sport also help...but maybe u are lazy ...or smth . Or even go to East coast park watever park .. and relax over there or find a good friend where you can put ur trust into . talk about it ... or family .... Its seriously helps . Its just matter of time for you to get over ."
"Well... give it some time... time will heal your scar... You will find a better one la... there is a lot more nice girls out there... so don't be upset.. just train yourself harder! And prove to her that she has made a mistake." Err...
"it's time to move on, buddy. Remember that life does not revolve around that one girl"
"Sometimes it take two hands to clap so this kind of things cannot be force if u had done ur best move on my friend..."
"i suggest u to face it den to force urself to forget. the more u try to forget, u r actually missing her more.y don u ask her whether u guuys can be together anot? its beta to get reject rite dwn than to live wit wad u assume." me no guts to ask.
"i always tend to hate the person if i wanna forget the feelings for her. i guess it works for some ppl. give it a try lol" nah no way am im going to make more enemies.
"all i can say is, the more u wanna forget, the more u cant... true story" i guess it's true
"just keep your self busy pretent this girl is not around or exist in this world even is infront of u" dunno. maybe. but it's mean.
"bury yourself in misery, in sad or emo songs, while reading the world news-u'll realise how fortunate u r and will feel better?" the bigger picture, i suppose?
"you will get over her. Do something u like to distract uself.Go out with ur buddies.GO chill out." lol good idea.
"i understand how u feel..im also stuck in this situation.its easy to say then done...everytime when im alone she will pop up in my mind.The more u try to forget the more u will think of her.Its hard." You'll never walk alone... no im still a Man Utd fan.
"1. Think of all e weakness of e girl u wanna forget ur feelings for...
2. Write or talk about your hurt feelings with someone u trust
3.Watch funny movies with ur buddies
4. Immerse urself in any thing u love - judo, studies etc and dun consciously push urself to forget her..as long as u keep ur mind and time occupied, it will come a time when gradually ur feelings for her fade..
5. Of course its possible to find another girl and transfer the feelings n time onto her, but i'd advise against it. Cuz its not only unfair to the other girl but it may backfire. U r not ready for another relationship when u r still trying to get over ur old love/crush" Good advice... i think i've already committed no. 5, thats why my life is so screwed up.

The wonders of an online forum (wont tell u which specific one i prefer). Advice from people who has gone through more than me, and are willing to share it.
All identities have been kept anonymous in the process... except mine?

The internet's too tempting.
Shouted my voice hoarse today. We were playing games during training with the newcomers, mostly sec 1s and sec 3 scholars. They seem very enthusiastic, and thats a good thing. By the end of training, i was tired, in pain and in shock. Lol.
Was listening to music thru one ear during 2 classes today, maths and chem, and both taught by relief teachers. But i was listening attentively thru the other. I guess im resorting to being a audiophile to relieve stresses and emoness. Sumhow, the math teacher didnt care. He loves to have 'talk cock' breaks in class aniwae. The chem one wasnt so tolerant, but didnt confiscate, just told me to remove my earphone.
I think im becoming more and more like my father, which is not a good thing cos he has flaws that i do not want to have, but am showing now.
I dunno if it was wise to end it, but at least i now realise running away isnt a good solution. In fact, it shudnt be a solution at all. But is it too late?
Running away isnt a solution, but only a way to grab some time and space.
I was confused and messed up before i left, and i couldnt think clearly, and tts probably why i chose to leave. But now that im able to calm down, reflect, and think clearly, i think i've made a grave mistake. But is it too late?
I've let her down as a friend.

I WANT A RAFFLES JUDO WINDBREAKER! CREATE ONE!
Nano is cool and chic, but too squarish. Zen is more economical and aesthetically also not bad, but too Creative-ish. So which?

I'll probably be gone for a fortnight to a month. Hard decision, but i have to take action.
Before i go, i just have to say tt i hope she won't be too angry with my decision.
I do hope my life will undergo positive change while im gone.
And i hope i can be friends with her again sum day. Unless she say no.

Life is weird.

I got a new watch, casio G-5500MC. Feels solid and rugged.

Tonight, im just going to lie in bed, and wonder what the hell did i do with my life, that made it so screwed up.

I'm praying that it rains tomorrow.
So that i can run in the rain.
I want to feel how it's like to run in the rain when heartbroken.
Feels like the heavens are crying with me.

Tonight, i'm going to play with fire. :)

"Of all the things I felt but never really shown
Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go
I should not ever let you go, oh oh oh"

I still cant stop thinking about her. This issue weighs heavily in my heart. But i noe im not good enough to be her friend. Now i have to let go. This might be stupid, but it'll gimme some space to breathe.
Yesterday at orchard, as i saw poor and frail people trying to make a living selling tissue or phone cards, while people walk by ignorantly, i thought about life. Yes, just life itself.
This is a opportunity for me to reflect on my life, on the things i should and should not have done, on which direction should my life go next.
I plan to concentrate on my academics, on judo, on gymming, on the upcoming interhouse T&F and interhouse activities, on starting a muay thai club in school, and also on learning basic tennis.
I will be gone for a while, but i will be back.

kwh is officially taking a break from blogging.

Reading the past convos i had with her, i realized how gay i was then. Haha. Time really flies... Hmm i'll read the sec 2 convos tmr.

I'm not the guy i used to be, not anymore.
I don't want to waste any more of your time.
I understand certain things cannot be forced.
So i'll just bring the good memories and leave.
But do we even have especially good memories, no i guess not.
Running away isn't the best solution,
But sometimes it's the only solution.

Good luck on your life ahead.

I'll heal my wounds myself. Just leave me alone.
I've been heartbroken too much. I'll dunno if i'll ever recover. I'll just concentrate on school for the next 2 years.
I'll always rmb our friendship, your smile, and your eyes that seem to shine.

