My thoughts and feelings are encased in this song. Thou no relationship actually happened, but i feel emotionally helpless all the same.

After today, im going to do my best to forget about this feeling i had. We'll still be friends, but as time fades, she'll slowly forget abt me, and i'll just become a memory, a redundant msn contact to her. And as she goes on with her life, i'll go on with mine. And as fate decides, we might or might not meet again.
i guess i've changed my mind, but i also dunno what i've changed my mind to.

Jack Johnson - If i had eyes

If I had eyes in the back of my head
I would have told you that
You looked good
As I walked away

And if you could've tried to trust the hand that fed
You would've never been hungry
But you never really be

The more of this or less of this or is there any difference
or are we just holding onto the things we don't have anymore

Sometimes time doesn't heal
No not at all
Just stand still
While we fall
In or out of love again I doubt I'm gonna win you back
When you got eyes like that
It won't let me in
Always looking out

Lot of people spend their time just floating
We were victims together but lonely
You got hungry eyes that just can't look forward
Can't give them enough but we just can't start over
Building with bent nails we're falling but holding,
I don't wanna take up anymore of your time
Time time time

Sometimes time doesn't heal
No not all
Just stand still
While we fall
In or out of love again I doubt I'm gonna win you back
When you got eyes like that
It won't let me in
Always looking out
Always lookin

Nearly got into a big fight with a classmate over a misunderstanding. Sigh. Lets list out all my problems tt i need to settle.

- Anger management
- Mood swings (aka emo)
- Computer addiction
- Not diligent in school work
- Time management

MPP seminar on saturday. Scared shit about presenting and screwing up in front of lawyers, law students, people from different schools, including certain people as well. Well just have to learn and cope with it, be confident of myself. (Hmm i guess i'll use wax on my hair haha.)

I'm confirmed gonna fail my math TA. And im stuck between the gep and non-gep divide, socially culturally and academically.

I'm a Jarhead.

A airtight, Tupperware-brand one.

I sometimes wonder why my life went where it went.

Why did we move out of bishan and to simei, instead of staying.

Why i went to changkat instead of poi ching.

Why i got into gep. What would have happened if i didnt.

Would i be in RI if i wasnt in gep.

What would RI life be like if i wasnt so horny in sec 1 and went online looking for girls. Honestly.

What would life be like if had worked harder in judo.

What would life be like i had not met her.

What would life be like if i had not gone to Shanghai.

What if i wasnt born in the first place?

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG!
Why am i being made a fool. Why? WHY?

Why?

I've nvr been through so much stress before in my life. I'm gonna breakdown very soon.

Very soon.

No matter how much time i spend on reflection, on emoing, on hiding in the toilets, on walking round and round my condo, there's only one thing in my mind.

I guess i got my idea straight.

Go a step at a time, plan and live a day at a time, dun think too much, and just be my natural self. And life will be fine.

Just got my monitor badge today. Eric Koh was not around tt time, so sum unknown female malay teacher put it on for me. It looks like hci badge, with tt chain tt u hook unto the collar button hole. And the monitor badge is a gay green colour, funky green in fact.
Oh yea i and another friend of mine, we talked to our year head Law Hock Ling over setting up a Muay Thai special interest group (SIG). And it happens that he is also learning muay thai.

I may be going offline for a while, just to think and reflect what to do.
One side of me is telling me that our lifestyles are different, that it is hopeless. Another side of me tells me that i shud not give up, and just give it a shot, to get to know her better personally, and maybe we can click sumhow. I seriously dunno, but i have this feeling that im gonna feel weird if i just forget it like tt. I'm currently feeling very discouraged, but i think my confidence is slowly but surely improving. But she's a very busy person, and it doesnt reflect well of me to constantly ask he if she is free to .... but suddenly the reality of life has hit me hard, with a rich "rival" appearing. Despite pastors preaching abt wealth not being everything, money still holds an important place in life.

I hope she doesnt read this. She's probably gonna be frightened away by me, and then she's gonna keep a distance. But it isnt good for me to keep everything inside. Just hope she doesnt read this.

I'm still contemplating seeing the counsellor. But its awkward telling everything to someone u dunno. But im not sure who among my friends can be trusted.

I wonder what is God aiming to achieve by doing this to me. And i wonder what is she thinkin abt this whole situation right now, and what she is gonna think if she ever reads this. I bet im the only one seriously disturbed by all this stuff, and its weird i know. But nothing can explain this.

I dunno what to do next.

So lets do 10x20 pushups while a decision is made.

If only everyone understands how i feel.
Behind that happy guy lies a troubled person.
If only she understands how i feel.

I almost went to see the counsellor today, if not for meeting a ex-classmate, who advised me to take it easy, to be who i am.
Everyday, i wake up worried, i go to sleep worried. I do homework while worried, play judo while worried, cant pay attention in class cos im too worried. I feel like im losing touch with myself. I'm becoming dumb and dumber by the day. I'm becoming too vain, too obsessed with looks.
And all i want is just reassurance, from the only person who can provide it.

Everything just feels awkward. I dun dare to clarify. I'm the only person kept in the dark. And i'm the most worried.
People tell me to take it easy. But how to, when u feel u are gonna lose what u never treasured, when everything's too late.
I'm weird, yes i know.
I guess i matured mentally too late.

Frankly speaking, i once thot that just having a nice girlfriend will fill that void in my life. I guess many juniors think that way too. But now i realised, that no one can truly fill that emptiness, but only the one whom u truly love. But if its one-sided, what's the point.
I wonder if i even know the difference between love and infatuation.

I dun want her to do anything just to make me happy and not to hurt my feelings. I rather accept the scar and move on in life.

If only someone can enlighten me, cos i've become too dumb.

Bye Zen Micro, i'll always rmb the 2 1/2 years i spent with you. It's time for you to find a better owner, someone who knows how to treasure what he has better than me.

Judo is a cruel sport. One trains so hard, just to play that few bouts of 3 minutes each. And that 3 minutes decide if u will advance.
Games like tennis can actually last for 4 hours. Wth.

I think im set on learning muay thai. I thot that i gotta be more decisive, hence i made tt decision. Now just have to discuss with my dad, and find a suitable gym and timing. I'm considering BXG gym in the east area, but their timings allocated for students clash with my cca. So i gotta call them to discuss.

I'm watchin aussie open mixed doubles, and im surprised that a chinese lady can pair up with an indian guy. I wonder if hot bollywood male stars are attractive to chinese girls.
"Wobbly!" (haha the indian scholars said tt during obs expedition, accent quite funny.)

Aniwae the newspapers today were talkin abt hot tennis babes (:D) so i decided to compare singapore girls in different sport ccas. (dun accused me of anything cos im doing this for fun)

Basketball: Mostly tomboyish. Dun like.
Badminton: Nah.
Bowling: Nah.
Canoeing/Rowing: Not bad, but slightly too boyish.
Fencing: Hmm. I dun think they are bad, but i nvr really see them before.
Gymnastics: Woah hot. Unless the face very... cannot pass. Shudnt be so mean.
Hockey: Yep hot.
Judo: Shoulders too broad.
Netball: :D
Softball: Not bad :)
Sailing: Dunno. Dun dare to comment.
Swimming: Woah manly. But sum of them arent too bad. But i just dun like the broad shoulders.
Tennis: The newspapers say it all. :D Hot. (hmm sumone is gonna be so happy readin this :P)
T&F: Too skinny. Runway, in fact.
Taekwondo/Karate: Woah Girl Power! Not bad, unless those tomboy type.
Volleyball: Hot.
Wrestling: Omg siam ah!!!!

Omg the indian/chinese pair won! Rock on! China India Peace!
*Dances around the tree*

I'm seriously messing up my mind, confusing myself. I'm trying to think like an adult and like a teenager at the same time. I gotta tell myself to stay focused, to be what i am, to change my attitude towards things.

