// I am here

// jealousy

There will be times when you do encounter
the other half getting jealous
over the fact that there are other people
who you regard as friends
but seen as hitting you to the eyes of your partner

You knew the line and you knew you wouldn't crossed it
and the partner trusted you too
but sometimes I guess it can't be help
when the person who is hitting on you
crossed that boundary knowing the fact
that you are attached

sometimes the question lies
when you were single
its hard to find someone
and when u're not
you got all these unnecessary attention

but then again
I supposed if you know that you would want
your relationship to last
its best to avoid all these unwanted problems

oh well
everyone have their jealousy moments
mine included when i saw the word "sayang"
in a conversation between them
but i knew it meant no harm

// did I?

Yesterday, after talking to my dear...
I've finally realised and understood...
why I had built such a huge wall for myself...

Maybe because there were so much failures and pain...
in my past that all I needed to do, was to protect it...
And maybe coz I've never experienced love...
or being given or shown one...
either in a relationship or from family...
That I didn't know how to receive...
what more show and express it...

I had this conversation before...
with a close friend about showing affection to my love one...
that i often find it awkward to be receiving it...
and how I "froze" when someone hugged me...
and initially the holding hands and kissing...
what more initiating one...

and the question was "did i try?"...
and i replied "yes i did, but sometimes i feel its beyond me"...
to which my friend couldn't understand...
god knows how many times...
that I earn for comfort  and love for my dear...
but I just didn't know how to express it...
and to me, that presence is enough...

i have never in my entire life...
been hugged, nor kiss, not even on the cheeks...
and I often felt very awkward...
when someone stands or sit very close to me...
and I often blame myself...
maybe that's the reason why I felt i wasn't giving enough...
and at times felt I'm not good enough...

I've promised that I keep trying...
to better express my feelings and show more affection...
but sometimes I'm afraid I might not be able to do so in time...

Maybe I'm just hard to understand...
and I hope it won't be a reason for my wrong doing again...