A, B, and 3

I know it has been months since I last posted.  That wasn't intentional, really, it wasn't.  I just - - - have been busy.  And I feel so silly for even writing or saying that because, everyone's busy.  Especially this time of year.  My busyness is a good thing.  It's something I longed for and prayed for... and I sometimes feel like I have to pinch myself because I just still can't believe that this - - - this is my life.

Back in November, we had the boys' Baptism.  It was a wonderful day.  The boys fulfilled a dream of mine and wore gowns that my aunt graciously offered to make out of my wedding gown.  On the drive to the church, I mentioned to Nick how I wasn't feeling so well - the excitement of the day ahead had gotten to my belly. 

A couple of weeks later, we finally moved into our new house.  I had major anxiety over this.  I had gotten so used to the extra four hands that were those of my parents.  After spending three months living with my mom and dad, I suddenly felt nervous about whether or not Nick and I could do it without them (blame it on the new mom guilt!).  Before we moved into our new house (only two weeks ago), we had some work done on the interior - we had mostly all of the rooms painted, and had new carpet installed in the bedrooms.  During this time, that unsettled feeling in my belly that I felt on the boys' Baptism day hadn't really dissipated. 

One night, I received a private Facebook message from a high school friend.  We haven't seen each other more than maybe a handful of times since we graduated high school 14 years ago, but have always been connected through social media.  In one of her messages to me, she mentioned how her sister, who has twin daughters, found out she was pregnant with her third daughter only 8 weeks after her twins were born.  It was that message that made me think about the unsettled feeling in my belly that I couldn't quite shake.  And then I thought about the last period I had and how it was just... well, funny.  It wasn't 'normal', but was more like a week of constant spotting.  A week where I was convinced it'd arrive any day.  But it never did.  And I honestly didn't think much of it, given I had just had the boys only 6 months ago.  Surely it takes some time for things to get back on track, right? 

Well... I decided to pick up a pregnancy test on the off-chance that I would be a medical mystery.  I didn't even tell Nick.  I was so sure it wouldn't be positive, because, it never had been in the past (except that one time).  One of the best RE's in the country told me that I really didn't even have a chance at all of becoming pregnant with my own eggs the old fashioned way... That I only had a 25% chance of conceiving at all, and that was with IVF.  A chance I'm so glad we took. 

At this point, I'm sure you can tell where this is going, and what that pregnancy test showed... two lines.  WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

So.  Yes.  I'm pregnant (!!!!!!!).  And no, I still can't believe it.  And yes, it's a blessing.  A miracle.  A total, complete miracle.  One that I never, ever, in a million, trillion, quadrillion years, would have thought would happen to me.  I mean, I already had thoughts of returning to Colorado sometime after the boys' first birthday for a potential FET.  