What the fuck am i doing?

I feel like im receiving revenge for last december.
What goes around, comes around.

What the fuck was i doing?

Running away isnt a solution. Staying on isnt either.
Everything is just so wrong.
Jealousy and hatred are ruining my life.

What the fuck am i going to do now?

I'm a stubborn person, and i know that too well.

Ok i decided to blog aniwae. Gonna blog abt my list of goals, wants, aspirations.

Material wants (hmm i think they amount to around $800?)
- Casio g-shock g-5500mc watch
- Sneakers
- A larger crumpler bag
- adidas Originals jacket!
- CCA Jacket! (hopefully they make one, and make sure its branded, eg adidas, even thou its expensive. Its paying for quality aniwae)
- MP3 player (maybe nano or zen, zen cos its nice and nano cos its apple 0.O)
Haha i think i need 1 1/2 years to get all of these.

Wants to pick up (this list is constantly expanding)
- MUAY THAI!!!
- NUNCHAKKU!!! (Wushu!!!)
- Bowling!!!
- Tennis!!!
- Guitar!!!
- Basketball!

Goals
Hmm this part too many stuff to elaborate, but will summerise.
- Judo GOLD!!! ROARRR!!!
- GPA 3.6!!!
- Moot Parliament WINNERS!!!
- Bulk up and become SRONGER!!!
- Make 3P/4P the BEST, MOST EXCITING CLASS!!!
- Win for Moor house and help to make Moor the CHAMPION HOUSE again like in '06!
There's one more, but i think its best i keep it to myself.

Haha im hyped up.

Tired. Will blog tmr. Stay tuned!

P.S. I need to buy a watch and a pair of sneakers!

Life is tough, but i feel blessed and happy.

I just so tired, so scared. I'm venturing into new things, yet i fear that im losing the things i already have. I just feel so scared, so fearful, and no one to comfort me.

You are my salt, you flavoured me. You are my flame, u inspire me. But is it time i clear the salt, extinguish the flame?

Do you even noe im talkin to you? Do you understand tt mental anguish i suffer in? I dunno why its controlling my mind, why its torturing me, why its killing me inside. Its logical wrong, weird. I just dunno why.

I want to erase all that feelings for you, but i cant. Do you have any effective method?

As most of my RI friends know, i've been eating more food, especially meat, eggs, and soy bean products, with the reason tt im bulking up. Well, i'm serious about bulking up, with SOLID MUSCLES, not FATS. But another reason is tt i want to grow taller, to my ideal height of 180 (at least sounds nice), and i think the fact tt i've been dieting in the past explains why im not growing (vertically and horizontally), or why i'm so tired and put off by judo trainings.
Judo trainings make u feel good, only when u reach cool-down.
And i've been trying to change my mindset that i can do it, ever since obs. Now im trying to train harder dring trainings, force myself to push that barbell even if its obvious im reaching failure, and i realised tt i can do 2 chin ups if i make that effort (NPCC and scouts dun suan me, cos u obviously noe u all are much lighter than me).
So my training programme starts today. mr tan is quite satisfied with my sparring style, thou he says i need to put in more effort to make it complete. And my style is constantly changing, as i spar and learn. Aniwae i was talking with mr tan abt protein powder, and he says tt i can try it. Then he told me how the hwa chong judokas used creatine and bulked up like siao. According to the brochure i got from GNC (where prices are ripoff), benefits of creatine include strength gain, endurance (i need it), muscle growth (wow), and increased muscle recovery. Cool eh? So im once again thinkin abt supplements, and wonder if i shud go for creatine or protein powder? There's also glutamine and ZMA. Sigh dunno which to choose.
I think i need to ask my dad for an increase in pocket money, but even with the increase, with all the money spent on food and possibly supplements, i seriously need to consider which to sacrifice in order to have sum spare cash in order to get a life. Haha.

Tmr i have PE (waterpolo!), then i need to gym, followed by sum CEC council interview (apparently all monitors have to attend their assigned time slot. hmm might as well give it a shot), and my RE group's moot parliament proposal is still not done (despite having 4 debaters in it). And i have stuff on thurs and friday too. And i need to sort out lots of class admin matters especially class discipline. Wth what a busy week. Lookin forward to the weekends! (at this rate the year's gonna past by very fast, like the past 2 years)

Gtg. Have lots of stuff to do. Burn midnight oil!

Hmm i guess i shud list out the house events i plan to take part in this year.

• Track & Field: Long jump, high jump, javelin, 4x100(?), lon distance running(?)
• Swimming: 4x50 medley (i guess its called tt. im swimmin backstroke), 50m backstroke
• Waterpolo
• Rugby
• Badminton
• Basketball (?)
• Tennis (hmm...)
• Hockey (maybe)
• Soccer (well... hell yea... only if i can meet the standard)

Well cant think of anymore, but there's more if im not wrong. Haha i sound like superman. But well i WANT to be one, HELL YEA!

Sigh my stamina and my knees. And i actually thot abt participating in marathons next time. Dots... I shud just be the volunteer instead and kope the powerbar gels (which isnt cheap). Haha. Dun call me cheapskate, cos i always eye the most valuable stuff. Haha.

I guess im on a laughing streak. Too happy i guess, but well yea i have my emo moments, and life's gonna be tougher sooner or later.

And there'll be a time when i gonna fight, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

My judo idol and role model - Kosei Inoue. Enjoy.

Judo - 2000 Sydney Olympics - Kosei Inoue highlight - all ippon!

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2000 Olympic Judo - Nicolas Gill vs. Kosei Inoue - extended

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World Championships Osaka 2003 [-100kg] - Kosei Inoue Vs Nicolas Gill


All Japan Judo Competition 2003 Finals Open Weight - Kosei Inoue vs Keiji Suzuki


Uchimata (inner thigh throw) is 1 of my 2 primary throws, the other being seoi nage (shoulder throw) seen in the first video, and they both rok. One is simple to execute, one is powerful and dynamic.

Just let me fade away, fade away into obscurity, treat me like u never knew me, and i know i'll feel bad, but i'll feel better later on to continue with my life.

Study explains how protein keeps hunger at bay
CHICAGO - DIETS high in protein may be the best way to keep hunger in check, United States researchers said on Thursday in a study that offers insight into how diets work. They found that protein does the best job at keeping a hunger hormone in check, while carbohydrates and fats may well deserve their current nasty reputation. The study, which will appear in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism, looked at the effectiveness of different nutrients at suppressing ghrelin, a hormone secreted by the stomach that stimulates appetite. 'Suppression of ghrelin is one of the ways that you lose your appetite as you begin to eat and become sated,' said Dr David Cummings of the University of Washington in Seattle, who worked on the study. The researchers gave 16 people three different beverages, each with varying levels of carbohydrates, fats, and proteins. They took blood samples before the first beverage, then every 20 minutes for six hours afterwards, measuring ghrelin levels in each sample. 'The interesting findings were that fats suppress ghrelin quite poorly,' Dr Cummings said in a telephone interview. They fared the poorest overall. 'Proteins were the best suppressor of ghrelin in terms of the combination of the depth and duration of suppression,' he said. 'That is truly satisfying because high proteins are essentially common to almost all of the popular diets.'They also found that eating carbohydrates resulted in a strong ghrelin suppression at first, but ghrelin levels rebounded with a vengeance, rising to an even higher level. Basically, the carbohydrates eventually made people even hungrier than before they had eaten. Dr Cummings said the findings may aid in future research on the effectiveness of different diets. And the study likely means that nightly bowl of ice cream is out. 'That is a bad idea no matter what,' he said. -- REUTERS

Yay more meat! more eggs! more soya bean milk and tempeh!

