Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

The holidays are never easy, are they? Butterfly has been ALL over the place these past few days. No matter what we try she is just a mess. There is just so much going on, and no matter how much we try to shield her from it at home, it's coming at her from every other direction. But we'll survive. Tomorrow I have the day off to be home with her. I think we'll start out by making a Christmas card for BirthMom. She doesn't want to talk about her much these days at all, but I know it's still in there.

I was watching Fox News this morning and was so sad to see a woman who was trying to get their adopted son taken away by the state. She found knives under his mattress and a note saying he was sorry he had to kill her. Scary and devastating. They mentioned RAD along with numerous other problems. So sad. They will be in my prayers.

Best of luck to all of you this Christmas! I hope your little darlings handle it all as well as can be expected! Can't wait to catch up with everyone's blogs in the New Year! (assuming I survive the visit with the in-laws. haha.)

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope you find peace and love this season!

Progress?

Butterfly has been taking her supplements for nearly two weeks. Any changes? Maybe, kinda, sorta, not really.

The first week she was FANTASTIC. Call it the placebo effect. She was well-behaved, loving, understanding, sweet and just all around nice. She listened and followed directions. No breakdowns, no yelling, hitting or screaming. Just a genuinely sweet girl who was excited about the thought of getting better.

Then Saturday came and she was a little cranky. Sunday came (along with St. Nick's Day), and she was a little crankier. Which, we of course expected since she was getting presents. She has stayed pretty consistent the rest of the week - a little crabby, but quick to get herself back together. Also quick to apologize when she know's she's been hurtful or disrespectful.

So, while we didn't expect these supplements to be a quick fix, they have resulted in some improvements. Now, whether they are actually working already or B just thinks they are, I don't know. However, I absolutely will not complain. Her behavior has been great compared to the last few months, and I expect far worse around the holidays. So, I know the bumps in the road are going to start popping up very soon, that's okay. I am very impressed with her ability to recollect after a problem, and acknowledge what she did wrong. Big improvements!

Regarding Dr. D - we didn't find him. Our therapist recommended him based on recommendations she had received from other clients. I have found that chiropractors tend to be the better resource for getting a hair analysis, as our pediatrician doesn't seem to be a believer of the whole thing. The website for the lab that did the analysis is www.arltma.com. Not sure if this will help, but maybe they would know of someone in your area that does this? Also, I had no idea fish oil helped kids with their concentration. We will have to give it a try!

Hopeful

I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving. Ours was perfect....I'm still shocked. A quick recap:

Butterfly was off on Wednesday and my husband stayed home with her. They cleaned the house and B finished her placemats that she was coloring for family members. On Thursday, I cooked all day, hubby watched football, and B helped set the table and watched Tinkerbell. We also went to the nursing home to visit my grandpa. When we got home we sat down to a perfect Thanksgiving dinner - just the three of us. We had fun together, laughing and enjoying our meal. Afterwards, we went to see The Way of Lights - a big light display at the Shrine just down the road. We came home, had dessert, and B went off to bed. Patrick and I watched Four Christmases and went to bed, as I had to be up at 2:30 am for Black Friday!!

Friday, I did my shopping and B went off to Drama Camp for the day. That night we ate leftovers, watched Up, then went downtown for a Community Sing-a-long and the lighting of the Christmas tree.

Saturday, B was back off to Drama Camp to try out for the role of Jesus in Godspell, which shockingly, she didn't get. :) Patrick and I went to see New Moon then to buy our Christmas tree and to lunch. Such a relaxing day, and I love spending time with my husband. We picked B up from camp, came home and B and her daddy played Monopoly while I cleaned the bedroom.

Sunday, I made chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. Patrick and I then wrapped Christmas presents while B played. Patrick and B played another game of Monopoly while I ran errands. When I got home, we decorated the Christmas tree then had a pizza party and played Monopoly.

Pretty boring weekend, right??? It was FABULOUS. It was quiet and relaxed and dare I say, NORMAL. We all got along. We did things together. There was no yelling and no hurtful words. It was exactly what all of us needed. We all dreaded Monday.

And Monday did not disappoint. B woke up and with absolutely no provoking went off into a full RAD rage. Patrick and I handled it well and sent her off to school. I picked her up early so we could go to her chiropractor to get the results from the hair analysis. On our hour drive, we talked about things that happened in the morning. Then she started in on her same old story that other kids have better parents that do more for them. I let it go. Then she asked if I took a lunch break at work today. I informed her that I did not and she asked why. I explained that I had to leave work four hours early to pick her up from school and take her to the doctor so I wasn't able to take a lunch. She thought for a minute and then said "Thank you for using some of your vacation time to make sure I got to go to my doctor."

We got to the doctor's office and boy was it interesting!!! Here's what we learned.

Her Calcium and Magnesium levels are off the charts. Her cells are not absorbing these minerals at all.

She has low sodium and potassium levels, but higher potassium than sodium. This can cause anger, bad tempers and irritability. The low ratio can often lead to hostility.

Her high calcium/magnesium ratio and low sodium/potassium ratio are often associated with chronic stress.

Her indigestion issues can also be related to her sodium/potassium inversion as it is indicative of an excessive stress situation.

It is also not uncommon for an individual with a severely high calcium level to suffer from low self-esteem. An elevated calcium level literally causes chemical depression of the cenral nervous system.

She also has high levels of lead and aluminum. Both can be passed from parent to child. These are found mostly in brain cells, and are blocking her brain cells from working correctly. Lead can come from cigarette smoke (birthmom smoked through the entire pregnancy), lead paint and lead pipes (BM is from Europe and things are very old there). Aluminum can come from vaccinations, drinking from aluminum cans and using aluminum cookware.

So, the doctor prescribed three supplements - one to deal with her immune system, one to help with digestive issues and another to detox the heavy metals. He also gave us Celtic sea salt to use daily, and a new diet for her to follow.

I don't know if it will work, but I am very hopeful that this will be what we need. For so long, we feel like we have hit a wall and all the therapeutic parenting in the world can't get passed it. Her anger has been such an issue, and I am so hopeful that these changes will help break through that.

Butterfly is nervous, yet so excited about all of this. She is also very hopeful that these supplements and diet changes will help her. She is ready to change, but she struggles so much and as hard as she tries she just can't.

Our therapist highly recommends this, and has noted numerous clients having a lot of luck. So fingers crossed that this will be another thing to help in the healing process!!!!

And now, I am off to the dentist. My absolute least favorite place...

Disturbing

Yesterday, Butterfly's school had a Veteran's Day program and were asked to invite any veterans to attend. My husband, a veteran of the Air Force, went to the program. B seemed very pleased that he was there. When I picked her up from school she was completely out of sorts. Everything was an issue. She played games with her homework, and I stuck to the rules that we had come up with. She continued screaming, yelling, hitting and throwing things as I put her in her room. At that time I found out she was upset that I didn't go to the Veteran's Day program. I explained I wasn't a veteran but she said I was a veteran to her. I tried to explain what a vet is until I realized that no amount of rationalization was going to get through to her. She then said how sad she was by a song the 4th graders sang that talked about people dying and she doesn't like that. I empathized the best I could.

She kicked the dog and tried to punch him in the snout. I ended up putting up the baby gates in the doorway of her room, as I didn't want to her to hurt the dog or myself. I sat at the kitchen table and began working on a presentation for class Thursday night. Butterfly screamed at me the entire time. I wrote down what she was saying as it was so bizarre, I wanted to be sure I remembered it correctly. She said the following:

"Don't come in here or I will hurt you. I will bite you and kick you and hit you. I will kick you in the privates. You don't want me to hurt you. One time I hurt a boy named Caleb so bad that he was screaming bloody murder. And no one knew I did it but it happened in preschool. And only his parents knew I did it and they said that it better never happen again or we couldn't play together anymore. But it happened again. I hurt him again and his parents were out of town and no one knew about it. You only know because I'm telling you. And then I threw up on him and you would throw up too if I told you the rest of the story."

I just let her get it all out. And it isn't the hurting me part I find so disturbing. It was her attitude towards the dog and the story she told. I assume it was all made up. I called her grandparents who she lived with during preschool to see if they remembered a Caleb and they do not. I think she got the name from the A Safe Place for Caleb book.

