major ramble

i am pretty sure i am gonna regret ever typing this down, but since this place has generally seen me childish and embarrassing, figured it wouldn't matter. and also since, i am happily the only reader of my own thoughts...


it is really and i mean REALLY hard for me to let people "into" my life. meaning i like them and trust them enough to actually tell them stuff that matters to me etc. i almost never ever reveal my true feelings.

and this, i thought would make me a lot less dependent on other humans. i don't need to call someone everytime i feel like crying over stuff or whenever i feel so stressed. i mean, i do randomly communicate at random intervals to people when i feel lonely, but i would like to think that i am perfectly capable of managing my emotions.

boy, was i wrong.

sucks to know that the mere fact that someone you actually care about doesn't anymore. and i refer to "care" in the loosest sense of the word.

so i decided to come here and analyse my feelings.
why do i feel sad, like i lost somebody forever?
i need to stop over thinking. i will take everything at face value.
a "hi" will just mean a "hi" and a smile will just mean a casual smile. nothing more; nothing less.

i am going to stop second guessing things like a lack of reply, or an overly enthusiastic response.
makes things easier. unless someone screams into my face what they are thinking or what they want me to do/say, i am gonna not read anything into "hints".

UGH.

all this unnecessary emotional thoughts when i should be studying hardcore as exams loom dangerously near.


:( sadness is just a feeling. it will go away soon enough. (just like happiness does too)

being vulnerable is a terrible, terrible feeling and i hate it. it means that your emotions tend to depend on someone's behaviour. that is the scariest kind of dependency on a person. letting them have full control of something that is so personal to you, your feelings.
it's the only thing i consciously shun. unless that person is worth it enough. someone who is REALLY worth it.

okay point is, i want everything to be well and there are only 2 things related to that.
haha i hope i remember the 2 things i am talking about when i read this years to come~

"life isn't about finding yourself; its about creating yourself"

this semester deserves more pictures in myphone at least.

so everything DOES happen for a reason. the bad times have taught me well enough to learn and move on~

interactions with people are the best lessons at times. especially if they are the right kind of people :)

am always, always constantly humbled by certain people. they make me want to be so much better, to let go of my unnecessary inhibitions, to push myself further, to be the kindest person, to be genuine and loving, to be impartial, to not judge harshly etc.

<3 p="p">
ahha i always come here to gush about the fantastic humans i have had a chance to interact with. lol
cos i cannot gush about this to anyone without getting some kind of unwarranted comment about whether this is a crush etc.
this is just me being awed by personality traits that i wish i had.
but eh ma gawdddddd seriously~~~~~~~~~~~~

SELF-IMPROVEMENT FTW

hope this sem ends well!!!!!

a casual sunday afternoon

life happens way too fast.

I really, really want to remember today. 

Am thankful for this extremely,amazing support system that fills me up with love and joy :) 

Having one of the happiest conversations, with our limbs hanging about carelessly.

talking about the dreams and successes and the seemingly impossible.

you guys fill me up with such great hope, energy and inspiration. am realising this even more now, since i only get to come back to this paradise during weekends. 

i will always want to remember this, so that if i am ever in a conflicted position to make a choice, i should remember that there is nothing like family.

in the midst

WHAT a week and its only wednesday.

life about to take a very drastic turn, if things get confirmed.

I am learning so, so much about life/perspectives and not-so-much in terms of legal knowledge :s

2 mid terms came and went and am very disappointed with the effort and my attempt with the paper.

there is literally NO POINT even thinking about them (pardon me, first mid term in uni ever). hate this feeling of "oh, i def could have done alot better because i know my potential" URGHAHHH.

- and wow wow wow. new friend. new perspective. your discipline is so darn incredible.

NEED TO WORK ON DISCIPLINE.
(my eternal optimism is the only thing that prevents me from becoming a total self-obsessed wreck)

(my ego is dangerous. i am appalled.)

immature

am so damn immature! ashamed!
exam tmr!
finished one today! did very badly! feeling very sad and worthless!
constant feeling of inadequacy! constant thinking of why can't i be really bright!
clearly measures self-value based on alphabets/numbers!
need to destress before tmr's paper!

need to grow up! was ready to forsake a friendship so easily! am such a late bloomer!
taking too long to realise life lessons!

will become a better person!
will learn to be happy with myself! including shortcomings!
will stop wishing to be smarter/brighter/wittier/braver!
will learn to embrace myself! strengths and weaknesses!
but strengths are hard to find now!
need to work on so many things!
DONE!!!!!!!!!!

humans are fantastic

i am constantly humbled by the people who surround me.

recent habit of mine to observe behaviour patterns of  people in general.

you dont even say it but your attitude teaches me so much already. that you can achieve anything you want by working hard enough. and if you are not getting what you want, then it just means you didn't work hard enough.