Thank God it's Friday!
What a hell of a week tt was. Well at least im starting to settle down into school life. Time really flies. Sec 1 orientation felt like yesterday. And next year, i'm gonna graduate and enter rjc. Life is really fast.
I've been voted as monitor of the class. Heard tt i and the treasurer had 18 votes, while the assistant monitor had 17. Well hope tt i'll do a good job. But i take comfort in the fact tt im well accepted in class (unlike my sad time in 2M, and all the stuff i hoped had never happened). Funny thing is, less than a month ago, my life was going haywire, and now, im a monitor. Wow.
Yesterday wanted to go gym, but i went too late, as the gym was open to staff by the time i went there. And it was so freakin quiet. Wtf. Waste of gym facilities.
Waterpolo for PE just now. Sun was out, so i got tanned, and i scored abt 3-5 goals? Was a bit hesitant before i shoot, but i can improve on tt. I hope i can play waterpolo for Moor house and own the rest of the houses.
Well thats all. I better finish my hw by today if i want to go ECP tmr to emo.

David signing off (illegally from the library, again)

I'm in the school library now, blogging illegally, and in a illegal area too.

Typed out my overdued commonwealth essay just now, chose the first question, about the need for a dream in order to succeed. After i typed my essay, it made me reflect about my own life, and whether i was practicing what i preached. If i'm not doing so now, then i better change.

Off to the weights gym!

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven... - Ecclesiastes 3:1

I guess my coach and my senior is right. After thinking thru, there's no meaning in being so worried over the opposite gender. I might as well relax, enjoy life, work hard for my goals, enjoy bachelorhood and brotherhood among my friends. There's no point in being so worried, cos firstly its not the right time, nor is it the right topic to focus on, secondly there's still so much time and chances ahead, and it might not even work out in JC, thirdly i dun want it to be 1-sided, and i havent even solved my flaws, so this is sort of the learning and changing phase for me, fourthly i'm gonna be very busy (and even blogging is considered time wasting), and lastly, there's no harm with just being best friends, cos at least its better than getting together but then break up in the end and then go separate ways.

I gotta thank my senior, Titus Ting, who's now in RJC, and still a faithful follower of God, for the verse above.

List of my problems
- Holiday Hw: Book Report
- Commonwealth essay
- Aero Competition
- Mathematics & Sciences & Chinese
- My habit of stoning and slacking
- Fear of failure of my trng programme, and failure to commit to it
- Communication problems with girl A and guy A
- Communication problems with girl B
- Fitting new interests into my timetable eg muaythai? church?

I've had thots of slashing my wrists, but later realised im daydreaming too much.
And thinkin abt it, parachuting is a way to commit suicide without dying.
Heard judo trng is becoming siong and boring. Shud i quit and focus on gymming? Or shud i persevere on? My mind supports the later, but my body supports the former.

I guess i'll be stoning alone this saturday or sunday at east coast park, sitting at one of the big rocks, just so to clear my thots.

Dr Tan (Uncle Ronald to renjie, thou no relation), who's also a ex-Rafflesian (woohoo!) badminton player (yea whack them!)... ok wait i shud stop the extra comments... said that i can remove my braces in abt 6-8 months, so means latest by August! Yay!

Want to know why im so happy? Cos i can finally smile without fear for the camera! Ever since i put on braces, i nvr really smiled properly for the camera. Finally! :D

And a side (extra) note (thats really unrelevant), i saw a guy who posted pics of himself topless and flexing on friendster, lit student i guess (haha. sumhow i look down on lit students, maybe cos my lit teacher was a sucker) cos what writer's guild of blah blah. (So nvr ever be a lit teacher.) And he's quite well maintained, except for 2 points. His boobs sumhow goes flat on the top when he flexes, so the boobs look like puffed up roti pratas. :O And u cant see that his muscular when he's dressed, cos his shoulders (i call them "wings") arent standing out. Yea so to all avid gymmers out there, if u want to let ppl noe ur muscular, rmb to train your "wings" into a V-shape (sumwhat like jet liner from the top view).

AHHHH HOMEWORK NO!!!!!
I'm getting hooked on caffine, and i shud go for rehab, "but i say no no no."
Ok that was koped from Amy Winehouse's Rehab. Stupid Druggie.

Life's so weird. And this world is so small. Every person tt i know in Singapore is sumhow related to another person tt i know. Dots.

And sumhow the girls i had crushes on in the past (yes the dumb youthful days), sumhow seems to outperform me always, whether is it academics, CCAs (particularly sports), or leadership roles. Lawl. 1 was a prefect, 1 was a mugger, 1 was from wushu, 1 was from softball, and 1 is in tennis (with a hell lot of stuff added into it).
Going by all the details, i think i really like to suan myself a lot (yes its very discouraging for me when i compare myself with them). Sumhow everytime i go one step forward, they are always ahead of me.
But dun ask me to go for ah lians. Never. Haha.

5 and half more months to go. I've made sum improvement, thou i still got lots to work on. I'm taking it easy now, going thru life with a "leve, leve" pace (with damaging effect on my sch work). Haha. But i still got lots more to learn.
I gotta be less pessimistic and more optimistic.
I gotta be less negative and more positive.
I gotta be more happy in life, and smile more (even if braces makes the smile ugly).
I gotta be more perserverant, not giving up on things so easily, even when the situation is discouraging.
I gotta be more hardworking, more diligent.
There's many more stuff that is still missing in me, but i know i can change, and it takes time. And one last thing.

I gotta be more focussed on my goals, and not be attracted by shortcuts that are detours and roadblocks in disguise. So i'll pay more attention to her, and only her.

Lord, Lord, why are you doing this to me?!
Why are u putting me through this emotional rollercoaster?!
Why are u making a fool of me?!

I'm really very tired. I don't want to play games anymore, God.
Why cant love be simple, innocent, pure?

Why have u made me blind, Lord? Why hve u made me deaf? Why have u made me mute? Why have u made me numb?

I dunno, i just dunno. Everyone seems to know the whole picture, everyone except me, only me.

I'm against a blizzard, against a typhoon, against the mountains and the seas.

Please, please, forgive me for the wrong i've done. Please, please, just tell me everything i got to know.

Am i suppose to sit here like a fool forever, under the lone spotlight, in the cold darkness?

I've made a fool of everyone.

I feel like tearing myself apart, but my weak soul cant take it no more.

I need sumwhere to rest, somewhere to take shelter, somewhere to grieve in silence.

Look what you've done, Mr Kwek.

I've made her my choice. But will she make me her choice?

A gamble, with everything i have slowly thrown in. If i lose, i guess i can choose to jump off S. Raja Block.

I play too much air guitar. I shud get a proper electric guitar, practice hard, and perhaps join a band.

I guess i'm too sensitive to what everyone says, including what you say. It's happen in the past, yet i never change. Now's the time for change, and i better change my oversensitiveness. I guess i was overreacting in my previous post.

I'm paying for the foolish mistakes of my youthful, naive past.

But i still pray really hard inside that you won't go.

I'm like a lone soldier on a snowy hill, with nothing but a walkie talkie. Yet im receiving garbled messages from everywhere, my classmates, my friends, even from you, yet i cannot decipher the messages. I'm kept in the cold darkness, not knowing what's happening, and not knowin what to do either. My walkie talkie's faulty, can you please help me fix it, so that i can get a clearer view of the whole picture, the whole situation?

Wonder why im posting when im supposed to sleep? One reason is cos im gonna start and finish my du shu bao gao, which was hol hw given way long ago, with the help of nescafe and oreo cookie bars. Another reason is... well you'll realise...

Every minute, i think about you. I wait for your sms night and day. I dun get why im so obsessed with you. Its wrong, its harmful, its not good for our friendship. we're really just friends afer all. Or shud i have cut off our friendship?...

