Out & not About

Letih gila... baru balik from the ward. Got called in to review some patients.. that were not necessary at all. Tapi terpaksa gak pegi. Wek wek.. my last on call of the rotation.. alhamdulillah. Harap2nye takde lagi la calls from the ward tonite. Seharian dah aku kat spital tu.. muak dah. Yucks!
Esok pagi aku kena gi ECT kat theatre, so kena bangun awal sket la nampaknye. & Kak Z nak tumpang gi spital for her antenatal check up in da morning. Best la jugak ada org nak borak2 pagi2 gi spital tu.
Esok jugak all schoolkids akan back to school. Jalan akan jadi jam seperti sediakala, with schoolbusses, schoolkids, org2 gila drive, 40km on 60km in school areas.. Oh ye, M, Ly's little angle's first day school kalau tak salah. Wah.. dah masuk skolah dah. I still remember last time when my whole family came to S'pore & visited them there.. M was a little baby.. how time flies..

Aku melangkah masuk from work tadi just in time to watch the final few serves from Roger Federer & Andy Murray.. masa tu dah 2-0, and by the look of it, I thought.. Fed was gonna smash Murray good. And yes... dia menang lagi! Hahahhaa... Well done! I knew Fed would win. I wanted him to win. He's the best sportsman ever (and will suffer really bad arthritis when he's old.. hehhehehe). Anyhoooo.... I sort of wanted Murray to win as well. Just for a change. He's not bad at all.. 5th seeded. Tapi, takpe la.. takde rezeki...

Aku baru perasan its already 31st Jan 2010.. yeah.. how time really flies.. I feel like I'm still struggling with writing the dates for January, let alone 2010.. tetiba esok dah 1st Feb 2010.. whoaaaa... cepatnye masa berlalu.. then the week afta I will start my job as an ED doc again, as a HMO 3 (sepatutnye 4 la kan.. tapi defer hari tu). Then tetiba aku & hubby di tanah U.S.A or U.A.E. or Japan or ntah mana2 lagi.. hahahahhaha.. who knows.. angan-angan aku je tu.. InsyaAllah.
Esok plak ialah hari cuti utk Wilayah Persekutuan.. and I think Thaipussam for Selangor. Seronok lah family aku bergumbira. I remember zaman2 skolah dulu I would be soooooo excited bila cuti, at same time cam sedih gak.. maklumla pemalas tak nak gi skolah so seronok le, tapi sedih coz tak dpt bersosial dgn kengkawan kat skolah.. kena dok rumah. Hahhahaa.. tapi then seronok balik coz dpt spend time dgn family.. so kira cuti ialah perkara yg menyeronokkan.. kecualli kalau kat Aussie sini & aku terpaksa kerja la kan.. hehehee..

Anyways, tomorrow is gonna be tough.. Mental Health Review Board hearings, new patients review, ECTs, paperworks.. blablabla.. and I wonder who's gonna replace this particular doc who's on her maternity leave now. Sebelum ni admin is known for being sooo inefficient. Harap2 la diorang terbuka sket minda diorang esok...
G'nite...

Pasar la pasar.. ikan oh ikan..

Berhempas-pulas aku di dapur ptg tadi memasak masakan kampung nak kasi hubby rasa. Maklum le org tu tak kenal & tidak mebesar dengan lauk-pauk tradisional, maka aku kena la kenalkan. Dapat idea masa membeli-belah di Springvale a.k.a. medan Vietnam. Seperti biasa aku akan teruja to grab all the exotic food items there, tapi kali ni berjaya control tak beli terlebih2. Dlm manyak2 shopping tu, aku terlupa satu menda.. durian! Kata nak blaja buat tempoyak dgn mak Dr. H. Ish ish ish...

Ni kari ikan bawal with murungai & terung Belanda.
Lakiku tak suka terung yg pahit tu.. dia amik ikan je..

Yg ni plak masak lemak batang keladi & rebung.
Pandang pon tak nak.. ditolaknye jauh2.. ish ish ish..
(sabar je la aku dgn mamat Aussie ni)

Ni kerabu pegaga & mangga muda.
Ni je yg dia suka..

Akhirnye terpaksa gak hidang chicken wedges instant ni.
Kesian plak kat dia...

Nampaknye kurang successful my attempt nak into kat hubby dgn makanan tradisi ni. Tapi takpe, aku tak putus asa.. next time aku akan masak yg lagi best.. biar tekak dia tu dapat terima at least some pon jadilah.. hahahahah...

Watched Women's Final Aussie Open.. just what I kinda thought so.. Serena Williams menang against Justine Henin, 6-3, 4-6, 6-2. Esok plak giliran Men's Final, Roger Federer against Andy Murray. First seed lawan fifth seed. Not bad. I wonder who will win. Aku on-call tomorrow, hopefully no calls during the play or any time at all.

I'll hafta be at the hospital in the morning. Then on call til Monday AM. Another excruciating week in psychiatry. Its not that I dont like psych. I just hate the paperwork & the nature of the job. The team has been superb, except for a few yg ntah apa-apa. Oh well... will back in ED the week after.. starting another new year of being a DIT. ED would probably make me happy a little bit.. but I kinda not thaaat looking forward to working there. I kinda not looking forward to a life as a doctor.. again...
Yeah, haf been depressed for the past week, past few months, the past few years.. or probably its the bipolar.. or PD.. watever u call it. But my passion in medicine seems to slowly fade away day by day.. Even the fact that I'll be back in ED doesnt seem that exciting anymore.. sick of the reality of being a doctor-in-training..
I envy those who go on despite all the hurdles. Call me lemah semangat or ngada-ngada.. I dont really want to work in a poorly organised condition & with incompetent dumb people who dont really want to do anything to improve themselves. I think it all comes back to my expectation that if I do my job right, I expect other people to be perfect as well. Dah la dgn my control & anger issues. Tapi.. mana-mana pon sama.. just hafta suck it up..
Nampaknye kena revise balik my new year's resolution hari tu.. or susah-susah sgt aku bleh lari ke mana2 negara for a change...
Ntah laa...