I'm just at a loss. I don't know where this all came from, and don't know what to do.

Ready for a Vacation!

Oh, my. It has been a crazy couple weeks. I will try to keep it to short updates, otherwise I just know I will start to ramble.

1. After Butterfly stole the teacher's candy the week before Halloween, I thought we could move on. Hahaha. The following week she stole more candy from the school social worker, stole makeup and hairspray at home, and stole candy off her teacher's desk that apparently was hers. AHHHH. We've found some ways to deal with it at school. Fortunately, the principal isn't suspending her because she meets with our therapist and knows it isn't any help. They've been doing some other things though, that seem to be working.

2. Halloween she actually did quite well. I only allowed her one piece of candy that night, and she handled it with no breakdowns. Granted my mom had so much other food that night, I'm sure B didn't feel too deprived.

3. We met with the chiropractor on Thursday. We didn't really accomplish much that day. They took a hair sample and sent it off for an analysis. Apparently, in RAD kids they find a lot of metals in their systems which are causing issues in their brain cells. Dr. Dinkelmann has found that once this is addressed through supplements, then RAD kids show vast improvements. I'm so willing to try anything. We have our next appointment on November 30. They should have the results from the analysis at that time. I'm excited to see what they find. He also looked at her eyes and said that if there are toxins in the body you will see a black line around the eye. B has one. My mom and I were checking ourselves out in the car, but didn't notice anything... :)

4. B and I spent all day together on Saturday running errands. She actually did a great job. We went to Home Depot for the kid's workshop, and she made a trivet for Thanksgiving dinner. We also went grocery shopping, clothes shopping for me, to lunch and to the bookstore so I could get some homework done. We were trying to steer clear of the house so my husband could have some quiet to get all of his homework finished. B only had a small almost not even an issue when we got lunch at Chick-fil-a. We had never eaten there, and she thought they were cheating her on chicken nuggets because she had decided they were too small. But she got it back and check and was lovely to spend the rest of the day with. When we got home, it was time to rake leaves in the front yard. We have two huge oak trees in our front yard - they are at least 60 years old. Anyways, our entire yard was covered, and only 1/3 of the leaves have fallen already. Super. Luckily, my dad let me borrow the leaf blower, so I blew the leaves while Patrick burned them in the street, and B had a blast jumping in the gigantic piles.

5. Sunday was Patrick's birthday. We went to church, then breakfast while B was at Sunday School. Afterwards we went home to finish burning the leaves. B had a meltdown because she didn't want to help pick up sticks while we were working in the yard. I put her inside and had her rest and take a nap. I knew she had to be tired from being good the entire day on Saturday, but I also wasn't letting her ruin her dad's birthday. Later we went to a movie and out for ice cream. Then after that, to my parent's house for a birthday dinner. We all had a nice evening, and B did a good job of holding it together. She shot me a few dirty looks through dinner, but stopped after I addressed each one and explained how unnecessary and inappropriate it was. It was a nice, relaxing evening.

6. I also called my dear MIL on Friday night. She wanted suggestions for Christmas gifts for B. We decided we just mostly want them to give her money to go towards supplements for B. It turned into a 1 hour conversation where I told my MIL everything she didn't want to hear. And as always, I know she didn't hear a word of anything, but I just don't think it's fair that she lives her happy life in denial about what is wrong with her granddaughter. So she got an earful. Even my mom was surprised by some of the things I said. Anyways, she is trying really hard to think of ways that she can help Patrick and I but she just can't think of anything to do to help. She will try to remember to pray for us. Oh, and when they finally called to wish their son a happy birthday, my MIL blamed Patrick for being too stressed and causing all of B's issues and problems these last couple weeks. Happy Birthday!

7. Finally, honestly the reason we NEED to have consequences for homework is I don't know. We've tried not to have consequences, and we can't do it. Some days we do it okay, and some days seeing her not doing her work just sends us over the edge and we end up yelling which is counterproductive. So, this way we don't have to get worked up because we can just look at our rules and we all know how homework is supposed to go. It actually has taken a lot of the stress off for all of us. As always, I have no idea how long it will last, but I'll enjoy it for as long as it does!!

A rollercoaster ride...

First, thank you for the tips regarding B's anger. I think it is definitely time to go back and reread all our books.

It has been a crazy, rollercoaster kind of week. After I last posted, things took a turn for the worse. We are slowly getting back to our normal. On Wednesday, the principal called to tell me that B got in trouble for saying "fr*ckin" and would be missing two recesses. Thursday, the teacher called to let me know B got caught with a lunch bag full of M&Ms. Turns out she stole five bags from her teacher. I had class that night, so when I picked her up from my Mom's house, I took her to Walgreens. She bought ten bags of M&Ms, a card, and tissue paper/gift bag with her own money. She was livid. As she was paying, she looked at me and said "I wanted to use this money to buy something nice for myself. You should use your debit card to pay." I love the absolute lack of cause and effect thinking. She was in full RAD mode - it didn't matter what I said or did, she just kept pushing and escalating. I was beyond exasperated by the time my husband got home. He was even angrier than she was. He really internalizes everything that she does at school, I guess because he is in school to be a teacher.

Anyways, we were all at our wits end. This seriously was the one week I wanted no stress, so I could have a successful doctor's appointment. Hahaha. Shirley, our therapist, came Friday afternoon. I have never been happier to see her! My husband, on the other hand, was less thrilled. As soon as she mentioned that we need to stop fighting her homework, and just let B know that thrid grade would be there next year, he tuned her out. My Mom then was pissed because she's paying for it and he's acting like a child and staring at the wall (it was rather upsetting to see him act that way). The session ended with my mom leaving to give us time alone with Shirley, me in tears, and Patrick continuing not to acknowledge his feelings. I can't even begin to explain how angry I was with him for acting that way. He picked B up from school, and was still angry with her for her less than stellar week at school. I knew I couldn't be around him, and I didn't want to leave B with his negativity either. I put a call in for pizza for him, washed the horrendous face painting off B, and took her to run errands with me.

In the car, I told her we needed to talk and that I was just stressed about the whole week, and knew she must have been, too. She asked when Shirley was coming (I believe this is where her behavior was coming from - afraid of Shirley finding something out?), and I let her know that she had already met with her this afternoon. I told her that Shirley, Dad, Grandma and I had spent the afternoon trying to figure out ways to help B. Suddenly, she burst into tears. Real tears, not her droopy, poopy, fake RAD girl tears. I asked why she was crying and she said "I didn't realize you were trying to help me. You guys are all trying to help me." She said it in such disbelief. We chatted a little more, and she cried some more until we got to the mall. We picked up her pictures from Penney's then went to dinner and did a little shopping for her 80s girl Halloween costume. All in all, a successful and relaxing evening for both of us.

Still, I wanted to hang my husband. We talked a little Friday night, and I told him how angry and disappointed I was in him. He got irritated and wouldn't talk anymore. Saturday, my mom and I had planned to go shopping, but I hadn't heard from her. I debated on if I should go over or not, because I knew she was still furious from Friday (as was I), and I didn't much feel like listening to her yell. But I knew it would be worse if I didn't go, so off I went it. She yelled at me about him for about 15 minutes all the while telling me she hated having to do this to me since it wasn't my fault. But she was mad. Anyways, she got it out of her system and we were able to enjoy the rest of the day together, making progress on Halloween costumes and Christmas shopping.

Saturday night I went home, and tried talking to Patrick again. Still not much luck. We went to church Sunday morning, and then after awhile of him still being pissed and wanting it to affect me, and me going on about my day, he finally broke and talked about it. We have been having conversations on and off since then about it, and I think we are finally getting to a place where he understands that what he did was immature and inappropriate, and this is his daughter and he needs to step up.

I fully acknowledge my shortcomings in all of this, and after Friday I am trying to make a conscious effort to do better. Sometimes B just irritates me to no end. And I haven't been patient enough with her. And I yell and do everything I shouldn't because she is just so IRRITATING. Shirley was a reminder that irritation is one of the worst emotions we can show RAD kids. And most nights, it is just B and I, so I have her do her work by herself while I worry about the 524 other things I need to get done. She isn't getting the attention she needs. So, this week I have tried to make a more conscious effort to be present and patient. I made it through Monday and Tuesday!!!! I have been more available to her, patient when she is struggling with homework, while she eats dinner I have sat across from her and chatted. I've spent time reading with her and cuddling. These things are so difficult for me to do, because I have lost so much feeling towards this child. But I recognize that I need to be the adult, and she isn't going to get better with me acting like that. So as Shirley always reminds us - Fake it til you make it! So I'm trying.