But my inner devil rages at that mention of one of my deepest, most hated enemies. Do you know that i saw your sms tt night? Do you know tt i saw your blog tt same night? And my inner devil keeps me awake at night. I guess you never knew the impact tt that sentence had on my impression of you, on my love for you. I've met older ppl on the other side who deflected to here, and they've been branded traitors. U want the same to fall on you?

The devil inside me screams for me to treat you with the deepest hatred that one can have, as a traitor, as a she-devil.
The angel inside me cries out for me to pray that you stay, that you still stay and remain on the path, that u still stay around as a friend, so that i can have the chance to treat u nicely.

I'm so confused. My hatred is tearing me apart. I feel like being a demon, on the rugby pitch rippin and flippin the people from the other side apart like chicken, in the back alley tearing off their flesh and punching off their faces till they turn bloody and then spit on them. My devil tells me to scream a war cry like a Maori warrior intent on killing, in front of the people of the other side, in front of their rugby captains, in front of you, face to face.

I dunno if i want to do that to show my hatred towards you, or just scare you off so that i wont ever have to scare you again ever, that u might avoid me, forget me.

I dunno. I guess im too obsessed with you. With you around, i cant focus. Without you around, i cant focus. I feel most relaxed talking to you in person. I always hope that u come online, that u sms me, even though i often fail to reply to you. You pointed that out in the past, but i've yet to change.

I 've been askin myself for the last 1 1/2 hour, why would you want to hope over to the other side? Issit because of money? Fame? Preference for guys on the other side? Or issit because of me?

I guess what goes around, comes around. I nvr treasured you a a friend in the past, when in the start, i said that i sincerely want to be your friend. I guess my words are crap, bullshit, unreliable.

I did too many things because of you. Without you, i would have still remained a loser, a second stringer in judo, a noob in terms of dress sense, a nerd geper destined only to mug and nvr appreciate the good things in life. But i guess i was dumb to believe that it was possible between us.

And now, im still doing so much because of you. I guess it might be that i want to match up to you to impress you. But i've realised, all this is unimportant. Its about fate, our fates decided by God, like a microsoft word document that is read-only.

有缘无份

But i promise you, that i wont give up on the legacy, the positive impact you left, that changed my life, my view of the world.

My heart softens everytime i think about you.

You'll probably see this 1 week after i post it. Please tell me what to do. Cos im confused, in the dark, blinded. Only you have the power to free me. Even God has seemed to abandon me.
I know you'll feel awkward reading this. I understand. But i just have to let it out, or risk distroying my soul. Hope you'll understand.

I really don't know. Please tell me how.

Won't Go Home Without You - Maroon 5

I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listen
She left before I had the chance to say (Oh)
The words that would mend the things that were broken
But now it's far too late, she's gone away

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe that

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

The taste of your breath, I'll never get over
The noises that she made kept me awake (Oh)
The weight of things that remain unspoken
Built up so much it crushed us everyday

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe that

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

Of all the things I felt but never really shown
Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go
I should not ever let you go, oh oh oh

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you

In My Place - Coldplay

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah

I was lost, I was lost
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed
I was lost, oh yeah

Yeah, how long must you wait for him?
Yeah, how long must you pay for him?
Yeah, how long must you wait for him?

I was scared, I was scared
Tired and underprepared
But I wait for you

If you go, if you go
Leaving me down here on my own
Well I wait for you

Yeah, how long must you wait for him?
Yeah, how long must you pay for him?
Yeah, how long must you wait for him?

Please, please, please
Come back and sing to me
To me, me

Come on and sing it out, out, out
Come on and sing it now, now, now
Come on and sing it

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah
Oh yeah

I'm not scared of death anymore. I dunno why, beats me.

This is my new training programme for 2008. It wont be the final one. I'm gonna ask my coach for advice on it.

Monday: Judo
Tuesday: Weights
Wednesday: Judo
Thursday: Weights, 3.2km Track Run
Friday: Weights, Judo, Rope Skipping
Saturday: Simei Estate Perimeter Run/30 lap Swim (Sun-tanning included)
Sunday: Rest

Weights Training 1 (Tuesday): All
Weights Training 2 (Thursday): Shoulders, Chest, and Waist
Weights Training 3 (Friday): Back, Legs, and Arms

Shoulders
Barbell Shoulder Press/Behind Neck Press: 6x10
Dumbbell Lateral Raise: 4x10
Upright Row: 4x10
Dumbbell/Barbell Lying Rear Deltoid Row: 6x10

Arms
Dumbbell Kickback or Triceps Extension: 4x10
Cable Pushdown: 4x10
Dumbbell Curl: 4x10
Barbell Reverse Curl: 4x10
Wrist Curl & Reverse Wrist Curl: 3x10 each

Back
Seated Row (Variation: Straight Back): 4x10
Assisted Pull-up: 4x10
Lateral Pull down: 4x10
Dumbbell Shrug: 3x12

Chest
Barbell Bench Press: 4x10
Barbell Incline Bench Press: 4x10
Dumbbell Fly: 4x10
Chest Dips: 3x12
Barbell Incline Shoulder Raise: 3x10

Waist
Sit-up/Crunch (w/ weights): 3 sets, do till failure
Incline Twisting Sit-up: 3 sets, do till failure
Dumbbell Side Bend: 3x12
Hyperextension (w/ weights): 3x12

Legs
Machine Squats: 3x12
Lever Leg Press: 4x10
Dumbbell Lunge: 4x10 total
Lever Leg Extension: 4x10
Lever Leg Curl: 4x10
Lever Calf Raise & Reverse Calf Raise: 3x12 each

Found this on another blog, its abt the benefits of bananas.

Home Remedy- if you want a quick fix for flagging energy levels there is no better snack than a banana.Containing three natural sugars-sucrose, fructose and glucose-combined with fibre a banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.

Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain trypotophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.

PMS: Forget the pills-eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Anaemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anaemia.

Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt making it the perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit! Its ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break and lunch in a bid to boost their brainpower. Research has shown that the potassium packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation: High in fibre, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.

Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. The only raw fruit can be eaten without distress in over-chronic ulcer cases.It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Smoking: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water-balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, there by reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes: According to research in 'The New England Journal of Medicine' eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that, if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!

I'm back from Outward Bound Singapore, inward bound again. (lol. not really funny actually.) And i guess its been eventful, meaningful, and full of impact on my life. During the whole camp, i've had time to think through about life, while sitting by the northern shoreline, staring at the dark night. I've used up so much time in thinking about life, and my classmates describe it as my time for emoing. Haha lol. But i've thought a lot about life, learnt a lot about myself, and mentally strengthened myself. But lets talked about the camp briefly first.

First day was slack and boring.
Second day was hiking, but not so boring, plus its interesting to sleep at night, in the forest, in the rain, in a wet tent tts leaking. And i was elected as the Sembawang Sea Expedition leader for my watch, Marshall. There are 4 in total, 1 for each watch.
Third day. Sea expedition was cool but tiring. The sea water isnt very clean, and i found out tt u can actually shit while floating on the sea (clarify: i didnt do tt, the instuctors said so, and i guess most ppl dun have enuff shit to pass out aniwae) . And it was nice to take in the sights. Camping by the sea was also nice. Al fresco dining is the way (without the sand).
Forth day. Woke up early in the mornin to do sentry duty, and to prepare to row off back to ubin. Set off at around 7. Got there early, before 12. Weather was favourable like the previous day, except it was more sunny. Got back, kept all the kayaks and stuff, Washed up, and then later had sum height activities. Did sum triple D obstacle, basically logs connected to look lke a giant ladder, just tt each gap is at least from foot to chest. Made it to the top with my partner. And we had a proper, catered dinner tt night.
Last day, said goodbyes to our instructor, Sze Juey (pronounced CJ), packed the store, bought souvenirs, and said bye to Pulau Ubin while imitating the indian scholars say 'wobbly!' and 'left, right!'.
I love Marshall watch and 3P! And i want to participate in obs again next time, probably their overseas trips to cool places (even got snowy mountain), probably their Winter Adventure Challenge in Korea.

