RAD is back and in full force. Love, love, love it. I know it all stems from the fact that my brother, sister-in-law, and niece were in town for the weekend. Butterfly has severe issues with the amount of attention she gets. From my perspective she gets plenty - there is always someone playing with her, we celebrated her birthday on Friday night so her Aunt, Uncle, and cousin could be there. They took her shopping to buy clothes for her birthday, played countless games of Old Maid, and the list goes on. We didn't spend much time at my parent's house, but the time we did we were rotating who was playing with her and giving her attention. The time we were at home she had my attention as well as her dad's. And yet, still not good enough. Someone else always has more. We went to a nice dinner at a steakhouse on Saturday to celebrate my parent's anniversary, me and hubby's anniversary and my brother and SIL's anniversary. Butterfly had a chicken tenders and fries, along with some of my steak and baked potato. When we were talking yesterday about why she doesn't get enough attention, she said Isla got a better dinner than she did - mushed up bananas. Once again, totally irrational.
I'm not sure what to do about this. I know she needs oodles and oodles of constant attention, but clearly even doing that isn't enough for her when someone else is around. Everything in her life is SO horrible. Isla sees Grandpa and Grandpa once a month. Butterfly sees them weekly. Isla wears a diaper - Butterfly has to use the bathroom. Isla gets mushed bananas - Butterfly has to eat steak, chicken and potatoes.
This really makes spending time with my family 100% unenjoyable. That's why we spent so little time over there. Which makes me angry because I want time with my brother and sister-in-law and my goddaughter. I don't see them often, so when I do, I want to be able to enjoy the time. But Butterfly makes it impossible. So, I don't know what to do. I'm not giving up my family to sit at home and watch her be pissed off. It's lose-lose. If I bring her with, she ruins everyone's time together, but if you leave her at home with a sitter, she's mad she isn't with the family. So what is the right thing to do? I must be missing another option. I'm getting really excited because we are going to Milwaukee for Isla's first birthday party at the end of September. I'm tempted to get B a babysitter while we're there, but there will be lots of people there to redirect her attention to.
Yesterday was rough. First, we were running errands and she made a list of all the reasons she doesn't like me. That was charming. Then, I caught her in the bathroom taking my brand new contacts out of the packaging and playing with them, along with playing with her dad's cologne. So cute.
We had a rough weekend. Her dad says her birthday should be canceled. I had told her she would be getting two fewer birthday presents so I could get new contacts. She still doesn't quite understand that ther isn't unlimited money in our house to replace everything that she ruins.
I wonder if maybe he is right and we should skip the party - it probably is too hard for her. Not skip it because of what she did yesterday, because those are two totally unrelated things. But skip it becasue it will too hard for her. I was cleaning yesterday and came across an old paper from our therapist that talekd about how hard holidays are on these kids, and not to fuss about it. But if we don't do a party I feel like a bad mom. We already gave out invitations to her girl scout troop. I don't know, I don't know.
So frustrated, and the week just started. She is going camping with her girl scout troop this weekend. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but we'll see.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Vacation, please!
What a week! Things have been just crazy. Work is nuts - everyone is trying to get into classes for fall, so I have been swamped. Butterfly started school last week, my dear hubby has been sick, and he is starting classes tonight and I am starting tomorrow night! Yipee!
Anyways, we had Parent Orientation on Wednesday night. I'm not sure what to think about Miss May, our new teacher. She is nice, but a little spacey. She is also a huge fan of discipline. She doesn't mess around, that's for sure. I'm hoping that will be a good combination with Butterfly? All of our previous teachers have been flaky when it comes to discipline. Miss May had all the kids sign a discipline contract, and she is very serious about it. After Orientation, I met with her to discuss lovely RAD. I put together a binder full of info, and apologized if it seemed pushy, but I had trouble in the past. She wasn't offended, and was more than happy to get the info, and promised to read it asap. So far, things have been fine, granted it's only been two full days. I'm going to stay positive.