Looks like i've made the wrong choice that weekday afternoon in the quiet church hall, and ended up with nothing but sadness. I just got to try and let go for a second time.

I need a timeout.

I wonder if she even bothers to read my blog.

Am i just trying to find a excuse to run away from everything?

I'm just tired of this life. I hate life, i hate God, i hate this world, i hate everyone, and i dun noe why.
I'm not crazy. I guess im just unwell, like a broken piece of equipment. Fix it, and its good as new. I started typing this after i came home from MPP Seminar and chilling out at orchard, trying to think of what to do. Once i've typed finish this, this might be the last of the string of posts that have been coming out this few days as i grapple with myself. After i post this up, i'll make a last appearance on msn, then i'll dissappear till i deem it suitable for me to come back. I hope after this, i'll come back brand new.

I first saw her blog in around april 2006 if i rmb correctly. She was the one who caught my attention. I tried to ask a pri sch mate for her msn, but got rejected. :( lol.
A few months later, i found her friendster, got to be friends with her. I still remember the long chats we had, varying in many different topics.
She had a big influence in my life, unknown to her. She basically undid most of the effects of being in nerdish GEP. I became more fashion conscious, music conscious (after hearing only 90.5fm in my pri sch schoolbus everyday), learnt how to enjoy life, explore new things. The first time i drank starbucks was with her. And before i watched a specific jap movie with her (shall not name it), i've rarely watched movies. U can say i grew up being thrifty, sometimes to the point of stinginess, but it isnt a bad thing, as my parents were thrifty in spending money, just to give me the best that they could provide. I learnt to be more willing to spend money as result of her influence.
But warm drinks go cold, and so do relationships, including friendships. I didnt put in enough effort to keep it warm, and it slowly became cold. I've regreted it ever since, considering the possibilites that might have happened.
It's ironic how i seemingly didnt give consideration to how she feels, but i would have wanted to know what she was thinking and feeling, if i had the chance. I'm not a mindreader, u see. I'm not sure if what i think are hints are really hints, and vice versa. I dare not step over the line.

Frankly speaking, i was laughing on the outside, but i wasn't laughing on the inside, during mpp seminar, when she asked a funny question and laughed at the other guy. Thinking too much? I dunno. I know i should trust what she said, but i'm too scared to trust anyone anymore.

How to save a life
Now i'm at the crossroads of my life, constantly going one direction, just to turn back. I know i have to make a decision. Before Shanghai, i had told myself that i want to solely focus on school and judo after i come back. After that, i cant even concentrate on anything anymore. My heart is shattered, my mind is shattered, my soul is shattered, my body is shattered. I've never treasured the chances i've got in the past, and now i'm regreting it. Is it too late?
I'm like a rotten fruit, like a broken equipment. But out of the rotten fruit it can spring a new plant with new fruits, a broken equipment is good as new when fixed.
I dun even know if the feeling i have for her is just infatuation, or something more complex. But i'm not in the right state of mind right now. I hope that when i go into self-rehab, i'll understand more. Then i'll have in mind what i need to do.

Fix Me
I've decided to take a break, to concentrate on settling my life, fixing my faults. How long will i be away, i do not know. It might be a week, a month, or even a year, thou its unlikely. Sunday night will be the last night i'll be online before i leave, thou i may come online but appear offline. I'll leave so as to fix myself, so as to heal my wounds, so as to clean my mind and soul. Hopefully i'll come back fixed, good as new. Hasta la vista, i'll be back.

If only i knew right now what is in your mind.
If only i knew right now what's within your heart.

Will you still be here when i come back?
Will you give me a chance and hold my outstretched hand upon my return?

But the main question is, do u like me at all?

Otherwise all this is meaningless.But i hope not.

Bye. I'll be back, hoping to hear your answer.

MPP presentation went ok, i didnt really screw up, just that i didnt show enough confidence i guess.

I dunno if i shud go on or not. My mind is playing tricks with me, my eyes are playing tricks with me, my ears are playing tricks with me. I dunno, i really dunno. My heart is in confusion, my mind is in a mess. I really dunno what to do, when my own senses play tricks with myself.

I'm now at starbucks wheelock place. It really has a nice atmosphere, like she said. Everytime i drink mocha frappucino, i think abt her. i seriously dunno what to do now. I just feel like hiding, hiding from her forever. I'm just a nobody, disguised in the clothes of a elite school. In truth, my head is an empty place. I know not enough about the realities of life. No matter what image of myself i present, i'll still always be just a shy, introverted boy in the shell of a extroverted, image-conscious boy.

Like what one of the characters in one of shakesphere's play says, life is just a stage, where people as actors and actresses make their entrances and exits.

I wonder if its time i take a bow and exit from her stage. But what will the lead character say? Will she have objections or greviances, or will she be quietly glad that a jerk like me is gone? I dunno. My mind is a blank.

I dunno if i shud still give it a shot. My energy is waning, my motivation is low, my mind is clueless as to what to do right. And if it all fails, then i'll be left with nothing except a broken soul. Should i give it a shot now, or just leave while the cracks in my soul r still mendable? My heart is willing, but my soul is weak. And i dun even noe if the other party's heart is willing. I feel blinded.

I've realised that i've long ago lost trust in anyone, after the people around me lied to me, cheated me, made me feel uncomfortable. If i'm not wrong, it started around p6, and worsened in sec 1 and 2. I've got no idea how to reverse this, but i hope it's all going to change this year, that everything will be a lot better. Even thou i dont trust anyone completely, i do still have some good friends whom im able to share some of my thoughts and feelings about my life, and they do give helpful advice. I just hope that a cheerful, energetic self will replace the previous sad, emotional, lonely self that once existed. But that will only work when the people around me help me to develop trust again.