Along with all of my excitement for this completely unexpected news, also comes the hard stuff.  First up: sharing this news here.  I have to be honest and tell you that a part of me feels like 'why me and not her?'.  I already have my two miracles, whom I waited so long for.  My heart aches for those of you who are still waiting, and now, it seems to ache even more.  I feel as I though I should have told some of you already... But I just couldn't.  I have become a horrible post-infertility friend.  One of my biggest hopes is for all of you to have an ending to your story that's as happy as mine.  Second: I'm sick.  Again.  It wasn't fun the first time and it's not fun this time, either.  It might be less fun this time, if I'm being honest!  Along with the nausea comes the overwhelming feeling of 'am I a bad mom?'.  Some days I'm so sick that I have to put both boys in their exersaucers that are facing Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood on the TV, which we sometimes have on repeat- just so I can run to the bathroom to heave... Over and over again.  Also, those ideas and dreams of puréeing my boys' solid foods from organic fruits and veggies?  Ha.  Out the window.  At least Gerber sells an organic variety.  Third: and then there's work.  Ugh.  A full-time, high-stress job, plus being a mama of two, soon-to-be three is just tough.  It was tough the day I returned from maternity leave, and it hasn't gotten much easier.  And then there's the worst thing.  By far, the worst thing.  Fourth: after having my initial doctor's appointment, I had the normal panel of blood drawn and tested.  Expecting everything to be fine, I was shocked when I got a call from my doctor.  Apparently, I have elevated Kell antibodies.  Go ahead and Google it- there's not a whole heck of a lot about this out there... It's extremely rare.  My doctor said I could thank my husband for it, but I told him there's no way... At CCRM we were both tested for antibodies and we were both negative for everything.  It was then when my doctor asked me if I had ever had a blood transfusion - I did.  Two - after hemorrhaging severely almost immediately after I delivered the boys.  Apparently that's the reason I developed these elevated antibodies.  I now will be seen by an MFM throughout my pregnancy.  My first meeting with the high risk doctor is next Friday.  From what I understand, this could be bad for the baby and potentially may mean several intra-uterine blood transfusions.  Oh, and also- my doctor has already warned me of pre-term delivery.  Gulp.  My heart sank when I heard that.  I JUST went through that with the boys.  It was horrible... And I was one of the lucky ones.  We only endured 17 and 22 days in the NICU.  We had healthy babies, who really just needed monitored time while learning to breathe on their own, and how to eat.  I know it can be much, much worse than that.  And that scares me.  And speaking about what scares me?  My own health.  To say I delivered the boys in the most unnatural way, would be an understatement.  And then, I essentially had every complication you could have post-delivery.  It wasn't easy, that's for sure.  And for quite a few days after having the babies, I was scared... Not for theirs, but for my own life.

I'm counting every day that's given to me as a miracle, a true blessing.  This baby #3 has shocked us to our core.  A shock in the most wonderful of ways.  My family and I believe wholeheartedly that God is looking down from above, telling me to never, ever, doubt him again.  For He works miracles.  And as of tonight- I have proof of three.

I promise to try and update as much as possible.  Please know that, while I am definitely posting less, and commenting more sporadically, I am still here!  I am reading your updates and you are all never far from my mind!  XO

Thoughts from up in the air...

I'm currently posting from 30-something thousand feet in the air.  My first business trip post babies.  Gulp.  I've dreaded this day since before my return to work.  But here I am sitting on a plane headed to Chicago... with so many thoughts swirling around in my head.  So bare with me as I know this post will most certainly be all over the place.

First up: blogging.  Clearly, I've been horrible at finding time to write.  I have so much that I want to document in this space of mine, but I'm struggling.  I'm struggling first and foremost with just finding the time to sit down and type out my thoughts.  When I'm not working, I'm enjoying every single second with my boys.  When they're sleeping, I'm juggling everything else that needs to get done: laundry, bottle washing, baptism planning, and trying to figure out and plan for our upcoming move (yay! We bought a house!!).  Basically, I'm busy and blogging has taken a back seat.  I'm busy with everything I have ever wanted, and I often wonder how the rest of you full-time working mamas find time for everything!  But in addition to my days being so wonderfully filled with so much to do, I still can't figure out what I want to do with blogging.  It's been a constant struggle deciding where I want to take Two Hearts and One Dream.  I can't seem to find it in me to blog much about life after infertility.  So, stay tuned...

On another note, please tell me working moms... Does it get better?  Does it get easier?  Do you eventually find time to do things like shower and wash your hair?! Does the guilt of not being with your babies eventually go away?  I'm having a tough time... I'm trying to keep it together, but I will be honest... I'd MUCH rather be with my babies day in and day out.  Yes, I'm lucky that the boys are with Papa Tank.  Yes, I'm lucky that I work from home when not on the road (or in the air) and at meetings.  But, this transition has not been easy on me.  I know, at the end of the day, I have to work.  I don't have a choice.  I am thankful to have a job that allows me to help support our family.  A job that helped us buy a house and will allow us to provide for our little guys, who we so prayed for... But it's still hard.  The hardest part lately has been that come five o'clock, Austin and Camden have HAD IT!  They are fussy.  They are tired.  They want a 'bot-bot' and want to go to bed!  They aren't interested in smiling and playing with mommy and daddy after a day of fun with their Papa.  It breaks my heart a little, to be honest.  I'm praying that we will all feel a bit more comfortable with our routine as the days and weeks continue to pass...