In other news, the in-laws called Sunday morning. Surprise of all surprises - they are coming for Butterfly's birthday! Butterfly gave me the phone when she was finished because hubby was hanging some things for me, so I got to chat with my MIL (thanks). She was droning on and on about how long the drive will be, but they will come on Friday night and not get in until 11pm and then turn around and drive back on Sunday. We are doing B's family party Saturday night, and her friend party on Sunday. So, MIL kept asking if they should stay for the friend party or leave. I said it didn't matter, but she said "I'm really looking to you for direction on what to do here." (She's still irritated about her phone call with Patrick, so this is her way of keeping the ball in our court, and blaming us if they make a mistake.) Anyways, I was getting quite bored by the whole conversation, so I finally told her that I know driving is hard, so why don't they just fly. Flights are crazy cheap right now, and my parents and brother/sister-in-law do it all the time.
My reason for this suggestion is two-fold. Number one, it would shut her up about the long drive. Number two it would guarantee they don't back out of the party at the last minute. It was win-win, she was shocked at the good idea I had, and they got two plane tickets for $194 round trip. Beat that.
So, now it is time to plan for the big party. We obviously aren't going to tell B that they are coming until the day before.
I hope everyone's kids are doing okay going back to school! Happy Monday!
Anyways, we had Parent Orientation on Wednesday night. I'm not sure what to think about Miss May, our new teacher. She is nice, but a little spacey. She is also a huge fan of discipline. She doesn't mess around, that's for sure. I'm hoping that will be a good combination with Butterfly? All of our previous teachers have been flaky when it comes to discipline. Miss May had all the kids sign a discipline contract, and she is very serious about it. After Orientation, I met with her to discuss lovely RAD. I put together a binder full of info, and apologized if it seemed pushy, but I had trouble in the past. She wasn't offended, and was more than happy to get the info, and promised to read it asap. So far, things have been fine, granted it's only been two full days. I'm going to stay positive.
In other news, the in-laws called Sunday morning. Surprise of all surprises - they are coming for Butterfly's birthday! Butterfly gave me the phone when she was finished because hubby was hanging some things for me, so I got to chat with my MIL (thanks). She was droning on and on about how long the drive will be, but they will come on Friday night and not get in until 11pm and then turn around and drive back on Sunday. We are doing B's family party Saturday night, and her friend party on Sunday. So, MIL kept asking if they should stay for the friend party or leave. I said it didn't matter, but she said "I'm really looking to you for direction on what to do here." (She's still irritated about her phone call with Patrick, so this is her way of keeping the ball in our court, and blaming us if they make a mistake.) Anyways, I was getting quite bored by the whole conversation, so I finally told her that I know driving is hard, so why don't they just fly. Flights are crazy cheap right now, and my parents and brother/sister-in-law do it all the time.
My reason for this suggestion is two-fold. Number one, it would shut her up about the long drive. Number two it would guarantee they don't back out of the party at the last minute. It was win-win, she was shocked at the good idea I had, and they got two plane tickets for $194 round trip. Beat that.
So, now it is time to plan for the big party. We obviously aren't going to tell B that they are coming until the day before.
I hope everyone's kids are doing okay going back to school! Happy Monday!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Still Holding On
Well, Butterfly is still doing pretty good. She has had her moments, but they don't last and they are few and far between. One thing that has been hard for her originated from a phone call Sunday morning from none other than her Green Bay Grandparents! Shock.
They called Sunday morning and were chatting with her. During the course of the conversation they promised to try and come down for her birthday in September, and also promised to call that night to read a bed time story. My hubby and I both took our turns chatting - during these conversations they expressed to both of us that they likely wouldn't be calling because they were going golfing and to dinner with friends and weren't sure when they would get home, and the birthday thing probably wouldn't work out for them. Awesome.
So, I try to do some damage control since they had already shared these tidbits with Butterfly. We talked about how we feel disappointed when people don't follow through, and we'll have a good birthday no matter what, etc, etc. So she says to me "I just really hope NN doesn't mess up this time." HA. I asked her what she meant, and she said "NN messed up last time when she didn't come to my play. I hope she doesn't mess up this time for my birthday." Kids are adorable. Anyways, it's kind of been bothering her but she is doing okay - that afternoon was rough because she had a double whammy. Number one she is worried about her grandparents coming to her party and number two we took her to see Aliens in the Attic, and of course she couldn't let us get away with doing anything nice. So she had a nice screaming fit, then slept for two hours. She was a tired girl.
