Monday, January 28, 2013

One of these things...

In the Charlotte airport last week, one thing didn't look like the others. In the 60+ degree weather, when everyone else had on light clothing--maybe a sweater or a jacket--she had a huge down coat and furry snow boots.

Same thing happened last year when I went to Phoenix and Tacoma in February (triangular trip).  I never used the winter gear after the Boston airport. But when it snows before you leave and is in the teens while you're walking/busing/training to the airport--it doesn't matter how unnecessary the winter gear will be for a week or two--you NEED it for the 30 minutes you're transporting.  But I do look funny later and it makes me laugh.


On a separate note: I love the South. Flying over NC, seeing the red dirt, the brown and green world of winter, etc. My heart was happy. And Georgia was pretty fabulous all week long.  

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

I have a job

Friends,

I have a job. A real, grown-up person job. They're going to pay me a salary. They're even going to give me benefits.

I think I'll be doing work that uses my brain. But I'm not sure. And, to be honest, I don't care. It's honest and moral; I'll do it. Remember the sewing straight lines story? It not only prefaced the end of CL, but also the beginning of this. Because at the time I realized, I frankly don't care what I do or when I have to do it. I would not have applied for this job when I was in law school. Or for a few years after. It's not a dream job. But I don't care. It will allow me to fulfill my real dreams.

I'll be working for the federal government. I've been told not to share more than that so I definitely won't on the Internet. (It's not forbidden that I not tell, just advised.) If you really want to know, I can tell you a little more.  I do think I'll enjoy the work; I'm afraid it won't be as intellectually stimulating as I might like, but I could be surprised. I won't enjoy the schedule--at least for several months I'll be working second shift. I don't like night time. But I can do anything that I need to do. There are other things I'm pretty sure won't be my ideal, but I don't know that, just guessing.

But it is a job. I have been un- or under-employed for 3 1/2 years. I may or may not write more about that sometime. Suffice it to say that I will never be the same. And I'm still very affected by that; although I'm going through all the motions to move forward, I can't really believe that I will have a job. I keep thinking that something is going to happen and it will fall through. I don't really know how to process the idea that I'll be working full-time. That I will have enough money that I feel some sense of security; how will that be?

Anyway, I'm grateful. I was very much guided by the Lord to find the job and be able to apply for it. I sense that it is exactly what the Lord wants to give me right now--and that is a wonderful feeling! Oh yes, and I'm moving to northern Vermont. I'm excited for that, though of course there is sadness associated with leaving many dear friends. But such is life, at least my life. And I am grateful to be close enough to see them when I want. Hopefully some will come visit--Vermont is gorgeous and fun in the summer time. Anyway, I will be moving in a couple of weeks and starting my job a few days after that. Big changes, and all the stress and excitement that come with it, abounding.

Today I flew to Georgia and had several hours to just think. It was a beautiful time to process some of the lessons the Lord has taught me over the past 4 years. They've been harder years than I could really explain, but I'm grateful for the lessons (and I was, even as it was happening--which I recognize as a blessing). I have been very aware the whole time that God was very aware of me, was with me, was taking care of me. When I was sure of nothing else--nothing else, at times--I was always sure of that. And I'm still sure. He has been on my right hand and on my left; Hi angels (earthly and heavenly) have literally been with me. I love my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ.

Hopefully I'll take time to document some of the new things. But then again, you might just have to come visit and see.  Anyway, that's my news.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Application

If you haven't read it already, go back and read yesterday's post before this. You need it as context for this one.

For the past 2 1/2 months I've had a car. Two months I had Irena's (my visiting teachee) while she was in Croatia (her home).  Then, a week before she came home, I got Lindsay's (former roommate) for the time she's in India. It has been a huge blessing!  Anyway, having a car changes a lot of habits. One is what ideas I'm exposed to. Instead of reading and listening to people (bus) or just thinking (bike), I listen to NPR or Irena's awesome Savior of the World soundtrack or something else. For Lindsay's car, I pulled out my last installment of General Conference CDs--Fall 2008. 

On Tuesday I spent 6 hours driving and so I listened to Conference part of the time (I can only think so much--even when my mind is running in crazy circles). I listened to Elder Wirthlin's talk, "Come What May, and Love It".  (I miss him, by the way. Definitely one of my life-defining teachers.)  The talk made an impact back in 2008 and I've certainly thought of it often since.  But it spoke to me deeply, again. So much so that I listened to it 3 or 4 times that day. Well, both for its impact and for the feeling that I should listen again (um, does that sounds worrisome? does to me). I also reheard Elder Bednar's Part 2 Prayer talk, when he explains the principle of counseling with the Lord--including asking for help in the morning prayer and expressing thanks for the little bits of help we receive as answer (not getting angry, etc. etc.).   Both of those talks felt strong enough that I mentally tried to memorize the key points.

Elder Wirthlin's first point is to Laugh. When you want to cry, laugh. Find the humor in things.  Right after I heard this on Tuesday, a rock jumped up and cracked Lindsay's windshield. Awesome. :) I guess the timing is something to laugh about.

