*bleh

finally, I have finished my reservist!!!
gruesome 21 days...
with me having to burn midnight oils...
for my agency's work on top of serving the nation...
its literally draining...
worst than my usual working days...
and boy am I glad I'm over with this...

so now back to the routines...
gym work and play...
can't wait!!!
LOL i can't believe this...
i miss work :) bleh!

//biggest enemy

yesterday as i was having late supper with a dear friend...
and was just having an exchange of what's going on in our lives...
it came to a topic of how I could be emotionless...
when my other half shows affection towards me...
and expects a reaction of some sort from me...
only to realise none...

it was brought up before...
and i do feel guilty about it...
not that I don't feel anything...
when the affection is thrown to me...
its just that I don't know how to react back....

i told her that the probable reason...
is that all my life I have been used to bottling up feelings...
since I had a bad childhood...
and was abused physically as a child...
and I couldn't express my feelings except to cry silently...
and sometimes when I do get hurt...
I seldom cry on the spot...
I kept it, and only when I'm alone that I let it all out....

and having someone embracing me...
or a kiss, or close proximity...
triggers my guard up...
and i literally froze...
not knowing how to react...

im still learning to accept these gestures...
but at times, i just dunnoe how...
and I really don't wanna upset my other half...
coz I do really care...
and it means the world to me to make that someone happy...
I did told my dear friend...
that I am less deserving...
that my other half deserves someone who can give...
in return of the much heavy life that someone is facing right now...
and I felt like Im not good enough...
its hard knowing what you are unable to give...
might be your biggest enemy...