//tough

today i couldn't stop tearing...
sis texted me and said what she saw a couple of days back...
regarding my parents...
but what actually saddens me...
was when she said...
"im sad, every bride looks forward to their wedding"
"with such happiness whilst i'm sad with whats happening with our family"

i had to comfort her and said she should be happy...
coz its her happiest moment in life...
but deep inside i really feel sad for both my mum and sis...
coz they had to go all through these...
i really dunnoe what to do....

i know its god's test...
especially to those He really loved...
and i never failed to pray...
that He will look after all 3 of us...
i seek for happiness for my mum and sis...
and i rather have them happy and not me...
coz that's what more important to me...

i knew he too is facing a hard time on his end...
and i also wished i could ease his burden...
it's been a tough year for both of us...
but im hoping it will make us stronger....

// a sad raya

I always hated raya...
Not that I'm not looking forward to going back to my kampung in Malacca...
Which honestly I thoroughly enjoy spending time with my grandma and my relatives...
Is that i had to faced dealing with my parents squabbling at almost anything they can imagine to...
From going there, to during the stay and even back to Singapore...

This year couldn't get any worst...
Knowing that my dad has an affair...
We had to pretend we are a family despite knowing this for raya...
I can't bear seeing my mum being treated such...
And she teared up when my uncle visited our house a couple of days ago...
I prayed real hard that everything would go back normal...
Not perfect, but at least my mum deserves better...

Sometimes I prayed life could be much easier for my family...
We've been through a lot, especially mum...
Having a dad who controls everything and not giving mum enough...
Just saddens me...
Now knowing she is facing such, I don't know what else I could do...

Sis is getting married soon...
I just hope mum could pulled through...

//updates

its been a really busy month for me...
and it also seem like i have been neglecting the blog...
well the blog is always a place i could turn to...
to express my current emotions and problems...

i've realised i've been snappy these days...
maybe coz work had taken a toll on me again...
and i've realised i've been very tired these days...
its like the energy has been sucked out of me...

i wished people knew how stressful it is...
how tired i am...
how hard it is for me to sustain the company...
and how much I patience I need to handle the drama...
that's been coming both for the company and the clients...

as much as I could give this up...
I didn't...
coz I told myself I would pull this through...
and I could prove to people wrong...
I just hope one day, I would be successful...
and give the life the family deserves...

// Gone

Each day i shed this little tears of mine

Hoping that my family is fine

Hoping things had never happen

Hoping that my lil sis is happy

Hoping that mum does too

But i guess things couldnt change

Things happened

And I tot i could be stronger for them

But I guess Im as fragile as I ever was

*breaking point

things haven't been great again...

the stress from work...

the stress from the current things thats happening at home...

the stress from someone who is sick now...

the stress from his negative vibes...

i sometimes dunnoe if I can handle anymore of it...

its been hard not to sigh...

but i know its a test for me...

its just i dunnoe if i can handle it any longer...

im at my breaking point, really...

// oh so familiar

and then came "one day your feelings will fade away"...
"you had to stay coz you had to"...
"and came another person"...
"who comes and steal your heart"...
"that's when the cheating begins"...

that oh so familiar words came again...
crumbling my heart like as if it doesn't matter anymore...
maybe it doesn't...

// shattered

seems like nothing is turning any better...
its sucks to know you cheated...
and for the fact that this is your second time...
hurts even more....
and to see the person i love most...
crumbles because of your wrong doings...
tears me deeply...

Im utterly lost...
not sure what to do...
how to lend my strength to her...
and what the future lies for us...

i have known u had never been the best for her...
but i never hate u...
just felt injustice...
and that she deserves happiness...
the sacrifice she went through..
to only be treated this way....