Adikku yg bongsu nampaknye enjoying his first yr of high school. Bagus la. Hopefully he'll do better this year. I wish I was there to watch him grow though.. left M'sia in year 2000, he was 3.. Adikku lagi sorang yg kat the other side of the world sana baru abis exams & now having fun. Hopefully results dia bagus & everything's well for him. Teringinnye nak gi sana join him main salji, even tho aku menci gila snow. He was 9+ before.. Finally my closest brother dpt kerja & dah start hari ni. Alhamdulillah... aku doakan semuanye well & cool for him, InsyaAllah.. And he was 16+ then..
Setiap hari aku drive ulang alik gi kerja mesti aku akan terfikir... hmm.. bila la diorang-diorang ni nak dtg sini.. parents aku or adik2 aku tak teringin ke nak rasa naik kereta baru aku ni...

Malam ni ialah bulan terbesar di bulan January 2010, if I'm not mistaken bulan paling besar of the year ialah bulan penuh pada malam new year hari tu. Kami pon dok amik gambar bulan besar tu... paling best kena serang dek nyamuk satu badan.. adoi laaa.. malam ni panas, esok diramalkan 37°c max. Panas! Oh well... afta that 47°c I think I can handle anything below that =P hohohoho....

Aussie Day hari ni daaaa...

Wooohoooo... seronok hari ni cuti takyah gi kerja yg memualkan tu. Hahahhaha.. (Gelak banyak2 pon.. Ahad ni kena kerja gaks.. oncall lagi.. huhuhuu).

Suram je hari ni, weather forecast kata 30°c & hujan sket2. Ok la tu. Asalkan suam2 kuku, aku dah happy dah. Hari ni ada bday party kat Doveton sana. Bday anak Y. Harap2 tak ujan. Kalau tak, party jadi bosan coz its a bbq theme. Nanti jadi cam hari tu bbq PMV hujan & sejuks gila, that really killed the mood then la.
Hari ini jugak ada ramai new Aussie citizens gi angkat sumpah kat beberapa ratus sites around Australia. Tahniah. As for me, mebbie I will never apply for Aussie citizenship. A lot of things going on at the moment & we dont really kno where we r going to end up, mebbie another part of the world. But itu kata hati aku now.. mana tau dah umur 67 ke apa teringin plak nak jadi Aussie.. ahahhahaha..
Kira Aussie Day ni cam independence day kita la, cuma takde bunga2 api cam kat kL nun =D. Mebbie ada some people yg akan main bunga api kat backyard sendiri. Tapi takde la letup2 kot. Unless kalau other different stories kan.

Mlm tadi hubby & I jalan kaki ke Chadstone utk dinner. Aku dpt balik awal coz Alhamdulillah, abis kerja cepat2 & stay back abiskan some paperwork then balik. Seronok je bila dpt selesaikan kerja ward awal + bila pikir keesokkan harinye cuti, lagi la seronoks. Tu yg gi jalan kaki ke sana tu. Plus nak senaman gaks. So kira all in 1 la kiranye ni. Makan kat this Japanese restaurant sebelah JB Hi-Fi. Restoran ni dah lama dah ada, as far as I remember la. Cuma location dia 10 thn dulu dah diambil alih oleh Nandos, & dia beralih ke 3 stores down the hall. And in that 10yrs aku kat sini, ni first time aku makan sini. SEDAP!! Sushi dia fresh gilaaa... my food pon sedap gila!! Hubby nyer byk onions, sampai bila dia ckp pon bleh terbau dianyer onion odour!! EEuuuwww... hahahhahaahha.. Tapi kesimpulannye... tempat tu memang sedaaaaaaap sangat. Aku masih terbayang-bayang the fresh & soft salmon tu. Nyyaaaammmm!!!

Okaylah, time to go to find some bday prezie. Patutnye kami dah bertolak awal, tapi malangnye hubby is still in bed. Ish ish ish...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back. Pegi ke Myuna Farm for the bday party ckp tadi. Boleh la. Tapi its actually an animal farm, and not my favourite lah. Full of kids. Comel-comel.
Stayed for a few hours. Bila balik rumah early arvo tu, hubby & Dr. MJ dah terbongkang atas kerusi. Aku pon penat gak. Cuaca sangat best utk tido petang (or kuar jalan-jalan). Matahari yg cantik, angin sepoi-sepoi bahasa. Best je.

Then we went to Chadstone... again.. for dinner. Jalan kaki lagi. Dinner kat mana.. guess wat.. kat that Japanese restaurant again! Hahahhaha. Ni dah 3 days in a row aku makan Japanese. 3 days in a row aku jalan byk gila. Fuh!
The walking was good. Lalu different path. And this time with bags of groceries from Coles. Teringat masa student dulu zaman takde kereta. Jalan from Clayton back home dgn grocery bags.. masa tu takde lagi greenbags ni. Imagine, sakit tangan mengangkut plastik2 tu. Now kira okay la, ada greenbags, and we also have the shopping trolley (tapi tadi tak bawak), and also ada extra pairs of hands nak tolong angkut groceries.
Glad that we r doing this, mengurangkan carbon footprints kami.. jimat jangka hayat kereta, jimat petrol, jimat carbon monoxide produced by the car, jimat parking lot, jimat tenaga nak bawak mesin besi tu, jimat duit utk petrol, jimat duit utk bayar medical treatment in the future (InsyaAllah), dll. Tentang masa tu, tak tau la jimat ke tak, coz kalau naik kereta kena tunggu traffic, kena lalu pusing sana-sini, kena cari parking, etc. Kalau jalan kaki, coz kaki lagi slow dp kereta, tapi lalu jalan dalam2 nun, so kira shortcut je. Selama ni jalan gi Chaddy pon amik dlm 10-15mins je kalau jalan pada kadar biasa. Its not bad at all.

Anyways, penat dah ni. Esok kerja lagi.. but glad its my arvo off. Hafta remember to send in my timesheet, kalau tak next week tak bergaji la aku... huhuhu...
Ciao.

Happy Birthday

21st January.
Happy 26th Birthday
My Brother.
Take care alwiz.
All the very best in life.
We will alwiz love u.

Happy Birthday

20th January.
Happy 19th Birthday
My Brother.
Take care alwiz.
All the very best in life.
We will alwiz love u.