Also, my husband and I struggle with the homework thing because neither one of us can honestly say "third grade will be there next year" and just not be involved with her schooling. We are both in education - it's ingrained in us! So B and I chatted and came up with homework rules. I wrote them on the dry erase board, and we both signed them. (Dad signed later when he got home from class.) We decided that:
1. She has a set amount of time (which will always be plenty) in which to complete each assignment. (ex. spelling words - 15 min)
2. She gets to choose if she is going to complete the assignment or not.
3. If she doesn't complete the assignment, we determined four consequences - the same ones every night. So, if she chooses not to finish spelling words, she gets the first consequence automatically. I won't fight it with her, and I won't yell at her for not finishing her work. We just move onto the next assignment.

I don't know - these may not be the greatest for RAD kids. But it's the only way I can think of to keep myself calm and consistent. Plus, she goes nuts about doing homework - "It's going to take forever!!!" But if I give her fifteen minutes, she knows that isn't a long time, and she can be done quick. I guess we'll see how this works for awhile. She did great last night, and was done with her homework so quickly that she was able to have time for a long shower, and reading time with me. It was a good night.

Of course, I still got irritated, but I made a conscious effort to stay calm and keep it together. She has also been a lot needier since she knows that I'm around, which drives me nuts, but I guess it won't hurt to give her some attention, will it? :) It is going to take time for me to get better at this, but I'm going to keep trying. Patrick is with her tonight while I run errands. I just talked him through how to handle everything and what he needs to do. I'm going to bring pizza home later and we'll watch It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

In other news, Shirley recommended a chiropractor to us. He doesn't charge for kids under 12, and apparently has done fantastic things for her other clients. He checks their toxicity levels and works on that. She said she recently had two clients that have been seeing him call to cancel appointments because their RAD kid has made such progress, so now they need her less frequently. Cool. I'll give anything a shot. I put a call in to make an appointment, and hope to hear back tomorrow (they're closed today).

So that's where we are...I'm trying to stay optimistic that we can all stay on the right track.

Update

First, my dear Butterfly is in search of a new family. If you know of one, please let me know. Apparently, we are too mean and frustrating, and her life would be much better if she were in foster care. Her words, not mine.

Anyways, things have been going. Butterfly has been all over the place. She handled our trip to Milwaukee for my goddaughter’s birthday surprisingly well. No major issues before, during or after. Yay.

She also handled my parents 12 day trip to Italy well. She was so thrilled to pick them up at the airport. She’s never done that before, so it was a treat. She made a sign, and anxiously awaited their arrival. She loved surprising them, and of course was thrilled to see them after two weeks.

In general, Butterfly has just been consistently difficult. There is always an issue. Either her clothes don’t fit or I’m too mean or someone hurt or feelings or just in general someone else has it better than she does. I’m so tired of hearing it.
Saturday night my family had our annual “Shootsenfest” at the clubhouse. My grandpa has a clubhouse on a river – an old rundown shack on stilts – no heat, no bathrooms, no nothing. My uncle started the tradition a few years ago – we spend the afternoon/evening shooting clay pigeons (hence Shootsenfest), sitting around the campfire, taking wagon rides through the forest and eating yummy foods. We drove out with my parents, and everyone was having a good time. My cousins have little girls ranging in age from 2 – 12, so they all play together quite well. My least favorite part is that everyone brings Halloween treats for the girls. Well, Butterfly gorged on candy (my fault – I was trying not to cause waves), went on a hayride and endured some ribbing from the family (as did everyone else), and was just in general worn out from her day. She had the most colossal fit I have ever seen. The night was winding down and it was getting late, and the girls were all sacked out on an aunt, mom or grandma’s lap, so I called B over so she could start to chill. She was not happy, and started getting witchy. I had already told her I wasn’t going there, and it got a little worse so I took her to the truck and we got inside, and she lost it. Hitting, kicking, screaming. She was insane. God bless my husband, he came and took over quickly. My mom walked to the truck and couldn’t believe what she saw. She had never seen B act like that. Anyways, it was a rough way to end the day, but we learned she still isn’t ready for all of that. We thought she could handle it, but in the future we will have to go to these events for a short period of time, and be sure to drive separately so if there is an issue, we can leave.

So, anyways, we have survived it and are moving on. No new news on the in-laws. They have been laying low, and B talked to them Sunday night for the first time in two weeks. I’ve stopped talking about them in any capacity when she is around, and don’t make it my job to make sure she talks to them. They are being slightly passive aggressive and trying to get us to come up North for Thanksgiving, but Patrick and I are very firm that it will not be happening. Last year we talked about holidays, and decided that since Thanksgiving is the least emotionally charged holiday for families out of the three big ones, it would be the one that we always celebrate at home, so we could start family traditions. Of course, anyone is welcome to join us any year. It is surprising to me how important it has already become to B – this will be our third year. I was chatting with her this weekend and just letting her know what to expect for the holidays, and told her it would be the three of us for Thanksgiving. She was so happy, and was relieved to know we would be carrying on our family tradition of going to see the Way of Lights at the Shrine. (It’s a big display at the Shrine by our house of lights that you drive through and it depicts everything from Mary and Joseph traveling to Bethlehem to the Birth – it is AMAZING.) I was surprised how important such a little thing like that is to her. But it’s good to see.

Also, the day after Thanksgiving, B will be starting the winter drama camp for the first time!! They will be putting on Godspell, which is the very first drama camp show I ever did! I’m SO excited…and she is, too. She will be busy at camp every Saturday through Christmas, then the shows will be the Tuesday and Wednesday after Christmas. This is the first year we have been able to make it work, and we are hoping it is something she will be able to do in the future.

Anyways, I have been trying to stay relaxed this week, as I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday. These every three month appointments are getting old, and I am hopeful for good results, so I can get on the once a year plan like everyone else. Of course, my stress-free week hasn’t been off to the best start. B came home ready to fight, and left me with a pounding headache which lasted me well into this morning. I’ll try again tonight.

And in the meantime, if anyone has tips for dealing with my little dear’s anger issues, I would be forever grateful. I’ve never seen her like this before, and don’t know if this is “normal” or if I’m missing something huge again.

We're Going to Pass...

This was too funny, I just had to share. My Goddaughter's birthday party is on Saturday in Milwaukee, so we are headed North for the weekend. Back in August I suggested to my in-laws that they should meet us on Sunday for brunch or lunch. They thought it was a great idea, since they were going to be in Madison that weekend and would be driving through Milwaukee on Sunday. They were planning to attended a football game, and then stay the night in Madison. I called last night to make sure they still wanted to get together and to set a time/place.

I asked if we were still on for Sunday, and my dear mother-in-law responded, "Brie, I think we're going to pass. We just saw you guys a couple weeks ago, and we had a great time." Huh?! I didn't know what to say, obviously! I stuttered something incomprehensible, and she said "This is your weekend with Isla, and we decided it's not worth it for us to stay the weekend. The game starts earlier than we thought, so we're going to head home afterwards." I told her we wouldn't be able to see Isla on Sunday because she was having her 1 year pictures taken, and I told my SIL we would stay out of their way. So, then she says "Well, I'm sure your Grandma will enjoy the extra time with all of you. Like I said, we're just going to pass since we were all just together."

I have never in my life heard of family "passing" on spending time together! You pass on veggies or the little kid selling candy at your door - not spending time with family! I also love that she tried to make it sound like she was doing me a favor because it would give me more time with my family. She also suggested we will need to talk about getting together in October or for Thanksgiving. Ha. I think I'm going to pass.

Anyways, it was the most hilarious conversation I've had in awhile. And awkward. When Patrick got home I told him about our chat, and he was speechless. I really think he was shocked. I do feel bad for him, but I still think it is hilarious. All he could say was "I will never feel bad about them not getting to see B again."

