possibilities...

Is it possible to have a mid life crisis at 31?

I think I'm there.

Ain't a Birthday 'til you PaRTy!

Hannah and the cousins, friends & such party'd at Boondock's for her Birthday!

They all had so much fun!

I'm glad some friends from school also came. They are all so cute.

pizza, cupcakes, presents, games, and the kiddie kove!

Couldn't have been a better day for the kids.

I just wanted to share some pictures from her day!

Note to self: next year it's one party.

That's it.

Sheesh

My Hannah is FIVE!!!

Nana Banana Beanie is FIVE!! 

 My little girl is five. Where did the time go?

I had to put this baby picture up of Nan... why!?

Because even this many years later, she STILL has this much food surrounding her face when she eats!

No, I'm serious. She really does!

 

Five years ago you came into my world, a little bundle of hope.

I was scared to death... it seemed like hours (and possibly was) before I was able to see you.

When I finally got you in my arms I knew I would never let you go.  Not for a moment.

You are my precious little girl and I love you more each day!

You are smart, caring, understanding, sweet, and have a wonderful imagination!

I couldn't ask for anything more in life Nana.

You have been a blessing and I'm so proud of you... and proud to be your mama.

I love you baby girl.

 Hannah's five year interview:

Favorite food:       Pasketti (spaghetti... cracks me up that she still calls it that)

Favorite treat:       Gum

Favorite book:      Beauty and the Beast or The Three Little Pigs

Favorite color:      Blue, purple, & sometimes pink

Favorite movie:     Mama Mia

Favorite animal:    Dogs and a cat

Favorite subject at school: Art   Why? Cause I like painting dinosaurs and sometimes polar bears

Favorite singer:      Lady Gaga

Favorite song:        My Telephone (by Lady Gaga and Beyonce)

When I grow up:    I want to be a star so I can sing to everyone

Favorite game:      Wii Cheer

What makes you happy:    Snuggling with mommy or daddy

What make you unhappy:  Being teased

If you had all the money in the world what would you buy:  A really big trampoline

One of your favorite things to do:  Play Candyland and play with my cousins and Maddy Sue

If you could go anywhere on vacation this year, where would it be:  San Diego

What was your favorite thing about being four:  my big "4" balloon I got from Grandma Johnson

Love you Beanie... Happy Birthday!

Shower floors are like beds...

I contemplated quite a bit on this post because, A. I like to keep this stuff to myself more often than not and, B. it was a miserable couple weeks for me and everyone around me...  but I decided to post it for the sake of understanding and possibly more of a therapy session for myself.

So, after we returned home from the cabin I woke at 3:00 am to a ruptured eardrum.  What a lovely feeling to have your eardrum ringing, equilibrium off balance, and can only hear out of one side... Which, turned into a day at the doctor's office and a hundred dollars in medications. Now that was just the calm before the storm-it gets better. With that loveliness came a cold/flu, and in turn a Lupus flare.  I didn't feel well and then my toes began to turn purple and itch, which I've discovered to be the sign for a soon to come flare. -It's the little things really- When this happens, I usually try to prepare myself as well as I can mentally, but this one was like hell came to visit.  And when I say hell, I mean scary movie 3 masked dude in a black robe and carrying some metal like weapon to use on me if I disagree or disobey his request to go.  It was ugly and I will admit, so was I... amazing what makeup does for a person.  I'd take me away too.

So, this all occurred beginning on New Year's Eve, and Mike had to work and couldn't stay home with me due to the holiday. Damn Police and their rules.  I had Hannah and was afraid of what may possibly happen to me.  I was also afraid if something were to happen, I didn't want to scare Hannah, nor was I ready to teach her the ways of the cell phone and dialing just yet.  So, I decided to stay with my parents.  Thank the heavens I did... they're a wonderful help and I was incoherent.  (thank you mom and dad for everything you did for me)

I'll be honest, I don't remember a lot. Red flag. For some reason when I have a flare up like these, which take such a toll on me mentally and physically, I tend to forget a lot of what occurred. Red Flag. This scares me. I hate not being in control. I remember throwing up... a lot. Red flag. I remember waking up after sleeping for who knows how long...  I remember not being able to move my body. Red flag. You know, Lupus is an interesting monster.  You really never know what you're gonna get.  This "episode" as I like to call them, I had experienced something I hadn't in the past... immobility. Red flag. I couldn't move my legs, and at times my hands. Red flag. If I were to stand, it wasn't longer than 30 seconds or so. Red flag. It was almost like lead was pulling my legs to the floor and the pain was so intense I wanted to collapse, cry, and times I think I did both. Red flag. I will just say the few times I showered in the beginning was an incredible task and extremely frustrating.  I also couldn't eat.  If I ate, I threw it up. Red flag. I lost about 15 lbs. over the course of 2 weeks and I really didn't have 15 extra lbs. to lose.  So, now more than ever do I have people speculate on whether I have a drug addiction, an anorexia or bulimia problem. What a joy I tell you...   That in itself makes for a happy dance. And that's a whole lot of red flags... where is the white one when I need it!?

