Girl baby on board???

Today we found out the gender of baby #4. Girl....really? I am not totally sold. haha Therefore I have decided not to solicit the info until we have our full scan in 4 weeks. We went to Fetal Studios, where we went with Pierce (at the exact same gestational time). This was the first time Phil was able to come with me and therefore the first time he had seen the baby on ultrasound(the 4th for me.)

It was so awesome. First of all the machines they have are awesome. The picture is so great. We could see the baby's heart just beating away, sucking motions with the mouth and we were able to see many parts of the body. This was also the first time I was able to hear the heartbeat. Last time I went to the doctor they tried to find it on the dopler but said the baby was moving too much so they did a quick ultrasound. For some reason hearing it is so reassuring to me, I was so happy to have that.

When we first went in he mentioned that we had been there before and I told him we had came with our last one, our 3rd boy. He said "oh time for a girl then huh?" I told him probably not and that 4 boys would be just fine. He told us his daughter had 4 boys, but she cried. I told him I did that last time so I think I'll be good this time. :)

He started out showing us the profile and telling us "this face looks like I girl to me." I was just blowing him off saying probably not. I can not even explain to you how happy I was to go in and see that baby is still growing, heart is still beating and that we have more time. I loved just watching the movement and heart for a solid 15 minutes.

He then showed us down by the legs(still profile) that it still looked like a girl. Then he said "let's go make sure." So, he did. Then he typed the words "It's a girl!" on the screen. I really the whole time did not believe it. I still don't. I am so not convinced, but at the same time don't really care. My $50 was so well spent just being able to see baby for that time.

I guess I was just planning on them seeing 100% boy and then I would be able to tell people we are pregnant and having our 4th boy, without having to get the "I hope this is your girl" crap. So, now I just don't even know what to do.

We decided that it was time we tell the rugrats we were having a baby. I popped out about 13 weeks and felt like Koen could start noticing anytime. I thought it would be fun to get the one of those giant cookies from Mrs. Fields and put "your getting a little _______" on it. When we got over there Phil was so happy they said they could do it in 10 minutes. The girl however wanted to do something more riddle like in the wording. So we came up with..."Trick or Treat, we are getting something sweet. Happy Birthday baby Myla"

Koen totally read it and then was so excited. I only got a picture of the cookie, because we videoed their reaction which was really cute.

I feel like since we had this ultrasound it all feels a lot more real for Phil and for me. I am really getting a little belly too. I really hope we get to bring this baby home. Boy or girl, I just really hope it breathes, lives and stays. I can't wait to bring a little baby home again.

I don't know why I am still so nervous to tell people. Like I think the more people I tell the more people I have to tell if there is an issue. It is just scary. Pregnancy after loss is way scary. It's like it's fine when I can just keep it between my few little people but everyone knowing....wow, I don't know. EEEK! And my loss wasn't even during pregnancy!!

All we can do is hope and pray for the best. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for our family. I just really hope it includes a healthy baby. ♥

sweet friends

I love going back through old emails and reading things that people sent me shortly after Pierce passed.  I just love to read peoples nice words. Lately I have been EXTRA emotional. I seems I shed tears everyday at some point for my sweet little boy. Today I ran across a song one of my childhood friends shared with me a week after he died. I don't even remember reading it although I obviously did because I commented on it. I love it. It is the song" Calling All Angel"s by Jessie Clark Funk. She has been one of my favorite gospel singers since high school, so it is spesh that this song is by her. Oh, I so love this song.

Calling All Angels

A queit voice is calling my name

I hear you laughing, but the question remains

Are you playing and dancing above?

Momma's aching to give you her love

There's a smile I can't wait to see

A lullaby that you'd love to sing

Just to know I'll hold you again

Is a gift I'll hold until then

CHORUS~

Calling All Angels, I need to feel

Something familiar, something real

Am I just dreaming, I close my eyes

I feel you near, I feel you inside

Just to call your name

And know that you're still there

Calling All Angels

I know the plan was having you here

Sometimes what's best is so unclear, but

Baby boy put your hand in mine

While I walk through the fire that refines

Repeat Chorus~

Father of us all you know the reason that he's gone

He's in my heart, but in your arms

Repeat Chorus~

Hear her sing it here 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGIoBEMf6zQ

Pierce's 2nd birthday on the horizon.