Monday I got a call from camp saying B was playing with another little girl and one of them had written B's name on a cabinet in marker but neither one would admit to it. I was beyond irritated, and maybe I jumped the gun but I assumed it had something to do with B being dysregulated because of the phone call from the morning before, so I told my hubby that either he called his parents and told them to stop making promises they can't keep, or I would and it wouldn't be very nice. (I say I jumped the gun, because it turned out B wasn't responsible. Oops.)
So, my dear MIL calls that night to talk to B, who is already in bed. She said "I guess I'm in trouble since I didn't call last night. Hahaha." Cute. My husband was less than thrilled and a ninety minute conversation ensued that covered everything from making promises to B to why they make me uncomfortable to prioritizing to the "family" trip to Florida that is conveniently at a time we cannot ever go to everything else. MIL said she felt blindsided and tried to play the victim but my husband wouldn't allow it. And she kept telling us that we need to call them to tell them if something is important, because they can't possibly know. And they work their butts off and have made sacrifices and they deserve to do what they want without Patrick making them feel bad. Oh it was interesting to say the least. Patrick left it by telling her that they could make the next move.
We haven't heard from them yet. I was keeping B's birthday party date in limbo to see when they could make it. One of the two weekends they said they couldn't make it. So I have decided to have the party the weekend I know they can make it. Their invite will be in the mail next week just like everyone else's. I'm not catering to anyone or contacting them.
Anyways, I would think I'd be more worked up about all this but I really don't care. Yes, it's an entertaining story, but that's about it. I'm not getting as worked up and hurt as used to. I can't handle the stress anymore. So I found a quote a week or two ago and wish I would have written it down. But basically it said that there are people that will come into our lives that for whatever reason we cannot have a relationship with - that's fine. Wish them well and move on. So that's my motto - I'm wishing my in-laws well and moving on. As I eavesdropped on the phone call between Patrick and his mother, I had a long overdue epiphany. This womans priorities, beliefs and values are world's apart from mine. And those beliefs and values are at our core and cannot be changed. We will never see eye to eye and any attempt to do so will fail. So why waste time trying? I wish them no ill will, but I cannot and will not try to mend a relationship that was never there. I'm wishing them well and moving on. :) And I feel darn good about it!
In other news, B hasn't flipped out about school yet. I 'm wondering when that will start?!
They called Sunday morning and were chatting with her. During the course of the conversation they promised to try and come down for her birthday in September, and also promised to call that night to read a bed time story. My hubby and I both took our turns chatting - during these conversations they expressed to both of us that they likely wouldn't be calling because they were going golfing and to dinner with friends and weren't sure when they would get home, and the birthday thing probably wouldn't work out for them. Awesome.
So, I try to do some damage control since they had already shared these tidbits with Butterfly. We talked about how we feel disappointed when people don't follow through, and we'll have a good birthday no matter what, etc, etc. So she says to me "I just really hope NN doesn't mess up this time." HA. I asked her what she meant, and she said "NN messed up last time when she didn't come to my play. I hope she doesn't mess up this time for my birthday." Kids are adorable. Anyways, it's kind of been bothering her but she is doing okay - that afternoon was rough because she had a double whammy. Number one she is worried about her grandparents coming to her party and number two we took her to see Aliens in the Attic, and of course she couldn't let us get away with doing anything nice. So she had a nice screaming fit, then slept for two hours. She was a tired girl.
Monday I got a call from camp saying B was playing with another little girl and one of them had written B's name on a cabinet in marker but neither one would admit to it. I was beyond irritated, and maybe I jumped the gun but I assumed it had something to do with B being dysregulated because of the phone call from the morning before, so I told my hubby that either he called his parents and told them to stop making promises they can't keep, or I would and it wouldn't be very nice. (I say I jumped the gun, because it turned out B wasn't responsible. Oops.)