Terbeli... lagi.. =P

Waaahh.... suka-suka je membeli-belah ye kanak-kanak ni sumer. Hohoho...

Went to Myer yesterday arvo semasa alang2 beli brg dapur. Ingat nak tgk2 je, saja suka2. Myer kan ke MyStore :) Then 'ter'singgah kat electronics area. Selalunye kami akan dok usha2 tv ke, barang dapur ke, games ke, apa2 je la utk cuci mata & kasi kepuasan. Its like watching episodes of a tv series. Cam tu la rasanye setiap kali usha barang kat shopping mall. Kami jarang membeli-belah even tho we go to Chadstone Mall a few times a week, except barang2 dapur or the services e.g. bank, post office, etc.
Tapi what happened yesterday was aku TERBELI an iPod Nano!

Well, despite aku nyampah & berdegil utk tidak membeli sebarang Apple products... akhirnye kecundang gak... TERBELI! Hahahahah... Well, aku sebenarnye dah nyampah nak dgr radio Aussie pagi2 buta. Merepek2, menda lawak pon lawak murahan. Memang jijiks & hampir nanah telinga aku nak dgr radio pagi2 tu. Dah la memang nyampah nak gi kerja, tambah lagi dgn radio ntah apa2, memang muntah. Selalu pasang je cd, tapi lama2 bosan la jugak. Leceh nak kena tukar itu ini. My new comp plak takde music satu pon. So akhirnye TERBELIlah menda ni. Punya la mati2 tak nak beli.. konon2 nak jimat duit, now dah ada extra tanggungjawab. Apa2 hal pon, now kena la aku merajinkan diri menambah koleksi lagu dlm tu.
Betul la kata org, bila kita succumb to a commitment, there'll alwiz be additional baggage to it.. contohnye my new metal baby.. extra baggage nye.. sarung gear, sarung stereng, sun shades, other accessories, blablabla.. and then this one iPod Nano.

My one is the latest generation & cheapest in Victoria for the weekend (unless if u get it from the back of the truck lah kan). Ada camera, ada video player, etc. Aku blom abis explore lagi menda ni. Busy kemas rumah, senaman, etc. Dah transfer songs sket2 yg mampu coz aku malas & kurang sabar. So nampaknye it will take a long time la nak transfer songs & cari songs on iTune.

Tension dgn the iTune programme yg messy & not user friendly. I loved my Sonique media player soooo much, tapi now dah takde kot & susah nak cari. Dulu ada satu mp3 player yg lots more frenly then iPod Nano ni. Now dah kasi kat my brother afta a few months beli (This is part of my impulsive buying behaviour). Tak sangka plak TERBELI a new car, bila fikir2 balik I wish I had that mp3 player than this iPod Nano. Tapi takpe la, guna je dulu for now on. Lets see, ey, how long aku akan bertahan dgn menda ni sebelum aku pass it on to my brothers, like other stuff.

Ni la iTune bertuah ni.. hihihihi...

Ni la playa' bertuah aku ni..
Hitam lagi... Hehehehe... takpe, 'Hitam itu Emas'.. or 'Black & Gold' seperti kata Sam Sparrow.

Bukan itu saja yg kami (or rather ME) terbeli this weekend.

Last nite aku dok surg the net coz nak tengok things we can do wit salt, baking soda, vinegar. Aku berminat nak start using these cheap & abundant items around the house, including on my stoopid jerawats. (Dah amalkan sket.. alhamdulillah.. semakin kurang, slowly). Anyways, hubby tried the baking soda & vinegar utk unclog the kitchen sink drainage.. berkesan la, tapinye abis dah my vinegar & baking soda. Kebetulan plak vegies dah abis (salah budget beli brg smlm).
So off we went to Clayton membeli-belah lagi extra house stuff.
On the way back gi singgah RetraVision coz nak exchange the vacum cleaner yg beli semalam (the old one sucks). Reason being hubby tak suka the one we got yesterday coz dia terkena electric shock! Hahahahah... lawak. Tapi betul la, sapa suka kalau setiap 10 minit kena shock... gegar jantung wooo.

TERBELI lagi.. hahahhaha. Malas la nak ckp harga brapa, tapi sedih gak bila aku signed the kertas tu. Haha. Balik2 je terus try & voiilaaa! Memang best. Semalam nyer pon best gak, tapi sebab kena zap byk kali.. tak best la, kang mati sia2 kang. Aku ckp kat hubby, malas la nak tukar vacum. Aku nyampah nak gi return, its a stressful event to me. Lagipon bagus la zap sekali skala, dc shock percuma. Mana tau bila time dia asystole nanti otomatik back to normal coz dah kena zap awal2. Tak yah panggil paramedics or gi spital. Heh! Whatever aku merapu, kena tukar gak. Hence... this Dyson, my hubby's new baby. Yang kami TERBELI! Hehehehehe...

Hubby's new baby.. ahaks!

Hubby bersemangat betul hari ni memvacum rumah. Sambung semalam punya. Sayang gila dia kat vacum tu, siap cuci lagi bekas abok tu.
Takpe la brapa pon harganye kan, asalkan kami happy. I'm sick of buying new vacum cleaner pas tu in the end tak puas hati. Harap-harapnye this one tahan la for many years.

Anyways, ni jap lagi ni nak masak, then kena la iron some work clothes, senaman sket2, study sket2 or banyak, etc. Semalam & hari ni sunny & bright, tapi hari ni sejuks. I notice that aku kurang berdisiplin for the past 2 wks. Alasannye... stress kerja, bila balik rumah dah exhausted nak buat apa-apa dah. Alasan la tu. Hehehehe.. Tapi aku kan dah janji hari tu, nak ubah my lifestyle. Past 2 wks takde la too bad, cuma aku rasa I should have been able to do more coz I think started quite well considering the start of the new yr kurang best.

Badan especially my glut sakit gila. Semalam overdid walking/jog dgn Dr. MJ & hubby. Konon2 nak tunjuk kat diorang yg aku fit, so that diorang ter'encouraged nak buat lebih. Tapi now sakit badan. Nak seat on the toilet pon sakit. Adoi. Takpe la.. its part of the journey to toned & lean body :D

So... kena la start again somewhere kan. Rumah dah berkilat. Banyak menda baru. So lagi bersemangat kot.