But then to the stuff i learnt. Physically i've become stronger (my biceps seemed to have grown :o), but its more than that. Mentally, i think i've become stronger, more confident, with more fighting spirit. I've learnt to become more responsible and take initiative, and lead my peers. I wasnt able to do all this successfully last time. But i guess its time i wisened up, and i did. Being a sea expedition leader has forced me into being a role model for my peers, for im under scrutiny from my peers and the instructors, and pressure from my fellow leaders. But i've changed for the better. Plus, i have become more confident thru the sea expedition and doing the triple D. Sometimes to be confident, i guess one has to prove his worth, be more outspoken, and be more thick-skinned, but not to the extent of being shameless. That way, one's confidence will glow, and will stand out. Confident people are the most popular people, as they are easy going, unafraid of being outspoken. But i've realised that my temper is still a problem. It has been, time and again. Guess i got to address it.

My classmates (at least those in my watch) say they want me to be monitor, even thou i expressed interest for assistant monitor, and i feel that im not ready and confident enough to be monitor. But since no one is willing to be it, i guess i'll have to take the risk. If the risk pays off, it'll reflect well in my report book next time. Also, being a monitor is a chance from God to follow up on my role as a sea ex leader, to develop my leadership, interpersonal and social skills, to tackle my problems, and to be more confident and hardworking. It wont be easy, but im willing to take the risk.

And during my emoing time during the sea expedition, i often thought about her. But then while being in the company of the northern shoreline scenery, i realised that there is more to life than school, than judo, than her. I realised that i should not limit my life to this 3 aspects, or else i will never take off. Thats why i've decided to commit myself to learning new things, one at a time, after i settle down in school, and i might start with taekwondo and taiji. I especially appreciate taiji as it allow one to understand the cycle of life, the cycle of things, and to slow down and attain peace. And i'll participate in more sch-related activities, other than just study.
And i shud stop constantly thinking about her. She is one of the reasons why i decided to spur myself on, but i've realised that this obsession is only a stumbling block in my path to success. I might not win her, for she has the freedom to choose, and she might not be suited for me. One can nvr predict the path that one's life will take, only God knows. Thats why, while i still like her, if one day, if we really have to part ways, i have to learn to let go. While appreciating the northern shoreline view, i realised how big this world is, and there is more in life that I have yet to discover.
And to think that i want to go to space when i have the chance to, when i havent even discovered the world.

Hope i'll succeed in my endeavours this year, and make this year a memorable one. Same for you all.

And good luck to Mr. '20-inch Truth' on his life ahead, and his career in OBS.

One has his individual meaning of life. And one will only discover it when he has lived half his life, when his youth is gone. But dont despair, for life is full of mysteries that we have to learn to live with.
So i guess the young man relies on brawn for brains and the old man relies on brains for brawn.

Hope OBS goes well, and tt i wont get screwed for late hw. Amen.

I feel like im falling back into the bottomless pit of despair. I'm staring at my fears in the face, eyeball to eyeball. Its fight or flight, and im choosing to fight.

Added my all-time favourite song, In My Place by Coldplay, to the blog songlist. Loved it ever since the first time i heard it way back in pri sch. Many ppl dun understand the lyrics, but there are some like me, who understand it too well. Its basically singing abt how much the singer loved a girl, yet the girl nvr loved him, and insteads waits on for another man. Yet the singer still waits for this girl. A vicious cycle of love, i can say. I especially loved the electric guitar's prominence in this song, as it brings out tt lonely, heartbroken feeling of the song. I feel emotional everytime i hear it, somehow it relates to me very well.

Enjoy.

In the middle of the dark night, in my dark, quiet room, save for the radio and the keyboard, my fears unfold before me, so do my hopes and dreams. In the darkness, they have a fierce fight, and my soul in torn into pieces.
But tt was only a thought, a dream. Yet my fears remain true, my hopes and dreams nvr disappeared.
What do i fight for? Why do i fight? And when shud i fight?
Why am i so interested in martial arts in the first place? Is it because of tt fear inside me, that fear that i am weak and powerless in the face of all things, that i shud fight for myself.

What rubbish am i thinking. I shud get to sleep.

I'm so scared tt i might lose you, lose many things close to me. I guess thats why i fight.
I pray hard everyday that u'll still be there everyday.

It's late wei han, get to sleep.

The demon inside me struggles with me, saying that im a failure, that i cannot make it, that i shud give her up. But i noe that by the sunrise, God will fight all evil with me, and that i shall emerge victorious.

You're thinking too much abt Jumong. Sleep.

Read the news today? So Raffles is becoming bigger and better. Hope the same goes for our ccas, especially sports. I was chatting with my friends abt it on the bus, from RI to beachroad to get stuff for OBS. Then one of them said tt rgs gonna move closer to rjc and ri, and then they might consider merging ri and rgs. But i seriously dun like tt, not cos im jealous of our future juniors, but cos RI and RGS hav separate unique identities that sort of complement each other, but if u put them together there's gonna be a very big collision. Then another friend (he's judo c div '07 captain, u might noe him very well!) said tt HCJC has the highest pregnancy rate and CJC has the highest abortion rate. Its hard to believe, but it might really be true. And i talked abt my other friends hearing strange (read: moaning) sounds coming out of rjc toilets.

Aniwae when we got to beach rd, was raining heavily, got supper drenched trying to find the place to buy the army stuff. In the end, what i thot was a 'Army House' turned out to be the same exact place i went last time, the food centre. Gahh. So i got solid fuel tablets for me and someone (was doing a favour as a friend, and i'll come to tt person later), and army mosquito repellent cream.

Went to tampines alone later, got a pair of weights training gloves, sunblock, and a present for sumone (guess who?). So later met up with parents, had dinner at pizza hut (the pizza came late, poor service again). After that bought a shirt from Fox. Was scouting around for a long sleeved shirt when i met this salesgirl at bossini. She was older than me by 2 years, yet she's all giggly and childish. Maybe if i do go back to get tt long sleeved shirt tmr, i shud try to be friends with her, and get her msn (no hp cos too suggestive). I think she's the kind of girl tts ok for me to be friends with, and no i am not interested in her (she's older, and i just want more female friends to really understand what's in their minds).

So aniwae, asked my parents to drop me at _______ mrt station, then walked to her condo to meet her, passed her the solid fuel tablets and her birthday present. Hope i chose the correct present, and tt she loves it. Yea so we were chatting abt life (walking a big round in the process, reminding me abt 1 year ago at vivo, just tt its shorter distance this time), and she was like pressing me to accept the money for the fuel, while i was like pressing her not to pay me, and we were like forcing each other to be guilty in the process. So in the end, she did not pay, but received more money, cos i 'tricked' her. Haha. And then she was telling me abt a guy from acsi who told her tt he liked her after only 1 week of knowing her. :o U might think tt thats shocking, but wait till she reminded me of what happened when we were in sec 1.

She said tt i told her i liked her after only 3 days of knowing her, and it left a deep imprint in her memory. And i was going like :O really stunned. Omg i dun want to believe tt.

But aniwae yea she noes it isnt the right time, and she feels stressed and pressured, so i told her to be relaxed. I guess i've learnt a lot from the shanghai tour (other than chinese culture and Suzhou beauties and Shanghai women being demanding and the fact that there's a Raffles City there and tt Mao isnt a bad guy after all, its his wife). Thinking abt it, she probably felt pressured by me then.
And if u want to noe the answer to whether i feel threatened by competition, i say nope.