So, my dear MIL calls that night to talk to B, who is already in bed. She said "I guess I'm in trouble since I didn't call last night. Hahaha." Cute. My husband was less than thrilled and a ninety minute conversation ensued that covered everything from making promises to B to why they make me uncomfortable to prioritizing to the "family" trip to Florida that is conveniently at a time we cannot ever go to everything else. MIL said she felt blindsided and tried to play the victim but my husband wouldn't allow it. And she kept telling us that we need to call them to tell them if something is important, because they can't possibly know. And they work their butts off and have made sacrifices and they deserve to do what they want without Patrick making them feel bad. Oh it was interesting to say the least. Patrick left it by telling her that they could make the next move.
We haven't heard from them yet. I was keeping B's birthday party date in limbo to see when they could make it. One of the two weekends they said they couldn't make it. So I have decided to have the party the weekend I know they can make it. Their invite will be in the mail next week just like everyone else's. I'm not catering to anyone or contacting them.
Anyways, I would think I'd be more worked up about all this but I really don't care. Yes, it's an entertaining story, but that's about it. I'm not getting as worked up and hurt as used to. I can't handle the stress anymore. So I found a quote a week or two ago and wish I would have written it down. But basically it said that there are people that will come into our lives that for whatever reason we cannot have a relationship with - that's fine. Wish them well and move on. So that's my motto - I'm wishing my in-laws well and moving on. As I eavesdropped on the phone call between Patrick and his mother, I had a long overdue epiphany. This womans priorities, beliefs and values are world's apart from mine. And those beliefs and values are at our core and cannot be changed. We will never see eye to eye and any attempt to do so will fail. So why waste time trying? I wish them no ill will, but I cannot and will not try to mend a relationship that was never there. I'm wishing them well and moving on. :) And I feel darn good about it!
In other news, B hasn't flipped out about school yet. I 'm wondering when that will start?!
Monday, August 3, 2009
Finally!
For the past nine months, I have been reading blogs of other Moms dealing with RAD. Every so often, I read posts about the great improvements they have made with their children. How the kids are beginning to come around, and they are actually able to enjoy their children. These posts have always made me happy. Happy that these families were able to find some peace, however briefly. And also happy that there was still hope for my family. However, recently, I've lost a lot of the hope that things could get better. I was starting to resign myself to the fact that I could not help this child, and we would never see eye to eye.
I'm not sure if there was something in the water this week, or what, but my darling RAD girl has actually been enjoyable and a family kid since Friday afternoon. I have no idea what triggered it, but shocked doesn't even begin to explain how I'm feeling.
On Friday, her dad picked her up from camp. She came home and I had her change into a new outfit and shoes from Grandma. I fixed her hair, and then we headed to a fish fry with Grandma and Grandpa. She was pleasant for the entirety of dinner. She followed directions, listened, was respectful, etc. She had a couple small moments, but as a whole she was better behaved than most "normal" kids. My mom just finished reading a book called Excuses Begone by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I'm reading it now, and have been learning a lot from it. Mom also purched the kids version of Dr. Dyer's book called "No Excuses." Let me tell you, this is a fantastic book. I read it to Butterfly at the fish fry, and we all really enjoyed it. It is a great lesson for all of us. Anyways, we went home and B went straight to bed.
The next morning, bright and early, I woke B up because we were going to be working with Grandma and Grandpa all day. They purchased a house to flip, and we were all going to spend the day working, so they could get the house on the market as soon as possible. Butterfly was fantastic the ENTIRE day. We got there at 8am, took a break around noon for lunch, and continued working until about 3:30. I'm not sure I could expect any kid to last that long doing work. But she was helpful, and only had a couple little slip-ups which were easily remedied with a kind reminder. She also entertained herself with a marker and cardboard box when there was nothing for her to help with. Our favorite part of the day though was lunchtime. Mom was getting everyone's lunches ready, and she handed B her kid's meal. B went to sit on the floor in the dining room, and came back in saying her hamburger wasn't in the bag. Normally, she would have been set off, and gone crazy. My mom reassured her that it had to be in the bag, and B said no it really wasn't. Mom and I went to check and again we both said, surely it had to be in the bag - check all the way at the bottom. As B walked back into the dining room, she said "Well, maybe I'm wrong." My Mom almost had a heart attack. That child has never handled a situation like that so calmly, and she has never admitted she may be wrong. Sure enough, she checked in the bag, and her hamburger was at the bottom. :)
And Sunday, we had some issues in the morning because she was bored, but nothing that would ruin the day. Around 12:30pm we took my parents boat out on the lake. We had some trouble getting it started (It hasn't been taken out for 2 years! And it's almost 40 years old!), but soon enough we were out and having a great time. Butterfly really enjoyed herself, and was having a fantastic time. She had a few moments of thinking she didn't have to listen to me, but again, we got her back on track. And of course when she got home, she was crazy tired, so some attitude came out, but she managed.