And for a quick update on B - she is lost in constantly feeling horrible for herself. What a depressing life. She woke up this morning, and was upset that in first grade (two years ago) she didn't have a library card. ???????? And I mean severely upset and angry and just off the charts crazy about it. There was no calming her down about anything.

Oh, and on Saturday Patrick had quite a bit of homework to get through, so I took B running errands with me. I was trying to find a charm for Isla's charm bracelet, get her Halloween costume, and a couple other things. She kept saying these passive aggressive comments about me and Isla - SO frustrating. I finally had to sit her down in the mall and have a chat about what was going on and all that good stuff. We were briefly interrupted by two very classy young men stealing shoes from the shoe store we were sitting near, which is always lovely for a young child to see. Anyways, she improved after our chat and we went on about our day. She chose a Halloween costume - an egypshe as she said. To the rest of us, a gypsy.

Pictures!

Today is Butterfly's 9th Birthday. Happy Birthday! She has had a rough morning, and I don't have a lot of confidence in her improving for tonight. In any case, I wanted to share some pictures from her Willy Wonka birthday this weekend with you! Here they are!

Enjoying their treats.

The invitations.

Wonka's Contract.


Lollipops.

Wonkavision Goggles.

Game time! Hot potato with a Wonka Golden Goose Egg!

Musical Lollipops!

The girls in their Wonkavision Goggles!

The Birthday Girl.

Birthdays and In-Laws

I have never been happier for Monday morning. The past couple weeks have been almost unbearable. Butterfly has been in a mood because of school (my last post) and the fact that her birthday is coming up. Everything has been a fight, and no amount of loving parenting has helped. In fact, most times it made it worse. Hard as I try, I can't tell you what all the triggers have been, and I'd probably just be guessing if I did, so we won't go there.

My in-laws flew in late Friday night for Butterfly's birthday parties. We didn't tell her until after school on Friday. We decided it was a lose-lose situation - if we didn't tell her she would be angry that they weren't coming. If we did tell her early she would be a wreck trying to figure out how to hide her RAD while they were here. She didn't see them until Saturday morning, as she was asleep when they got in. Patrick had a certification test early that morning, so he wasn't around. When I woke up (with my first pounding tension headache since July) I could hear my little darling putting on her "I'm a fabulous adult, love me, love me" show for her grandparents. I called her in and had a little chat about feeling safe with them and the show she puts on. If it continued I promised I would have everyone sit down and we would all talk about her RAD and feeling safe. That put a stop to it.

The in-laws and Patrick took B to the zoo for the afternoon, so I could have the house to myself to prep for the party that evening. Everything went well - she was well-behaved for the most part, so I can't complain. My dad pointed out though how strategically she chose to open gifts. My best friend Lisa had to leave to get to another party, so B opened her gift first. After Lisa left, B put on a little act about oh, who is this from? So, first she opened the gifts that she thought were from her Green Bay grandparents - then she opened from us, then from my parents. There was something very strange and methodical about how she did it...I'm not sure why. Anyways, she gave her half-hearted thank you hugs to her GB GPs and then gave her hugs to me and Patrick, then for one second couldn't help herself and let down her guard (when all her grandparents are together she tries very hard not to show any favoritism among them. it's interesting to see a child be so incredibly aware of everything.) - she hopped on my dad's lap and snuggled and hugged him and same with my mom. It was completely genuine, not an ounce of manipulation. But then she realized what she did and went right back to trying not to show any favoritism. Funny kid.

Sunday was a party with her friends. I never realized how mean and inappropriate third grade girls could be. I was not impressed all but a couple completely lack respect and manners. It's so sad. No wonder Butterfly thinks I'm so strict. None of the other parents enforce anything with their kids. This was our last friend party. I've already told Patrick and my mom that next year when I get ready to plan the party to remind me that I'm not doing it. It is far too much for her to handle, not to mention the stress I put myself through. So family party and then done. The party was fun though, don't get me wrong. We had a Willy Wonka theme - I will post pictures this week.

After the party it was just horrendous. B was so worked up by everything - she was screaming, yelling, hitting, crying, etc. It must have been hard to hide all that while her GB GPs were in town. She took a nap and went to bed early - she was a tired girl for sure.

No issues to report with my in-laws. Every time my mom or I tried to say something about Butterfly's RAD or her behaviors, she would not acknowledge it. Just answer with a Mmm-hmm or that must be hard. Never a word more. As my mom said, if she acknowledges it then it becomes her problem too, and part of her life that she has to deal with. As long as she pretends it doesn't exist she can just go on with her life, and she certainly doesn't want this minor detail to get in the way of her life. Oh well.

So it's over, and we can move on. Butterfly's actual birthday is on Thursday. Patrick has class and I have a parents meeting for Girl Scouts, so I'm not sure how we will celebrate. Maybe a quick dinner out before the meeting...

Oh, and in good news. We got some relaxation last weekend because B went camping with the Girl Scouts. They left Saturday morning and were back Monday afternoon. Patrick and I were able to make a ton of progress getting the house cleaned and organized, we went out to eat and saw two movies, did some shopping, and he made his very first trip to Build-a-bear to make puppies for our niece and nephew. It was so relaxing, and such a great reminder that there is life outside of RAD, which we usually tend to forget.

B had an uneventful morning. She did what she told, and there was no screaming, yelling or arguing. Hopefully now that the birthday stress is behind her, she can move on. Fingers crossed!

Duh!

Ever have one of those days where you feel like you totally missed the boat and don't get RAD at all? I had one yesterday, and boy do I feel silly today. Butterfly has been a royal pain in the behind all week, and I had no real knowledge of why. Here I am blaming Isla Shay, birthday's, etc. and while I am certain those all played a role, I missed the two giant blinking signs telling me what the real problem was. (Because of course, she would never tell me.) So here it is, and feel free to tell me how stupid I am for missing it because I feel 100% ridiculous...

Duh! Number One: They are talking about divorce in Health class...why did her birth mom leave? Oh! Divorce!

Duh! Number Two: This is the big one...they are creating a "Me Box" to present (due today). It must include their personal favorites, people that are important to them, and three special items. Well, Captain Obvious here has been working on this project with her all week, and never saw a problem. I didn't even see a problem when she selected her important people ; Mommy, Daddy, Grandma, Grandpa, Yadi, Isla Shay, Uncle Reggie (my parent's dog that passed away last year), and her birth mom. I was just impressed that she wanted to talk about her BM at school. But I happily went along with it and helped her write her sentences about why she's important. Never did it occur to me that the child is flipped out about having to talk about her BM to her class. But she told my mom last night, otherwise I still would be totally oblivious...

Apparently my head hasn't been on straight this week...I feel silly. So I called the teacher this morning to give her a heads up on why Butterfly was out of sorts. I also asked if B was presenting today - No she won't present until next week. Hahaha. That wasn't going to fly! I politely asked if she would make sure she does it today so she can put it behind her and move on to bigger and better things. Luckily, she obliged, and will be emailing me to let me know how it goes. I'm nervous for her, but hoping she does okay. I think I fail being a good RAD Mom this week.

Anyways, I thought I would share a couple pictures, since I never post any!


Butterfly and Yadi

Yadi when he was still tiny and cute.

Me, and my goddaughter, Isla Shay

Is it Friday, yet?

RAD is back and in full force. Love, love, love it. I know it all stems from the fact that my brother, sister-in-law, and niece were in town for the weekend. Butterfly has severe issues with the amount of attention she gets. From my perspective she gets plenty - there is always someone playing with her, we celebrated her birthday on Friday night so her Aunt, Uncle, and cousin could be there. They took her shopping to buy clothes for her birthday, played countless games of Old Maid, and the list goes on. We didn't spend much time at my parent's house, but the time we did we were rotating who was playing with her and giving her attention. The time we were at home she had my attention as well as her dad's. And yet, still not good enough. Someone else always has more. We went to a nice dinner at a steakhouse on Saturday to celebrate my parent's anniversary, me and hubby's anniversary and my brother and SIL's anniversary. Butterfly had a chicken tenders and fries, along with some of my steak and baked potato. When we were talking yesterday about why she doesn't get enough attention, she said Isla got a better dinner than she did - mushed up bananas. Once again, totally irrational.