God, I pray to you...
please let her redeem her happiness...
its heart breaking to see her cry everyday...
I just wish to see her happy again :(

//tough luck

I wish i was a better someone for u...
More understanding...
Able to comfort u...
Less easily to get angsty...
Choose to be on your side...
More mushy...
Enjoy hugs and kisses...
More time dedicated for you...
Unfortunately im so much lesser than that :(

//regret

had an arguement with mum...
and it had been for god knows since when...
about why i shouldn't start my own cafe...
and i guess today i let it all out of anger...
only to finally find out what i kinda knew but woudn't wanna believe...
to come out of her mouth...

its all about money and pride...
and its of her interest...

its been tough...
dealing and working my ass off to prove to her...
that my agency could last this long...
without her support...
not even a penny i asked when i almost closed down the agency...
not anything...
all i hold it in, biting my fingers and worked hard...
to prove everyone who once looked down on me...

i only needed her support...
not more, not financially...
and that i couldn't get...
instead all she cares about...
was money and pride....

i couldn't understand...
i really couldn't...
and im deeply saddened...

//merely a moment

As i spend my alone time...
I kinda teared...
Not becoz i was upset...
But more of how lucky I am...
At this moment of life...

Looking back 2 year ago...
I was pretty much a person who has no hope for love...
Who devotes his time much to work..
And at times depressed about being alone...
And now that I'm not...
It set me thinking...
Have I've taken everything for granted...
Have i ever done enough for my other half...
Have Ive been selfish and get flustered over frivolous things....
Have I not learnt from my mistakes from my past...
And tears just fell non stop after that...
And it made me really afraid...
That these I have taken for granted...
Might be lost in mere moments...

I hope it doesn't :(

Valentines

I kinda spoiled the day...
By talking about work...
And resulted into something...
I shouldn't have said...
As i thought could be a learning point for the other party as well as for me...
And apparently it was dragged to the following day...
Which resulted to a huge fight in the car...
It was a bitter sweet valentines this year...
As I never had experience a great one...
Put aside last year...

My intention was hoping that I could point my other half weakness...
And guide in the right direction...
But was misinterpreted as a blame...
And it hurts...
Knowing someone you really loved...
Felt like you attacked to cause hurt...
And at times I felt like I had to shut and keep quiet...
To prevent such frivolous fights...

As much as this is bitter...
I had always been holding on...
To what I believe has been a blessing...
To be able to find someone who loves me...
Despite me having many flaws...
And accommodate my busy working schedules...
There were many times when I felt I was less deserving...
And probably my other half deserves someone better...
And that when its time that the love to me given has faded...
Im prepared....

But yet I was told not to...
To always believe that this is for real...
And to think beyond now and the temporary...
And work towards a long term...
And I really do see this...

Happy Valentines dear...
I knew you would read this...
And my love has never died...
Despite the fights we have...
Thanks to the great friends we had...
That had given advises and been supportive of us...
I hope will strengthen our love :)

//needs lots of luck

its been rough since the beginning of the year...
mostly been about work...
but im glad that there are people close to me...
in person and fb frens...
who keeps me strong...
despite these rough times...
im really hoping things would turn out for good...
i really really hope *fingers crossed*

//bothered

I've been on the edge lately and here's a few top things that just ticked me off...

• people who can't seem to decide what they want exactly and expect me to read their minds. If I could, I prolly be the richest man on earth
• people who keeps telling me the same old problem, gets the same advise from me again and again and still falls into the same vicious cycle... so i decided to stop rendering one, maybe I should charge for consultation fee
• people who likes to accuse me of what I didn't do but instead they did but just couldn't remember
• tons of never ending work
• late payments with tonnes of excuses but expect work to be done in seconds
• mum who keeps telling me i will fail
• getting disappointed

it hasn't been a great start of the year for me....

honestly im worried about my business...

couldn't point a finger to it yet...

but i just had a strong bad feeling about it...

sigh, i hope everything will be alright though...

do enjoy your weekend while you can!

// If only

If only i could shake off this feeling
If only i could convince
If only i was normal
If only i didn't
If only i had been
If only i can
If only if only