Ciao.

On Call lagi =(

Last nite I was on call again. On call terpaksa. Sepatutnye my arvo off tapi diorang suruh aku amik morning off & buat on call coz takde org bleh buat on call that nite. Time aku datang, everything dah sedia kelam kelibut. Tambah lagi dgn paperwork yg memang tunggang-langgang. Ada admission dtg & both HMOs buat tak tau coz HR janji nak panggil org ganti the HMO yg annual leave. Tapi malangnye janji tinggal janji. Kami dengar2 akan ada org ganti so that org ganti tu can at least buat admission & some other stuff, while kami jumpa patients. Tapi bayang pon takde. Aku tak salahkan HMO yg amik leave tu, coz they deserve the leave after kerja all the time in a poor condition.

Anyways, patient dah tunggu 4 hours for admission pas tu ngamuk2 akhirnye kena seclusion. Pas tu ada lagi admissions blablabla. Ada patient yg actively nak bunuh diri by hantuk kepala kat dinding sampai satu muka haematoma termasuk mata dia. Seb baik takde bleeding dlm head as per CT Brain. Lepas CT Brain tu, dia bleh lagi panjat meja & buat lompat somersault landed kat blakang kepala, lagi la bruise besar. Kecoh betul. Aku balik around 3am (to return back to the ward at 830am) disebabkan all this medical-legal stuff, gila banyak paperwork, talking to ppl, etc.. like one of the nurses ckp.. "You have to cover your back, blablabla..., no one cares" Which berdesing sungguh telinga aku dengar. Walaupon betul & aku kena terima hakikatnye, aku still marah, coz aku memang dah terima hakikat kehuduhan dunia healthcare system here in Australia.. or at least in Victoria.. penuh dgn ulat!.
Aku ni kan cukup pantang hal2 selfishness, ye la, kalau dah kata work in a team, sumer org kena work in a team la. Ni tak, sedap je nak lepas tangan. Some other nurses ckp.. "Well, I wuz worried if the patient dies in the middle of the night then I'll go to court, but I just wanted to let u kno this & that, so I've documented it in the notes that I've spoken to u, so I'm not worried anymore, coz they will kno that I've done my job.. someone else's responsible now.." Tu la dlm dunia diorang, diorang mengamalkan prinsip.. take care of ur own people, at the same time "cover your back & clearly document things". They even blaja cara nak tulis supaya clearly cover their backs, regardless kalau menda tu diorang tulis hanya menunjukkan kebodohan diorang. Yang penting diorang selamat. Dont feel like getting started on that.

Anyways, I was already fuming & berasap2 sepanjang hari semalam bila aku sampai that arvo. Aku mmg hot betul dgn the case managers, CAT team, nurses, etc. Tambah2 lagi the HR people sejak aku start psychiatry rotation ni. Huish. The bosses sumer tau aku ngamuk2 dah. Walaupon aku tak tunjuk, tapi I guess coz diorang psychiatrists so of course diorang study gerak-geri manusia, gaya ckp, etc, so diorang tau kot. Coz sepanjang hari aku dah tinggikan suara dlm fon, baling2 pen kat orang, muka dah kembung2 tahan marah. Hahaha.. bila teringat balik, ish, buruknye perangai.. kan aku dah ckp hari tu, aku mmg ada anger issues. Tapi these bosses are baik gila, & aku suka diorang. Tak kisah lah my own boss gi leave lama2 pon takpe. Asalkan diorang take care of me, aku dah happy.

Malam tadi sebelum balik aku call member kat ED tanya pasal ada lagi tak admission, diorang kata mebbie takde. Alhamdulillah. And sebelum balik aku ckp kat diorang ni pls dont call me again. Tapi then aku ckp kat diorang, call la, aku tak kisah datang balik.. coz aku dah nekad dah masa tu, kalau aku kena panggil balik aku memang tak nak dtg kerja esok pagi. Kalau nak runtuh pon, runtuh la psych department tu. Aku pon sebenarnye tak peduli lagi. Dah sick of sakit hati apa yg admin & the government buat kat kitorang. I hafta take care of myself jugak.

So pagi tadi gi kerja 2 jam lambat & no one were angry at me. Coz diorang dpt tau from ppl last nite that aku tak nak dtg kerja pagi. Huish, cepat betul rumors merebak, padahal aku ckp kalau sapa2 call aku lagi & aku kena dtg sana, aku memang tak nak dtg kerja pagi coz aku takleh drive & takleh kerja kalau tak cukup tido. Diorang ni memang species suka putar belit ayat.

And I am quite pleased with myself coz aku takde la bad mood sepanjang hari. Just menten relax & try buat kerja ikut my pace & setakat yg mampu. Aku tak nak try jadi super doctor coz I'm not, and I'm never a ward kinda person.. I've alwiz known that. Plus kalau both the HMOs buat kerja bagus masa diorang tak nak sediakan replacement for the 2 docs yg on leave, nanti diorang ingat kami bleh manage well without support. Lagi diorang akan biarkan docs terkontang-kanting & bertambah2 burden kerja kami. In the end, docs job will be worst than how it was ~25 yrs ago.

Anyways, aku ni kena siapkan report hearing ni. Tapi saja gatal nak tulis blog. Saja amik angin jap, kasi inspiration utk tulis report =P
Ciao.

Panas!!

Gila aaaahhh.. panas! By midday the weather reported a scorching 44°c in Melbourne! Fuhuhuhuhu....
The fire season is coming to its peak :(
And today Victoria's declared code red- total fire ban across the state for the first time..
(rasanye amik pengajaran kebakaran dasyat last yr around this time of the year).

By the time aku balik kerja tadi around 6pm, the thermometer kat kereta tunjuk 41°c. Thanks to the airconditioning aku selamat sampai ke rumah. (Bestnyeeee aircond.. takyah pasang full blast pon, just nombor 1 je). Tapi bila sampai kat rumah kulit-mulit sumer rasa cam terbakar.. pedih ya amat. Kat rumah takde aircond, so terpaksa la pasang all the fans & ventilator dlm shower so that some hot air will be eliminated somehow.