With Pierce's 2nd birthday just a short month away I have found myself bugged multiple times about things taking place on his birthday. I don't know why I think the world should just shut down for the day while my family mourns celebrating our dead son's birthday, but for some reason, I do. Maybe even if the world could just not shut down, but no one could invite us anywhere, or expect us to be anywhere, or plan things that should/could involve us, that'd be nice. :) {but why so we could wallow in our own self pity?}

We decided shortly after Pierce passed away that we wanted to spend his birthday, as a family, doing something that he would like. I am all about doing things on the actual day but especially when it come to Pierce's day(s). It isn't like you can just celebrate it a couple days early/late and expect the day of to not be consumed with thoughts of what should have, could have, would've. That is the reason we will always spend those days as a family. 

The interesting thing is, and I know this, it's always a bigger deal in my head than it ends up being in real life. Like for instance, Phil's family reunion last year started on Pierce's first Angel day. I was totally distraught about this, thinking how I didn't really want to spend it with a bunch of people and I wanted to do whatever we wanted to do. When really that morning we were able to spend time as a family and when we met up for lunch we let balloons go in his honor. It was totally fine. 

So, why then am I bugged that this year we will actually be AT his family reunion on his Angel day? or that all the girls on the Olsen side will be having a girls weekend that I will miss out on over his birthday? Or that the ward planned the dumb bike parade on my baby's birthday? And SERIOUSLY It will all be fine, so why do I have to feel this way about it. I mean really if we are thinking of things Pierce would like to do on his second birthday the bike parade around the neighborhood would probably be top on his list. But for some reason the idea of spending the morning with neighbors and ward member,s who many wont even know that it's his birthday, or that even existed, bugs me. 

This just sucks. It sucks that his birthday is over Memorial day weekend and will always be a busy time. It sucks that he can't just be here wearing a shirt that tells everyone "It's my birthday." It sucks that his Angel day is in the middle of July where we will almost always have some family vacation or another. And most of all it sucks that I have these weird expectations that even I don't know how to fill. It's so much easier to celebrate your child's life when they are here. grrrrr. Sorry for the rant, I needed to get it out. 

Easter Time

The week before Easter we had my brothers boys staying here with us, so we got to bring them a long on our Easter weekend activities. First we hit our neighborhood Easter egg hunt. Always more fun to catch up with the neighbors for the whole 3 minutes the hunt takes than to worry about the 4 pieces of candy the kiddos receive. :)

My brothers buddy has an Easter hunt at his house the his family always goes to. We decided not to let their boys down and headed over to their hunt. Even though the whole time people where like "how do you know the Bakers?" lol "You know Jeff, that's my brother." haha A lot of that was said...

 The Easter bunny did visit our house that night all though I asked Koen if the Easter bunny was like Santa and didn't come if you were naughty...he was on one! haha The kids had a good time finding their baskets and were happy with their treats and new things. I swear every holiday Brigs has a cup of chocolate milk in hand(or mouth) that kid sure loves his chocolate milk. ;)

Then we Easter egg hunted in the back yard. The kids baskets could barely hold the eggs. We also need some bigger plants or bushes. haha It is way too easy!

After hunting for eggs we popped in one of our new movies and hung out til Dad had to leave for work. :( Guess somebody has to do it. Then the boys and I got ready for church and had Laura take a couple single mom on Easter shots for us. :) Which unfortunately turned out not so cute! haha

Could these boys be anymore handsome? I love when you get a pic like these...awe they are few and far between.

After church we snapped a pic of my besties. :)

Also we couldn't forget a picture with baby brother. Especially with how much we thought about and talked about him today.

We went to dinner at Phil's parents where he was able to meet up with us. The kids had a little egg hunt there too! What a great day!

*cute story side note* After the egg hunt in our yard I started videoing the kids. Here is how the conversation went...
Me: "Hey Guys what's today?"
Koen: "Easter"
Brigs:"I need more eggs!"
Me:"Brigs, you don't need anymore, look how many you have."
Brigs:"I need it bigger and bigger(motioning how high) so it can get all the way up to the sky so Pierce can have some."
Me:"Oh you want Pierce to have some eggs?"
Koen:"Don't you think they have an Easter egg hunt in Heaven?"
Me:"I don't know?"
Brigs:"Ya, they do!"

The best part is I got their whole cute little convo on camera. I love these boys! All 3!