I'm not sure what to do about this. I know she needs oodles and oodles of constant attention, but clearly even doing that isn't enough for her when someone else is around. Everything in her life is SO horrible. Isla sees Grandpa and Grandpa once a month. Butterfly sees them weekly. Isla wears a diaper - Butterfly has to use the bathroom. Isla gets mushed bananas - Butterfly has to eat steak, chicken and potatoes.

This really makes spending time with my family 100% unenjoyable. That's why we spent so little time over there. Which makes me angry because I want time with my brother and sister-in-law and my goddaughter. I don't see them often, so when I do, I want to be able to enjoy the time. But Butterfly makes it impossible. So, I don't know what to do. I'm not giving up my family to sit at home and watch her be pissed off. It's lose-lose. If I bring her with, she ruins everyone's time together, but if you leave her at home with a sitter, she's mad she isn't with the family. So what is the right thing to do? I must be missing another option. I'm getting really excited because we are going to Milwaukee for Isla's first birthday party at the end of September. I'm tempted to get B a babysitter while we're there, but there will be lots of people there to redirect her attention to.

Yesterday was rough. First, we were running errands and she made a list of all the reasons she doesn't like me. That was charming. Then, I caught her in the bathroom taking my brand new contacts out of the packaging and playing with them, along with playing with her dad's cologne. So cute.

We had a rough weekend. Her dad says her birthday should be canceled. I had told her she would be getting two fewer birthday presents so I could get new contacts. She still doesn't quite understand that ther isn't unlimited money in our house to replace everything that she ruins.

I wonder if maybe he is right and we should skip the party - it probably is too hard for her. Not skip it because of what she did yesterday, because those are two totally unrelated things. But skip it becasue it will too hard for her. I was cleaning yesterday and came across an old paper from our therapist that talekd about how hard holidays are on these kids, and not to fuss about it. But if we don't do a party I feel like a bad mom. We already gave out invitations to her girl scout troop. I don't know, I don't know.

So frustrated, and the week just started. She is going camping with her girl scout troop this weekend. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but we'll see.

Vacation, please!

What a week! Things have been just crazy. Work is nuts - everyone is trying to get into classes for fall, so I have been swamped. Butterfly started school last week, my dear hubby has been sick, and he is starting classes tonight and I am starting tomorrow night! Yipee!

Anyways, we had Parent Orientation on Wednesday night. I'm not sure what to think about Miss May, our new teacher. She is nice, but a little spacey. She is also a huge fan of discipline. She doesn't mess around, that's for sure. I'm hoping that will be a good combination with Butterfly? All of our previous teachers have been flaky when it comes to discipline. Miss May had all the kids sign a discipline contract, and she is very serious about it. After Orientation, I met with her to discuss lovely RAD. I put together a binder full of info, and apologized if it seemed pushy, but I had trouble in the past. She wasn't offended, and was more than happy to get the info, and promised to read it asap. So far, things have been fine, granted it's only been two full days. I'm going to stay positive.

In other news, the in-laws called Sunday morning. Surprise of all surprises - they are coming for Butterfly's birthday! Butterfly gave me the phone when she was finished because hubby was hanging some things for me, so I got to chat with my MIL (thanks). She was droning on and on about how long the drive will be, but they will come on Friday night and not get in until 11pm and then turn around and drive back on Sunday. We are doing B's family party Saturday night, and her friend party on Sunday. So, MIL kept asking if they should stay for the friend party or leave. I said it didn't matter, but she said "I'm really looking to you for direction on what to do here." (She's still irritated about her phone call with Patrick, so this is her way of keeping the ball in our court, and blaming us if they make a mistake.) Anyways, I was getting quite bored by the whole conversation, so I finally told her that I know driving is hard, so why don't they just fly. Flights are crazy cheap right now, and my parents and brother/sister-in-law do it all the time.

My reason for this suggestion is two-fold. Number one, it would shut her up about the long drive. Number two it would guarantee they don't back out of the party at the last minute. It was win-win, she was shocked at the good idea I had, and they got two plane tickets for $194 round trip. Beat that.

So, now it is time to plan for the big party. We obviously aren't going to tell B that they are coming until the day before.

I hope everyone's kids are doing okay going back to school! Happy Monday!

Still Holding On

Well, Butterfly is still doing pretty good. She has had her moments, but they don't last and they are few and far between. One thing that has been hard for her originated from a phone call Sunday morning from none other than her Green Bay Grandparents! Shock.

They called Sunday morning and were chatting with her. During the course of the conversation they promised to try and come down for her birthday in September, and also promised to call that night to read a bed time story. My hubby and I both took our turns chatting - during these conversations they expressed to both of us that they likely wouldn't be calling because they were going golfing and to dinner with friends and weren't sure when they would get home, and the birthday thing probably wouldn't work out for them. Awesome.

So, I try to do some damage control since they had already shared these tidbits with Butterfly. We talked about how we feel disappointed when people don't follow through, and we'll have a good birthday no matter what, etc, etc. So she says to me "I just really hope NN doesn't mess up this time." HA. I asked her what she meant, and she said "NN messed up last time when she didn't come to my play. I hope she doesn't mess up this time for my birthday." Kids are adorable. Anyways, it's kind of been bothering her but she is doing okay - that afternoon was rough because she had a double whammy. Number one she is worried about her grandparents coming to her party and number two we took her to see Aliens in the Attic, and of course she couldn't let us get away with doing anything nice. So she had a nice screaming fit, then slept for two hours. She was a tired girl.

Monday I got a call from camp saying B was playing with another little girl and one of them had written B's name on a cabinet in marker but neither one would admit to it. I was beyond irritated, and maybe I jumped the gun but I assumed it had something to do with B being dysregulated because of the phone call from the morning before, so I told my hubby that either he called his parents and told them to stop making promises they can't keep, or I would and it wouldn't be very nice. (I say I jumped the gun, because it turned out B wasn't responsible. Oops.)

So, my dear MIL calls that night to talk to B, who is already in bed. She said "I guess I'm in trouble since I didn't call last night. Hahaha." Cute. My husband was less than thrilled and a ninety minute conversation ensued that covered everything from making promises to B to why they make me uncomfortable to prioritizing to the "family" trip to Florida that is conveniently at a time we cannot ever go to everything else. MIL said she felt blindsided and tried to play the victim but my husband wouldn't allow it. And she kept telling us that we need to call them to tell them if something is important, because they can't possibly know. And they work their butts off and have made sacrifices and they deserve to do what they want without Patrick making them feel bad. Oh it was interesting to say the least. Patrick left it by telling her that they could make the next move.

We haven't heard from them yet. I was keeping B's birthday party date in limbo to see when they could make it. One of the two weekends they said they couldn't make it. So I have decided to have the party the weekend I know they can make it. Their invite will be in the mail next week just like everyone else's. I'm not catering to anyone or contacting them.

Anyways, I would think I'd be more worked up about all this but I really don't care. Yes, it's an entertaining story, but that's about it. I'm not getting as worked up and hurt as used to. I can't handle the stress anymore. So I found a quote a week or two ago and wish I would have written it down. But basically it said that there are people that will come into our lives that for whatever reason we cannot have a relationship with - that's fine. Wish them well and move on. So that's my motto - I'm wishing my in-laws well and moving on. As I eavesdropped on the phone call between Patrick and his mother, I had a long overdue epiphany. This womans priorities, beliefs and values are world's apart from mine. And those beliefs and values are at our core and cannot be changed. We will never see eye to eye and any attempt to do so will fail. So why waste time trying? I wish them no ill will, but I cannot and will not try to mend a relationship that was never there. I'm wishing them well and moving on. :) And I feel darn good about it!

In other news, B hasn't flipped out about school yet. I 'm wondering when that will start?!

Finally!

For the past nine months, I have been reading blogs of other Moms dealing with RAD. Every so often, I read posts about the great improvements they have made with their children. How the kids are beginning to come around, and they are actually able to enjoy their children. These posts have always made me happy. Happy that these families were able to find some peace, however briefly. And also happy that there was still hope for my family. However, recently, I've lost a lot of the hope that things could get better. I was starting to resign myself to the fact that I could not help this child, and we would never see eye to eye.

I'm not sure if there was something in the water this week, or what, but my darling RAD girl has actually been enjoyable and a family kid since Friday afternoon. I have no idea what triggered it, but shocked doesn't even begin to explain how I'm feeling.