This is the third time aku celebrate kepanasan above 40°c in Melbourne. Gila weng! Masa student dulu mesti balik M'sia time summer, paling panas pon cuma 39°c tu pon dah menggelupur coz rumah takde aircond masa tu. Now pon takde aircond gak.

Walaupon aku menci gila sejuk2 ni, tapi aku rasa panas cam gini takleh tahan. Selalunye personal record aku bleh lagi tahan panas sampai 36°c. Above that aku dah start jadi cacing & kegelisahan. Kalau ikut science, protein will start to denature at 40°c, & as the temperature goes higher maka irreversible degradation of it. Rambut, kulit, kuku, etc sumer made of some sort of protein.. alpha chain, beta chain, apa-apalah. So imagine...
Kepanasan kat sini plak, above ~39-40°c & another increment of 1°c wont really make much difference lah. Like 40°c or 45°c, dedua pon sama gak... panas yg membunuh!! Same with kalau dah below -5°c tu, kalau -5°c or 15°c dedua pon sama gak.. sejuk beku! U get wat I mean... dah hilang deria rasa nak differentiate between those 2 temperatures. Extreme beb!
Australia holds the biggest ozone hole on the planet.. maka bertambah2 seksa la jadinye. Last yr around this time pokok2 blakang rumah aku jadi hitam hangus... hari ni aku blom tgk lagi backyard tu cam mana rupa.
Aku tgk org2 yg jalan2 kat luar pakai shorts, singlets, tubes, etc yg sekaum dgnnye, aku terasa peliks jugak. Masa on the way jalan ke carpark, the body parts that were exposed terasa perit semacam despite dah bubuh layers of sunscreen... imagine diorang yg dedah2 tu.. tak terasa koyak2 ke kulit diorang?

Ni fire danger rating as per CFA Vic webbie, as per 11/1/10.

Tadi kat tpt kerja tetiba aircond plak tak jalan. Well, takde la surprising coz panas cam gitu aircond pon bleh gol.

2 doctors are on leave & spital yg ngok tu lupa nak cari replacement. Pas tu bleh suka2 nak kasi patients kat the remaining 3 docs to cover. Aku ckp la kalau nurses takde kita bleh suka2 tutup beds, how about we close some beds coz there's no doctors around... sapa nak kasi management plan utk diorang ni? Out of the 3 docs, 2 are residents, so mmg takleh nak buat apa la kan. Admin bleh senang2 kata korang docs semua bleh buat. Cheh.. patients aku pon dah kelam kelibut nak handle, apa lagi patients group lain.. they will be the least of my focus. Dalam ngamuk2 tu aircond plak takde.
Hmmm... berasaaaap je semua org dgn stoopidity of orang atasan.
Seharian plak aku ngantuk & lembap semacam, tambah2 lagi dgn masalah dunia kat tpt kerja tu. Rasa nak muntah, reflux, sakit kepala.. semua ada.. tapi aku gagahkan diri gak teruskan kerja. But dont blame me la kalau I appear incompetent & retarded this week, brain dah start to denature kan tadi..

Terasa cam nak call in sick je esok. Tapi esok kena hantar timesheet & ada assessment. And aku ingat nak tukar my oncall, rather than Wednesday, nak tukar jadi esok so that aku bleh tgk Cold Case & Futurama on tv on Wednesday night. Kalau oncall sure takleh tgk tv.
And hopefully aku bleh tido well tonite.. kinda doubting it tho coz panas gila cam gini tak tau la bleh tido ke tak. My little 'helper' not working dah 2 mlm berturut-turut dah.. geram betul!

Anyways.. time to solat Maghrib & study.
Aku doakan semua pon safe & sound despite this fire season.. Amin...

Boleh mati wooo...

I was oncall on Friday. Malas la nak ckp apa2 coz aku memang benci oncall or long shift. Malam tu aku balik lewat from work, dlm kol 10+++gitu. Pas tu dpt fon call from the ward yg aku kena gi balik to admit a patient & sth else. I thought I would be okay to work kalau tak tido so aku gi mandi then gi balik to the spital around 1++am. Masa tgh drive tu punye la letih & ngantuk & lapar. Sepanjang hari dah busy nak mati, then balik lambat, then kena gi balik for oncall lagi tu. Adohai.. Anyways, pegi sana & admitted this crazy guy who's dependent on drugs (aren't they all?). Selesaikan some stuff. Balik. Sampai rumah around 4++am. Fuh! Seriously shit, rasa nak pengsan. Masa drive balik rmh tu pon aku bergegar-gegar je. Rasa akan padam bila2 masa je.
Bahaya sungguh!

My other oncalls takde la cam gitu. I was lucky before coz cuma kena stay kat spital until midnight then start again in a.m. This time aku rasa teruks la jugak, but kinda think of it, alhamdulillah coz Saturday aku tak kerja so bleh rehat sket. Imagine cam kat M'sia yg oncall every 3rd day or so. Fuh! Aku cam terinsaf sket, kalau nak balik M'sia for good now I would probably be sth else other than a doctor. Or I could wait a little bit longer & balik to be a more experienced doctor supaya tak kena makan idup2 kat sana. Oh, how I wish M'sian health care system to be a little bit better & to have more mercy on the doctors... hence the rakyats.

Anyways, woke up ~1++pm yesterday coz letih gila oncall. Thought wanted to just rest kat rumah, tapi panas & aku rasa sgt sluggish luar dalam pasal still penat, so decided to visit the new South Warf DFO in the city. Mmg dah lambat pon by the time kami sampai sana, but takpe la. I deserve a break! Hahaha. Parking yg ntah apa2. All in all ok la. Kami pegi dgn Dr. MJ. Puas hati dpt 6 pairs of pants for such a bargain (total of ~au$100 from original price au$700).. yg sesuai dgn size aku skang =P
After tangkap2 gambar around Harbour Town & around the city, kami gi caught up with Dr. AI, dinner somewhere kat QV, lepak2 solat main rock band kat rumah dia, then balik.
Oh.. have I told anyone driving with airconditioning is superb? Best gila!