This morning, I woke her up at 6am because the dog had shredded toilet paper because she left the bathroom door open in the middle of the night. I nicely asked her to pick it up, and she did. No complaints. She went back to bed until 7am, when I woke her up again and she got dressed with no issues. Not one. And she left this morning for camp, and gave me a hug. She never does that. Ever.
Now, I know this won't last. Of course, I will enjoy it while it is here. I so wish I knew what was behind it - what has triggered this good behavior. She has really been trying, and I'm so proud of her. Anyways, it will be interesting to see how the rest of her week will go.
I'm not sure if there was something in the water this week, or what, but my darling RAD girl has actually been enjoyable and a family kid since Friday afternoon. I have no idea what triggered it, but shocked doesn't even begin to explain how I'm feeling.
On Friday, her dad picked her up from camp. She came home and I had her change into a new outfit and shoes from Grandma. I fixed her hair, and then we headed to a fish fry with Grandma and Grandpa. She was pleasant for the entirety of dinner. She followed directions, listened, was respectful, etc. She had a couple small moments, but as a whole she was better behaved than most "normal" kids. My mom just finished reading a book called Excuses Begone by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I'm reading it now, and have been learning a lot from it. Mom also purched the kids version of Dr. Dyer's book called "No Excuses." Let me tell you, this is a fantastic book. I read it to Butterfly at the fish fry, and we all really enjoyed it. It is a great lesson for all of us. Anyways, we went home and B went straight to bed.
The next morning, bright and early, I woke B up because we were going to be working with Grandma and Grandpa all day. They purchased a house to flip, and we were all going to spend the day working, so they could get the house on the market as soon as possible. Butterfly was fantastic the ENTIRE day. We got there at 8am, took a break around noon for lunch, and continued working until about 3:30. I'm not sure I could expect any kid to last that long doing work. But she was helpful, and only had a couple little slip-ups which were easily remedied with a kind reminder. She also entertained herself with a marker and cardboard box when there was nothing for her to help with. Our favorite part of the day though was lunchtime. Mom was getting everyone's lunches ready, and she handed B her kid's meal. B went to sit on the floor in the dining room, and came back in saying her hamburger wasn't in the bag. Normally, she would have been set off, and gone crazy. My mom reassured her that it had to be in the bag, and B said no it really wasn't. Mom and I went to check and again we both said, surely it had to be in the bag - check all the way at the bottom. As B walked back into the dining room, she said "Well, maybe I'm wrong." My Mom almost had a heart attack. That child has never handled a situation like that so calmly, and she has never admitted she may be wrong. Sure enough, she checked in the bag, and her hamburger was at the bottom. :)
And Sunday, we had some issues in the morning because she was bored, but nothing that would ruin the day. Around 12:30pm we took my parents boat out on the lake. We had some trouble getting it started (It hasn't been taken out for 2 years! And it's almost 40 years old!), but soon enough we were out and having a great time. Butterfly really enjoyed herself, and was having a fantastic time. She had a few moments of thinking she didn't have to listen to me, but again, we got her back on track. And of course when she got home, she was crazy tired, so some attitude came out, but she managed.
This morning, I woke her up at 6am because the dog had shredded toilet paper because she left the bathroom door open in the middle of the night. I nicely asked her to pick it up, and she did. No complaints. She went back to bed until 7am, when I woke her up again and she got dressed with no issues. Not one. And she left this morning for camp, and gave me a hug. She never does that. Ever.
Now, I know this won't last. Of course, I will enjoy it while it is here. I so wish I knew what was behind it - what has triggered this good behavior. She has really been trying, and I'm so proud of her. Anyways, it will be interesting to see how the rest of her week will go.
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