So we continued trying to pressure each other over money, until she gave in to mosquito bites (they dun like me anymore ): so sad ). And yea, i loved the pepsi tt she bought for me. It was exceptionally sweet, cos it was special. But i still prefer root beer if u ask me.

Aniwae raffles trail was pretty screwed today, but at least the judo booth isnt as screwed as other ccas. It brings back memories of my orientation's raffles trail, the judo booth then (i still rmb tt cool video tt was shown), and zongyi's face (he's the current deputy head prefect, and a fellow ex-taonannite gep). But then i wasnt a bit interested in judo at all, but when i got judo, i went in with an open mind, and got to where i am today. Aniwae the sec 1s were really shocked, in awe, and frightened by the demo, but the demo ppl just said tt it isnt painful. I screwed up my throws cos my right shoulder was injured and i was still trying to force myself to throw my partner.

And i wanted to type this out yesterday but forgot. Im really praying hard tt my voice breaks, cos my voice currently is too high in my opinion, and i like to have a 'deep and manly' voice (like jumong and his aides in the original korean versions. haha). Maybe if i work hard, and my testosterone level gets boosted as a result of the constant 'fight or flight' reaction im forced to, then my voice will break. But will that mean i get more horny as a result?

Aniwae im getting more and more willing to spend money. I guess its useless to be so concerned abt not spending money. As long as the item is useful to u and u need it, might as well just buy it. Money is there for u to spend aniwae. And i love my new gloves, feels so manly.

Aniwae tts all. Signing off.

I love your eyes and your smile, and tts what attracted me to you at the start. And your eyebags make u look so sad but so cute and lovable. It makes me happy just to see you smile, and it makes me worried when i see tt ur sad. It feels so wrong, but i really dun care. You're just like dope to me, an addiction tt cant stop.

First judo training i went to for the year, was extremely enthusiastic and hyped up, cos i want to work hard towards my goals. In the end, sprained my right shoulder ligaments. What the fuck. But it'll heal in a few days. Sumhow its a surprise for me tt im still able to rmb many things tt my coach taught us over the 2 years, and apply them in randori (the jap term for sparring training). Oh yea, a friend of mine (he's an architect, and also his own boss) who's also a judoka with my coach's club, actually told me tt his friend went into shock due to drinking too much Red Bull, but no surprise, considering how powerful Red Bull actually is.
I guess im becoming more an more of a sports and fitness freak, such tt im neglecting my studies, and tts not good for an RI student in a results-focused education system. Yea, so im gonna be busy training and studying. Was skipping ropes right before training, and my coach came out of the gymnasium and saw me, and his reaction was like 'diao'.
And yea, my problems are going fine. Thank you to everyone for ur concern, and pls dun keep raising abt pri sch stuff. Thinking abt it, i was even more despo in pri sch, cos the girls are like uglyyyyy!!!! Aniwae im gonna becoming a clean guy now, no more porn and no more 'pleasure' (not like i often do aniwae, and girls, many boys do have 'pleasure' and watched porn, accept tt fact). Well i dun rule out horny talk thou... haha. And a cca senior told me sumthin today tt got me really shocked. What he said was tt each male can only have a max of 2 million explosions (dun really want to use the scientifically correct word). And i was like, 'omg i better use them wisely'. lol.
Talking abt tt, i have an ex classmate of mine, who said he wanted to stay single for life, and i was like telling him he shud not do tt, cos one of his main purpose was to pro-create (scientifically speaking), and he shudnt let his religion stop him. Or is it tt he loves women too much?
Well i have so much things to buy: a new watch (my current one is sum obiang but reliable one), new clothes, weights training leather gloves, knee support ($50 each, from SSC, ex but effective), obs items, and a pressie for sumone who's birthday is next week!
Well im really charged up for school and judo right now, hope i can continue this throughout the year. By then i guess my bod will be hot, and i'll be really pro in judo! Haha. But tts the secondary reason. I shud take care not to train the wrong area doing weights, or else it'll affect my judo. I really hope i can train my uchimata and harai goshi to a really high standard, and i really want to learn a 'hard' contact martial art, like tkd or muay thai. Im stuck between this 2, but first i gotta get my sch life right, especially my HOMEWORK!
Raffles Trail tmr, hope to be able to meet another new batch of Raffles judokas. I guess it has been a tradition for one batch to inspire another, and our seniors have really inspired us. It's a good thing tt even judokas who recently graduated from rjc still recognise me, and tt shows that raffles judokas are united by a common goal, a common link, despite everyone not knowing everyone else. Now that we're sec 3s, it will soon be time for us to take revenge on our setback last year, and rise up. We're no longer juniors, but seniors, and its time for us to set an example.
Good luck for all sportsmen and sportswomen in the Raffles family. Lets aim to whack all the other schools BLACK 'N BLUE!

P.S. Anon, why are u so scared of revealing your true identity? If u are not scared of citicising and personally attacking me, why shud u be scared of revealing who you are? Or is it tt u're life is meaningless, and u have nothing to show for yourself? If tt's true, then go and do sumthing meaningful, and stop spending precious time around blogs.

'INSULT'

That word made my heart dropped, travelling the height from heaven to earth.

U dun understand how hard it has been for me. I'm trying to do my best for u to forget me, for me to carry all the burden myself. I just want to make life easier for everyone, for u.

I just noticed, that there are so many cases like mine. The people: a pretty girl, a guy who's depressed because of her. And sumhow its the guy tt suffers quietly inside his heart, only able to express his longing for the girl on his blog, hoping tt the girl will read it.

Sigh.

[kwh] - I'll just let everything go. ------ [audac.blogspot.com] says (8:26 PM):
one-woman policy
[Joel #7]™ Good morning Dr Alfiani -.-" says (8:26 PM):
duhh
[Joel #7]™ Good morning Dr Alfiani -.-" says (8:26 PM):
zzz
[kwh] - I'll just let everything go. ------ [audac.blogspot.com] says (8:26 PM):
haha
[Joel #7]™ Good morning Dr Alfiani -.-" says (8:26 PM):
some women are stepping stones to others
[Joel #7]™ Good morning Dr Alfiani -.-" says (8:26 PM):
:)
[Joel #7]™ Good morning Dr Alfiani -.-" says (8:26 PM):
you must understand that

err... well i was telling my friend to stick to 1 girl, and he was talking abt... the above says all. But i definitely dun want to treat women like items or stepping stones.

Well we hav a Ph.D holder in anthropology, with previous experience as a DJ for Class 95fm in 1993, called Dr. Alfiani (cant rmb her full name) for our english teacher. Her voice too soft thou.
Then for physics, i have a teacher, just like Neo Li Kheang (who left for TKGS), but shorter and at least more humour. For math, we have a teacher, Mr Teo Chun Meng, but he's leaving for the Arts Sch at the end of Jan, after 7 years in RI. And my FT, mr eric koh, is becoming the new judo teacher ic. Seems like its impossible to pwn trng anymore.

My friends were teasing me about my past emo blog posts, and telling me not to emo. -_-" But i just laugh them off. Haha. Yep. And a ex-ccamate of mine (he transferred out of judo cos of back problem) met me at the traffic junction outside RI recently, and commented i seemed a lot more cheerful. Haha. Well i guess its a new year, a new life, after all. And im aiming to be a assistant monitor, hopefully wont screw up.

I talked to my coach, Mr Tan, this afternoon, when he was coaching rg judo. First thing he noticed was my haircut. He said it looked nerdish (no it doesnt, its mean to be sumwhat like army style). Then he asked the girl beside me (same age, name is renee) abt my hairstyle. Why would a girl comment on a male stranger's hairstyle?! Aniwae talked to him abt girls (yes he's easy going abt tt topic), he just told me tt i shud move on, to make it simple. But he told me tt if can make friends, why not? well i told him i'll feel burdened everytime i talked to her (yea i told him everything, and renee was still beside him, probably knew tt girl). Well i shud move on.