Hari ni plak still bgn lambat coz malam tadi takleh tido on time despite the sleeping pill. Went to Dandenong to buy some meat, including pastirami, meatloaf bolognaise & corned silverside beef. Sedap gila these cured meat. Aku tau kurang sihat but they are sooo yummy. Good source of zinc, iodine & of course protein in the A.M., coz sejak aku makan high protein diet in A.M. before work aku lebih focused & energetic at work, also less makan junk at work. So cuma makan 2x big meals a day la kiranye.
Also bought some baju baby utk a workmate yg akan pop soonish. Sambar skali utk my future baby. Cant help it.. they r sooooo soft & gebu! Best! Hehehehhe.. Nanti nak simpan these baju dlm vacum bag & guna bila sampai masanye. Kumpul sket2. Nanti bila dah sampai masanye takde la rasa terpaksa beli yg huduh. Tol tak?

Tadi kemas2 sket baju & pants/jeans dlm by wardrobe. Ye la, kena kasi space utk the new pants kan. Ni conclusionnye:
- ada lebih kurang 10 pairs yg aku memang takleh muat langsung, bcoz aku mmg takkan kurus sampai size tu balik, unless kalau aku jadi anoerexic kot. (ni lepas dah sedekah more mid last yr).
- ada lebih kurang lagi 10 pairs yg lebih kurang tak muat tapi kalau kurus sket bleh la squeeze in kot.
- the rest muat tapi kalau bowel penuh, ada la sket2 sesak jugak.
Yg tak muat langsung tu aku dah put aside to give away. Yg sempit2 sket tu, put aside dulu, mana la tau muat nanti bila kurus sket (mimpi je kot). These are still new less than a year, tapi kegemukan aku bertambah2 dlm kadar yg singkat so seksa la jugak bila pakai.
Baju2 blom asingkan lagi. Tu lagi banyak kerja tu.

Semalam masa lepak kat rumah Dr. AI, aku selak2 la buku masakan Low Carb Gourmet dia tu. Aku cam tertarik hati tgk BMI chart dlm tu (not the food). Well, kalau ikut berat aku now, aku still in the early normal BMI. Then tgk plak my previous weight masa aku masih muat all those clothes.. masa tu aku kat end of underweight. So maknanye aku ni takde la gemuks ke apa. Cuma tak muat baju je. Haha. Dulu tu kira tahap skeleton la kan. Dulu tu pakai baju yg kiranye bukan size aku la, tu la now bila dah normal, byk pakaian tak muat kan.
Well, that makes me feel better actually. Aku tau sumer2 ni in the back of my mind, cuma nak kena accept je. Anyhow, aku still rasa tak brapa comfortable with my body measurements and still aim nak tone up my muscles. Kalau berat tak nak turun, asalkan body cun tu dah okay dah. Like alwiz, aku memang tak kisah pasal berat.

Hari ni nuthing much, nak do some housework & study sket. Detox from inside wit fruits, vegies, senaman. Kalau takleh tido malam ni kena amik my little 'helper', kalau tak haru esok nak gi kerja. Huhuhuhu...

Where is Ruby Gloom?

Its been a week into 2010. Takde la makna apa-apa pon. I will be on call again tomorrow nite until saturday a.m. Sama mcm oncall into the New Year hari tu. Tapi masa tu seb baik not much at all. So harap2nye esok pon cam gitulah. InsyaAllah.

Oh ye, dah beberapa minggu Ruby Gloom takde kat tv, replaced by Zombie Hotel. Rindu lagu Ruby Gloom. Pagi2 aku bangun awal semata2 nak makan breakie sambil tgk Ruby Gloom dgn hubby. Jalan cerita dia takde la best mana, Zombie Hotel lagi seronok, tapi lagu Ruby Gloom lebih best. Hehe. Kalau lagi awal lagi bagus, tapi dia slalunye start kol 7 suku pagi. Otherwise sebelum kol 7 suku tu, balik2 this kartun pasal babi tonyok. Jijiks betul.

I was thinking, kalau my brothers ada kat sini, mesti they would have enjoyed Ruby Gloom. Entah la, I think so la. The reason why I am still watching cartoons even tho I'm kinda old already, is to reconnect & relive the times when I was there wit my brothers watching cartoons. Bila fikir balik, all brothers dah besar. The youngest pon dah masuk Form 1.

Wah... dah Form 1. Yes, close to a week now dia masuk his first year of high school. Dah seminggu rupanye adik aku masuk sekolah menengah. Huhuhuhu... and I'm here missing all that... I'm yet to receive pics on how my brother looks in his high school uniform..

I remember the first time aku dtg sini dulu, dia baru umur 3 thn. Blom tadika pon lagi. Now dah Form 1. How time has passed really really really fast. And I am missing him growing up. Sedihnye. Adik aku yg lain masa tu umur 9+ & 16+. I had the chance to be there with these 2 masa diorang first time masuk sekolah rendah & menengah, also ke college. Now sorang kat Manchester first yr Uni & sorang lagi in M'sia dah abis pon Uni, baru permulaan alam pekerjaan. Wow! How time flies... :(
Aku rindu diorang ni sumer...

Yes, I've been here in Australia for toooooo long. I'm so seriously sick shit of it. Seriously I'm missing home.
Tambah lagi dgn pressure bodo kerja ni, lagi la aku bosan & tak bermaya je.

Hmm... I thot last week I made some new year resolutions. I've been really good for the past week. Senaman bagai nak rak. Penat pon aku teruskan gak, coz exercise does make me happy.. ye la that adrenaline rush + serotonin effects, blablabla. Then dah ubah cara makan, which improves my energy level at work & I focus more. Tido & kulit on the road of improvement. Study blom start betul2 lagi.. still malas.
Tapi since Selasa I've been feeling down, mostly coz boss tanya pasal pharmacokinetics & pharmacodynamics of lithium & sodium valproate as mood stabilisers. Dang! Aku dengan bodohnye tak reti jawab. Terasa dunia ni baru je runtuh atas otak bebal aku ni. Tapi ptg tu aku senaman bersungguh2 dgn JM, siap paksa hubby lagi (dia sampai mengah2). Then pagi semalam aku woke up tak bersemangat nak buat apa2. Not tired, just not in the mood. Havent been exercising since yesterday.. but manage to maintain my food intake. And at work pon rasa malas je. Asik2 teringatkan home :(
PD kot.. yeah.. PD.. big time!
Well, I've been thinking about home since Monday actually coz youngest brother started high school then. I so wanted to be there sama-sama gi hantar dia sekolah. Hmm... mebbie dia malu kot ada kakak senget nak antar dia skolah. Tapi masa dia skolah rendah, dia seronok je when I buat surprise visit kat sekolah dia, siap suruh buat slalu lagi. Hai.. kenangan...