On Friday, her dad picked her up from camp. She came home and I had her change into a new outfit and shoes from Grandma. I fixed her hair, and then we headed to a fish fry with Grandma and Grandpa. She was pleasant for the entirety of dinner. She followed directions, listened, was respectful, etc. She had a couple small moments, but as a whole she was better behaved than most "normal" kids. My mom just finished reading a book called Excuses Begone by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I'm reading it now, and have been learning a lot from it. Mom also purched the kids version of Dr. Dyer's book called "No Excuses." Let me tell you, this is a fantastic book. I read it to Butterfly at the fish fry, and we all really enjoyed it. It is a great lesson for all of us. Anyways, we went home and B went straight to bed.

The next morning, bright and early, I woke B up because we were going to be working with Grandma and Grandpa all day. They purchased a house to flip, and we were all going to spend the day working, so they could get the house on the market as soon as possible. Butterfly was fantastic the ENTIRE day. We got there at 8am, took a break around noon for lunch, and continued working until about 3:30. I'm not sure I could expect any kid to last that long doing work. But she was helpful, and only had a couple little slip-ups which were easily remedied with a kind reminder. She also entertained herself with a marker and cardboard box when there was nothing for her to help with. Our favorite part of the day though was lunchtime. Mom was getting everyone's lunches ready, and she handed B her kid's meal. B went to sit on the floor in the dining room, and came back in saying her hamburger wasn't in the bag. Normally, she would have been set off, and gone crazy. My mom reassured her that it had to be in the bag, and B said no it really wasn't. Mom and I went to check and again we both said, surely it had to be in the bag - check all the way at the bottom. As B walked back into the dining room, she said "Well, maybe I'm wrong." My Mom almost had a heart attack. That child has never handled a situation like that so calmly, and she has never admitted she may be wrong. Sure enough, she checked in the bag, and her hamburger was at the bottom. :)

And Sunday, we had some issues in the morning because she was bored, but nothing that would ruin the day. Around 12:30pm we took my parents boat out on the lake. We had some trouble getting it started (It hasn't been taken out for 2 years! And it's almost 40 years old!), but soon enough we were out and having a great time. Butterfly really enjoyed herself, and was having a fantastic time. She had a few moments of thinking she didn't have to listen to me, but again, we got her back on track. And of course when she got home, she was crazy tired, so some attitude came out, but she managed.

This morning, I woke her up at 6am because the dog had shredded toilet paper because she left the bathroom door open in the middle of the night. I nicely asked her to pick it up, and she did. No complaints. She went back to bed until 7am, when I woke her up again and she got dressed with no issues. Not one. And she left this morning for camp, and gave me a hug. She never does that. Ever.

Now, I know this won't last. Of course, I will enjoy it while it is here. I so wish I knew what was behind it - what has triggered this good behavior. She has really been trying, and I'm so proud of her. Anyways, it will be interesting to see how the rest of her week will go.

Home Again

Well, Butterfly is home, and we all survived her trip up there. I don't want to get to into my in-laws week with her. They claim to have followed the rules the entire time. Apparently B didn't sleep at all on Saturday night - she was up playing and watching TV. Finally at 5am, B. had to suggest that maybe her grandma should put the toys out of reach so she wouldn't play with them...

The next day, they took B along for a game of golf...while on the course, they got on the subject of B's play that they didn't come to. She told them they had to come before they retired, because they wouldn't be retiring for another 10 years, and by then she would be done with drama. They just thought that was the cutest thing they ever heard. (????) Luckily, my hubby's grandma told me this story at the family reunion, so I was sure to tell her how disappointed B was that they didn't come. Then, we were back home that evening, and my in-laws had the cutest story to tell us, and that is what they told us. I was prepared since I'd already heard it, as was hubby, because I had relayed the story to him on the drive home. He told them - she really was disappointed by you not coming. They said well, we work. So then I got irritated and told them that there was a Saturday show they could come to next year. Anyways, long story short they kept trying to make excuses why they are already not going to be able to make it one year in advance, and we kept shooting down their excuses. It was grand.

Anyways, it was a short trip, with only a few minor insults that I suppose are just to be expected when dealing with self-absorbed individuals. Fortunately, there are no trips planned in the near future. Nothing unitl Christmas, and even that is questionable.

So, since we've gotten back B is a pistol, also to be expected. But it is so frustrating. I just had an entire week of peace and quiet. You would think I'd be ready to tackle her mountain of issues, but I'm not. I'm still stressed and not in the mood to deal with it. I'm sick and tired of being her kicking bag. I have tried to be loving, kind, and understanding since her return, but everything has been returned with hate, screaming and disrespect. I'm not sure what to do. I was hoping we would make enough progress this trip to where I would actually miss her while she was gone, and be excited about her return. She definitely missed us, but the feeling is not mutual. And the therapist says fake it til you make it, but that gets harder each day. I feel horrible about it.

On Sunday, we stopped in to see my brother, SIL, and goddaughter. We were only there for an hour, but it was so enjoyable and peaceful. That little girl fills my heart up with love every time I see her - it's something I've never felt before. And I know it's because I've had that chance to bond with her and be a part of her life from the day she was born. But it's hard when I have a daughter living in my home, and every time I see her, my heart just sinks. All I can think is what battle will we fight next. What will I do wrong tonight to set her off. And I have been trying to get beneath the behaviors to what is really going on, but she is trying harder and harder not to let anyone in there. And she is starting to know a "good" response to tell someone to get them to stop asking the hard questions. And that makes it even harder to get to the root of everything.

I'm just so tired of it all. I see all of these happy families, and I am sad because I don't know if we can ever have that. My husband thinks we should start thinking about adding to the family soon, but I can't even dream of bringing a baby into our house of dysfunction...as much as I would love a baby. But I feel like even if we do get B to the point of healing, I think I will be so bitter and burnt out that I won't care to have a relationship.

Anyways, I just tired. And I don't know how to give the family some relief. I know she is stressed, too. But I am just out of ideas for now.

Here We Go Again...

It's that time again - Butterfly is leaving on Saturday for her yearly trip to Green Bay to visit her grandparents. I will save everyone the drama that has been surrounding this visit, from both B and my MIL, but trust me that it has been great. I have had many a migraine over the past two weeks, and don't have the strength to rehash all of it again for fear that I will bring on another one.

The reason for my post is this - I would so appreciate any ideas you may have for things to make this trip easier on Butterfly. I've got the basics - a love snack box to keep in her room, so she can have a healthy sweet when she's feeling dysregulated; pictures, phone numbers, stationery to write us, etc. I am also working on creating a binder for her that will include her pictures and phone numbers for her parents and grandparents so she can call us any time. I am also thinking of making journal sheets for her to work on, and telling her that I will do the same for the whole week, then when she comes home we can share our journals and talk about it together. And I bought her the book, "Up." We saw the movie together, so hopefully that will be a reminder for her. I'm not sure what else to do... I know she does not want to go, and she is scared and nervous. I want to make this is as easy as possible for her, and yet I know nothing will be enough to calm her fears.

Any thoughts would be appreciated!!!

Hanging by a thread.

We've been having a rough couple weeks to say the least. Butterfly has been stealing and sneaking like none other. I haven't seen her like this in a long time, and I have no idea what the trigger is. She has dumped chocolate syrup on her carpet, hot pink nail polish on her carpet, mattress, and pillow, taken food, hairspray, nail polish remover, and more. I am beyond frustrated. I guess I need to go buy locks for the closet doors and bathroom doors - I thought everything was out of her reach, but apparently a determined little girl can get to anything she wants.

I am beyond fed up, and I have no idea what to do. I thought she had a breakthrough. I sat in her room and told her how I felt about all this and that I want to help but if she won't talk to me, I can't do anything to make things better. After I left, she cried and screamed at her birth mom for a good 10 minutes. About how she is trying to fight back at her, but instead she fights back at me. And that she isn't going to love her BM anymore, and she is giving all of her love to her real mom. She has a mom and dad that love her now, and she wants to be a normal kid, and is tired of the RAD. And she hates her BM for hurting her, but now she has a new mom that has never hurt her. I stood outside her room and cried - how horrible that a little eight year old has all of these terrible feelings. She shouldn't have to go through this, and its days like that when I would love to have a couple minutes alone with her birthmom.