Anyway, on Wednesday, after my crying spell, I was texting a friend. I was updating her on another part of the day, and her response was this: "Phew. You're doing great, Ruth. I'm proud of you my friend. Hugs :)"  As I texted her back, "You would've been especially proud if you'd seen me crying my eyes out in the elevator with a bunch of strangers. Boy were they uncomfortable. Poor people. :)",  finally, I started to see the humor. I still don't find it amusing that my scissors were taken from me.  But the subsequent crying spell makes me laugh now. And that has now been told a few times.  

So, here's the rest of the story, told from my new perspective.

When I realized that he was going to take the scissors, I felt the tears rising. And I decided, I didn't care. I was going to just cry. Why do we have to hide emotions? Not this time. (I already explained this, I know.) so I cried. I cried while I put my boots back on, while the two (male) security guards awkwardly stood there and said nothing (I suspect they thought I must be pregnant or something--it was (or appeared to be, anyway) just a pair of scissors!).  Then, through my tears, I asked them where I was supposed to go. Like they knew!  Anyway, I managed to sputter out enough of an explanation that they could tell me to take the elevator to the 3rd floor. The elevator was right beside them, so they got to enjoy my tears for another couple of minutes while the (slow) elevator came.

But my favorite part came next. As I got on a couple of other guys ran up (should note that every person I interact with in this situation was a man. which makes it more awkward. For them. hehe). Suddenly, we're on an elevator together--and you know how people generally stand around an elevator, awkwardly trying to ignore each other?  Well, this time they were gifted with one of the other strangers being a woman who is obviously crying her eyes out. Talk about awkwardly trying to ignore!  The more I remember this, the funnier it is to me.  Really, poor men!  (Made more random by the fact that I was obviously coming in crying; people leave crying, but don't usually come in.)  

And it got better. At the second floor, another guy got on. He seriously paused for a fraction of a second, after his first step, as he realized I was there crying. 

And finally, I got to the office where I was going and rang the bell to get in (why didn't I stop to collect before? I don't know. I just didn't care anymore.). The man expecting me opens it while saying, "You must be Ruth..." Pause as he takes me in. "Are you alright?"  
I told him I would be, that security took my scissors, etc. and stopped my crying while he looked all over for a box of tissues. I pulled myself together, blew my nose, and wiped the mascara off. 
And it was okay.
Though I don't imagine he'll forget that beginning for a long while to come.

Oh yes, and when I left almost 3 hours later, I went to the bathroom. And sure enough, there was still mascara all over my cheeks. Which meant he sat there and talked to me for all that time, me looking like I had black eyes.   :)  I love it!


As I sent D the text later on, I suddenly saw the humor in all this. And I laughed. I kept laughing a few minutes later when I missed the bus I'd been waiting for for 20 minutes, because I was reading the schedule wrong and decided to take a quick walk, right as the bus must have come and left.

As the humor broke through (in a still difficult situation, for other reasons), I gave thanks for God helping me to apply what I'd been taught and for his grace coming to help me see with different eyes. And I thought of both of the talks from yesterday. And had eyes to see how blessed I am.

I also remembered another of E. Wirthlin's points, "understand the principle of compensation," as I yearned with all my soul for my mother. I wanted her, really, really wanted her multiple times in the past 36 hours. I wanted to tell her these stories. I wanted her to hold me and tell me it was okay. I need her! But Elder Wirthlin's voice, teaching what is TRUTH, echoed through my head and heart, and I know the compensation will be more than worth it.

I am infinitely grateful for living apostles who reveal truth!!  What millions have yearned for, I have at my fingertips. SO blessed!  Life is good!

Friday, January 18, 2013

This time it wasn't funny

Last September I went to immigration court and had to go through security. Because I biked everywhere I went, I had my backpack and my lunch box. Lunch was tomato sandwiches (as it generally was those weeks--heaven) and included a knife to cut my tomato. A knife that clearly couldn't make it through security and was confiscated. I found it pretty amusing and proceeded to tell the story many times (I think the blog might be the only forum I didn't tell this story in).  Of course my version then had more details, but that's the gist. Anyway, I found it all highly amusing.

Well, this week I was back at a federal building (different one) and went through security again. This time I had my crocheting, including a little pair of scissors.  Scissors that will be expensive to replace and that I've had a long time.  They can't ever really be replaced.  I even argued with the security guy about the confiscation. I can agree that they are sharp and dangerous and could be used as a weapon. But what I do not agree with, what still upsets me, is that I am not allowed to walk back out of the building, get my scissors and leave with them.  Why?  Give me a reason that is of such weight that it must be adhered to. Okay, they can't go in.  But why can't I leave and take them with me?

It's been a rough, rough string of months with the "Goliaths" of the world--big companies, policies that treat me as a nothing, instead a human being with thoughts and feelings. And in particular, lately I feel I've been jerked around and mistreated by the federal government (but maybe sometime I'll tell you about my true nemesis, Comcast). So, even though the scissors weren't that big of a deal, they were the straw that broke me.