(it can be sad that you have to put in more effort than others but we should be thankful always for what we have. working hard is within my control, being intelligent isnt.)

thank you, for teaching me this. law of nature will not ever change. thank you, you inspire :)

also, another soul. for teaching me to never be so harsh in judgments. humans are so complex - they are more than their looks, clothes, exterior appearances and definitely more than just their facebook profile. while certain things may reflect their personality, it is important to be open minded all the time.

it's something i constantly struggle with. I put labels, I distance myself from people who don't seem like my 'type'. my childish behaviour still haunts me but i am consciously trying to change. giving others a chance and giving myself the chance to get to know and understand another soul better.

(Not nice to be the world's most guarded soul ever. But so far, nobody has been able to hurt me or make me feel too damn sad/bad because i never managed to let people in and see my vulnerability.)
(stoic but trying to open up still)

will always be second class. struggling very hard(especially this semester) to prove my self-worth to myself. everyone has their own self-esteem issues and nothing will help this except satisfying oneself with whatever it takes.
i know right now, i am not happy/not content enough with what i have been doing.

and the perfect quote that has been motivating me this week is " i am bound to live up to the light that i have"

and indeed, i shall.

liberation

This is probably not a good time, but I feel this is necessary.

Am exhausted to the maximum level. But I cannot feel more content right now.

Have graciously accepted so many things in life, and I feel thoroughly liberated from the constant 'what will they think of me' rubbish.

I am doing what I want to do. Whatever I want to do. The freedom is liberating, it is intoxicating.
There is tingling feeling of nervousness because every result will be the consequence of my own action.

I am growing up.

I am content :-)

But most importantly, I am grateful.

GRATITUDE.

(ooh first post from hall and away from home)

what am i

tell me what is wrong

(why shun signs of affection)
(what does that even mean? what do they even mean?)

let me be
(for a while, till i feel comfortable enough. till it is actually time.)

vicissitudes

to feel discontent with oneself.
to feel discontent with a third person.

the harsh reality of understanding that a person will not behave the way that they ought to be behaving.


(there is a little less love in this world for me. I feel it. a clear, solid reminder of how money isn't everything after a certain point in life. the importance of reminding yourself not too be greedy after awhile.)

:( :( :(

HOLLLLLLA DAY

you always reap what you sow. law of nature~ hasn't changed in a million year :)

flying off tonight! growin up~
because goodbyes are now a lot easier

despite my nasty nasty cold, hope all goes well. we must squeeze in as much reckless fun w/o compromising on safety. calculated risks!!

forcing myself to get hyped up. inability to get crazy ass excited (with yelling&jumping) has been worrying. must be signs of aging :( 

love

THESE FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS NEED TO BE RECORDED NOW~

'friends are the family that you can choose'

but i know, by heart, i would choose this very family and the very adequate close friends over and over again.

I cannot ever be more grateful for the handful but more than sufficient souls whom I love so dearly and care about quite sincerely <3

Thank you.

to be good enough

the careful balance between humility and good self-esteem.

second chances

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the most wonderful, kind, inspiring human being I know.

Here is to many, many more decades of casual naps on your lap :) 

Love you always, and I am forever indebted to you for working hard to provide me the perfect life and the perfect love a daughter could ever, ever have. 

slice of my alien cheesecake, which did taste 'out of the world'ish :) :) 

a nice, apt reminder from a bro :) 

real teeth vs fake teeth

thank you, for teaching me so much by just doing what you do <3 

ELLEN'S DANCE DARE AT ITS BEST. YOU ARE AMAZING.

NEVER WILL I FIND SUCH A FUN, LOVABLE SOUL LIKE YOU <3 <3

have been feeling all sorts of positive emotions :) I like people who make me feel alive, who remind me to live by the moment. to let loose, and be uninhibited. I like that feeling. 

And a random sentence that i like very much: "write to feed your own soul" 

even though i am not blessed with the ability to write beautifully for the world to appreciate, i can write/form/create sentences to "enrich my own soul". as pretentious as that may sound, i like it.  

need to work on self-discipline so much. half my wardrobe does not even fit me any more. 

SHOTS

Iphone has turned me into a camera obsessed/app crazy pic taking soul <3 

Will give thanks all day everyday :) :) :)

oh, morality

whoa.

I think my fear of talking about things that truly matter is detrimental to my health. 

whenever there is a mention of future or anything serious, i joke and say inappropriate things to wiggle out of the conversation and move the focus away from me.

it gets scary. I realise I am never comfortable enough, most of the time. I think it is the most common fear that saying things out loud will make it seem more real :( 

it hit me so hard today. i need to learn to accept that i am a flawed soul. and my issues should be addressed sooner or later.

i will learn to correct all these flaws. I will and I shall.