Loneliness.  Ugh.

The past several weeks have been extremely tough.  I don't at all mean to complain, but the circumstances surrounding me recently have resulted in the deepest and longest loneliness that I have ever known thus far.  I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that most of my close friends are moving away, finding soul mates,  getting married, and even having babies (like what?!)  As seasons have changed for the people around me, mine has stayed the same.  I cherish the people around me, but the reality is that we no longer share common seasons, and it's sometimes hard to find that same familiar ground.  It's frustrating and saddening.

I'm sad to say, however, that the main agent of my loneliness is me.   I see the lives of dear ones changing, and suddenly, I covet it.  So I grasp at anything I can hold onto to bring me what I think I need to satiate these desires.  There have been times when I've believed the lies of the Evil One, and sought fulfillment in worldly solutions.

Truthfully, they've only made me lonelier.  Cheap tastes of the beauty and intimacy that I seek only whet my appetite and remind me of what God hasn't done in my life.

It's vicious, and not at all the way the Lord intended it to be.

But my God is sovereign.  Seriously, my heart quickens and I get chills as I consider that, because it's true.  And He has proven it over and over again in the littlest details and the roughest seasons.  My God, my King, my Creator is sovereign.  

He is sovereign to forgive my desperate attempts at pleasing my own self.  He is sovereign to remind me of His promises.  He is sovereign to weave my mistakes into a tapestry that, against all odds, emanates His glory.  He is sovereign to remind me of His goodness.

As I poured my heart out to the One who hears me a few nights ago, He brought a precious Psalm to mind.  The words from Psalm 23 are so familiar, and so, so dear to me, and the truths and promises are enough to fill a heart to overflowing.

The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures.  He leads me beside still waters.  

He restores my soul.  

He guides me in paths of righteousness for His Name's sake.  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me.  Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.  You anoint my head with oil; 

My cup overflows.  

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.

What blessed words are these!  After weeks, especially these last several days, of feeling raw hurt and disappointment and just plain loneliness, this Psalm was the balm of Gilead that my soul needed.  My heart aches, but by the great mercy of God that follows me, I am filled with peace and joy to the point where my heart overflows.

It doesn't mean that I'm done struggling.  I have no doubt that there are many, many nights ahead of me where my soul will be chafed and weary from loneliness.   But I have a beautiful, true reminder that it doesn't matter how deep my emotions seem to run, how much it seems like God isn't working the best for my life, and how confused this world makes me.

Goodness follows me.  Mercy follows me.  Every day of my life.

My Hope is built in the King who longs to be close to me, who has promised me a spot at His table one day.  The King who is good.

Oh, this Love that I have come to know, crave, and cherish so deeply.

I am so abundantly thankful.

"But who do you say that I am?"

Food for thought, before I pen my own thoughts:

"Beloved, remember what you have heard of your Lord Jesus, and what He has done for you.

Let your memory treasure up everything about Christ which you have ever felt, or known, or believed, and then let your fond affections hold Him fast for evermore.

Love the person of your Lord! Bring forth the alabaster box of your heart, even though it be broken, and let all the precious ointment of your affection come streaming on His pierced feet."

Charles Spurgeon, speaking on Luke 2:19

"Now when Jesus came into the district of Caesarea Philippi, He asked His disciples, 'Who do people say that the Son of Man is?' And they said, "Some say John the Baptist, others say Elijah, and others Jeremiah or one of the prophets.' He said to them, 

'But who do you say that I am?' 

Simon Peter replied, 'You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.'"

Matthew 16:13-15

Yesterday was a hard day.  I'm struggling with the pull of the world and my calling to Christ.  It's hard for me to resist temptation and throw myself on Jesus, and sometimes it's hard for me to be convinced of the love He has for me.  In God's sovereignty, both of these passages showed up in my quiet time and absolutely floored me.

I first read Spurgeon's words (taken from the Spurgeon Morning and Evening Devotional) and it got me thinking.  I don't often ponder on what I know of Christ, and use that to increase my affections of Him.  It made me want to think about who He is to me, and then thank Him for it.  Then, a little while later, I picked up my reading in Matthew (I'm currently working my way through the Gospels) and I read this passage from Matthew 16.  My heart actually skipped a beat when I read, "But who do you say that I am?"  I continued reading, and I was so taken by the question that Jesus Himself asked, and the call of Spurgeon.  

So, I decided to make a list of who Jesus is specifically to me; who I say He is.  Of course, I know that's not exactly the direction He was taking His question with Peter; in context, He was calling attention to the fact that His Father had revealed Jesus' true identity to their hearts, so that they might confess that He is the Christ.  However, to me, His question said, "But who do you, CeCe, say that I am? Who am I to you?  What about Me causes you to turn your affection towards me?  What have I done for you that has caused your heart to believe in Me?"  Well, this is my answer, and by no means is it all inclusive.

My Rest, my Hiding Place, my Peace. 

I get so overwhelmed, and He quietly reminds me to run to Him and take up a hiding place in Him as he restores my soul and refreshes me.  He brings me total peace when I feel like I'm grasping for answers.