Dalam byk2 hal tu, petang semalam aku gi hantar my metal baby to the first 1000km service. Aku ada issue sket dgn stereng dia dah 2 kali hantar service & diorang tak caya apa aku ckp, just betulkan ala kadar je, both times tak brapa impressed. Kali ni aku ckp betul2 nak diorang check kat flat roads, rather than kat kawasan Burwood yg naik turun bukit & senget. Si mamat yg amik kereta aku tu sibuk2 nak explen pasal kereta akan respond kat jalan hilly blablabla... masa tu hati aku dah membara je.. as in 'excuse me, aku dah drive 10 thn, aku tau la kalau stereng senget or jalan senget, bengong betul!' Tapi aku takde la ckp cam gitu. Aku just directly looked him in the eyes & bluntly asked, "Are you saying that I'm delusional???", then dia terkujat sket bila aku ckp cam gitu. Well, dipendekkan citer, bila dpt balik kereta aku memang puas hati dgn stereng tu. Hampas betul, that's how it should be masa awal2 beli. Bukannye lepas 3 kali checks baru nak betul. Seb baik free. Kalau ikut aku nyer anger issue ni, memang nak kena mamat tu. Tapi ye la, aku kena la mindful on my car jugak. Kang dia letak bahan letupan ke rosakkan mana2 wayar ke, aku gak yg susah. Aku memang kureng sket dgn workshops kereta ni, simply coz aku rasa its all boys club & diorang tak respect ladies yg ada issues dgn kereta diorang.

After all that, went to Chadstone (mana lagi..).. got some groceries coz nak masak.. fuh.. lama gila tak masak. Bought a few other things.. also bought my first ever M.A.C. stuff. An eyeshadow.. kaler Pink Venus. Terbeli sebenarnye.. bukan plan pon. Retail therapy. Kaler dia sgt cantik, soft pink tapi tak pucat tak terlalu pink, just nice warm pink. Dpt sumber inspirasi dp some nurses omputih yg skin diorang memang fair & cantik in this kaler. Pagi tadi aku try.. cantik gak. Tapi cam kurang ngam dgn kulitku yg buat masa ini oily with big pores & jerawats (since summer & sejak perubahan hormones a few months ago). Tapi aku sukaaaa jugak. Haha. I want to wear more kalers to work from now own, nak make more effort before gi kerja. Dah tua, and aku nak pakai mekap before I reach to an age where I actually look ugly in mekaps.

Anyways, kena tido now. Hafta gi kerja awal to settle some stoopid paperwork & shoooooot aku on call tomorrow nite :(
Nite.

Buka buku baru... 2010...

The 1st day of 2010 dah nak abis dah. Nuthing much done today, mostly spent the day sulking. Rugi kan? Memang, in my right mind aku memang rasa rugi. Looking back, yes, in the past years since I came to Australia, most of my waking hours have been spent by sulking & remembering the past, other than struggling with my studies. Rugi tak? Memang pon. My right mind has always realized that.

2009 just passed. I have to admit that 2009 was sooo much better than 2008, 2008 was of course better than 2007. Ni overall statement je. Working life in 2009 was better. I was finally working in a metropolitan area, alhamdulillah, hence I was finally free from dunia whoop whoop. Whoop whoop was one of the major contributors to my depression in the past 2 years. The other big one was the Yang Berhormats. A few of the big factors that were kinda hindering my recovery: probably my personality, in which I expect the best out of everything in life when I know that am giving the best to the world. The depression has made me a constricted angry person. Also my career as a medical profession somehow menyebabkan I didnt really ask for help when deep down I knew I needed help. Sumer sebab tak nak dipandang hina oleh org lain. And to me asking for help in this sense is a sign of weakness in my part. Dipendekkan cerita, after all that, wedding in 2008. Off work for some months, having fun with life. Okay, tu citer in 2007, 2008.

Buku 2009.
Last nite pegi tgk fireworks in the city. Dalam hujan. Such a disappointing session, considering its all our taxpayer $$$$$!! Huh! Oh well, apa nak buat, kuasa Allah swt. Fireworks from last few years were definitely better than this one. Oh well. Sebelum tu jalan beribu-ribu km cari pharmacy yg bukak coz my dear hubby lupa bawak his asthma pump. Of course la takde yg bukak & we missed dinner becoz of that. And aku cam biasa, mesti la ngamuk2 bila lapar, maklumla otak dah jadi sama cam perut... kosong!

The weekend before kami pegi dear 'ol Wilson's Prom dgn Ly & family. Love the sea. Virgin beach. Cantik. Mengingatkan aku when we had our honewmoon in Tioman Island in 2008. Dan juga all of my beach holidays wit family in the years before. Alwiz love the sea. Mendamaikan. Spent a few hours kat Wilson's Prom, rasa cam tak puas. Great company too. Oh well, next time pegi lagi, kalau tpt tu tak hancur dek bushfire. =P

December.. my Victorian license, my new metal baby (and 4 wks post ada segaris calar seb baik catnye saje...d'oh), my new Coach handbag. Also I'm getting used to the new rotation & the people there, despite the fact aku kureng minat the specialty.
Months back... 2 annual leaves, cuti in M'sia (saaangaaat best!.. dan akhirnye aku tau tepung gomak tu apa), dad & brothers came to visit, lotsa night shifts (whoohooo!), improving social life, worsening social life with some ppl (uhuh), movies, jalan-jalan, great work especially in ED, great work with the nurses (they are soooo much better here than those in the Whoop Whoop), better cooking skills (hehehee... perasan), visits from friends from far, back on track with sports & boardgames, Cari.com, etc. Memang tahun 2009 sangat best to me. Alhamdulillah. And here I am kembali aktif dlm blog :P

