It ain't easy...

The Grieving Process is not a natural one (I don't care what anyone says). You actually have to work at moving forward with the process and make yourself uncomfortable. Who "naturally" wants to feel anxious, vulnerable and uncomfortable?

Two in one night, why not...

Through my grieving process, I have found that putting the "whys" and "what ifs" to rest have helped me tremendously. I feel those were the roadblocks I needed to move, to come to "accept" Kolby's death.

In accepting* Kolby's death, I am able to focus on the love I have for Kolby and the memories I will hold forever. I have also freed myself of self-punishment. In that, I mean, I know I deserve happiness and love.

* "Accepting" does not mean my love for Kolby has changed, it just means I know I can't change the situation. So now, I'm figuring out my new life without him.

Shhh...quiet time

REALIZATION #1 of ten million: The last 14 months have been the most silent months of my 29 years of existence. With that, tons of sorrow but also the ability to self-reflect (How do you think I came up with realization #1?). I'm sure I'll share more "realizations" in the future.

Hello...I'm still here!

"I just don't know what to say!"

I hear this from friends and relatives, so I know many others feel this way. People dont know what to say to someone who has just lost a loved one. The fact of the matter is, it's ok. What's not ok, ignoring the person who just lost their loved one. In a time where you already feel isolated, being ignored hurts. So, if you're ever in a situation where "you just don't know what to say," just say, "I'm thinking of you." You don't have to go into an inspirational speech, aknowledgement will do just fine.

9/11

It's been my experience, with Kolby's death, that some (not all) people just continue with their day to day lives. Experiencing raw emotion is obviously uncomfortable for many, so ignoring it is easier. I watched video of 9/11 on the History channel last night (at first I wanted to change it). I think it was good for me to have that feeling of panic & anxiety because it took me back to that moment 8 years ago. I think we suppress those feelings because they're too painful. We should "never forget" the men & women who were tragically MURDERED. Those men & women were not numbers but wives, husbands, daughters, sons, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, etc...


(This was inspired out of a comment my dad made about being frustrated with how 9/11 is remembered and handled.)

 

25 weeks/175 days

Every Monday reminds me (even more) of Kolby's accident. On Monday, March 9 my husband, Kolby, was in a fatal snowboarding accident. This Monday(we're 5 min into it) is going to be 25 weeks, since it happened. It seems as though time is flying by. However, it seems like forever since I've seen my husband. It's a very hard to imagine that I will never see, hold or hear my husband again.

This is really my story...I just can't believe it somedays.

Time

"Time will heal your pain."

In my opinion, this statement is farthest from the truth. I feel as time goes by, I miss Kolby more and more. My pain and lonliness is more intense. Also, reality has set in and I have begun to wrap my head around "forever".

Time is what I use to describe how long it's been since I've seen Kolby. I use time to describe how long I have until the next holiday, birthday or family function without my Kolby.

Time does not heal the pain. Period.