7.20.2004

heyz people..got sick too..sore throat's scratchy..i'm kinda feeling right in the dumps now..here's the story: I had a goal..been following it real hard..trying to get what i want. friends.too hard. too hard til i forget what i'm all about.what i want to say,what i tink,instead of what people want to hear..even now.i was rather hesitant about typing this.why?because what people might say after reading this.will they change their impression of me if it was good to bad,avoid me,or even stay away from me? i've been trying to get friends.i told myself i must get some friends in band.maybe even saying something i wun usually say just to ge them to like me..but i realize after reading someone's postcard that i've moved away from that goal:my objective was to make friends.but it wasnt making some flowery self they would like.it was about them liking my own true self,battered or not.i've gone all flowery.i told myself before,i will make true friends who really like me for who i am.i thought as long as i don;t show off somethinfg valuable in front of them,i was not a  hypocritic bitch.ratehr plastic.it doesnt go like that.it's not only on material possesions..it could get on ur qualities too..but the way i am now,is no different from people that go plastic.it's like writing a book..the writer originally writes a book on her inspiration,her dream..then when the book is popular, the writer's books becomes more based on what her readers will like to read instead of her own inspired dreams just to get it to be more well read on the market ...now i'm like that writer.i've veered away from what the journey,the objective is about..from what is mine,uniquely mine.. i now apologise to all those who i have hurt,scarred or cracked..i have become insensitive to human feelings when i was plastic.coz plastics dun feel anything..i have erred.now i've got to get back to human.pray for those who are hurt.i will be human..i was blind to all emotions,but now i can feel the guilt.a start.a start indeed.sorry to all...