So anyways, despite the fact that we had a very bad weekend, I decided to start over, and maybe she meant it, and wanted to try. I went in and hugged for a long time and talked to her, and we had a lovely rest of the evening. Then later, her dad went in her room and found her playing with my hairspray. So it felt like another slap in the face. Why did she do it? I'm so fed up - I feel like such a fool. I just keep getting beat up, but I turn around and keep going back for more and more. I am at the end of my rope - I don't know what more I can do. I can't figure out what is setting her off, and all I know is that I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I cannot do anything without letting her out of my sight. I can't even go and do laundry or go to the bathroom, without worrying about what she will get into.

Her bedroom is completely empty now, except for her bed, an empty dresser, and two shelves on the wall. I feel horrible - I want her to have a little girl's room, but I can't trust her. I don't know if this is the right way either -taking everything out - but it's the only way I can handle it. I don't have time to dig through every bin and box and drawer to find out what she stole. This way there are limited places at least.

I don't know. I feel like the past two years have been a total waste and we haven't changed anything.

And the only good news - my goddaughter is coming to visit this weekend. :)

I Think We're Going to Be Besties!

Poor Butterfly. I can't imagine what it must feel like to so desperately want love and attention from someone. The sad part is she is starting to realize that the way her grandparents treat her isn't great. She has been dysregulated this week because of her visit and because of drama camp. But the things coming out of her mouth are heartbreaking.

"Why aren't NaeNae and Papa coming to see my show? This is my third show, and they've never come to see me."

"Why don't they call me?"

"Why do we have to make all of the trips to see them?"

And on and on. And what do you say? You're only important when it fits their schedule honey. ????? I don't know. She convinced herself they would come see Fiddler on the Roof this weekend, so last Thursday I let her call to ask. (Why do I have to be the one to tell her no for them?) So she called, and her Papa made excuses for why they couldn't come. And the sweet eight year old tried to explain ways they could make it work, after all, there is a show on Saturday for them to come to!

She was so upset the next morning - I don't blame her. Also, she only had ten minutes to talk because it was past her bedtime. She got on the phone with NaeNae, and told her she couldn't talk her time was up. So NaeNae promised to call on Saturday.

NaeNae never called on Saturday. NaeNae never called on Sunday. Butterfly tried to call them, and there was no answer on Sunday night.

So, you are making promises to the girl with trust issues, and then not following through. Fantastically brilliant.

And last night illustrated to me just how important it is to keep promises to that little Butterfly. After I picked her up from drama camp, we went to Target then I decided we'd get Frosty's at Wendys. We go through the drive-through, and the guy tells me they have a kid's size that is six ounces - which I thought would be the same as their value size. It's not. It was about as big as my thumb and I almost died laughing, seriously it was about three spoonfuls. She handled it really well, and to make it up to her I told her she could have one of those mini delight microwave chocolate cakes after dinner. Well, I let her play late at her friend's house, so I threw her dinner together and got her in the shower, then realized I didn't make her the cake. I thought well, I could let it go, because she forgot for now, too. So no big deal. But then I decided to make it anyways because I did promise and I would hate for her to wake up in the middle of the night upset that I broke a promise. So she came out after her shower and saw the cake, and you could see on her face how excited she was that I remembered. She ate her cake, and I was in the bedroom cleaning. When she finished she came in and gave me the biggest longest bear hug EVER. She has never hugged me like that, and it was so full of love. How good it must have felt to that little girl that a promise was made and kept. It was so wonderful. And a reminder to always keep promises to her no matter what.

Anyways, I also emailed my mom and my MIL some articles about RAD from Nancy Thomas on Friday. Honestly, they were directed at my MIL and I just put my mom on the email so it looked like I wasn't singling her out. I sent one about making sure they get enough sleep, use their manners, and the one that was the reason I sent the email called Awesome Grand Parenting for RAD. My MIL actually responded to the email. I was SHOCKED. I wish I could post it here. Here are the highlights.

1. She has an amazing bond with Butterfly because of the time they raised her when she was a toddler, and that bond is growing stronger every day.
2. It is very important that Butterfly sees that Patrick and I have a good relationship with her and my FIL.
3. She is here to support me in any way that she can, but isn't sure if she should call me to chat.
4. We don't know each other very well after five years, and that's okay.
5. She is going to start sending notes of encouragement to all of us.
6. She wishes I could have met her dad before he died.
7. If I ever need a listening ear, I can email her and she will call me that night if she's available.
8. I'm doing a good job and raising kids can be difficult and tiring.

See! I told you, we're going to be Besties because everything is okay now, and she really gets it this time!

Honestly, all I see is a delusional woman that can talk the talk but will never walk the walk. Does she really think her bond with B is getting stronger? All I see is a heartbroken girl that is dreading her visit in July, and would give anything to not have to go. Is it really okay that she's known me for 5 years, and I have been raising the most important person in her life all this time, and she still hasn't really gotten to know me? Does she think I want her to be my shoulder to lean on?

She is amazing at saying what people want to hear. Sadly, I see right through her, and have since the day I met her. She told me all I never needed to know about her when she said I will never really be 100% B's real mom, she wishes we would move to Florida so at least my parent's wouldn't get to be around B all the time either, and when I told her concrete things I needed from her, and two years later, I have yet to see her even try to give me any of it. So there you go. The only reason she is still in my life is because my husband isn't ready to sever the relationship, and that is his right. But he is also about to his wit's end, and every day is getting a little less interested in maintaining the relationship.

Anyways, who knew my RAD blog would actually end up being more about my attachment-disordered MIL?!?! Sorry for all the rants - I need to get it out though.

I'm super excited for B's show this weekend - I went to camp yesterday to help her out with some of the steps, and she really improved. It ought to be good - it is riot to see the little kids doing Fiddler.

Hope summer is going well for everyone! :)

Drama, Drama

We are home from our weekend in Wisconsin! I had a fantastic time with Isla, and wouldn't have traded my time with her and my brother and SIL for anything. I was sad to leave, and had to hold back tears!

And my lovely Butterfly survived her trip to Green Bay. God bless her. It was once again a weekend of no rules and just a big free for all. Do whatever you want. Eat whatever you want. Watch whatever you want. Buy whatever you want. Don't wash your hair or brush your teeth. No rules because we want to be the COOL grandparents.

Obviously, this didn't sit well with my B, the girl that has more rules imposed on her than any child I know. And for once I see that she actually prefers her rules, and didn't feel safe while she was there. On Saturday, she called her dad to tell him she got high-heeled flip-flops (not allowed at our house) and iCarly sunglasses (also not allowed). And to tell him she went with Papa to the gas station and bought the big bag of Jolly Ranchers and ate the whole bag. On Sunday, she called me first thing in the morning to tell me she watched all three Cheetah Girls movies (not allowed) the night before. To NaeNae and Papa she was sharing her good times, to Patrick and I she was feeling 1. SCARED to death that she was getting away with all these things and had no rules and 2. Guilty that she was doing these things! Yay, Butterfly! Who knew you'd be so excited that your child felt guilty?!?!? But it's not a feeling we see often.

Poor girl, I felt terrible. Add to it that on our drive home she was saying how homesick she was, and she wanted me to come get her. Also, she shared that one time she saw my number show up on the TV that I was calling, and she knew it was me, but NaeNae said it was someone else, and they weren't answering. Nice. I asked who let her call me on Sunday, and she said Papa let her use the cell phone while NaeNae was upstairs in the bathroom. Isn't that great? So, I don't know the whole story, but I'm getting the idea that NaeNae didn't want B contacting me. When she did answer my call Saturday night, NN didn't sound all too happy that I wanted to talk to B.

Can someone please tell me what the flip is wrong with these people? My husband got an earful from me on Saturday night and again Sunday night. And another earful from my mom this morning. He's upset, too, but thinks for July we should just send a binder with all of her rules, and not address the numerous lapses in judgement from this past weekend. Hello?!? I love him, but some days I'm quite certain he is permanently out to lunch. How about if you can't be grown-ups then you can't see your granddaughter? If you can't respect our rules, you can't be alone with her. I don't know what is going to happen, but I think what my mom had to say this morning was an eye opener for him, because she definitely didn't hold back. But at some point this needs to be done, because I can't keep pretending it's okay. I so wish his family could be part of the solution, and we could have at the very least a cordial relationship, but crazy is crazy, and I'll be darned if they mess up our lives.