Life is funny.  It's wonderful these days for me, even though I'm a working mom who may or may not have washed her hair in three to five days!  My heart has never been so full and I have never felt so blessed.  I truly feel like the luckiest person in the world.  I can honestly say that I have everything I had ever hoped for.  It's almost unbelievable how much life can change in a year.  My heart is still with so many of you who are waiting to be able to say what I've just written.  I often ask myself why I was chosen as one of the lucky ones, and I sometimes find myself just waiting for it to all fall apart again (don't forget, I'm a natural-born pessimist).  I'm not sure how much my infertility journey, the boys' birth story, and then my recovery, has hit me just yet.  I've found myself flipping through hospital and NICU pictures a lot lately and I truly feel luckier with every passing day.  I am lucky to be alive today.  I am lucky to be the mom to two of the most amazing, beautiful and  prayed-for baby boys.  I know that life can be hard.  I know that every day won't be (and isn't) peaches and cream.  But I know where I was a year ago today.  I remember that pain, that hurt, and that desire to become a mom more than anything in this world.  And here I am today....

Coming to an end

My four month maternity leave is coming to an end.  And I am on the verge of having a nervous breakdown over it.  Now, I know that I am extremely, extremely lucky to have taken so much time off from work in the first place, but it's still so difficult thinking about having to return in just over a week.  I am beyond grateful for my dad's help upon my return and it soothes my aching heart to know that my boys' days will be filled with more love than I could have ever hoped for during my working hours.  But still... my heart aches.  I'm trying to change my thought process so that every time I think about the hours I will be away from my boys, I instead think about all of the things we'll be able to do because of the paycheck I'll be receiving every other week.  I guess it helps.  A little. 

I knew from the very beginning that me returning to work would be in the cards for our family.  It was much easier said than done during the years that we were trying to conceive.  Then it happened - I got pregnant (!!!! Praise the Lord!!!!), and I was still OK with the fact that I knew I'd be returning to work once the boys arrived and I exhausted my leave.  But when my little three pound preemies arrived, my heart started aching immediately over the thought of returning to work.  Once we had a plan in place to move back to my home state (and in with my parents until we find a house of our own), I was able to put most of my worry aside.  But now that October 6th is so soon upon us, I feel like I'm walking around in a giant ball of anxiety.  Ahhhh!!!! 

So, I ask you working moms... How do you do it?!  Seriously... how do you turn your mind off from Mama to whatever your profession is?  Or do you never turn off your Mama brain?  And if that's the case, how do you add anything else in?  I can't even imagine being able to give my job my full attention.  I know it's possible... So many of you out there are doing it every day, but I just still feel like it's going to be impossible.  I don't want to be away from my babies... My little boys who I fought so long and hard for, who I delivered 7 weeks early, who I already had to spend time away from when they were born and in the NICU.  My.heart.aches!

On another note - we are officially no longer residents of Massachusetts!  Nick is finishing up his last week of work in Boston and will be with us here in Connecticut full-time come Friday.  He has next week off from work before starting his new job on October 6th (my return to work date).  I'm so thankful that we will be able to spend a week together as a family before we both resume our roles in the working world.  I plan to soak up every single second!

 

Where We've Been

Wow, it's been a while.  Our days have been hectic and crazy in the most wonderful of ways.  I hadn't intended for so much time to pass since my last post (and I promise to catch up on all of yours!), but here we are in September and on my boys' three month Birthday (WHAT?!?!)! 