So, after staying at my parents for who knows how long (I know it was days, but I can't tell you how many...), Mike took me home to rest.  There is something about being home, in your own bed and being there with the person you love that makes it that much better. Thank you for taking care of me my love. However, I think I scared Mike at times with my racist body (my body hates itself, therefore it's racist...against me). I'm sorry if I did.  After being home for who knows how long, I couldn't lay in bed anymore.  My body ached and I'm surprised I didn't have bed sores (too much info, sorry).  The random places I tried and succeeded to sleep included; Hannah's floor, the hallway where the sunlight shown through the windows, our bathroom floor near the toilet of course, in the tub, and in our 4 x 4 shower... now, let me just tell you that using your towel as a pillow and wearing your soft robe while curled up on the shower floor where it was still steamy had to be one of the best sleeps I had that week.  It was a rough couple weeks to say the least. Ugly just keeps getting better!
 
There has got to be some highlights to this disastrous time, right!?  Well, I guess not so much highlights per say, but just a few small miracles that have reminded me why I keep fighting back and moving forward. It's amazing the power of love and support of those that you love and those that love you, and how they will do anything when you're at your lowest, and still love you at that point too.  I have to say that I truly love my family and my friends.  Mom, dad, Mike, Hannah, Kris, Brooke, Krissy, Barbie, Brenda... you are all so wonderful and I love you all with every ounce of me.  Thank you for taking time out of your lives to help me fight a monster and get back to mine.  

One of the most important things I remember and still makes me cry when I think about it is when I'd wake up from time to time and my little Nana would be right there with a rag, or a sprite and crackers, at times an extra blanket ready to put on me, or just holding my hand to help me to the bathroom. I didn't want her to worry about me and I tried to make it so she wouldn't think negative about any of it, but what can I do when I'm in that state?! But, she is a trooper and knows it's just moments and we'll get back to good days quick. The strength, love, support, and amazing caring heart that Hannah possesses never seizes to amaze me.  For being only five, she keeps me believing in better days.  

Thank you Lupus for helping me remember what life, love and hope is truly about...

Christmas break at the cabin

(my honey and Maddy trying to dig out - it was deep)

The week between Christmas and New Years, we headed towards Rockport for some fresh air

Mike's family has a cabin overlooking Rockport with an amazing view.

When I had actually thought about taking a picture of the view, the massive Wasatch front storm hit.

So, you'll just have to take my word for it.  It was breathtaking...

 There is a little cabin aside of the cabin for the kids to play.

Nana loved it!  She liked the "little my size house"

And she loved the numerous feet of snow surrounding her!

 Now, Maddy... didn't like the snow nearly as much. 

She wanted to stay in the little cabin or have me take her place to place.

She reminded me of Randy on the Christmas Story!

Poor munchkin slept the whole next afternoon... she was frozen.

Caprice, Avry and Nana built themselves a little slide til the sleds arrived.

I'm surprised they weren't frozen by the time they were done.

The kids had so much fun!

It was a nice little getaway from the city...

a much needed getaway!

Christmas in February

Nana and Sophie

So on Christmas afternoon (Nana spent the morning with her daddy), she found her spider...

the black widow she had asked Santa for at school.

And she was scared to death!

She told me that Santa had heard her wrong - she didn't want a REAL BLACK WIDOW!

Now, can you imagine if they really were this big!?

We'd be sicking these babies on bad people instead of jail, guns, or other torture methods!

It took some coaxing, but she soon felt comfortable enough to play with it.

And after we named her Sophie, all was right in the world 

because would a spider named Sophie ever really hurt someone!?

This little robotic spider is awesome! She goes in circles, forward and back. 

Sophie is a wonderful addition to our family!

Dance Dance Dance!

GROOVE Dance Christmas Performance

Nan and Tuttie are seriously the cutest little goofballs in the world!

They are such great cousins and friends.

The only thing that will break them apart is when they have to decide who marries Justin Bieber.

Brooke and I decided that dance was a great idea for the girls to do together.

Oh what a joy it has been!

They had a little performance at Granger High School and the girls were so excited!

Even though they all forgot the dance completely, they were all the cutest sparkly reindeer EVER!

Nan just knows how to shake the rump! 
That's my girl!

Nana getting ready to go!

I think she watched her dance on the computer 30 times while her curls set!

Tuttie and Nana after their dance!

You two did wonderful!  Best dancers in the world!!

And... the two of them at their finest!

You two girls are lovely!

Challenger Christmas program 2010

Challenger Preschool Christmas Program

Oh how I love when Nan performs!  Performs ANYTHING really, but especially at school!

She has waited for this moment for months... literally months.

Even before school started she was so worried about who was going to come see her perform.

I love Challenger!

They do such a wonderful job with their program, and I'm really happy we decided to attend there.

However, when it was Hannah's turn to sit on Santa's lap I wondered what she'd ask for...

A Barbie

A razor scooter

Justin Bieber (because he is her husband, ya know)

Hell, even playdough

But no... NONE of these were her answer

What did my sweet, little, innocent four-year old ask for...

A BLACK WIDOW SPIDER!

Yes, you read that right.

A damn spider that could kill us all in an instant... 

thanks Nan.

I think Santa was shocked, and possibly a bit scared that he had a deranged child on his lap.

I'm sure he was thinking, "where the hell is this kids parents".

Thank you for not promising anything there Santa buddy... phew!

But, we'll see what he brings.

This could be an interesting year! ;)

Great job Nana Jean!

You did a wonderful job and I love to watch you perform.

Thank you for making me smile.