Aniwae i gymmed before tt. Cant believe i'm still on the same level of strength despite working diligently during the hols, swimming, running, gymming, trng. Its either my condo gym's equipment suck and free weights are better, or i'm plateauing (means im stuck on a level, cant go up). Damn I shud really plan a weights and aerobic training program, then implement it after OBS. Well lets assess my muscles.

Chest: Not flat, but not too high either. Bukit Timah i guess
Back: Improving, but too slow
Shoulders: Most improvement. My shoulders have always stood out, and are continuing to.
Abs: Dun talk abt it. Sucks.
Erector Spinae: Not strong enuff
Quadriceps and Hamstring (thigh): Strong, but can be stronger.
Calf: Woah. But not as pro as Mr Tan's scary imba ones.
Arms: Triceps and Biceps are improving. Not bad. But lower forearm and wrist still weak.

I still gotta work on Chin ups. Sucky.

Looking forward to OBS, and the tan tt comes with it (YEA!). I guess im really obsessed with trying to get darker. And yea, my cca senior gave me this advice at the gym, tt i shud just do what i want to do, and dun give much thot abt it (but still have to consider the consquences). Well im gonna shop for a new stylish watch (eyeing a adidas one), new clothes for the new year, sneakers (considering), and learn a new martial art (most likely tkd cos its convenient, at my condo, but muay thai more effective and relevant).

I wanted to see you for the last time, but the long concrete road by the grassland seemed scary, and i was unable to conquer my fears.

Throughout this 1-2 years, i've committed so much wrong, and strayed. It's completely my bad, and im ready to accept everything tt comes my way. Hope tt after 6 months, i'll change.

And maybe by then, i'll break into the sch b div team, and have a pic of a spectacular uchimata i did in the Straits Times, and become famous. By then, i would have certainly changed, mentally, physically, spiritually, in order to achieve that feat.

But i did it cos of you.

Outside, it seems that i wanted it to end, but deep inside, i didnt. But circumstances have changed, and i've grown the wiser. If God willing, we will meet again, but if God wasn't willing, i'll bend God's will if i could.

One day, u might just see a confident-looking guy, walking up to u at the rooftop tennis court and introducing himself. Hopefully u'll nvr suspect it was me.

I'll nvr forget tt flavourful, sweet 'n bitter taste of mocha frapp with extra whipped cream.
U left a scar across my heart, one tt i'm ready to accept. I guess im masochistic.

I've made the second shot. But i nvr checked if she was dead or alive, for i cannot bear to see her. I left with a heavy heart, and blurred eyes. I'm marked for life. I dropped on my knees, and asked, "Oh God, am i forgivable?"

I've already shot one. Preparing to shoot another.
Then i'll just leave, with the marks of a criminal on my soul, forever.

But i'll play God for once, some day. Understand me?

RI's OBS is on 7-11, RG's next on 14-18, and after tt TKGS from 22 (or is it 21) to 25. Conicidentially, girl A is from TKGS, and girl B is from RGS.
An evil joke on me, to remind me of the bad past?

Like a soldier, seduced by 2 beauties, to shoot or to succumb?

My mum, who's a qualified retired hairdresser, cut my hair short today at my request. I had wanted to shave my hair completely, but my mum didnt really approve of it (she didnt dare to shave also). So here's the end result, a short, neat cut.























Well i guess this haircut also signifies my breakaway from the past, and move on into the future.

I cant sleep soundly because of u, i lost my appetite because of u, i've lost weight because of u (even the sch pants i wore from sec 1 are getting loose). I feel bad towards tt other girl because of u. I guess i rather had not known u. U're like a man-eater, eating away at my soul...

Its time to pick up the pieces, and move on with life.
Forget you i cant, but forget you i must.
The glitter of christmas, the dazzling lights,
Blinded my heart, blinded my eyes.
Love is blind, so am i,
Forbidden love, Romeo must die.
Still lay on that tree, that little card,
My inner soul contained in that heart.
My mind is torn, my shell ravaged,
But ur consoling presence is nowhere to find.
I'm no good in poetry, yes im bad,
But these are truths, yes im better off being dead.
Clothed i may be, but naked i am,
That red bullseye of my soul, Cupid's aim.
The glitzy lights of Shanghai city,
The lonely star above Singapore's ECP.
Im on the train, to a faraway land,
But in my dreams, i hope i'll see u again.
Are u reading this, i guess u are,
When you're in need, someone will be there,
But the lonely white figure in the corner can only stare.

yes im oversensitive. yes i have a sense of insecurity. its my fault, its all because of my past. so to spare u a headache, i quit. just pretend u nvr know me, and u will surely forget me.
this might be the most childish, torturous method, but its the most effective.

I've made up my mind. And i just want u girl. U might not know who im talking about, but u'll realise. I'm gonna work hard just for u. I know i've treated u coldly, but now God has turned me right side up. I feel blessed because of u.

Walking from a crossroad, the path i've taken leads on to another crossroad. And on each road tt i can take, there's a customs station. Once i pass it, there is no return.
Its the new year. (Hallelujah for those God-freaks haha) But this is the first time i've celebrated an unhappy, hopeless new year. Just now, i went to changi beach to see the first sunrise of the new year. It was my first time, and i had high hopes tt i will see it, and start the new year with a bang. Alas, the clouds hid the sun, as if they were trying to hide it from me. I felt hopeless, lost, and cold (both physically and mentally because of the strong breeze). For the last 2 weeks, my dream became a nightmare...
I had a least-than-expectations 2007. I got double bronze instead of the double gold i wanted. My team (im in judo fyi) was in the papers and on stomp over our loss (which shudnt have happened cos our team was strong, or so i thot), first RI c div team in 18 years to have failed to qualify for the finals, if im not wrong.
My academics didnt fare any better. i did badly in my exams. dun want to talk much abt it. and sumhow im ostracized by many of my classmates, who i had good close friendships with. The class spirit i had in sec 1 was non-existant in sec 2.
I quited church in june. Still a christian thou. Still finding a church.
Now the only close friends i have are from judo, sum from class, and a few from the shanghai tour i went on, which i will elaborate now. Even if no one reads, i'll still type it out, to relieve the stress im going thru.
So this is my side of the story:
I first met girl A on the plane towards shanghai. SQ813, if i rmb correctly. The first moment i met her, i thot she seemed familiar, like i've seen her before. So during mid flight, she was figuring out how to use the control (i guess a unfrequent tourist, like me), so i just pointed out to her the way to use the control. So end of chapter 1. *clapclap* ok watever im just bored.
So the tour went on. I got to know 2 other ppl of our generation, so lets call him Bro, and his (much) older sister Big Sis (she's a grad). Yea so as the tour went on, we played taitee (basically big 2), but i noticed girl A sitting alone 2 seats behind me. Plus, i just realised who she looked familiar to (2 ppl originally, but 3 now, cos the 3rd one slimmed down. lol), and i want to get to know her, so i wrote a letter, and left it at her seat (rather unceremoniously, cos i wanted to make it quick). I told her to leave the letter at her seat. And i took it when she wasnt noticing. This was a gamble tt paid off, cos not every girl is receptive to such stuff.
So as the tour went on, we continued to write, and i guess she already suspected it was me, but was uncertain, until i revealed my age to Bro and Big Sis, loud enuff for her (not on purpose). So when i told her to guess who i am by putting the letter at my seat, obviously it was easy for her. But what i didnt noe was tt i was dealing with a situation tt will soon become a dangerous fire.

