I can't sleep. Well, I could. If I tried. But I am scared. Dreams are coming back. Not really ones that scare me, wake me filled of horrific terror, but still images I prefer not to hold. I miss...a lot. This is the worst. To not have one to speak with, and wait alone till I must give in. Loneliness, don't take me.

You're running and running, and you have been forever, and you just got to keep running. Then your feet don't reach the ground and you stumble and fall through the lack of air. And the trees that had once surrounded you have now somehow disappeared. And the soft little blades of grass, are nowhere to be found. There is nothing. It's just white. A blank emptiness overcomes everything, even the thoughts you had felt could never be stolen. It was all taken, and now all you had was nothing. And people who saw you, they saw nothing, they could say you're name and recognize you, but you were so foreign, to even those who'd always known you. White blank empty, nothing. That's all the filled you mind. No more worries, no more concern, no feelings. Like a state of unconsciousness. One might even call it blissful. Till the moment that your mind crawled back into view. Even from a distance you could see the torture, hear the internal screams. You begged and pleaded it to go. Whiteness, you're supposed to keep everything out, everything, like I'm dead! You'd scream and scream, but it wouldn't take you. And you're mind came more and more aware of the pain it felt and it hurt worse and worse each day. And the whiteness turn black. The pain was unbearable, beyond anything you had ever imagined. You had been running from the whiteness, but now you were gone. And you'd never go back. This blackness was much different from the white, it intensified the pain, and helped it grow. It showed you all the trouble and the pain you had caused your friends and family, with your blank state of mind. And it wouldn't let you help them, it wouldn't let you make it better. It seeped into your veins, and was pumped through your body. It clogged up in your brain and deposited in your heart, and sunk into your lungs. And finally, when it had taken everything there was, it killed you. So you lay dead for someone to find you, in a bath full of blood originating from your wrists.

I'm not scared of dying. It's just never ending blackness, nothingness... It's nothing. Nothing to feel, think, do, say, be, see, know, nothing at all. I fear much more the torture it would be for those still in the colorful world. Those still breathing and thinking and feeling. Because they would hurt. And I can't do that to them. I can't do something that, doesn't even really matter to me, when it matters a lot to others. I don't want to die. No... I just find life utterly useless and unimportant. There's no real reason to go, but not any reason to stay. Stay, for others. To save them from the pain.

"Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred. How did it find us? Did it steal into our lives, or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us, that we now send our children into the world, like we send young men to war, hoping for their safe return? But knowing that some will be lost along the way. When did we lose our way, consumed by the shadows swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name?" - One Tree Hill.
This episode make me cry....
Uhm. Yeah...
So. I don't really have anything to say. So... :)
Bye bye.

It's kind of funny, how you can tell people you're happy and fine, and they don't doubt it. Even if it takes you 10+ minutes to make yourself say it.

Sorry I kinda don't come around here anymore.
Things have been rather bleh lately.
But I dunno.
I don't do any homework. Because I'm always with other people. Because I don't want to be alone. Because alone I have to face things....
Alone I think, and I feel.
I don't know. I just don't know anything anymore.
Plus, I don't have time for this...
Soooooooooooooooooooo...
Yepp.
I'll do this some other time.
Bye bye.

Abandonment.

That always how I will see it.
Always deep down I will feel abandoned.
It is the explanation for everything.
And I will place many things before it, and claim they are to blame.
But I am this being because I was betrayed and abandoned.

I'll say it's my fault. For any logical reason.
I'll say I'm just sensitive. And I am...
But those moments effected me.
They infected me.
And forever I had been changed.

Gone were the fairy tales. Gone was the happiness.
What ever have you done to me?
And yet I still blame me.