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Looking back, for the sooo many years back, I have been disappointed in everything around me. Call me PD, but thats how I am. I expect the best in everything, merely coz I feel like I've given my best to all. I believe that I deserve the best in return.
Simple example. I have all my time in the world for patients when I'm working nights. But if the nurse who's working on the ward sucks, stupid & rude, that really pisses me off. I do my job properly, I expect them to do their job properly & not to be dumb. Is that too much to ask for? Or aku punya la sopan kat counter nak bayar, then the cashier plak kurang ajar or racist. Memang rasa nak tampar je budak bangang tu.Consider me OCD as well. When my trust's betrayed, of course I'm hurt. So I let go of that particular hope. Kiranye dah give up la.
Contohnye cam nurse2 bodo tadi tu. Kalau dah tetiap hari gaduh je coz diorang bodo. Lama2 aku give up la kan. Tau dah diorang ni memang useless & hopeless. Baik aku buat kerja aku elok2. Malas la nak layan org2 bodo yg takde harapan ni. Yang penting aku selamat & patients selamat. Adoh! And budak bodo cashier tu, tu la pasal dia jadi cashier kot.. sad to say that. And aku patutnye tak perlu layan my anger sangat & sambung shopping tpt lain.
Hahahaha.. dramatic kan? Tu la. Aku yg emo.

A fren of mine ckp once we expect too much from others then we actually set ourself open to be hurt.. coz if the expectation not met, then we'll be disappointed. If the expectation is met, we'll ask for more, thus further prospective pain. The best thing is to not expect too much. Give ur all, but protect urself from being hurt by doakan yg terbaik for the other party... and be happy with ur own life, appreciate what u already have & work for ur own life. Yang lain tu are those spices in ur life.. semua pun ada nilainye, tapi kita tak masukkan sumer all at once in setiap masakan.
Hmm.. if it is as easy as that...
(Tapi dia ni memang baik sangat2.. no wonder la murah rezeki & sane alwiz... I really admire this person)

Memang betul pun apa dia cakap. And I have been trying to incorporate this in my life since 2009. That's one of my resolutions then. I am happier in life in 2009, than in 2008 and of course 2007. Still I am as emo as I am now.. haha, ngada-ngada betul. Like ppl at work ckp.. PD! Mebbie...

Well.. therefore, this is my list of my 2010's resolutions (this is very unusual of me):
- To be happy... smell the flowers & enjoy the sun... if I'm not happy to be here in Australia, at least I appreciate Allah's creations around me. Alhamdulillah... I will try to work on my mood swings & seasonal depression (depression in winter/cold weather).. coz I kno, at least I am not in Whoop Whoop anymore :)- To remember more about all the good memories in life :) & try to let go all the undesireable ones.- To work on my anger issues, and to work on my expectation to others... when I start to feel that others are hopeless or useless, I will take a step back & breathe & move on.. its not worth to dwell on my disappointment for too long..- To work on my career.. I dont like what I'm doing, but at least I can be good in whatever I'm doing. Tak nak jadi dumb cam those yg aku kutuk kat atas tadi tu. So.. learn as much as I can & excel, even if that means aku kena study the whole medicine again.. takpe la. Asalkan tak jadi bodo dah la. Or mebbie aku bleh buat sth totally different now dah jadi PR. Life is beautiful & fulfilling if I make it to be.. :)- Jaga body, jaga makan, jaga kulit.. I've been neglecting myself for too long now. Masa zaman depression dulu I lost interest in everything in life. I didnt exercise, I didnt go play sports, I binged food & ate junk, I had yo-yo diet, I didnt sleep well, I didnt look afta my skin... seb baik each time balik M'sia kulit aku jadi elok & kalau gemuks pon never jatuh dlm group overweight, cuma tak muat baju je. I have started getting back on track. Senaman regularly, eating balanced diet, quality sleep, etc. Semuanye persistent hopefully. Takde cheat day coz I love my body every single second of my life :)
- To rely less on sleeping tablets & painkillers. I've been good for the past year, tak macam in years 2007, 2008. Mebbie 2-3 of 1/2tab Stilnox sepanjang thn 2009.. mebbie coz I sleep better now, or mebbie coz I take antihistamines more than Stilnox, simply coz they r cheaper than Stilnox. heheheh.. but I want to rely less on these either, only on emergencies. Also rely less on painkillers for my myalgia & headaches, unless, of course, emergencies :D- To take care of my car better & to drive better :)- To be more organized with my life :) and kena continue dgn all those filing system yg dah start last few yrs. and kena kurangkan bergayut kat internet lama sangat :D Also to improve my OCD techniques, like Ab. F, boleh Ly? :D- To save more $$.. also to shop more wisely, to minimise waste, mend more, blablabla...beli rumah kat M'sia mebbie :)
- To improve my cooking skills :)- To garden more :) & care for the environment more :)
- To be closer to the creative side of mine :) blajar more from Ly mebbie..ya kno all those crafts, beads, etc.- To belajar tahan sejuk more :P
- To play more :D gaems, sports, boardgames, all :D
- To improve my social life more :) 2009 was great, it should be better this year :)- To go for more adventures in life :)- To do more for my family :) and those precious people around me :)- Last but not least... most important... to work on my already gloomy marriage.. cannot imagine myself without hubby... ramai balak-balak comel around me especially at work but my life is only with hubby & our offsprings.. insyaAllah.

There.... banyaaaknyeee.... mana pergi resolution utk Yang Berhormats? Takde.. coz aku just nak ignore them & ignore my emotional responses when it comes to them... kiranye cognitive-behavioural therapy la ni. nak preserve my sanity... they dont deserve my brain cells or anything from me.. so just buat donno.. bukan bermakna aku dah maafkan diorang, aku just nak ignore them & go on with my life.. kalau ada any encounter with them... I'll try my best to stay strong & content...

Okays.. I want to go get some fresh air & then tido...