The One who convicts me.

He never lets me get away with feeling justified in my sin.  This is one of the absolute greatest gifts He has given me, and reminds me of His promise to carry me into completion.

My Forgiver.

He is constant, and He is always accepting me into His arms as I throw myself on His mercy.

The Sovereign One.

I falter, but His plan is always the best way.   His love is never ending, and His purposes will always be fulfilled, no matter how I stray, and no matter how much the world seems to be against me.

My Best Friend.

He is the last person I talk to at the end of the day, and He hears about all of the craziness of this life and gets everything I've been holding onto dumped into His lap as I process my day.

My Shoulder to Cry On

Countless tears and cries from deep within my heart have been poured out to Him in His presence.

My Faithful One.

Faithful in reminding me of His presence, faithful in reminding me of my need of Him, faithful in providing my needs day by day, faithful in reminding me of His promises, faithful in carrying me through times of doubt and faithlessness.

My Hope.

He never fails to continue teaching me that nothing in this life could ever satisfy, yet He doesn't leave me feeling empty and needy.  He fills me with the hope of a day when I will be totally and utterly filled by Him, when I will cling to Him, and when I will worship Him the way He created me to.

My Everything in Between.

He meets me exactly where I am in every facet of life to bless me, teach me, heal me, satisfy me.  The littlest of details are accounted for and divinely orchestrated by Him.

My Daddy.

Who hasn't run to their daddy when they have nowhere else to run?  When my weaknesses become too much for me to handle, He takes care of it.  He takes care of me.  He goes before me and behind me to ensure that I am protected and provided for.  He is always there for my encouragement, my defense, my every need, and even my discipline. 

Lastly, I aim to thank Him for being all of these things (and more).  I am deeply thankful for the whole person of Christ, and His desire and ability to be intentional with being intimate with His people.  Without Him, I would be nothing, and I would live with a heart that is constantly broken and irreparable.  Lord, thank You for being wholly what I need.  I pray that my affections would be poured out before you, in light of all You have done for me.  I love you, Jesus.  Thank You.

and He said surely I am with you.

why must
my heart be dead

where is
   the difference
   the fruit
   the change
   the joy 
they all said would 
   happen.

why must
You be silent

are You
   teaching me
   hearing me
   molding me
   strengthening me
like they all said You would
   do.

why must
i chase all things irrelevant

where is
   the purpose
   the satisfaction
   the resistance
   the abandon
they all said would
   become part of me.

why must
trust come in small doses

am i
   holding back
   clinging to idols
   pushing You away
   loving evil
because they never said it would
   be so hard.

why must
i wait for You

are You
   on the way
   working despite me
   on my side
   with me
like my human nature says You are
   not.

but truth
but truth tells me

You are
   my refuge.
You are
   worth waiting for.
You are
   trustworthy.
You are 
   here.

and my heart

   is helped.

The Gospel

Euangelion. Gospel. Noun.

Euangelizo. Gospel. Verb.

This kind of threw me off at first.  I wasn't expecting to see a noun and a verb on the page when I looked up the Greek word for Gospel.  But then it occurred to me: of course.  Of course the Gospel is a noun and a verb.  What a beautiful marriage between two parts of speech, between two truths surrounding the most powerful message the Scriptures breathe.

The Gospel by itself is beautiful.  It is scandalous, it is enrapturing, and it is freeing.  It allows oneness with our Creator, it allows freedom from sin, it allows hope in a heaven where we will be praising our Father in glory and absolute perfection for literally ever.

But what is the Gospel without sharing it?  What would it be if we kept it to ourselves?  It makes absolute perfect sense that armed with the Gospel, we go and Gospel.  We go bring the Good News to those who would have no knowledge of it otherwise.  This beautiful story is not just an anchor of hope and assurance; it is a command.

And, as God's commands often are, it is far from a chore that must be ticked off the list by the end of the day.  It is a natural habit that occurs when one has been permeated with the truth that is the story of Jesus Christ.  How can one keep such a wild and beautiful thing to him or herself?  I love that our Maker has created us in such a way that when we are consumed by Him, the only thing that will bring us joy is loving and glorifying Him through our obedience to Him.  

Of course, I will be the first to admit that the Evil One and my own humanness often hinder me from obeying my Father.  Evangelism doesn't come naturally to the old me.  But praise Jesus, evangelism comes naturally to Him, and by adorning myself with Him, I adorn myself with His character.  

I love the Gospel.  I love that it saved me from both myself and from the Evil One.  I love its simplicity.  I love that the Love flowing from it is more than enough to cover my sins. I love that it simultaneously assures me of the forgiveness of my past, commands and helps me in the now, and promises an eternal future with the Adonai. 

A noun and a verb.  Who knew? I certainly didn't until tonight, at least not technically.  It's perfect.  I am so amazed by God's ability to take even the smallest of details and breathe such meaning into it and into my heart.

The Gospel.  Revel in it.  And then go Gospel.