 

I still haven't quite figured out where this little ole blog will take me.  I'm not entirely sure what I want to do with it... and truthfully how often I'll have time to share all of the happenings in our lives.  In the meantime, though, let me fill you in on what's been going on!

First - this happened!!!

We are moving!  In two weeks!!  When I came home from the hospital (with my boys still there), I had MAJOR anxiety about returning to work in October.  It was literally overtaking my every thought.  I couldn't stand it.  We hadn't yet figured out daycare for the boys and I just couldn't wrap my mind around my little, teeny-tiny preemies being dropped off at a center, or leaving them with a Nanny while I was traveling (truth is, I am pro-daycare and know that at some point, my boys will be in some sort of daycare - just not now, not yet).  My heart just about exploded with worry as to what we were going to do.  Ultimately, it was decided that we would move to Connecticut so that my dad, Papa Frank (or, Tank, as he likes to be called!) could watch them... all day, five days a week (he's a Saint and the best Papa out there!!).  And speaking of Saints... my husband is one as well.  Nick has known for years that my heart was aching to move home to the area where I grew up.  Having children of my own cemented that desire in my heart.  Couple my desire with my dad's offer to watch our boys and well... it was a done deal.  Our house was listed on a Thursday evening and on the following Monday we accepted an offer.  It has all moved incredibly fast and as you can imagine, in between caring for my little loves, I've been (trying to) pack, organize and everything else that comes along with selling a house.  It's been c-r-a-z-y!  Soon, we'll be settled in with my parents while we look for a house of our own.  Nick is in the final stages of interviews (fingers crossed something will work out!) and I'm fortunate enough in that my job allows for our relocation. 

Oh and speaking of my job... I have started to worry, really worry, about going back.  I just can't imagine devoting my mind all day to something other than my babies.  I don't know how you working Mamas out there do it, I really don't!  I still have about a month left of maternity leave and I'm trying my best to savor every single moment.  Perhaps my blog will turn into chronicles of a working Mom?  We shall see!

I'll leave you with some pictures of my little cherubs, though they're not so little anymore!  Austin is in the 92nd percentile for weight at 12.9 pounds and Camden is in the 88th percentile for weight at 12.3 pounds.  I sure am one proud Mama! 

Thank you Suzanne for the adorable onesies!  We love them!

Papa Tank refers to the boys as Texas (Austin) and New Jersey (Camden)

 

It Gets Me Every Single Time...

I just watched the season finale of Giuliana and Bill (a few weeks late) and as I sit here in tears, I'm reminded of my journey... and specifically, my journey of cycling at CCRM (all while I listen to my two miracle babies cooing in the pack n' play next to me... And that makes me cry even more!).  In this episode, G & B learned that, while everything went perfectly, their Gestational Carrier is not pregnant.  Their single embryo transfer did not work.  Cue the biggest lump in my throat.  You might be asking yourself, why is she so emotional over these celebrities who already have a miracle baby from a prior cycle?... Well, it's because this episode reminded me, in an instant, just how differently my story could have played out.

 

I know the feeling of receiving that dreaded call.  The call where the doctor is on the other end of the line telling you that you're not pregnant.  That you won't be having a baby in 9 months.  That, yet again, you will cry yourself to sleep, grieve, feel more anger than you knew ever existed deep within your soul.  I experienced seven of those calls before receiving the call that would forever change my life.  I still don't know how I had the strength to keep fighting.  To keep working toward what would become my sweet Austin and my sweet Camden.  Where did that strength come from?  How did I put it all on the line over and over and over again?  And how do so many of you do that, too?

CCRM: Retrieval #1

CCRM: Retrieval #2

I don't know that I will ever have the answer to how I did it... but wow... I'm glad I did.  I'm glad that I fought as hard as I did.  I'm glad that I put all of my faith and trust in God's hands as he worked wonders through the mind and hands of the magnificent Dr. Schoolcraft.  And as he worked wonders through my amazing nurse, the brilliant embryologists and everyone else who had a hand in my journey at CCRM.  I will be eternally grateful for everyone who had a part in every single step of my journey through infertility.