B had an awesome drive back - she was very well-behaved. She normally is pitching fits left and right. And it never crossed her mind that I didn't bring the DVD player for the drive. We spent almost two hours listening to the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack while I told her the story and what was happening during each song. Also, yay for Wendy's - they gave away a book on tape CD with their kids meal so we listened to that a couple times too. I was very proud of her.

Of course this morning she was her RAD self, but she got it together in time for Drama Camp. Yipee. I know we will have issues the beginning of this week, because it is tryouts for the musical, and she always wants the lead role without doing anything. Not to mention, leads normally go to the older kids. But I just keep explaning to her that every role is important, you need to practice, you need to be a team player and on and on. We do this same thing every year...and yet she really enjoys the camp once she gets over the drama of not getting a lead.

Anyways, stay tuned. There is sure to be plenty of drama this week! :)

I Must Be Crazy...

Well, Butterfly and I barely survived our first day together! But she made progress on her room, and we are headed in the right direction on that front. But our four days to complete the project has been shortened, and it needs to be finished tomorrow.

Why?

Because after talking to my sister-in-law on Monday, I decided we were leaving Thursday for a mini trip to Wisconsin. My husband's parents will meet me in Milwaukee on Thursday and take B to Green Bay. I will stay in Milwaukee and love on my gorgeous goddaughter for as long as possible. And my hubby will have a boy's weekend with our puppy at home. Everyone is pretty excited about their separate weekend, too. Hubby is so excited about the thought of a quiet house with video games, movies, junk food and gardening. Ruya is excited to see her Papa, and I am so looking forward to a time alone with my big brother, sis-in-law, goddaughter, friends, grandma, and cousins! It will be great!

Of course, I will certainly pay for all of this next week, but I'm pretty sure we all need a break. I hope it goes well... And yay for my hubby - I told my in-laws I would be in Milwaukee, and they can meet me there if they want B for the weekend. They asked me to meet them half way in Sheboygan, and my hubby said No, Brie is already driving six hours. You can drive to Milwaukee. :) What a huge step!

I am absolutely ecstatic, and I'm so thrilled my sister-in-law suggested this! And I have to post a picture of my goddaughter, so you can see why I'm always so thrilled to see her!

Have a great week!

What does your RAD kid's room look like?

My favorite RADical couldn't keep her room clean if her life depended on it. I'm sure most kids can't. But I'm quite certain we have spent weeks of our lives trying to figure out the easiest way to keep it semi-organized and less daunting. And I'm sure you can all relate to the tantrums thrown when she doesn't want to clean her room, even if you offer to assist.

I have put every toy into separate rubbermaid containers and put them out of her reach. Or so I thought. She still got to them and demolished her room - and the boxes. (Somehow, they all got cracked.)

I bought a storage organizer, like the one above, and labeled every bin. I even went through and cleaned her room myself, throwing away every useless toy and piece of trash, and separated the bins myself.

Oh, and clothes are another issue. She tries to argue EVERY day about what she is wearing, even if we laid out an outfit together the night before. I have even gone as far as taking away all of her clothes and putting them in the basement. But she would still sneak down and take things, and sneak them under another outfit.

So, I'm curious if anyone does anything special to keep their kids' rooms in some kind of order. I have off of work all next week with my little darling, and I want to get this mess taken care of. I personally am considering getting rid of half of her toys, but she already has a fraction of what every other child I know has. Of course, she is always bored no matter what. So really what does it matter? I also was thinking of putting all the clothes back in the basement, and letting her pick out a week's worth of outfits on Sunday, then hanging them in her closet with Day of the Week tabs on them. Also, she would officially be banned from our basement unless with an adult. (there really isn't anything down there for her anyways.)

I don't know, but I'm at my wits end. There is garbage everywhere, and an odd odor in her room. I'm totally grossed out, and really would be forever grateful for any suggestions!!

Thanks!

Did I mention I hate May?

I strongly dislike three day weekends. I have never been happier to go back to work! Butterfly does not handle the lack of scheduling well, add to it that we had a houseguest and no friends were home, and you have one RAD-filled weekend!

My brother-in-law, Mike, came down late Friday night. Let me preface by saying, he can be a lot of fun, but is kind of condescending and totally rude and inconsiderate. Obviously, not a favorite to have stay in my home. But I knew Patrick was excited to have his brother in town, so I put on a happy face. On Saturday, Patrick, Mike, and Dan (Patrick’s good friend from the Air Force), went golfing. Butterfly and I ran errands and then I took her to lunch and to see Night at the Museum 2. My mistake – I paid for it the rest of the day. I keep hoping that one day she will just accept something nice being done for her without all the drama – so naïve. (Side Note – Am I the only person whose child does not actually sit back and enjoy the movie, but instead tries to recreate everything she sees? I would look around the theatre, and see kids relaxed, eating their popcorn, and watching the film, but mine was at the edge of her seat trying to mimic EVERYTHING. There was a scene where two monkeys were taking turns hitting Ben Stiller – my little B sat in her seat and hit herself repeatedly. We got some great looks for that!)

Anyways, that evening I put my entertainer hat on and made dinner for the boys, and Dan’s girlfriend and her friend. At the same time I also had to prepare for a BBQ on Sunday for my Mom’s birthday. I almost lost it – I was doing all the cooking and also entertaining an eight year old while everyone else sat and chatted! I’m pretty sure my head almost blew off. But we survived (barely).

Sunday was a mess. I had two grown men sacked out in front of the television, a huge boxer chasing after my 10 week old puppy, a child with no entertainment, a messy house, food to cook and errands to run. I was crabby. And when I asked my dear hubby to clean the kitchen while I was gone, Mike shot me a death stare, like “How dare you take away my video game buddy?!” Because he firmly believes cleaning is only a woman’s job. (I know, you’re probably just as shocked as I am that he is single.) Anyways, I got home at 1:15, my parents were coming at 2:30, which I assumed would give me plenty of time to get everything together. As I was getting the pork steaks ready, I looked at my wedding ring, and almost died – my diamond was GONE. I was so overwhelmed – I had been 20 different places that day – good luck finding it! Luckily, we had all our paperwork, and Patrick took it to the jeweler, and they are having it sent out to be replaced. But I’m still devastated. The real kicker was that they just sent it out a month ago to have the prongs tightened, because they had noticed it was loose. Awesome. Add in my RAD girl that thinks constant commentary is helpful, and it was a bumpy afternoon at best.

Anyways, the rest of the evening went without incident. Well, except for my little Swiper, who has been stealing every night since Friday. So, she was getting in my face, and I wasn’t giving it back to her and she was MAD. So, after I turned her light off and said goodnight, I said turn the light back on and see what happens. I went and sat on the patio with everyone else, and she turns the light on. I’m sure she was hoping I would scream and yell, but instead I said Wow, you really must need me right now. So I plopped down in her bed and started talking as calmly as I could. At first, she hated having me so close. But she slowly moved closer, and told me more and more. About how she was in her birthmom’s belly, and wanted her to love her, but when she came out she found out birth mom couldn’t take care of her, and she had to get away from her and now she’s sad. And she is going to stay angry with her and yell mean things at her, and God will hear them, and tell birth mom what she said. And she wants to be normal but it is too hard and she is too angry, and there is nothing anyone can do to help her. Poor, poor girl.

And Monday, Mike left (while I was in the shower – no thank you, no goodbye), and we now have one radilicious little girl. Today is field day, and because of work appointments, I can’t go. So, naturally, everyone hates her, she is alone, she will die and on and on. And last night I was also informed that I am ruining her life because I took her away from NaeNae and Papa, it is all my fault for ruining her happy life, I am ruining her relationship with them because she never sees or talks to them, and on and on. All I could do is apologize that she felt that way and walk away. I don’t know what else to say. I honestly don’t know how she lives with me – I am so horrible.

No more in-laws until July 18. B will be spending an entire week with them again this year. Isn’t that fantastic? :)