I started crying. And I cried and cried. I cried openly and freely. I knew how much I needed that cry, personally, and I also thought--people need to be reminded that the people around them are people with feelings, and I'm okay about reminding them of that right now. I wasn't angry, I was hurt and I just cried.

It wasn't funny this time.


Stay tuned for a follow-up installment of this story. 

Friday, January 11, 2013

Brother Lewis

On Friday, December 21, Brother Melvin Lewis passed away. I know this doesn't mean anything to any of you, but it means a lot to me. The Lewises are dear family friends--both of them have immeasurably shaped our family and family members' lives.  It made me sad that this December we weren't in Arkansas. Not a one of us.  But it's okay. In some ways it's better to remember as it was.



It is no exaggeration to state that Brother and Sister Lewis were pivotal, key players in helping me gain a testimony of marriage. I'm not sure if I've ever blogged about this before, and I won't go into the nitty gritty right now, but suffice it to say that my feelings toward marriage have evolved a lot through the years. From, "I suppose I will, because I'm supposed to" to "no, No, NO" [this was a long one and I think it still worries my mother some], to slowly working very hard, with fasting and prayer and study to gain a testimony of the importance of marriage.  And after the testimony, line upon line the Lord taught me more about why it's important.  And slowly, ever so slowly a true desire for an eternal marriage has come. And that's where we are now. (That's a royal "we.")  I also don't think too hard about my issues with it, but focus on the testimony and understanding I have received. 

Anyway, I met the Lewises, of Mountainburg, Arkansas during the years when I was struggling with it. And they made a world of difference.  They were married when they were 17, then he went to fight in WWII. They had 5 children and chose to be active members of the church and to be transitional figures in their families, reversing things they experienced at home. They served 3 full time missions. Served in dozens of callings, at the temple, and just so much. He is an incredible craftsman of tile and carpentry and she is the most incredible seamstress I've ever known. And, how do I describe the love and welcome we feel in their home? Their testimonies? And their great, great love for each other.


I spent a lot of time driving back and forth with them to the OKC temple and in their home (I cleaned for them).  And I love them. I love them for who they are. I love them because they love me. And I will forever be grateful and love them for helping me understand what an eternal marriage can be.


Good-bye, for now, Brother Lewis. I'll see you again.

Because I want to tell...

... Not because you want to know. :)

I wanted to say this last year (when it was 20 years), but decided to not share it with the world (in case the world was reading). But since I now know who's reading, I'm going to share.

In December I mark some anniversaries of my life. Mission call. Temple endowment. And, ten years before that, starting to have my period.

In December I completed 21 years of having my period.  That is a ridiculous amount of periods--do the math, making sure to include at least 13 per year.  Such a huge part of my life. Fortunately it's a lot more routine than it was back then or the first few years. But it still takes up a lot of time, energy, money, etc. In all those times, I have had one beautiful month with no cramps. It was a couple of years ago and I thought I'd outgrown them. But no.

Recently (as in the past 4 or 5 months), my body has gone from a very regular 27-29 day cycle, to a 19-21 day cycle.  Thanks a lot. Just what I wanted.  I've tried telling my body, no matter how often you ovulate, there will still be no babies.  But it doesn't seem to believe me. Oh well.

Thanks for letting me share. Unlike the mission call and temple, I don't feel like telling everyone around me. But I do note the occasion and now I finally got to share. :)

Monday, January 7, 2013

Yippee!

It worked. Hooray. :)

More posts coming soon, then.   Considering that I not only know who's reading this, but for the most part you're close friends (or used to be close friends and I still consider you that), you might be more than you bargained for. :)

Did it work?

Step number one to this going private thing, did I successfully make it private?  Let me know, if you know.  And let me know if you got an invite or not (it didn't say anything about an invite being sent, just that it added readers).  And unfortunately, I can't say (assuming that going private worked!), if you didn't get invited, let me know and I'll send an invitation.  Phew. 

Well, the happy news is that this shouldn't last long, I'm guessing only about a month. Although at the snail's pace that things have moved thus far, it might be longer.

And now I'm going to go take a short nap. That's what I wanted to do an hour ago--but I was on my computer so I kept pressing on. Looked up legal information for a ward member and sent it along. Then decided to do this so I can get the glitches out before anything else.

But I'm exhausted. And I'm unemployed, so I can take a nap if I want.



By the way, the reason I was on my computer initially is because I was working on family history work. Isn't that awesome?  Awesome!  A dream come true for me (even that fact that I'm working on it is a dream come true. Nothing has come of the work yet.). 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Taste of goodness

Today for lunch I ate one of my garden tomatoes.

Yep, I still have a few of the last ones. They're in my bedroom ripening (bedroom because roommate said she wanted the counter back!). I still have a couple more.

It tasted as delicious as a garden tomato should.

:)