CCRM: Post Transfer

Because of them, I am sitting here, where I am today.  I am living my dream.  They are my dream:
 

 

 

1 MONTH

Austin and Camden are one month old today.  How the heck did that happen?!  My sweet little 3lb 11oz and 3lb 14oz babies are now just over 5lbs each and have been here for four weeks already.  I don't even have the words to describe the emotions that I've felt since the evening of June 5th when our sweet baby boys were finally brought into this world.  I am so incredibly blessed, grateful, happy and thankful.  I am a Mom.  A Mom to two of the most amazing little people in the world.  Wow!

(Sort of) Figuring it all out...

I truly hadn't meant to take such a long hiatus from blogging.  I guess I hadn't meant for much to happen that actually did the past (almost) month (holy moly, it's almost been a MONTH?!).  I didn't expect to go to my doctor's appointment two days shy of 33 weeks and to not return home again until I became a Mom (wow, I'm a Mom!).  I didn't expect to spend only two nights in the hospital prior to delivering my sweet boys.  I didn't expect for my platelet count to remain low (even after a platelet transfusion), resulting in the inability to have an epidural.  I didn't expect for the magnesium sulfate to kick my butt so hard that I wasn't able to deliver vaginally, sans an epidural.  I surely didn't expect to give birth to my babies via C-section under general anesthesia without my husband by my side.  And I really, really, didn't expect to be unable to see my babies for a whole 24 hours after they were brought into this world.  Wow, it's so emotional and I feel a lump in my throat from just typing all of that.

But... I also didn't expect to feel the love that I do for two, just-over-five-pound babies.  Oh the love... The love is indescribable.  It's more than I ever imagined possible.  More than I ever knew possible.  My love for my sons is so strong that it hurts.  But it hurts in such a good way.

Austin and Camden spent the first days of their lives in the NICU.  Camden, Baby B, came home after 17 days and Austin joined us after 22 days.  A little after three weeks from their birth, we finally became a family under one roof and my life felt complete.  Chaotic, but complete.  My heart was (and is) finally full.  I finally, finally, have what I've always wanted...  What I had begged and pleaded God for... a family... a baby... And I got TWO! 

Life at home with two is both tougher and more wonderful than I'm able to express here in writing.  We were blessed to have the help of my parents for quite some time.  My mom was with me since the day before the babies arrived and only left this past week.  Now that was tough... saying good-bye.  Here comes that lump in my throat again... oh boy!  Nick has four weeks off from work, though, and for that I'm so grateful!  While we're a bit sleep deprived on most days, we also feel like we're doing an OK job.  The babies are eating, sleeping, peeing and pooping all day every day and on top of that they get lots of mommy and daddy snuggles.  They've both gained weight and have received great reports from their pediatrician visits to date.  So far, so good I suppose?

I definitely doubt myself on a daily basis, wondering if I'm a good Mom.  I ask my husband and my Mom regularly if they think I'm doing a good job.  Perhaps much of that doubt is related to post pregnancy hormones?  Whatever it is, the doubt is there but so is the love and the love absolutely outweighs the doubt. 

As I sit here typing, I'm not sure where I want this post, or this blog, to go.  My babies will be one month old on Saturday and I cannot believe it - a month!  Four weeks!  What?!  How did that happen?!  I never envisioned myself as a mommy blogger writing about my children and life as a mother.  This blog may very well turn into that... someday.  But for now, I'm much too busy doubting myself, loving my boys and trying to keep up with their laundry to do much else.  So, bear with me and together we will see where Two Hearts and One Dream goes (I so admire all of you moms out there who find the time to blog and to do anything else other than feeding babies and changing diapers!!).

Thank you all for your love, support, encouragement and prayers.  I wouldn't be here, where I am today, without all of you!  XOXO