After touring so many of the cities in Jiangnan and Zhejiang provinces, we finally got back to Shanghai. And then the characters from the other bus, Bus B, came into the picture.
We met them on the 24th, christmas eve, they were having a party of their own back in the hotel. We were abt to leave for Shanghai's Raffles City (yes raffles, "elite", whatever) and Nanjing Road. And we had a happy nite, where i wore reindeer horns (hairband with the horns basically) for the first time in my life. woah. and seeing girl A happy, i felt happy. By then, i knew for sure tt i had sum sort of feelings for her. I had made a commitment to focus on judo and sch when back in singapore, and i had a good friend, girl B, and im not sure how she will react. But i just forgot everything. Sumhow tt was the happiest christmas season i ever had.
On the 2nd last day in Shanghai, when it was free and easy, i woke up late, and found a letter at the door, folded in a way i've nvr seen before. It was a letter from girl A, with her email and contact number. A small boy told me abt the letter, and told me girl A wanted to see me. I thot what for, and is the small boy playing tricks on me? I was still feeling lethargic, and went down late, a decision i regreted ever since.
I spent the whole day feeling empty (the reason u probably know by now). We got back late, and the bus A plus bus B ppl had just finished a small party at the lobby. I met girl A later (our hotel rooms were on the same floor), and asked abt morning's incidents. She said it wasnt anything, just the boy playing tricks. But by then, my dream has already started to turn into a nightmare even before i knew it.
My mum had told me the night before that girl A invited (sort of) me to her room to play cards in the morning. So i went. And then eveything was ok, the small kids were playing, i flipped a small kid (who i quite like actually, just tt he's quite erm... ego in a sense tt he's very protective of his pride, not negative but not positive either) and made him angry, later bought him cadbury chocs to cheer him up. But yea i was getting a bit too playful. And guy A, from bus B was in the room also.
At this point i seriously dunno how to go on with the story. My head goes dizzy from this stress, i've been losing appetite, my chest felt tight just now. Well i'll try to go on...
Yea so this guy A is in upper sec, from MSHS (chinese name same as hai xing catholic school). Talking abt MSHS, its sumhow a jinx to me, now tt i thot abt it.
So yea nothing wrong. Took the bus back to the airport. I actually got a small keychain i wanted to give to the girl. Big Sis helped me give it to her eventually at Changi Airport, cos i dunno how to pass it to her in front of her parents and relatives, who might think of a thousand different weird stuff just becos of this keychain. So yea just a gift of friendship i guess.
There was a bbq organised by guy A, at guy A's house. sumhow on the way there, i had this weird feeling, and weird thots keep going through my mind. I felt worried abt her. Well i just went to the washroom, and kiss my cross, to reassure me tt everything's alrite.
She already went early to help out (wow so early, like less than a week of noeing each other?) Yea on the bus heading to guy A's hse, didnt noe what to talk to her. Guy A was like trying to encourage me to talk to her, but my mouth wouldnt listen, plus she was facing the other way. I told them i was moody, but tts just an excuse. I was getting jealous and i dont noe what to do.
At the hse, played cheat with guy A's friends. Dunno what to talk to her. Sum how she was becoming guy A's buddy, and they were talking and joking with each other. And i dun even noe what to do to be friendly with her.
So later we 3, plus Bro and Big Sis, went to the nearby playground. And the sight i saw made me lose it (not get angry but... yea upset). Girl A got on to sum twirly wirly fun thing, and guy A was pushing her along, and they were like happy. Even Bro and Big Sis was just sitting and playing by the side. (In sumone's words, its flirting, and i totally agree with it). I just walked away...

I couldnt stand tt sight. They sort of looked like a couple. I just walked away as fast as i could. Then i stopped at sumwhere where they couldnt find me. I felt like crying for being a loser. But only a few tears came. I felt like crying out, but couldnt. The church was just a few metres away, but the fence made it feel as if God is forever out of my reach. I just dunno what to do.
I walked back quickly to the hse, took my bag and bid farewell (forever) to guy A's friends and relatives. And i went t the bus stop. It took forever for bus 169 to come, but when it came, i couldnt get myself to board the bus. I didnt noe whether to go or to stay. I jus couldnt bear to forget her just like tt. I hid behind the busstop billboard. People walked past and looked at me but i didnt give a damn. I know he and she were headin for the busstop. Then 169 came(again)...

I thot she probably boarded the bus, so i stood up and looked at the bus. She wasnt inside. Then i turned around, and they were standing 10m away from me. I was stunned. But the foolish then of me didnt noe what to do. I just walked away. Guy A catched up with me. Tried to clarify things at 7-11, over drinks, while she waited. Outside of 7-11, and not at the busstop as i had thot. If she heard what we were discussing, i can go and ram my head on the wall!
So i went back and played soccer with his friends, while he continued 'socialising' with her. I just concentrated on soccer, but stole a few glances at her now and then. My new found soccer buddies constantly called out my name, praising me, treating me like a god cos i have futsal shoes on and can collect the ball from the grass. But i bet she nvr paid attention.
I saw her home. Looked out of the window throughout the bus trip, even when she was sitting in front of me and can clearly see what was happening to me. I called my coach to talk, to seek counselling. Even on the mrt, i nvr paid attention to her anymore, cos i noe i dun deserve to, and its useless aniwae. In the end, accompanied her back home, in the cold night. But i guess i was the only one cold. The usually tolerant me have felt very cold in any wind ever since. I guess i was half-hoping a pontianak would just rip off my balls tt night.
Yesterday, i went to the multistorey carpark's highest level (which is empty), kneel, and prayed to god for the first time since eoys. I guess i havent been a good christian, but i still sent out a SOS to him aniwae. After i prayed, i opened my eyes just in time to see the last sunset of the new year. I felt peaceful after praying, and was optimistic i would still end the year with a bang. But it was not to be.

I feel so tortured, so hopeless, so unconfident. Everytime i think abt her i feel pained. When i went to see the sunrise, i couldnt see any, and felt hopeless and very very cold in the morning breeze, till i became numb to it. When i came back, i tried to sleep, but couldnt, cos he and she constantly haunts my mind. That is why i decided to revive my blog, and have an avenue to relieve myself of the stress that is haunting me. She wanted the 3 of us to remain friends despite feelings or not, but i feel so extra, so tortured to even be in front of them, that i doubt i can. The most is msn buddy, but that is nvr a true friend. I really feel so tortured, so pained, so troubled, that i can hardly describe it. I want to forget them once and for all, but i cant, cos i'll feel tt shanghai is fruitless without her as a friend. I dunno why im always toyed around. I feel so helpless, so unconfident. I dun even noe if i can ever talk to girls in person without stuttering and stumbling animore. Im a sad guy. I dun even noe how to have fun. I guess tts all abt it.

Aniwae i've asked them out to meet me later at starbucks for a open chat. I guess i just want to clear things up, throw all the rubbish in the dustbin, and move on with life. I still got my friend girl B to be concerned abt (cos i neglected her as a friend), judo, and sch. My coach moved on even when his windscreen got broken after he broke up with his den gf (dunno if he'll be angry at me saying this but this is an example i want to follow). So i'll just pick up the pieces and move on with life like nothing ever happened. My coach said, this is the reason why God let u be a teenager, to learn from experiences, and i agree very much with him.

Thanks God.

To guy A and girl A: if u see this, i would like to say i have nothing against both of u. im just stressed up. And i think i'll like to move on with life. Good luck to u both.

To girl B: Hey i dunno if u'll be affected by this post. But i rather be honest than hide this and keep my stress within me (not healthy for me). Hope u can become my 'soul sista' haha. Friends forever.

Bro n Big Sis: Dun worry i'll treat u both as my good friends forever. And Big Sis, must guide me on alcohol next time kay? I badly want to try vodka. (yes russian is gooood! so is putin, cos he's a judoka haha)

Good luck everyone for 2008. And i nvr regreted going to Shanghai and Jiangnan. Will even work there next time if the conditions are rite. And my hongxing erke shoes are working even better than my nikes!

Labels: life